Thursday, May 27, 2010

home of messed up people

everybody wants a piece of who?

This trend of voicing one's insecurities through Facebook is getting dangerously annoying. And the most annoying part is complaining about it means another bunch of your friend joining or 'liking' any page such as 'Suka hati akulah, Facebook aku ke Facebook kau?'. Well, tough guy, suka hati aku juga sebab nak buang kau daripada Facebook aku and don't complain about that later. It's not pleasant to keep reading negative stuff on my noticeboard.

Yay, Anith had uploaded the pics captured during Got Talent Or Not competition. This very picture below is my particular favourite because Fifi nampak gatai, senyum dari telinga ke telinga, duduk antara awek-awek. Later he was caught red-handed by his girlfriend, Chika, after Anith tagged her. Bahahhaha, but it's just a pun.

Here's something for someone.

I hope you'll respect my principles. I have principles to hold. I have ethics to obey. Confidentiality is a patient's right. Do not overreact. Do not succumb to satan's whispers. They flood your heart with anger, sadness, emptiness, hatred, and so many more negative emotions excessively.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

things get confusing

I seriously want to send my resume to the company which Anith is currently working for. However, I'm giving this one dozens of thoughts. I really need money for several things naming a few of them - fuel for this sangat makan minyak Stream, etc. On the other hand, I'm very worried about my parents. If I take the job, who will accompany Umi and Ayah at home when they get back from their office? It's a night job. My biological clock will go ting tong, but yeah the former is what occupying my mind the most. Money money, how far can money drive one to insanity.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

lipas siak. Ayah's story.

Argh, Streamyx is being such an arse today.

I came home so late yesterday morning that I only got 10 minutes of sleep before driving Ayah to Putrajaya Hospital for his minor surgery. Ayah had been having a lipoma ( benign tumour of the fat cells, very very low percentage of transforming into the more harmful - malignant cells. Quite common) for about a year already. He decided to see the doc after letting me examine the lump. From my examination, the lump was located at Ayah's left lower back region, rubbery in consistency, immobile when tried to be moved and also no movement with muscle movement, 3cm x 4cm in dimension, smooth-surfaced, skin can be moved over it, and I could get over and under the mass. So the most probable diagnosis was lipoma (most probaby of subcutaneous fat tissue in origin). Although there is a very small chance for a lipoma to transform into liposarcoma (it's malignant counterpart) and for the mass that I had examined to be more serious conditions, I persuaded Ayah to see a doc as soon as possible, and Alhamdulillah, my diagnosis was correct. Ayah initially didn't permit me to tell about it to others since it's a very benign condition and he didn't want to bother anyone else. Nevertheless since I told him I'd like to share his case with those who study medicine, he finally gave me the permission to write this. (I'll keep Ayah's other histories private though)

Anyway, yesterday morning, approx. 11am, he underwent his minor surgery for total excision of his lipoma and it was a total success, Alhamdulillah. Only lasted for an hour and by 3pm, he was already discharged. Since I had only 10minutes of sleep yesterday morning and tried to keep myself fresh awake by bathing in cold water, I couldn't help but to sleep through his operation. My old man was the one who woke me up as soon as his surgery was over and I drove him back home. Umi, Ahmad, and Along weren't there. I'm not sure whether Ahmad and Along knew about this or not though. So, Wani, here's the story, maaf tak beritahu awal-awal. Ayah tak beri dia kata susahkan orang sahaja. Zzzzzz. Nevertheless, if such thing happens in the future I'll inform you okay, sis, selagi ada top up hoho :P

ANNNND this was the culprit that caused my lack of sleep for yesterday hoho~ Anith, Izzi, quite a number of friends, and I went to The Library yet again to watch Jaer's b-boy group, Rokusteps's performance as a part of Got Talent Or Not competition. Out of 10 groups which made it through quarter final, only four were picked to advance into semi final and yayyyy Jaer's group made it throughhhh ^_^ Hopefully they'll get that RM30k :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

bcause i'm a whiner

I know I'm quite a whiner. Wait. Not 'quite' but 'very much'. You know myself too well and those things undoubtedly gave me palpitations which I guess resulted from my anxiety disorder, but they scare the crap out of me as well. Let me get over my trauma first. Make me forget all those craps first. Even if they were your friendly gestures, my brain perceived them as a threat... just like when others did the same thing to me. I don't know, they just squeeze my lacrimal and its accessory glands and now I can't stop them from producing those fluid out of confusion. Dang I should work on these problems soon. Very soon. The amnesia pills aren't desirable at all.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

birthdays are fun

Top left pic : (From left to right) Ah Beng, Tra, me, Anith, Fana, Mel, and Izzi. Celebrated Anith's birthday at The Garden, The Curve, Damansara

"Korang tak nak celebrate birthday aku ke?", Anith asked again and again without knowing that we purposely delayed her birthday celebration so that she would be surprised when the day itself finally arrive. Well technically yeah, she was surprised and ironically so were we! Especially because we had been waiting for quite some time and each one of us were so focused on resisting the temptation to just gobble the food already served on our table. When she finally appeared behind me I almost screamed but fortunately my frontal lobe is working well so I didn't. Everybody looked great that evening. Gosh I love all of you, Tra, Fana, Mel, and Anith.

And I'm trying my best to recall a few sentences from Izzi's message to Mel while trying to coax Anith to The Garden. Something like....... hm.... "I punya role susah"......... "I tak boleh buat benda di luar kebiasaan"...... "I tak bagi dia tidur balik walaupun dia penat" (Izzi is undoubtedly one soft-hearted guy therefore he usually lets Anith to get back to her sleep). All of them in one message which was much more of a monologue rather than a message directed to Mel XD p

So recently our family had been visited by quite a number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. All of them came to send their child to university for the very first time. Pak Teh came to send Zahran who is a Mara scholar to Intec for 3 months before finally flying to Egypt and complete his bachelor degree in doctor of dental surgery there (of which I am so proud of. Two dentists in a family :D). Next was my own younger brother Ahmad who's a JPA scholar - joined Zahran at Intec one day later for 3 months before flying to Egypt too and complete his medical degree (Ajah had gotten her Dr. title recently, congrats! Zahra and Ahmad are well on their way, Alhamdulillah). Mak Cik Niah came to send Khaidir to UPM and UKM both for an interview to continue his studies in education field of studies. Pak Uda came to send Ajah to Putrajaya for her induction week before starting her housemanship (all the best, Ajah!) and also Fikri who was accepted into UIA in computering course. And just a few hours ago, Mak Chah came to send Luqman to UiTM Puncak Alam to start his foundation in engineering. Alhamdulillah, so far, the descendants of Haji Daud Hussin are doing fine, I am so grateful to Allah. Up to this second, my late Tok Ayah had 62 grandchildren :) Sesungguhnya anak itu adalah amanah kita dan arwah Tok Ayah dan Tok Mak sememangnya telah memberi yang terbaik untuk kesemua anak mereka. They deserve this, Wallahua'lam.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Close my eyes, inhale deeply, exhale fully, and finally... what else if not to go to bed? The morning air is great. Incik Bulan sekali lagi datang melawat saya seperti biasa. Sakit :'O

I hope everybody will cease from self-destructing. It's sad. It's sad when it happens to me and I'm quite sure it's sadder when it happens to others. This is cliche, but try to look at things more positively. I'm not an expert at this, but trying doesn't hurt... hopefully. I'm here to lend a hand, both hands if necessary.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

what hurts the most

Thanks to C.S.I, What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts can't seem to stop playing in my head.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Mellie Jelly.

"Mel, I'm somehow jealoused of you guys"

"Apasal tah?"

"How can you guys like a person?"

Mel laughed.

"Why can't I do that too? Not since matriculation?"

I push people away, but I just don't know why. I can't think of anyone in specific for me to lean on whenever I'm at crossroads or dwelt in problems (apart from my close girlfriends). When one rises his hand above me, "He's about to hit me. Imma dead meat", that's all I can think of and just freak out later. Jatuh cinta dengan Mikael, gitar elektrikku itu sahajalah :P

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

it's out finally

Well, today I'll gladly risk my ears for this one. The line that was drawn between 'too loud' and 'loud enough' was officially erased a few hours ago - temporarily only though :P

Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold (latest single)

Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold (A7X) is finally here paying me back for the months of anticipation since Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan's death during end of last year, and of course that means the main focus on this single will be the drum riffs beautifully played by Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater who was invited to temporarily fill in The Rev's shoes (he insisted on concentrating on Dream Theater although I wish he'd be A7X's permanent drummer) for this album and a few tours. After listening to the track for more than ten times already, I couldn't help but to be reminded of the late drummer. Hats off for Portnoy, the similarities between his drum riffs and those of Portnoy's in this track are so striking (although Portnoy's usual drum riffs aren't much like these), you can definitely hear them from the very start of the song, and I couldn't welcome this more.

Nonetheless, the track resembles Critical Acclaim from their self-titled album especially the way the vocal started. I don't quite know how to describe it though :P The first verse somehow sounds like it came from James Hetfield of Metallica (if you had listened to Metallica's stuff enough, you'd understand this). Portnoy's fast, harsh, and forceful drum riffs are great, quite similar to the ones you may hear during the intro of A7X's Blinded In Chain, Second Heartbeat, and etc - in a way, I personally think it has already became A7X's signature sound. The contents of the lyric however don't sound much like their self-titled album in which case I thought they had mellowed a little, but rather darker as observed in the Sounding The Seventh Trumpet and City of Evil albums. It's surprising to listen to M Shadows doing a little bit of screaming here and there (he did say before that he doesn't want to do much screams anymore). Well again, Synyster Gates, Zacky Vengeance, and Johnny Christ combined at playing melodious guitar ad bass riffs harmonically, an element used a lot in Lost. The piano part starting at fifth minute reminds me of A Little Piece of Heaven (listen to ALPH properly and you'll hear the piano). Gates's lead-line was great too especially at the start of the song, although I still think his best lead-line is the one in Afterlife (although some might argue that the one from Eternal Rest is the best one). Overall, the song is badass. Very very very A7X-ish which means it's great for A7X's fans but to those who are expecting different music style from them (their style did change drastically from City of Evil to the self-titled album), this track might not be the wisest choice. Personally, I like it but I'll have to emphasize that there are other A7X's tracks which are better than this :) R.I.P Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan and Ronnie James Dio of Heaven & Hell (-16th May 2010).

I'm thinking of buying Slash's self-titled album next week. Having to pay for a few books this week, I think I'll have to delay that plan for another fortnight. I'm not sure how much it costs though. Uh, my financial status is honestly on a rocky road right now. Despite how tight I clutch my purse, my money is still able to find its way out. Bahahhaha, blame it on the ma-ma-ma-money, baby.

On a different note, today I saw a few photos which left me very heart-broken. Aih, sabar sahaja. These tests are here for at least a reason. You have went through worse, Zahirah, this is just another minor one. Be at peace.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

seize my day

Song 1. Haven't inserted drum and rhythm guitar riffs as well as interlude.

Help! I've been feeling quite sick lately, thanks to my lactose intolerance. It's a fact that lactose intolerance may worsen with age and I guess I'm AGEING. FREAKING AGEING. In no time I'll be an old lady, no longer 21 year old, with a hunchback (if not hunchbackS), coughing with blackened lungs, staggering my way down and up the stairs, and... well, who knows. Makan cupcakes pun boleh muntah. The usual Very Choc Berry from Juiceworks means emptying my stomach, ironically.

I think, a trip to the psychiatrist, Dr Zarina, is crucial once I get back to my university. Have a trauma to handle. No, not the new one, it's an incident that happened years and years ago. Nonetheless that very trauma successfully holds me back from doing hm... wrongful acts from syarie's point of view, which makes thinking twice to actually counter it inevitable.

Argh, what is this thing hardly pounding against my chest wall? 'That thing' felt so wrong. I think I need to do Vasalva manoeuvre on myself. Kasi cool sikit. Cool down, Zahirah. If only cooling down is as easy as clicking on the overheated room in Hotel City. Yes, I am so addicted at playing Hotel City. Jom main game Facebook itu supaya saya dapat 'duit'.

A pat on my back for finally resuming my workout a couple of days ago. Had been living a very sedentary life since hols started, but don't blame it all on me. Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, baby. Not literally though. It's Jamie Foxx. I don't consume alcohol at all, strongly emphasizing on this since according to a few narrow-minded (whose cranium is extremely small I guess, their brain can't expand at all) jackasses, syeesha smoking means losing your virginity, consuming alcohol, clubbing, and other not-my-type sort of activities. The accusations are ridiculous but somehow hilarious.

Can't wait to meet Farhanah soon ^_^ Gal, you had been missing in action lately. Miss you T_T

Monday, May 17, 2010

i'm supergirl, i come to save the world, but who's gonna save me? happy birthday to to to to Anitto~

To my 'sister', the one who likes to nag at me but almost never fail to bring joy to my every day,

Anith, Happy twenty-second birthday!

Thank you for sticking up for me when so many things failed me. Thank you for listening to my every music-related rant although it's obviously not a passion of yours. Thank you for being my friend for so many years, I had lost count of them myself. Wa sayang sama lu okey. Uhhh, ni ayat Izzi patutnya gagaggagaladygagagagaga!


Okay, next - Congrats to Jaer (of Rokusteps) for advancing to quarter final of You Got Talent!!, organized by The Library (The Curve) which resident DJ is the uber cute DJ Baby Boy Sean. This time, their performance was undeniably mind-blowing, such improvements that I did not foresee. Kalau ada masa datang tengok untuk cast your vote for Rokusteps :)

DJ Baby Boy Sean Bennett

HMC Phlow's performance in 8TV Showdown 2010. Click play to watch the video.

Is this week about congratulating everyone? My imaginary standing ovation for HMC Phlow for their performance which was beyond... expectations (I lost my words sorry). Congrats Mail and Angah for successfully advancing into Top 11 in 8TV Showdown 2010 (watch them at 9.30pm, every Wednesday at 8TV). I'm still in disbelief seeing them so serious on stage when in fact they have always been our clowns of As-Safa. Mana ada orang minta, "Nescafe letak kicap sikit dan limau". Looking forward to the next round of Showdown 2010 :)

So Anith is now back in Malaysia and Mel's finals were over already yay! Jaer ajak buat persembahan di music cafe kawan dia. Segan siak. Can die. Ah haaa, talking about Jaer, yesterday something embarrassing happened. Izzi, Jaer, Nail, Anith, Fifi, and I went to a new branch of Al-Syeesha (I think that was the name of the syeesha cafe). Aku memang kena tukar dietlah, zzzzzz, saya terlanggar bong syeesha itu lalu ia rebah ke atas alas punggung yang bermotifkan corak Arab itu. "Sssssss", I could smell the whatever-you-call-it burning and the owner of the cafe was so nice (not to mention pretty too), she even made me a new one despite me insisting not to. Uhhhh, terharu T_T Dan terasa sangat malu. Mwu... Nevertheless, that place is great. For a start, it's more comfortable than As-Safa. I'll upload the pics later :)

Oh yeah, before I forget, Happy Belated Teacher's Day to every teacher out there and that includes my sister, Wani, who will be resuming her job as a lecturer once she completes her master degree :)

Finally, a happier entry, Alhamdulillah.

Friday, May 7, 2010

some things

are better left unsaid... and so they said, but what if this incident happened because I did so? Wallahua'lam.

Cooking is a good therapy. Contrary to general view, retail therapy doesn't do me much good :P But that might be because I'm too boyish. Hm. Lately, I've been feeling very anxious. Hopefully the previous anxiety disorder will not come hard at me. Well, let's distract my mind a little bit. Tomorrow will be doing a little bit of shopping with Anith (not for ourselves though) and hang out at Gravy Baby! that very night to watch Mai's friend, Phynaz's very first acoustic performance. I'm working on a proper song but as always, I don't find it satisfactory. It's always far from satisfactory. Get your head straight, Zahirah. Hopefully I'll be crazy exhausted the next day.

I don't understand why my heart easily weaken at times. I can't let people continue taking me for granted.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

experiment 1

Experimented with RecordForAll software for songs recording and mixing. Tried on a song which I made. Please be warned, this is my most boring and flat song. Because not much feeling and effort involved, I used it for... this experiment -_-" Hope to improve more on mixing in the future.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"get lost", she said

"Apologize, Zahirah", my heart said although the heart itself is badly wounded. Alhamdulillah, the fingers obeyed its command. This is my own jihad. O, Allah, please kill this anger and sadness in my heart for I can't seem to stop these tears from falling.

I'm sorry for willing to put up with all those beatings although a few drops of blood had trickled down my skin for a few times already.

I'm sorry for trying to please you both too much that I had spoilt you.

I'm sorry for changing for the better and listening to your every command that I forgot my brain's own commands.

I'm sorry for feeling sad when I'm ignored at home.

I'm sorry for feeling down when whatever I am so dwelt in is criticised so badly by you, day after day.

I'm sorry for accidently raised my voice for a few seconds (I swear it was a few seconds) when I feel that my points of view are actually pointless when they are cut off too frequently. In fact, I don't think they even matter to you.

I'm sorry for getting major depression after my near-death experience as well as what seemed like an endless damnation.

I'm sorry for keeping my mouth shut and not retaliating when being nagged around.

I'm sorry for wanting my personal time sometimes.

I'm sorry for crying when my heart feels like it and not having my sad face on a billboard for all of you to see, just because I don't want to hassle you with my own problems because I understand that you have your own affairs to handle.

Finally, I'm sorry for being just another human and perhaps a daughter that isn't good enough for you, but I am grateful for whatever Allah tests me with, because I know I'll get stronger. I'm grateful that I inherited patience from Ayah, but I have my own limits as well and before I end up killing myself, I'd rather run away from my stressors for awhile. I'm still rational, Alhamdulillah. Astaghfirullah... Astaghfirullah... Astaghfirullah...

Monday, May 3, 2010

the words are kicking in

Today... I.... is... feel... sads...

but hold on strong, and behold from the life you leave me behind

Aish addictive lagu pelik ni. I had just noticed that my blog lacks photos as well as relevant updates. But yeah since a number of my previous diaries were always read by any family member, I decided to give up on them. So I'm treating this one as a diary except that they usually contain codes and clues here and they if you can decipher :)

Who cares anyway, let's proceed. More stuff I did during this hols so far (see I'm not THAT obsessed with hookahs to not do other things apart from... the stuff I do with them) - numbre uno (is that even correct?), Tra, Mel, Anith, and I celebrated Izrin's birthday at Seoul Garden! It's refreshing to finally get to know someone new here ^_^ Plus, there's a bonus - she's a great person!

From left to right : Mel, Anith, Tra, and I

Spent the whole evening of 24th Apr 2010 with Ayah and Ahmad. Had lunch at Kak Ina (best ikan keli goreng I've tasted so far), chendol next (same old SS15 chendol), and scouted for waterfalls (went to Gabai Falls and Tekala Falls). Right after having chendol, we stopped by at Masjid Darul Ehsan which used to be the biggest mosque in Subang (obviously it's not anymore, but that's not the important point. Ramaikan masjid itu dahulu) where my former religious studies school, Sekolah Rendah Agama Masjid Darul Ehsan (SRAMDE) is. The school used to be very well kept, but it's not anymore :( Banyak kenangan manis dan pahit dekat sini.

That night, had a little get-together along with Wiki, Zarif, Kucheng, and Bob. We initially planned to have a marathon of movie-karaoke-hookah. Since Wiki and I were late (had a few activities with our respective family), we had to cancel watching movie, only to find out later that KTV, where we were supposed to karaoke was full-house! More than a dozen people were lining up as we arrived. Gils. Broken-hearted, we went to Castle Jalan Damai for the usual thing and later had supper at Murni. Absolute-freaking-ly bloated later.

From left to right : Wiki, Zarif, Kucheng, and Bob

As usual, to As-Safa (at Persiaran Utama), Anith, Izzi, a few other friends, and I went.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Went to The Library (The Curve) on 18th Apr to watch Jaer and his breakdancing group's (named Rokustep) performance for Got Talent? competition - which he asked me to join too as an acoustic guitarist of course. I obviously did not join because I'm here writing about them instead (what a stupid statement, I know. I'm awed by my own silliness at times. The inner-child, as they always say). Somehow regretted a little later, but it's okay :) And yay, they advanced to quarter final! It turned out that the resident DJ of The Library, DJ BabyBoy Sean, is superrr chumil okay! Aish, memang chumil gils... although there were glitches here and there while he was working on the mixer.

Did lots more stuff, but I am too sleepy to continue. Oyasumi ~_~

Saturday, May 1, 2010

the mind

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off dead and poof disappear. Perhaps she'll know her position by then. I'm trying my best to convince myself that Allah has His own ways and this is yet another chance for repentance. But I feel lost sometimes too, just as other Adams n Eves and today is just another sad day for me. Well, just as written in the Quran. Allah does create things in pairs and in this world, this sadness shall be the passage to so much more happiness, Wallahua'lam. Have faith, Zahirah.

Something about Joni and his under-aged girlfriend too

Unfortunately, I forgot to capture a photo of his girlfriend.

I just find this amazing despite already knowing their sense of smell is twice ours - so one day my younger brother asked me from outside of my bedroom, "Ira, Joni kat dalam bilik kau eh?". That somehow surprised me since Joni was indeed in my bedroom playing around under my bed, not making any sound, whatsoever. "Haah, kenapa eh?", I asked back. It turned out that his girlfriend (my neighbour's cat) was er... stalking (was it?) him from the front of my bedroom door. Freaked me out. It's sad though since his girlfriend is a small but beautiful mixed breed (dominant Persian side) and yet it was already castrated :P

I'm going to miss him a lot once I fly back to Kelantan, but it's okay. he's only in his early first year of life. Hopefully he'll live till his golden era. Cliché, I know. Oh, that's a hard letter to type since I had to take it from Character Map -_-"