Wednesday, December 30, 2009

it's

It's that sincere smile. It's that honest care. It's that frank embrace. It's that unconditional company.


I've found my true friends. I am finally sure they are the true ones, indeed. 'That step' was not another wrong one made. Finally :) Thank You, Allah, for lending them to me. Thank You.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

strum that C#minor

This is weird. I somehow like Inside of You by Infant Sorrow, the fictitious band, played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall movie.


Whoa, time does fly so fast. It's already Wednesday. That means, I'll be coming home tomorrow! Insya Allah :) This time, it'll be by bus - agak berdebar aku ni. Hopefully the driver will execute his job carefully.


I had a weird dream yesterday, but I can't recall the exact content. I only remember waking up later and I actually got confused between dreams and reality. I can only recall getting a letter from someone. Woke up and tried to find the letter. Pfft. What was I thinking -_-" Entah apa content surat tu.


Keadaan fizikal laptop dah nazak, sob... Tengah taip blog ini pun boleh nampak seekor semut tengah travel blakang screen laptop (belakang ya, bukan depan). Rasa nak gelak pun ada. Rasa nak beli laptop baru pun ada. Tapi, pitih takdo. Lambat betul biasiswa nak masuk ni, tolonglah pehe.


Anyway, I'm thinking of revealing 'the secret' soon. Soon enough.


* Change of mood *


What if you finally let someone interfere your medullary activities? The one that controls your chronotrophy and inotrophy of your heart? In the meantime, this mind is against it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

y'all wanna single say touch that

No kidding! At this rate, I sleep once every couple of days!!! Gahhhhhh!! I don't need this when I have to overwork myself for another few weeks. Tengah licinkan model gigi pakai sandpaper pun rasa macam berada di awang-awangan. Since I already set my aims as mentioned in the entry below, I'll have to make them come true, with God's will. Jadi, lebih penuhlah jadual saya.


Semalam sahaja... bangun pagi untuk kuliyah pagi sampai tengah hari. Kemudian, beli nota dan seterusnya berehat lebih kurang sejam. Lab round pula bermula 2.30pm sehingga hampir 4.00pm. Nak kejarkan deadline hantar denture punya pasal, apa lagi, terus ke dental lab lah. At 6.10pm, I figured out that I couldn't proceed more since the false teeth are with my technologist, En. Fairuz. So, there I was, on my way back to my room. Changed into sports apparels and went out for jogging with Jijah and Fiza. Slightly more intense abdominal sounds were heard, so, Fiza and I went to D'Village right after we jogged to buy our favourite food - SUP BELUT! Sedap, tak tipu langsung. Came back and did what we're supposed to do. Had a short rest and plucked my guitar just a little while. Next, I started to work on my physical examination report - I'm supposed to present it to Dr. Aloenisa this evening. Gah, agak berdebar. Decided that I was too tired and my mind was wandering somewhere else, hence, my current activity - blogging, and whadda you know, it's already 3.32am.


Kali ini terpaksa pilih kes chicken pox untuk chapter Communicable Disease. Ada satu sahaja kes typhoid kelmarin. Kasihan pula pesakit tu. Tapi... saya juga risau rakan-rakan sePBL akan cabut lari bila nak tengok pesakit saya nanti - lebih-lebih lagi yang tak pernah kena chicken pox. Masa inilah nak pakai pengetahuan cross infection control dan etc.


Working my arse off through this week so that I'll get to enjoy my weekend :D That'd be worth it, insya Allah. Tapi... saya tak tahu berapa lama saya boleh bertahan macam ini. Selama ini bolehlah saya berbangga dengan bacaan haemoglobin antara 13-14.0g/dl+. However, recently my skin turned pale too frequently already. Lately, I had been experiencing signs that correlate with classic migraine. I hope I will not inherit vertigo nor migraine from Ayah. Tak mahu makan ubat T_T


Zahirah... it's time to let go.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

that's what Mr. Nietzsche call as 'sublimation'

Albeit not exactly knowing how the words about me smoking syeesha were spread here in my university, I have to admit that it stained my reputation a little bit. Nevertheless, it also means another thing - I can talk about it freely in my blog :D Haha. A few weeks ago, I figured out that I really need to refocus my aims and start acting accordingly, hence, a few changes were made on my lifestyle from that point onward.

1. Started decreasing my frequency of syeesha smoking from approximately four times per week to once every fortnight or week.
2. Started jogging approximately four times per week. Since my duties as the batch leader has decreased a bit, I no longer spend much of my time walking between dental and medical schools. Stamina was so shamefully low.
3. Started reading on lecture notes after their respective lecture.
4. Finish my prosthodontic and paediatric dental assignments within a fortnight.


No pain no gain. If I really want to be the excellent student I once was, I'll have to defeat MDD and its associated symptoms. I also made up my mind that... people can bitch about me as much as they want, but I can't let myself down just because a few pests hit my windshield.


Will be coming home this weekend :) Fiza and Jijah will be tagging along ^_^ Hopefully I can get the time to see 'em - Fana, Mel, Anith, Tra, May, Kishie, and Hannah. Hannah mentioned in her blog about jamming with the rest of the Danishes. Gyaaaaa, aku mahuuuuuu~ There will only be a full couple of days for me to do whatever I'm supposed to do T_T My schedule will be packed as 'heaven'. Umi and Ayah will not be home, sob... they will be away for my cousin's wedding reception in Endau, Johore. I'm not exactly sure what Dr Zarina told Umi, but Umi said she'll try her best to be back by Saturday night. O_O! That's quite rare. Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah for that. Finally, I'll be bringing a car to my university. Will not need to message Ese to rent his car anymore :DDDD Nonetheless, he had helped me a lot towards my recovery. Should thank him.


See, I'm supposed to clerk a patient (check and interview patients) in 12 hours time. I suppose I should be off the internet by now. Goodnight and wassalam :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

ada apa dengan Cafe World?

Saya tak faham langsung kenapa rating Cafe World saya tak naik sampai sekarang walaupun makanan bertimbun serta beraneka jenisnya. Hm...


Well, my weekend came to its end a few hours ago (ya, kepada anda yang tidak berada di Kelantan, Terengganu, atau Kedah, berseronoklah lagi). Frankly, I wasted it with lazing around, but then, frankly again, I think I deserved it. Last week almost drained my energy to the very last bit - HONEST-FRIGGING-LY.


Since I'm well on my path of recovering from MDD, my excuses for feeling lazy will run out soon enough. Even my Melody Written Out blog (personal tab archive) is getting dusty again, at no surprise. I was reminded of it by Incik Nasrul "Roy" Hanif. Cemana dia tahu pasal blog itu, saya pun tak pasti.


Yaddah yaddah yaddah, anyhoo, I still have to take care of my health, therefore, I can't afford to laze around and leave my laundries undone, my bedroom untidy, and let the opportunistic microorganism make my place as a habitat. For unknown reasons, Wani and I get ill very easily, but I sympathize Wani more because... dia lagi senang sakit :( Speaking of which... I bought love letter biscuits just now and while gobbling a few of them, I found out that they actually contain lactose (read their box). Terima kasih, lactose intolerance, aku mahu muntah ni.


p/s: My apologies for the boring entry. I'm quite a boring person, you see.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

bombard these thoughts with bullets!

It's 5.36am already. My insomnia is worsening once again, I guess, and I don't think I'd fancy having short-term memory loss (or long-term after chronic usage) for taking alprazolam tablets T_T Guess I'll have to make it through without those drugs :(


My chronic post-traumatic stress disorder isn't helping either. It's not that funny or exciting anymore to get dreams about spinning almost every night, you see. It's not funny too to shiver or get anxious just at the sight of any hatchback that's similar to the one that used to belong to me... even thinking of it alone becomes stressing! Perhaps cognitive and behavioral therapies aren't that bad after all (not as bad as it sounded a few months ago)?


So, here I am, boredom is numbing my mind and I'm left with ridiculous thoughts again :P Now, there are a few ideas floating in my mind currently -
1. I'm thinking of having my eyebrows done - like the one I drew (sorry for the badly drawn picture, I was lazy to run Photoshop) below

For some reasons, I find it extremely cool. ROFL. Have a look at Shota Matsuda's in Love Shuffle, yang samurai-ish look haha!

2. Since I'm about to receive my scholarship, I'm thinking of spending a quarter to half of the total amount to buy an electrical guitar. For some unknown reasons, Ayah didn't mind splurging a lot for a classical guitar (without jack, totally non-electronic), but as long as a jack exists on a particular guitar, it's a straight NO-NO.

3. Once again, I'm thinking of piercing my lower lip like I used to, but I'm very positive the doc will chase me out of the clinic if I'm seen wearing it... or even putting a transparent stick into the hole. An obvious NO-NO too.

4. I know the condition of my laptop is so bad physically and yes, I've heard enough of, "Tukarlah laptop, Z", already, but I'm seriously thinking of upgrading its RAM to 4gB.

5. I want to install Mortal Kombat, King of Fighters, and Street Fighter games... again :D Let's add Battle Realm to the list.

6. It's weird to have this one wish located at the bottom of my hopeful list - to complete studying central nervous system and reproductive chapters. See, my MDD peaked during both chapters.


I know, I know, I'd probably get more people getting all judgemental having to read some of the things above, but they're just thoughts. As Russell Peters said it, "Even if I were, they're my fucking thoughts. If would've wanted them to be true, I would've set them", sorry for the vulgarities, am just writing down what he said, hoho :P Nevertheless, The dialogue above only applies to thoughts no. 1 and 3.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

what's 'super'? what's 'tired'?

My eyelids feel so heavy although it's only 9.55pm. That's supposed to be a good thing, I guess? At least, I'm trying to kill my insomnia without shoving alprazolam tablets into my throat. However, I haven't finished reading on steel crown... HOLD ON! It's not 'haven't finished', it's more of 'HAVEN'T FREAKING STARTED'! Hopefully the extra paediatric conservative dentistry class for tomorrow isn't the last one, mwuuu... So, that brings me to my current attempt to revive my brain by playing Kesha's Tik Tok on my laptop.


On a more positive thought, today had been a very exhausting, but productive day :) This MDD thing had pulled me down so hard that my dental assignments were very far from completion. You know those things such as psychomotor retardation and social withdrawal come along with MDD, right? Well, they sure are disappearing away, bit by bit. Woke up extremely late today - at noon, since I slept at about 5.00am. Had to rush to the dental school for a meeting with a few people, but I was slowed down while on my way there by a few news that were quite troubling. Later, found out that there's no way I could squeeze having a proper lunch (haven't had my breakfast), so I stopped by at Che Din's small bookshop to buy Vico (bajet boleh dapat tenaga LOL!), but it was sold out :( So I bought juice and Hi5 spicy tuna bun (tak menyelerakan, saya tahu, tapi syukur dah ada makanan). Shoved the former into the pocket of my white coat, and continued heading to the dental school building while trying to solve the problems I had mentioned before. Made a few phone calls - sambil berjalan kaki panas terik dan sambil makan roti tuna. Tangan kiri pegang handphone, tangan kanan pegang roti, mulut berfungsi dwicara - cakap dengan orang dan kunyah makanan lalu menolaknya ke dalam tekak - semuanya sambil mengepit kot putih itu.


Finished waxing, making bite blocks and mounted it, and will start setting the teeth next (f.y.i, these are a few steps in denture making). I managed to see Dr. Zuliani for a few things and poured my teeth models for cons. Stayed till about 6.35pm. Next, headed back to my room, immediately changed into sports apparels and went for jogging with Jijah. Stamina aku dah rendah macam seciput sikit-sikit semput. Itulah, sedut lagi asap yang tak patut banyak sangat sampai CO level pun dah 14. Then, walked to D'Village which is situated outside of USM for dinner. Makan sup belut (sedap, ketagih dah aku ni) dengan nasi putih dan air teh o beng (go figure out yourself haha) saiz L! Wahahahaha! Puas hati gila. Walked to 7-11 next to refill my food supply (konon). Finally, I'm back in my room and found myself typing this entry. I want to vomit.

gotcha

Akhirnya selepas keluar kali ke-3 dalam minggu yang sama, AKU BERJAYA BELI BENDA ITU!!!! Jeah, bakar lemakkkkkk!!! Hahahahahaahaah~

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

when you know one has too much time to be wasted

This shall be a slightly provocative entry. So, you were warned already :)


Of all group pages established in Facebook, this particular caught my attention - we HATE those kids tht hangs out infront of the pavilion entrance group (kids that hangS out INFRONT of THE pavilion entrance? Please, someone, teach this kid proper English before permitting him to commit more crimes :P).


I saw the link to this page somewhere on my Fb notification board. Of course, I couldn't kill this urge to view its wall. It's very disappointing on how torn apart we could be just by bringing up a small issue, and yet so many of us are so ignorant on way more crucial issues such as how bad Malaysian economy currently is (and these people aren't helping at all - please add both negative and positive effects, you'll eventually come up with a negative value). It hurts too having to read comments on subjects such as visitors who come to Pavillion wearing secondhand clothes and etc. (whatever they are, they symbolise poor financial status). What an outrageous discrimination that is! I guess that's where the idiom, "Biar papa asal bergaya", comes in - are we ready to burn a hole through our pocket just to look tip-top, and feel somehow safe and confident when one brings up the topic mentioned? These sadistic words usually come from the mouth (or in this case, the fingers and keyboard) of kids who are born in relatively richer family... so what about those who aren't really capable of buying lavish stuff? Don't they deserve to go to such places? So we're discriminating people now?


This brings me to another topic - kita suka menegur orang, tetapi kita sendiri tidak suka ditegur. Lebih memalukan jika kita sendiri melakukan perkara yang kita jadikan teguran. Please, be my guest... entertain yourself with comments such as, "Mereka perasan jadi 'trendsetters' dan the 'IT'", or anything of its equivalence. I'm not sure whether they did it consciously or not, but... such posts somehow made them appear as if they are... attention seekers themselves? It amuses me too to read things condemning people who dress/act like Westerners when the commentor him/herself is in one way or another is influenced by this 'budaya kuning' thing. I'd love to hear some talks but I'd prefer more actions to be taken.


I can make this entry so long that you'll vomit just having to finish reading it, but my point is... why do you waste your time doing so? Stop breaking each of us apart and start doing something that's actually efficient and productive. Although I'm proudly half-Javanese, it's not pleasant to see my other half blood doing humiliating things. Quoting my lecturer, "Sebab tu la dia jadi meLAYU. Layu je", and he's pure Bugis. It didn't feel pleasant to listen or even saying that.


Hold on. At a second thought, I somehow feel like I'm wasting my time writing this entry, but heck! I already finished typing it -_-" Tekan ja lah butang, "PUBLISH POST", tu :P

Saturday, December 5, 2009

you know what?

The grammar alone is incorrect, but who cares.

Anyway, I DESPISE, LOATH, and HATE WITH ALL MY HEART people with extreme views. I know that you have your own principles to hold, but that doesn't mean you have to force them into anyone (not to mention about making it so obvious) or show how rigid your thinking is. There are guidlines, but there are rooms for tolerance as well, or else I shall never forgive or accept any of your flaw from this second onward. Thank you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

a conversation

From left to right : Yasmin, Yana, Yan, Era, Zaty, Yantie, and Mazni.


Arghhhh, I am trying to suppress this 'hazardous' gas from escaping my gastrointestinal sytem (GIT) - a decent way of saying, "I WANT TO FREAKING f**t!". I shall never ever ever ever forget this (and so should you) - serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors cause GIT upset. Gosh, rumbling sounds have been escaping my abdomen now and then.


Okay, enough with medical jargons. I captured the picture above a few days ago, when the girls and I went to Pantai Sabak to attend Yantie's uncle's wedding reception. It was a traditional and simple event. How long had I forgotten the warm feeling villagers can give you (especialy since I had to be excused from the last residency of the CFCS programme).


As I had mentioned before (and so did the media when they reported about floods in Eastern Malaysia), it's monsoon season now. Musim tengkujuh. Everyday feels as cold as it feels when summer takes over winter in Melbourne (ecehhh reminisce sikit zaman dulu)... but with more humidity! It had been... almost a year already since I last had my vacation overseas. Nanti buat masters baru buat di luar negara, insya Allah... harap-harap boleh major dalam oral maxillofacial surgery.


Well, anyway, when it's cold, as usual, all of us here feel lazier than we usually do, and when I said "All of us", I'm obviously not excluded. I didn't even notice that my white coat (a.k.a lab coat) is already dirty here and there until just now as I was ironing it... and the next class that requires me to wear it will start in about... 6 hours -_- Memang tak sempat nak keringlah kalau basuh sekarang, mwuuuu... Then, I turned off the light at my side of the room and looked again at the coat. I said to Fiza, "Eh, white coat tu nampak bersihlah bila tutup lampu", and she started nagging me for saying such unnecessary thing. Haha.


Speaking of which... yes, I have a class in 6 hours time, so I think I should be on the bed already. Goodnight and wassalam, everyone.

p/s: Do you disagree with this sentence? - It's as cold as hell!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

i sleep with a stethoscope on

Pāx is what I'm searching for...

Today, I had a lecture on 'Sedative Hypnotics and Anxiolytics'. To be translated in simple English, the lecture was mostly about drugs that induces sleep-like state by depressing a few functions in our brain. Although I read the topic overhand, I honestly skipped the chapter on their side-effects... and had to learn it later (during lecture of course). The thing about this drug is... I'm currently prescribed alprazolam which is a type of long-acting benzodiazepine (to treat my insomnia) which also happened to be included in that very lecture. Now I understand the reason Dr Zarina emphasized the part where I'm supposed to take that drug only when I really think is necessary. It's because it may induce AMNESIA (memory loss)!!! And I just started to gather things again! Nonetheless, thank God, thank God, I only took it once in the past week, mainly because I had very bad daytime hangover which means I felt verrrrrry sleeeeeeeeepy during daytime. I could barely focus during discussions and lectures and all I did during lunch breaks was to sleep.


So, just recently, I found an awkward method to help me falling asleep. To sleep while listening to my very own heart beat (but remember to remove it right before sleeping, or the pressure on your ears will be very painful later). Ironically, I can't fall asleep while listening to songs. Besides, doing so may interrupt with conversion of short-term memory into long-term memory - according to one of my lecturers.


Anyway, a friend advised me to discontinue taking these escitalopram tablets I'm swallowing every night. Enquired the doc about that. She was quite startled (for reasons I shall not write here). Then she said, "Kita... kena tahu keupayaan kita... takat mana kita mampu",(+/-) and told me to continue taking my medications (I never defaulted though). I'm convinced now... it's okay not to appear strong at times and not to push myself too hard for the sake of others especially, because in the end, it exerts 'wear and tear' effect on me, not on them.


You know... all these incidents, they are God's way of teaching me numerous lessons and they opened my eyes to those who have always been here, with me. I had wasted my love, money, time, and so much more on so many wrong people indeed... but hey, nothing goes wasted :)