Thursday, July 29, 2010

selamat hari jadi :) a year older, thousands of times wiser

Selamat hari jadi, dua kawanku yang cantik dan handsome - Elly Elinna Fauzi Lai (21st) dan Azizul Hassan (22nd).

May both of you become great people in each other's respective field as well as succeed in this life and afterlife :)

Today, I did my very first class I tooth-coloured restoration on a patient and Alhamdulillah, I did it pretty well. See, I had been running away from this type of restoration particularly because the moisture control needed for this procedure is the highest among all restorations - as I can recall :P This is mainly on posterior teeth where the saliva may bathe everything in just a few seconds (since patient was in a slightly propped up position). I lost count of the number of cotton rolls and gauzes used during the procedure and wasn't so sure when I inserted the articulation paper into her mouth. Was very worried of high bites and Alhamdulillah, her articulation was good :) Alhamdulillah again for being granted a very cooperative patient. Thanks, dear :) Do you know how playful I can get during practicals?

So anyway, just recently, I adopted a younger brother whose nickname is Daus (and I don't adopt kids just for simple reasons because it is a pretty sacred thing to me and because of this principle, I had to ask his family members' consent), with his mother's consent (I asked for consent regarding this too so don't worry much about me breaking rules). Yes, my very strongest man. I promised to visit him last evening but since I was doing treatment plans for such a long time for my patient, I missed that chance. So I told him about it and promised to visit him this afternoon instead. He replied, "Ok, adik akan tunggu", which was quite rare of him. He usually replies me with an "Ok", and just a few words following that. So I'm feeling guilty till now :( Everytime negative emotions hover around me, a simple SMS from him such as, "Akak watpe?", makes my day happier and you can see me smiling to myself at that time. I hope to see him grow up and bloom - just the way he makes our hearts bloom at the sight of his smile. But this makes me think of a few more things. This sorta things should come with a few responsibilities. Will I be able to be by his side when he needs me? How much can my presence help or make his day better? Even now with my hectic schedule, I could only visit him about twice to thrice per week, what more once I become a dental officer soon, insya Allah? Hopefully I'll be a very good DO and perhaps manage him as my patient :) Well anyway, I gotta get some sleep before seeing him in 10 hours time, with Allah's will. It feels so good to once again have a family member near me :') And Allah sends messages and aids to me in so many unexpected and amazing ways. You can see them if you really ponder and look for them, insya Allah. Nanti kena melukis chun-chun kasi lu tergamam punya, Adik.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

i love busy life

I clicked on 'New Post' numerous times already, but in the end, no post was published. To tell the truth, no word was typed successfully, perhaps secondary to immediately falling asleep once I finish my assignments. I'd really like to publish a new entry, just for the sake of seeing my blog being revived again, but... I'm too sleepy.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

you're the strongest man i have ever met up to this very second

You might be fourteen. Your frame might be so tiny that you appear as if you're years younger, but with that strength of yours, you put a man thrice your age to shame.

It was only a few days ago when I first saw you and I raised my eyebrows and grinned playfully at you. Little did I expect you to return them back with such a wide smile, exhibiting your missing teeth, so newly extracted even the gum has not receded yet. Less did I expect that you're carrying such a burden on your shoulders, but I least expected you to face it so positively. When that nurse accidentally displaced your drainage tube and the doc added yet another micro-hole to your already pale skin, you didn't even flinch. Instead, you smiled- that famous smile that brighten the day of every single living soul in the ward, and said it didn't hurt. It sounded so real I still have no idea whether you were lying or that's the truth.

Adik Bumblebee, I want to listen to your stories every single day. I want to have you here whenever I feel bored because I know you'll listen to my every word, even if they are requests for you to eat heavy meals which you dislke (unless I threaten to take it away from you because I'm always hungry while waiting the specialists to arrive for clinical teaching), or if I guessed the names of your Transformers figurineis wrongly. You'll patiently describe their role in the comic and movies. But I know, this is a very selfish wish coming from me. Allah knows best.

And today, as I entered the ward, all dizzy because I stayed up last night, you raised your eyebrows and grinned at me first instead. You even talked to me over that counter and all this while your voice was barely whispers. This evening, I saw you holding that figurine I gave you yesterday. You have no idea how happy I was to witness that.

I'll have to admit, a few weeks ago, I began to forget the responsibilities I have towards my religion, towards my Creator, and myself. Today, Allah reminded me through you. I gathered so many things, but I will not write them here. And today I felt like I have a family member in Kelantan again. I'm making you my younger brother tomorrow, insya Allah.

Thank you, Allah, for lending him to us.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

i see them bloom

Euro Fun Park, KB

The first week posting in paediatric department has passed. So did my very first appointment with my very first patient :) Alhamdulillah. Enjoyed my time at Kelantan's very first fun fair!

I remember a senior telling me this, "You kalau masuk year 4 year 5 nanti relaxed sikitlah". I wish I can remember his face so that I can ask him whether he was joking. So these are my routine activities during this posting - Wake up at 6.30am and prepare whatever that's needed. Drive to Hospital Kota Bharu (HKB) a.k.a Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II (HRPZ II) at 7.30am and you know, Kelantan is popular for its numerous traffic lights. To actually reach the speed of 100km/hour on the road is something that's very... rare. Reach the hospital at 8.00am and head straight to the wards. Look for new cases, clerk at least 4 cases per day, observe more procedures, and observe, and observe, and attend clinical teaching till noon. Have my lunch and solat within an hour. Attend a seminar which usually lasted for only a couple of hours till 4pm. Enter the wards again after that till around 5-6pm. Drive back to the university, which journey was as if battling for your life. You have no idea how the people here drive if you haven't experienced it yourself. 6-7pm, gasp for breath in my room. Rest till 9.00pm. Start to study cases present in the wards. 11pm aktiviti kegemaran - kuak lentang atas katil.

Yes, they said the most fun department is paediatric but, see... I have only carried babies exactly four times in my whole life and on all occasions, they were inevitable especially when your aunts and uncles force you to. I worry too much that I might drop them. They look fragile. They feel very fragile. They even sound very fragile. When they cry, it's the most heartbreaking music. And when they giggle, grasp my hand with their tiny fingers, and smile at me, it felt as if every single burden on my shoulder was lifted. Nonetheless, I shall try again tomorrow, insya Allah. This time, it'll be according to my own intention.

Alhamdulillah, Allah has opened my eyes to so many amazing things during this posting (not to mention during every single second of my life). The meaning of 'fun' is no longer the same, according to my dictionary. To actually lend a helping hand to any being means fun in a whole new perspective.

But you know what... this is my main concern whenever I increase my efficiency for whatever reason - I'll eat more kononnya untuk bekalkan sel-sel badan yang sudah bekerja keras. Padahal bekalan tenaga yang datang daripada lemak bukan main banyak lagi.

I'll talk on the dental stuff later. So tired. Yes, it's already weekend, but I'll have to do some touch ups on my elective report and complete my clinical case write-up. I need to study more on so many dental treatments..... and today is already - WHAT!!!!!??? SUNDAY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


At first, my mind screamed, "Oh no!!!", but as I saw those genuine happy faces smiling from ear to ear and showing as much teeth as they could and I heard myself saying, "Well, they're happy, that's the most important thing", but that made me think of another thing - I'm maturing kekekekekekekekeke. I'm supposed to continue this entry but... later! Off to Ridel to watch the final round of Showdown 2010.

Added later.

This was a lesson I learnt during my MDD period - If you keep living for the sake of impressing other people, you ain't gonna achieve happiness.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


A sketch I made some time ago

"Action speaks louder than words". If you want to put an end to it, I completely understand. It's not particularly a new thing to me. I'm too used to it, I dare not hope for more.

Friday, July 9, 2010

a few years ago and currently

This is me during early in my second year. I was in the middle of an examination and diagnosis (E & D) session. Just look at it, my ergonomics were down the drain. My posture wasn't right. I was supposed to sit upright, didn't put a bib on Kak Teha, and I did so many mistakes during that session, but well, gotta learn from them. It WAS my first E&D session anyway.

And now, I'm in my fourth year already, Alhamdulillah, exploring a more substantial amount of amazing stuff in the field of dentistry and its associated fields of study. However, this also means accepting more responsibilities and yesterday, praises to Allah, a nice lady agreed to become my patient. I'll do my best for you, so it's time to sleep and get back my strength. Then, I'll gather as much knowledge as I can to serve you.

I'm very nervous.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I think... I expect too much out of my friends. How am I going to feel grateful if that's the case?

Monday, July 5, 2010

nobody's words

"We see the same stars under the same sky,
We pass the same time,
We all live and die" - Trik Turner in Friends & Family

It might mean nothing to you but a micro portion of your time to be wasted, but it meant a lot to me and today... you had went against your words. Just another liar passing through this short life of mine. Just another liar. Just another liar...

now, now, heal

"Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night"- Cheryl Cole, Ingrid Michaelson, and Michael Altman in Parachute

Yesterday was a very very very tiring day. Classes dragged from 8.30am till almost Maghrib with only 45minutes of break at noon and they involved 4 hours of standing. Yes, that was our very first day of class in fourth year of bachelor degree in doctor of dental surgery (DDS.). Slept for only 5 hours after more than 48 hours of staying awake. Terkenyit-kenyit mata aku masa tunggu giliran untuk minta staff nurse periksa inventori kami. Salah sendiri sibuk nak tengok bola. Argentina yang disayangi kalah, tapi Germany yang pemainnya Ozil si chumil menang pula. Eyelids are closing down sloooowllyyy...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

angin kuat

Vvvvvvvmmmm dshhhh! The clock showed that it was 8.15am, "... do not switch on your handphone until you have entered the terminal building...". Oh, I'm here already. I'm in Kelantan already, time to play things more seriously........................ but all of these happened yesterday. It's 1.27am already which means Sunday is finally here. For those living in Kelantan, Kedah, and Terengganu, today is the day one has to start moving his lazy arse.

The day before yesterday was crazy. I had been living a very sedentary life for almost a week already due to upper respiratory tract infection, elective assignments, and etc. So I have decided that my final day of this oh-so-long holiday shall be filled with the usual stuff I had been doing. A bit of everything. I was a bit emotional the day before, therefore I took a wee bit too much of meds and wasn't able to think straight throughout the day. But a promise is a promise even if it's to oneself. Went out to get a few stuff as well as groceries with Umi from noon till late in the evening. After Maghrib, I started to pack my stuff which totalled up to an astounding 23kg thanks to Mr. Frontman (my amplifier). Did a little bit touch ups on my elective report till 11pm. Fetched Akam up at Shah Alam and to no one's amazement, I got lost. Blargh. So anyway in the end we both reached SS15 around midnight. Akam had his supper and me finally getting my syeesha dose and teh o panas tarak gula macam biasa. Well that's when things started to get more hazy. I couldn't syeesha as much as I usually do! WTF! WTH! WHATTAGWANNN! 45 minutes later, headed to Sys Ex Studio where I jammed with Ariff, Hanif, and Kamal. Forehead got sweaty, neck felt cold, vision was unfocused, was about to enter blackout. Had to excuse myself for 10minutes, which I regretted later. Hanif looked at Akam, "Weh, kau belikan ah air untuk dia". Thanks, guys, and again I'm so sorry for it. Jammed Naruto, Almost Easy, Afterlife, and Love Drunk. Headed to Forum19 in SS14 Petaling Jaya to watch one of the most exciting football matches in my life - Ghana versus Uruguay. Akam and I guessed Uruguay would win, Ariff and Kamal guessed the opposite would happen. Later I said to Akam again, "If it's down to penalty, Ghana's gonna lose this". They lost. Feet started to feel cold and head started to get sweaty, had to rest my head on the table. Had to surrender the syeesha to Akam again. Pulse rate jumped high again, nearly 150/min again. Damn. Had to lie down. Head was throbbing, started to gasp for breath again, and still, forced myself to stay awake, have to watch this match, have to watch it, have to watch it. Holiday was about to end. Match ended 5.00am+. Sent Akam back and reached home at 5.45am. Headed to airport at 6.05am, the queue was very long. Thought that it was better when I reached the airport just in the nick of time as before. 6.30am, hugged and kissed Umi, tried to persuade her to come to Kelantan since Ahmad's not studying there anymore. 7.00am the plane started to taxi. My heart felt heavy, I wore the same jacket I wore since the day before (but I bathed alright), shut my eyes tightly, trying to hold to every bit of moments I had during the holiday before those memories were grabbed away from me. Alhamdulillah, most of them are still here, lying somewhere in my brain.

Today I lifted the monitor of my laptop. It entered standby mode before that, ran out of battery. My display screen was as shown above. It felt awkwardly silent. It felt as if I was thrown to the moon and had to watch everyone else enjoying themselves on earth from far away. This very second as I resume this entry which I had left unfinished for a day, I'm finally gathering myself once again. Jijah is here. Yana is here. Ah Beh is here. My coursemates are here. Kerol and Fikri are here (for WC matches of course). I have another life here. A very different one. Be strong and cope with everything, I said to myself. It'll be okay. You did well before, go and do better!

Friday, July 2, 2010


It feels like the beginning of a Japanese drama series :)

To want to get something out, you've gotta have the balls to give something in first. And by giving away something, you've gotta know that you're risking it to be lost, non-refundable, but... till which point do you say to yourself, "Alright, stop, this is enough. You have nothing left to give away". And when that day arrives, I shall run away to a land far far away, hoping the heart will heal, some time, somehow, and by then, again, I'll give a part of it to another friend, another sister, another brother, another cousin, another child, another... human being. Give and give and give and give... and just hope for... world peace? What a hypocrite.

And when the chemicals finally kick in and you feel more relaxed, isn't that a good feeling? When the head feels so light your proprioception sense fails you. Now you know, those occasional amnesia episodes are okay, but you wish you could've chosen which memory to be lost instead of losing control of everything.

And finally, finally, you rest your head on a pillow, look at the ceiling filled with bright glow-in-the-dark figures. Put your orbicularis oculi in action and say goodbye to the world for a few hours. Tomorrow, a new journey shall start.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

This is

Penat-penat aku train jari-jemari ini... rupanya aku syok sendiri.

I've really tried my best T_T But I guess I'm not good enough so far.

i'm old, soon i'm gonna have a hunchback

I like sugarless tea since about ten years ago when I tasted sugarless cold green tea at Sushi King. I like almost sugarless espressos and I like them dark with no creamer added at all since I shared a cup of it with my late Tok Ayah when I was four years old. I like instant noodles with thick gravy since I was standard two when Wani and Kak Dayang played a prank on me during one night - I left the stove on and my curry instant noodle dried. I like Kinder Bueno more than any other brands/type of chocolate since observing Kishie's addiction to it. I like kuey teow goreng mamak since... I could recall my memory. I like bubur lambuk, only the one that is cooked by Umi, Kak Jannah, or myself (we all share the same recipe turun-temurun) also since I could recall my meory. I like ayam masak cili padi since I ate it for the first time during Kak Liza's wedding reception about ten years ago. I like nasi ayam since I recovered from major depression (I never liked it before). I like D'Village's sup belut since Jijah introduced it to me a couple of years ago in Kelantan. I like Kak Ina's ikan keli goreng, only hers not others since 7-8 years ago when Umi first bought me one. I like kampung-style nasi lemak since I can recall my memory. I like pears since kindergarten because it is the only fruit that's usually sweet instead of sour.

Can I try all of them before going back to Kelantan the day after tomorrow?

"All my bags are packed I'm ready to go. I'm standing here outside your door. I hate to wake my brain up to say 'you've gotta start moving your arse'"...

"I reach towards the sky, I've said my goodbyes, my heart's always with you now, Subang"...

Cis, nak melayan perasaan lebih, padahal di Kelantan nanti kejap sahaja mula lupa dunia dan dalam masa dua bulan insya Allah kalau saya siap kerja cepat, saya boleh balik cuti untuk beberapa hari. Goodbye, oh, my longest holiday ever before I die.

and yezzaaaa and noo ahhhh

Yezza because Al-Fakher answered my call through Dz, Hanif, Azie, Ishrat, Ashraf, and Aqasha bahahahaha! It was like a mini reunion with Kimi, Faiz, and a few other friends tagging along later. But I guess I shouldn't have gone to Carlos's just now because I had to put up a healthier face and went back sweating like crap, I honestly thought I was going to faint as I fell down halfway to the massage chair and crawled my way to it like... uhm, it wasn't a nice scene, let's stop here. Self-induced-oxygen-deprivation. Ah ha. I shall not do that next time... but well, anything according to the reward center in my brain.

And nooooo because the Japan team was kicked out of World Cup. Argh, E-Honda. Argh, Tulio. Argh, Inamoto. Argh, Kawashima. Argh, bla bla bla. Guess what, I just found out that Nakata have started his own clothing line gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ok thank you.

Doc gave me something containing a chemical of amphetamine class. So I'm up till now... although I slept for 17 hours the day before yesterday. And I think my prefrontal and frontal cortex are functioning way better than before.

Here's a random thought - "Lagi best kalau hafal Naruto kan?", said Hanif and blarghhhh there went my mood, into the drain. I can't grasp the reason I just can't can't can't memorize the bass tab of Raising Fighting Spirit. The earlier part of the song is easy to memorize but the few repetitions in the middle and at the end is somehow hard for me to nail them into my grey and white matters.