Sunday, December 28, 2008

penat... aku penat.




hols this time lasts for almost 2 weeks, but i hung out with them around thrice only. however, i'm still grateful that all of us got together this time... except for Tra :( hopefully she had fun in Shanghai. Anith nit nit said Tra's mad that i didn't mention missing her. gosh, of all the Stucks, the last people i should expect to see are always Tra and Fana, therefore, i miss them the most.






gah... last week was rough on me (this explains my emo post for today). a new week is starting. i wish the tables will be turned soon. i'm so exhausted both mentally and physically. i'm starting to give up on the 'home sweet home' saying, and you know very well that i'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. patience is running out... rapidly. old impulse macam making its way back. that'll be bad :( 3rd week of December was great though. well, a lesson i had learned this time is... don't accept all invitation next time. reject a few that you know would most probably burden your mind more than it eases. i've got to learn saying, "No", and that'd better be fast.


aku penatlah macam ni! ARGHHH!! TEKANAN! TEKANAN!!


as weird as it may seem, talking about nerdy stuff eases my mind a bit.


SO! i just found out that the Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming (extending to Idaho and Montana), United States, holds 2 active supervolcanos overlapping each other. "So, what's the big deal?", you may ask me.

supervolcanos are known for its destructive abilities which are in many ways are greater and more terrible than normal volcanos. what makes these supervolcanos which Yellowstone National Park holds more dangerous is that they contain magma that is rich in sulfur. this means, if they were to erupt, it'd generate an extremely super uber huge explosion. the opposite might occur though, if the magma is rich in basalt instead. explosion of supervolcanos such as that of Lake Toba, Sumatra, had been thought to cause the Millenial Ice Age ~75000 years ago which lasted for almost 1000 years and wiped out about 60% human population, Wallahua'lam.


according to geological findings, a supervolcano in Yellowstone had indeed erupted about 640000 years ago, producing caldera that is so huge that you can't see its complete outline even from a helicopter. caldera is sort of elevated rim surrounding an already erupted volcano. it is produced due to rapid emptying of magma chamber which causes the overlying earth to collapse into the empty space. the thing about the magma chamber of supervolcanos is it is not the usual cone shaped magma chamber you usually see in normal volcanos, but for supervolcanos, they have hemisphere magma chamber which serves larger surface area to channel the lava out.


what alarmed some people was a report saying that there is gradual increase in the height of land overlying the supervolcanos of Yellowstone, which is among the signs of increasing volcanic activities. no worries, though, since experts assured the public that there is no increased risk of volcanic eruption in the NEAR FUTURE. near, they said? how bout far? paranoid gila aku.


but well possibilty is always there, isn't it? salji di Malaysia...?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

bandar ada sejarah?



Written at 1.31am, 26th December 2008

It’s a post written from Pengkalan Balak beach, Malacca, this time. I am extremely sleepy right now. Nevertheless, I’ll try to finish this post in an hour.

So, a friend, Mr. Ariff mentioned that my blog posts are always about happy stuff. Gosh, truth is, I’m not in any way as brave as you are to write too much about myself, worrying my weak points will be exposed if I do so. There were a few disappointing incidents occurred yesterday. It came to a point where I’m starting to seriously think of the significance of my existence to others. Giving and giving and giving is rapidly wearing me out. Of course, there had been a few times I had the thought of wanting something in return. I’m sure God has not left me unwatched or misjudged… but I feel so worn out lately. Something is eating me slowly, mentally.

There is indeed one thing that had been disturbing my mind since a few months ago. That thing makes one of the factors I couldn’t break my high score record in Speed Chuzzle of Chuzzle Deluxe game, therefore, I’m currently stuck at 185385. That sounds stupid, I know, lol. When will this be solved? When will ‘I’ solve it?


p/s: i just found out that Eye On Malaysia, that ferris wheel was transfered to Malacca. i wonder why...

p/s 2: here you go, a picture taken from the resort where i was staying in. i'd highly recommend this resort if you are looking for a place to stay in Langkawi. they even have man-made lakes with lotus located at the center of the resort and small bridges crossing it. beautiful, really!



Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mahsuri?

6.00pm, 23th December 2008

So, here I am, writing from the lobby in Pelangi Beach Resort, Langkawi, while waiting for Umi’s meeting to end. Since the internet here is ridiculously expensive – RM24/hour, I had to save and keep this post in my laptop first before being able to post it in the blog... and I’m wondering the reason the 5 stars Renaissance hotel charges RM12/hour and this resort which is rated equally charges twice that price. Gila la… aku bukannya pengecap duit kot.

The island hasn’t changed much since my last visit here which was about 5-6 years ago. I’m quite sure you had heard of the curse of Mahsuri. Legend says that Mahsuri cursed Langkawi island to sort of ‘die’ for as long as 7 generations after being accused for a crime she did not commit. According to the media, the 7th generation of Mahsuri’s descendant was already born, but… I fail to notice much improvement going on here apart from newly widened roads.

I’m trying to weave the best words to tell Umi that I was fined for parking without buying a parking coupon. Hampeh sungguh! Ingatkan dah tak wujud sistem kupon letak kereta kah kah kah :P Okay, dah borong coklat nak bawa balik Kelantan. Esok bersedia cari luggage bag dan semalam ternampak ada satu tote macam lawa, tapi macam tak berapa reti beli benda macam ni. Takpa, let this be the first time!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

hidup kembali

lately, i've been noticing myself thinking more than i normally do. some jokes are starting to lose their effects on me. therefore, i've been giving out fake laughters for the sake of being courteous.


my words are starting to sound like those belonging to geeks. i think it's safe to call myself a geek now. i don't mind that anyway. just look at me. i'm watching a tv programme on Discovery channel about choosing the best green-concept waste disposal method among four of them. while the narrator made 'Plasma condensation of waste' method sound perfect, all i could think about was, "Breaking down the waste using heat with a higher temperature than the sun would mean releasing free radicals. it ain't good for human. that might cause disruption on our cell membrane and direct damage on cell contents. for the operators... persistent injury on their cells might cause them to get cancer. their gene might be mutated too. cancer again. how about safety at the workplace? what if the containers leaked? gosh, that may release so much of heat. heat? oh, heat means more conversion of usable energy to unuseful ones. eh, entropy is increased! what a waste... yaddah yaddah...". gosh, since when did this start? marvelously, i can still think this while watching a physicist, Prof. Dan Kammen, giving his comments on the method, "Hey, one young and good looking man for a professor, lol. lucky wife. haha". what the... okay, i'm still normal.


oh, well, i decided not to resume the previous post. momentum is not there already :P


woh... getting to relax at home - where i get to enjoy clean toilet, neat bedroom, washing machine tak ganas, cozy living rooms, play with Danish and Tommy, etc., feels soooo good. i think i should start going home more. at the current rate, it'd mean going home only about 4times per year, with almost each holiday lasting less than 10days. with that, i might end up with manic depression. don't get me wrong. Kelantan is nice. beaches are easily accessible, food is everywhere, the billboards are very decent, and it's easy to find a musolla. nevertheless, it consumes a lot of time to adapt with the rude and ignorant drivers, hot tempered citizens, poor service at places that are not supposed to be, absence of several clothing lines i've made myself loyal to (lol), TRAFFIC JAMS (emphasizing on this), NUMEROUS TRAFFIC LIGHTS (emphasizing this too), absence of fly-overs which Kelantan needs so badly (just my opinion though), and the list goes on and on. Mel's father even told me that he is not planning to visit the state again after the things he experienced during his stay there. nevertheless, i highly respect one of the stands of the state government of Kelantan which is to avoid being in debt, hence, explaining absence of fly-overs and eye-capturing monuments. i can bear that... as long as i get to go home once in awhile -_- apa punya ayat diplomatik. apa-apa pun, aku percaya kalau orang Kelantan boleh letak ketepi ego mereka, mereka pasti boleh berubah, but let the good habits stay i.e. usage of Jawi writing sytem throughout the state. it gives out a different aura.


p/s: ah, hey, Prof. Dan Kammen had just critisized the 'Plasma condensation of waste' method to consume too much of energy and he's not sure what good will actually come out from such method. that coincides with my opinion. hey hey hey (rising my eyebrows a few times). action kamen! ARGH!!! NERDNYA AKU!!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

arrived safe and sound

written on 19th December 2008

hey, i answered the same thing to Adrian's message which was something about telling me to message him if i had arrived at my room and to drive carefully and safely :) dude is one very caring person. i wonder how are Ren Ming and him... heh heh~


it's just the same as that day... i had arrived home... safe and sound. one step out of the airport exit and a scream, "PEAH!!!", startled me like heaven! it was Mel, shouting from Anith's car. how happy i was to see their face and even that Rio that had been our transportation to here and there since we were... form 5? we'll be heading to Ikea today :D apa yang menarik sangat sana pun tak tahulah. kali terakhir pergi macam... dah berabad lamanya sebelum zaman kesultanan Melayu Jawa kot.


written on 20th December 2008, 3.00 a.m

ok, i forgot to finish yesterday's post, so, i'll finish it today :P but hold on! i'm too sleepy already and have an appointment with Dr Roslan in 6 hours. so, i'll resume writing this in 10 hours :P

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

still...?

i have these 2 friends, with whom i used to enjoy spending some of my time with. i wish i wouldn't need to replace that have with had :(


for some reasons, all those hullos, middle fingers, and tacky messages had stopped showing themselves. exam's almost over and we'll be having ample leisure time soon... i wonder if i can do one of my all-time favourites with one of them along with another too-kind-to-be-true buddy? i wonder what's the reason that's making him all sour now? -_-" there's even this one day when i waved at someone sitting beside him. looking at me, suddenly, the smile on his face slowly turned to frown. did i do anything wrong? even if i did... i thought guys are more easy going than ladies. now, who's going to answer my message 3 o'clock in the morning, asking for stupid things? aku tak rasa aku ada termencarut atau cakap buruk pasal orang tu. beritahu aku mengapa?


the thing with another one of them is... i got a silly message to which i gave a harsh yet so 'Zahirah-ish' reply, and things got gloomy after that. i should've replied with something more feminine... but that's not me. i don't write 'mesej gatal'. i don't enjoy attention much since attention always mean getting to be the topic of badmouthing among... be it ladies or guys, but those things that i like to do seem to be things that tend to attract others' attention. so, should i restrain myself from those things? some said, "i don't care what others say". gosh, be true to yourself. sometimes, you do get hurt by those ugly stuff they say and think about you. if you really don't care about the things others say, then, you won't be wearing clothes in public. you might as well run naked in the streets. nevertheless, this friendship still means a lot to me although i might not seem like it.


losing friends doesn't feel good :'( i have trust issues but it's still possible for me to give my small and almost worthless faith to a few people. for that faith to be crushed into pieces... that's too hurtful. perhaps i had been too insensitive. i think so. i think so... i think so... i really think so. tak gembira.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i'd like to play violin -_-


only 2 more days, Zahirah. patience! patience!


blargh~ since the medical and dental schools curriculum is not orientated to semester system, our hols don't coincide much with other universities, so i won't get to spend much time with them Subang friends this hols :( but at least there are still a few days for me to do so. it's okay i guess.


hm, worry, worry, worry... my veins appear dilated more frequently than before. it's so obvious that i can see the branches that are draining blood from my fingers and palm -_-" usually, it's accompanied by cold extremeties too. my hands felt weak a few times already. i wonder if i'm having any health problem. my medical history... let's see... such incident had occured before. about 2 months ago, during which my nail beds appeared purplish. my tonsils enlarge relatively easily. about once every 1-2 years. i get fever quite easily too. i have sensitive gastrointestinal tract. i have eczema. i rarely take painkillers or any medication, but i did take a stack of paracetamol pills about 7 years ago, but that's history, and no side effects were noted apart from drowsiness (but i guess i was drowsy because it was 3.00 a.m in the morning -_-" sleepy might describe it better). i wonder if the side effect is settling in now... can't be. 7 years already woi. just recently, i noticed a white nodular lesion on my left tonsil which worries me too. there's also white fibrotic tissue on my buccal mucosa most probably due to persistent injury caused by free ends of my braces wire. takda masa sungguh nak jumpa doctor. mungkin balik nanti boleh jumpa Dr. Jeya. hm...

Monday, December 15, 2008

hm? -_-"

sometimes it'd help to get advices from someone outside of this field of study i'm so deeply immersed in. it gets annoying when you tell out your insecurities to someone and getting response that denies them. it gets annoying when people keep pushing you, thinking that you can always move forward without a rest. it gets annoying when people around you assume that you can always do anything regardless of the circumstances. it gets annoying when someone starts to treat you as if you're a robot. a problem free robot, operating only for the good of others but itself. even robots have problems to be dealt with such as getting rusty. and yet... an article came out about the mental health of doctors - a large number of doctors are either psychotic or neurotic. Mr. Government, you should really start treating medical and dental students as human too.


talking about dental students... i'm in a dilemma. how am i supposed to keep my spirits and enthusiasm alive when i have to face the fact that most of these things i'm currently learning will become obsolete in my brain, without being used much for beneficial purposes in the future? Mr. Dean, please have a better look on us :( selepas menghafal bagai nak rak nota berjengkal-jengkal... despite the explanations given by the Dental School, you know very well that we're not satisfied with them, don't you? gosh, how many times have a lecturer asked me whether am i a medical student? having to answer, "Tak, saya pelajar dental", always seem to disappoint them. we're studying medicine just the way our medical counterparts do and even had to strive harder in order to juggle between that and grasping dentistry itself, and yet, the mentality of the society still hasn't matured much. i remember attending a dinner with Umi's colleagues and i do remember restraining myself so much from giving a person a good punch at his face after listening to his very prejudice thoughts on dentistry too.


3 terbakar argh!

>.<

AAAAAAA!!! JANTUNG AKU MACAM NAK MELETUP GILA BERDEBAR WAH SAI WA TAK TAU NAK CAKAP APA DAH!!!!!!!! KOW MEY AAAAAAA

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Encik Bulan, kau di mana?

Encik Bulan pada 2 hari yang lepas seolah-olah cuba memberi aku semangat untuk ujian Selanjar 1 Perubatan kali ni. Even Umi had called me several times this week, everytime it'd be about updates on the vacations she and Ayah had planned, but I understand her very well... she was just trying to comfort my lately unstable mood. Although Ayah rarely calls me himself, I can always hear him yelling at the back about a few things to be passed to me while Umi and I were on the phone. What for sure, everytime she calls me, regardless of the time... whether it's today, yesterday, or tomorrow... she'll always make my lacrimal glands and accessory glands to start working =_='



When things such as pre-examination syndrome start haunts you, you tend to notice and get annoyed for petty things such as the fact that the room is so crowded and small, lighting is too bright, heat, hunger, feet are cold and dry, and etc. To summarize all of that - you get easily annoyed and emotional too.


Sitting by the window, I could feel the cold breeze outside. How much I want to just laze around with Subang friends. Although quite a number of them had moved out of Subang, I'll always consider them my Subang friends. I miss them :'( Those pictures taken at PD are so beautiful. How much I want to produce such pictures again. But I'm sure... this hardship I'm facing has reasons for it. Well, at least now, going home felt way more exciting than before! Tapi, bila memandang nota 2 jengkal ini... Insya Allah!! Kau boleh buat, Zahirah!! Kamu semua boleh buat!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

happy eid ul adha!

written on 11th December 2008, resumed on 12th December 2008

Raya Haji kembali lagi :D This marks my first time of celebrating Raya Haji in Kelantan. Though it was undeniably sad to be away from family during the celebration, I got to gain beautiful experiences from it. Meriahnya Raya Haji di Kelantan sampaikan kadang kala malu apabila mengingat kembali Subang Jaya yang semakin hilang identiti. Raya Haji in Subang would just be a day at which everybody gets to take a leaf and do ordinary things they do during other holidays.



For an instance, this chick came to greet us as we arrived at Nafsiyah's house. I've been wanting to hold a chick, but hesitated on doing so, fearing its mother would peck me :P banyak gila ayam dia kot, sampai nak dekat 60 (according to Nafsiyah's mother)... And I finally got to meet her many younger brothers and sisters. I remember Nafsiyah telling me whenever she's in a hurry to get back to the university, her siblings would assist her and pack the bag up for her. Gila chumil dan best!!!




that chick is one very small chick. hasn't even grown a feather yet ^_^




as dusk arrived...


... Again, all of us were stuck in a traffic jam -_-" Seriously, Kelantan needs fly-overs BADLY! No offence, but there are so many bad drivers here in Kelantan. Getting stucked in the traffic jam would only make them turn into unconsiderate monsters and I'll start to splutter my usual complaints, "Patah ke jari kalau tekan lever signal tu" and ,"What the... sekolah memandu manalah yang bagi diorang lesen ni -_-"". Lately, I've been having trouble with controlling my temper... Which means, I'm having trouble with restraining myself from cussing too.


Jijah and I went to our dental technologist, Kak Fiza's house too. Twice. Keh keh keh. 2 hari jimat duit tak beli makanan. Tapi sebelum tu, duit dah pakai untuk bayar duit minyak juga. Therefore, not much difference was made. Baik sungguh Kak Fiza dan keluarga T_T Rasa sangat sangat sangat bersyukur dapat mengenali mereka T_T

Sunday, December 7, 2008

jijah jones yaddi yaddi yaddah!

Selamat hari jadi, Nur Azizah Abdul Hadi :D

thank you for being so patient during all those 'makan lambat nak mamfus', 'pegi kuliyah lambat nak mamfus', 'take a chill pill', and for so much more that i couldn't state here. Happy burfday, mate!


i made her sumthing here untuk mengisi masa lapang keh keh keh! boleh juga melawat page Jijah Jones



Saturday, December 6, 2008

before forgetting...

i'm about to sleep now. the rain had just stopped and eyelids are about to stop holding themselves up too. so, before i forget...


yesterday morning, i had a beautiful dream :) a more wonderful one than my previous numerous flying dreams. it felt so real and i could still feel the pressure on my arms as if they were really there. i could still remember the surroundings i saw in my dream. i could still recall the sound of rushed footsteps trailing my back.


nevertheless, i felt my head and heart, both throbbing as i recalled those faces. it's impossible. almost impossible. i shall keep that in my mind.


one contact made so briefly as we were to exchange a property. a property that's never been ours. left traces in ones life for so long yet so meaningless to be thought of.

Friday, December 5, 2008

a post you wouldn't want to read lol

i was tagged by Hazwan and i'm trying to be courteous now :P kamu yang aku tagged sila jawab orait.


QA #1

1. What’s your ambition?
To become a good dentist and person succeeding in life and afterlife.


2. Who is more important to you? Girlfriends or friends?
I'm not a lesbian, that, i can tell you. so, the latter is my choice.


3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Hm... there were a few times when i was in secondary school and attempted suicide with a stack of Panadol pills and some other things, but thank God, apart from drowsiness, nothing had happened. i'm matured enough now though.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
I don't think so. there were several occasions i didn't feel like i'm confident enough. if i say i do, then i might be an over-confident person and that'd be bad :P


5. How many babies do you want?
4 would be nice, just like my siblings. besides, i like number 4. this might sound silly but, i have 4 siblings including me. each of us are 4 years apart. the number of my house is 44. the last 2 numbers of our birth year can always be divided with number 4.


6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Do you believe in seeing water pouring out from a cup if you were to turn the cup upside down?


7. What is your goal for this year?
To be a better person, d'uh.


8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yes, for God.


9. What’s is your favorite television series?
Apart from Mythbuster and House... i don't watch television much.


10. What are you really afraid of?
God and to die in God's wrath.


11.What is your bad habits?
Uncontrolled drawing, playing games & laptop, bla bla bla...


12. Is there anything you wanna tell to the people who hates you?
Why should i even bother doing so?


13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Kau tanya soalan yang common sense lah jawapan dia 'ya'.


14. What does flying means to you?
To be suspended in the air or imagination or to be in a higher place than before.

15. What do you crave for the most currently?
I've just had my lunch, so, nafsu dah takda sangat.

16. Most unexpected gift you received so far and when?
To be sent to earth, to have great family and friends, to get so many blessings from God.

17. Describe the person who tagged you in 5 words:
Wan pro yang konon bagus, perempuan, syok sendiri, haha. jk jk jk! take a chill pill, Wan!

18. What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
Honestly? play Chuzzle Deluxe and win the top score. there are some other things i'd do to achieve happiness, but if i stated all of them, you might think of me as "masuk bakul angkat sendiri" hahaha.

19. What will you become in another 10 years to come?
A dentist, hopefully, insya Allah, specializing in Oral Maxillofacial Surgery or Orthodontics... or maybe a dentist with both dental and medical degrees. a better and more matured person. hopefully to have a family of my own haha. common sense.

20. What have you achieved in life lately to make it better?
For a start, i'm no longer suicidal, rebellious (towards my parents), ignorant (i think so). i'm out of Subang hoh! that makes a big difference! i'm starting to be thankful for this life with full of surprises that God gave me.

QA #2.
Rule 1 -People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule 2 -Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tag by continuing this game by sending it to other people.

1. Do you have secrets?
I'll pass this question and i'm too lazy to follow the rules. Next!

2. Would you fall in love with a guy younger than you?
Younger guys turn me off. lol. same age or elder is better i guess. besides, guys mature later than ladies... right?

3. Do you enjoy going to college?
Freedom and independence. Who doesn't?

4. what will you do if you have million dolars?
To finally buy a Triton or any fine pick up truck or SUV and spend some of the rest for humanity causes stuff.

5. Will you fall in love with your friend?
Isn't that usually the start of a relationship? -_-"

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I'll give a ratio of 1:2

7. List 5 current favourite songs
Zoe Jane by Staind, Niji by Aqua Timez, Al-I'tirof by Haddad Alwi, Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling, Great Romances of 20th Century by Taking Back Sunday. p/s: most of them are old songs that i've been repeating all of the time.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Too bad, but i'll stick with doing so anyway.

9. Would you be the person that you are if you were to be reborn?
Yesterday makes today's Zahirah and i'm fine with that.

10. What do you want the most at the moment?
To talk to Ayah.

11. What kind of person do you think the person that tagged you is?
Ey, berapa kali nak tanya soalan ni??

12. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Life has more surprises than those 2 options.

13. What is your favourite color?
Blue.

14. Would you give all in for a relationship?
Nope. I'd always reserve a place for God although i don't seem much like it. Besides, everybody has his/her own price and to give everything in is just pure silliness.

15. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, which one would you choose?
The better one lah, d'uh!! Apa soalan ni woi! Or maybe the one that has the qualities my father has.

16. What are the top 5 bands that you listen to or love?
All time favourite or current? if all time, then i'll choose Guns n Roses, Dir en Grey, Glay, Raihan, and Staind.

17. Name 3 things you would like to do but would never be able to.
I'm not sure what might happen in the future, but these are some things I've been wanting to do - to be a chef, professional guitarist, and architect.

18. 5 people I have tagged.
Hannah Marzuki, Syed Zahid, Fahzahida, Farhanah Zulkefle, Rauf.

it's been awhile...

... since a song touched me. that sounds cheesy, i know, but i can't help it ~_~


i've never posted a complete lyric in my blog, so, this makes my first. the culprit is Zoe Jane by Staind. the song was made to honour Aaron Lewis's (vocalist of Staind) daughter, Zoe Jane.


Well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound
i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things that this life has in store for you
i'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter
when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone
sweet zoe jane
so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been
"i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for"


the 3rd stanza seemed like it was telling a story about Ayah when i was in primary school. at that time, Ayah was sent to Bosnia Herzegovina somwhere at the end of right after the Bosnian War for nearly a year. frankly, i was ecstatic about it albeit having my father going somewhere so far away. reason was 'takde orang nak control hidup aku haha', until one day (long after Ayah came back) Umi told me that when we were bidding Ayah goodbye at the airport, Ayah was actually about to cry while all of us, siblings, were acting like nothing much were about to happen. according to Umi, it has always been like that. Ayah is a family man, undoubtedly. being a chronic smoker, he threw away his cigarettes when Umi was having Along, the eldest among my siblings. he even secretly refused Daddy's (uncle, husband to Mummy) cigars from South Africa.


"i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things that this life has in store for you"


Ayah had always been a strict father... an extremely strict one. the 'rotan' and lots more did make their visit on my skin. nevertheless, i'm sure that his intention was to protect me. some people said, "Gilalahh, aku takkan buat macam tu dekat anak aku". now, i think i'll reply with, "Kalau anak kau degil macam aku, mahunya kau halau anak kau terus dari rumah". i was stubborn and rebellious. he didn't let me out easily and i used to understand that as 'saja mengongkong'. he have been telling me, "Dah besar nanti jangan cari kerja yang tak tentu halal haramnya", and listed some examples that i hold on as guidance till today. he taught me quite well on religious stuff, but i rebelled. i honestly think i had 'menconteng arang ke muka'. gosh, i used to skip prayers so frequently and lied to him when he asked. Astaghfirullah... :'( i have secrets that only Ayah knows and it stays between him and i. a few are just silly ones and others are 'perception-threatening'.


"so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been"


except for this stanza, the rest is quite related to Ayah and i. he told us about his past. about how he struggled during his childhood. about how small his old house had been. a small, obsolete house with one room. how he rarely gets his allowance and most of the time, he got rewarded for answering questions that most of his childhood friends couldn't answer. according to him, he's quite intelligent (keh keh keh). how he grew up, getting accepted into university which was a very rare chance during his time. how he entered the ministry and climbed up while still holding to his honest principles.


being me, i'm not used to affectionate gestures since i was always treated like a son. one day, while walking, Ayah held my hands and i tried to break free because i was uncomfortable, but he kept his grasp firm till today, and i'm used to it already. Umi and Ayah might be the only people i'm comfortable to do such things with so far. they are indeed my parents although they joked about, "Masa Umi lahirkan anak dulu, ada Indian lady lahirkan anak juga. Agaknya tertukar dengan baby dengan Ira masa kat tempat kumpul bayi. tu yang muka lain sikit".


i wish i could be someone like him... or someone better.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

it's just another cloudy cloudy cloudy day~

being extremely busy, i had lost track of the time... again. i thought today is 1st of december. ~_~


well... have you heard of pre-examination syndrome? perhaps the answer is "No", but i'm sure most of you had experienced it and to second year medical and dental students, this might be the exact thing they are currently experiencing. all the best to you guys and myself. i refuse to say "Good luck" because somehow, saying so gives an impression of 'you didn't study enough, so, now you'll have to depend on your luck', get me? oh well, maybe i'm just thinking too much, just as Ayah had critisized me (dengan membina okay). anyhoo, pray for me, makasih, makasih.


'tengkujuh' is now frequently becoming talk of the day... or perhaps blog post of the day -_- it rains more than 12 hours nowadays, giving out an aura of gloom, inducing sleepiness and laziness in residents of Pantai Timur (of course people of USM Kubang Kerian are not excluded). ironically, cloudy days makes me happier more than sunny days do. okay, let me try to figure out how my mind works. maybe it's because everything stands out, showing off its own beauty in such weather, not being outshone by intense sunlight. even the grass looks lusher than it does during sunny days and most importantly, it's chilly and windy~ perhaps i can finally fly my 'katak' kite :D hopefully without getting shot by lightning. i guess those make the reason my preference for winter over summer :P but, like the Philippines say (according to Umi)... "we have all year summer here" heh heh heh. the nearest thing to winter here is... monsoon season. one extremely WET and SNOWLESS winter hahaha.


change of subject


before i forget... let me record yet another priceless experience i gained during my bachelor degree in dentistry.


as usual, we had clinical teaching yesterday. this time it was conducted at Red Zone, Accident & Emergency department. to our surprise, Dr. Ramdan replaced Dr. Tuan Hairulnizam for this time. seeing him alone surprised me as i thought he was a paediatrician since i once saw a stethoscope with a koala bear clip hanging from his neck. since then, i had been labelling him as the cute paediatrician and frequently bumped into him. it turned out he's in Accident & Emergency department. oh oh oh. tapi dia tetap chumil in his own way haha... tetapi agak serius juga (x_x)


we had a patient with a haemolytic anemia disease which was thalassaemia as our subject for that day. thank God, i was given the chance to do physical examination on her. just getting to palpate the lower edge of a normal liver already made me so excited, what more if i were to palpate an enlarged liver, or hepatomegaly in Greek. her liver was so enlarged that it reached right iliac fossa (about the same level as the groin or slightly above it. normal liver is supposed to be just near the last rib) on deep inspiration, Subhanallah! that's almost 6-8 finger breadths of enlargement! the liver was very hard in consistency too due to deposition of abnormally high amount of iron resulting from intense hemolysis. i even got to palpate her left lobe and mapped the lower edge of her liver. i was expecting to palpate an enlarged spleen as well, since it's a thalassaemia case, but failed to do so. according to the chumil doctor, she had a complete splenectomy. sad, but glad. sad because i missed the chance to palpate a splenomegaly, glad because at least she was treated previously for her disease, therefore, her case is not a neglected case.


there, another experience i will never forget insya Allah... if i don't get Alzheimer or amnesia hoh!