Tuesday, October 13, 2009

out of guilt

So, I paid a trip to the psychiatrist after being referred there by my personal advisor, Dr. Khafizah, this morning.

Diagnosis : Major depression (apart from post-traumatic stress initially)
Management : Escitalopram 10mg (for 2 weeks)

Thanks, dear thief, for exacerbating the signs and symptoms in me. Thanks. See you in after-life.

My heart was racing as I walked slowly towards the psychiatric clinic in Hospital Universiti Sains Malaysia (HUSM). So many thoughts were knocking against the walls of my brain. This very thought won over the rest - Mesti orang rasa kau gila lepas ni, but then again... I'm still rapidly counting the number of people who misunderstood me. A few more to be added to the list wouldn't hurt... hopefully. I felt like running away as I reached the waiting lounge, but remembering how much I had made my friends and Wani (yes, I didn't tell this to Umi and Ayah for certain reasons) worry again, I decided to stay.

Entered the room. Talked and talked and talked to Dr. Zarina. Cried and cried and cried.

It turned out that I have many unresolved conflicts that I am consistently battling within myself, unconsciously. The thing about them is... they started to settle in me when I was a kid and had been growing since then. Finally, negligence, abuse (this appears to be one of the main reasons), anger, blames, and wrong choices are taking their toll. My problem is... I have the tendency to make myself appear strong for the good of others despite how unsettled and unhappy I am (but that's just my point of view). There was this one time when self-inflicted injury was a trend. Frankly, I was sorta influenced by it, but later, while everyone grew up and out of the trend, I continued and 'progressed' to other worse forms. Soon, it became a habit and I somehow became suicidal, but I dare not write down what I had done before. Let them be a secret between a few close ones and I.

Doc also said that I'm actually having post-traumatic stress disorder although I thought that I had let the 'incident' go. The most important things are... I'm most sensitive not towards the things that I had lost, but they are actually the responses from my beloved ones. Furthermore, I have the thought of, "I can no longer turn towards my parents, my siblings, nor my friends (because there's no way they will completely understand). I am stucked alone", which is dangerous because with that, I tend to mask myself with a happy face, but my emotions are deteriorating with time. It is to the extent that I automatically lock my problems away when I'm with my friends, and dwell myself in them later.

Rupa-rupanya, cuba menahan diri dari 'melebih-lebih sedih' pun agak bahaya. Tanpa sedar, diri bergaduh dengan diri sendiri. Dan rupa-rupanya, saya banyak menyembunyikan perasaan daripada orang lain (walaupun yang terdekat), padahal diri sendiri ingat dah cukup 'expressive'. Rupa-rupanya selama ini hanya 'expressive' benda yang tak penting saja.

Jadi, doc bagi antidepressants. Dia tanya samada mahu psychotherapy (one-to-one talk with a psychologist, dan bukan macam kena electric shock okay!). Jadual macam packed. So I said... it depends, and she said, "So, I'll see you in 2 weeks time. Kalau antidepressants tak cukup, kita try psychotherapy juga ya?" (+/-). "Okay. Terima kasih, Dr. Assalaamu'alaikum".

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Dan kawan-kawan, saya harap kalian tidak akan salah anggap dengan apa yang saya alami ya.

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