Wednesday, October 31, 2018

worthy

I forgot how it is to be hopeful. I am a fighter who would fight fiercely for anything I believe in or want. At the end of the day, I would remind myself that everything else would be gone and I would have to learn and stand on my own two feet. So I started doing that some time ago.

Still a fighter needs teammates, on whom she can rely on when there's the need for any sort of support. As a lone soul, the ability to be hopeful quickly dissipates. 

And most importantly, my teammate doesn't think similarly as I do. That for him I would do anything but it apparently isn't a two way thing.

And I sense myself losing my hopefulness. And that is as bad as being a fighter who lost her weapons and shields. She is now a fighter who enters battlefield knowing the chance of failing and dying ingloriously is high, but that's what she wanted. An end to a hopeless fight.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Neglect

Six years ago, never did I expect that the choice I made is so wrong that it haunts me till this very day. Betrayal in its worst form, I am never able to learn to trust a soul ever again

"GET OVER IT!", they said to me sternly. If it is only that easy, I wouldn't have been hurting myself and those close to me like I am today.

The memories of my darker days are vivid, still. I am actually impressed by how well my brain is able to recall petty things instead of those which matter more.

I would like to tell the ghosts, that I am better off without them, but who am I trying to lie but to myself? I am equally miserable with or without them.

I seem to get unnecessarily insecure. The exact character I despise and the irony is I am that exact person. The slightest form of emotional betrayal, I instantly cower and flee into my safe bubble.

They said people who love hot shower are those who are socially deprived and inadequate. They said people who sleeps in foetal position are those who are afraid of being alone.

Yes, I sleep in foetal position. I love hot shower.

Body language speaks most of your mind.

When I finally learned to open myself up to my own best friend, crushed my walls down unconsciously, the fear of feeling vulnerable creeps onto me slowly. Just a single mistake was all it took to change me permanently. I fiercely protect my territory, my sanity, my sanctuary... only to have it all backfiring me.

I read articles and I know how bad I am unconsciously abusing and mistreating myself and yet... I can't control myself. Not anymore.

Perhaps the mistake I made six years ago has me permanently handicapped. A trainwreck with trust issue so major it is beyond salvation.

Perhaps the mistake I made six years ago discounted me from being worthy of being loved. That love is for me to give but not to receive. When I have this thought, I feel better and at ease. For I have lost hope. And with hope comes disappointment. I let go of hope to keep my heart beating. To keep my brain running.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

My sanctuary


My lips are sealed tight
Impulses propagated along my nerve cells
The mind tells me to fight
But my pericardium is as thin and weak as egg shells
No longer resilient, no longer fierce
Time has me seasoned and my knees withering
Through my frail chest your words pierce
I try to plug these holes from bleeding
So helpless, so futile
Palms are damp, white, and cold
Throat tastes as bitter as bile
My world is sinking and there's no hand to hold
This too shall come to pass
The sweet friend I once knew now is a past
My body is here to show that I care
But my heart and mind are elsewhere

Sunday, August 12, 2018

my darling

Hold me still if ever I try to run
Kiss my tears away 
And assure me that I am your only one
As my confidence sways and my knees give away
Be my scaffold be my pillar
Seal my lips tie my tongue as I err
For I am fickle-minded
But if there's one thought that's always been tethered
It'd be to grow old with you
And to you I shall forever be true
Because I no longer remember me before there is you

I came to you with a wounded heart
But you made me see that life isn't that tough
Life isn't that hard

Be my last, be my forever
Through my best, better, good,
Through my bad, worse, and worst
Because I really am trying as hard as I could

I am like a rotten apple
Beautiful façade, shiny glistening red skin
But deep inside I am a mess
I am a cripple
But one day I would like to believe
That I bear fine seeds
Through them, my legacy would continue to live
For your reminiscence when I'm no longer here to fulfill your needs
When my body is just an empty vessel
When my eyes are blank and lifeless
When my fingers are cold and my arms hang loose like a tassel 
When my ears can no longer listen to your troubles

Nonetheless, darling, please know
That I tasted love in its truest form
Don't dwell in sadness or sorrow
For in your heart, I found home

I love you 
I really do.

07082018 1210am

Thursday, August 2, 2018

To hope is to risk being disappointed

My hormones are raging

Every movable joint in my body is aching

I am haunted by nightmares everyday

Such frustration, is this my toll to pay?

I have lived for years in loneliness

Now I have someone physically beside me

But why am I still feeling the same sadness?

There is no one to be blamed but me, I am guilty

For I am trapped in dark history

As much as I try to erase it from my memory

My subconscious mind takes over

And I hurt everyone, my family, friends, and my lover

I carefully choose the best of me

It's a facade I want everyone to see

Behind this smile, I hide my agony

From which I beg to be free.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

take a step back and breathe

I had decided - if I am not allowed to take things at my pace, come what may. I am not willing to put my mental health at stake because let's face it. It's not my fault for others' poor planning. It's not exactly for me to answer to last minute tasks. After office work-related texts, those will have to wait till next 8AM. Fire me if you want, I have other options. Good thing I always have a plan B.

"You look so drained", my mother told me. So did my junior colleague. That's when I decided - that's it.

The public sector is so ruthless towards its employees. The system is good for the public but certainly not for us who are actually in it. Our workload is just nonequivalent to our pay. Till today, I fail to comprehend the reason behind our excessive diligence in entertaining public's woes especially those openly condemning with half-baked knowledge, apart from for political reasons.

I gladly quote Imam as-Shafi'e in this matter:

"If I were argue with one thousand knowledgeable people,I would surely win the argument.But if I were to argue with one fool,I would lose the argument"


Why the hell am I still here, one might be wondering. There's only one explanation - Because my good deeds are just a handful. I used to be a firm believer in altruism, until I start waking up dreading going to work. I completely comprehend that this world I chose to be in, the field of surgery is filled with narcissistic professionals. I am one of them too, hands down. It is needed so that we can perform our surgeries, come to our decisions and execute them confidently with precision but of course, everything should exist in moderation. And that itself requires frequent self-reflections. We are not God. We are flawed. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and they should not be repeated. Most importantly, we are just human. Social creatures which cannot exist without each other.

Hope.

I am clinging onto hope weakly that the society will finally come to its senses. That we, healthcare personnels, are already abused by our employer so badly, we don't need to be further abused by you, the public. It is amusing how cocky the public can be, ranting nonsense like, "I pay my taxes, you do as I say", when in fact the healthcare system is experiencing severe brain-drain, it will soon be left with a few brainy selfless people and numerous robotic yes-men.

Today apart from having a few wiremen over to fix a few short plug points, I gave myself a break and went to the beach. Enjoyed a huge cup of cappuccino and long black at a go. Studied a bit.

It's time to step back and breathe. Rethink my aims in life. It's time to adjust accordingly. It's time to pay more attention on myself. I choose to be happy rather than being drowned in misery.

I remember my father telling me, "We see celebrities committing suicide every now and then. These are people who try to channel happiness, but how can it come from people who aren't genuinely happy? They aren't genuinely happy because they put their happiness in the wrong hands. You decide whether to let others' words hurt you or not. You decide whether to let a terrible event drag you back. You are as happy as you decide to be. Never for others to decide. You underwent depression yourself, you should know it better than me".

Sunday, February 25, 2018

off balance

"Dear Allah, if he is not meant for me, please show me crystal clear signs. If he has ill-intention towards me, please bring this illusion to an end instantly". 

This is a prayer I had sent thrice in my life. Everytime I do so, I would put my whole heart in God's hands although at the back of my head, I am scared of feeling broken and sad, but I am also more terrified of being trapped in sweet illusion. And thrice, I was given as I asked within less than 24 hours. Indeed, Allah is All-Merciful.

No matter how many times, it will always be painful. As if it's my first. Still, this reminds me that I am a human with emotions and most importantly, I am still rational.

At-Tawbah: 116:
"Indeed, to Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He gives life and causes death. And you have not besides Allah any protector or any helper."

Eight years ago when I was having major depressive disorder, one of the things that picked me back up was God's words. I would read the Quran tafsir and just break down, every single night as I battled with insomnia. The cycle went on and on, but I did not give up although at the same time, my mind was telling me that it's hopeless. I was just pushing on because I needed to, at least for my parents. One day, I found myself smiling while reading it. "Why didn't I see how much Allah actually loves His creations? That everything that exists in life is for a reason? Even these tears". And at that time, I have not smiled for months. Heck, I hadn't been able to experience any emotion for months. So the joy of actually being able to do so was indescribable. "Count your blessings, nak (child). Always count your blessings", my father would gently say after every prayer.

I am also lucky I have friends to kick some sense in me. "No one should make you feel inadequate and low. Only an emotional abuser does that", a good friend advised.

Emotional abuse.

Yes, I am way too familiar with that. One of my many life motto is "Once bitten twice shy". My boss once said to me, "Don't settle for less. The man should not make his partner feel less a woman than she is. No one should be made to conform to certain ideas". 

I always tell myself. I must have done something so right in my life to be lent these amazing people.

Alhamdulillah.

I cooked Asian aglio olio today. It turned out sedap which also means I am doing better emotionally already. Whenever I cook with negative emotions, my cooking gets ruined.

Come to think of it... I've been cooking a lot of pastas lately:


Asian aglio olio, alfredo, lasagna, and pesto variants.