Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tok Abah, semoga gembira di sana, insyaAllah, setiap yang lahir pasti akan mati. semoga kita berjumpa kembali dalam keadaan yang baik.

This will be a long post. A tribute to late Tok Abah.

He was a fighter and of darah ningrat (Raden) from birth till he returns to the Ultimate Creator. He was a kind hearted grandfather who spoilt me because apparently he found me to be the kindest one in the house (sebab saya ja yang slalu ada di rumah. Kenapa lagi?). He was a great and loving father who brought up 5 children who grew up well... so well, I'll have to say. He was an obedient servant of Allah. He was a teacher to so many people - his wives, children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, and so many others whom I know not of. He forever and ever will be my Tok Abah.

It was around 3.45am. I suddenly woke up despite already fell into deep sleep around 12.00am. After my MDD had entered remission, I no longer experience insomnia, hence, rarely waking up in the middle of the night. I sweat quite a lot, for some reasons, but fell asleep a few minutes later. Ayah tak bagi bangun tengah-tengah malam tanpa sebab munasabah - such as study. 4.11am, a message came in, sent by Along. The content was, "Tok abah dah meninggal. Pkl 4 pg. Along.". The same message was sent to Ahmad. The fact that Ahmad and I were the only ones to not able to attend Tok Abah's funeral was very heartbreaking.

Nevertheless, I only got to read the message after Ayah gave me a call which was at 5.27am. "Assalaamu'alaikum. Dah bangun? Dah baca mesej Along?", he asked. "Tak, Ira baru bangun tidur. Kenapa ya, Yah?". Ayah paused and later said, "Hm... Tok Abah dah meninggal pukul 3 pagi lebih tadi, nak dekat pukul 4". "Huh??", (I'm not allowed to use 'hah', 'eh', 'hm?', 'ah', or anything of their equivalence. Anak aku pun tak boleh cakap macam tu nanti :P) I splurted out. "Dah... kita doakan supaya Allah ampunkan semua dosa Tok Abah... semoga Allah merahmati roh dia. Baca Yasin untuk dia... pergi solat...", and he went on saying a few more things which I couldn't recall because I was too distracted at that moment. As I hung up the phone, a few drops of tears went down my cheek. Macam- macam cuba aku buat untuk kebaikan bersama selepas itu. Hati tetap gundah walaupun redha dengan ketentuan Allah.

Last raya was my last time seeing Tok Abah. He was very thin. Way thinner than he was a decade ago. Ayah asked me to massage Tok Abah's hands and legs. Alhamdulillah his vision was so affected that he can only see light and nothing more than that, or else he would've been able to see my tears at that time. His hands and legs were very cold. His muscles were so wasted (a term in medicine to describe a shrinking muscle).

"And he whom We grant long life - We reverse him in creation (weakness after strength). Will they not then understand? (Yaseen : 68)"

I no longer find massaging him tiring as I did a few years ago. I was taken aback as Tok Abah suddenly joked in Javanese language. The older he got, the more he spoke in that language. Yes, this Javanese blood running proudly in my blood vessels came from his side, masyaAllah. As I bade him goodbye and visit Tok Mak (Ayah's side) next, I said, "Tok Abah, insyaAllah, kalau umur Ira panjang, jumpa lagi raya depan atau awal sikit...". His reply was, "Aku rasa aku tak sempat dah raya tahun depan. Aku dah tak kuat dah... Dah tak kuat dah...", which left me restless as I drove the rest of my siblings to Tok Mak's house.

Frankly, this news was already anticipated. A few days ago, Umi told me that she's on her way to Johor Bahru to see Tok Abah who was ill at a hospital. As I called Umi, I found out that he was already experiencing end-stage renal failure (ESRF). His legs were oedematous (swollen) and he vomitted a lot - which indicated signs of metabolic acidosis, a complication of ESRF. His consciousness was impaired too. God willed it... Tok Abah was almost 90 years old, therefore dialysis was not an option for him. He wouldn't survive such invasive procedure. All the docs could do were to lessen his pain and let things be more comfortable for him. I continuously sent prayers to Allah for his death to be as smooth as possible, but of course, even Rasulullah (peace be upon him) described the pain he felt during his dying experience was as if a silk was being pulled through torns. I prayed for lots more... and Alhamdulillah, Allah granted my wishes. He was in pain for such a short time and left to see his Creator. May Allah bless his soul, forgive all of his sins, and anything that is good for him. May his soul rest in peace. Al-Fatihah...

For unknown reasons... the same thing happened when Tok Ayah (grandfather on my father's side) passed away. His departure was quite unexpected due to some reasons and my family and I were in Sabah for vacation. At 3.30am, I suddenly woke up despite the comfortable and calm surrounding during that time. About 10minutes later, right before I fell asleep, I heard Ayah answering his phone. Next, Ayah called on me and asked, "Ira tak tidur ya?". "Tak. Tadi terbangun tidur. Tak tahu kenapa". "Hm... Tok Ayah dah pergi...", he said. His voice was on a faint vibrato.

Both incidents may be because I was quite close to both of them. Berapa kali kena bantai dengan Tok Ayah. Nakal sangat... Macam-macam Tok Ayah ajar - memancing, parut kelapa, cabut sabut kelapa, buat ketupat (tapi yang ni tak berjaya sampai sekarang :P), cara nak kenal pokok ubi yang dah masak, dan banyak lagi kemahiran untuk hidup. Ayah's McGyverish skills came to no surprise then. Sepanjang Tok Abah duduk di rumah kami pula, dia selalu bagi duit, borak-borak dalam bahasa Jawa yang aku selalu iyakan sahaja, ajar aku bahasa Jawa, kena tendang dengan belon strawberi oleh aku (masa kecil ya), jaga aku masa aku demam teruk plus diarrhoea di rumah arwah, kerusi roda dijadikan mainan oleh Ahmad dan aku, dan macam-macam lagi. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh datuk, nenek, dan moyang-moyang kita dan mengampuni dosa mereka... Amiiin.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

hedo hedo hedo

Satu hari satu entry. This is one of the symptoms of a disease called Otarkbrassap disorder.

It rained very heavily from morning till evening. There goes my jog and sit ups. Lemak banyak, tersumbat-sumbat arteri koronari dan arteri dalam otak ni. I guess I'm very close to reaching my threshold today. Tengok, dah 9.36pm.

Homesick. Argh. Jarangnya aku rindukan rumah. Hari ini, Umi tak berapa gembira (due to confidential reasons) :( - according to both Umi and Ayah. Cuti CNY nanti aku balik, akan aku luangkan masa puas-puas dengan mereka. My brain is decoding things at an abnormally low speed. Way slower than before. Must be due to my past MDD. Ah.

EH! A message had just came in from Ayah. He said that Umi is waiting for Merlin to be played on TV. He said, "Kira ok la tu", LOL!!!! Apa niiiii pelik-pelik ja.

Mel posted this picture on her Tumblr. I find Tumblr very inconvenient as I can't rant rubbish at her page (ANGRY! ANGRY!). Nevertheless, this is one extremely CUTE rabbit (LOVE! LOVE!).

Ok, bye and wassalam. I need to resume my revisions. Otak kurang berasap. Fire was extinguished. Sebelum merapu lagi...

Monday, January 25, 2010

ketika susah hati

"Those who spend (in Allah's Cause) in prosperity and in adversity , who repress anger , and who pardon men; verily, Allah loves Al-Muhsinun (the good-doers). (Al-'Imran : 134)"

Yesterday, my heart was filled with so many negative emotions. It actually built up a few days ago and Alhamdulillah, I shed a part of them as I spent my day with Ayah and Ahmad the day before yesterday. MasyaAllah, reading these few sentences, extracted and translated from the Quran is enough to calm my heart till this second.

"Dan mereka (golongan munafik) berkata: (Kami) taat, kemudian apabila mereka keluar dari majlismu, segolongan dari mereka memutuskan pada malam hari satu rancangan yang lain daripada (pengakuan taat) yang mereka katakan (kepadamu). Sedang Allah (perintahkan malaikat) menulis apa yang mereka rancangkan itu; maka berpalinglah (wahai Muhammad) daripada mereka, (janganlah dihiraukan apa yang mereka rancangkan), serta berserahlah kepada Allah; kerana cukuplah Allah menjadi Pembela (yang memeliharamu dari angkara mereka). (An-Nisa' : 81)"

The "... kerana cukuplah Allah menjadi Pembela (yang memeliharamu dari angkara mereka)" got me crying worse than a baby last evening. If you read An-Nisa' more, you'll find a few repeatitions of this sentence... and yet, quite a number of us resorted for amulets and other entities -_-" As much as I'd like to appear strong, MDD had my mental strength shaken so badly that I became CHENGENG! Ah, bukalah kamus Jawa/Indo sendiri. I easily forgive, but I hardly forget unpleasant events, and I am somehow sensitive which makes me very vulnerable, yakkkkk, now THAT!! Coming from me! Haha. Recalling this too, "Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong, believe", by Yellowcard in their Believe song.

Umurku sudah mencecah 21 tahun. Kematanganku... sepatutnya sudah bertambah juga. Oleh itu, aku sedang cuba SEDAYA UPAYA bersikap sematang yang mungkin, dan mungkin kau juga patut mencuba begitu. Kerana, "Action speaks louder than words", dan "Your body speaks your mind", aku taklah begitu buta dan tuli. Lakukan kebaikan demi Allah dan bukan untuk menggembirakan orang lain semata-mata. InsyaAllah kau akan dapat kepuasan yang lebih nyata.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

because listening is sometimes believing :)

While Paan posted about how great his newly bought computer mouse is, here is my own version of entry on my new Logitech V120 Laser Mouse which I bought last afternoon. I FREAKINGLY CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE PRICE DROPPED ALMOST HALF FROM THE INITIAL PRICE WHEN I BOUGHT IT HALF A YEAR AGO!!!! GAHHHH!!!! See, after only a couple of months using the old one, somehow it got lost (or misplaced as usual, my bad). During that time, this thing costed me RM109.00. Obviously I was devastated later. So it took me another 4 months to finally make the same decision I made before. Tech does get tremendously cheaper over time doesn't it?

From left to right : Yenyen, Poisze, KS, Alex, Foo, Adrian, Renming, Yiying, Z, Chang

Yet another annual thing in USM - I had just attended the USM Chinese New Year celebration, just like previously. The deco was... MIND-BLASTING (please watch Russell Peters to understand this). The performances were... FANTABULASTIC. The crowd was all dressed to impress (Yiying told me 1200+ tickets were sold whoa), which brings me to this point - I dressed up cincai boncaily since my energy was sucked out earlier that day. That makes me more excited to attend CNY celebration for next year :)

From left to right : Aisoon, Poisze, me, and Yiying

Before experiencing yet another episode of amnesia, I'd like to express my gratitude to my coursemates, especially Yiying for her lovely company :) Sorry I banyak tak faham and you sanggup explain semua. Terharu, gyyaaaaaa!!!

So what actually happened earlier yesterday? Ayah came to Kelantan ^_^ As I had written here before, Ahmad is now in Pondok Pasir Tumboh to dig further in religious studies while waiting for his SPM result to be announced. Spent time with Ayah and Ahmad from morning till late in the evening. Truth is, lately a few problems came up. Well, things can't go according to our will everytime, can it? Sebaik-baik perancangan kita, Allah adalah perancang yang terbaik. Confined a few of my problems to Ayah while doing futile attempts to hold back my tears, he said to me a few advices softly. I'd like to share a few of them here, hoping it would do good to others as well. He said, "Kalau bercakap itu perak, diam adalah lebih baik", which knocked the sense into me - sometimes, it'd be better for me to keep my mouth shut when it brings no good. He then further said, "Kalau kita tutup keaiban orang, Allah akan tutup keaiban kita. Kalau dicari keaiban orang, mesti akan jumpa. Orang yang terlalu mencari keaiban orang lainlah jenis orang yang rasa diri sentiasa betul". "Jangan mengumpat pasal orang lain", a reminder I had repeatedly listened to and read about (please refer to the Quran).

Tak kira darah daging sendiri atau tidak, aku tak patut mengumpat, apatah lagi mengajak atau diajak orang lain. Oleh itu, saya tutupi entry kali ini dengan satu lagi peringatan yang Ayah telah beri ketika saya mengunci diri dalam kereta semasa berada dalam tahun 1 doktor pergigian, "Siapa cipta manusia?". "Allah". "Jadi, siapa yang cipta hati manusia?". "Allah". "Haaa, tahu pun, doa itu adalah senjata orang Islam. Doa seikhlas hati minta Allah bukakan hati orang-orang tertentu". Terima kasih, Ayah. Terima kasih, Allah, kerana meminjamkannya kepada aku.

p/s: Don't worry, I'm no longer as sad as I was before. You had given me another form of strength and another valuable experience. Nothing is really a mistake unless you repeat it. Thank you, dear :)

Friday, January 22, 2010

"Hello, bang", saya berbunyi macam nok?

Tik... tik... tik... Time is leaving me at such a high speed. Problems are being persistent at accompanying me. A few good friends' birthday had passed by. Happy belated birthday, my very very helpful assistant, Ah Beh, yang suka berlagak chumil punya senior padahal tak sedar tua (hoho) Faliq, and the out-of-the-box thinking senior, Ayien.

A battle of bands is about to come. I initially backed out from my own band which is made up of Rezza, Ajon, Elly, and Amirul, just during this battle. The reasons being my hands are already full with so many things and revising for the coming Selanjar 3 Perubatan Fasa 2 exam being the main part of it. Later, Ayien asked whether I'd join his band for the battle. Hm... since he's already in his final year, I answered, "Okay kot", without further thinking. So now I'm feeling guilty towards Rezza since he insisted for me to join him in the first place. I guess Ayien will be busy too, therefore, I won't need to attend numerous jamming sessions, hence able to revise my medical stuff more beforehand. Come to think of it... I'm a selfish bastard at that point. Hm...

The day before yesterday, I was shocked to hear my own voice sounded like a guy's as I woke up from sleep. Acute laryngitis (sakit tekak lah lebih kurang) rupanya... The doc who treated me and I are quite positive that the infection is viral in origin. Sakit-sakit sendilah jadinya. Exam 10 hari ja lagi. Hidung pula sibuk nak tersumbat-sumbat, tekak sibuk nak baling keluar kahak, mata sibuk nak rasa mengantuk saja. Hm...

Semalam rasa nak terkucil bila jumpa doktor Klinik Rawatan Keluarga (KRK) USM, Dr Long, who happened to be serving as a locum doc at the clinic which I visited yesterday. Habis berlubang-lubang muka aku akibat ditembaknya dengan soalan-soalan medikal apabila mengetahui saya adalah pelajar doktor pergigian di USM. 60% soalannya sahaja yang berjaya aku jawab. Hm...

It's family time. I wonder whether Wani had received her farewell gift that I had sent last week. Ahmad is back in Kelantan :) He's studying in a 'pondok' while waiting for his SPM result to be announced around March. He said, "Aku dah terlampau duniawilah", and I was taken aback hearing that. Alhamdulillah, adalah juga adik yang dapat pandu aku dalam hal-hal agama. However, he sounded troubled when I called him the day before yesterday. The thing about my family members... bukan saja nak mengada, tapi badan kami sensitif terhadap banyak benda. The one who is most sensitive to unhygienic things is Ahmad. Jadi, aku sangat risaukan dia. Kadang-kadang terasa pelik apabila memikirkan keadaan di tempat orang yang belajar ilmu agama... ilmu yang menekankan kebersihan, kotor. Tapi yalah... ilmunya sudah sempurna. Penuntutnya sahaja yang tak amalkan kebersihan. Habis sahaja peperiksaan, aku akan pergi menjenguk dia, insyaAllah.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


72 was achieved the day before yesterday ;D

Looking back at those times, hey, I had actually took a wise step (Alhamdulilah) and became who I am today :) Come to think of it, it's as if I've been protected time and time again by Allah... despite committing sins repeatedly. I'll write more about this later since I really need to get a rest after working myself quite much today :) Lecture today will be about snake venoms, jeahz :D

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

beri satu, seribu kembali kepadaku

Today, I chatted about rabbits with a friend... and it reminded me of you, Danish :'(

Sunday, January 17, 2010

diff note

"... kerana kau... sudah biasa semua perkara jatuh ke ribamu. Kau sudah biasa lari daripada masalah. Kau sudah berasa senang menyalahkan yang lain. Kau sudah terbiasa segalanya tersedia selesa, mudah, dan sempurna mengikut kepentinganmu. Masa ini ialah masa penentuan tahap mana kesabaranmu yang hampir tak pernah dipupuk itu. Kau takkan boleh lari daripada perkara ini...".

don't hand me a gun right now

I cried when I saw my hamster eating her babies. I cried when I saw Danish's (my late rabbit) tumour. I cried when watching a video about Canadians hitting seals alive just to capture them. I have a large packet of Whiskas cat food on my shelves. I have a large packet of kitten powder milk that is specially formulated to be suitable for both kitten and adult cats. I used to keep hamsters which I bred from a couple of them initially to 27 of them. I used to keep rabbits which I bred from a couple of them initially to 14 of them. I used to have a lot of fish which aquarium was cleaned numerous times by me despite having to struggle with worms that kept breeding in its decorative stones albeit being cleaned again and again. I have cats at home. I secretly threw a few pieces of chicken to my neighbour's dog when seeing it being neglected. I dare not squeeze an ant. I only blow them away. I don't kill any animal unless finding myself seriously harmed... but that has changed :'( Today, I did something accidently... something that I had condemned on for so long already. I rolled over a cat. I ROLLED OVER A FREAKING INNOCENT CAT!!!!! Someone should really roll over me right now. I heard the sound of its body bursting. The cat was black and white in colour. I was driving abnormally slow - 70km/h on a road with a speed limit of 90km/h, from Kubang Kerian to Pengkalan Chepa. I hit the brakes slightly as I saw the cat and it stopped just in the middle of the road. Since there was little movements made by the cat suggesting it'd cross the road at any moment, I revved the engine a little bit and suddenly it ran towards the border of the road and..................................... :'( Tak patut aku panggil diri sendiri animal lover. Tak patut :'((((((( Menangis sampai air mata darah pun perkara tu dah terjadi. My younger brother, Ahmad, who was sitting beside me tried to cool me down by saying, "Kau kena percaya qadha' dan qadar", "Kucing tu memang hitam tak berapa nampak pun", "Kuching tu pun pergi cross, itu yang panggil kucing tak reti bahasa. Kalau kau tak langgar dia hari ni, esok orang lain langgar dia", and many more, but still... you have to understand how much I care for animals. I once pulled a kid I didn't know away from a cat just because he was kicking a pregnant cat in the stomach. Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aku tak mahu telan alprazolam lagi. Amnesia yang aku alami sangat menyeksakan. Aku tak mahu hilang long term memory pula. Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati aku kali ini. Maafkan dosa aku :'(((( Benar, aku tak sengaja, Kau Maha Mengetahui.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

minta maaf sangat-sangat T_T mwuuu...

To my PBL group members, I'm so so so sorry for not attending our discussion just now. It was due to getting stuck in a horrible traffic jam as well as trying to get my learning issue printed and photostated. Unexpectedly (had never experienced such thing in my whole life... before :P), the whole Kubang Kerian, except for the area near to Demit, was experiencing black out! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, THE WHOLE TOWN SERIOUS-SHIT-LY! I arrived right after you guys had finished the discussion. However, I'll pass to you guys a copy of my learning issue as well as putting it here. Please click on the picture for larger preview. Thanks -_-"

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

thank you for who i am

"Tidakkah manusia itu melihat dan mengetahui, bahawa Kami telah menciptakan dia dari (setitis) air benih? Dalam pada itu (setelah Kami sempurnakan kejadiannya dan tenaga kekuatannya) maka dengan tidak semena-mena menjadilah dia seorang pembantah yang terang jelas bantahannya (mengenai kekuasaan Kami menghidupkan semula orang-orang yang mati) (Surah Yasin, ayat 77)".

Kepada insan yang telah menjagaku, mendidikku, dan mengorbankan haknya sepanjang hidupnya untuk aku...

Selamat hari jadi, Ayah (30th Dec 2009)

Taken from Elly

Ya Allah... how long had I left this blog? Add a day to it, and a fortnight it will be. Ah, who cares, let's shift to the next topic. Just as it had been for the past few years, once again, I had entered Pertandingan Pentomim dan Nasyeed Minggu Penghayatan Islam (still going on now :D). As usual, I was in charge of the nasyeed component of batch 08/09 of MedDen (medical + dental = medden haha) students. To be honest, things didn't go very well and I was mad right after our performance due to many reasons (especially in technical aspect), Astaghfirullah. However, later, numerous ideas popped up in my mind and I know that I'm ready for whatever that will come. Whatever it is, next year will be our year of glory, insya Allah (although I think every year is a glorious year). Thanks to those who had worked their arse off for the performance :)

9th January 2010 marks one of Wani's biggest events in her life (so do mine. She's my only sister after all) - she is now engaged to Syafiq Zakaria :') Finally, Wani, the one who had been whining about herself being single while her friends enter marriage life, one by one, is about to join them. I'm not good at showing my affection, but yes, I love my sister a lot and since I worry that whatever I do might trouble her (as it had been a long time ago), I tend to restrain myself from saying or doing too much. I almost dropped a tear as Syafiq's mother put on the engagement ring on Wani's finger, but, successfully stopped myself by forceful inspiration. The reasons being letting someone who I honestly don't know very well to take care of Wani (apart from Ayah) and that day was the last day of seeing her before she flies to Australia to further her studies. Semoga Wani dan Syafiq selamat berkahwin pula seterusnya dan berjaya dunia dan akhirat.

"Demi sesungguhnya! Kami akan menguji kamu dengan sedikit perasaan takut (kepada musuh) dan (dengan merasai) kelaparan dan (dengan berlakunya) kekurangan dari harta benda dan jiwa serta hasil tanaman dan berilah khabar gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar; (Iaitu) orang-orang yang apabila mereka ditimpa oleh sesuatu kesusahan, mereka berkata: Sesungguhnya kami adalah kepunyaan Allah dan kepada Allah jualah kami kembali. (Surah Al-Baqarah, ayat 155 & 156)"

Selanjar 3 Perubatan exam is only 18 days away and as I type these words, my fight and flight response is more intense than it was a few minutes ago. I really wish I'll pass this exam with flying colours (as well as other papers) and perhaps I can say this, "I have MDD and chronic PTSD and yet, I can still face the challenges of life", and somehow fire up others. I had lost a few friends, I had gained a few true friends. The former had my spirit crumbling into pieces and no, it wasn't easy to glue them back together. Even if I succeeded in gluing them back together, it may not look or function the same... and at this point, I had decided - I must fight and defend my sanity. "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali", and so the saying goes. In the mean time, I'll have to hold to some part of that saying. Sememangnya, tak semestinya perkara yang kita benci adalah tidak elok bagi kita dan sebaliknya. I used to enjoy the company of a few people, but rather than committing more sins and too dwelled in 'perkara yang mengalpakan' as well as hurting myself more just to make others happy unnecessarily, I think it's wiser for me to behave and think more maturedly and get out of my little cozy cocoon. Besides... I honestly think I'm one of the major factors of our break down. It takes time to adjust to changes, you and I do not need to force ourselves to suddenly swallow them at a time or else you'll end up suffering the same thing I suffered. I care for you guys as a friend, and for that... let's change for the better slowly. Patience pays, insyaAllah. Allah is all-knowing, indeed.

Well, anyway, I finally achieved my target of doing 50 sit-ups per day today!!! Although something weird happened while I jogging - at first my hands felt cold, then my veins started to appear congested and dilated. Next thing, all I knew was my whole hands turned into purplish blue colour and red next!!! 'Twas painful. I secretly suspect (now that I'm telling this here, it's no longer a secret, d'uh) I was experiencing my second Reynaud's phenomenon episode. Yes, it happened before. Next target - 70 sit-ups. Waduh, waduh, lemak gw banyaknya ora tanggung.

Thousands of apologies for the super-long post! Nevertheless, wassalam :)

p/s: Wani, sorry aku lack betul gambar Ayah yang elok-elok, curi gambar lu wahaha.