Saturday, June 17, 2017

pause

"Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favourite part

We'll skip the goodbyes.."

- Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

A few days ago, as I was working beyond office hours, a few old memories came flashing back. Like how I used to look forward to seeing someone right after that. Or perhaps during on calls when no matter how tired I was, I would not mind seeing that familiar face.

I found myself sobbing over what's lost. It would not be right to get back for all the wrong reasons, when I know that I had given enough chances. To be hurt and recover repeatedly... to what extent can the heart bear such pain? To what extent can the heart repair itself? To what extent can the mind subconsciously block bitter memories so that new ones can be made and cherished?

It was just a couple of months ago that I dared bringing up the topic of marriage to my mother. And barely days after that, I was made to feel how terrible of a person I am. That marriage is something I fear. That how fearful it is to put your neck on that chopping board, hand a man a knife, and trusting in him not to slam it down. Threat by threat. Humiliation by humiliation.

At this point, I am giving it a rest.

I looked at my parents. I looked at my patients. At times, I'd feel so exhausted that to walk just another pace, to extend a limb just to reach those instruments, to reorganise my mind and plan my treatments, become such a struggle, my knees feel like they're about to give way.

I will stay on my own. Sacrifice my life for people I might not even see a few weeks later. Sacrifice my life for my parents. I don't have much good deeds, but I know that God is All-Just. May these little ones bring peace in me.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

carefree

It feels good to have all my siblings under one roof. The last time we had such opportunity was during our Cairo trip. Before that, we last saw our youngest brother, Ahmad, almost 2 years ago.

I feel at ease.

Trying to recall the times I felt like this...

Perhaps during those night drives with my two juniors, Acap and Ziyad. Roaming aimlessly in Kelantan, listening to metal music, occasionally stopping at random beaches, just enjoying the sea and good food. Our jamming sessions at a mediocre studio near the university. Lower lip pierced. And I was the batch leader. I had people staring at me disapprovingly but really. Like I cared.

Or maybe when I was a kid, playing in a monsoon drain because normal children slides were overrated. Sliding down a slope on a paperbox sounded like a great idea. It still does now.

Or maybe during highschool, when it felt cool to skip classes and flee from our late-discipline teacher. I can still remember his faded jade green Toyota Unser, a cane in his right hand. Coming to school at 8am like it's no one's damn business.

Perhaps when I was offered a place at this OMF surgery department. Finally, free from school treatments, workplace politics, and paperworks! Free from a cheater and all his baggage too. Life felt so good at that time. I was up for an adventure I had little idea about. I knew it'd mean chucking my personal life aside, but, it's so worth it.

Or maybe now that I can do whatever and whenever I want. For myself. Not for anyone else. Like how I knew it wasn't an urgency to change the under tray cover of my car and yet, I prefer every part of my car to be intact, so I straight away drove to the service center and submitted its payment. Paid and ordered myself 3 pairs of my usual powered contact lenses because I hate waiting for the order to arrive every damn month. It feels best when you do something for your own sake.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

mixed signals

A few months ago, I would not be able to hold back a smile when I receive a surprise.

And yet today, I received unexpected gifts, but I felt no desire to smile. I felt no amusement. I felt no joy. I did experience agitation, though.

How can so many mistakes be fixed with gifts? No gift can bring me to forgiveness.

Damage is done. Damage is done.

My brain works wonders this time. I seem to have forgotten memories which were once precious at heart. I seem to forgot how he looks like, but I can still certainly feel the heartache. Like it was just yesterday that I was hurt so badly. Disgraced like my dignity worth nothing. Threatened as if I was an archenemy. Accused like a murderer, found guilty before I could stand up for my defence. Belittled as if I possess neither intelligence nor logic. At one point I actually believed myself to be the devil he portrayed me to be - until my good old friend, Hanif, said, "Taklah. You're a good person". There's something about this lad that somehow, can calm me down no matter how bad a storm I am trapped in. Jangs for laif, brah. Jangs for laif.

At the moment, I just want to meet as many people as I can. Make new friends. Broaden my horizon. Feel free and soar high into the sky.

It's time for me to move on.

thoughts

Lying on my bed. Thick blanket wrapping my body, giving false sense of comfort. Looking at my reflection on the ceiling fan. Thoughts running through my mind.

How did it get to this?

How could a person change like this? It only took a distant third party with almost zero significance.

How could a person on whose shoulder I sobbed over my sad past, to whom I revealed my deepest troubles, be the very causative factor of this long-forgotten misery?

Betrayal, comes in many forms. Of all, emotional betrayal is the most painful.

Two days ago, after holding back my conflicting emotions, trying my best to appear as strong as I could, I found myself again sobbing over something that is beyond repair. Damage is done.

I gathered every ounce of courage I could to open my heart once again. To love a soul sincerely. And yet my sincerity is being doubted, despite having nothing to hide. Accusation by accusation, this heart I mended with all my might shattered into pieces. Pieces so micro, I can't seem to pick them up with my two hands, I sensed anxiety looming over me yesterday.

Be strong, Zahirah... believe in others' kindness. That one evil soul does not represent the whole population.

Have hope. Have hope. 

To my three guardian angels, Kurol, Hanif, and Murni... thank you for protecting me. Thank you for keeping my sanity intact.

Friday, May 26, 2017

a legacy



Dr Abdul Latif Abdul Hamid. The first time I heard of his name was when I first got posted in Negri Sembilan. "You'll be somewhat lucky somewhat unlucky if you get to learn from him. The best orthognatic surgeon. Fierce and fearsome but magical hands", one of my lecturers said to me.

I never thought of applying to be posted at this department. As I had said, it has always been a dream of mine to become an oral maxillofacial surgeon one day. As a dark chapter in my life came to an end, suddenly there's an opening at the department.

Heard a lot of horror stories about this place. Like how terrifying it is to be on call there. Like how anxious my nights would be if I were to work there, but the thought of learning from the one of the best surgeons in Malaysia was too tempting, so here I am.

Learning under his guidance was not easy. "ARE YOU BLIND??", "Gosh, what a bizarre thing to do", "Look, look, don't try to confuse me. Yes or no? Simple question!", are among words that would sputter out of his mouth. I reminisce being yelled at by him many times in a row in one morning, that I looked at the clock, ran into the janitor room, and cried for two good minutes. Looked at my watch, wiped tears off my cheek, and went straight to my surgery cubicle, continued treating patients. "I've got a lot to learn. Be humble and learn from the best while you still have the time", I said to myself. That was the only time I cried and that's it.

Put aside my ego and learned from him as much as I could. Everytime he encounters any challenges, he would stay composed, walk calmly but swiftly, examine the situation, and do his magic. Give him any trauma case. Be it a few weeks had passed, when he fixes patients' broken jaws, they look as good as new.

A very professional person, you would not witness him degrading a staff nurse in an operation theater for not knowing which instrument to hand him when being asked, because he knows she is not trained dentally... but if he thinks you should know your stuff but you don't, then you'd wish you're dead.



He tolerates no bullshit, but beyond working hours, he is a very warm person. Like how nerve-wrecking it was when I asked to take a photo with him. He smiled and said, "Why not?". After that, he said to me, "So you're gonna write, 'This is the guy who fires me endlessly'?", and laughed. When I asked him to take a selfie with us, officers, he actually crouched a bit and joked, "So I guess I should do this so it looks better in the selfie, huh?". When you bump into him as you walk through a door, it's always 'ladies first' for him and he would let you through first.

It is from his teachings that I eventually learned to do surgical removal of impacted teeth in less than 15minutes. It is from his teachings that I figured out that no matter how shitty a case is, keep calm, assess, and fix everything up. Be patient. Do not rush. Don't be heroic. Be practical and evidence-based.

Boss, it has been an honour to have served alongside you. I wish I had applied sooner to be posted here, eventhough that'd be the interval that you were fiercer than now. I will try my best not to put your name to shame.

I really wish I'd be given more time to learn from him. And for this reason, my tears trickle again.

Monday, May 15, 2017

breathe

There are a few good things I learnt from the incident two years ago which makes breaking up not that harsh this time.

One particular thing is do not cut off your friendship with others.


Like how I am glad that I relied on these two babes as my confidantes. We used to be roommates during matriculation and 2 years ago we were reunited over that sadistic incident. We had our fair share of arguments but it is with them that I am able to experience friendship in its truest form.

With them, I feel normal to take a day off just to sleep or bake. Or how just a simple new feature on Facebook would make us laugh like crazy. And that true friends are not only around when they need favours from you, but also when you're down. When you're in need of help. When you are gullible that you need someone to stand up for you.

A few weeks ago, I was told that I don't have the right to blog certain things. Well, guess what *chuckles*. I have blogged for more than one and a half decade now, I really don't give a fuck how others would judge me based on this. Yep. Read this, people.

If anything, I can be quite a composed and warm person until I sense someone trying to manipulate my thoughts and actions. In which case, I would turn into someone so evil, you'd wish you had never known in the first place. At times I becomes discreetly evil. At times I can be very obvious that you can easily understand that I am a dead end.

The old me would cling onto happy memories. I am never good at articulating my feelings, but I always hope that one would understand them through my actions. My words would always come out wrong, so I tend to forgive others when they do the same.

Still, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I forgive easily, but I certainly do not forget. It's what my past experience had taught me. That one event would always lead to a chain reaction. That one can either stay the same or change for the better or worse.

Emotional betrayal, trying to paint a bad picture of me for all my close friends to see (the best thing is this time no more twisting stories because everything has been kept for me to see), even to a person with whom you had lost contact for so long, who had nothing to do with the relationship, siblings. I don't need a case of infidelity to walk away. I have failed to see the reason this would work. I remember my late grandmother telling me one thing. When a couple fight, the last people they should go to are their family members. This is my thought. I am putting it on the table, because at the end of the day, it is my life that we're putting at stake.

At the meantime, I feel as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I learned another lesson. That when one persistently feels unexplained tension in a relationship and it goes unsolved, when one's progress in life stays dormant because too many things are being held back from all the mental crisis from it and they all go unsolved, same mistakes being repeated over and over again, that's when one should leave a relationship.

So I gladly walked away and breathe.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

rewind



"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start"

Just like the video, at times I wish some things can be rewound. Before I witness this part of this person.

People change.

Fights either make us stronger or bitter.

Unfortunately for my case, it is the latter.

Everything went downhill and we hit rock bottom. Spread-eagle. Separated apart.