Thursday, March 30, 2017

break free

At times, I hate how I believe in second chances.

How can I grant others a second chance when I am a paranoid bitch myself. And let's add more damage to that - I am blatantly honest too. 

Here's another problem. I have an abnormally slow heart too. Which initially stabilised, until recently. Whenever I am too sad, it gets slower too. So a few days ago I was hospitalised, all for the same reason - they were worried that I would go into cardiac arrest. I went through all these about a year ago, so I wasn't shocked anymore. The sight of that defibrillator being at my bedside - that's nothing scary anymore.

At times, I wish he had never came. I was fighting with myself. I was somewhat glad but deep down inside, I knew that everytime I get to feel happy with him by my side, the next day, I'd become terribly sad and crushed... and yep, that happened.

I no longer wish for anything anymore. I had cut everything off because... I really have neither the physical nor mental strength anymore.

Maybe I don't have the right to throw my tantrums. Maybe as I lie on that hospital bed, thinking that having a cardiac pacemaker implanted, my future in oral maxillofacial surgery being crushed I might have to be just a normal dentist, being on medical leave repeatedly, waking up in the middle of the night because apparently the neighbouring patient passed away. Only Allah knows how troubled I am with all sorts of possibilities that can happen in near future. 

Some might judge me - what an ungrateful sod, she can still work as a dentist. Open up her own clinic. Generate good bucks. 

If only I am as superficial as that. I don't wish for easy money. When I broke off my engagement, the path to oral maxfac surgery suddenly opened up and I grabbed the chance. It has always been my dream, my escapism. I love the thrill and how much it engages with the medical community. I don't feel trapped in the cocoon of dentistry.

Trapped.

Yes. To feel trapped. I fear that.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

strangled

It is rather confusing. To be wanted. To want in return; but also having to walk away and to restrain yourself from turning back. The past had taught me enough to which extent shall I bear being around someone.

And yet... I miss his presence.

I closed my eyes to recall the good moments we shared. I tried hard... but suddenly tears trickled down my already sunken cheeks. I can only recall us arguing. And the sound of my breath as I hyperventilate from disappointment and sadness.

For every ounce of effort wasted on me. I apologise.

For every penny spent on me. I apologise.

For every milisecond sacrificed for me. I apologise.

For immeasurable false hope I had given you and your family. I apologise.

For having such an elaborate dark past. I apologise.

For my mental instability. I apologise.

My remaining strength is all invested on my job. It is in this that I find solace, despite its chaos and complexity. It is in this that I feel that I am worthy of something good. That I have value.

And with you, I feel like I worth less than a trash. When brushing me off over something uncertain becomes easy... that's when I know that I have lost the glitter I used to possess which caught your eyes seven months ago.

I had gone through so much for a person of my age.

I am just a human. How many times can I mend my heart just to have it shattered into pieces over and over again before it turns into pulp which is beyond repair?

The little weight I had gained during my stay in Egypt is lost just like that. The spine on my back is obvious. My ribs are showing. My hip bones are jutting out. My chin looks as if someone did a bad genioplasty with it from being too prominent.

I wake up everyday feeling nauseous and experiencing chest tightness. I am starving. I want to eat. I want to eat so bad, I cry everyday because my tummy seems to reject food everytime I try to fill it a bit. Even if just a little bit.

Sad memories keep replaying in my mind that I am forced to sleep to let my brain relax a bit.

Every pace is a strive. It feels like trying to walk through a swamp with thick mud pulling my legs from striding forward.

This feels terrifyingly familiar. The thought of experiencing the same thing I did seven years ago is so terrifying...

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

the one wish

Woke up this morning feeling my calves aching as usual from prolonged standing and running here and there during work.

I no longer have my spirits up to cook for breakfast. I only have little strength to cook for lunch. So I've been having cereals in the morning for three days now. 

"BLEEP"

I looked at my handphone. It's a reminder I have long set in my organiser. An occasion I had been looking forward to. Suddenly, my eyes welled up. I have no idea how many meals have I cried over. How fast did time fly? It's back to being alone again, but still... eventhough it was me who walked away, I have my reasons. Eventhough it is painful to me, after gathering every ounce of courage I had left after that three years of darkness in my life, everything shattered into pieces.

And still, I am going to wish you...


Happy birthday. I truly wish only good things to happen in your life

... although it's the other way round with mine.

Monday, March 6, 2017

handle with care

Like a bird; Handle me with care, and I'd fly high, but no matter how far I go, I'd eventually return to you. Hold me too tightly, and I'd be strangled. You'd snap my wings and neck. 

After all, I have too many scars which run deep into layers of my muscles if not through-and-through. And to have someone else dissecting through them, being curious what caused them, I feel my wounds reopening.

So yesterday, I chose to walk away. I gambled too much for too long, putting my sanity at stake. So while I can still think rationally, I walked away.

It's time to recover.

I somehow managed to get a few affairs settled today. Thank God.








Oh Allah, grant me strength...

Sunday, December 18, 2016

self perception

Never did I think that the person I thought I knew for years is that toxic (nothing done online goes deleted for real from cyberspace), but just as during each dark moment of my life, I still thank my Creator for granting me the strength to distance myself from certain people. And as usual, I shall not stoop down to that person's level. I still refuse to spread stories about you, because I feel sorry for you. And if I do that, I'd have to crawl in afterlife and repay you with my deeds. Heck, my good deeds are so scarce already. May one day Allah open your heart to become a sincere person. To learn appreciating people who are still by your side because me... I'm outta here.

Ya Allah, thank you for lending me truly supportive people who protect me.

At the meantime, I shall further build emotional walls around me because I have to be mentally fit to attend to my patients. I have countless things to feel grateful for :)

Monday, December 12, 2016

limits

I chose to end it yesterday. Months of mental abuse, I had reached my limit.

When I closed my heart for nearly a year, I gathered every ounce of courage I had to unlock it again. Make space for another person. Put a piece my heart in that man's hands. It's like putting my neck on a chopping block, handing him an axe, and hoping he wouldn't behead me.

And as expected, my newly mended heart shattered into pieces once again although this time, there's no absolute line i.e infidelity was drawn to bring me to my decision. I chose to walk away because I am no longer happy.

True, love is like a gamble. You win some. You lose some. Still, when your chips run out, it is wiser to walk away. And my patience, sanity, and affection are represented by those chips.

Apologies when in abundance loses its value. Especially when the same damned mistakes are repeated again and again, and by the time you notice it, seeing your significant other becomes something you dread about.

And yet, I have my flaws. Many flaws over which I decided to stick by his side. Until yesterday.

Despite going through yet another failed relationship, I learnt one important lesson. And that is... perhaps to thrive in a relationship isn't something that is meant for me, mainly due to my major trust issues. That the day I chose to be with the first man I got engaged to was the day I chose to destroy my love life forever.

"Move on", they said.

I did. I really did, but am I not just a human who possesses memory? Such physically and mentally abusive relationship surely did leave a huge scar in me. Just like old scars on your skin. When it's big enough and you decide to get rid of it by the means of skin grafting. You'll be left with a patch of abnormal looking skin. That despite having similar colour (if you're lucky enough), it does not contract, wrinkle, or aesthetically appear as how it originally did.

And because of this shortcoming, perhaps it is best for me to live a monotonous life rather than constantly experiencing emotional roller-coaster because the latter would kill me. Eventually.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

a glimpse

So someone who used to be close to me attempted suicide yesterday. She sustained multiple fractures and intraabdominal injury.

I used to be there for her, listening to stories she would tell me excitedly everytime she came back from school. I used to teach and motivate her to become a good daughter. I taught her manners and responsibility... until one day, I had to leave her for my own sake. A decision I do not regret for selflessness should have its limit.

Nevertheless, today, I decided to visit her at a hospital. THE hospital, in fact - my very workplace. Of course, such decision complicates my relationship with people around me.

"I don't know why you're doing this... she has nothing to do with you anymore", some said.

Once upon a time, I, myself, shamefully, committed self-injurious acts. I did them silently until I hit a vessel - which was my turning point. To admit that I was psychologically ill, it was a tough decision to make. It was tougher to try standing up once again.

Once upon a time, during my highschool years, I was that equally confused young adult, facing peer pressure, lost, and getting inadequate attention - and so I thought at that time. There's no use being born with an intelligent mind without actually further developing it. I started to flunk academically and morally.

All of these, they share a few similar factors. One of them is the feeling of being invisible. That no one cares about you. Eventhough I'm just a small person and my presence might not exert sustainable optimism, the compassion in me is telling me, "Let her know that people actually do care. That she is not alone eventhough physically, you can no longer be there for her", and my decision stays tethered.

I believe that if my intention is pure and sincere, Allah will protect me from those with evil desires. InshaaAllah...