Sunday, December 28, 2008

penat... aku penat.

hols this time lasts for almost 2 weeks, but i hung out with them around thrice only. however, i'm still grateful that all of us got together this time... except for Tra :( hopefully she had fun in Shanghai. Anith nit nit said Tra's mad that i didn't mention missing her. gosh, of all the Stucks, the last people i should expect to see are always Tra and Fana, therefore, i miss them the most.

gah... last week was rough on me (this explains my emo post for today). a new week is starting. i wish the tables will be turned soon. i'm so exhausted both mentally and physically. i'm starting to give up on the 'home sweet home' saying, and you know very well that i'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. patience is running out... rapidly. old impulse macam making its way back. that'll be bad :( 3rd week of December was great though. well, a lesson i had learned this time is... don't accept all invitation next time. reject a few that you know would most probably burden your mind more than it eases. i've got to learn saying, "No", and that'd better be fast.

aku penatlah macam ni! ARGHHH!! TEKANAN! TEKANAN!!

as weird as it may seem, talking about nerdy stuff eases my mind a bit.

SO! i just found out that the Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming (extending to Idaho and Montana), United States, holds 2 active supervolcanos overlapping each other. "So, what's the big deal?", you may ask me.

supervolcanos are known for its destructive abilities which are in many ways are greater and more terrible than normal volcanos. what makes these supervolcanos which Yellowstone National Park holds more dangerous is that they contain magma that is rich in sulfur. this means, if they were to erupt, it'd generate an extremely super uber huge explosion. the opposite might occur though, if the magma is rich in basalt instead. explosion of supervolcanos such as that of Lake Toba, Sumatra, had been thought to cause the Millenial Ice Age ~75000 years ago which lasted for almost 1000 years and wiped out about 60% human population, Wallahua'lam.

according to geological findings, a supervolcano in Yellowstone had indeed erupted about 640000 years ago, producing caldera that is so huge that you can't see its complete outline even from a helicopter. caldera is sort of elevated rim surrounding an already erupted volcano. it is produced due to rapid emptying of magma chamber which causes the overlying earth to collapse into the empty space. the thing about the magma chamber of supervolcanos is it is not the usual cone shaped magma chamber you usually see in normal volcanos, but for supervolcanos, they have hemisphere magma chamber which serves larger surface area to channel the lava out.

what alarmed some people was a report saying that there is gradual increase in the height of land overlying the supervolcanos of Yellowstone, which is among the signs of increasing volcanic activities. no worries, though, since experts assured the public that there is no increased risk of volcanic eruption in the NEAR FUTURE. near, they said? how bout far? paranoid gila aku.

but well possibilty is always there, isn't it? salji di Malaysia...?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

bandar ada sejarah?

Written at 1.31am, 26th December 2008

It’s a post written from Pengkalan Balak beach, Malacca, this time. I am extremely sleepy right now. Nevertheless, I’ll try to finish this post in an hour.

So, a friend, Mr. Ariff mentioned that my blog posts are always about happy stuff. Gosh, truth is, I’m not in any way as brave as you are to write too much about myself, worrying my weak points will be exposed if I do so. There were a few disappointing incidents occurred yesterday. It came to a point where I’m starting to seriously think of the significance of my existence to others. Giving and giving and giving is rapidly wearing me out. Of course, there had been a few times I had the thought of wanting something in return. I’m sure God has not left me unwatched or misjudged… but I feel so worn out lately. Something is eating me slowly, mentally.

There is indeed one thing that had been disturbing my mind since a few months ago. That thing makes one of the factors I couldn’t break my high score record in Speed Chuzzle of Chuzzle Deluxe game, therefore, I’m currently stuck at 185385. That sounds stupid, I know, lol. When will this be solved? When will ‘I’ solve it?

p/s: i just found out that Eye On Malaysia, that ferris wheel was transfered to Malacca. i wonder why...

p/s 2: here you go, a picture taken from the resort where i was staying in. i'd highly recommend this resort if you are looking for a place to stay in Langkawi. they even have man-made lakes with lotus located at the center of the resort and small bridges crossing it. beautiful, really!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


6.00pm, 23th December 2008

So, here I am, writing from the lobby in Pelangi Beach Resort, Langkawi, while waiting for Umi’s meeting to end. Since the internet here is ridiculously expensive – RM24/hour, I had to save and keep this post in my laptop first before being able to post it in the blog... and I’m wondering the reason the 5 stars Renaissance hotel charges RM12/hour and this resort which is rated equally charges twice that price. Gila la… aku bukannya pengecap duit kot.

The island hasn’t changed much since my last visit here which was about 5-6 years ago. I’m quite sure you had heard of the curse of Mahsuri. Legend says that Mahsuri cursed Langkawi island to sort of ‘die’ for as long as 7 generations after being accused for a crime she did not commit. According to the media, the 7th generation of Mahsuri’s descendant was already born, but… I fail to notice much improvement going on here apart from newly widened roads.

I’m trying to weave the best words to tell Umi that I was fined for parking without buying a parking coupon. Hampeh sungguh! Ingatkan dah tak wujud sistem kupon letak kereta kah kah kah :P Okay, dah borong coklat nak bawa balik Kelantan. Esok bersedia cari luggage bag dan semalam ternampak ada satu tote macam lawa, tapi macam tak berapa reti beli benda macam ni. Takpa, let this be the first time!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

hidup kembali

lately, i've been noticing myself thinking more than i normally do. some jokes are starting to lose their effects on me. therefore, i've been giving out fake laughters for the sake of being courteous.

my words are starting to sound like those belonging to geeks. i think it's safe to call myself a geek now. i don't mind that anyway. just look at me. i'm watching a tv programme on Discovery channel about choosing the best green-concept waste disposal method among four of them. while the narrator made 'Plasma condensation of waste' method sound perfect, all i could think about was, "Breaking down the waste using heat with a higher temperature than the sun would mean releasing free radicals. it ain't good for human. that might cause disruption on our cell membrane and direct damage on cell contents. for the operators... persistent injury on their cells might cause them to get cancer. their gene might be mutated too. cancer again. how about safety at the workplace? what if the containers leaked? gosh, that may release so much of heat. heat? oh, heat means more conversion of usable energy to unuseful ones. eh, entropy is increased! what a waste... yaddah yaddah...". gosh, since when did this start? marvelously, i can still think this while watching a physicist, Prof. Dan Kammen, giving his comments on the method, "Hey, one young and good looking man for a professor, lol. lucky wife. haha". what the... okay, i'm still normal.

oh, well, i decided not to resume the previous post. momentum is not there already :P

woh... getting to relax at home - where i get to enjoy clean toilet, neat bedroom, washing machine tak ganas, cozy living rooms, play with Danish and Tommy, etc., feels soooo good. i think i should start going home more. at the current rate, it'd mean going home only about 4times per year, with almost each holiday lasting less than 10days. with that, i might end up with manic depression. don't get me wrong. Kelantan is nice. beaches are easily accessible, food is everywhere, the billboards are very decent, and it's easy to find a musolla. nevertheless, it consumes a lot of time to adapt with the rude and ignorant drivers, hot tempered citizens, poor service at places that are not supposed to be, absence of several clothing lines i've made myself loyal to (lol), TRAFFIC JAMS (emphasizing on this), NUMEROUS TRAFFIC LIGHTS (emphasizing this too), absence of fly-overs which Kelantan needs so badly (just my opinion though), and the list goes on and on. Mel's father even told me that he is not planning to visit the state again after the things he experienced during his stay there. nevertheless, i highly respect one of the stands of the state government of Kelantan which is to avoid being in debt, hence, explaining absence of fly-overs and eye-capturing monuments. i can bear that... as long as i get to go home once in awhile -_- apa punya ayat diplomatik. apa-apa pun, aku percaya kalau orang Kelantan boleh letak ketepi ego mereka, mereka pasti boleh berubah, but let the good habits stay i.e. usage of Jawi writing sytem throughout the state. it gives out a different aura.

p/s: ah, hey, Prof. Dan Kammen had just critisized the 'Plasma condensation of waste' method to consume too much of energy and he's not sure what good will actually come out from such method. that coincides with my opinion. hey hey hey (rising my eyebrows a few times). action kamen! ARGH!!! NERDNYA AKU!!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

arrived safe and sound

written on 19th December 2008

hey, i answered the same thing to Adrian's message which was something about telling me to message him if i had arrived at my room and to drive carefully and safely :) dude is one very caring person. i wonder how are Ren Ming and him... heh heh~

it's just the same as that day... i had arrived home... safe and sound. one step out of the airport exit and a scream, "PEAH!!!", startled me like heaven! it was Mel, shouting from Anith's car. how happy i was to see their face and even that Rio that had been our transportation to here and there since we were... form 5? we'll be heading to Ikea today :D apa yang menarik sangat sana pun tak tahulah. kali terakhir pergi macam... dah berabad lamanya sebelum zaman kesultanan Melayu Jawa kot.

written on 20th December 2008, 3.00 a.m

ok, i forgot to finish yesterday's post, so, i'll finish it today :P but hold on! i'm too sleepy already and have an appointment with Dr Roslan in 6 hours. so, i'll resume writing this in 10 hours :P

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


i have these 2 friends, with whom i used to enjoy spending some of my time with. i wish i wouldn't need to replace that have with had :(

for some reasons, all those hullos, middle fingers, and tacky messages had stopped showing themselves. exam's almost over and we'll be having ample leisure time soon... i wonder if i can do one of my all-time favourites with one of them along with another too-kind-to-be-true buddy? i wonder what's the reason that's making him all sour now? -_-" there's even this one day when i waved at someone sitting beside him. looking at me, suddenly, the smile on his face slowly turned to frown. did i do anything wrong? even if i did... i thought guys are more easy going than ladies. now, who's going to answer my message 3 o'clock in the morning, asking for stupid things? aku tak rasa aku ada termencarut atau cakap buruk pasal orang tu. beritahu aku mengapa?

the thing with another one of them is... i got a silly message to which i gave a harsh yet so 'Zahirah-ish' reply, and things got gloomy after that. i should've replied with something more feminine... but that's not me. i don't write 'mesej gatal'. i don't enjoy attention much since attention always mean getting to be the topic of badmouthing among... be it ladies or guys, but those things that i like to do seem to be things that tend to attract others' attention. so, should i restrain myself from those things? some said, "i don't care what others say". gosh, be true to yourself. sometimes, you do get hurt by those ugly stuff they say and think about you. if you really don't care about the things others say, then, you won't be wearing clothes in public. you might as well run naked in the streets. nevertheless, this friendship still means a lot to me although i might not seem like it.

losing friends doesn't feel good :'( i have trust issues but it's still possible for me to give my small and almost worthless faith to a few people. for that faith to be crushed into pieces... that's too hurtful. perhaps i had been too insensitive. i think so. i think so... i think so... i really think so. tak gembira.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i'd like to play violin -_-

only 2 more days, Zahirah. patience! patience!

blargh~ since the medical and dental schools curriculum is not orientated to semester system, our hols don't coincide much with other universities, so i won't get to spend much time with them Subang friends this hols :( but at least there are still a few days for me to do so. it's okay i guess.

hm, worry, worry, worry... my veins appear dilated more frequently than before. it's so obvious that i can see the branches that are draining blood from my fingers and palm -_-" usually, it's accompanied by cold extremeties too. my hands felt weak a few times already. i wonder if i'm having any health problem. my medical history... let's see... such incident had occured before. about 2 months ago, during which my nail beds appeared purplish. my tonsils enlarge relatively easily. about once every 1-2 years. i get fever quite easily too. i have sensitive gastrointestinal tract. i have eczema. i rarely take painkillers or any medication, but i did take a stack of paracetamol pills about 7 years ago, but that's history, and no side effects were noted apart from drowsiness (but i guess i was drowsy because it was 3.00 a.m in the morning -_-" sleepy might describe it better). i wonder if the side effect is settling in now... can't be. 7 years already woi. just recently, i noticed a white nodular lesion on my left tonsil which worries me too. there's also white fibrotic tissue on my buccal mucosa most probably due to persistent injury caused by free ends of my braces wire. takda masa sungguh nak jumpa doctor. mungkin balik nanti boleh jumpa Dr. Jeya. hm...

Monday, December 15, 2008

hm? -_-"

sometimes it'd help to get advices from someone outside of this field of study i'm so deeply immersed in. it gets annoying when you tell out your insecurities to someone and getting response that denies them. it gets annoying when people keep pushing you, thinking that you can always move forward without a rest. it gets annoying when people around you assume that you can always do anything regardless of the circumstances. it gets annoying when someone starts to treat you as if you're a robot. a problem free robot, operating only for the good of others but itself. even robots have problems to be dealt with such as getting rusty. and yet... an article came out about the mental health of doctors - a large number of doctors are either psychotic or neurotic. Mr. Government, you should really start treating medical and dental students as human too.

talking about dental students... i'm in a dilemma. how am i supposed to keep my spirits and enthusiasm alive when i have to face the fact that most of these things i'm currently learning will become obsolete in my brain, without being used much for beneficial purposes in the future? Mr. Dean, please have a better look on us :( selepas menghafal bagai nak rak nota berjengkal-jengkal... despite the explanations given by the Dental School, you know very well that we're not satisfied with them, don't you? gosh, how many times have a lecturer asked me whether am i a medical student? having to answer, "Tak, saya pelajar dental", always seem to disappoint them. we're studying medicine just the way our medical counterparts do and even had to strive harder in order to juggle between that and grasping dentistry itself, and yet, the mentality of the society still hasn't matured much. i remember attending a dinner with Umi's colleagues and i do remember restraining myself so much from giving a person a good punch at his face after listening to his very prejudice thoughts on dentistry too.

3 terbakar argh!



Sunday, December 14, 2008

Encik Bulan, kau di mana?

Encik Bulan pada 2 hari yang lepas seolah-olah cuba memberi aku semangat untuk ujian Selanjar 1 Perubatan kali ni. Even Umi had called me several times this week, everytime it'd be about updates on the vacations she and Ayah had planned, but I understand her very well... she was just trying to comfort my lately unstable mood. Although Ayah rarely calls me himself, I can always hear him yelling at the back about a few things to be passed to me while Umi and I were on the phone. What for sure, everytime she calls me, regardless of the time... whether it's today, yesterday, or tomorrow... she'll always make my lacrimal glands and accessory glands to start working =_='

When things such as pre-examination syndrome start haunts you, you tend to notice and get annoyed for petty things such as the fact that the room is so crowded and small, lighting is too bright, heat, hunger, feet are cold and dry, and etc. To summarize all of that - you get easily annoyed and emotional too.

Sitting by the window, I could feel the cold breeze outside. How much I want to just laze around with Subang friends. Although quite a number of them had moved out of Subang, I'll always consider them my Subang friends. I miss them :'( Those pictures taken at PD are so beautiful. How much I want to produce such pictures again. But I'm sure... this hardship I'm facing has reasons for it. Well, at least now, going home felt way more exciting than before! Tapi, bila memandang nota 2 jengkal ini... Insya Allah!! Kau boleh buat, Zahirah!! Kamu semua boleh buat!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

happy eid ul adha!

written on 11th December 2008, resumed on 12th December 2008

Raya Haji kembali lagi :D This marks my first time of celebrating Raya Haji in Kelantan. Though it was undeniably sad to be away from family during the celebration, I got to gain beautiful experiences from it. Meriahnya Raya Haji di Kelantan sampaikan kadang kala malu apabila mengingat kembali Subang Jaya yang semakin hilang identiti. Raya Haji in Subang would just be a day at which everybody gets to take a leaf and do ordinary things they do during other holidays.

For an instance, this chick came to greet us as we arrived at Nafsiyah's house. I've been wanting to hold a chick, but hesitated on doing so, fearing its mother would peck me :P banyak gila ayam dia kot, sampai nak dekat 60 (according to Nafsiyah's mother)... And I finally got to meet her many younger brothers and sisters. I remember Nafsiyah telling me whenever she's in a hurry to get back to the university, her siblings would assist her and pack the bag up for her. Gila chumil dan best!!!

that chick is one very small chick. hasn't even grown a feather yet ^_^

as dusk arrived...

... Again, all of us were stuck in a traffic jam -_-" Seriously, Kelantan needs fly-overs BADLY! No offence, but there are so many bad drivers here in Kelantan. Getting stucked in the traffic jam would only make them turn into unconsiderate monsters and I'll start to splutter my usual complaints, "Patah ke jari kalau tekan lever signal tu" and ,"What the... sekolah memandu manalah yang bagi diorang lesen ni -_-"". Lately, I've been having trouble with controlling my temper... Which means, I'm having trouble with restraining myself from cussing too.

Jijah and I went to our dental technologist, Kak Fiza's house too. Twice. Keh keh keh. 2 hari jimat duit tak beli makanan. Tapi sebelum tu, duit dah pakai untuk bayar duit minyak juga. Therefore, not much difference was made. Baik sungguh Kak Fiza dan keluarga T_T Rasa sangat sangat sangat bersyukur dapat mengenali mereka T_T

Sunday, December 7, 2008

jijah jones yaddi yaddi yaddah!

Selamat hari jadi, Nur Azizah Abdul Hadi :D

thank you for being so patient during all those 'makan lambat nak mamfus', 'pegi kuliyah lambat nak mamfus', 'take a chill pill', and for so much more that i couldn't state here. Happy burfday, mate!

i made her sumthing here untuk mengisi masa lapang keh keh keh! boleh juga melawat page Jijah Jones

Saturday, December 6, 2008

before forgetting...

i'm about to sleep now. the rain had just stopped and eyelids are about to stop holding themselves up too. so, before i forget...

yesterday morning, i had a beautiful dream :) a more wonderful one than my previous numerous flying dreams. it felt so real and i could still feel the pressure on my arms as if they were really there. i could still remember the surroundings i saw in my dream. i could still recall the sound of rushed footsteps trailing my back.

nevertheless, i felt my head and heart, both throbbing as i recalled those faces. it's impossible. almost impossible. i shall keep that in my mind.

one contact made so briefly as we were to exchange a property. a property that's never been ours. left traces in ones life for so long yet so meaningless to be thought of.

Friday, December 5, 2008

a post you wouldn't want to read lol

i was tagged by Hazwan and i'm trying to be courteous now :P kamu yang aku tagged sila jawab orait.

QA #1

1. What’s your ambition?
To become a good dentist and person succeeding in life and afterlife.

2. Who is more important to you? Girlfriends or friends?
I'm not a lesbian, that, i can tell you. so, the latter is my choice.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Hm... there were a few times when i was in secondary school and attempted suicide with a stack of Panadol pills and some other things, but thank God, apart from drowsiness, nothing had happened. i'm matured enough now though.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
I don't think so. there were several occasions i didn't feel like i'm confident enough. if i say i do, then i might be an over-confident person and that'd be bad :P

5. How many babies do you want?
4 would be nice, just like my siblings. besides, i like number 4. this might sound silly but, i have 4 siblings including me. each of us are 4 years apart. the number of my house is 44. the last 2 numbers of our birth year can always be divided with number 4.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Do you believe in seeing water pouring out from a cup if you were to turn the cup upside down?

7. What is your goal for this year?
To be a better person, d'uh.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yes, for God.

9. What’s is your favorite television series?
Apart from Mythbuster and House... i don't watch television much.

10. What are you really afraid of?
God and to die in God's wrath.

11.What is your bad habits?
Uncontrolled drawing, playing games & laptop, bla bla bla...

12. Is there anything you wanna tell to the people who hates you?
Why should i even bother doing so?

13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Kau tanya soalan yang common sense lah jawapan dia 'ya'.

14. What does flying means to you?
To be suspended in the air or imagination or to be in a higher place than before.

15. What do you crave for the most currently?
I've just had my lunch, so, nafsu dah takda sangat.

16. Most unexpected gift you received so far and when?
To be sent to earth, to have great family and friends, to get so many blessings from God.

17. Describe the person who tagged you in 5 words:
Wan pro yang konon bagus, perempuan, syok sendiri, haha. jk jk jk! take a chill pill, Wan!

18. What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
Honestly? play Chuzzle Deluxe and win the top score. there are some other things i'd do to achieve happiness, but if i stated all of them, you might think of me as "masuk bakul angkat sendiri" hahaha.

19. What will you become in another 10 years to come?
A dentist, hopefully, insya Allah, specializing in Oral Maxillofacial Surgery or Orthodontics... or maybe a dentist with both dental and medical degrees. a better and more matured person. hopefully to have a family of my own haha. common sense.

20. What have you achieved in life lately to make it better?
For a start, i'm no longer suicidal, rebellious (towards my parents), ignorant (i think so). i'm out of Subang hoh! that makes a big difference! i'm starting to be thankful for this life with full of surprises that God gave me.

QA #2.
Rule 1 -People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule 2 -Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tag by continuing this game by sending it to other people.

1. Do you have secrets?
I'll pass this question and i'm too lazy to follow the rules. Next!

2. Would you fall in love with a guy younger than you?
Younger guys turn me off. lol. same age or elder is better i guess. besides, guys mature later than ladies... right?

3. Do you enjoy going to college?
Freedom and independence. Who doesn't?

4. what will you do if you have million dolars?
To finally buy a Triton or any fine pick up truck or SUV and spend some of the rest for humanity causes stuff.

5. Will you fall in love with your friend?
Isn't that usually the start of a relationship? -_-"

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I'll give a ratio of 1:2

7. List 5 current favourite songs
Zoe Jane by Staind, Niji by Aqua Timez, Al-I'tirof by Haddad Alwi, Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling, Great Romances of 20th Century by Taking Back Sunday. p/s: most of them are old songs that i've been repeating all of the time.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Too bad, but i'll stick with doing so anyway.

9. Would you be the person that you are if you were to be reborn?
Yesterday makes today's Zahirah and i'm fine with that.

10. What do you want the most at the moment?
To talk to Ayah.

11. What kind of person do you think the person that tagged you is?
Ey, berapa kali nak tanya soalan ni??

12. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Life has more surprises than those 2 options.

13. What is your favourite color?

14. Would you give all in for a relationship?
Nope. I'd always reserve a place for God although i don't seem much like it. Besides, everybody has his/her own price and to give everything in is just pure silliness.

15. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, which one would you choose?
The better one lah, d'uh!! Apa soalan ni woi! Or maybe the one that has the qualities my father has.

16. What are the top 5 bands that you listen to or love?
All time favourite or current? if all time, then i'll choose Guns n Roses, Dir en Grey, Glay, Raihan, and Staind.

17. Name 3 things you would like to do but would never be able to.
I'm not sure what might happen in the future, but these are some things I've been wanting to do - to be a chef, professional guitarist, and architect.

18. 5 people I have tagged.
Hannah Marzuki, Syed Zahid, Fahzahida, Farhanah Zulkefle, Rauf.

it's been awhile...

... since a song touched me. that sounds cheesy, i know, but i can't help it ~_~

i've never posted a complete lyric in my blog, so, this makes my first. the culprit is Zoe Jane by Staind. the song was made to honour Aaron Lewis's (vocalist of Staind) daughter, Zoe Jane.

Well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound
i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things that this life has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter
when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone
sweet zoe jane
so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been
"i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for"

the 3rd stanza seemed like it was telling a story about Ayah when i was in primary school. at that time, Ayah was sent to Bosnia Herzegovina somwhere at the end of right after the Bosnian War for nearly a year. frankly, i was ecstatic about it albeit having my father going somewhere so far away. reason was 'takde orang nak control hidup aku haha', until one day (long after Ayah came back) Umi told me that when we were bidding Ayah goodbye at the airport, Ayah was actually about to cry while all of us, siblings, were acting like nothing much were about to happen. according to Umi, it has always been like that. Ayah is a family man, undoubtedly. being a chronic smoker, he threw away his cigarettes when Umi was having Along, the eldest among my siblings. he even secretly refused Daddy's (uncle, husband to Mummy) cigars from South Africa.

"i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things that this life has in store for you"

Ayah had always been a strict father... an extremely strict one. the 'rotan' and lots more did make their visit on my skin. nevertheless, i'm sure that his intention was to protect me. some people said, "Gilalahh, aku takkan buat macam tu dekat anak aku". now, i think i'll reply with, "Kalau anak kau degil macam aku, mahunya kau halau anak kau terus dari rumah". i was stubborn and rebellious. he didn't let me out easily and i used to understand that as 'saja mengongkong'. he have been telling me, "Dah besar nanti jangan cari kerja yang tak tentu halal haramnya", and listed some examples that i hold on as guidance till today. he taught me quite well on religious stuff, but i rebelled. i honestly think i had 'menconteng arang ke muka'. gosh, i used to skip prayers so frequently and lied to him when he asked. Astaghfirullah... :'( i have secrets that only Ayah knows and it stays between him and i. a few are just silly ones and others are 'perception-threatening'.

"so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been"

except for this stanza, the rest is quite related to Ayah and i. he told us about his past. about how he struggled during his childhood. about how small his old house had been. a small, obsolete house with one room. how he rarely gets his allowance and most of the time, he got rewarded for answering questions that most of his childhood friends couldn't answer. according to him, he's quite intelligent (keh keh keh). how he grew up, getting accepted into university which was a very rare chance during his time. how he entered the ministry and climbed up while still holding to his honest principles.

being me, i'm not used to affectionate gestures since i was always treated like a son. one day, while walking, Ayah held my hands and i tried to break free because i was uncomfortable, but he kept his grasp firm till today, and i'm used to it already. Umi and Ayah might be the only people i'm comfortable to do such things with so far. they are indeed my parents although they joked about, "Masa Umi lahirkan anak dulu, ada Indian lady lahirkan anak juga. Agaknya tertukar dengan baby dengan Ira masa kat tempat kumpul bayi. tu yang muka lain sikit".

i wish i could be someone like him... or someone better.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

it's just another cloudy cloudy cloudy day~

being extremely busy, i had lost track of the time... again. i thought today is 1st of december. ~_~

well... have you heard of pre-examination syndrome? perhaps the answer is "No", but i'm sure most of you had experienced it and to second year medical and dental students, this might be the exact thing they are currently experiencing. all the best to you guys and myself. i refuse to say "Good luck" because somehow, saying so gives an impression of 'you didn't study enough, so, now you'll have to depend on your luck', get me? oh well, maybe i'm just thinking too much, just as Ayah had critisized me (dengan membina okay). anyhoo, pray for me, makasih, makasih.

'tengkujuh' is now frequently becoming talk of the day... or perhaps blog post of the day -_- it rains more than 12 hours nowadays, giving out an aura of gloom, inducing sleepiness and laziness in residents of Pantai Timur (of course people of USM Kubang Kerian are not excluded). ironically, cloudy days makes me happier more than sunny days do. okay, let me try to figure out how my mind works. maybe it's because everything stands out, showing off its own beauty in such weather, not being outshone by intense sunlight. even the grass looks lusher than it does during sunny days and most importantly, it's chilly and windy~ perhaps i can finally fly my 'katak' kite :D hopefully without getting shot by lightning. i guess those make the reason my preference for winter over summer :P but, like the Philippines say (according to Umi)... "we have all year summer here" heh heh heh. the nearest thing to winter here is... monsoon season. one extremely WET and SNOWLESS winter hahaha.

change of subject

before i forget... let me record yet another priceless experience i gained during my bachelor degree in dentistry.

as usual, we had clinical teaching yesterday. this time it was conducted at Red Zone, Accident & Emergency department. to our surprise, Dr. Ramdan replaced Dr. Tuan Hairulnizam for this time. seeing him alone surprised me as i thought he was a paediatrician since i once saw a stethoscope with a koala bear clip hanging from his neck. since then, i had been labelling him as the cute paediatrician and frequently bumped into him. it turned out he's in Accident & Emergency department. oh oh oh. tapi dia tetap chumil in his own way haha... tetapi agak serius juga (x_x)

we had a patient with a haemolytic anemia disease which was thalassaemia as our subject for that day. thank God, i was given the chance to do physical examination on her. just getting to palpate the lower edge of a normal liver already made me so excited, what more if i were to palpate an enlarged liver, or hepatomegaly in Greek. her liver was so enlarged that it reached right iliac fossa (about the same level as the groin or slightly above it. normal liver is supposed to be just near the last rib) on deep inspiration, Subhanallah! that's almost 6-8 finger breadths of enlargement! the liver was very hard in consistency too due to deposition of abnormally high amount of iron resulting from intense hemolysis. i even got to palpate her left lobe and mapped the lower edge of her liver. i was expecting to palpate an enlarged spleen as well, since it's a thalassaemia case, but failed to do so. according to the chumil doctor, she had a complete splenectomy. sad, but glad. sad because i missed the chance to palpate a splenomegaly, glad because at least she was treated previously for her disease, therefore, her case is not a neglected case.

there, another experience i will never forget insya Allah... if i don't get Alzheimer or amnesia hoh!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

atashi no utsukushii yume ka

incik Onn dan incik Rauf, bila nak jam ha? incik Onn tak sudah cakap nak jam, tapi tak jam pun. cis cis. aku boleh mati kebosanan di sini walaupun berhasta nota tak habis baca lagi T_T Zahirah, kau memang suka belajar last minute. dari kau tadika sampai lah sekarang. seperti kata Fiza, "merakapundeng sungguh!!".

what's merakapundeng, you asked? merakapundeng originates from a Malay word, merapu. on the first look (or hear), it might seem like a Javanese word, but the truth is, it's just a nonsensical word Fiza splurts out whenever she gets mad. haha.

i'm in the middle of reading about autonomic nervous system affecting drugs. suddenly, a cartoon strip from the proudly Malaysian comic, Ujang, came to mind. it was about a group of villagers led by an imam making regular rounds during Ramadhan. then, they saw a couple of drug addicts doing their usual stuff, and tried to arrest them only to be disappointed as the drug addicts escaped gloriously, Fast and Furious style. i remember reading the, "HOH! macam pelesit depa lari!", or something of the equivalence :P but that story dates back to 4-6 years ago.

nevertheless, a question lingered in my mind as i read that cartoon... "kata orang hisap dadah tak berapa bagus consciousness dia, tapi... apasal kartun tu boleh lari dengan hebatnya?", and today, the question was answered dengan mantap sekali oleh lecture Dr. Asia Rehman ini. you know very well that i won't be satisfied with mere 'maybe's.

mana taknya... drugs such as amphitamine & etc. will eventually cause level of neurotransmitters such as epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine to rise. those neurotransmitters will then bind to α1, α2, β1, β2, and β3 adrenergic receptors present in our body.

by the activation of α2, β2, and β3 receptors, high level of energy sources such as glucose are made available by activation of several process such as lipolysis, gluconeogenesis, glycogenolysis, etc.

next, β2 receptor activation also leads to increase in skeletal muscle contractility, hence, the reason the drug addicts were able to run as fast as 'pelesit'. even the delivery of nutrients and oxygen to the muscles were made faster than usual. β1 receptor activation causes the heart to pump crazily, pushing and pushing the blood to our countless cells. activation of α1 receptor (which is widely distributed in blood vessels compared to heart) leads to vasoconstriction of majority of vessels causing blood pressure (and also blood flow) to go sky high while β2 receptor activation leads to vasodilation of vascular beds, therefore increasing the surface area for exchange of nutrients, oxygen, and other substances between vessels and organs and skeletal muscle. then, the blood volume is also being expanded by increase in renin secretion. you know very well renin-angiotensin-aldosterone system leads to water and sodium retention, contributing to increase in blood volume. there, the organs and skeletal muscle are being bathed lavishly with nutrients and oxygen delivered by blood.

eh, but i didn't explain how the increase in oxygen supply were made possible, did i? β2 receptor activation also leads to bronchodilation. therefore, less turbulent air flow and less resistance. kenapa mata drug addicts kuyu? can it be because of activation of α1 receptor which leads to dilation of pupil (by contraction of pupillary muscle of the eye)? mungkin mat dadah tu rasa silau bila pupil dia jadi besar sebab cahaya lagi banyak masuk mata daripada kadar yang normal, so kena kuyukan mata? but that might also explain the reason those drug addicts can disappear so fast even in the middle of the night.

so... for all these... why abusing drugs is bad for us? easy. i told you that β1 receptor activation makes our heart beats crazily, didn't i? although the size of our heart is just slightly smaller than our clenched fist, it consumes so much of oxygen, about 20-25% of our oxygen supply if i'm not mistaken (tak berapa ingat percentage smua ni). so, when the heart gets crazy, so does it's oxygen demand. the oxygen demand will increase so high and might be one of the factors why amphetamine usage is linked to increase in heart attack incidence. not to mention that our blood pressure will go sky high. our brain has very fine blood vessels supplying it. it's not able to tolerate such ridiculously high pressure of blood, therefore, cerebral hemorrhage is one of the consequence you'll have to face if you were to abuse drugs. for guys... your 'little brother' down there will shrink due to redistribution of blood supply hahaha~ apparently, in sympathetic nervous system activation, our body behave in such way that it thinks the penis is not an important organ to be involved in 'fight & flight' situation. mestilah... takkanlah tengah takut nak kena belasah, 'little brother' boleh menolong. LOL!!!! and there are many more terrible side effects of drug abuse, so... mung nok ke... tokse ke... ikut mung la. aku ghoyak awal-awal dah. mung gelenya sangat nok try tu, try ni, rasakanlah, rasakanlah (bercakap dengan loghat Kelantan ala Siam).

okay, okay, biar aku 'be frank' je lah... aku tengah nak cuba hafal distribution and action setiap adrenergic receptor sebenarnya, haha~ bosan baca? haha, too bad, it's my blog anyway.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you don't know everything after all

gosh, i'm extremely annoyed right now for certain reasons. sampaikan lagu2 'sakit mental' yang dah lama aku tak dengar sekarang tengah bermain di Media Player aku.

firstly, kenapa ramai suka meninggikan suara? perlukah? sukakah? do you enjoy getting yelled at? selangkah keluar dari kepompong kau, laju sahaja setiap tutur kata dan adabmu berubah. begitu indah sekali melihat perubahan si hipokrit apabila berada di khalayak ramai.

kenapa harus melatah tanpa selidik? "Kita harus mempunyai 'type A personality'", kata orang. adakah kau sedang cuba menyatakan bahawa kita tidak perlu bersabar dan hanya fikir 'aku aku aku aku aku aku'? sudahlah... inikah komuniti bijak pandai yang dijaja namanya selama ini? i'm not impressed.

indahnya tangan menaip manakala mulut bertubi-tubi mengeluarkan hujah-hujah tentang politik dalam pelbagai segi; baik hidup, universiti, mahupun negara. tidakkah kita sedar bahawa kita hanya cuba merawat 'symptoms'nya sahaja? bagaimana pula dengan punca sebenar suatu masalah itu? hodohnya 'attitude' yang kita megah-megahkan ini.

kenapa perlu riak dan takbur? itu bukanlah hak kita. kau bukanlah Pencipta kita. lagi pedih apabila seseorang itu riak atas hak orang lain. pedih? atau patut aku katakan... kelakar? apakah hidup kau bertujuan untuk menarik perhatian orang lain semata-mata? the world doesn't revolve around you no matter what you do, geddit?

kenapa suka mendesak? keperluan kau seorang sahaja yang pentingkah? tak sedarkah kau tanpa orang lain, kau tak mungkin boleh berfungsi dengan baik. we support each other. EACH OTHER, mind you.

ya, kita menuju ke arah masyarakat terdidik. bagaimanakah kita boleh mendidik diri dengan baik kalau dengan sedikit sahaja ilmu pun kita dah terasa sangat agung? apabila ada yang menegur, melatah pula.

dan... apa dah jadi dengan masyarakat sekarang? seronok sungguh membuka pekung satu sama lain. mengumpat. menceritakan keburukan seseorang itu depan tuan punya diri sendiri. is that your idea of joking?

secara terus terang... aku tak fikir kita layak mendapat 'freedom of speech'. lihat sahajalah surat akhbar dan majalah. ah, tak perlu kau cari jauh-jauh. cari sahajalah dalam Internet. cakapkan secara jujur... adakah kita menggunakan hak itu dengan betul?

sekarang aku faham kenapa negara kita berada dalam keadaan ini. aku kecewa melihat penyakit yang tak terkira dalam diri kita semua. aku mahu berubah, dan aku seru yang lain melakukan perkara yang sama.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

selamat hari jadi :)

selamat hari jadi, Norhafizah

a friend in need is a friend indeed. that describes her very well. i could not ask for a kinder person at heart as a friend.

cerita malam semalam yang mengejutkan aku seorang

Fiza, Jijah, and i were driving our way to Muhibbah Cake House to buy cake. suddenly, Twilight Chapter Seven by Jay Chou played on my handphone. ahh, it's Umi. i answered happily until Umi started to talk with hesitation. when Umi does that, it's always about something that would sadden me. "Kalau Umi bagi Danish dekat Mak Cik Zu boleh?", Umi said.................................................. i lost control of my temper and started to splurt out emotional words and pleaded Umi to keep Danish. before the conversation ended, i surrendered as soon as i got a grip on myself again. jangan sampai aku jadi anak derhaka. as the phone went engaged, my tears trickled down. loh, cengengnya anak ini! i told myself, "No... not this time... i couldn't give him away". i'm already regretting giving my oldest hamster, Mikay, to one of Wani's friends and i couldn't give Danish up. not this time, but there's always a line drawn between a child and her parents. i can't cross the line. i can only pray to God.

a few minutes passed, and again, the handphone rang. again, Umi's picture was displayed on the screen. "Hello, Assalaamu'alaikum", my voice sounded inevitably disappointed. to my surprise, Umi said, "Umi tak jadi bagilah". i was happy, d'uh, but worried in the same time. was it because i slightly raised my voice? i apologised again and again to Umi. i sent her a message after we both hung up, again, apologising. i couldn't bear the thought of being an 'anak derhaka'. i refused to repeat my past. then, Umi's message came in:

"Apology accepted"

again, my tears dropped. terima kasih, Umi dan Ayah.

what's the big deal about a rabbit, you may ask. cendawan kememe gila sebab binatang pun macam tu. firstly, i get easily attached to animals compared to human. yes, i don't get to spend much time with my family, but it's okay because i still have Danish to greet me everytime i come home. i've been too attached to this one pet i have. i kept him since he was a baby and attended to him everytime he got ill and yeah, he gets easily infected. had to brush his fur once a week and cut his nails once a month. let him loose on the ground once a week. don't give him too much of pellets or he'll get obese easily. don't overload him with vitamins or he'll get toxicity. don't let him out more than 40minutes or he'll pee everywhere... and he poops A LOT! he loves to dig anything that's soft. he's not very tame. i don't think rabbits can be tamed as well as cats or dogs can. i'm still mourning Mikay's departure till today although i might not seem so. i still use his name in several occasions. blah! you won't understand if you're not much of an animal-lover. and i'm already too sick of giving away my pets. i've been like a factory that breeds animal and gives them away for free to people who i'm not even sure whether they are capable of taking care of the pets well. so, you can easily understand. this is my weakness point.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

along aku yang satu

there's one family member whose photo i don't have many. that person is my elder brother, Along, who's also the eldest among us, 4 siblings. 'legend' says that he lost a huge amount of fat he once had (konon, hahah). Ahmad was ecstatic about it, while Wani was worried about it. being a person who studies medicine, i'm worried about it too -_-". 1/2 of his initial weight, mind you! so, i sent an sms to Along, just to check him out:

"Salam. Along, apa khabar? Dgr kata Along da kurus. Kekeke!"

a few minutes passed and an sms came :

"Alhamdulillah baik. Nak tau balik le. Mcm mn study?"

chet! soalan klasik tu lagi. nevertheless, i feel relieved to hear from him. Along's taking care of me well. yeah, he's trying his best to protect these little parasites clinging to him since childhood, but he doesn't, or shall i say wouldn't show this kind side of him. he wouldn't say or message you, "i love you" or anything of its equivalence. this brother of mine will most probably transfer lots of money to Umi's account and ask Umi to use it for purposes such as paying for my car -_-" it's not as if Umi would keep it as a secret, haha. i'm not sure i should call it silly or purely sincerity. the latter describes him best, i guess. i hope Along is okay.

p/s: wa akan potong lu balik nanti, Along! hoho~

Friday, November 21, 2008

hols hols hols not holes

i woke up relatively earlier today :)

ransacking through my 'My Pictures' folder, i found a few pictures i took from Wani's facebook quite some time ago.

there... Wani, doing... doing... doing... uhm... i don't know. Along, pushing my preambulator while biting a biscuit, and hairless Ms. Egghead trying to walk to God-knows-where. zaman kegemilangan baju hotdog tuuu!

there, Wani, giving her best shot (hoho) and a-little-bit-haired Ms. Egghead with a new person welcomed to the family, Ahmad. haaa, zaman kegemilangan baju hotdog kali ni dengan fabrik denim dan subang diperbuat daripada pelekat warna-warni. was Wani holding the stickers???

old pictures are so nice to look at especially when you can't recall taking those pictures at all. gahhh. dah lama sungguh tak main rollerblade. dah lama tak panjat pokok. dah lama x buat sommersault dkat buaian. dah lama tak kena rotan. ahaaaa~ i wonder how others' childhood are like...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

officially a nerd

before i forget, yesterday................


praises to God for granting me such precious experience, Alhamdulillah... i can still recall the feeling of his liver. it felt like a soft solid with diagonal surface slowly resting on the edge of my hand as the patient inhaled deeply. i could feel the depth changes on the surface of the organ. then, as the patient exhaled and the liver bade goodbye, i could almost swear my heart stopped for awhile before it started to beat madly and i went euphoria. what exaggeration!... and he was not my first subject. after many subjects, finally, i got my first experience of palpating the liver. after doing a complete physical examination on him and before leaving the ward, i wished him Assalaamu'alaikum, honestly meaning it. honestly wishing he would recover from his ischaemic heart disease. insya Allah.

so, i'm thinking of buying a pair of hamsters. i can't remember not being attached to any animal at any time of my life. be it the stray cat, fish that pooped a lot, rabbit that doesn't run much, hamster, persian cat that is being threatened by obesity, etc. however, i'm having doubts about this. i'm worried that the history might repeat itself. i used to have a couple of hamsters as pets. within several months, they bred and bred until the number totalled up to nearly 30 and Umi and i had difficulty with managing them (although i had no problem with remembering the name of each of them). i remember having almost 6 large cages. siap ada satu minicity warna-warni untuk diorang tuuu... hm... patut bela ke tak ah? kang busuk pula bilik. bilik sekarang ni pun tak terjaga sangat. cadar sendiri pun tukar 3 minggu sekali. bedding hamster dah la kena tukar paling kurang 2 minggu sekali. sat lagi terlepas nate tu, punoh nota2 aku... and i already have enough difficulty to focus on my studies right now -_-"

Rabbitku, Danish, kau apa khabar? Ayah kata kau makin gumuk.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

before 12.00am strikes

... one big fat

happy burfday to Melissa Ong Ren Ming

... a belated one, i mean :P

yesterday, MedDen friends and i celebrated her birthday with having steamboat! nothing special you say...? steamboat hasil tangan Ah Beh and Adrian ^_^ the rest played their 'tukang campak makanan dalam steamboat' role very well. sankyu for the great party, all of you :) especially to Alex, Voon Lip, and Ah Loong for teaching me 'cara pakai chopsticks zaman kuno'. never knew such method existed.

seriously... i think i'm getting lazier and lazier by day -_-" i used to change my bedsheet once a fortnight... now it's once every 3 weeks. eeek! and i still can't figure out how one could survive sleeping on the same bedsheet for months. i'm missing lectures more frequent than ever and there is no way i'm proud of it :( i find Fixed Learning Module (FLM) sessions to worsen by time (only God knows how sad the cards look like. hidup Apex university!!!......... yeah right). Zahirah, kuatkan semangat!

truth is... last fortnight, an incident happened, wounding my spirit till today. one incident that i am not willing to share here. "the way i know you... you're not the kind yang senang patah semangat kan?", recalling back what Umi said to me when i called her tearfully. yes, i'm the most rebellious child among four. feel free to ask my siblings. "dah, jangan sedih-sedih. Ayah akan doakan Ira, Insya Allah... Ayah sentiasa doakan awak... don't blame yourself... Allah boleh mengubah hati hambaNya. minta tolong dari Allah", Ayah said. Ayah told me not to blame myself too much for things that happened. he knows too well that i always tend to save others' neck before i rescue mine. sadly, many find that as 'cuba berlagak hero' instead of 'cuba menolong'. after all, it's your parents who know you best. tapi... keadaan tetap sama... fibrosis di hati kecilku sudah berlaku. it is here to stay.

siot ja. cengengnya ngga tanggung loh gw iki >:O

oh yeah, Hannah tagged me for this one survey. this is my reply, babe!

Here's seven things that you might not seen coming

- i find cooking very enjoyable. makes up the very reason of my addiction for Jamie Oliver... and hey, i applied for Culinary Arts course, but my application was hampered of course.

- sewing is fun too. i might be the only person in the house to utilize the small family sewing machine.

- LIPAS! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! i'm big. ironically, my enemy since childhood are... roaches yang kecil macam kuman. yang berkepak tu lagi ada previledge

- i like classical songs apart from 'lagu halau binatang bawah rumah' (as Ayah describes heavy songs). especially those that involve elaborate guitar plucking, hence explaining the reason i don't play much of rock songs on guitar. besides... lagu klasik lah baru challenging (rock kapak memang payah juga).

- gastrousus (XD) sensitif, kulit sensitif, 'taste bud' sensitif, begitu juga hati kecil aku. aku kaya dengan T cell kau tau?

- aku sayang keluarga aku T_T my response might not be the same if you ask during my pre-SPM days

- i prefer to befriend soft spoken people despite myself being one that is of total opposite :P

Alrighty, i'll tag these 7 people:

1. Tra
2. Mel
3. Faza
4. Onn Azli
5. Andi Rauf
6. Hazwan
7. Syed Zahid
sila buat soalan ni ya, cik- cik dan incik- incik sekalian -_-

Thursday, November 13, 2008

siapa kita?

i'm not sure... in what kind of world i'm currently living in -_-" aku tahu apa yang bakal aku tulis akan menyakitkan hati yang lain, tapi tiada guna aku pendamnya lagi.

Program Based Learning (PBL) program is certainly not a new thing for MedDen (medic + dental) students of USM and is regarded as one of the prides of this Apex university. so much for a 'pride'... i personally find it failing among dental students... or maybe among medic students too (based on complaints from fellow medical counterparts)?

Chief complaint 1 : Lack of participation from group members

i'm sure those who are relatively less ignorant are well aware of this. what's the aetiological factor?
-some answered, "tak confident". such excuse is acceptable for the first few weeks. my apologies, but it's getting more and more obsolete by time. where did all the confidence during 'tea-time' talks go? and sitting there in a corner, biting your nails, showing fearful face ain't cute at all :P who knows those things lingering in your mind might help? just splurt it out. it's okay.
-but then, some answered, "tak sempat belajar. tak tahu nak cakap apa". honest, but selfish. that's very unfair towards other members who might have other things in hand as well and worked their arse off to study first at least for an hour.
-aku pandai, orang lain tak perlu pandai sama. that speaks for itself.
-the worst - not listening, not acting like listening, having their own discussion. what exactly necessitates such act? nak nampak pandai macam orang lain tak 'competent enough' untuk berbincang sama-sama dengan kumpulan kecil anda?

Chief complaint 2 : Cakap hanya untuk bercakap
that statement sounds so wrong from grammar's point of view. the message i was trying to convey is actually... answering questions with non-concrete facts and is usually composed of almost nothing. apa sebabnya?
-aku pandai, aku tahu... tapi sebenarnya aku tak tahu. i wish some would think twice before blurting out senseless things. i appreciate attempts (most of them helps a lot in solving a problem or learning issue), but i wouldn't welcome, "uhm... aku rasa... ahhhh... hm... tak tahu lah. kau rasa apa ah?". what a weird habit.

Chief complaint 3 : Internet adalah segala-galanya

wikipedia is great, but sometimes are written by laymen. guess what? i did some articles on wikipedia too. always use it as last resort or in accidents & emergency cases only. never substitute textbooks with internet. that might be among the worst things for a learning person to do - to always find a shortcut. if you want to take the articles seriously, make sure the author has at least medical degree (MD) or other more credible titles written at the end of his/her name such as in medical journals. makes a good place to start with.


regardless of how intelligent we are... we are still students. we assist one and another. after all... we do live in a community. it is never my intention to purposely 'berlagak pandai' by writing this post. i, just like the rest of you, am also a learning person. i need you to assist me through this tornful path... and for that, i shall assist you too. most importantly, may Allah bless us and guide us. insya Allah...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


i'm sure i'm being silly for this, but for once... let me keep some things to myself. although it seems so far away, but, i guess it's okay to just stay like this. i know i don't deserve to get what i've gotten till this second (but i'm sure God knows best)... what more if i ask for something else?

i see life as made up of several different compartments where doors exist between adjacent compartments. i'm ready to run wild in all of the small rooms and cross the borders except for one... and in that very compartment, i'll always try to sit still in my comfort zone, peering through the wide opened doors, but not daring to cross the line. for that, i'll repeat what i stated earlier... "i guess it's okay to just stay like this".

Monday, November 10, 2008


Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Astaghfirullah!!!!! gumbiranya saya gigi palsu yang sepasang ni sudah siap~ sehinggakan rasa gumbira itu berjaya bertahan walaupun beberapa insiden yang relatifnya menyedihkan telah terjadi iaitu:
  • buat tampalan gigi molar kedua sebanyak 3kali
  • tukar mata handpiece jenis diamond fissure bur 3kali
  • buat lubang pada gigi molar kedua dengan ganas sekali (maximum speed, maximum pressure) sampai gigi hangus hitam dan mengeluarkan bau hangit dan mata handpiece juga patah
  • buat lubang yang terlampau dalam pada gigi molar pertama sehingga terus tertembus, hancur gigi
  • digelakkan DSA En. Daus yang chumil (muka langsung tak mencerminkan umur) dan mempunyai mata seperti kucing sambil dia berulang-ulang kali cakap, "Z, awak ni memang selalu lain daripada yang lain... hahahha...", merujuk kepada insiden-insiden di atas serta yang telah berlaku pada hari-hari yang sebelumnya.

sampai ke hari ini, aku masih lagi berpegang pada kata-kata Dr. Zuryati iaitu buatlah salah berkali-kali walaupun kena marah ke apa ke, sementara kita masih dalam latihan ni. perkara yang penting ialah kita belajar daripada kesilapan dan dapat 'treat patient' dengan 'excellent' sekali... macam... hello... assessment aku hampir tak pernah score lebih dari 60%. dah spotted kelemahan, barulah try ubah. tetapi... bila agaknya aku boleh jadi seorang yang menepati masa?

p/s: kemudian baru letak gambar Incik Gigi Palsu Hasil Tangan Cik Z oke?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

vena sesak??

hands and mind are very tired right now after a long prosthodontic class with my dental technologist, Kak Fiza, whom i already regard as my elder sister (after she gloriously digged on my past :P). that reminds me of an incident that happened 4 days ago. after almost 6 hours of non-stop prosthodontic class, i took a look on my hands and i saw... BLUISH & PALE WHITE HANDS!!!! and my nail beds were PURPLE!!! my veins even appeared as if they were extremely dilated and so near to the skin surface that i could see almost every branch of it. like a tree with countless branches. i could even see the veins supplying each of my finger very clearly! comparing the size of my veins at that time to their current state... it's safe to say that they were dilated to almost 2X the current size. i hope nothing is wrong with my hands -_-"

Saturday, November 8, 2008

um ah all-rounder wannabe

someone noticed me sewing... and my handwork made them somehow shocked... i'm not sure how i should be feeling now... -_-"

i have been an all-rounder wannabe since i started to gain the ability to remember. terima kasih Ayah (and God too for all that happened) for opening my eyes and made me see and learn so many things despite my relentless retaliation. he taught me to repair things, do some wirings here and there, cook this and that, cut this and that, taught so many techniques, concepts, and principles that i have been holding on till this day. i have the best father i could ever wish for. the last project i did with Ayah was repairing Wani's bed after i successfully crushed her bed during Raya hols LOL (dan aku baru aja hilang beberapa kilogram masa tu. cis! katil takde kualiti!!).

i miss those balik kampung times when he would shoot me with so many questions especially those that require calculations and creative thinking to solve them. i still remember the time when he bought a game for a 3rd grade student when i just finished my kindergarten. being a game freak, i worked my ass off to complete the game... and i did. to summarize these two paragraphs... i'd say... i miss Ayah :'( and i wonder... if guys nowadays have such qualities :P

ok, next!

aku suka yong tau fu di pasar Jumaat, depan USM ^_^ bukan yang ada di entrance pasar okay. masuk dalam sikit ja, lepas tu, pusing kiri. silalah cuba :D aku suka juga ABC special makcik yang hujung pasar tu, tapi, semalam, ABC dia manis sampai boleh potong kaki. untuk menyelesaikan masalah tersebut, kita boleh beli air mineral di kedai berhampiran dan campurkan ke dalam ABD tersebut. ingatlah. minumlah 2.5-3 liter air/hari untuk menjamin kecergasan minda dan badan :D

Thursday, November 6, 2008

tiba-tiba... terbaca nama mek ni bawah ruangan 'bloggers'. Farhanah binti Zulkefle, bila mau jumpa lu lagi? selepas berapa banyak get-togethers, still mek ni kekal menyepi T_T

p/s: if only you read this... :(
p/s 2: 3.26pm, 12th November 2008 : she commented on this post :D

Sunday, November 2, 2008

peace at heart -_-

yesterday, i received a call from my elder sister, Wani. truth to be told, aku agak terkejut, jarang-jarang sekali adik-beradik call... and truth to be told also, i was touched. it came at a time when i needed it the most. the time when i could not pour out my problems to the person i'm closest to. the time when i could not seem to find the solution to my problems - a situation i'm rarely in. terima kasih, Wani.

i also received a call from my eldest brother, Along. he's not good with words, but everytime he tries to weave all of his thoughts into sentences, my lacrimal and accesory glands would get into action and produce secretion that is made of serous fluid, immunoglobins, and several enzymes; one that is called 'tear' in laymen term.

and for all of that, once again, i feel extremely blessed. Alhamdulillah...

i know very well that i havn't been a very good younger sister to Along and Wani, nor have i been a good elder sister to Ahmad. and for that, i apologize. maaf T_T

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

cerita tentang jam dering dan lelaki yang macam...

it was around 12 o'clock in the afternoon, Sunday, 26th October 2008 and all of a sudden, the alarm clock on my handphone set off, playing Greeting by Sony Ericsson. i was in the middle of a discussion for Problem Based Learning (PBL) session. apa lagi... gelak sakan lah budak2 ni! mentang2 aku lupa 'off' alarm clock yang untuk pukul 12 tengah hari punya (my alarm clock is turned on for 5 times/day). they made theories on something like... that is when i wake up everyday.

hari ini... sekali lagi... terlupa tutup alarm clock untuk waktu yang hampir sama dan berjaya memalukan diri sendiri dengan suksesnya T_T kali ini pukul 12.10 tengah hari pula. wahhh, syoknya si Yue Ming yang tak dinafikan ke'lawa'annya dan kesetiaan terhadap teman wanitanya serta mempunya perangai yang sangat kontra dengan raut wajahnya lol, gelakkan aku, sampai sempat buat lawak dan anda yang diluar sana pasti sudah tahu... si 'best dental student 07/08' ni bukannya senang melawak dengan orang. menakutkan sungguh. apa lagi entah perangai dia yang aku tak pernah nampak dan hanya menunggu untuk terkantoi apabila dia tak berjaya mengawal emosi dan gagal 'nampak cool'.

J-Pop yang sangat chumil hari ini macam sudah tahu. oh oh oh, habislah aku.

cerita pukul 9.30malam +

i was about to drop Adrian, Beh, and Renming at their hostel after beraya sakan at Kila's house, just to hear from Yanti that she met an accident. it was Ain Sab who was driving her. so, we rushed to the 'crime scene' (hahahah). it was just a small scratch on both Ain and another lady's cars. things are supposed to be easy without too much of emotions involved, but uhm... i'll leave the rest to imagination.

anyhoo, then, the lady started to call this and that guy and next, all i know was about 4-5 men suddenly surrounded us. i believe that's a form of intimidation. thank God, Amin and some other guys suddenly appeared from nowhere, giving me a feeling of security. i decided to ignore that lady since no progress was made and she was angry and afraid in the same time. so, i talked to her elder brother instead. yaddah yaddah and Alhamdulillah, he was convinced that the fault didn't lie on us. i nagged a bit and he finally asked me the things that we want in return.

"Saya nak nombor telefon, nombor IC, IC sebenar, dan plat kereta", was all i asked for. initially, he hesitated on giving his IC number untill a bit of nagging and he gave out everything except for showing his IC as a proof. he kept repeating the words "pekerja PPSK" and "USM". suddenly, the words, "Dua-dua perempuan, dua-dua tak faham/tahu" came out and i was ticked off. i had to blame myself for losing control of myself as i said, "Encik cuba cakap yang kami perempuan, jadi kali tak tahu apa-apa tentang kereta semua ni ke?", and he denied (duh!). the thing is... yeah, the scratch was quite small, but quite deep nevertheless. polishing and whatsoever it might be required to restore the original look of the car might cost RM100+ just from my experience... and uhm... we're not at the age at which we can be very generous yet. money means a lot to us, duh.

in the end, i resorted to calling Umi to consult about this. Umi's answer was, "Tengok IC", just as i predicted. passed the handphone to that man and he showed us his IC (FINALLY!!!). then, he settled things with Ain Sab according to some terms that i decided on. last but not least, i tried to apologize to that man for all my wrongdoings (ada punya) only to find that man stopping me before i get the chance to say, "Maaf" (i guess he was annoyed after whatever Umi said to him), and i bla bla bla, and i apologized to everybody. tak berkat kalau kita aniaya orang.

i'm bothered by the favour, i can't deny that, but it gives me experience. i'm feeling guilty for pointing out certain laws that had been learnt during driving lessons which in a way might make that lady feel sumhow belittled, but i'm very sure that things had to be done that way to avoid further worthless arguements which are based on baseless accusations. i finally have to agree that men are more rational during critical times.

Friday, October 24, 2008

testosterone overload??

regardless of how boyish i am, i am still Nur Zahirah and not Nur Zahir. i wish some people would understand that :( a few misspoken words could still wound me. a few disregarded actions could still leave me all confused.

change of subject

thank God, i've found my ATM card :D Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Astaghfirullah. (Astaghfirullah for all the cussings, etc) only Allah knows how troubled i was when dear ATM card was away. 600km+ from home and had to live as a 'parasit berjaya', clinging to roommates untill 1.00am, yesterday. puas si Andi Rauf, Jijah, n Yah gelak. cest. bersyukur sungguh aku. cari punya cari, rupa-rupanya dear Maybank ATM card bersembunyi dalam attendance form yang juga berwarna kuning hitam.

i wonder why i cuss so much nowadays (-_-") ain't good... ain't good at all.

p/s: i had to write Rauf's name as Andi Rauf since many complained not knowing who Rauf is. Rauf = Andi. ok? ada paham sekarang?

updated at 4.03am, 25th October 2008


in a very good mood after jamming The Wonders' That Thing You Do. aku suka lagu itu :D kerana boleh goyang-goyang kepala ke kiri ke kanan sambil main bassnya :D dan boleh enjoy bunyi drum mainan si Andi Rauf :{o dan boleh marah si Onn bila dia mengadu tangan cramp main chords yang perlukan 'bar' hahaaaa

Monday, October 20, 2008

apa akan jadi kalau aku tutup mata?

guess what? friends and i won't be joining the botb because... all of us forgot to register. lmao. i'm not sure to who should i put the blame, but i'm very sure that there's no use doing so. nevertheless, i sense some guilty in me towards them -_- God knows best, or else i might be humiliating myself if i were to join the event with only 2 days of practice.

haa... it's 4.43am already and my eyes are still wide open. a little bit lightheaded. i should be sleeping but i'm not and class will be in 5 hours only -_-"

apa-apa pun, 2 hari lepas, sekali dengan budak-budak dental, kami pergi beraya ke rumah Yan & Yanti :) akhirnya~ bukan makanan restoran, warong, atau kafe, tetapi makanan yang dimasak dengan penuh kasih sayang (AH CHEY!!!!)! beraya dari tengah hari ke tengah malam. kami beraya di Tesco juga :D beraya makan sushi :D sushi yang terlebih cuka T_T kamu tau... aku rindu Sushi King T_T

eh chop... letak satu gambar yang diambil 2kali untuk menghasilkan efek yang dikehendaki tuannya.

ah haaa~ di saat kami tersesat :P

Saturday, October 18, 2008

untuk...? (karangan paling panjang mungkin)

kamu tahu... aku bingungnya nggak tanggung. apa mereka ikhlas? barangkali mereka bercakap-cakap belakang aku? tidak berhenti-henti aku coba mengagak. kamu tahu... selalu aja fikiran dan perasaan bisa terpapar di wajah pemiliknya. apa sukar untuk kamu mahu berterus-terang. buruk baikku memang patut ku tahu.

-------- ok, mood change~

baiklah. hari ini ada sedikit depresi. aku pun tak faham kenapa -_- siap sudah majlis hari raya anjuran Persatuan Sains Pergigian (PSG) - boleh dikatakan satu kejayaan, Alhamdulillah, tetapi yang peliknya, sebaik sahaja tamat majlis tu, rasa sedih melanda hati. bukan... bukan... bukan rasa sedih kerana ia tamat, tetapi rasa sedih dan gundah kerana perkara lain. aku sendiri tak berapa pasti mengapa.

oleh sebab itu, kasihan Jijah diheretku ke Pantai Cahaya Bulan untuk menenangkan fikiran. lain yang dirancang, lain pula yang terjadi. fikiran makin kabut. tiba-tiba sahaja teringat betapa seronoknya hati ketika percutian bersama coursemates di Pulau Perhentian. betapa lapangnya hati aku ketika itu... dan betapa kabutnya hati aku sekarang.

--------- sekali lagi, mood change

kata-kata yang 'injurious' kepada telingaku itu ada yang terhambur kerana kadang-kadang menghabiskan masa dengan kawan-kawan lelaki yang jujurnya berlaku hanya kerana aku lebih selesa dengan mereka dan ada urusan penting yang harus dilakukan. jujur aku katakan, aku tiada niat lain baik 'mencapap', 'menggatal', mahupun 'mengada' seperti ada segelintir yang terdetik dalam hati mereka.

kalau ada yang terus-terang menanya aku, "Kenapa tidak lepak dengan kawan perempuan aja?", maka, akan aku jawab bahawa aku memang dari kecil lagi lebih selesa dan rapat dengan abang yang agak abusive ketika itu (haha), adik lelaki, dan Ayah. aku pun tak berapa dibentuk untuk menjadi seorang yang ladylike. kanak-kanak perempuan yang chumil semasa kecil sibuk main masak-masak, sikat rambut anak patung, main nikah-nikah. aku pula sibuk menggunting rambut anak patung, tolong ayah mengecat dan membaiki apa-apa yang patut, drilling sana sini, wiring itu ini, cabut skru, belajar pakai komputer dari umur 4 tahun. budak-budak duduk dapur, aku duduk atas pokok mangga yang aku sendiri terpaksa trim dua kali setahun. aku pun tak faham kenapa aku yang selalu jadi mangsa untuk membaiki itu ini dan mengapa bukan abang aku yang buat semua itu. sehingga kini... keadaan kekal sama. aku masih lebih selesa dengan mereka.

aku pun dah biasa dididik dengan cara keras. "learn the hard way", omputeh kata. cakap sajalah apa yang tak pernah Ayah pakai hinggap di badan aku? rotan? kepala tali pinggang? batang penyapu? kepala tongkat? semua pun pernah. bila lihat parut kulit yang pecah berdarah dirotan Ayah dulu, ingatan kembali menjadi segar. aku tahu, ramai yang tak setuju dengan cara Ayah, tapi, secara jujurnya, aku bersyukur semuanya berlaku. apabila melihat orang sekeliling aku yang pelbagai ragamnya yang aku sendiri tak senangi, aku menjadi faham akan niat Ayah. bukan untuk melepaskan geram, tetapi untuk mengajar aku yang memang super duper keras kepala dulu. orang lain mana sanggup layan kerenah aku. lol.

jujur juga aku katakan... aku rindu Umi dan Ayah. dapat jumpa mereka untuk 2 hari sahaja semasa cuti raya yang baru lepas (considering the fact that i rarely come home and both of them are always away for work). aku bukan jenis expressive bila bercakap tentang sayang. aku tak mudah cakap, "i love you, Umi & Ayah" pada mereka. nak cakap macam tu pun tergagap-gagap. nak tulis dalam SMS pun teragak-agak. aku kekok bila mereka cium pipi atau dahiku. cara yang aku boleh tunjuk rasa sayang cuma... duduk di rumah selama yang mungkin bila diorang ada, cabut uban Ayah, urut Ayah bila dia bawa kereta, duduk sebelah Ayah bila dia balik dari pejabat dan bincang isu-isu semasa (ini kelakar sikit) dan agama, baiki barang-barang bila Umi suruh, dengar luahan Umi samada sedih atau gembira, doakan kebaikan mereka.

akhirnya, aku mengaku... aku berasa tertekan dan aku tak pasti pada siapa bolehku berpaling.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

hey hey hey

oh oh oh, played around using Adobe Photoshop, and tried to colour my drawings. i'm seriously a noob at this T_T and uhm... came up with...

caption : drawn ages ago during lecture. there's supposed to be a guy standing beside her, but it was too hard to colour him up, so... i erased him.

caption : this is my very first attempt. inspired by Kishie (only the hair and the shirt lol) and uhm... this artwork is very sketchy here and there.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

i know

"bzzzzttt bzzzttt", the sound of the handpiece gave me a headache just now, not to mention the smell. filling on tooth 27 was done well today :) Alhamdulillah. previous session was worse. guess what? i burnt a tooth model while trying to polish it. patutlah berasap semacam dan bau hangit ja! gigi hitam berkilat lawa gaya mutu keunggulan.

yesterday's performance was alright. a few glitches here and there, but overall it was fun for me :) makasih rauf n onn for giving all of us a good show although it was you guys' 1st performance... in front of ~700 people. you got balls O_O ah haha

wore some make up yesterday and put on more feminine clothings, and uhm... ada kena gelak sikit... ada kena ambil gambar sikit... ada kena comment sikit... ada kena whatsoever-shiznit-it-should-be. makes up the very reason i prefer to make myself look as simple as possible while in the university... but not selekeh, hopefully. nampaknya... budak-budak ni memang tak tahu aku yang version Subang. (*-*)

k, babe, batuk menjadi-jadi, idea melimpah tak tertype lagi. selamat malam ;)

Friday, October 10, 2008

catch one star and give it to...

there u go, Wani. aku sememangnya adik yang terlampau baik. lol.

anyhoo, today, health worsen again. first, the culprit went to my tonsils. next, it attacked the nose. then, the trachea. now i'm living happily with it, having otorhinolarynx infection ;)experiencing palpation, shortness of breath, sweat, presyncope, and productive cough. now... how shall i diagnose myself? roommate said i emitted weird sounds loudly during sleep yesterday. maaf, roommatesku T_T aku tak henti-henti menyusahkan kamu berdua.

anyhoo, i was thinking of naming my car. my guitar was named as Gitaku already. straight forward was my motive. i shall name my car as Kuruma. hahaha, straight forward again. 'kuruma' is car in Japanese language.

i guess i should get more rest. they are right.

ah, yeah, another cousin flew to Egypt 4 days before. all the best, Zahrah!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

God's gifts come in many forms

one step out of the automatic door and there's that pair of glinting God's gifts....... :) that beats Paracetamol for my fever.