Friday, July 31, 2009

sumimasenga, totemo sukidesu

Pardon my poor Japanese. Haven't practised it for awhile now.




I think... I shall pick myself up now. Although I've lost much support from the two people I love most in my life during the time when I need them most... I am grateful to have the people above (in the pictures) accompanying me through my 'recovery phase'. Not to cheat myself - yes, the end of this phase is still quite far, but for the time being... this will do, insya Allah. Aku benar-benar berterima kasih dengan kalian.

It comes to a point at which I honestly think I'm so self-centered, having you guys to listen to my whines and what seemed like endless problems, while being ignorant about your worries myself. How selfish of me. Thanks for not laughing at me when I dropped one or more tears in front of you. I'll try my best to repay you guys although it's impossible to do so.

To my most loved couple... I shall send prayers to God for your heart to be opened and see the actual picture of everything. I can't think of anything else to convince you guys more... not when both of you refuse to listen to me. Nevertheless, doubt not that some of it is to be blamed on me. I accept that fact with opened heart... but to be muted... my heart crumbles easily.

I want to write more, but my eyes are holding me back from doing so. Ciao for now.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

*warghhhh*

That's me yawning here. I'm currently in my second residency in Kampung Raja, Besut, Terengganu, which is a part of the Community Family Case Studies (CFCS) program. Amazingly, shortly after our first residency, 2 cyber cafes were opened :)


I don't feel like I've gotten enough sleep. Had a nightmare yesterday and I woke up at 4.00am sharp... the exact time when 'it' happened. An almost exact replay of 'it', except that for some reasons, a lady was in charge and it was around noon. I escaped my deep slumber just as 'that thing' was 'flying'. Yanti yang duduk dalam rumah keluarga angkat yang sama dan sedang tidur di sebelah aku kata, "Aku nampak kau resah-resah, lepas tu aku risau kau mengigau. Nasib baik kau bangun masa aku kejutkan kau". I opened my eyes and grabbed to whatever that was surrounding me at that time. "Aku rasa kau masih trauma lah...", she said. I shut the windows closed, tip-toed to the toilet, and stared blankly at the door. I wanted to drop a few tears but I was worried Mak (mak angkat) would hear me. I want to call so many people, but the cable of my handphone is broken, hence failure to generate image on the LCD. Stayed awake for around 1 hour and finally sank into my slumber, once again.


I need to pick myself up... soon. Time to go back to foster family's house.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

- line is dead -

I gave Umi a call just now. Was hoping to talk about the progress of 'the case' and about me flying back home... and maybe a couple more stuff. Let's make it simple - I just want to talk to them.


But...


But...


But... she didn't sound happy... not even one small bit.


I had to end the conversation within only seconds.


And poured out again.


How far can I take this? 'It' is only a month away, but do my family members give any thought about it now that I had created so much troubles? I doubt that.

Monday, July 20, 2009

bukaka

I want to write so much but I can't.

I'm so angry but everything had happened. There's no point of showing my rage.

I feel like almost everything was my fault in the first place. I didn't take over it after witnessing the first warning sign. I didn't stay awake and chose to take a rest instead. I didn't fly, but I chose to crawl. I acted against their advice. I was stubborn.

I am so damn stubborn. I am so damn stubborn. I am so so so damn stubborn.

I want to drop a few tears, but I don't think it'll satisfy me much.

If only I was given the chance... I'd choose myself to be alone in such condition. I couldn't feel any worse for dragging them along.

I'm moving my body parts against its resistance. That way, I'll feel better.

I can see the guitar, lying there on my bed. All of a sudden, I don't feel like playing it anymore, but I'm supposed to jam today. The usual enthusiasm had disappeared along with my 'companion'. Perhaps I'll just play along with my bandmates as the responsible guitarist.

I... just don't know... what else to feel. I'm at lost. So lost. It's like drowning in a whirlpool and everything around you just sinks along with you.

Today, I had to go back and forth between dental and medical school for a simple reason - forgotten a few stuff. It was so tiring. I can barely lift my shoulders already, what more to carry so many stuff to my room. I accidently left my books at the campus bookshop. I forgot to pay for the things I was buying. I stuttered during presentation this afternoon (which is quite rare to come from me). I was not alert. I am so so so terribly frustrated. It's like... becoming a liability to everybody.

I don't know to whom can I tell everything :'( I don't know who are silly enough to listen to it.

upside down

Flipped, flipped, flipped, annnnd flipped again. Just like a dolphin, even the way it landed.


Shocked.


Traumatized.


Upset.


Angered.


Grateful.


Worried.


Repentance.


You didn't lose what I lost. My companion. I let you off to another person and look what happened. It's only been a day and I feel like working my lacrimal glands already. Not enough with dreaming nonsensical stuff, even the bed is pulling me back. Simple task like looking at the slides or slightly nerve-wrecking ones such as presenting in front of a panel of judges became so unbearable. It's like rewinding your memory and watching everything again, again, and again, but you don't really want to see that part of your life ever again. Letting them down. Made a person cry.


You didn't get what I got. So many more. What's for sure J-Pop-chan wasn't on the list. I mean... not even a single milisecond was J-Pop-chan on my mind haha... and I found out one of my true natures... when I thought everything that I did was hypocritical, but in fact... even in desperate times, I'm always like that. Second chance of repentance. Applying what I had learned. Know the people who actually care for you... despite the circumstances.


For some reasons... the negative parts seem to overwhelm their opposite ones. So I shall cry my heart out on the bed. Bye.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

who said dentistry is easy? what a bollock.

Tonight, I feel guilty, hence this post is written.

I have 3 overlapping urgent things to do tonight, from 8.00pm till 10.00pm. Firstly is my very first prosthodontics class which started at 8.00pm just now. Inventory and briefing should be given during this class. I overslept till 8.30pm, but the technician hasn't arrived when Sue called me around 8.45pm. Next is the meeting for HiComs and excos of Dental Student Association which starts at 9.00pm. Obviously I was well awake, but wasn't bathed yet. Lastly is to study our Community and Family Case Studies (CFCS) presentation which has a few carry marks for our Professional 2 exam. I'm supposed to present it along with another comrade, Yenyen, to our CFCS coordinator, Dr. Azizah, as a representative of my group. Have 30 slides to study and thousands of datas to present... including a few maps, a field which is not included in my expertise.


So, which one should I choose? Or should I say... which one did I choose? No. 1 sounds way more important, but... No. 3 was my choice, mainly because I hadn't kept a fair share of my time for CFCS and I honestly think that... I had burdened my group members for too long already. They had to cover my part when I was busy doing other things. Hopefully this shall be a wise choice. Perhaps I can give my technician a call and rearrange an extra class with him. Aih, another prostho session delayed and whadda you know... I had set a goal earlier this semester to actually excel in prosthodontics. Passing ain't enough, you know that as well, don't you? Maybe being the batch leader actually benefits me in a way that, uhm... I need to keep myself up (or higher) to a standard enough to gain confidence from my comrades. It's nothing like trying to be superior, but it's more like... uhm... I don't know -_-"


Oh-kay, I need to resume my studies :D

prepare, pack, pack, pack, responsibilities, responsibilities~

Will be driving home tomorrow evening with Wali, Kucheng, and Rauf. Thank God Rauf is tagging along because... DIA JA YANG TAHU JALAN BALIK KL! Kasi malu diri sendiri ja dah lah dia orang Sabah. Sabah bhaaaa! Tapi lebih tahu dari orang Semenanjung. Hopefully I'll get to memorize the paths this time and arrive home safely (as well as driving back to Kelantan). Insya Allah.


So, so, so looking forward to see Stucks, it had only been nearly 2 months and I'm already missing them terribly. Gosh... but thanks to Elly, Mus, Rauf, and Wiki (sidekicks tetap) for the nightouts. At least I didn't die of boredom here :D And it's super uber (sebenarnya tak tahu apa maksud perkataan ini, tapi mereka pakai, so, mahu mencuba kah kah kah) fun to have them around ^_^ And last but not least... Fiza, my beautiful friend for listening to my endless whines and craps. Dia memang memahami :) Malah, membataskan kejahatan aku lagi. Alhamdulillah, praises to God for lending them to me :')

p/s: I just noticed... my posts are so 'dry' nowadays. Aish... serius tak tipu aku neh sibuk benar these few weeks. 4-5 kerja jatuh gedebuk setiap hari. Lari-lari ke bangunan medical school. Lari-lari ke bangunan dental school. Lari-lari ke tempat mesyuarat. Itulah USM, Universiti Suka Meeting. Aish... kena betulkan perkara begini :P

Monday, July 13, 2009

speaking of nonsensical blabs

See... sometimes, somehow, you come across people who blabs nonsensical stuff simply for the sake of moving those speech muscles (or perhaps the muscles involved in moving the fingers), in which case, I fail to completely comprehend the benefits one may gain from such action -_-" It annoys me for sure, but oh, well, as they say, "One man's meat is another's poison", but spare me some sufferings... if you'd like to use metaphoric jargons, use it wisely and understand your every word. Orang Melayu pula kata, "Kerana mulut, badan binasa", orang separuh Jawa separuh Melayu ni pula kata, "Kerana jari menaip keyboard, laptop meletup".


Countless gratitude to that person for serving a foundation for this post.


I saved dozens of drafts already, but I posted almost none :P

Monday, July 6, 2009

... entah mahu kata apa

I intended to post about the first day of medical class, but the status of internet connection in my university is currently 'sucksakerdiiysucksucksuckahhhhh'. Which means... I'm too turned off to post anything nice. My only motive to write this post is... to tell you how annoyed I am with the connection. SAKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! YU SAKKKKKK, PPKT!!! YU SAKKKKKKK!!!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

2 jam

Excessive testosterone. Ironically, I enjoy sewing and cooking -_-" What a weird combination. It's like having two souls (each of different gender) trapped in one body, and fortunately, the body doesn't behave bisexually as well... or it'd be DISASTEROUS!! One minute I can be extremely happy and content, the next minute I might end up being so moody and drowning myself in tears. Entah-entah........... bipolar disorder? Haha, tak kot :P


Anyway, this is sort of nothing, but yay~ I've successfully transformed my short-sleeved t-shirt into a tank top! Keh keh keh. 2 jam dia makan. Masuk bakul sikit. Lawa juga hasil tangan aku har har har. Memang kontra dengan hasil tangan aku membuat gigi palsu. Mwuuu...



The moment I had been waiting for... Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, my brother, Along, is about to get engaged to Kak Suraya around August ^_^ Only God knows how grateful I am for this. Along is after all the eldest among us and spent lots of his time taking care of us. Kereta pun Along yang bayarkan. Nanti Along dah ada keluarga... tak boleh parasite movie sama dia dah? Anyway, ceit! Dia tak beritahu aku awal-awal sampai Umi pula yang beritahu. Apa lagi, bisinglah aku sama dia. Apa balasnya? "Hari tu risik le 2 ogos baru tunang. sempat balik x? nak bg kerahan tenaga ni", CEIT!


Last but not least, my 2 weeks (which felt like years) of syisha hiatus ended yesterday~ 2 bong lagi :D Sidekicks yang baru join semalam ialah Azizul (Ajon, yang ku fikir sudah bersihkan diri sebersih-bersihnya daripada tembakau) dan Yusran. Mencuba perisa baru lagi, kali ini bukan perisa buah :D Malam ni mahu bocorkan diaphragm sekali lagi bersama sidekicksku dari zaman dahulu kala :) Syiok~

Friday, July 3, 2009

tinggi

Suatu masa dahulu...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Bagai satu bintang di langit,
Tak mungkin berani aku menyentuh kau,
Kalaupun aku cuba terbang ke langit,
Sekali lagi mencuba untuk menggapai yang jauh,
Barangkali kau sudah tiada di situ,
Lepas sudah letusan supernova,
Si bintang mungkin sudah tidak menunggu,
Kerana si terang yang membuatku dongak ke langit sepanjang masa,
Sudah lama memancarkan cahayanya,
Cuma diri kecil ini sahaja,
Yang lewat menyedari teriakan minda,
Si egois akhirnya jatuh menyerah... hampa.


Bagaikan mitosis,
Dan aku adalah kromosom,
Sebelum minda gagal dalam krisis,
Aku hanya mampu tersenyum,
Sambil menghancurkan inginku yang satu,
Tak mungkin aku senang menjauhi separuh daripadaku,
Kau yang melengkapkan diriku,
Angan-angan yang sia-sia dibiar terjatuh terjelupuk kaku,
Apa berani aku cuba menahan kau,
Di sisiku kerana diri yang kecil sangat tahu,
Rendahnya harga di matamu,
Esok, lusa, barangkali dilupakan, siapa yang tahu?


Kaku, sejuk, seperti rigor mortis,
Bergetar hela nafasku,
Sambil membunuh perasaan seperti seorang 'masochist',
Biar saja hati yang kecil mati begitu,
Senyum, senyum juga aku padamu,
Seperti mayat hidup,
Hatiku dah lama membisu,
Mindaku dah lama tertutup,
Biar aku menjadi korban kepada mereka,
Menjadi liburan untukmu,
Maklum sudah dirinya tiada harga,
Kalau bukan untuk itu.

p/s: Tapi ini cerita dan tulisan yang lama. Berhabuk dah dalam 'almari'.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

aish

Aish... nak cancel atau teruskan? Nak cancel atau teruskan? Ketagihan melampau dah ni. Aish... nak cancel atau tak... -_-" takpa, tanya si bulu, dia mudah sikit buat keputusan jeahhh... walaupun boleh predict dia mau putuskan macam mana. Gahhhh.