Friday, October 30, 2009

hm hm

Heart is fluttering! Gyaaaa~ Tasukete, hontou niiiii tasukete~


Today, I vomited a lot. Heck lots of vomit, and my antidepressants were out quite some time ago, which means I hadn't been taking them nor am I taking hematinics (supplementary for things to make your blood). But still... I think my lactose intolerance is worsening with time. Dude, makan roti pun perut mula buat drumroll. Cabaran.

Today, my insomnic (difficulty in sleeping or staying asleep) episode is haunting me... once again. It was hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) for a few days. I slept for almost 20 hours per day. Last morning, I woke up acceptably early and yet despite countless attempts to get back to sleep since a few hours ago, here I am, wide awake, looking at the computer. Kalau dapat tidur pun tadi, 4.00pagi+ pasti bangun kembali. Dan bangun lagi kemudiannya. Dan bangun lagi. Dan bangun lagi. Cabaran.

Today, my appetite is killed yet again. You know how hard for that to happen since... I can still eat a lot even when I'm as sick as a dog, hence, explaining my weight haha. Malam semalam, selera makan kembali, pagi ini, selera makan mati. Semua yang dimakan pun mahu keluar kembali. Tolonglah pehe... I paid for those food. Duitku terbazir begitu sahaja. Cabaran.

Today, the size of my occipital lymph node (numerous organs in your body involved in activating your white blood cells and in my case, it's the one situated at the back of your neck, near your skull) hasn't reduced as far as I'm concerned. It's still tender (painful to touch). So whuzza bigga deal? It had been palpable (can be felt) for months already but had never grown this big although it's still not visible. Cabaran.

Today, I'll be seeing my parents, insya Allah. Alhamdulillah, my mother is finally accepting the fact that I'm having major depression + initially posttraumatic disorder. Ada yang memaksa untuk cepat sembuh, tapi hakikatnya, purata masa yang diperlukan untuk recovery adalah agak-agak 3 bulan. Jadi, berhenti memaksa. Had been worrying that she thought I'm faking things like I used to. I wasn't and am not a nice person, truthfully. Tetapi, aku terpaksa jumpa mereka sambil memakai bandage. Cabaran.

Today, I'll be seeing a general practitioner. Hopefully his/her attitude will not be as bad as the previous one I saw a few days ago. Cabaran.

Today, this very second, I am once again writing down my complaints. I like to complain, don't I? Cabaran.

p/s: I slept around 5am. It's 7.00am right now and I just woke up a few minutes ago and it's sorta tough to get back to sleep now. Tolcha Tolcha Told yaaa.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

defensive mode

This is my life and I'm responsible for my every action. You, you, and you don't get to decide for me.

This is the balance I had been working my arse off to achieve and I won't let anyone disrupt it. Be it my friend, enemy, or whoever you think you are.

Those are the people I'm happy with and I will protect them (esp. her) with all my heart and strength... and 'those people' aren't who you can easily guess to be.

This is my problem and it's up to me to solve it myself with God's will. It's not up to you to push me against my will and off my limits. I'd welcome opinions, though, but not forces.

This is Nur Zahirah binti Abdul Rahim bin Daud bin Hussin bin Ngah bin Ibrahim and not another person whose mental and emotions you can meddle with your freaking television/game-influenced theories. Face the frigging fact that real life isn't a drama. I'm not your fugging lab rat.

This time it will be according to my convenience and not yours because you had been too much of a liability to me.

This is my anger-filled confessions and I don't give a damn whether you'd like to call me whatever shit you had been labelling me with, because that's how I had been treated for too long already. I can't change one's mind, obviously, but I can try show one the path, can't I?

This is my self-centered entry. Let me be. Because you had been looking at each other too long that you tend to miss other's tortured expressions. Whatever you think of others might not be right. Your senses has their limit, in case you didn't know.

This is me and I loathe your stupid, almost nonsensical theories. Take them off my sight. Yes, in case you didn't notice, I actually dislike you even from the first glance.

p/s: Whoever thinks that this entry is about him/her... think twice, no. Thrice, or maybe more... because it might not be that way.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


The balance I had been trying to establish for more than a fortnight was destroyed in just minutes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And so, I choose to dissociate myself from you, you, you, you, you, and you.

exhale all my frustration out

"You see what you want to see"... but that's just something lots of people said. I don't know its origin and I do not intend to find out. However, a small part of me disagrees with that. Should it be, "You tend to see what you want to see"?

So what's the deal with it?

Today, I looked at something which contradicts to this one thing I had believed till today. Could it be a form of punishment for my previous wrongdoings? Then, I think I deserve it. My chest aches looking at it. My head feels dizzy just thinking of it. My mind is confused comparing the past and present. I dare not think of its future then.

Oh well... Life is full of surprises. Keane's Everybody's Changing is such a perfect song for this. Fiza, thanks for staying by my side through thick and thin. I mean it... thanks, dear :')

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


What should you do when... you know your friends aren't doing the right thing and talking to that person is equivalent to talking to the wall... except for the fact the bacteriae that we exhale actually stick to the wall, and a human can easily wash them off one's face with antiseptic wash or cleanser.

... people tend to forget this - seek to understand than to be understood.

Today, my condition worsened. Someone said something, but it's always my fault that I think too much. So, I'm blaming nobody here. And I think I just said very bad things to someone.

Knowing I have a lot of 'it' to be wasted... I didn't mind much wasting a little bit more.

Why can't people understand, that the words, "Stop frowning and start smiling", or anything of its equivalence don't always work. Things don't really work out like they played in TVs.

By the way, you-know-who-you-are, sorry... aku banyak cakap taik pada kau. Sorry, but I'm currently in one of those episodes. I know... I'm wearing you guys off. It's not THAT necessary to deal with me.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Is it just me or does misspelling malay words is becoming a trend nowadays? Hohololo~

David Cook's version of Always Be My Baby is good :D Tadi terdengar diFlyFM, balik terus download. Talking about downloading... I know, it's unethical, but hey, I'm suddenly in the mood of buying original CDs. Perhaps it's partly contributed by how 'fantabulous' the internet connection is. Clueless whether it's true or not, but Reader's Digest did report on bandwith running out in a couple of years time. Facebook addicts will be the first line to be in rage if that was to happen :P Embarrassingly, I think I'm one of them. Mwuuu... this profile networking website is draining the efficiency out of us, THAT - You'll have to admit.

Today was sort of crazy. Yesterday's a good friend's burfday. Today's my beloved sister's burfday and how disappointing it is, kredit tarak, tak dapat message atau call dia. Will postpone posting entries on them to this evening. I lost count of the syisha bongs today... which is not good :P Especially since I'm trying to go slower on them... it's twice per week now. Hopefully that rate will not increase... hm.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

a turning point

Yesterday, our usual syisha session was resumed after a hiatus of almost a week! O_O! I still can't believe I made it through :') Jolo jah... but honestly, the place (near Bank Islam Kubang Kerian and Zuzu Inn) wasn't that nice. I give it a verdict of 1.5/10. If only the owner of the restaurant made more effort to make the place more attractive. Well, a few warm lights and clearing of the nearby bush will do at least.

Just recently, my sleep cycle was restored. Tiada lagi tidur pada pukul 6-7pagi :) Although my sleep is occasionally disrupted for no reason (or maybe there ARE reasons that I hadn't figured out).

The new layout of Facebook is somehow annoying... but I guess that's only for people like us who are having 'extremely fantabulous' internet connection.

Lapar ni, padahal baru makan pukul 1tengah hari tadi :P

This is the very first person who asked me to follow his blog and yes, he is none and nevertheless, Taqim, my junior, who might be the most positive person I had ever met on earth. The very first time I noticed him was right after my band's first ever performance. Dia sedang menjalankan aktiviti sehariannya iaitu 'fogging' dan memberi 'feedback' tentang kualiti bunyi persembahan kami. The first thought that struck me was, "Rempit. Angker kah?". Ironically, he turned out to be a very positive person and his optimism is somehow contagious! No kiddinggg! Pergilah baca blog dia, mungkin kalian akan terfikir, "Pa dia tah budak ni", but end up laughing your heart out or at least smile in the end.

Whoa, it had been a very long while since I last blogged about someone else. Selfish bastard kah aku selama ini? Mungkin... mungkin... tapi tak terlambat untuk berubah :) Will post more about others in the future ^_^

Turning point, baby, turrrrrrning point! Thank God :D

p/s: Will be visiting Dr Zarina for my second time. Hopefully my prognosis will be good, ameeen...

Friday, October 23, 2009

moi chicka

In the end, the night passed just like that. No wind, just a few drops of rain that were tapping lightly on my shoulder. No excessive emission of CO nor CO2. Not much of input except for an unexpected news from Mus but certainly not from any textbook. No movie or gobbling snacks. Not much of talking nonsense except when I accidently stalked Kucheng chatting with... gagaga. Just a long anticipation which ended with... hm... I'd better stop at this point or I'll start feeling miserable myself.

You know the feeling of being pulled down sampai terjatuh macam nangka busuk at the time when you're thinking, "Yesssss, this is going to be perfect, at lasttttt!", but oh, well... we can only plan. The Creator knows best and is indeed the almighty one. Ah... that reminds me of our previous performance... LOL.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

heart beat

Finally, we're (those in Kelantan, Kedah, and Terengganu) approaching weekends :) It's de-stress time, but... Mus, Elly, and other Health Sciences students are about to enter their study week which means exams are looming over them. So, I'm not sure whether dragging them to either Cherang or Ridel RL will be a good idea. Uncle Rezza is away to Nilai. Basically, almost everybody isn't available except for Roy and Ifa.

In conclusion.................... to go out or not to go out? For a start, I have tons of studies to do and Mr. Brain is functioning better than it had been in weeks, input is increasing (although it hasn't fully restored), finally! Praises to God, my life is returning to its balanced state. It's a slow process, but I think I can live with that :)

I may or may not break down again while facing my 'tests', but in the mean time, please be kind and support me ya now that I had lost a few people's support? Douzo!

Am still trying to unstick the pages of my Snell's Clinical Neuroanatomy textbook. Gah... I already severed so many pages in that process bare-handedly, should really think of another method. SOON. The book still smells of coffee.

"... dia ada banyak side-effects. Cubalah withdraw gradually, eh?", recalling what Ese had said about these antidepressants I'm taking. He's right (and I dare not argue with him since he's already a final year medical student), but... I'd rather vomit everyday than having my mood and studies going down the drain. Sekarang tak dapat makan nasi lebih daripada separuh senduk sekali makan. Tak apalah... lauk lain kan ada lagi. Ini pun masih rasa nak muntah. It feels like... someone is twisting my stomach and choking me lightly. In the same time... I'll have to remind myself again and again to always remember The Creator as advised by so many people. I might do this hateful act again in the future, but I'll try to slowly stop the habit.

Let's just say... I need time and not force.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

kenapa termenung?

I dropped countless tears as I read a message from my elder sister, Wani:

Remember:If a person could not bear the worst of you, then he or she definitely
does not deserve the best of you.

There are so many thoughts trapped in me, waiting to be recorded in this blog, but I can't do that. Not anymore. Or else, I'll be considered as 'telling my problem to the whole world'.

Oh, well, at least, I still have this bandage, imagination, and tears to cure my pain although at a very small scale.

Is it just a matter of time till I lose my sanity? Please say 'no'.

You had seen how miserable I was when I had to let 'that person' go. You should know better.

Oh, God... please give me time to mend my heart. And please open their heart to accept my weaknesses. I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... I need time... Please give me time...

Whatever it is... I think I'll just annoy one after another person out there. *zipped my mouth* Wassalam.

it's okay, Zahirah

Oh, well... now, it seems that even my blog annoys certain people. I'm sorry but I don't think I'm going to stop blogging. This is the only place that I feel comfortable telling my stories... well change that 'feel' to 'felt'.

Please read the datas in this medical journal to avoid misunderstanding. Please read pamphlets on 'Unipolar Disorder/Depression' as well.

I think I just lost the support I had for months in just a night. Hwargh. Life's like that, isn't it? Life's like that. Life's like that. And I can do nothing about it. There's a benefit the bandage is here ;)

I'm as happy as a newborn.

Monday, October 19, 2009

i heard your suitcase say goodbye

"I wanna know when you were down and drowned", sang Bon Jovi in I'll Be There For You.

One by one they go.

"I wish I had never met or at least knew a few people, because then, I'd be happier"... but those are words of an ungrateful human. I wish... I can be stronger with time, effort, and God's will, so that I can face whatever obstacles or challenges that are thrown at me. I need strength.

Surprise, surprise. Chest is aching again and retchings are here. Bye.

terang itu matahari?

I am the person you don't have to be sensitive with.

I am the person you may use to reach others and achieve your numerous agendas.

I am the person you may toy her emotions with until she finally breaks.

I am the person you may slash with all your might.

I am the person you may step on.

I am the unhappy person who you might think is just being pretentious.

My chest is aching. My abdominal muscles are repeatetively contracting as usual. I feel like vomiting, but if I do so, all the food will be wasted. This is bad... really. Yes, I am pretentious, I am a drama queen, I may be everything bad you might think of, but I have this overrated thing named 'feeling' after all. You know what... it is so damned tiring to hear the same insult year after year. There's a limit to everything, and that's the limit of my patience.

I'm sorry for not being expressive or frank enough to shoot you with angry words or actions, but that's just... not my style and you, as a friend, should understand better. Not everyone can be made understood a fact by force. Not everyone can accept harsh words. Yes, I am melancholic. I'm sorry for not being your perfect friend, but this is me. Sometimes, you're so amazing in the sense that... how wonderful you may appear to me one second and become worse than an obvious foe the next second. No, these words aren't directed to one person, but a few others too. Feel glad and flattered, 'friends', because you are now one of the reasons this 'thing' is dropping once again and that 'thing' is reopened.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

dear medication, why aren't you kicking in at the right time?

This ain't good, geez arse.

These antidepressants are killing my appetite. Thinking on the brighter side... I actually restrained myself from vomiting after eating half a hotdog today :) And that was my food of the day. Better than previous days, at least. I feel a wave of retchings coming in now :(

Tried to close my eyes an hour ago, but failed to do so. The reason is... a few hours ago, while Roy, Elly, Rezza, Fiza, Wiki, and I were on our way to our usual hangout spot, something happened among a few of us... to cut things short, I'll just say... it wasn't a pleasant memory at all. My heart was pumping like shit. 'Twas just a relatively petty matter/incident, but reminded me of an incident that's way worse than that. Both parties were at fault though... One of them provoked the other, and the opposite had probably exploded. Whatever it is, I'm now stucked with that scene in my head and still trying to work my way to a good sleep. Hope things will improve between you guys. There isn't any relationship without a few bumps.

In a few hours time, will be driving Yiying, Yanti, and my way to our foster parents' house in Besut, Terengganu, insya Allah. Will have to dress one of my limbs with a bandage. Hm...

I want to write more, but something is making its way out of my gastrointestinal tract. Marvelous.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

sometimes, silence is the best.

Slow Motion by Third Eye Blind.

Gah... days of having the entrance to my stomach imaginarily blocked are very tiring. I used to be allergic only to dairy products, you see.

Looked on the left side of my blogsite. Read the details on 'Arek Iso Pie?' column. Whoa... where did that positive person go?

I can barely pull a sincere smile nowadays... which makes looking at my latest photos very frustrating. Senyuman palsu habis.

I want to eat so much, but considering its consequences... A TOTAL TURN OFF. Dude, at this rate, I might build my own 'six-packs' just out of vomiting (vomiting causes abdominal muscles to contract and increase the pressure in our abdomen, hence expelling everything out).

Yesterday, I did something again while hanging out with 'em and it somehow bugged the people around me... which made me feel guilty. So, I made this decision - not to hang out with 'em everynight. I mean, let's face the truth - hanging out every night drains the energy out of you guys. I might need only 2-3 hours of sleep everyday due to this condition, but you guys need more of it. It's okay not to 'pantau' me everyday. Seeing all of you getting more tired from day to day only makes me feel more miserable. Tonight will be about restraining myself from going out, insya Allah. Whatever I do during that time shall be kept to myself.

Sekarang, bangun tidur sahaja, pandang ke siling sambil hati berkata, "Yet another day to face". Belum apa-apa lagi dah mula kurang semangat. Annoying ka tak aku ni.

Change of topic. Feeling used is so crappy. Crap. Crap. Crappy. I wish 'those people' would gather their balls and tell me their real intentions. Action speaks louder than words okay.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

relax, take it easy

"Mung keno suko lebih sikit, Z", kata Remy. "Acu mu bangun tidur ja senyum selalu", sambungnya sambil menarik penjuru mulutnya dengan jari supaya mukanya nampak seperti sedang senyum. "Aku rasa mung fikir banyak sangat ni", sambut Matming pula. Raut wajahnya antara nak senyum atau tak, saya pun tak pasti. Hatiku pula menjawab, "Photographic memory membuatkan aku sangat sukar untuk melupakan suatu 'scene' itu. Tapi, ada seronoknya ada photographic memory. Senang baca dan hafal nota". Keras pula hati ini, tapi ya... sebelum ini, photographic memory aku sangat kuat. Jadi, apa-apa event yang signifikan sangat senang untuk muncul semula dalam fikiran. Mengikut kajian, orang yang mempunyai photographic memory sememangnya berisiko tinggi untuk mendapat depresi.

"Z... cuba mung buat ke aku benda tu", Roy said, asking me to repeat one of my self-inflicted injuries on him. "Kenapa kau rasa aku pendam semua fikiran ini? Sebab aku tak mahu tengok kalian risau. Kalau itu pun aku tak dapat tanggung, apatah lagi cuba cederakan kawan sendiri", my heart complained.

"Z, you're not alone, okay?", Kucheng repeatedly said to me. Yes, Kucheng, I now know that... although I'm a little hurt that I'm hearing almost nothing from the people I grew up with :'( But it's okay. I have the rest now in my life. "Kau kena stop depend on parents kau untuk buat kau happylah, Z. You have to start living for yourself", Wiki scolded me. "Tapi... aku cuma mahu yang terbaik untuk Umi and Ayah. Macam mana kalau silap-silap, aku jadi anak derhaka? Astaghfirullah...", my heart said. Mungkin seumur hidup sentiasa cuba impress mereka.

In the meantime, I really need time to calm myself down. I know I need to change myself about certain things, but... right now, I can't really accept any pressure without retalliating. Insya Allah, with time.

I think I need to get antiemetics soon. I keep vomiting out the food that I ate. Rosaklah lama-lama gigi aku kena jus gastrik. Mwuu...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

my heart, liver, and kidneys

Thank you. I can't thank you guys enough for.............................

... all those supportive messages from acquintances and friends.

... 'pantauan' by Rezza, Matmin, Mus, Wiki, Kucheng, Elly, Roy, Jijah, Dr. Khafizah, Ecah, and my closest friend here, Fiza. Maaf Rezza, sebab aku terasa seperti menyusahkan kau bila kau call atau message tengah-tengah malam untuk memantau keadaan dan mengajak aku keluar walaupun tak dinafikan timing anda sangat tepat :'O

... Ese kerana nasihat-nasihat yang kadangkala menyakitkan telinga yang mendengar atau mata yang membaca :)

... Umi kerana cuba memahami Ira walaupun... hm.

... Dr. Zarina for guiding me through this problem.

... PBL mates for understanding that I'm actually having problem although I doubt that all of you know the real deal.

... God for giving me the strength to go through this and God's numerous known and unknown wonders.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart if ever I had made any of you worried. Although I have to admit that I can't really laugh or smile sincerely anymore, I'll try my best to appreciate the values of life (quoting Mus). I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to change my mentality on certain issues in such a short period. I'm sorry food for vomiting you out. I'll try, I'll try, really, but please bear with me if ever I have nasty thoughts in my head again or even repeated any ridiculous act... because I don't intend or want to have them trapped in me, myself, but there are lots of things that are out of my control. Hopefully I'll be more optimistic in the future. It's time to give these eyes a rest. Goodnight and wassalam.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

out of guilt

So, I paid a trip to the psychiatrist after being referred there by my personal advisor, Dr. Khafizah, this morning.

Diagnosis : Major depression (apart from post-traumatic stress initially)
Management : Escitalopram 10mg (for 2 weeks)

Thanks, dear thief, for exacerbating the signs and symptoms in me. Thanks. See you in after-life.

My heart was racing as I walked slowly towards the psychiatric clinic in Hospital Universiti Sains Malaysia (HUSM). So many thoughts were knocking against the walls of my brain. This very thought won over the rest - Mesti orang rasa kau gila lepas ni, but then again... I'm still rapidly counting the number of people who misunderstood me. A few more to be added to the list wouldn't hurt... hopefully. I felt like running away as I reached the waiting lounge, but remembering how much I had made my friends and Wani (yes, I didn't tell this to Umi and Ayah for certain reasons) worry again, I decided to stay.

Entered the room. Talked and talked and talked to Dr. Zarina. Cried and cried and cried.

It turned out that I have many unresolved conflicts that I am consistently battling within myself, unconsciously. The thing about them is... they started to settle in me when I was a kid and had been growing since then. Finally, negligence, abuse (this appears to be one of the main reasons), anger, blames, and wrong choices are taking their toll. My problem is... I have the tendency to make myself appear strong for the good of others despite how unsettled and unhappy I am (but that's just my point of view). There was this one time when self-inflicted injury was a trend. Frankly, I was sorta influenced by it, but later, while everyone grew up and out of the trend, I continued and 'progressed' to other worse forms. Soon, it became a habit and I somehow became suicidal, but I dare not write down what I had done before. Let them be a secret between a few close ones and I.

Doc also said that I'm actually having post-traumatic stress disorder although I thought that I had let the 'incident' go. The most important things are... I'm most sensitive not towards the things that I had lost, but they are actually the responses from my beloved ones. Furthermore, I have the thought of, "I can no longer turn towards my parents, my siblings, nor my friends (because there's no way they will completely understand). I am stucked alone", which is dangerous because with that, I tend to mask myself with a happy face, but my emotions are deteriorating with time. It is to the extent that I automatically lock my problems away when I'm with my friends, and dwell myself in them later.

Rupa-rupanya, cuba menahan diri dari 'melebih-lebih sedih' pun agak bahaya. Tanpa sedar, diri bergaduh dengan diri sendiri. Dan rupa-rupanya, saya banyak menyembunyikan perasaan daripada orang lain (walaupun yang terdekat), padahal diri sendiri ingat dah cukup 'expressive'. Rupa-rupanya selama ini hanya 'expressive' benda yang tak penting saja.

Jadi, doc bagi antidepressants. Dia tanya samada mahu psychotherapy (one-to-one talk with a psychologist, dan bukan macam kena electric shock okay!). Jadual macam packed. So I said... it depends, and she said, "So, I'll see you in 2 weeks time. Kalau antidepressants tak cukup, kita try psychotherapy juga ya?" (+/-). "Okay. Terima kasih, Dr. Assalaamu'alaikum".

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Dan kawan-kawan, saya harap kalian tidak akan salah anggap dengan apa yang saya alami ya.

Monday, October 12, 2009

tembak ja lah diri sendiri

The thing about behaving so boyish is... people tend to underestimate how sensitive you are and this very fact eats me up gradually. Kalau kecil hati, mereka kata, "Tak rock lah". Kalau tak kecil hati, mereka kata, "Gila layan kau ni", dan mereka terus melakukan perkara yang menyakitkan hati. Tapi saya kan dah dewasa. Perlukah untuk terlampau tunjuk perasaan sendiri? It seems like (it's just an observation okay)... the more idiotic and fragile you behave, the more feminine you are. Hopefully, I'm wrong about this. Tetapi, kerana terlampau menyorokkan perasaan sebenarlah emosiku jadi lesu. Sudah dua hari saya tidur sambil menangis saja. Rasa agak bodoh pun ada juga lebih-lebih lagi bila melihat mata yang tampak serupa pau kari ayam. Rasa seperti langsung tak mahu balik Subang pun ada. Rasa seperti mahu melarikan diri ke tempat yang tiada siapa pun boleh jumpa saya pun ada. Tangan kiri sudah penuh. Semalam, kiranya memang tak makan apa-apa kecuali beberapa keping kerepek dan 4 sudu kuey teow yang digulung. Hm... benda-benda macam inilah yang semakin bunuh selera aku.

Anyway, there's this person who typed a word that I never expected to come from him/her. Punyalah chaokia aku sekarang, itu pun boleh menangis. Truth to be told, all of a sudden, I felt like I lost all the respect I had once gained. Whoa... are these few days about losing stuff? Whoops, I forgot... are these few months about losing stuff? Hopefully tomorrow (today, technically) will be a brighter one for me, but... I'm not sure about that. Not with eyes this swollen.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

when words had failed me

Yesterday felt like it couldn't get any crazier or worse.

My handphone was stolen. My only handphone (yes, I don't own other handphone) that contains numerous lecturers' handphone numbers, very valuable photos, flight schedule, plans, songs, birthdays, recordings, and so many more. The culprit entered my room when I was bathing. For God's sake, as a batch leader, I need to contact so many people. Costed me a fortune (di kala kewangan sudah sempit). More over, I was somehow blamed for the loss by a few people, and one of them is my most important person. As a few had already known, in the past four months, numerous great yet terrible (terrible to the extent that I don't dare to write them down here) things fell upon me. Most of them costed my family and I a fortune too. Multiply the price of the handphone to dozens. Many might say, "It's just a handphone", but a few who know will know how easy my emotions and mental can be affected now that I had gone through so much in such a short interval.

Then, as I had posted before, my band performed yesterday along with another fellow band from Persatuan Sains Kesihatan (PSK) for the closing ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 2009/10. Initially, everything was great although our first song was played on a fast beat, but everybody held on well and I think we had pulled it off well. Then, came our second appearance on stage to perform Revolusi by Bunkface. We even brought a friend over to play the drum and rented a bass amplifier. A few seconds after we had started, just as I was thinking that this is going to be great, everything was going so perfectly and as we entered the "Aku bukan mahukan bayangan resah mu..." part, everything went dark. Yes, people, a black out. Almost everybody (even the VIPs) waited until the emcee finally announced, "... masalah teknikal, jadi, dengan ini Ekspo Kampus 2009 berakhir..." (can't remember the exact sentence).

The amazing FACTS about it is... the power supply for other parts (eg. Dewan Utama) of Ekspo Kampus was not disconnected nor experienced short circuit. Immediately after our first performance, my junior, Fiza (Intan Hafizah) told me about a lady asking her to leave the event. There were also other news related to the incident, but finally, everything was hanging just like that- stringless and untraceable. Only God knows what really happened on that night. If it's to be a sabotage case... then, know that you had just put so many people down, belittled our efforts (all those renting, practices, and so many more), and this:

"Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda: Ketika Allah mengumpulkan orang-orang yang terdahulu dan orang-orang yang terkemudian pada Hari Kiamat kelak, maka setiap orang yang melakukan PENGKHIANATAN akan diberikan tanda sebuah bendera yang bertulis: Ini adalah bukti tanda pengkhiatannya kepada Polan bin Polan- Hadis Ibnu Umar r.a"

- taken from Aisyah Reduzan's Fb note.

And I thought I had recovered from the past incidents, but I actually have not... I guess. For the very first time in my life (as far as I can recall), my appetite was gone. Tadi kononnya nak keluar makan dengan syisha clique, then, baru seciput makan, rasa penat dan muak mengunyah, perut pula seolah-olah menolak yang seciput itu keluar kembali. Akhirnya, tekak yang menahan mengalah lalu semuanya pun keluar kembali. Kemudian, tachycardia pula. Seterusnya rasa nak pitam. Balik bilik, pandang laptop dan melayari Facebook serta bercerita dengan Fiza seperti biasa. Pandang lagi laptop, menangis sekali lagi. These lacrimal glands, their secretory apparatus, and the eyes are already so sore from producing so much secretion.

Last midnight, repeated my old habit again. Roy dan Mus dua-dua pun marah. Tapi, kalian... secara jujur, aku berasa sangat susah untuk berhenti buat macam ini. Lebih-lebih lagi apabila emosi tak stabil. Telinga pula terngiang-ngiang ayat seorang ahli keluarga yang sangat saya sayangi katakan. Hati pun kembali gundah.

Makasih, Taqim, sebab main lagu Kuatkan Aku oleh Vegetos pada hari kelmarin. Syiok lagunya.

Fiza (roommate), kita minta maaf sangat-sangat sebab selalu buat awak risau... tapi sekarang, kita perlukan masa. I think I'm already at my limit.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

makasih T_T

FINALLY, I got to claim my birthday present which Wani had mailed ages ago! Kerana aku terlampau hebat, barulah selalu teringat mahu ke pejabat Desasiswa (tempat untuk tuntut barang Poslaju) apabila sudah hampir pukul 5 petang. Biasalah sini... 4.40pm, orang pun sudah mula lesap. Wani, selendang itu sangat lawa dan corak dia tak pernah aku jumpa!!! Serious crapppppppp! Makasih, Wani dan Kak Jasmin T_T I think I should pay a visit to Kak Jasmin's shop once I come home. Baiklah... mula mengumpul duit :D

I still can't take my mind off our new cat, Joni... as Wani had told me a couple of days ago. I wonder how come she hasn't uploaded a picture of him. Kalau dapat tengok, bolehlah saya sekurang-kurangnya mengubat rindu ke kampung halaman. Aish... macam duduk di perantauan saja aku ni.

So, I had successfully dragged Elly into Band-ner in Supik (tolonglah pehe, masih susah terima nama ini :P) :D Hopefully we'll get to play Sigur Rós's Hoppípolla soon. Rezza, aku tak kisah walaupun kau kata lagu itu lagu *******n! Talking about the band... Guys, we're going to perform once more for the closing ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 09/10 which will be held uhm... on Saturday night... if I'm not mistaken. Come and watch us if you're free :) There will be lots more performances by other clubs. Macam biasa, yang paling aku tunggu-tunggukan ialah 24 Seasons Drum punya persembahanlah.

Yesterday, the nightout with Kucheng, Elly, Mus, Rezza, Roy, Taqim, Mat Min, and Apiz ended so late that I only got 2 hours of sleep before attending the 1 + 2 hours of lectures today... tapi salah diri sendiri juga sebab semalam terlampau 'stressed' (dan akhirnya 'de-stressed' sudah). Rasa macam mayat hidup dah ini. Mahu tidur, tapi mahu blogging juga. Tolonglah pehe... :P Later, at 3.00pm I'll have to go to HEP office to meet Mr Lee from LY Studio. AKHIRNYA! Abang Mi (dari HEP) setuju panggil orang untuk baiki barang di studio itu lepas pujuk dia sikit tadi. Harap-harap kami tak perlu sewa bass lagi selepas ini. Pitih takdok dah lo ni.

p/s: Macam biasa, bila tak cukup tidur, isi kandungan blog pun jadi tunggang langgang. Gomen!

Monday, October 5, 2009


I didn't have the guts to tell this to 'em syisha clique, but... since yesterday I've been feeling so bloated that I had to run like an athlete to the toilet once we had reached USM. Itulah... degil lagi. Mereka bising-bising dah semalam sebab makan aiskrim yang ada dalam ABC special. Masa di KFC tu, perut dah rasa macam dia tengah buat drumroll ditambah dengan gitar yang distorted dengan teruk sekali bunyinya, sehinggakan aku tak berjaya habiskan air yang datang sekali dengan Meltz itu. Sampai hari ni mudah ja aku 'relax'kan external anal sphincter aku... T_T


Kata hati...
You're like an opened book, you know that?
A tool for your success.
That's what I had been to you all these while, hadn't I?
And yes, I'm just playing along with your games.
It's sort of amusing to see that "Aku menang", facial expression of yours...
because I'm going to pull you down and down and DOWN.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Honest-freaking-ly, this month of Syawal has been a very busy one for me. Akhirnya, hari ini saya berjaya menghabiskan laundry yang tertunggak hampir seminggu. Disebabkan peristiwa sebulan yang lepas, jadi tak berani pula untuk menghantar laundry ke dobi (previous incidents had taught me that car is not that invulnerable)... so I resorted to handwash everything (exception to bedsheets only). Buffs up the biceps, baby! LOL~

Well, for a start, just a few days after Raya hols ended, we (Band-ner in Supik, mace demo bagi nama ko sek-sek kito) performed for Malam Raya Majlis Penghuni Desasiswa Murni in front of a few hundreds crowd. 30th September 2009 marks the date I performed with them (Amirul, Ajon, and Rezza) for the very first time :) Feedbacks from the crowd were satisfying, thank God... although I'm still trying to adapt being teased, "Yuna", by so many people... in which case, I have to admit that I strongly dislike. For God's sake, Yuna was not the reason I started wearing shawls. Anithlah yang mempengaruhi saya untuk pakai selendang... and the Arab postgraduates in my university who wear them very beautifully. Yuna was certainly not the reason I started playing guitar. It's the unbearable feeling of not knowing how to play the guitar when most of my family members (Ayah, Wani, and Along) know that kept me motivated in the early days.

Mulalah tu aku nak emosional tentang benda remeh. Okay, anyway, a new medical chapter will be starting soon (technically, it starts today) and Malaysia Qualification Agency (MQA) paid their visit to the Dental School of USM... and that means tons of works for batch leaders (akulah yang jadi korban dalam kes ini)... which also means, marathons between my hostel and my school. Then, there was Malam Raya Persatuan Sains Pergigian (which was over a few hours ago). Macam biasa, setiap batch kena buat persembahan. So I was in charge of the music and anything related to multimedia. My memory card and internal handphone memory chose this time to break down... p e r f e c t . Then, Band-ner in Supik (unbearable sungguh nak tulis nama ini) will be performing again this Friday (wink, wink, marilah kalau free :D) during the opening ceremony of Ekspo Kampus 2009/2010. Hopefully things will go well, insya Allah. I honestly think that every undergraduates should be well-trained in tech stuff, particularly, the computer. Since not many are able to operate simple softwares such as Adobe Photoshop, Macromedia Flash MX, and yaddah yaddah, the few ones who can had to carry out all tasks that involve usage of such softwares... which also means that I'll have to email Dr Azizah a new name tag design for CFCS program which will be resuming soon in early November. It was previously halted due to spread of swine flu. Oh yeah, talking of Ekspo Kampus 09/10... it's drawing nearer. It's so so so near already. HiComs apa lagi... Panic at the Disco lah. The months of plannings will finally show their result in these few days. Nervous, nervous. Kalau ada di Kelantan, marilah datang ke USM pada 8, 9, dan 10 Oktober 09. There are seriously dozens of activities for you guys to enjoy. Okay, aku berasa lame-o-supreme-o untuk mempromosikan benda ini di sini. Takpalah... dah tanggungjawab. Then, there's paediatric conservative dentistry class. Should start collecting my baby teeth soon. Very soon.

I complain a lot, don't I?... but truthfully, I enjoy living a hectic life :) Thank God for it... dan aktiviti syisha masih berjalan seperti biasa dengan Elly, Kucheng, Mus, dan Wiki. Rindu pula sahur dengan mereka -_-"

Had to do two appearances on stage. Stole photos from anak Abbas.
Will upload more photos, with God's will... or maybe you can just check the photo album on Facebook.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Ready For War

By Dr Dre. Try listening to it :)


*Put the nose of a gun into my mouth*


*Pull the trigger*



Finally, happiness.



Hwelllll... at least I had learnt my lesson...

But, dude, aren't the lessons you had learnt this year enough?

Medicine sometimes is bitter. I'm still trying to swim through this huge sea.

Why, why, whyyy for God's sake, do you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again? We can't tolerate these burdens.

As far as I'm concerned, we hadn't explored our mind completely.

But... you always end up sobbing your way to sleep for the sake of others. Be it in any matter. Does it feel nice?

No... *sob* it doesn't.

Is it THAT worthy sacrificing yourself?

......... well, I'll just send my prayers to God... God has God's own ways.

When are you finally going to give up those bad habits?

I don't know... can you accept me as who I am, oh, heart and mind?

Yes we can, but you know very well... not a single living soul can accept you that way as in... 100%. There's always at least 0.00000000...1% of disagreement. Well, alright, we admit it... we aren't totally happy with who you are lately... or even all these while.

Then... what should I do?

What should you do?

Yes, what should I do?

We know not too.

But you guys know what? Let us keep thinking positively and hope for the best in everything. Eventually, dear... eventually. Kindness will be repaid... sooner or later.