Monday, August 31, 2009

i. don't. know. anymore.

In a couple of months, so many things had happened.


And I'm not sure whether I can swallow all of them anymore.


Firstly, my 'deared one' was seriously 'injured' by a person I'd rather take as an acquintance. Secondly, I made Umi cry due to an incident that resulted from my own stupid and reckless decision (and other factors as well). Next, I made both Umi and Ayah seriously disappointed and angry for the same reason. Then, I lost a friend, in which case, I frankly think is multifactorial in nature, but still... I was at fault too... and just recently, my friends and I had something very valuable to someone else stolen. I somehow felt like I am to blame on too.


My eyes are sore from working my lacrimal glands. My head is throbbing now that I am under so much pressure. My chest is aching as if something is crushing it. I feel like collapsing. Everything in front of me seems so uncertain. Though a few tried to assure me that I am not the one at fault... heck! We're not the one at fault, after going through that very first incident... I somehow has the tendency to blame myself on just about everything. The truth is... I haven't recovered from that incident, which makes the very reason I couldn't accept what happened recently easily.


I


am


so


so


so... tired. :'( God, please have mercy on me... please, I beg you. I beg you with all my heart. Contrary to my facade, I am much of the opposite inside... and God certainly is all-knowing. I don't know how far I can take it anymore. Every dimension of my heart is trembling with pain, confusion, disappointment, and frustration. It's just the matter of time and God's will till all of them crumble and detaching myself from reality.


Aku sudah lesu dengan tangisan. Aku rasa seperti mahu lari daripada kebenaran. Aku rasa seperti mahu mencapai besi-besi yang sangat nipis itu. Tetapi benar... sebenar-benarnya Kau sahaja yang tahu segalanya.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

my feet are cold for unknown reason (updated at 5.56am)

Ya, saya orang Melayu (walaupun separuh Jawa :)), tapi susahnya lah nak hidup seminggu tanpa apa-apa jenis mi (kuey teow/mi/bihun)... dan menu untuk 'main course' sepanjang minggu lepas adalah nasi campur (kecuali sekali ketika berbuka puasa dengan Fiza di Kenny Rogers) -_-" Mulalah nak rindu rumah dan mereka yang berdekatan dengannya :'(








It had been a very very very long time since I last felt safe being at the backseat. The third last (yes, this is a grammar crime) time I did so resulted... very badly. Very very badly. Anith ajak Stuck crew buka puasa sama-sama bila saya balik Subang nanti :) But reading May's blog... will she be in Malaysia for it? :'( Not again.




Mellie has gotten her scholarship (siap mesej lagi ^_^)! Which means she'll no longer whine about not having it like I do, LOL~ And I'd be glad to be 'heret'ed' by her for shopping :D



Apple Danish yang tak cukup :( But dear bassist's birthday is drawing nearer.


And so does this syisha hogger's ^_^


Anyway, since quite a number asked me about my annual raya open house... Thank God, the raya hols this time will be a lengthy one (not to say it in a bad way, hoho) :) And that means I'll be resuming the open house. Since most of them dub it as the 'unofficial reunion' event... malas mahu habiskan ayat ni lah. So yeah, it'll be held during 4th raya. Time will be confirmed later. As long as you're a friend of mine, consider yourself invited :D





However... I'll be moving out of Subang next year. A trip to the new house will be a verrrry long one. Still, I'm persuading Umi to let me live in the current house with Along and her soon-to-be-wife (insya Allah).

Saturday, August 29, 2009

ye de di qi zhang

I never seem to grow tired out of Jay Chou's songs do I? Since the wireless connection in USM is being such a beetch for a few months already, not to mention numerous websites are currently blocked, as if majority of us are underages, I couldn't put up good music here.


Have to start stimulating my 'hardworking center' which I found to had underwent atrophy (sort of shrinkage as well as reduction in function) in my brain. Seriously.


Setiap perkara itu pasti akan dibalas oleh Allah, walaupun sekecil zarah sekalipun. God's promise is certain. Well, that's for you, the rest, and I to keep in mind. I find that... the more I distant myself from God, the worse I find my life to be regardless of how many people, money, and other earthly things I have by my side. Many might say, "It's all in your mind", but I beg to differ. The problem with one getting to learn something is... one might find one's knowledge to be superior than others'. That's when you get people who create ridiculous and sometimes nonsensical myths and theories... and that's also when one feels like one's never in fault, hence blaming others became a part of daily life. That's why you have to open up your mind and mix around, therefore, you'll get to do some muhasabah (to reflect yourself) and rectify what's needed.


And with this... I can study comfortably :)

finally, a good sleep

What on earth was I thinking yesterday? I read my 'Ngateni' post, and it made me think... "You said this and you turn out the opposite another day? Pfft!". Where had my principle gone to? Really, this issue is bringing the worse out of me.


So, I deleted the previous posts. Come on, I messed up, but at least I'm making an effort to rectify it. Yaddi yadda yaddah.


Aih, my back muscles are aching due to prolonged foetal position. I have this habit of lying that way when I'm not feeling my best, emotionally. My eyes and the orbital region (including the area surrounding the eyes) looked as if I have chemosis (puffy macam pau kari ayam Kafe Harmoni USM). LOL, tolonglah pehe aku suka fikir banyak sangat, seperti si Wiki mesej semalam. Eh, seperti juga kata si Mus. Eh, ada lagi... macam Ayah, Umi, Elly, dan Fiza pernah kata. Zahirah, the message is obvious.


My stomach feels like someone poured Pepsi MAX mixed with Coke straight into it because I didn't have the mood to eat yesterday. Thank God, si Fiza dan Atun ada di bilik. Habis juga makanan. Aaaaaaand, Alhamdulillah, my head is not throbbing anymore.


There are 2 round shaped masses that are palpable (means felt by groping) on the back of my neck, which I suspect to be my occipital lymph nodes. What worries me are they are firm and immobile. 3-4 years ago, only one of them was palpable. A year later, both of them were. Bilanya mahu pergi periksa? And I've been having sudden, very well located pain on my skin which I failed to find its initiating and aggrevating factors. Offset is as sudden as the onset. Location varies with time. It happens about 3 times per dayand had started since about 3 years ago.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

lain kali jangan terlalu ikutkan nafsu

Aku... terlampau kenyang. Tolonglah faham. Nak muntah mwuuuu...

approaching INFINITY~

OMG OMG OMG! Installation is approaching 100% in a few minutes!!! OMG I frankly honestly serious-shit-ly think my lungs will explode out of excitement at this rate! WARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!



TOLONGLAH FAHAM!! KAU FAHAM TAKKKKKK!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAH!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ngateni

Kenal tak pak guard UiTM Shah Alam bernama Ngateni?


After the previous episode of allergy, I honestly think that either the position or the composition of my brain is distorted. So much for making a promise to myself not to skip any lecture, I had to give up today :( Hibernated for 12 hours, and it gave me ample of time for a few thoughts.


"Say goodbye, tada goodbye...", sang the late Hide of X-Japan.


Sometimes, you just have to put an end to something unwillfully. Although by having that something, I get to enjoy myself so much, it's no use to drag an issue for so long. Perhaps a few people out there put a very low price on relationship. Just a stack of petty things and dozens of unvoiced unsatisfied opinions, and all the things that all of us had gone through went down the drain. It's just that... I have so many things held back for so long too, but for this very something, I think it's worth crushing my ego and learn to be selfless.


Oh, well, just as Ayah said, you can't always change one's way of thinking. You can just show the way and send prayers to God. I have so many things to attend to, and these sort of problems are absolutely slowing me down. Docs, studies, and others ain't waiting for me to cope with everything. So toughen up your arse, Zahirah! There are much more to life than a person's worthy of. If things were to end, so be it, and if things were to unravel themselves, well... so be it too then.

itai?

The food and drink that I had before I went to bed yesterday...................................... one of them must've contained a great amount of milk and it totally slipped my mind, because today I woke up with abdominal cramps, tachypnoea (increase in breathing rate), and dizziness.


Jiu ming T_T...
Nate sungguh, puah kelih ko makane tu, guano bulih terlepah... Tolonglah pehe.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

perfect situation for the imperfect one

Source : Wani's blog

"Bersifat delusional...", dan ayat seterusnya ialah bahagian yang paling aku suka! Memang tergelak-gelak baca ni. Makasih, kakak yang seorang, Wani :)



This is a story about an event that happened the day before yesterday.

I w a s c h e a t e d .

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH~~~!



While I was on my way back to the car along with Mus, Wiki, Elly, and Rauf, after having our almost-daily dose of syeesha, Kucheng appeared from nowhere! And suddenly Bob and Nad followed suit. "Oh, okay, the more the merrier our syeesha session will be, yay!", I thought... especially since someone hasn't been behaving well (or should I replace that with 'isn't'?) for many days already. As the table came into view, I saw Yani. "Hoh, sejak bila Yani rajin ikut syeesha? Takpa, the more the merrier sekali lagi, yay!", I thought once more. Then, suddenly, I saw my dear roommate, Fiza, too! "WHAT THE HECK! Ini sudah gila!", I silently screamed to myself, most probably because Fiza is a very reserved person, and I saw my birthday cake next. That was when everything seemed to make sense. Tolonglah faham, punyalah lambat 'pick up'. Alright, Kishie and Hannah... I have to agree with you guys when you commented on how 'lampi' I am.



Nevertheless, I can't possibly write down how happy and grateful I am for the surprise birthday celebration. Buat perangai atau tidak, merajuk atau tidak, kuat politik atau tidak, porcine, homo sapien, atau kucing, sepet atau mata sesumpah, aku masih sangat sangat sangat sayang sama kalian. You can say whatever you want in return, but this thought is here to stay :D



I don't think I'm feeling my best currently, gah... tolonglah hantar kerusi urut dekat rumah ke universiti ni. Jangan reset thermostat badan please. Mucus macam seronok pula bermain dalam nasal cavity dan sepanjang pharynx aku. Jangan sampai erythrocyte pun ikut serta jadi hyper sudahlah.



Starstrukk by 3oh!3 membuatkan otak hyper yippooooo~

Sunday, August 23, 2009

for all the wishes :)


Ramadhan Mubarak to everyone ;)
May all of us hijrah for the better, insya Allah.
So the hols had been a crazy one! I'll spare the details for next posts... or maybe write some of them down today :P
Anith, Kishie, and I went to ss18 bazaar on the day I was supposed to fly back Kelate, and we met Hannah there as she was attending to the numerous customers at her family's booth. So, as usual, we get to see the later generations taking yet another step to the front especially from the way they dressed themselves. Sigh... where did the innocence of adoloscence disappear? And where did the beauty of Ramadhan go? There were a few familiar faces, but for unknown reasons, I couldn't recall their names. It's as though I'm experiencing temporary amnesia... or something :P And gosh, the price of the food had jumped so high that a stick of satar (2 pieces of satar) costed RM2.00. Gils bullshit, and the price is RM1.00 for a stick of satar (consisting of 4 pieces of satar) in Terengganu. No, I will not accept the fact that the latter is sold at that price because it's in Terengganu. Aish... dah la satar mahal tu banyak tepung. Jangan cekik darah dan menipulah, wahai peniaga. Kami (or at least the elderlies) tak sebuduh itu.
Okay, my back is sooooo aching. Thanks for the birthday wishes ya, kalian. Wa sayang sama lu sekali lagi :D

Friday, August 21, 2009

operator, the line... is it dead?



I don't give my trust easily, but once I do, please, please, please... hold it with care because it comes with a warning sticker bearing the word 'Fragile'.


Even at times when I feel like almost the whole world is crumbling on me, a few hands stayed to hold mine and patted me on the shoulder, as if quietly saying to me, "It's okay, we're here for you, Z", and it felt like I'm ready for almost everything. Anything but a lie - I can't bear it even if only one of those hands leaves me.


It felt like anger at first, but the truth hit me soon after - it's sadness and disappointment that are paralyzing my risorius, zygomaticus major, and minor muscles.


Yes, you came with a warning. Commitment is not something that you look forward to, hence, leaving someone close became a habit of yours. My apologies for asking for your friendship. My apologies for asking you to listen to my whines and stupid jokes. My apologies for trying to fulfill your every wish. My apologies for not knowing that exact 'every wish'. My apologies for asking something simple such as company. My apologies for dragging you into that incident-you're-not-supposed-to-talk-about. My apologies for making you wait for so long, although it wasn't my intention to do so, seriously. I don't have much control on others. I don't even have much control on myself.


Oh yes, bad habits made a comeback. Thank God Kucheng and Elly are there to limit my madness. Thanks, darls.


Finally, my apologies for being so weak, but the naked truth is... you are among a few people that I trust. Thank God Fiza is still there for me. Thank God there are Kucheng, Elly, Wiki @ Akmal, Mus, and a few others. Although Bob said that I'm a very independent person... I highly doubt that. Kalau Fiza buat begini... aish, memang lagi besar impaknya. Jauuuuuuh lagi besar. Alhamdulillah Fiza sangat sangat sangat sabar sama aku. Wa sayang sama lu, Fiza.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

ternyata

So, in the end I attended the Omegaians reunion without Anith mwuuu T_T But but but! Amazingly, around 15 of us came and gosh, not many of us had changed. It's just that old pal, Darren, had learned to be hypocritic LOL (but changed his attitude all of a sudden later)! So Quiwan had kept his hair longer than his old usual 'nearly botak' self. Haha. Sanjeve had grown thinner while Hariz turned out to be the opposite. The girls appeared to be... quite the same as they were -_-" Although it's sort of incomplete without another dose of crap to be delivered by John 'Kurin' Thong, I got to see him after that :) Since Darren, John, and I went to ABC Something2 at Old Klang Road for syisha :D The latter completed my day.


Talking of which... Mus messaged me this, "J0m syisha..kt0rg shisya..". Maaf, Incik Mus, tak cemburunya aku ni... although I'm undeniably missing you guys :'( Mus, Elly, Rauf, Wiki, dan Fiza, aku rindu kalian :( Tolooooonglah faham! And so do I towards Stucks :( Ada kelas pula mereka :'( Walau bagaimanapun hujung minggu bakal berjumpa dengan mereka ^_^ Dan, dan, dan, abang sulungku, Along bakal bertunang Ahad ini :D Doaku agar aku dapat anak saudara barangkali dilayan...? Alhamdulillah...

Monday, August 10, 2009

my every step to be erased

Thanks, Zariff, for reminding me of Collide by Howie Day once again. Nostalgik sungguh.


So, I'm home for several crucial reasons and one of them is to face and solve the conflicts.


Shut my eyes and whispered words of praises to The One and Only. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. I can now resume the journey lightheartedly. Although there were heart-breaking words heard, there were just a few of them. Just a few for so much more. After such a long time, I think I'd drop a few tears of bliss.


Tomorrow (11th August 2009), ex-Omegaians (2005 batch) will be holding a reunion at Old Town, Taipan, at 9.00pm. Well, I don't know any more than what was written in the Fbook event page. Come and join us ;) Hopefully Anith will be tagging along.


Them syisha cliques - Elly, Kucheng, Rauf, Mus, and hopefully Wiki shall be joining me in Selangor :D I'm supposed to search for a handphone during this hols and am thinking of dragging Mel and the rest along... although I'll be paying another visit at the same place with 'em syisha cliques :DDDD


Time to see Stuck crews :D

Sunday, August 9, 2009

touwaku shimasu

For unknown reason, the background of my blog suddenly disappeared. So, I had to put up a new one. An ugly and way simpler one.


UGHHHH!!!!! My head is killing me!!!
Shouldn't have laughed at Wiki when he was experiencing it yesterday :( Sorry, Wiki mwuuuu...


I can't concentrate much on writing this post (if only someone can come over and open my skull up, HONESTLY!), hence the unorganized contents.


I feel tired. I feel so tired. I feel so tired. I feel so damn tired. Mentally. At times, I wish to vanish into thin air... or maybe become invisible... or perhaps turning off my emotional switch and turn into a puppet. Oh yeah, you may toy me around as you wish then :D


I just feel so tired. I'm starting to give up on, "Seek to understand than to be understood". I'm quite sure there's a line drawn to everything and I'm quite positive that this is where the line is. Is it too much to ask for just a tiny empathy? I guess it is.


Ooooh, how warm they are on my cheek :)


It seems that... appearing independent isn't all good. You tend to be taken for granted.


Seriously, my head is throbbing like HELL!!!!


The reason I have the habit of looking at the sky so much is... at times, I wonder how it'd feel like living up there. Sometimes, I'd call upon the moon and stars silently to carry me up there and save me from all the troubles on earth. I want to ignore a few bastards so much, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Trust me, I already tried countless of times to kill this habit of mine, but... hampa sahaja.


Whatever it is... I'm going home today. Running away from so many troublesome arses. Hopefully beloved Stucks will steal my pain away (eh cheyyyy~). I'm bored of working my lacrimal glands already. Kecut dah kelenjar lakrimal aku. Penat lelah sahaja aku memberikan yang terbaik, kau pula senantiasa sahaja membunuh usahaku. Ambillah apa yang kau hajatkan, kalau itu yang kau rasa terbaik untuk kau... asalkan kau tak menyusahkan yang lain. Tapi............................. kau tak pernah rasa puas, kan?
"

I'm Supergirl, I come to save the world, but who's gonna save me?
", sang Krystal Harris. "Rasa ini sungguh tak wajar", nyanyi The Virgins pula. Gimana sih?
Tsk.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

ApaKah~

kepada kaliakalian,mus telah berjaya menghack masuk ke aku punya blog..jd...


AKU GILA!!!! this is mushi_furball speaking to u all..hua3...tolong lah paham..kpd kaliakalian jgn lah pk z gila...kekeke..bukan dy yg tulis suma ini..hua3...sumpah tak tpo0o...spastic gils...dah2..jgn wat hal..rlax2 sudah...kekeke...

mari belajar ayat z yg common....

1. spastic gile
2. ilek2 sudah
3. tulun lah faham
4. sumpah ta tpu
5. jom shisya
6. aku mau jamming
7. yadayadayada
8. ngomong sama tangan
9. BOBO
10. aku pon dah tatau nih...


kepada Z yg membaca post ini nanti, tolong lah jgn marah..nanti ko delete lah k..aku teda letak apa2 yg pelik..

muahx....

let me dedicate my lluv to my rumet which will soon be my ex-rumet wiki n nik...once again..this is mus okay...to andi who always understand me..to elly yg gdix who sakit gg p0n balik kuantan..hua3...to mushi2 yg comey..jejeje..dah3...the more i write the more i will get into trouble..

dun be mad Z..

Enjoy Life to the Fullest!!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

nanda sore?

I'm not much of a Korean songs fan, but this song is playing in my head endlessly - Lies by Iu. You may download it at 4shared.com (oh, hey, USM blocks file sharing programs as well, yippee).


Tak fahamnya beta. Si Rauf, Mus, dan Elly semacam sudah jadi 'terputus wayar'. Simtom mereka adalah menaip perkataan-perkataan yang tak masuk akal seperti, "Spastik gila, sumpah tak tipu (seperti si Mel suka cakap, padahal beta terlatah perkataan ini beberapa kali sahaja), etc.". I'll give it a week and I'm quite confident that the habit will wear off by then :D Nevertheless, lelaki dua orang itu sedang 'recruit' orang lain pula.


On weight watch currently. Pertambahan berat juga bermaksud pertambahan kemalasan. Kalau keluar malam lagi harus elakkan makanan. Ada kaitankah dengan kebiasaan 'mumbling'? I find it hard for others to comprehend my words lately. Hm...

berasap, angin, angin, angin

Sakitnya hati. RM70 melayang untuk Kaspersky Anti-Virus 2009 dan apakah yang aku dapat sebagai dapat balasan? 15GB memory hard diskku dimakan. Setiap kali cuba update anti-virus yang macam... *tak terkata* tu, makin teruk pula keadaan laptop. Initially, I suspected my Windows system folder to be infected. Rupa-rupanya si perisai pula yang telah ditembak hingga berlubang. Apabila dah uninstalled anti-virus yang membencikan ini, beberapa softwares dan internet programs gagal bersamanya pula. Sememangnya virus yang menyampah. Sehinggakan nak install anti-virus program lain seperti Avira pun tak boleh. Click punya click - no response. Nak download Norton Anti-Virus yang disyorkan seorang kawan kursus 'software programming' pula, website Symantec di'blocked' oleh Fortinet yang digunakan oleh pihak USM. Dilabelnya sebagai 'malware'. Kaulah baru 'malware' yang sebenar! Tambahan, blog aku dilabel sebagai 'pornography' sebelum ini.


To cut things short, I finally reinstalled the ridiculous Kaspersky Anti-Virus 2009 program. Since I'll be coming home in about a week time, I shall reformat my laptop and buy an original copy of Norton Anti-Virus program. I'm thinking of upgrading my RAM as well since I often meddle with softwares related to graphic and animation stuff. However, I'm in a dilemma of deciding to buy an external hard disk, especially with my recent medical exam result. I'm grateful for it, judging by my studying method. Sememangnya seperti seorang pemalas TEGAR! Teman sebilik sibuk belajar 2 minggu sebelum peperiksaan, aku sibuk keluar pergi syisha atau pantai. Belajar secara efisyen pun dalam 2 jam sahaja setiap hari. Pandang nota kuliyah malas. Yang lain menghadap 'textbook' aku pula menghadap Facebook. Aish... sememangnya berlainan dengan caraku dahulu. Alhamdulillah masih okay. So this time, I had also set another mission which is to get excellent result as I used to or perhaps a better one while still maintaining the posts I'm currently holding :D I'd really like to give a huge smack (not literally) to the very person that said to me, "Aku harap aku boleh kalahkan kau lagi kali ni", a few minutes before entering a lab for OSPE paper. Thanks, dude, 'kata-kata semangat' anda sangat 'diperlukan' pada waktu itu. I'm sorry that I'm not interested to be a 'vegetable' like you. There's much more to life apart from studies and I'd like to explore them while managing my studies well. Insya Allah boleh!!


I'm looking forward to seeing 'em Stucks this 9th August :D Kishie will be picking me up wushoo! Let's see how Mellie will react to that XD Karaoke mari~ And also hanging out with 'em syisha clique (Mus, Rauf, and Elly) around Selangor and KL, but Mr. Wiki Kaya won't be joining us this hols. He said something like his father doesn't allow him to come home this coming hols. Sob... see you in Kelantan ja lah, Wiki ya? Heh heh. Howeverrrrrrrr, I'm having doubts about Umi and Ayah letting me out until late at night with the recent incident. Cuba memujuklah. Adakah kali ini si Jamboo (Fahmi) berjaya keluar sekali?