Thursday, July 31, 2008

jeng jeng gay jeng

so, again supper with those guys and girls around 1am. inspired me on what to write today- the PAST.

how different could they be before we met each other... and how similar can we be now that we're all sitting together.

trying to recall my old suicidal days... i'm very thankful to God that i'm still breathing today despite taking 12 pills of paracetamol at a go after learning that 9 are enough to bring one to forever lasting slumber. i'm very grateful to the One and only that i didn't cut the major arteries or get any infection after all those self-cuttings. started with superficial scratching using pins, gradually changing to blades, and yet those who didn't know my old self thought i had a trouble-free life. somehow, the scars on my forearm won't disappear and i'm constantly reminded of my past.

or maybe my abusive days too... when my head was crashed onto the floor by someone close to me. when i had to be sent to a clinic because i was about to lose my consciousness at that time. when i was beaten till i bled, but i'm good at concealing what's inside (only if i think it's necessary to do so). anyway, i'm traumatized by that very incident. i'm still slightly afraid of that person.

or perhaps my happy times. when Apple Danish became my priority. when Abang Hatta and Abang Mokhtar were our advisors haha. when my skills develop rapidly. when i didn't care of exam result. i'm rusty now, i'm sure.

i'm sleepy now too, so, i'm taking a break. bed time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

the way the mind works never failed to amaze me

guess what... today Bobudji asked me whether i'm from all-girl school or not. *pu pu pu* let's combine all the rumours about my old days:
- i was a head prefect
- i was in some convent school
- i'm from an all-girl school
- i'm a very nerdy type of person
- i'm involved in black metal scene

so, that might make me a black metal head prefect nerd from an all-girl convent school. hm... i wonder if such human ever existed on earth o_O

just had a weird conversation with band people which were a LOT about politics- a topic i despise the most, i might say. i'm glad to be out of all of these political mumbo jumbo samba marimba stuff whether it's at state level or even university level. it's ironic... i used to have the intention to see how exactly is a politician's life in university or maybe in secondary school. now that i was actually given such opportunity, i failed to feel impressed. i guess everybody's mind works differently.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

and my inner self sighed again

today feels so free!! ~_~ and the weather is perfect too, it's cloudy but not rainy and it's very breezy~ i feel like living in Genting ~_~ perasan gila dodol!!!!

oh anyway, this is a yesterday thing... something happened again. a quite similar incident that occured a few weeks ago and yet again, i'm bothered by it. why, why? i wonder what's the reason behind it.

lately, have been extra sensitive too, which in my opinion, is not a good thing. see, the more attached you are to a person, the more sensitive you'll be towards he/she. be it friends, family, etc. in my case, it always end up with me hurting that very person, whoever he/she might be.

oh, kuruma is coming, hopefully in 2-3 weeks. can't wait!! but oil price is so high right now i could shoot myself! not to mention another rise in oil price this August. currently, daily spendings have increased about 25-30%. wait till it rises to 50%... and the scholarship stays the same. great.

Monday, July 21, 2008

my mistake then

i guess i should stick to my old principle- never put full trust in anybody. it's enough just knowing they can do it the other way round if it's on me. i don't want to sigh. today, i couldn't get my daily dose of guitar distortion from a fellow band pal (it's a band just for one performance) and myself, lol, so, things seem a lot tougher today.

pulls the trigger *poof* and there goes another too kind part of Zahirah. away for good.

have balls!!! yeah hahaha

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

hypothalamus disturbed

down week?

i'm getting more and more exhausted by day. i refuse to be called 'Superwoman'. all these jobs are wearing me out, RAPIDLY.

the preparation for Malam IIP performance has confirmed the fact that i'm too rusty to be involved in music once again. macam... hellooo, 1 jam lebih main gitar pun dah pancit. thank God the guys made the session fun and the pain didn't feel so intense.

finally, i'm immunocompromised. i was wondering when will all those late night surfing, overworking myself, meals negligence, and lack of recreation take their toll. they certainly are claiming it now. my tonsils are swelling and my temperature is rising. thermostat is being reset by hypothalamus. all of them can be summarized into one word - D E M A M.

anyway, the car is coming~ i hope i can control myself in the future. better get a grip, Zahirah!!!

today, i'm positive that i found that thing, but what if i lose it again? or maybe i never actually found it in the first place? all in my head perhaps?

i'm too tired to continue. later.

Monday, July 14, 2008

only God knows

we call it Healthy Lifestyle. yeah... and so i think. well, at least they are cute... and so i think.

today, i missed a lecture and almost missed the PBL after waking up at 11.54AM!!! felt pissed off and embarrassed. therefore, i made a promise to myself to sleep before 1.00AM today. a promise which i just broke exactly 56minutes before. let's add 'buy 5 alarm clocks' to my Hopeful List.

everybody always has their own excuse for almost everything and so do i. i went to fetch my lil' bro, Ahmad, just now at the airport. tagged Ah Beh and Foo along. next, all of us had our dinner (or maybe supper) at McD. then, i dropped Ah Beh and Foo. after that, i dropped Ahmad at his house in Pengkalan Chepa. then... I GOT LOST. :D :D :D just as i expected. i even refilled the rental car RM10 of fuel since i anticipated such thing to happen and YES! it happened! i feel like Nujum Pak Belalang now. i ended up being on the road for a whole painful 30 minutes and thank God, here i am- safe and sound in my room. Foo had it right to worry about me driving alone. i have poor sense of direction. help me. argh.

i also broke yet another promise i made to myself today - to live a healthy diet. i ate Filet-O-Fish McValue Meal today T_T can somebody slap the sense out of me?? i don't know what the heck is wrong with me today. maybe because i overslept. mamai lah katakan.

Ah Beh said my English is bombastic... that somehow doesn't feel like a compliment to me (because it sounds similar to 'pakai ayat POM POM', geddit?) and i ran through my old posts just to find the evidence of Ah Beh's ridiculous statement. yes, i win. i couldn't find any... unless if any if you can find it... and some of them have been calling me Superwoman. if only they can see the real me. ok, i need to do some laundries and my eyes are already heavy.

Friday, July 11, 2008

wonderful events and hundreds of excuses

yay~ i forgot to put my order for the medical books. now i'll have to go back to Subang just to buy books at Kamal Bookstore near UM.

yay again~ my guitar string detached~ come, come, let's suck another RM50 from z yang sedang miskin.

i've been very very very busy lately. i've been oversleeping as well. i've been waking up late too. i've been spending my handphone credit as if i'm Richie Rich. quality of life is deteriorating rapidly. surprisingly, i always have the time for blogging.

well, i'm about to put a few things in this list of 'Why I Don't Really Make a Good Leader'.
1. i nag and talk crap a lot.

2. i rarely dress up properly for class. i wear tshirt almost all the time.

3. i'm not really alert since i stick the earphones in my ears 24/7.

4. i always tend to be a one-man team sort of person.

5. i got bad temper.

6. i get suspicious very easily.

7. i sleep a lot.

8. i'm a computer games addict.

9. i can count using my fingers on the number of times i've been punctual in my whole life.

10. i tend to forget things easily.

11. i like to complain although some things don't really bother me much. i think this equals to talk crap a lot.

12. i'm quite sensitive at times.

13. i get annoyed very easily when i think someone is not competent enough and that very person nags at me.

okay, now i have to change those habits. ganbatte, Z!!!!

ho yeah, i forgot... the photos taken at Pulau Perhentian. here you go ^_^

at a fisherman village where the boss of the travel agency treated us lunch. yay!!

about to go for snorkeling, on a speedboat. enjoyed the ride so much!!

snorkelling!! seriously, Pulau Perhentian has beauuuuuutiful coral reef!! i wanted to dive without life jacket, but guess what... didn't have the balls to. if only the water was as calm as that in swimming pool... LOL!

the dentist-to-be ladies *hopefully*

kawaii chinese ladies hoho

i think it's true that guys are on the verge of extinction

the boys doing the 'Superwoman' thing. it's supposed to refer to me... but... what the... uh... okay

last day in Pulau Perhentian :')

it was worth the effort, really! everybody and everything were great. i couldn't ask for more T_T

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

anak tiri

i personally find blogging beats profile networking.

hari ni, dentalmates dan aku officially di'anak tiri'kan oleh Medical School. hati rasa bagai ditusuk berkali-kali dan akhirnya pisau itu dicabut dan lukanya dibiarkan terbuka. you're going to pay for this, mark my words. i'll never let any of my people from getting hurt now that they've got me as their leader. they should've known earlier that i'm a person of action rather than all talks.

i should take a chill pill.

by the way, scholarship's not in yet and the books are already here for us to buy. they sure don't come cheap -_-"

Sunday, July 6, 2008

what a great start

what a cheesy smile LOL

it's only the first day in medical chapter and there i was, already stirring some trouble -_-"

what happened? well, i was in front of the lecture hall, about to give some IMPORTANT announcements to all dental students and it was hot (air-cond went down) and noisy. so i said something like, "Assalamu'alaikum dan selamat tengah hari, bladdah, bladdah, harap beri perhatian dan tolong senyap sikit", n response was bad, and i went, "err, boleh diam kejap je, 5 minit, 10 minit je". then, everybody settled down a little bit. next, some medical students entered the hall and it went very noisy again. honestly, i couldn't even hear my own voice at that time despite the fact that i was talking through the microphone. a few minutes later, all i know, i was hearing myself saying, "uhh, tolong senyap sikit, boleh tak?? bisinglah, bising!"........................................... Zahirah meletup lagi. maka, tidak dapat disangkal lagi bahawa beliau patut mengambil kelas menguruskan kemarahan. now i feel like shooting myself.

i wonder what kind of first impression i gave them as the year 2 leader of dental students. let's add some more names to anti-Zahirah list.

let's change the topic to Pulau Perhentian instead. summary is... IT WAS A BLAST!!!!! i'll save the story for next post alrighty! pending for pictures from the others.

now i'm worrying about my exam results -_-" really worried and after this, have a meeting with some Convex people... gila malas -_-" it's too early, dood, too early.

anyway, my heart has been quite restless recently. i wonder why. macam ada something happened, but i'm not sure what -_-" again, i'm in confusion.

oh yeah, today, i officially changed my lifestyle to a healthier one. i really need to shed some fat off. currently, i'm the heaviest among family members!!! i even beat Ayah, but it's a no surprise since Ayah never stopped being so health-conscious since forever. setiap hari pun mau pergi gym punya. used to lose to Along, but he shed away 20kg after setting his goal to be a diplomat. actually... frankly... truthfully, i don't want to end up with being a nenek with diabetes, heart problems, etc. i want to die with glory AH CHEY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! cannot tahan already!! haha~ ok bai~

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

kuey krai

i am eating kuey teow goreng and i'm crying in the same time. i am extremely exhausted today. i want to talk to somebody out there, but i'm hesitating. what if that person doesn't understand?

"seek to understand than to be understood"

i read it on one of the walls of my hostel and i've been holding to that principle ever since, but now i'm not sure about it anymore. i already sought to understand more than i asked to be understood.

i am a human

i want everybody to understand that, but not just on the superficial. i want everybody to comprehend that i too, need laughter when i'm sad. i need tears to comfort myself. i need love to feel secured. i need not hate. i need friends to hold my hands through everything. i need family to accompany me especially with their prayers when i enter the afterworld. i need encouragement when i feel like everything's falling apart. i need someone to support me when my knees feel weak. i need God, the One and . i need people to understand me. i need faith. i need trust. i need everything that a human needs. i need rest.

i am being ungrateful, am i not?