Wednesday, December 30, 2009

it's

It's that sincere smile. It's that honest care. It's that frank embrace. It's that unconditional company.


I've found my true friends. I am finally sure they are the true ones, indeed. 'That step' was not another wrong one made. Finally :) Thank You, Allah, for lending them to me. Thank You.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

strum that C#minor

This is weird. I somehow like Inside of You by Infant Sorrow, the fictitious band, played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall movie.


Whoa, time does fly so fast. It's already Wednesday. That means, I'll be coming home tomorrow! Insya Allah :) This time, it'll be by bus - agak berdebar aku ni. Hopefully the driver will execute his job carefully.


I had a weird dream yesterday, but I can't recall the exact content. I only remember waking up later and I actually got confused between dreams and reality. I can only recall getting a letter from someone. Woke up and tried to find the letter. Pfft. What was I thinking -_-" Entah apa content surat tu.


Keadaan fizikal laptop dah nazak, sob... Tengah taip blog ini pun boleh nampak seekor semut tengah travel blakang screen laptop (belakang ya, bukan depan). Rasa nak gelak pun ada. Rasa nak beli laptop baru pun ada. Tapi, pitih takdo. Lambat betul biasiswa nak masuk ni, tolonglah pehe.


Anyway, I'm thinking of revealing 'the secret' soon. Soon enough.


* Change of mood *


What if you finally let someone interfere your medullary activities? The one that controls your chronotrophy and inotrophy of your heart? In the meantime, this mind is against it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

y'all wanna single say touch that

No kidding! At this rate, I sleep once every couple of days!!! Gahhhhhh!! I don't need this when I have to overwork myself for another few weeks. Tengah licinkan model gigi pakai sandpaper pun rasa macam berada di awang-awangan. Since I already set my aims as mentioned in the entry below, I'll have to make them come true, with God's will. Jadi, lebih penuhlah jadual saya.


Semalam sahaja... bangun pagi untuk kuliyah pagi sampai tengah hari. Kemudian, beli nota dan seterusnya berehat lebih kurang sejam. Lab round pula bermula 2.30pm sehingga hampir 4.00pm. Nak kejarkan deadline hantar denture punya pasal, apa lagi, terus ke dental lab lah. At 6.10pm, I figured out that I couldn't proceed more since the false teeth are with my technologist, En. Fairuz. So, there I was, on my way back to my room. Changed into sports apparels and went out for jogging with Jijah and Fiza. Slightly more intense abdominal sounds were heard, so, Fiza and I went to D'Village right after we jogged to buy our favourite food - SUP BELUT! Sedap, tak tipu langsung. Came back and did what we're supposed to do. Had a short rest and plucked my guitar just a little while. Next, I started to work on my physical examination report - I'm supposed to present it to Dr. Aloenisa this evening. Gah, agak berdebar. Decided that I was too tired and my mind was wandering somewhere else, hence, my current activity - blogging, and whadda you know, it's already 3.32am.


Kali ini terpaksa pilih kes chicken pox untuk chapter Communicable Disease. Ada satu sahaja kes typhoid kelmarin. Kasihan pula pesakit tu. Tapi... saya juga risau rakan-rakan sePBL akan cabut lari bila nak tengok pesakit saya nanti - lebih-lebih lagi yang tak pernah kena chicken pox. Masa inilah nak pakai pengetahuan cross infection control dan etc.


Working my arse off through this week so that I'll get to enjoy my weekend :D That'd be worth it, insya Allah. Tapi... saya tak tahu berapa lama saya boleh bertahan macam ini. Selama ini bolehlah saya berbangga dengan bacaan haemoglobin antara 13-14.0g/dl+. However, recently my skin turned pale too frequently already. Lately, I had been experiencing signs that correlate with classic migraine. I hope I will not inherit vertigo nor migraine from Ayah. Tak mahu makan ubat T_T


Zahirah... it's time to let go.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

that's what Mr. Nietzsche call as 'sublimation'

Albeit not exactly knowing how the words about me smoking syeesha were spread here in my university, I have to admit that it stained my reputation a little bit. Nevertheless, it also means another thing - I can talk about it freely in my blog :D Haha. A few weeks ago, I figured out that I really need to refocus my aims and start acting accordingly, hence, a few changes were made on my lifestyle from that point onward.

1. Started decreasing my frequency of syeesha smoking from approximately four times per week to once every fortnight or week.
2. Started jogging approximately four times per week. Since my duties as the batch leader has decreased a bit, I no longer spend much of my time walking between dental and medical schools. Stamina was so shamefully low.
3. Started reading on lecture notes after their respective lecture.
4. Finish my prosthodontic and paediatric dental assignments within a fortnight.


No pain no gain. If I really want to be the excellent student I once was, I'll have to defeat MDD and its associated symptoms. I also made up my mind that... people can bitch about me as much as they want, but I can't let myself down just because a few pests hit my windshield.


Will be coming home this weekend :) Fiza and Jijah will be tagging along ^_^ Hopefully I can get the time to see 'em - Fana, Mel, Anith, Tra, May, Kishie, and Hannah. Hannah mentioned in her blog about jamming with the rest of the Danishes. Gyaaaaa, aku mahuuuuuu~ There will only be a full couple of days for me to do whatever I'm supposed to do T_T My schedule will be packed as 'heaven'. Umi and Ayah will not be home, sob... they will be away for my cousin's wedding reception in Endau, Johore. I'm not exactly sure what Dr Zarina told Umi, but Umi said she'll try her best to be back by Saturday night. O_O! That's quite rare. Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah for that. Finally, I'll be bringing a car to my university. Will not need to message Ese to rent his car anymore :DDDD Nonetheless, he had helped me a lot towards my recovery. Should thank him.


See, I'm supposed to clerk a patient (check and interview patients) in 12 hours time. I suppose I should be off the internet by now. Goodnight and wassalam :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

ada apa dengan Cafe World?

Saya tak faham langsung kenapa rating Cafe World saya tak naik sampai sekarang walaupun makanan bertimbun serta beraneka jenisnya. Hm...


Well, my weekend came to its end a few hours ago (ya, kepada anda yang tidak berada di Kelantan, Terengganu, atau Kedah, berseronoklah lagi). Frankly, I wasted it with lazing around, but then, frankly again, I think I deserved it. Last week almost drained my energy to the very last bit - HONEST-FRIGGING-LY.


Since I'm well on my path of recovering from MDD, my excuses for feeling lazy will run out soon enough. Even my Melody Written Out blog (personal tab archive) is getting dusty again, at no surprise. I was reminded of it by Incik Nasrul "Roy" Hanif. Cemana dia tahu pasal blog itu, saya pun tak pasti.


Yaddah yaddah yaddah, anyhoo, I still have to take care of my health, therefore, I can't afford to laze around and leave my laundries undone, my bedroom untidy, and let the opportunistic microorganism make my place as a habitat. For unknown reasons, Wani and I get ill very easily, but I sympathize Wani more because... dia lagi senang sakit :( Speaking of which... I bought love letter biscuits just now and while gobbling a few of them, I found out that they actually contain lactose (read their box). Terima kasih, lactose intolerance, aku mahu muntah ni.


p/s: My apologies for the boring entry. I'm quite a boring person, you see.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

bombard these thoughts with bullets!

It's 5.36am already. My insomnia is worsening once again, I guess, and I don't think I'd fancy having short-term memory loss (or long-term after chronic usage) for taking alprazolam tablets T_T Guess I'll have to make it through without those drugs :(


My chronic post-traumatic stress disorder isn't helping either. It's not that funny or exciting anymore to get dreams about spinning almost every night, you see. It's not funny too to shiver or get anxious just at the sight of any hatchback that's similar to the one that used to belong to me... even thinking of it alone becomes stressing! Perhaps cognitive and behavioral therapies aren't that bad after all (not as bad as it sounded a few months ago)?


So, here I am, boredom is numbing my mind and I'm left with ridiculous thoughts again :P Now, there are a few ideas floating in my mind currently -
1. I'm thinking of having my eyebrows done - like the one I drew (sorry for the badly drawn picture, I was lazy to run Photoshop) below

For some reasons, I find it extremely cool. ROFL. Have a look at Shota Matsuda's in Love Shuffle, yang samurai-ish look haha!

2. Since I'm about to receive my scholarship, I'm thinking of spending a quarter to half of the total amount to buy an electrical guitar. For some unknown reasons, Ayah didn't mind splurging a lot for a classical guitar (without jack, totally non-electronic), but as long as a jack exists on a particular guitar, it's a straight NO-NO.

3. Once again, I'm thinking of piercing my lower lip like I used to, but I'm very positive the doc will chase me out of the clinic if I'm seen wearing it... or even putting a transparent stick into the hole. An obvious NO-NO too.

4. I know the condition of my laptop is so bad physically and yes, I've heard enough of, "Tukarlah laptop, Z", already, but I'm seriously thinking of upgrading its RAM to 4gB.

5. I want to install Mortal Kombat, King of Fighters, and Street Fighter games... again :D Let's add Battle Realm to the list.

6. It's weird to have this one wish located at the bottom of my hopeful list - to complete studying central nervous system and reproductive chapters. See, my MDD peaked during both chapters.


I know, I know, I'd probably get more people getting all judgemental having to read some of the things above, but they're just thoughts. As Russell Peters said it, "Even if I were, they're my fucking thoughts. If would've wanted them to be true, I would've set them", sorry for the vulgarities, am just writing down what he said, hoho :P Nevertheless, The dialogue above only applies to thoughts no. 1 and 3.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

what's 'super'? what's 'tired'?

My eyelids feel so heavy although it's only 9.55pm. That's supposed to be a good thing, I guess? At least, I'm trying to kill my insomnia without shoving alprazolam tablets into my throat. However, I haven't finished reading on steel crown... HOLD ON! It's not 'haven't finished', it's more of 'HAVEN'T FREAKING STARTED'! Hopefully the extra paediatric conservative dentistry class for tomorrow isn't the last one, mwuuu... So, that brings me to my current attempt to revive my brain by playing Kesha's Tik Tok on my laptop.


On a more positive thought, today had been a very exhausting, but productive day :) This MDD thing had pulled me down so hard that my dental assignments were very far from completion. You know those things such as psychomotor retardation and social withdrawal come along with MDD, right? Well, they sure are disappearing away, bit by bit. Woke up extremely late today - at noon, since I slept at about 5.00am. Had to rush to the dental school for a meeting with a few people, but I was slowed down while on my way there by a few news that were quite troubling. Later, found out that there's no way I could squeeze having a proper lunch (haven't had my breakfast), so I stopped by at Che Din's small bookshop to buy Vico (bajet boleh dapat tenaga LOL!), but it was sold out :( So I bought juice and Hi5 spicy tuna bun (tak menyelerakan, saya tahu, tapi syukur dah ada makanan). Shoved the former into the pocket of my white coat, and continued heading to the dental school building while trying to solve the problems I had mentioned before. Made a few phone calls - sambil berjalan kaki panas terik dan sambil makan roti tuna. Tangan kiri pegang handphone, tangan kanan pegang roti, mulut berfungsi dwicara - cakap dengan orang dan kunyah makanan lalu menolaknya ke dalam tekak - semuanya sambil mengepit kot putih itu.


Finished waxing, making bite blocks and mounted it, and will start setting the teeth next (f.y.i, these are a few steps in denture making). I managed to see Dr. Zuliani for a few things and poured my teeth models for cons. Stayed till about 6.35pm. Next, headed back to my room, immediately changed into sports apparels and went for jogging with Jijah. Stamina aku dah rendah macam seciput sikit-sikit semput. Itulah, sedut lagi asap yang tak patut banyak sangat sampai CO level pun dah 14. Then, walked to D'Village which is situated outside of USM for dinner. Makan sup belut (sedap, ketagih dah aku ni) dengan nasi putih dan air teh o beng (go figure out yourself haha) saiz L! Wahahahaha! Puas hati gila. Walked to 7-11 next to refill my food supply (konon). Finally, I'm back in my room and found myself typing this entry. I want to vomit.

gotcha

Akhirnya selepas keluar kali ke-3 dalam minggu yang sama, AKU BERJAYA BELI BENDA ITU!!!! Jeah, bakar lemakkkkkk!!! Hahahahahaahaah~

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

when you know one has too much time to be wasted

This shall be a slightly provocative entry. So, you were warned already :)


Of all group pages established in Facebook, this particular caught my attention - we HATE those kids tht hangs out infront of the pavilion entrance group (kids that hangS out INFRONT of THE pavilion entrance? Please, someone, teach this kid proper English before permitting him to commit more crimes :P).


I saw the link to this page somewhere on my Fb notification board. Of course, I couldn't kill this urge to view its wall. It's very disappointing on how torn apart we could be just by bringing up a small issue, and yet so many of us are so ignorant on way more crucial issues such as how bad Malaysian economy currently is (and these people aren't helping at all - please add both negative and positive effects, you'll eventually come up with a negative value). It hurts too having to read comments on subjects such as visitors who come to Pavillion wearing secondhand clothes and etc. (whatever they are, they symbolise poor financial status). What an outrageous discrimination that is! I guess that's where the idiom, "Biar papa asal bergaya", comes in - are we ready to burn a hole through our pocket just to look tip-top, and feel somehow safe and confident when one brings up the topic mentioned? These sadistic words usually come from the mouth (or in this case, the fingers and keyboard) of kids who are born in relatively richer family... so what about those who aren't really capable of buying lavish stuff? Don't they deserve to go to such places? So we're discriminating people now?


This brings me to another topic - kita suka menegur orang, tetapi kita sendiri tidak suka ditegur. Lebih memalukan jika kita sendiri melakukan perkara yang kita jadikan teguran. Please, be my guest... entertain yourself with comments such as, "Mereka perasan jadi 'trendsetters' dan the 'IT'", or anything of its equivalence. I'm not sure whether they did it consciously or not, but... such posts somehow made them appear as if they are... attention seekers themselves? It amuses me too to read things condemning people who dress/act like Westerners when the commentor him/herself is in one way or another is influenced by this 'budaya kuning' thing. I'd love to hear some talks but I'd prefer more actions to be taken.


I can make this entry so long that you'll vomit just having to finish reading it, but my point is... why do you waste your time doing so? Stop breaking each of us apart and start doing something that's actually efficient and productive. Although I'm proudly half-Javanese, it's not pleasant to see my other half blood doing humiliating things. Quoting my lecturer, "Sebab tu la dia jadi meLAYU. Layu je", and he's pure Bugis. It didn't feel pleasant to listen or even saying that.


Hold on. At a second thought, I somehow feel like I'm wasting my time writing this entry, but heck! I already finished typing it -_-" Tekan ja lah butang, "PUBLISH POST", tu :P

Saturday, December 5, 2009

you know what?

The grammar alone is incorrect, but who cares.

Anyway, I DESPISE, LOATH, and HATE WITH ALL MY HEART people with extreme views. I know that you have your own principles to hold, but that doesn't mean you have to force them into anyone (not to mention about making it so obvious) or show how rigid your thinking is. There are guidlines, but there are rooms for tolerance as well, or else I shall never forgive or accept any of your flaw from this second onward. Thank you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

a conversation

From left to right : Yasmin, Yana, Yan, Era, Zaty, Yantie, and Mazni.


Arghhhh, I am trying to suppress this 'hazardous' gas from escaping my gastrointestinal sytem (GIT) - a decent way of saying, "I WANT TO FREAKING f**t!". I shall never ever ever ever forget this (and so should you) - serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors cause GIT upset. Gosh, rumbling sounds have been escaping my abdomen now and then.


Okay, enough with medical jargons. I captured the picture above a few days ago, when the girls and I went to Pantai Sabak to attend Yantie's uncle's wedding reception. It was a traditional and simple event. How long had I forgotten the warm feeling villagers can give you (especialy since I had to be excused from the last residency of the CFCS programme).


As I had mentioned before (and so did the media when they reported about floods in Eastern Malaysia), it's monsoon season now. Musim tengkujuh. Everyday feels as cold as it feels when summer takes over winter in Melbourne (ecehhh reminisce sikit zaman dulu)... but with more humidity! It had been... almost a year already since I last had my vacation overseas. Nanti buat masters baru buat di luar negara, insya Allah... harap-harap boleh major dalam oral maxillofacial surgery.


Well, anyway, when it's cold, as usual, all of us here feel lazier than we usually do, and when I said "All of us", I'm obviously not excluded. I didn't even notice that my white coat (a.k.a lab coat) is already dirty here and there until just now as I was ironing it... and the next class that requires me to wear it will start in about... 6 hours -_- Memang tak sempat nak keringlah kalau basuh sekarang, mwuuuu... Then, I turned off the light at my side of the room and looked again at the coat. I said to Fiza, "Eh, white coat tu nampak bersihlah bila tutup lampu", and she started nagging me for saying such unnecessary thing. Haha.


Speaking of which... yes, I have a class in 6 hours time, so I think I should be on the bed already. Goodnight and wassalam, everyone.

p/s: Do you disagree with this sentence? - It's as cold as hell!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

i sleep with a stethoscope on

Pāx is what I'm searching for...

Today, I had a lecture on 'Sedative Hypnotics and Anxiolytics'. To be translated in simple English, the lecture was mostly about drugs that induces sleep-like state by depressing a few functions in our brain. Although I read the topic overhand, I honestly skipped the chapter on their side-effects... and had to learn it later (during lecture of course). The thing about this drug is... I'm currently prescribed alprazolam which is a type of long-acting benzodiazepine (to treat my insomnia) which also happened to be included in that very lecture. Now I understand the reason Dr Zarina emphasized the part where I'm supposed to take that drug only when I really think is necessary. It's because it may induce AMNESIA (memory loss)!!! And I just started to gather things again! Nonetheless, thank God, thank God, I only took it once in the past week, mainly because I had very bad daytime hangover which means I felt verrrrrry sleeeeeeeeepy during daytime. I could barely focus during discussions and lectures and all I did during lunch breaks was to sleep.


So, just recently, I found an awkward method to help me falling asleep. To sleep while listening to my very own heart beat (but remember to remove it right before sleeping, or the pressure on your ears will be very painful later). Ironically, I can't fall asleep while listening to songs. Besides, doing so may interrupt with conversion of short-term memory into long-term memory - according to one of my lecturers.


Anyway, a friend advised me to discontinue taking these escitalopram tablets I'm swallowing every night. Enquired the doc about that. She was quite startled (for reasons I shall not write here). Then she said, "Kita... kena tahu keupayaan kita... takat mana kita mampu",(+/-) and told me to continue taking my medications (I never defaulted though). I'm convinced now... it's okay not to appear strong at times and not to push myself too hard for the sake of others especially, because in the end, it exerts 'wear and tear' effect on me, not on them.


You know... all these incidents, they are God's way of teaching me numerous lessons and they opened my eyes to those who have always been here, with me. I had wasted my love, money, time, and so much more on so many wrong people indeed... but hey, nothing goes wasted :)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

selamat hari raya eid ul-adha :)

More contents to be updated tonight, insya Allah :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Rasid KB

Most of you will probably not understand this since, well... except for students who stay in a university, others might be using personal line for surfing the net. Well, anyway, since my university provides each of us a wireless line that has depressingly low capacity for information transfer, once in awhile, we'll encounter a page titled 'ERROR: The requested URL could not be retrieved...' and bladdah bladdah, and at the end of the page, there will be 'Your cache administrator is RasidKB (although they had changed it to webmaster now' written there. Whatever it is, it means that surfing the net becomes challenging and rocky somehow... especially having to press F5 to refresh the page again and again and agaaaaaaain. The next thing that proceeds it will be cussing RasidKB, whoever that person is. I somehow sympathize him, but can't help feeling agitated at the same time.


Okay, actually, the paragraph above is just another random thought of mine.


I started taking sleeping pills yesterday. One thing I can say - IT WAS CRAZY!!!!!!!!! It makes me annoyingly much more sleepier than before. I'm starting to have delusion on the possibility of me beating Kishie at sleeping. Dia tidur banyak haha. Anyway, woohoo, Dr Zarina will be helping me on getting a sample of medication for curbing nicotine addiction, insya Allah. Alhamdulillah :)


And oh heyyyy, my elder sister, Wani will be engaged to Syafiq Zakaria soon, insya Allah :))) Another happy news is what I need right now, really ^_^ So, I might be coming home just for a few days to attend her engagement. Hopefully I will not miss the 'sarung cincin' part just as I had missed Along's T_T Mwuuu... it still makes me sad having to remember that. With all my heart, I wish Along and Wani will get married soon and have a blissful life, but these news mean another thing too. It means Umi bombarding me with the same question again and again. At no surprise, the question is always about, "Awak takda boyfriend ke, Ira?". Haiz... I'm already at my limit just by facing 4 major challenges in a period of 2-3 months. Takpalah... yang penting, belajar elok-elok, tolong orang, jadi manusia yang baik, and hopefully God blesses me in everything I do. God is indeed the all-loving one.


Okay, sleeping pills are kicking in its effects already. Eyelids are getting heavier... and heavier... and hea.......... zzzzzz (~_~)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

kaciak

Tonight doesn't feel as cold as it had been for days... and I'll finally sleep in a few minutes time (Do you know you're supposed to give yourself almost an hour of uhm... 'transition period' before finally falling asleep? Then only your sleep will be more fulfilling). Shoooh, early insomnia! And goodbye, late insomnia, you're finally away for GOOD.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

apa salahnya jadi anak yang baik?

From right to left : Along, Ahmad, Wani, and I (I look uber hideous here, but... yang lain okay kot :P)


While I was busy worrying about my past wrongdoings and asked for Along's Kelisa to be sent here instead of getting a new Myvi (out of guilt) as proposed by my mother, Umi bought something that... I had never thought she'd buy in the nearest time. That exact 'something' somehow planted regret deep inside of me on my previous decision. Nevertheless, she's all happy about it, so, I couldn't bring myself to change my request, because then I'll be swarmed with guilt once again. Besides, the Stream is always at home for me to drive in Selangor... just like Umi had said numerous time overhand. So, dear i10 was sent safely back to KL. Finally, a part of my unresolved conflicts disappeared into thin air. Whatever it is, I'm finally able to enjoy contentment :) Alhamdulillah... Weird isn't it... these few days are always about learning to "Settle for less", instead of craving for more and more as I used to.


So, the mission about curbing my greed for luxurious and unnecessary stuff is already halfway accomplished. Just a little bit more to go :) The other mission which is to accept a few friends' departure was also completed, not forgetting with the help of a few true friends. Part of my acceptance is to be contributed to the fact that I once more have my family members by my side, supporting me thoroughly. Many were talking about the problems with hedonistic lifestyle, but mine... I lost my love for hedonism a long time ago- which brings us to my third mission which is to let me once again enjoy the things I used to enjoy. When that passion was ripped off of me, I felt like the zest of life had died. Well, it seems like it's budding once again :) Next is to enhance the performance of my brain once again. It had been showing a few positive signs lately and I hope for lots more to come, insya Allah. Besides, Selanjar 3 Perubatan examination is about a month away only. Insya Allah, kita cuba yang terbaik. Amiiin...

just as it is

Finally, justice came knocking on my door... just now :) Thank God, thank God. "I don't need a better thing, I'll settle for less", just as sang by Pete Yorn, but I think I want to add my own part to that... "I don't need a better thing, I'll settle for less... number but give my deepest affection to the remaining ones and enjoy better quality of life". Clueless? My pleasure.

Friday, November 20, 2009

brrrrrrr, it's cold

Had to walk through the rain with a broken umbrella (borrowed it from someone else, since I had lost about 6 umbrellas already) and my pants ended up getting wet halfway... while trying my best to forget my stomach ache due to food poisoning. Once I got back, I had my lower limbs washed immediately and right till now, both of them are freezing cold. The rain hasn't stopped since afternoon. I could see haze hovering over the tennis court near my hostel. This is the time during which Kelantan feels coziest compared to other days. All of a sudden, I feel like dipping my feet in the river or sea. I miss the sea... a lot. While 'late i10' was around, Pantai Irama which is about 30minutes away used to be our hangout spot. It's okay, will be bringing another car over around January 2010.


Today had been a very tiring and satisfying day nevertheless. Albeit attending paediatric conservative class (= dental practices to be applied on kids) and periodontic class for the first time after my speedy recovery (Alhamdulillah) from major depression, skipping a medical lecture, Jijah and I stayed at the lab from 8.00am till 4.00pm, which makes it 8 hours altogether (quite a shock to me, honestly)! We had a brief break which lasted for about half an hour for lunch and that's all. Nonetheless, I finally got to see myself slowly getting back on track and although I was quite slow on pulpectomy (= emptying the tooth from the soft tissue in its core and fill the space with something else... the reason is to preserve heavily infected tooth), the hardest parts were already over, AT LAST! So, I treated myself with copying a number of movies from Che Din, who is the owner of USMKK bookshop..................... only to find out later that I copied BluRay movies and obviously my laptop is not up to its level (after losses and losses, I'm no longer much of a gadget fan), thus failed to play the files properly. GAHHHH! Now I'll have to wait while converting their format and enjoy them later.


Today, I'll be having a nightout with Jijah and Fiza, the two people who really, really, really has been sticking with me through thick and thin, studies and anything that's not related to it, guided me and giving me continuous morale support despite my resistance towards their effort. They can easily detect my mood change simply through my facial expression, even when I showed them my best poker-face. I think... they deserve a treat. I don't really know how can I repay their kindness. I mean... at this point, I'm quite left behind in fields that I usually lead them on. I mean... who can put up with a person who doesn't laugh to your jokes, cries when you bring up happy topics, slashes her wrist when you give her a pat, doesn't wake up despite numerous wake-up calls you're giving her, was busy with her emotions while you had to explain her reasons for absence to classes to lecturers and nurses, vomits when you're having your meal, doesn't smile for days, and many more... without accusing her for doing those things purposely, to seek attention, and accepts her thoughts simply for how they are? They put up with what seemed like my endless tantrums very patiently and now is my turn to repay them. I finally get to drop a tear of gratefulness... thank you, Allah... my cognitive function is restoring to its optimum state once again. Hopefully, by then, I can repay them in other forms as well. Saya sangat sangat sangat sayang sama kalian berdua. Tak tipu sikit pun. Thank you Allah for lending them to me :')

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

i am here to educate you

You know what, my insomnia is getting really annoying. I had been rolling on the bed for almost a couple of hours already, the lights were all out for quite some time, and yet my body is still refusing to fall asleep.


Might as well post an entry... since I'm dead bored here.


You know the thing with having major depression is... there's a stigma directed towards it. I feel like living in 1970s once again although I undoubtedly never went through that period :P Just because it's listed as one of the major psychiatric disorders, it doesn't mean it's an aggressive disorder. It gets funnier when many people even confuse it with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder! Let me put this straight - to those who don't read much, there is a long list of public figures who had experienced major depression at least once in their life. Let's see... Abraham Lincoln had it at least twice already. Jim Carrey had it too and he even bravely made it public a few years ago. J. K. Rowling had it during the early days of her writing Harry Potter novels. I will not waste my time listing all of them though :P You'll get the point......... as long as you're not a simpleton :P


Things are quite simple. Depressed patients' daily life might change a little bit here and there... oh, alright, maybe in severe cases, huge changes happen, and they might be down for quite some time. As long as you give us moral support to them in any way and assist them in getting the RIGHT treatment, with God's will, they'll recover... although the mean time of recovery from clinical depression is about 3 months (or so... as I read somewhere. Don't take it too seriously though since I can't recite my source). Just bear in mind that forcing ideas into them and hope that they'll turn back into their former-selves is just ridiculous. If things were that easy, clinical depression wouldn't have captured the eyes of previous researchers and antidepressants wouldn't have became so popular now. It's when they're being forced to push the depression away in whatever way that is possible in such a short time that some of them are forced to fake themselves to be happy but the main problem is rooting itself to them stronger and stronger by day... but to do so (giving them support) would mean for you to stop being self-centered and learn to understand that... not everyone thinks the way you do, experiences the same thing you do, and what-not.


Do you know of those drama scenes in which a depressed person (not talking of a person who's delusional that he/she is depressed when he/she is actually not) is scolded harshly by his/her close friend to somehow slap the sense out of him/her? And suddenly the patient recovers and sees things in such a refreshing way? It's silly, seriously. If you do so, that person might simply jump out the window the minute you turn your back to her... but that's just a suggestion :P

Sunday, November 15, 2009

dear, you have lots more to see

Dude, I seriously have no clue whether what I did about 20 hours ago was right or not. Just pray silently that it is right. Hwargh. The world doesn't revolve around me. I have to make some sacrifice. Again.


Oh hey, I had just finished the last Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, during previous medical leave, hence, a picture of speccy and hooded Zahirah was uploaded. Yaddah, yaddah, I know... that novel had been out for years already and really, I bought it right after Bloomsbury (the producer of Harry Potter series) announced its release. Somehow, I don't start reading any novel if I know first-handedly that I will not get to glue my arse to any particular spot for hours (or maybe days) just to finish reading it at a go. Having to go through my second year in dentistry during that time... I didn't think that's an option. Nevertheless, it was a satisfying read and once again, Harry Potter's imaginary world becomes dangerously addictive and so infatuating. Again and again, I have to remind myself of where I'm actually standing. Psychiatry block will starting in about 3 hours and I'm still here typing this entry. Jangan khayal!


Talking about being speccy... the specs I wore was just for show. I'm not bespectacled, although I honestly wish I can possess a pair of glasses. I have this feeling that it makes me look wise. WAAAAHAHAHAHHA! Again, the childish side of me had just showed herself, but seriously, my vision is perfect except for astigmatism. So, playing computer in the dark since you're 4 years old does pay back after all.



I uploaded the picture above on impulse. I thought it somehow looks dreamy :) Entah apa khabar si Anith. I lost her handphone number, you see, so I couldn't text her as I arrived at Subang last week... despite promising her to do so once I come home :( The fact that Umi, Ayah, Ahmad, and I will be moving to Nilai next year makes me want to see them (Stucks) more. Of course, I can always drive back to Subang when I'm in Nilai, but it'd be on a well-planned trip instead of an on-the-spot thing. The city does mean a lot to me after all, you know.


Whatever it is, back to working my way to becoming a good dentist! Time to get some sleep. Insomnia episode is back. I even took 2 doses of a type of antihistamine at a go which were supposed to kick some sleepiness in me. Apparently, they failed to carry their duty.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

God, please extinguish this fire of anger in me

Don't give false hopes to anyone. Don't give false hopes to anyone. Don't give false hopes to anyone. I've always tried my best to put you at ease... but how long can I stand my every momentum of enthusiasm being hampered by your insensitive actions, words, and thoughts?


I am... tired of this. I am so... tired of this. I swear... I feel so tired mentally over this issue. This headache is so overwhelming, it feels like my head is about to split into halves.


I am sure not of what feeling should I have right now, but the tears don't seem to stop falling down... but I sure feel like I'm the most selfish person on earth. I knew it... shouldn't have laughed too much yesterday. Oh... how I despise myself right now. I am certainly not a good person. I am certainly not a good person. Will I be a good person... one day?


With this... I think I'd better go with, "I don't need a better thing, I'd settle for less", and stop you from further pursuing the issue. I guarantee you... these complicated thoughts and feelings are beyond your comprehension and I don't expect you to understand them because... I had long given up on that - when you damaged my emotions too much for so long already. Goodbye.

Monday, November 9, 2009

1, 2, 3

One day you'll understand how I've felt all these while. Hopefully time will be on our side for that to happen.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

drops of jupiter with a tinge of melancholy

I wish I'm not this afraid of losing. Oh... how I miss the old times when taking risks wasn't a big deal.


I hope the day will come when you finally understand my intentions and myself. In the meantime, I can just pray for the best of everything. Wallahua'lam.


If only I had the guts to show more of myself back in those times... hwargh! Benda dah lepas. Nak buat macam mana.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

a twist in my story

Sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, jauh, jauh, jauh lagi sakit daripada self-inflicted injury!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!... no, it's supposed to be - AAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! On a second thought, the type of the pain this time is sort of new to me... what an interesting sensation.


It's a fact that everybody's pain threshold is different. That means, whatever that's not painful to you might be very painful to and vice versa. Just my daily scientific rumbles, though. What I'm actually trying to say is my pain threshold is somehow relatively higher than the people around me... of which I perceive as a blessing, but that also means if I find something to be very painful that I say it out loud... oh well, you understand better.


Huargh! When you have ample of time and you don't bother spending them on meaningful things, ridiculous thoughts will start looming over your head. This is my current thought - I feel like putting a hole through my lower lip once again (I wrote in this manner intentionally, go figure it out). It had been almost 6 years since I let the hole seal itself. My last DIY session wasn't eventful... except for being forced to remove it after only 3 months, but I'm quite sure the docs will kick me out of the clinic or hospital if they see it or perhaps another rule will be added to our dressing code. I wasn't a good person, was I? Well, nor am I now. Still working my way towards changing for the better. Flex, flex, flex.

Friday, November 6, 2009

stop and think

Sounds are coming from the television. This place is illuminated with warm lights. The smell of 434 coffee specially brought over from Muar, Johore, is driving me to sleep... ironically. This J-shaped mini grinding machine in my body is filled with mi bandung Muar. The authentic one. These eyelids feel so heavy - I haven't had such feeling for a very very very long time already. Months maybe. Although it had only been a month or so since I last came home, this warm feeling had been absent for months already. Only God knows how thankful I am to finally enjoy it once again... but all of a sudden - OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Did somebody stab my right shoulder?! Oh... it's Mr Varicella Horror Virus poking around my nerves again. Hopefully, with this and God's blessings, I'll recover rapidly in whatever aspect that's possible, insya Allah :)


Nevertheless, this heart is so uneasy thinking of my group members who will be starting their third residency in just 6 hours and I'm here in Subang, missing all the fun and hardship. Hopefully they'll take lots and lots of photos especially that of my cigarette statue. I don't even get to give my final touch on it... but whatever it is, you get something, you lose something. That's how life goes... I guess.


A few hours ago, while I was on the plane back home, a few flashbacks and thoughts swarmed my mind.

"Trafik lambat nak mampus. Ni yang aku fed up KL ni. Okay, we, kita switch turbo mode, terbanglah".

"Okay, okay, cepat. Aku tekan ni", and he pressed the imaginary 'turbo switch'.

"Okay. Vooooooom~ Eh, tidur dah orang belakang".


*Thud!* *Swooooosh!!!* The sound of the air molecules hitting against the body of the aeroplane vigorously as it landed relatively more smoothly compared to my previous rides chased my previous thoughts away. I miss him... I guess. He was a close friend after all and was almost like a younger brother to me.


I bet the paragraph above will make a few people misunderstand my intentions, just like they always do. LOL.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

blessed


Whoa... Can't believe I had left this blog unattended for 4 days already -_-" It might be because I'm currently busy with the Community and Family Case Studies program (as usual, I'm the one in charge of computer-related stuff as well as construction of a statue of... malas saya mahu tulis di sini) and trying to get my body to heal as rapid as it can... but having to be so involved in the former and trying to catch up with current central nervous system block... body function is deteriorating fast :P



Well, for a start, about a week ago, as I had written here, a few of my lymph nodes (kelenjar limpa?) which are located around the neck enlarged (and hasn't shrank yet. Tsk.) and felt so painful that my neck became stiff without the help of analgesic cream and painkillers. I saw 2 doctors for it and both of them gave me wide-scope antibiotics which didn't help much.



Then, about 2-3 days later, the main culprit showed themselves. 7 skin lesions were visible at my back. Have you ever heard of an insect that is often called as 'Charlie' or its scientific name Paederus littoralis? It's an obnoxious insect which secretes chemicals that causes blisters and hey, it's very famous among USMians. So, blame the Charlies, I said to myself... until later when the pain becomes more and more excruciating.



Paid a trip to a doc. The diagnosis was 'suspected chicken pox'. She told me to come back if ever a new lesion appears, and yes, a new one did appear. Finally, it's, "Blame the varicella zoster virus!". I now have varicella zoster viral infection. This fellow - the virus - is the one that's responsible for chicken pox cases - a disease that's very common among us. Provided a person had that disease before and lives a healty life - acceptably stable health and isn't aged yet, the virus will stay dormant (inactive) in a part of our body called dorsal root ganglia. That's basically a meeting point for neurons (nerve cells) - the afferent ones (nerve cells that convey signals from numerous part of the body to the spinal cord and brain, mostly carry sensory information), mind you. Once a person is immunocompromised (the immune system is somehow affected by whatever condition), the virus will try to grab its chance and reactivate themselves which leads to another condition called varicella zoster (but it has lots more names)/herpes zoster (please don't confuse herpes zoster with the one you usually hear. Both are very different diseases). The thing about the adult one (in contrast to the child one) is... the virus plays around with the nerves. So my sensory nerves are going haywire now. Sharp pain and tingling sensation on my right shoulder, right side of neck, and right hands. Let's hope that the virus won't play around with my motor nerves (involved in moving muscles) next. And also... the child version tends to cause lesions all over one's body, but the adult version follows where the nerve goes. So it doesn't look as nasty as it feels :P



Perhaps... I really need to get a good rest. Not only my current condition stops me from getting all hectic, but it also stops others from forcing me to overwork myself. Praises to God.


The thing about this is... I'm now forbidden from joining the community for the CFCS program. I can only be the the planner and commentator of my own show. Hopefully the rest of my group members will do well there. Takpalah... siapkan semua benda grafik pun jadilah... tapi... hm. Sabar, Zahirah, sabar. Allah knows your every pain and hardship.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

may i be your disease?

This weekend might had been the most... nerve-wrecking and heart-warming weekend in these past few months. Ayah... Umi... sayang sama kalian. You might be strict. You might be judgemental, but whatever they are... you guys are part of the reasons I am Zahirah of today and I mean that in a good way. That's just how you show your love, I keep telling myself till today. I hope... Umi and Ayah can bear with me through all these challenges. I'll recover soon, insya Allah... with time. Thanks, guys, for the great weekend.


I had been unfair to a few people, but I guess it's my fair share - it's my turn now to do so, but... having to say that, when would this cycle come to its end? Truth is, just as a few people are turning into some sort of disease to me... me, myself is becoming a disease to others. So, in the mean time, I think it's best for all of us to stop forcing anything into each other's mind and action, and start loosening ourselves. The message is clear, therefore, I don't intend to write more on that.


Whatever it is... to forgive is what I am succumbed to. So, don't worry too much. I always wish the best for 'all of you'.


All the best to everybody who's about to sit for their finals, especially to my friends in the university whose fields of studies converge to health sciences. All the best to all of you, insya Allah.

Friday, October 30, 2009

hm hm

Heart is fluttering! Gyaaaa~ Tasukete, hontou niiiii tasukete~

hm

Today, I vomited a lot. Heck lots of vomit, and my antidepressants were out quite some time ago, which means I hadn't been taking them nor am I taking hematinics (supplementary for things to make your blood). But still... I think my lactose intolerance is worsening with time. Dude, makan roti pun perut mula buat drumroll. Cabaran.


Today, my insomnic (difficulty in sleeping or staying asleep) episode is haunting me... once again. It was hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) for a few days. I slept for almost 20 hours per day. Last morning, I woke up acceptably early and yet despite countless attempts to get back to sleep since a few hours ago, here I am, wide awake, looking at the computer. Kalau dapat tidur pun tadi, 4.00pagi+ pasti bangun kembali. Dan bangun lagi kemudiannya. Dan bangun lagi. Dan bangun lagi. Cabaran.


Today, my appetite is killed yet again. You know how hard for that to happen since... I can still eat a lot even when I'm as sick as a dog, hence, explaining my weight haha. Malam semalam, selera makan kembali, pagi ini, selera makan mati. Semua yang dimakan pun mahu keluar kembali. Tolonglah pehe... I paid for those food. Duitku terbazir begitu sahaja. Cabaran.


Today, the size of my occipital lymph node (numerous organs in your body involved in activating your white blood cells and in my case, it's the one situated at the back of your neck, near your skull) hasn't reduced as far as I'm concerned. It's still tender (painful to touch). So whuzza bigga deal? It had been palpable (can be felt) for months already but had never grown this big although it's still not visible. Cabaran.


Today, I'll be seeing my parents, insya Allah. Alhamdulillah, my mother is finally accepting the fact that I'm having major depression + initially posttraumatic disorder. Ada yang memaksa untuk cepat sembuh, tapi hakikatnya, purata masa yang diperlukan untuk recovery adalah agak-agak 3 bulan. Jadi, berhenti memaksa. Had been worrying that she thought I'm faking things like I used to. I wasn't and am not a nice person, truthfully. Tetapi, aku terpaksa jumpa mereka sambil memakai bandage. Cabaran.


Today, I'll be seeing a general practitioner. Hopefully his/her attitude will not be as bad as the previous one I saw a few days ago. Cabaran.


Today, this very second, I am once again writing down my complaints. I like to complain, don't I? Cabaran.

p/s: I slept around 5am. It's 7.00am right now and I just woke up a few minutes ago and it's sorta tough to get back to sleep now. Tolcha Tolcha Told yaaa.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

defensive mode

This is my life and I'm responsible for my every action. You, you, and you don't get to decide for me.

This is the balance I had been working my arse off to achieve and I won't let anyone disrupt it. Be it my friend, enemy, or whoever you think you are.

Those are the people I'm happy with and I will protect them (esp. her) with all my heart and strength... and 'those people' aren't who you can easily guess to be.

This is my problem and it's up to me to solve it myself with God's will. It's not up to you to push me against my will and off my limits. I'd welcome opinions, though, but not forces.

This is Nur Zahirah binti Abdul Rahim bin Daud bin Hussin bin Ngah bin Ibrahim and not another person whose mental and emotions you can meddle with your freaking television/game-influenced theories. Face the frigging fact that real life isn't a drama. I'm not your fugging lab rat.

This time it will be according to my convenience and not yours because you had been too much of a liability to me.

This is my anger-filled confessions and I don't give a damn whether you'd like to call me whatever shit you had been labelling me with, because that's how I had been treated for too long already. I can't change one's mind, obviously, but I can try show one the path, can't I?

This is my self-centered entry. Let me be. Because you had been looking at each other too long that you tend to miss other's tortured expressions. Whatever you think of others might not be right. Your senses has their limit, in case you didn't know.

This is me and I loathe your stupid, almost nonsensical theories. Take them off my sight. Yes, in case you didn't notice, I actually dislike you even from the first glance.

p/s: Whoever thinks that this entry is about him/her... think twice, no. Thrice, or maybe more... because it might not be that way.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The balance I had been trying to establish for more than a fortnight was destroyed in just minutes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And so, I choose to dissociate myself from you, you, you, you, you, and you.

exhale all my frustration out

"You see what you want to see"... but that's just something lots of people said. I don't know its origin and I do not intend to find out. However, a small part of me disagrees with that. Should it be, "You tend to see what you want to see"?


So what's the deal with it?


Today, I looked at something which contradicts to this one thing I had believed till today. Could it be a form of punishment for my previous wrongdoings? Then, I think I deserve it. My chest aches looking at it. My head feels dizzy just thinking of it. My mind is confused comparing the past and present. I dare not think of its future then.


Oh well... Life is full of surprises. Keane's Everybody's Changing is such a perfect song for this. Fiza, thanks for staying by my side through thick and thin. I mean it... thanks, dear :')

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

idgs

What should you do when... you know your friends aren't doing the right thing and talking to that person is equivalent to talking to the wall... except for the fact the bacteriae that we exhale actually stick to the wall, and a human can easily wash them off one's face with antiseptic wash or cleanser.


... people tend to forget this - seek to understand than to be understood.


Today, my condition worsened. Someone said something, but it's always my fault that I think too much. So, I'm blaming nobody here. And I think I just said very bad things to someone.


Knowing I have a lot of 'it' to be wasted... I didn't mind much wasting a little bit more.


Why can't people understand, that the words, "Stop frowning and start smiling", or anything of its equivalence don't always work. Things don't really work out like they played in TVs.


By the way, you-know-who-you-are, sorry... aku banyak cakap taik pada kau. Sorry, but I'm currently in one of those episodes. I know... I'm wearing you guys off. It's not THAT necessary to deal with me.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

terbaek

Is it just me or does misspelling malay words is becoming a trend nowadays? Hohololo~


David Cook's version of Always Be My Baby is good :D Tadi terdengar diFlyFM, balik terus download. Talking about downloading... I know, it's unethical, but hey, I'm suddenly in the mood of buying original CDs. Perhaps it's partly contributed by how 'fantabulous' the internet connection is. Clueless whether it's true or not, but Reader's Digest did report on bandwith running out in a couple of years time. Facebook addicts will be the first line to be in rage if that was to happen :P Embarrassingly, I think I'm one of them. Mwuuu... this profile networking website is draining the efficiency out of us, THAT - You'll have to admit.


Today was sort of crazy. Yesterday's a good friend's burfday. Today's my beloved sister's burfday and how disappointing it is, kredit tarak, tak dapat message atau call dia. Will postpone posting entries on them to this evening. I lost count of the syisha bongs today... which is not good :P Especially since I'm trying to go slower on them... it's twice per week now. Hopefully that rate will not increase... hm.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

a turning point



Yesterday, our usual syisha session was resumed after a hiatus of almost a week! O_O! I still can't believe I made it through :') Jolo jah... but honestly, the place (near Bank Islam Kubang Kerian and Zuzu Inn) wasn't that nice. I give it a verdict of 1.5/10. If only the owner of the restaurant made more effort to make the place more attractive. Well, a few warm lights and clearing of the nearby bush will do at least.


Just recently, my sleep cycle was restored. Tiada lagi tidur pada pukul 6-7pagi :) Although my sleep is occasionally disrupted for no reason (or maybe there ARE reasons that I hadn't figured out).


The new layout of Facebook is somehow annoying... but I guess that's only for people like us who are having 'extremely fantabulous' internet connection.


Lapar ni, padahal baru makan pukul 1tengah hari tadi :P





This is the very first person who asked me to follow his blog and yes, he is none and nevertheless, Taqim, my junior, who might be the most positive person I had ever met on earth. The very first time I noticed him was right after my band's first ever performance. Dia sedang menjalankan aktiviti sehariannya iaitu 'fogging' dan memberi 'feedback' tentang kualiti bunyi persembahan kami. The first thought that struck me was, "Rempit. Angker kah?". Ironically, he turned out to be a very positive person and his optimism is somehow contagious! No kiddinggg! Pergilah baca blog dia, mungkin kalian akan terfikir, "Pa dia tah budak ni", but end up laughing your heart out or at least smile in the end.


Whoa, it had been a very long while since I last blogged about someone else. Selfish bastard kah aku selama ini? Mungkin... mungkin... tapi tak terlambat untuk berubah :) Will post more about others in the future ^_^


Turning point, baby, turrrrrrning point! Thank God :D


p/s: Will be visiting Dr Zarina for my second time. Hopefully my prognosis will be good, ameeen...

Friday, October 23, 2009

moi chicka

In the end, the night passed just like that. No wind, just a few drops of rain that were tapping lightly on my shoulder. No excessive emission of CO nor CO2. Not much of input except for an unexpected news from Mus but certainly not from any textbook. No movie or gobbling snacks. Not much of talking nonsense except when I accidently stalked Kucheng chatting with... gagaga. Just a long anticipation which ended with... hm... I'd better stop at this point or I'll start feeling miserable myself.


You know the feeling of being pulled down sampai terjatuh macam nangka busuk at the time when you're thinking, "Yesssss, this is going to be perfect, at lasttttt!", but oh, well... we can only plan. The Creator knows best and is indeed the almighty one. Ah... that reminds me of our previous performance... LOL.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

heart beat

Finally, we're (those in Kelantan, Kedah, and Terengganu) approaching weekends :) It's de-stress time, but... Mus, Elly, and other Health Sciences students are about to enter their study week which means exams are looming over them. So, I'm not sure whether dragging them to either Cherang or Ridel RL will be a good idea. Uncle Rezza is away to Nilai. Basically, almost everybody isn't available except for Roy and Ifa.


In conclusion.................... to go out or not to go out? For a start, I have tons of studies to do and Mr. Brain is functioning better than it had been in weeks, input is increasing (although it hasn't fully restored), finally! Praises to God, my life is returning to its balanced state. It's a slow process, but I think I can live with that :)


I may or may not break down again while facing my 'tests', but in the mean time, please be kind and support me ya now that I had lost a few people's support? Douzo!


Am still trying to unstick the pages of my Snell's Clinical Neuroanatomy textbook. Gah... I already severed so many pages in that process bare-handedly, should really think of another method. SOON. The book still smells of coffee.


"... dia ada banyak side-effects. Cubalah withdraw gradually, eh?", recalling what Ese had said about these antidepressants I'm taking. He's right (and I dare not argue with him since he's already a final year medical student), but... I'd rather vomit everyday than having my mood and studies going down the drain. Sekarang tak dapat makan nasi lebih daripada separuh senduk sekali makan. Tak apalah... lauk lain kan ada lagi. Ini pun masih rasa nak muntah. It feels like... someone is twisting my stomach and choking me lightly. In the same time... I'll have to remind myself again and again to always remember The Creator as advised by so many people. I might do this hateful act again in the future, but I'll try to slowly stop the habit.


Let's just say... I need time and not force.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

kenapa termenung?

I dropped countless tears as I read a message from my elder sister, Wani:

Remember:If a person could not bear the worst of you, then he or she definitely
does not deserve the best of you.


There are so many thoughts trapped in me, waiting to be recorded in this blog, but I can't do that. Not anymore. Or else, I'll be considered as 'telling my problem to the whole world'.


Oh, well, at least, I still have this bandage, imagination, and tears to cure my pain although at a very small scale.


Is it just a matter of time till I lose my sanity? Please say 'no'.


You had seen how miserable I was when I had to let 'that person' go. You should know better.


Oh, God... please give me time to mend my heart. And please open their heart to accept my weaknesses. I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... Please give me time...


Whatever it is... I think I'll just annoy one after another person out there. *zipped my mouth* Wassalam.

it's okay, Zahirah

Oh, well... now, it seems that even my blog annoys certain people. I'm sorry but I don't think I'm going to stop blogging. This is the only place that I feel comfortable telling my stories... well change that 'feel' to 'felt'.


Please read the datas in this medical journal to avoid misunderstanding. Please read pamphlets on 'Unipolar Disorder/Depression' as well.


I think I just lost the support I had for months in just a night. Hwargh. Life's like that, isn't it? Life's like that. Life's like that. And I can do nothing about it. There's a benefit the bandage is here ;)


I'm as happy as a newborn.

Monday, October 19, 2009

i heard your suitcase say goodbye

"I wanna know when you were down and drowned", sang Bon Jovi in I'll Be There For You.


One by one they go.


"I wish I had never met or at least knew a few people, because then, I'd be happier"... but those are words of an ungrateful human. I wish... I can be stronger with time, effort, and God's will, so that I can face whatever obstacles or challenges that are thrown at me. I need strength.


Surprise, surprise. Chest is aching again and retchings are here. Bye.

terang itu matahari?

I am the person you don't have to be sensitive with.

I am the person you may use to reach others and achieve your numerous agendas.

I am the person you may toy her emotions with until she finally breaks.

I am the person you may slash with all your might.

I am the person you may step on.

I am the unhappy person who you might think is just being pretentious.



My chest is aching. My abdominal muscles are repeatetively contracting as usual. I feel like vomiting, but if I do so, all the food will be wasted. This is bad... really. Yes, I am pretentious, I am a drama queen, I may be everything bad you might think of, but I have this overrated thing named 'feeling' after all. You know what... it is so damned tiring to hear the same insult year after year. There's a limit to everything, and that's the limit of my patience.


I'm sorry for not being expressive or frank enough to shoot you with angry words or actions, but that's just... not my style and you, as a friend, should understand better. Not everyone can be made understood a fact by force. Not everyone can accept harsh words. Yes, I am melancholic. I'm sorry for not being your perfect friend, but this is me. Sometimes, you're so amazing in the sense that... how wonderful you may appear to me one second and become worse than an obvious foe the next second. No, these words aren't directed to one person, but a few others too. Feel glad and flattered, 'friends', because you are now one of the reasons this 'thing' is dropping once again and that 'thing' is reopened.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

dear medication, why aren't you kicking in at the right time?

This ain't good, geez arse.


These antidepressants are killing my appetite. Thinking on the brighter side... I actually restrained myself from vomiting after eating half a hotdog today :) And that was my food of the day. Better than previous days, at least. I feel a wave of retchings coming in now :(


Tried to close my eyes an hour ago, but failed to do so. The reason is... a few hours ago, while Roy, Elly, Rezza, Fiza, Wiki, and I were on our way to our usual hangout spot, something happened among a few of us... to cut things short, I'll just say... it wasn't a pleasant memory at all. My heart was pumping like shit. 'Twas just a relatively petty matter/incident, but reminded me of an incident that's way worse than that. Both parties were at fault though... One of them provoked the other, and the opposite had probably exploded. Whatever it is, I'm now stucked with that scene in my head and still trying to work my way to a good sleep. Hope things will improve between you guys. There isn't any relationship without a few bumps.


In a few hours time, will be driving Yiying, Yanti, and my way to our foster parents' house in Besut, Terengganu, insya Allah. Will have to dress one of my limbs with a bandage. Hm...


I want to write more, but something is making its way out of my gastrointestinal tract. Marvelous.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

sometimes, silence is the best.

Slow Motion by Third Eye Blind.


Gah... days of having the entrance to my stomach imaginarily blocked are very tiring. I used to be allergic only to dairy products, you see.


Looked on the left side of my blogsite. Read the details on 'Arek Iso Pie?' column. Whoa... where did that positive person go?


I can barely pull a sincere smile nowadays... which makes looking at my latest photos very frustrating. Senyuman palsu habis.


I want to eat so much, but considering its consequences... A TOTAL TURN OFF. Dude, at this rate, I might build my own 'six-packs' just out of vomiting (vomiting causes abdominal muscles to contract and increase the pressure in our abdomen, hence expelling everything out).


Yesterday, I did something again while hanging out with 'em and it somehow bugged the people around me... which made me feel guilty. So, I made this decision - not to hang out with 'em everynight. I mean, let's face the truth - hanging out every night drains the energy out of you guys. I might need only 2-3 hours of sleep everyday due to this condition, but you guys need more of it. It's okay not to 'pantau' me everyday. Seeing all of you getting more tired from day to day only makes me feel more miserable. Tonight will be about restraining myself from going out, insya Allah. Whatever I do during that time shall be kept to myself.


Sekarang, bangun tidur sahaja, pandang ke siling sambil hati berkata, "Yet another day to face". Belum apa-apa lagi dah mula kurang semangat. Annoying ka tak aku ni.


Change of topic. Feeling used is so crappy. Crap. Crap. Crappy. I wish 'those people' would gather their balls and tell me their real intentions. Action speaks louder than words okay.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

relax, take it easy

"Mung keno suko lebih sikit, Z", kata Remy. "Acu mu bangun tidur ja senyum selalu", sambungnya sambil menarik penjuru mulutnya dengan jari supaya mukanya nampak seperti sedang senyum. "Aku rasa mung fikir banyak sangat ni", sambut Matming pula. Raut wajahnya antara nak senyum atau tak, saya pun tak pasti. Hatiku pula menjawab, "Photographic memory membuatkan aku sangat sukar untuk melupakan suatu 'scene' itu. Tapi, ada seronoknya ada photographic memory. Senang baca dan hafal nota". Keras pula hati ini, tapi ya... sebelum ini, photographic memory aku sangat kuat. Jadi, apa-apa event yang signifikan sangat senang untuk muncul semula dalam fikiran. Mengikut kajian, orang yang mempunyai photographic memory sememangnya berisiko tinggi untuk mendapat depresi.


"Z... cuba mung buat ke aku benda tu", Roy said, asking me to repeat one of my self-inflicted injuries on him. "Kenapa kau rasa aku pendam semua fikiran ini? Sebab aku tak mahu tengok kalian risau. Kalau itu pun aku tak dapat tanggung, apatah lagi cuba cederakan kawan sendiri", my heart complained.


"Z, you're not alone, okay?", Kucheng repeatedly said to me. Yes, Kucheng, I now know that... although I'm a little hurt that I'm hearing almost nothing from the people I grew up with :'( But it's okay. I have the rest now in my life. "Kau kena stop depend on parents kau untuk buat kau happylah, Z. You have to start living for yourself", Wiki scolded me. "Tapi... aku cuma mahu yang terbaik untuk Umi and Ayah. Macam mana kalau silap-silap, aku jadi anak derhaka? Astaghfirullah...", my heart said. Mungkin seumur hidup sentiasa cuba impress mereka.


In the meantime, I really need time to calm myself down. I know I need to change myself about certain things, but... right now, I can't really accept any pressure without retalliating. Insya Allah, with time.


I think I need to get antiemetics soon. I keep vomiting out the food that I ate. Rosaklah lama-lama gigi aku kena jus gastrik. Mwuu...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

my heart, liver, and kidneys

Thank you. I can't thank you guys enough for.............................


... all those supportive messages from acquintances and friends.


... 'pantauan' by Rezza, Matmin, Mus, Wiki, Kucheng, Elly, Roy, Jijah, Dr. Khafizah, Ecah, and my closest friend here, Fiza. Maaf Rezza, sebab aku terasa seperti menyusahkan kau bila kau call atau message tengah-tengah malam untuk memantau keadaan dan mengajak aku keluar walaupun tak dinafikan timing anda sangat tepat :'O


... Ese kerana nasihat-nasihat yang kadangkala menyakitkan telinga yang mendengar atau mata yang membaca :)


... Umi kerana cuba memahami Ira walaupun... hm.


... Dr. Zarina for guiding me through this problem.


... PBL mates for understanding that I'm actually having problem although I doubt that all of you know the real deal.


... God for giving me the strength to go through this and God's numerous known and unknown wonders.


I apologize from the bottom of my heart if ever I had made any of you worried. Although I have to admit that I can't really laugh or smile sincerely anymore, I'll try my best to appreciate the values of life (quoting Mus). I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to change my mentality on certain issues in such a short period. I'm sorry food for vomiting you out. I'll try, I'll try, really, but please bear with me if ever I have nasty thoughts in my head again or even repeated any ridiculous act... because I don't intend or want to have them trapped in me, myself, but there are lots of things that are out of my control. Hopefully I'll be more optimistic in the future. It's time to give these eyes a rest. Goodnight and wassalam.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

out of guilt

So, I paid a trip to the psychiatrist after being referred there by my personal advisor, Dr. Khafizah, this morning.

Diagnosis : Major depression (apart from post-traumatic stress initially)
Management : Escitalopram 10mg (for 2 weeks)


Thanks, dear thief, for exacerbating the signs and symptoms in me. Thanks. See you in after-life.


My heart was racing as I walked slowly towards the psychiatric clinic in Hospital Universiti Sains Malaysia (HUSM). So many thoughts were knocking against the walls of my brain. This very thought won over the rest - Mesti orang rasa kau gila lepas ni, but then again... I'm still rapidly counting the number of people who misunderstood me. A few more to be added to the list wouldn't hurt... hopefully. I felt like running away as I reached the waiting lounge, but remembering how much I had made my friends and Wani (yes, I didn't tell this to Umi and Ayah for certain reasons) worry again, I decided to stay.


Entered the room. Talked and talked and talked to Dr. Zarina. Cried and cried and cried.


It turned out that I have many unresolved conflicts that I am consistently battling within myself, unconsciously. The thing about them is... they started to settle in me when I was a kid and had been growing since then. Finally, negligence, abuse (this appears to be one of the main reasons), anger, blames, and wrong choices are taking their toll. My problem is... I have the tendency to make myself appear strong for the good of others despite how unsettled and unhappy I am (but that's just my point of view). There was this one time when self-inflicted injury was a trend. Frankly, I was sorta influenced by it, but later, while everyone grew up and out of the trend, I continued and 'progressed' to other worse forms. Soon, it became a habit and I somehow became suicidal, but I dare not write down what I had done before. Let them be a secret between a few close ones and I.


Doc also said that I'm actually having post-traumatic stress disorder although I thought that I had let the 'incident' go. The most important things are... I'm most sensitive not towards the things that I had lost, but they are actually the responses from my beloved ones. Furthermore, I have the thought of, "I can no longer turn towards my parents, my siblings, nor my friends (because there's no way they will completely understand). I am stucked alone", which is dangerous because with that, I tend to mask myself with a happy face, but my emotions are deteriorating with time. It is to the extent that I automatically lock my problems away when I'm with my friends, and dwell myself in them later.


Rupa-rupanya, cuba menahan diri dari 'melebih-lebih sedih' pun agak bahaya. Tanpa sedar, diri bergaduh dengan diri sendiri. Dan rupa-rupanya, saya banyak menyembunyikan perasaan daripada orang lain (walaupun yang terdekat), padahal diri sendiri ingat dah cukup 'expressive'. Rupa-rupanya selama ini hanya 'expressive' benda yang tak penting saja.


Jadi, doc bagi antidepressants. Dia tanya samada mahu psychotherapy (one-to-one talk with a psychologist, dan bukan macam kena electric shock okay!). Jadual macam packed. So I said... it depends, and she said, "So, I'll see you in 2 weeks time. Kalau antidepressants tak cukup, kita try psychotherapy juga ya?" (+/-). "Okay. Terima kasih, Dr. Assalaamu'alaikum".


Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Dan kawan-kawan, saya harap kalian tidak akan salah anggap dengan apa yang saya alami ya.

Monday, October 12, 2009

tembak ja lah diri sendiri

The thing about behaving so boyish is... people tend to underestimate how sensitive you are and this very fact eats me up gradually. Kalau kecil hati, mereka kata, "Tak rock lah". Kalau tak kecil hati, mereka kata, "Gila layan kau ni", dan mereka terus melakukan perkara yang menyakitkan hati. Tapi saya kan dah dewasa. Perlukah untuk terlampau tunjuk perasaan sendiri? It seems like (it's just an observation okay)... the more idiotic and fragile you behave, the more feminine you are. Hopefully, I'm wrong about this. Tetapi, kerana terlampau menyorokkan perasaan sebenarlah emosiku jadi lesu. Sudah dua hari saya tidur sambil menangis saja. Rasa agak bodoh pun ada juga lebih-lebih lagi bila melihat mata yang tampak serupa pau kari ayam. Rasa seperti langsung tak mahu balik Subang pun ada. Rasa seperti mahu melarikan diri ke tempat yang tiada siapa pun boleh jumpa saya pun ada. Tangan kiri sudah penuh. Semalam, kiranya memang tak makan apa-apa kecuali beberapa keping kerepek dan 4 sudu kuey teow yang digulung. Hm... benda-benda macam inilah yang semakin bunuh selera aku.


Anyway, there's this person who typed a word that I never expected to come from him/her. Punyalah chaokia aku sekarang, itu pun boleh menangis. Truth to be told, all of a sudden, I felt like I lost all the respect I had once gained. Whoa... are these few days about losing stuff? Whoops, I forgot... are these few months about losing stuff? Hopefully tomorrow (today, technically) will be a brighter one for me, but... I'm not sure about that. Not with eyes this swollen.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

when words had failed me



Yesterday felt like it couldn't get any crazier or worse.



My handphone was stolen. My only handphone (yes, I don't own other handphone) that contains numerous lecturers' handphone numbers, very valuable photos, flight schedule, plans, songs, birthdays, recordings, and so many more. The culprit entered my room when I was bathing. For God's sake, as a batch leader, I need to contact so many people. Costed me a fortune (di kala kewangan sudah sempit). More over, I was somehow blamed for the loss by a few people, and one of them is my most important person. As a few had already known, in the past four months, numerous great yet terrible (terrible to the extent that I don't dare to write them down here) things fell upon me. Most of them costed my family and I a fortune too. Multiply the price of the handphone to dozens. Many might say, "It's just a handphone", but a few who know will know how easy my emotions and mental can be affected now that I had gone through so much in such a short interval.



Then, as I had posted before, my band performed yesterday along with another fellow band from Persatuan Sains Kesihatan (PSK) for the closing ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 2009/10. Initially, everything was great although our first song was played on a fast beat, but everybody held on well and I think we had pulled it off well. Then, came our second appearance on stage to perform Revolusi by Bunkface. We even brought a friend over to play the drum and rented a bass amplifier. A few seconds after we had started, just as I was thinking that this is going to be great, everything was going so perfectly and as we entered the "Aku bukan mahukan bayangan resah mu..." part, everything went dark. Yes, people, a black out. Almost everybody (even the VIPs) waited until the emcee finally announced, "... masalah teknikal, jadi, dengan ini Ekspo Kampus 2009 berakhir..." (can't remember the exact sentence).


The amazing FACTS about it is... the power supply for other parts (eg. Dewan Utama) of Ekspo Kampus was not disconnected nor experienced short circuit. Immediately after our first performance, my junior, Fiza (Intan Hafizah) told me about a lady asking her to leave the event. There were also other news related to the incident, but finally, everything was hanging just like that- stringless and untraceable. Only God knows what really happened on that night. If it's to be a sabotage case... then, know that you had just put so many people down, belittled our efforts (all those renting, practices, and so many more), and this:

"Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda: Ketika Allah mengumpulkan orang-orang yang terdahulu dan orang-orang yang terkemudian pada Hari Kiamat kelak, maka setiap orang yang melakukan PENGKHIANATAN akan diberikan tanda sebuah bendera yang bertulis: Ini adalah bukti tanda pengkhiatannya kepada Polan bin Polan- Hadis Ibnu Umar r.a"

- taken from Aisyah Reduzan's Fb note.

And I thought I had recovered from the past incidents, but I actually have not... I guess. For the very first time in my life (as far as I can recall), my appetite was gone. Tadi kononnya nak keluar makan dengan syisha clique, then, baru seciput makan, rasa penat dan muak mengunyah, perut pula seolah-olah menolak yang seciput itu keluar kembali. Akhirnya, tekak yang menahan mengalah lalu semuanya pun keluar kembali. Kemudian, tachycardia pula. Seterusnya rasa nak pitam. Balik bilik, pandang laptop dan melayari Facebook serta bercerita dengan Fiza seperti biasa. Pandang lagi laptop, menangis sekali lagi. These lacrimal glands, their secretory apparatus, and the eyes are already so sore from producing so much secretion.

Last midnight, repeated my old habit again. Roy dan Mus dua-dua pun marah. Tapi, kalian... secara jujur, aku berasa sangat susah untuk berhenti buat macam ini. Lebih-lebih lagi apabila emosi tak stabil. Telinga pula terngiang-ngiang ayat seorang ahli keluarga yang sangat saya sayangi katakan. Hati pun kembali gundah.

Makasih, Taqim, sebab main lagu Kuatkan Aku oleh Vegetos pada hari kelmarin. Syiok lagunya.

Fiza (roommate), kita minta maaf sangat-sangat sebab selalu buat awak risau... tapi sekarang, kita perlukan masa. I think I'm already at my limit.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

makasih T_T




FINALLY, I got to claim my birthday present which Wani had mailed ages ago! Kerana aku terlampau hebat, barulah selalu teringat mahu ke pejabat Desasiswa (tempat untuk tuntut barang Poslaju) apabila sudah hampir pukul 5 petang. Biasalah sini... 4.40pm, orang pun sudah mula lesap. Wani, selendang itu sangat lawa dan corak dia tak pernah aku jumpa!!! Serious crapppppppp! Makasih, Wani dan Kak Jasmin T_T I think I should pay a visit to Kak Jasmin's shop once I come home. Baiklah... mula mengumpul duit :D


I still can't take my mind off our new cat, Joni... as Wani had told me a couple of days ago. I wonder how come she hasn't uploaded a picture of him. Kalau dapat tengok, bolehlah saya sekurang-kurangnya mengubat rindu ke kampung halaman. Aish... macam duduk di perantauan saja aku ni.


So, I had successfully dragged Elly into Band-ner in Supik (tolonglah pehe, masih susah terima nama ini :P) :D Hopefully we'll get to play Sigur Rós's Hoppípolla soon. Rezza, aku tak kisah walaupun kau kata lagu itu lagu *******n! Talking about the band... Guys, we're going to perform once more for the closing ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 09/10 which will be held uhm... on Saturday night... if I'm not mistaken. Come and watch us if you're free :) There will be lots more performances by other clubs. Macam biasa, yang paling aku tunggu-tunggukan ialah 24 Seasons Drum punya persembahanlah.


Yesterday, the nightout with Kucheng, Elly, Mus, Rezza, Roy, Taqim, Mat Min, and Apiz ended so late that I only got 2 hours of sleep before attending the 1 + 2 hours of lectures today... tapi salah diri sendiri juga sebab semalam terlampau 'stressed' (dan akhirnya 'de-stressed' sudah). Rasa macam mayat hidup dah ini. Mahu tidur, tapi mahu blogging juga. Tolonglah pehe... :P Later, at 3.00pm I'll have to go to HEP office to meet Mr Lee from LY Studio. AKHIRNYA! Abang Mi (dari HEP) setuju panggil orang untuk baiki barang di studio itu lepas pujuk dia sikit tadi. Harap-harap kami tak perlu sewa bass lagi selepas ini. Pitih takdok dah lo ni.


p/s: Macam biasa, bila tak cukup tidur, isi kandungan blog pun jadi tunggang langgang. Gomen!

Monday, October 5, 2009

bloated

I didn't have the guts to tell this to 'em syisha clique, but... since yesterday I've been feeling so bloated that I had to run like an athlete to the toilet once we had reached USM. Itulah... degil lagi. Mereka bising-bising dah semalam sebab makan aiskrim yang ada dalam ABC special. Masa di KFC tu, perut dah rasa macam dia tengah buat drumroll ditambah dengan gitar yang distorted dengan teruk sekali bunyinya, sehinggakan aku tak berjaya habiskan air yang datang sekali dengan Meltz itu. Sampai hari ni mudah ja aku 'relax'kan external anal sphincter aku... T_T


*************************************************

Kata hati...
You're like an opened book, you know that?
A tool for your success.
That's what I had been to you all these while, hadn't I?
And yes, I'm just playing along with your games.
It's sort of amusing to see that "Aku menang", facial expression of yours...
because I'm going to pull you down and down and DOWN.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

spasm!!!!

Honest-freaking-ly, this month of Syawal has been a very busy one for me. Akhirnya, hari ini saya berjaya menghabiskan laundry yang tertunggak hampir seminggu. Disebabkan peristiwa sebulan yang lepas, jadi tak berani pula untuk menghantar laundry ke dobi (previous incidents had taught me that car is not that invulnerable)... so I resorted to handwash everything (exception to bedsheets only). Buffs up the biceps, baby! LOL~


Well, for a start, just a few days after Raya hols ended, we (Band-ner in Supik, mace demo bagi nama ko sek-sek kito) performed for Malam Raya Majlis Penghuni Desasiswa Murni in front of a few hundreds crowd. 30th September 2009 marks the date I performed with them (Amirul, Ajon, and Rezza) for the very first time :) Feedbacks from the crowd were satisfying, thank God... although I'm still trying to adapt being teased, "Yuna", by so many people... in which case, I have to admit that I strongly dislike. For God's sake, Yuna was not the reason I started wearing shawls. Anithlah yang mempengaruhi saya untuk pakai selendang... and the Arab postgraduates in my university who wear them very beautifully. Yuna was certainly not the reason I started playing guitar. It's the unbearable feeling of not knowing how to play the guitar when most of my family members (Ayah, Wani, and Along) know that kept me motivated in the early days.


Mulalah tu aku nak emosional tentang benda remeh. Okay, anyway, a new medical chapter will be starting soon (technically, it starts today) and Malaysia Qualification Agency (MQA) paid their visit to the Dental School of USM... and that means tons of works for batch leaders (akulah yang jadi korban dalam kes ini)... which also means, marathons between my hostel and my school. Then, there was Malam Raya Persatuan Sains Pergigian (which was over a few hours ago). Macam biasa, setiap batch kena buat persembahan. So I was in charge of the music and anything related to multimedia. My memory card and internal handphone memory chose this time to break down... p e r f e c t . Then, Band-ner in Supik (unbearable sungguh nak tulis nama ini) will be performing again this Friday (wink, wink, marilah kalau free :D) during the opening ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 2009/2010. Hopefully things will go well, insya Allah. I honestly think that every undergraduates should be well-trained in tech stuff, particularly, the computer. Since not many are able to operate simple softwares such as Adobe Photoshop, Macromedia Flash MX, and yaddah yaddah, the few ones who can had to carry out all tasks that involve usage of such softwares... which also means that I'll have to email Dr Azizah a new name tag design for CFCS program which will be resuming soon in early November. It was previously halted due to spread of swine flu. Oh yeah, talking of Ekspo Kampus 09/10... it's drawing nearer. It's so so so near already. HiComs apa lagi... Panic at the Disco lah. The months of plannings will finally show their result in these few days. Nervous, nervous. Kalau ada di Kelantan, marilah datang ke USM pada 8, 9, dan 10 Oktober 09. There are seriously dozens of activities for you guys to enjoy. Okay, aku berasa lame-o-supreme-o untuk mempromosikan benda ini di sini. Takpalah... dah tanggungjawab. Then, there's paediatric conservative dentistry class. Should start collecting my baby teeth soon. Very soon.


I complain a lot, don't I?... but truthfully, I enjoy living a hectic life :) Thank God for it... dan aktiviti syisha masih berjalan seperti biasa dengan Elly, Kucheng, Mus, dan Wiki. Rindu pula sahur dengan mereka -_-"

Had to do two appearances on stage. Stole photos from anak Abbas.
Will upload more photos, with God's will... or maybe you can just check the photo album on Facebook.