Saturday, November 28, 2009

selamat hari raya eid ul-adha :)

More contents to be updated tonight, insya Allah :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Rasid KB

Most of you will probably not understand this since, well... except for students who stay in a university, others might be using personal line for surfing the net. Well, anyway, since my university provides each of us a wireless line that has depressingly low capacity for information transfer, once in awhile, we'll encounter a page titled 'ERROR: The requested URL could not be retrieved...' and bladdah bladdah, and at the end of the page, there will be 'Your cache administrator is RasidKB (although they had changed it to webmaster now' written there. Whatever it is, it means that surfing the net becomes challenging and rocky somehow... especially having to press F5 to refresh the page again and again and agaaaaaaain. The next thing that proceeds it will be cussing RasidKB, whoever that person is. I somehow sympathize him, but can't help feeling agitated at the same time.


Okay, actually, the paragraph above is just another random thought of mine.


I started taking sleeping pills yesterday. One thing I can say - IT WAS CRAZY!!!!!!!!! It makes me annoyingly much more sleepier than before. I'm starting to have delusion on the possibility of me beating Kishie at sleeping. Dia tidur banyak haha. Anyway, woohoo, Dr Zarina will be helping me on getting a sample of medication for curbing nicotine addiction, insya Allah. Alhamdulillah :)


And oh heyyyy, my elder sister, Wani will be engaged to Syafiq Zakaria soon, insya Allah :))) Another happy news is what I need right now, really ^_^ So, I might be coming home just for a few days to attend her engagement. Hopefully I will not miss the 'sarung cincin' part just as I had missed Along's T_T Mwuuu... it still makes me sad having to remember that. With all my heart, I wish Along and Wani will get married soon and have a blissful life, but these news mean another thing too. It means Umi bombarding me with the same question again and again. At no surprise, the question is always about, "Awak takda boyfriend ke, Ira?". Haiz... I'm already at my limit just by facing 4 major challenges in a period of 2-3 months. Takpalah... yang penting, belajar elok-elok, tolong orang, jadi manusia yang baik, and hopefully God blesses me in everything I do. God is indeed the all-loving one.


Okay, sleeping pills are kicking in its effects already. Eyelids are getting heavier... and heavier... and hea.......... zzzzzz (~_~)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

kaciak

Tonight doesn't feel as cold as it had been for days... and I'll finally sleep in a few minutes time (Do you know you're supposed to give yourself almost an hour of uhm... 'transition period' before finally falling asleep? Then only your sleep will be more fulfilling). Shoooh, early insomnia! And goodbye, late insomnia, you're finally away for GOOD.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

apa salahnya jadi anak yang baik?

From right to left : Along, Ahmad, Wani, and I (I look uber hideous here, but... yang lain okay kot :P)


While I was busy worrying about my past wrongdoings and asked for Along's Kelisa to be sent here instead of getting a new Myvi (out of guilt) as proposed by my mother, Umi bought something that... I had never thought she'd buy in the nearest time. That exact 'something' somehow planted regret deep inside of me on my previous decision. Nevertheless, she's all happy about it, so, I couldn't bring myself to change my request, because then I'll be swarmed with guilt once again. Besides, the Stream is always at home for me to drive in Selangor... just like Umi had said numerous time overhand. So, dear i10 was sent safely back to KL. Finally, a part of my unresolved conflicts disappeared into thin air. Whatever it is, I'm finally able to enjoy contentment :) Alhamdulillah... Weird isn't it... these few days are always about learning to "Settle for less", instead of craving for more and more as I used to.


So, the mission about curbing my greed for luxurious and unnecessary stuff is already halfway accomplished. Just a little bit more to go :) The other mission which is to accept a few friends' departure was also completed, not forgetting with the help of a few true friends. Part of my acceptance is to be contributed to the fact that I once more have my family members by my side, supporting me thoroughly. Many were talking about the problems with hedonistic lifestyle, but mine... I lost my love for hedonism a long time ago- which brings us to my third mission which is to let me once again enjoy the things I used to enjoy. When that passion was ripped off of me, I felt like the zest of life had died. Well, it seems like it's budding once again :) Next is to enhance the performance of my brain once again. It had been showing a few positive signs lately and I hope for lots more to come, insya Allah. Besides, Selanjar 3 Perubatan examination is about a month away only. Insya Allah, kita cuba yang terbaik. Amiiin...

just as it is

Finally, justice came knocking on my door... just now :) Thank God, thank God. "I don't need a better thing, I'll settle for less", just as sang by Pete Yorn, but I think I want to add my own part to that... "I don't need a better thing, I'll settle for less... number but give my deepest affection to the remaining ones and enjoy better quality of life". Clueless? My pleasure.

Friday, November 20, 2009

brrrrrrr, it's cold

Had to walk through the rain with a broken umbrella (borrowed it from someone else, since I had lost about 6 umbrellas already) and my pants ended up getting wet halfway... while trying my best to forget my stomach ache due to food poisoning. Once I got back, I had my lower limbs washed immediately and right till now, both of them are freezing cold. The rain hasn't stopped since afternoon. I could see haze hovering over the tennis court near my hostel. This is the time during which Kelantan feels coziest compared to other days. All of a sudden, I feel like dipping my feet in the river or sea. I miss the sea... a lot. While 'late i10' was around, Pantai Irama which is about 30minutes away used to be our hangout spot. It's okay, will be bringing another car over around January 2010.


Today had been a very tiring and satisfying day nevertheless. Albeit attending paediatric conservative class (= dental practices to be applied on kids) and periodontic class for the first time after my speedy recovery (Alhamdulillah) from major depression, skipping a medical lecture, Jijah and I stayed at the lab from 8.00am till 4.00pm, which makes it 8 hours altogether (quite a shock to me, honestly)! We had a brief break which lasted for about half an hour for lunch and that's all. Nonetheless, I finally got to see myself slowly getting back on track and although I was quite slow on pulpectomy (= emptying the tooth from the soft tissue in its core and fill the space with something else... the reason is to preserve heavily infected tooth), the hardest parts were already over, AT LAST! So, I treated myself with copying a number of movies from Che Din, who is the owner of USMKK bookshop..................... only to find out later that I copied BluRay movies and obviously my laptop is not up to its level (after losses and losses, I'm no longer much of a gadget fan), thus failed to play the files properly. GAHHHH! Now I'll have to wait while converting their format and enjoy them later.


Today, I'll be having a nightout with Jijah and Fiza, the two people who really, really, really has been sticking with me through thick and thin, studies and anything that's not related to it, guided me and giving me continuous morale support despite my resistance towards their effort. They can easily detect my mood change simply through my facial expression, even when I showed them my best poker-face. I think... they deserve a treat. I don't really know how can I repay their kindness. I mean... at this point, I'm quite left behind in fields that I usually lead them on. I mean... who can put up with a person who doesn't laugh to your jokes, cries when you bring up happy topics, slashes her wrist when you give her a pat, doesn't wake up despite numerous wake-up calls you're giving her, was busy with her emotions while you had to explain her reasons for absence to classes to lecturers and nurses, vomits when you're having your meal, doesn't smile for days, and many more... without accusing her for doing those things purposely, to seek attention, and accepts her thoughts simply for how they are? They put up with what seemed like my endless tantrums very patiently and now is my turn to repay them. I finally get to drop a tear of gratefulness... thank you, Allah... my cognitive function is restoring to its optimum state once again. Hopefully, by then, I can repay them in other forms as well. Saya sangat sangat sangat sayang sama kalian berdua. Tak tipu sikit pun. Thank you Allah for lending them to me :')

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

i am here to educate you

You know what, my insomnia is getting really annoying. I had been rolling on the bed for almost a couple of hours already, the lights were all out for quite some time, and yet my body is still refusing to fall asleep.


Might as well post an entry... since I'm dead bored here.


You know the thing with having major depression is... there's a stigma directed towards it. I feel like living in 1970s once again although I undoubtedly never went through that period :P Just because it's listed as one of the major psychiatric disorders, it doesn't mean it's an aggressive disorder. It gets funnier when many people even confuse it with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder! Let me put this straight - to those who don't read much, there is a long list of public figures who had experienced major depression at least once in their life. Let's see... Abraham Lincoln had it at least twice already. Jim Carrey had it too and he even bravely made it public a few years ago. J. K. Rowling had it during the early days of her writing Harry Potter novels. I will not waste my time listing all of them though :P You'll get the point......... as long as you're not a simpleton :P


Things are quite simple. Depressed patients' daily life might change a little bit here and there... oh, alright, maybe in severe cases, huge changes happen, and they might be down for quite some time. As long as you give us moral support to them in any way and assist them in getting the RIGHT treatment, with God's will, they'll recover... although the mean time of recovery from clinical depression is about 3 months (or so... as I read somewhere. Don't take it too seriously though since I can't recite my source). Just bear in mind that forcing ideas into them and hope that they'll turn back into their former-selves is just ridiculous. If things were that easy, clinical depression wouldn't have captured the eyes of previous researchers and antidepressants wouldn't have became so popular now. It's when they're being forced to push the depression away in whatever way that is possible in such a short time that some of them are forced to fake themselves to be happy but the main problem is rooting itself to them stronger and stronger by day... but to do so (giving them support) would mean for you to stop being self-centered and learn to understand that... not everyone thinks the way you do, experiences the same thing you do, and what-not.


Do you know of those drama scenes in which a depressed person (not talking of a person who's delusional that he/she is depressed when he/she is actually not) is scolded harshly by his/her close friend to somehow slap the sense out of him/her? And suddenly the patient recovers and sees things in such a refreshing way? It's silly, seriously. If you do so, that person might simply jump out the window the minute you turn your back to her... but that's just a suggestion :P

Sunday, November 15, 2009

dear, you have lots more to see

Dude, I seriously have no clue whether what I did about 20 hours ago was right or not. Just pray silently that it is right. Hwargh. The world doesn't revolve around me. I have to make some sacrifice. Again.


Oh hey, I had just finished the last Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, during previous medical leave, hence, a picture of speccy and hooded Zahirah was uploaded. Yaddah, yaddah, I know... that novel had been out for years already and really, I bought it right after Bloomsbury (the producer of Harry Potter series) announced its release. Somehow, I don't start reading any novel if I know first-handedly that I will not get to glue my arse to any particular spot for hours (or maybe days) just to finish reading it at a go. Having to go through my second year in dentistry during that time... I didn't think that's an option. Nevertheless, it was a satisfying read and once again, Harry Potter's imaginary world becomes dangerously addictive and so infatuating. Again and again, I have to remind myself of where I'm actually standing. Psychiatry block will starting in about 3 hours and I'm still here typing this entry. Jangan khayal!


Talking about being speccy... the specs I wore was just for show. I'm not bespectacled, although I honestly wish I can possess a pair of glasses. I have this feeling that it makes me look wise. WAAAAHAHAHAHHA! Again, the childish side of me had just showed herself, but seriously, my vision is perfect except for astigmatism. So, playing computer in the dark since you're 4 years old does pay back after all.



I uploaded the picture above on impulse. I thought it somehow looks dreamy :) Entah apa khabar si Anith. I lost her handphone number, you see, so I couldn't text her as I arrived at Subang last week... despite promising her to do so once I come home :( The fact that Umi, Ayah, Ahmad, and I will be moving to Nilai next year makes me want to see them (Stucks) more. Of course, I can always drive back to Subang when I'm in Nilai, but it'd be on a well-planned trip instead of an on-the-spot thing. The city does mean a lot to me after all, you know.


Whatever it is, back to working my way to becoming a good dentist! Time to get some sleep. Insomnia episode is back. I even took 2 doses of a type of antihistamine at a go which were supposed to kick some sleepiness in me. Apparently, they failed to carry their duty.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

God, please extinguish this fire of anger in me

Don't give false hopes to anyone. Don't give false hopes to anyone. Don't give false hopes to anyone. I've always tried my best to put you at ease... but how long can I stand my every momentum of enthusiasm being hampered by your insensitive actions, words, and thoughts?


I am... tired of this. I am so... tired of this. I swear... I feel so tired mentally over this issue. This headache is so overwhelming, it feels like my head is about to split into halves.


I am sure not of what feeling should I have right now, but the tears don't seem to stop falling down... but I sure feel like I'm the most selfish person on earth. I knew it... shouldn't have laughed too much yesterday. Oh... how I despise myself right now. I am certainly not a good person. I am certainly not a good person. Will I be a good person... one day?


With this... I think I'd better go with, "I don't need a better thing, I'd settle for less", and stop you from further pursuing the issue. I guarantee you... these complicated thoughts and feelings are beyond your comprehension and I don't expect you to understand them because... I had long given up on that - when you damaged my emotions too much for so long already. Goodbye.

Monday, November 9, 2009

1, 2, 3

One day you'll understand how I've felt all these while. Hopefully time will be on our side for that to happen.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

drops of jupiter with a tinge of melancholy

I wish I'm not this afraid of losing. Oh... how I miss the old times when taking risks wasn't a big deal.


I hope the day will come when you finally understand my intentions and myself. In the meantime, I can just pray for the best of everything. Wallahua'lam.


If only I had the guts to show more of myself back in those times... hwargh! Benda dah lepas. Nak buat macam mana.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

a twist in my story

Sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit, jauh, jauh, jauh lagi sakit daripada self-inflicted injury!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!... no, it's supposed to be - AAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! On a second thought, the type of the pain this time is sort of new to me... what an interesting sensation.


It's a fact that everybody's pain threshold is different. That means, whatever that's not painful to you might be very painful to and vice versa. Just my daily scientific rumbles, though. What I'm actually trying to say is my pain threshold is somehow relatively higher than the people around me... of which I perceive as a blessing, but that also means if I find something to be very painful that I say it out loud... oh well, you understand better.


Huargh! When you have ample of time and you don't bother spending them on meaningful things, ridiculous thoughts will start looming over your head. This is my current thought - I feel like putting a hole through my lower lip once again (I wrote in this manner intentionally, go figure it out). It had been almost 6 years since I let the hole seal itself. My last DIY session wasn't eventful... except for being forced to remove it after only 3 months, but I'm quite sure the docs will kick me out of the clinic or hospital if they see it or perhaps another rule will be added to our dressing code. I wasn't a good person, was I? Well, nor am I now. Still working my way towards changing for the better. Flex, flex, flex.

Friday, November 6, 2009

stop and think

Sounds are coming from the television. This place is illuminated with warm lights. The smell of 434 coffee specially brought over from Muar, Johore, is driving me to sleep... ironically. This J-shaped mini grinding machine in my body is filled with mi bandung Muar. The authentic one. These eyelids feel so heavy - I haven't had such feeling for a very very very long time already. Months maybe. Although it had only been a month or so since I last came home, this warm feeling had been absent for months already. Only God knows how thankful I am to finally enjoy it once again... but all of a sudden - OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Did somebody stab my right shoulder?! Oh... it's Mr Varicella Horror Virus poking around my nerves again. Hopefully, with this and God's blessings, I'll recover rapidly in whatever aspect that's possible, insya Allah :)


Nevertheless, this heart is so uneasy thinking of my group members who will be starting their third residency in just 6 hours and I'm here in Subang, missing all the fun and hardship. Hopefully they'll take lots and lots of photos especially that of my cigarette statue. I don't even get to give my final touch on it... but whatever it is, you get something, you lose something. That's how life goes... I guess.


A few hours ago, while I was on the plane back home, a few flashbacks and thoughts swarmed my mind.

"Trafik lambat nak mampus. Ni yang aku fed up KL ni. Okay, we, kita switch turbo mode, terbanglah".

"Okay, okay, cepat. Aku tekan ni", and he pressed the imaginary 'turbo switch'.

"Okay. Vooooooom~ Eh, tidur dah orang belakang".


*Thud!* *Swooooosh!!!* The sound of the air molecules hitting against the body of the aeroplane vigorously as it landed relatively more smoothly compared to my previous rides chased my previous thoughts away. I miss him... I guess. He was a close friend after all and was almost like a younger brother to me.


I bet the paragraph above will make a few people misunderstand my intentions, just like they always do. LOL.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

blessed


Whoa... Can't believe I had left this blog unattended for 4 days already -_-" It might be because I'm currently busy with the Community and Family Case Studies program (as usual, I'm the one in charge of computer-related stuff as well as construction of a statue of... malas saya mahu tulis di sini) and trying to get my body to heal as rapid as it can... but having to be so involved in the former and trying to catch up with current central nervous system block... body function is deteriorating fast :P



Well, for a start, about a week ago, as I had written here, a few of my lymph nodes (kelenjar limpa?) which are located around the neck enlarged (and hasn't shrank yet. Tsk.) and felt so painful that my neck became stiff without the help of analgesic cream and painkillers. I saw 2 doctors for it and both of them gave me wide-scope antibiotics which didn't help much.



Then, about 2-3 days later, the main culprit showed themselves. 7 skin lesions were visible at my back. Have you ever heard of an insect that is often called as 'Charlie' or its scientific name Paederus littoralis? It's an obnoxious insect which secretes chemicals that causes blisters and hey, it's very famous among USMians. So, blame the Charlies, I said to myself... until later when the pain becomes more and more excruciating.



Paid a trip to a doc. The diagnosis was 'suspected chicken pox'. She told me to come back if ever a new lesion appears, and yes, a new one did appear. Finally, it's, "Blame the varicella zoster virus!". I now have varicella zoster viral infection. This fellow - the virus - is the one that's responsible for chicken pox cases - a disease that's very common among us. Provided a person had that disease before and lives a healty life - acceptably stable health and isn't aged yet, the virus will stay dormant (inactive) in a part of our body called dorsal root ganglia. That's basically a meeting point for neurons (nerve cells) - the afferent ones (nerve cells that convey signals from numerous part of the body to the spinal cord and brain, mostly carry sensory information), mind you. Once a person is immunocompromised (the immune system is somehow affected by whatever condition), the virus will try to grab its chance and reactivate themselves which leads to another condition called varicella zoster (but it has lots more names)/herpes zoster (please don't confuse herpes zoster with the one you usually hear. Both are very different diseases). The thing about the adult one (in contrast to the child one) is... the virus plays around with the nerves. So my sensory nerves are going haywire now. Sharp pain and tingling sensation on my right shoulder, right side of neck, and right hands. Let's hope that the virus won't play around with my motor nerves (involved in moving muscles) next. And also... the child version tends to cause lesions all over one's body, but the adult version follows where the nerve goes. So it doesn't look as nasty as it feels :P



Perhaps... I really need to get a good rest. Not only my current condition stops me from getting all hectic, but it also stops others from forcing me to overwork myself. Praises to God.


The thing about this is... I'm now forbidden from joining the community for the CFCS program. I can only be the the planner and commentator of my own show. Hopefully the rest of my group members will do well there. Takpalah... siapkan semua benda grafik pun jadilah... tapi... hm. Sabar, Zahirah, sabar. Allah knows your every pain and hardship.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

may i be your disease?

This weekend might had been the most... nerve-wrecking and heart-warming weekend in these past few months. Ayah... Umi... sayang sama kalian. You might be strict. You might be judgemental, but whatever they are... you guys are part of the reasons I am Zahirah of today and I mean that in a good way. That's just how you show your love, I keep telling myself till today. I hope... Umi and Ayah can bear with me through all these challenges. I'll recover soon, insya Allah... with time. Thanks, guys, for the great weekend.


I had been unfair to a few people, but I guess it's my fair share - it's my turn now to do so, but... having to say that, when would this cycle come to its end? Truth is, just as a few people are turning into some sort of disease to me... me, myself is becoming a disease to others. So, in the mean time, I think it's best for all of us to stop forcing anything into each other's mind and action, and start loosening ourselves. The message is clear, therefore, I don't intend to write more on that.


Whatever it is... to forgive is what I am succumbed to. So, don't worry too much. I always wish the best for 'all of you'.


All the best to everybody who's about to sit for their finals, especially to my friends in the university whose fields of studies converge to health sciences. All the best to all of you, insya Allah.