Monday, June 30, 2008

um hm

i still can't take the memory of yesterday's incident out of my head. of course, i have my own list of suspects, and today, it's justified. what was that person thinking, trying to do something like that. it's not like i can't see through you. after all, i am an extremely observant person. i guess i unconsciously read your every action, words, and even grammar before, Mr.@ Mrs. Culprit. i just can't swallow the fact that the person refused to be straight with me. it's not like i'll tear you into pieces or what. i'm a professional okayyy. rrrrright, now i think i'm being self-centered. let's put an end to this. -end-

............... yooooooogaaaaaa, kena chillex sikit

i should add this to my Hopeful List - take anger management class.


exam's only a day away and i'm still here, pouring my frustration into cyberspace and floating in my own world. don't diagnose me as having acute cyberspace addiction, k. i'm looking for other forms of entertainment. so far, drawing has been scoring quite high, but i'm not sure what exactly should i do with all the drawings. now i'm wasting 'paperspace'.

computer games used to be my addiction. i want to play dota despite being a noobling in that (hanya matrics geng sanggup layan lol), but haven't installed it yet (computer reformatted) and i don't have the 'stimulus' to buy it in KELANTAN after being cheated 3 times. i want to play NFS, but already bored with that, and guess what... despite favouring games with great graphic, i get nausea easily after playing them approx. 2 hours (i wonder why. motion sickness maybe). i remember vomiting after playing NFS career mode for nearly 5 hours once. how embarrassing. i want to play GTA, but the excuse of not doing so is the same as that of dota. finally, i'm left with pathetic flash games. man, that's sad.

wish me all the best for exams owkay. i'd like to thank you in advance.

talking about thanking in advance, did you notice the signboards nowadays? eg. "Terima kasih kerana tidak merokok" or maybe, "Terima kasih kerana mengikut peraturan yang ditetapkan". hhahaha, gila psychology! hopefully the Ketua Aras will put up a sign in the toilet saying, "Terima kasih kerana tidak mematahkan penutup jamban" or "Terima kasih kerana tidak lupa untuk pam jamban selepas memakai" or mayyybe "Terima kasih kerana tidak mencampak penutup jamban ke atas lantai".

Sunday, June 29, 2008

second stab felt worse, but it's not supposed to feel like that... is it?

after almost 3 weeks of being a leader, i'd like to add "First time being BACK-STABBED" in my little journal in the column for 29th June 2008. this feeling is quite similar to the one i had about a year ago when i was in this one annual meeting for this one club i'm too pissed off to write about. even if i want to write it down, i can't. it'd spark fire unnecessarily.

seriously, God, show me, what should i do to break this wall between us? is it really impossible to do so? are all my attempts fruitless? i've never felt like coming to a dead end like this before. my anger is so overwhelming, but i can't hide this disappointment i'm feeling either.

i'm disappointed.






D I S A P P O I N T E D .

Saturday, June 28, 2008

budak baru masuk ^o^

seriously, Ungu n Bon Jovi sing the best love songs wah hahh hahh hahh. i'll put Chris Brown second.

today marks the start of the orientation week for the new batch of USM students 2008/09. gila chumill!! XD my desk faces the window, so right now i'm wasting cyberspace (as Quiwan says) while looking outside. really reminds me of that of my own. there she goes again, Zahirah getting all melancholy.

anyway, i can see parents going up and down the stairs, helping their children to carry sum stuff. heavy stuff of course. it sure ain't easy for them. boleh ada risk of slipping disc lagi. bursitis mungkin. hahaha, i still remember Ayah ignoring me when i insisted on carrying my heavy luggage myself. chey, chey, Ayah jadi cool haha~ the room made a very bad first impression to my parents. i'm a pain in the arse who loves to complain, but you haven't seen my parents yet. LOL!! i recall crying as i bade Umi farewell. that was the first time i cried for such thing, maybe because it's my first time kena campak jauh dekat Kelantan and i didn't come from a boarding school. malu gila hohoho

witness how much parents love their kids, and yet there are ungrateful slob of children who are not thankful for having them. i was one of them. thank God, now i'm not anymore.

i think i'm now well adapted already albeit everything that has happened. i'm thankful to God for everything that has happened.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

when everything seemed so bright...

squeezing my eyes shut and shouts,


reason? - got a call from the travel agent last evening, informing me that currently they could not find a chalet for all of us since it's a short-call... ... ... ... i couldn't take that off my mind till now and heaven, i am worried like (IE#)(*E)(*#)*)*!@)*@ !!! i'm praying really really really hard that everything will go smoothly T.T

yesterday, everything didn't appear good to me (ada hikmahnya... -_-).
-i woke up late (again) because i was sooooo tired after moving lots of stuff from my temporary room and it's aching throughout my joints. bursitis kot.
-i left my white coat in the cafe at school of med building which costed me to make a huge U-turn before reaching school of dent bulding and i was in a hurry at that time.
-i lost my key and ended up searching for it for almost 15 minutes. while doing so, something happened (which i'm too embarrassed to state here) and almost all of my knuckles of my right hand are now wounded.
-then, i had to wear rubber gloves while preparing cavity on a tooth model and the it hurt like crap as the rubber hit again and again against my wounds, additional thanks to the powder that was in the gloves for adding more abrasion points to it.
-next, my lab partner, Beh, asked a question repeatedly and i ended up pleading him to stop doing so as i was in a bad mood.
-no sympathy for me and Adrian said to me something like don't take it out on them.
-late evening, the call from the travel agent
-a few minutes ago, i ate the sushis that i bought from Tesco and now i feel like a series of retching going on in my stomach.

it was a depressing day. i was tired. still am. i got loooots of things going through my mind right now. finance. studies. friendship. bladdah bladdah... why am i whining so much? i bet there are many more people out there experiencing the same thing :P nevertheless, i'm pretty down yesterday till this second.

i guess that's the price to pay for smiling so much. people put their expectations so high up on you. some refused to believe that you have the same problems as they do (might be worse). some just could not accept that you too have your ups and downs just like them, but this is who i am. i don't frown all the time. i don't do poker face 24/7. it just makes people around me feeling horrible for things they should not. not trying to soooo hypocritic, but i'm just trying to be considerate. i don't do that for them to praise me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

mengapakah aku cinta sama mereka?

i was referring to my fellow dental mates. we'll be having a vacation to Pulau Perhantian, Terengganu, next Thursday, insya Allah!! actually, it's just among us year 2 dental students. it was the assistant, Teh Thian Ngee's suggestion at first and i thought he was joking, but... hey, that didn't sound so bad and there i went, starting to organise it. we all need it after all, after having only 1 month of annual holiday, GAH!!! don't get me start about that all over again.

frankly, i expected the response to be as sad as my previous kononnya-practicum-vacation to Genting which ended up with only 3 people going out of 23 altogether. nevertheless, that one was one enjoyable vacation, thank God :) makasih, Jauhar dan Sarah!

oh, now i'm drifting off the topic. the final count for this Pulau Perhentian trip is... 32 out of 50 which i found as quite surprising :D thank God, thank God, thank God! let's hope this one will be going smooth and enjoyable, alrighty... after all the hardship i went through with all those uruskan itu ini itu ini. it was not easy for sure. dood, ayat paling bagus nak tawar... "Kami pelajar je ni... duit biasiswa masing2 pun tak masuk lagi, memang x boleh afford mahal2. takpelah, kalau xboleh, takpe". try it for yourself and all the best with that!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Friday, June 13, 2008

another wave of melancholy

i'm currently listening to Fresh Leaves from Hana Yori Dango 2 OST and i can't help but to have yet another wave of melancholy in me.

my hands are restless. my hands are aching, but i'll continue writing this out nevertheless

.. a few times before, just like an extremely ungrateful person, i wished
that i had never made this decision that changed my life almost

a few times before, just like an extremely sentimental person, i wished
that i could continue living my previous life.

when flipping through page of my friends in facebook, friendster, & myspace, i just could not tear those thoughts away. the thoughts of what if i didn't choose to enter matriculation despite hearing bad things about it from friends and some teachers? what if i nailed down the interview for taking diploma in architecture in UiTM? what if i chose to enter any private college near subang? what if i stayed in subang and continued moving forward with my band, Apple Danish? what if i didn't stop smoking? what if i took other course apart from dentistry?.......

.......... how would Zahirah be now?

could i still be keeping in touch with some old friends that i can't even remember their faces anymore? could i still be going out and have lots of happy times with my friends? could i dream of being a dentist?

it's quite hard for me to sacrifice so much for... so much too. some people told me that everything's easy for me. i disagree. i sacrificed my time with stucks, my memory of some other friends, my passion for music, my dream of bringing Apple Danish to a higher level, my time with family, my passion for so much more, and most of all... the desire to live a carefree life.

i had lots of ambitions before. i wanted to be a soldier when i was in kindergarten because ayah was working in the Ministry of Defense and i wanted to protect the people in Bosnia. i wanted to be a cartoonist when i was in primary school just because everybody praised me for my drawing skill which when i looked back some time ago didn't really amaze me. i had the thought of being a cheff when i was in secondary school because i enjoy cooking so much (even now). i wanted to be an architect too, just because it's a job that is related to both arts and maths. i wanted to be a professional guitarist too somewhere in Form 4 and 5 since i love playing guitar and somehow, i'm fast on it although i learnt it almost all by myself. as you can see, none of them involves science. come to think of it now... how ironic :P

i consider myself very lucky and blessed. many sighed about my stubborness, but it's part of the reasons of me being who i am today. i still remember this one person saying this to me when i was in Standard 4, something like, "you punya result patutnya tak layak masuk kelas ni". i also remember this, "kau ni bodoh gila, semua pun tak tahu". i remember this too, "kau ambil dentistry?? gila lawak!! blah la, takkan punya". and this too, "tapi, we, dentistry ni macam susah la. aku rasa kau kena fikir banyak kali". maybe this too, "melambak-lambak orang macam kau". this one, i shall remember forever, "Zahirah budak jahat". if i decided to listen to all of these, you can just imagine. i guess, we should always listen to ourself, but only after counselling with reliable people.



Tuesday, June 10, 2008

another step forward

as told, as planned AND as i was forced to, i'm now back in the university to resume my mission in getting that bachelor degree in doctor of dental surgery, this time as a year 2 student. the feeling was a mixture of excited, happy, sad, worried, and determined.

now that i'm here and the classes have already begun, yesterday ended up with me feeling extremely exhausted. the schedule was packed like heaven......... NOT!! classes straight from 8am till 5.30pm with only ONE break which lasted for barely 1 hour in the afternoon and no gap in the middle. today proved the same too, except that the break lasted for 1/2 hour this time and the class ended near 6pm -_-" God, please help me through this,... but i love the input this time... somehow.

somehow, the dental buddies voted me as the year leader, so now i'm the leader of dental year 2 students which worries me. helluva credit, but deep down inside, i'm praying really really really hard to be able to execute my duties well. what concerns me the most is... i'm also the leader for my Convex Periodontics station and the Convex will be held in mid-August which means i'll be busy like crap soon enough. again, God, pleeease, i really need You this time T_T aku mahu jadi ketua yang bagus, bukan seperti orang-orang sahaja yang hanya mahu menempa nama dan aku bersedia untuk belajar daripada yang berpengalaman. insya Allah...

hari ni sangat memenatkan juga. maghrib tadi pun tertidur. lega gila dapat tidur walaupun 20min sahaja.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

but then i heard somewhere, "what stays the same in this world is what's right and what's wrong"...

"what stays the same in this world is what's right and what's wrong"- Mr. Horatio in CSI Miami

see, television actually gives us lots of knowledge. well, today, i ended up at a point where i had to face that what's wrong stays wrong and vice versa and this time, i had to decide it for the sake of someone else. i can be quite open minded at certain times, but not until my brain spilled out of it's cranium. although i know this decision might hurt someone, i also know that it's for the best of this person. a family member treats another one nicely, but not till that person's spoilt, that's my principle. CULTURE SHOCK is certainly a thing... a message to someone:

"if you must learn it the hard way, then you shall. the choice was always in your hands until you misused it. i gave you too many chances, but i was wrong to believe that you are wise enough in making judgement. wise comes with time. that, i believe, you should learn of."

this might only add another person to the "i hate zahirah" list, but oh well... people never stop talking and judging. it's for them to learn and for me to prove, but proving myself...? that's hard and i'm not so keen to do so in the mean time. some other time, perhaps?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Boleh, boleh beli, buk?

the caption is about what the sellers in most markets will be saying to customers. "Boleh beli apa pun nggak tau loh, bapak sama ibuknya", said our tourist guide, Pak Heru. thank God, i'm back home sadly, without a smile on my face. it was a 5 days trip as i told before, and i'm experiencing food poising starting at night of the 2nd day till this second T_T as i always worry about, i have an extremely sensitive gastrointestinal system, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. tapis semua benda tak elok dari badan. syabas!!

overall, i enjoyed Bandung the most. all of the stuff there were CHEAP LIKE HEAVEN!!!!! the clothes were fabulous, aku sangat suka, KL memang tak boleh lawan. since Bandung is mostly located within highlands, the weather was great. k, sekarang dah pening dan mahu muntah lagi.

-to be continued-