As usual (not), I was rearranging my stuff for tomorrow's posting in surgery department, until suddenly, I noticed something to be absent from my view - a very very very important small blue book - my surgery logbook!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH!!! The above is just an exaggeration on how I actually acted as I ran downstairs to search for it in my car and it was NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!! So I ran upstairs once again and found it sandwiched between my Clinical Medicine by Kumar and Clark and Physical Examination by Tally O'Connor textbooks. Alhamdulillah! Jantungku bagai nak tercabut. Pericardial sac dah get ready nak let go dah ni. Then I sat in front of my desk, feeling very lightheaded and wrote this entry. Macam takda kerja lain nak buat.
Friday, August 27, 2010
So I was palpating (a medical mumbo jumbo for pressing on any body part in order to detect any mass in the body) a patient who was diagnosed with acute cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder). The rule a doctor or just any human being should always abide, "Do no harm", well I guess I forgot about it for awhile during that very bedside teaching session, conducted by a surgeon in HRPZ II, Mr. Imi Sairi. While I was pressing on my patient's legs to detect ankle oedema, I did ask her to alert me if she ever felt any pain, but I forgot to actually pay attention to her facial expression while doing so. Suddenly, my head felt light and it turned towards the patient. "Hoh... why... why is my head turning to the left? Why... why is there a hand on top of my head?", I asked silly questions to myself. It turned out that Mr. Imi was the culprit. He said, "Tengok muka patient tu", while grinning. The whole group laughed. If it's indeed soil that I was standing on, I might have buried my head into the ground, like an ostrich does.
Had a general dental practical session in the polyclinic the day before yesterday. I'm so grateful for doing better than before. I really think I should get more serious in pursuing my goals instead of fooling around like I always do. I wonder if I am good enough to become an oral maxillofacial surgeon. I wonder if I am good enough to even become a dental officer. Questions, questions, and questions, but none of them are beneficial if we don't act quick enough to retrieve their answers.
In two weeks time, hari raya eid ul fitr shall arrive, insya Allah. For the very first time in my life, I won't be breaking my last fast in this year together with my family... a very sad thing indeed. Our request to bring the surgery exam forward is still on pending state. Well anyway, I don't expect to get to celebrate every eid ul fitr with my family, but that's a sacrifice I need to make for the future. Insya Allah it'll be worthy.
I guess I forgot that lecturers are human too. It surprised me when I found out Ayah has a Facebook account, but it amazed me more when I found out even my lecturers have one. Profile networking websites do make good tools for keeping in touch with family and pals, but it serves as a very very radical tool which pulls our eyes off the books too. That's why I find it annoying to see anyone complaining about having lack of time when his/her nickname always displays that green circle icon. Who are you trying to kid?
Here's a reminder for myself (and for you out there who bother to read this): Don't massage any lump (unless perhaps a swelling due to let's say a sprained ankle, but even in this case only compression against the swelling is required). I was in the operation theater a few days ago to watch Mr Imi perform hemithyroidectomy (partial removal of thyroid including its isthmus). The procedure was complicated by adhesion of the thyroid to surrounding structures. Fine fibers which looked like hair surrounded the patient's thyroid and these fibers need to be peeled layer by layer. The reason being vital or important structures may be concealed in them and they might be accidentally cut off during the procedure if those strand were not removed. In the case of this patient, he had massaged his lump too much. That's why it happened. So be careful in the future, aight.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I have stopped taking benzodiazepines, therefore my short term memory loss should have dissipated. Today, yet again, my own carelessness and ignorance failed me so badly. This morning, I couldn't stop my tears from dribbling down these plump cheeks while pacing along the corridor and into my car. I have exposed my weaker side to Dr. Tarmizi, our surgeon from Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II (HRPZ II), and disappointed him. I am so sorry, my most sincere apologies :( I couldn't make my voice sound steady as Dr Noor Azam Nasuha, the urologist who's coordinating our surgery posting, answered my desperate plea for help. Thank you, Mr. Azam (surgeons in HRPZ II prefer us addressing them as 'Mr.' for unknown reason). I couldn't thank you more. When you and Pang said, "Don't worry, don't worry", those were the most comforting words I could ask for. Nonetheless, I couldn't stop myself thinking of how much I had put my colleagues to disgrace. But I have learnt my lesson - although I might find a few others to be amazingly more ignorant than I am, I too can learn to be less ignorant and start taking my job and carrier more, more, more seriously. My colleagues have learnt their lesson too and I now learned to be firmer towards them. There is always room for improvement.
This evening's seminar session with Dr. Ng Sze How was a very much needed boost for my mood. I don't give a damn how I-couldn't-care-less-but-I-should've-cared-more-because-it's-my-job he made we think of ourselves. It was a good slap anyway, and his humour made it all easier to digest. "Name all solid organs in the abdominal cavity that may be damaged during trauma", he asked all of us. A few answered well, "Spleen", "Liver", "Kidney" and out of the blue, he shot at the three guys at the back - Teh, Yueming, and Yeap. "Eh, apasal kat belakang takde suara? You puasa juga ke? Yang kat depan puasa ni pun cakap lagi kuat". Suddenly, "Hah?", someone called from the back, "Stomach!", the 'someone' continued. Everybody went silent. Mr. Ng swings the huge microphone with some sort of yellow spongy head threateningly and said, "WHAT???? I think this is enough to cause concussion", he looked at the boy then at the mic.
I love surgery posting :) And I'm very sure which specialty I'd like to proceed with if I successfully get my DDS., insya Allah. We can plan and try our best, but the rest is always in Allah's 'hands'.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
6 small jars of extracted teeth kept 3 months in the store, finally cleaned and gathered, resting peacefully on a shelf.
I am seriously nauseated right now. There were freaky slime oozing out of two of the jars. All of them released such smell that if I didn't know better, I might think my brain had rotted. My eyes felt as if they were burning in reaction to the fume and all my hair was on its end. Even the neighbours who came into the toilet at such unfortunate timing ran out, displaying a very disgusted facial expression. Pang and I even wore double-layered latex gloves. Used a very generous amount of bleach and detergent, hoping all the microorganism would die for the good of everyone :P
Oh yeah, I forgot to write about yet another addition to my little life - a pair of spectacles. Despite that picture of me with a gleam, I don't find specs to be convenient, especially since they keep sliding of my nose bridge, makes me dizzy when I don't need them (during bright daylight), need to be taken care of, and etc. However, I don't really fancy another incident of nearly banging a car as happened a few weeks before. Another accident is the last thing I need right now, and so I think.
This noon, I did a little bit of car cleaning and boy did I find so many rubbish at the back, so many dust and sand too, so many that they angered me so much. Well it's okay if it's once or twice but do you think I'm a cleaner or your personal maid who picks up your junks for free? Even if you pay me a million bucks, it won't change a thing! So the next time I find out that the same thing happens, you're going to pay for your action. So don't get mad if I sputter rude words. This is the common problem when you give so many people rides, you don't really know who did it, but you're stuck with a jumble of junks! Blood-sucking leeches and parasites. I'm going to make you pay for it. I'm not kidding. Or if it happens when I'm not in a very good mood, I might chase you out of my car. I even brush the sands off my shoes when I ride on others' car, why can't you at least throw away your junk instead of leaving it in my car as if it's a gigantic dustbin. No respect, no respect at all. Don't use people to your own convenience, we can see right through you, but we chose to keep ourselves silent. Here's the line. Ok dah lari tajuk.
As Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus said it, "Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears". As my old way of thinking (which I had only modified little) too much about things that saddened me, way too much that even a small issue could somehow swell exponentially, threw me into the deep cold hole of depression, I hate to see anyone experiencing it too although according to studies, every one in six people shall be affected by this disorder (mind you, 50% goes undiagnosed).
This trend of writing poems so filled with negative energies and unnecessary melancholy is really bugging me. I don't think we need yet another aggravating factor to raise the statistics mental disorders and comorbidities. Did I jump to the end to quickly? Aight, I'll provide their pathophysiologies. The sequence of events starts from i.:
i. Poet feels mad.
ii. Poet writes poems to so-called 'channel out' his negative emotions.
iii. Poet feels somewhat relieved, but as he writes, his emotions once again spiked as he reads his own unfinished poem, once again drawing relations between his poem and the source of his problems.
iv. Reader reads.
v. Reader feels mad or sad too, perhaps he's trying to put himself in the poet's shoes. In other word, empathy.
vi. Reader draws relations between the poem to his own problems or whatever.
v. Reader feels more mad or sad.
vi. Reader wants someone to share his sadness or anger, not to mention gaining some cheap publicity and attention from it.
vii. Reader writes his own poem, not to mention, obviously omitting the artistic values the original poet implemented in the first poem. Perhaps he feels flattered reading his self-claimed masterpiece.
viii. Zahirah reads.
ix. Zahirah has this thought in her mind, "What a fucked up world this person is making himself to think he is stuck in and he has no idea how ridiculous he sounds".
x. This cycle goes on and on and finally the reader loses control of his own emotions, especially when there are so many Facebook users who apparently has undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder of clicking on the 'Like' button in Fb (Zahirah et. al) unconsciously encouraging this habit.
xi. The reader is now at a higher risk of developing so many disorders.
But then a few people shall argue with this idea by saying, "It's freedom of speech era now". Believe that bullcrap if you'd like to, it's your life anyway, but let's be serious now. Everything needs to be in moderation. You can think of the problems that you're having, but unless it can bring you to a solution, then don't think about them for too long. It rots your mind. You can find so many things to be out of your own definition of normal and complain about them, but if you can't solve them or maybe try to change the way things are, then keep those words and thoughts to yourself. If you'd like to be outspoken, think of its consequences, in both short and long runs. If that brings you good more than its opposite, then go on. Or else, shut that hole on the inferior region of your face.
Rasulullah berkata yang bermaksud, "Sesiapa yang banyak bercakap banyaklah kesalahannya, sesiapa yang banyak kesalahannya banyaklah dosanya, api nerakalah yang layak untuk dirinya." (Hadis riwayat Baihaqi).
That explains. This serves as a reminder to me too, since I am quite talkative and lately, I have badmouthed quite much... Astaghfirullah. How badmouthing had killed so many relationships. But oh well, let us all try to work our way in becoming a better person. We'll try, we'll try, insya Allah.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It seems like only a few of us are trying to make the best out of what seems to be a history already.
I have my own disappointing moments, but I always try my best to let you feel at ease. I don't tell them out not because I don't trust you, rather it's because I keep getting, "I went through worse. You have went through so little in comparison" in return. If one day, I too, leave your side... trust me, I have tried my best but because you rarely put yourself in my shoes, I doubt you will understand this when the time comes. My loyalty and patience have their limit. And you're well close to crossing that line. Tetapi, seperti selalu... mesti kamu melatah jika kamu terasa lepas ni. Saya tak berniat jahat. Ini hanya rasa kecewa saya.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
"One may think we're alright,
But we need pills to sleep at night,
We need lies to make it through the day.."
- Pills by The Perishers
Thanks to Ayien, this song is currently trapped in my head.
This reminds me of someone's words. "Kau calm macam ni sebab kau ambil ubat", she said. I still can't believe till today that one could have the gut to say such words. The day you sputtered those words was the day I totally detached myself from you, but I'll be realistic. To simply ditch a person is an immature act. Nonetheless, I'm hiding nothing from you. May this be your lesson.
After awhile, I guess I just got tired of being kicked around. One by one, they left you. Didn't that give you any hint? It's Ramadhan, and next month, insya Allah, Syawal, the month of forgiveness shall come knocking at our door. I'd be glad to see whether you will stop badmouthing others. Don't you realise the amount of secret you have entrusted in my hands unconsciously? I might have experienced amnesia, but my past memories are slowly returning. If only I can tell them out, oh how many problems may have been solved. Remember, "One man's meat is another man's poison". You may say others have adapted to your ways of behaving, but you can't really know the thoughts they really have in mind. You can only...... guess.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Black and white pi submitted by Yaseer and coloured by myself.
Am meddling more with Photoshop.
"Cakaplah dia kakak kita", he nagged at me when I told him I was late because the security guard held me back since it was not visiting hour. The line I made using a colouring pencil became crooked as my hand trembled. My vision became blurry as something was refracting the light that tried to reach my eyes. That was when I found out he wouldn't draw anything whenever I'm not around. The past few days of me neglecting his messages (because I was busy with a few stuff) resulted in him losing a few hundred grams off his already very light and fragile body because his mood started to go down the drain (of course, the appetite and others followed suit). "You're getting too attached to that kid", a friend said. When I popped the question, I had already prepared myself to get attached to this kid. Trust me, I had seen quite a number of similar things before, but none captivated me as he did. But... when one says one is prepared for anything, he/she can never predict what may come, only The All-Knowing knows everything. He/she can only hope for the best. Kerana itu, adanya suruhan agar kita tawakkal (berserah) kepada Allah selepas sudah berusaha bersungguh-sungguh dan bukan terlampau yakin segalanya akan mengikut perancangan dan usaha kita. Kalau tidak, mudahlah putus asa dan kecewa. Aku akan cuba, insya Allah. Ini tanggungjawab yang aku pikul sekarang dan setiap tanggungjawab itu ada suka dan dukanya tersendiri. Semoga kita semua hayati semuanya dengan kesyukuran, insya Allah.
Ayah pernah kata, "... Hidup kita, harta yang dalam tangan kita ni, semuanya bukan hak kita sorang. Ada orang ni punya. Ada orang tu punya. Kalau harta tu, ada daripadanya orang yang lebih tak berkemampuan punya. Jadi kita bagi dalam bentuk sedekah. Kalau masa, kena spend time dengan orang lain...".
Monday, August 2, 2010
Faith shouldn't be put in one's hand so easily... should it?
Disappointment by disappointment, when shall I give up on this? At times, I find this part of me which hardly gives up on anything exhausting. Have you heard of "Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go", by Herman Hesse? No, I don't hold to this principle much which comes at a cost - putting the emotions at stake, hence I frequently feel sad although some of the things I work on end well. Nonetheless I usually transform it into a motivation and strive for more. That's why this face usually displays enthusiastic expressions but later at night all the emotions earlier just swarm me - that's why I worry staying up till late at night. To be able to sleep early is just - oh so relaxing. While others take pride on staying up late, I don't.
I just can't digest those words of yours. See that locus of radio-opacity in the shape of inverted triangle near the vertex of my skull? That's your ego knocking into my head, so bluntly. But it's okay, hopefully it'll heal with time, like it usually does. I always try my best for you, just as I do for others, and yet, you only notice my faults and none of my contributions.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I woke up so late last Friday that I almost missed seeing Daus in HKB along with Pang and Jijah (thanks, both of you, for accompanying me :') ). So the three of us were out of idea on the gift we should bring him this time, something that can actually stimulate his mind. Then, I recalled Wani telling me that she bought me a Mont Marte sketch set and I thought, "Hey, why not? But, I'm not posh enough to buy him such expensive things, not to mention they aren't available here in Kelantan -_-" ". So we bought him a few stuff instead and surprised him at the ward. He usually sleeps during noon (but that depends on his health status), but on that day, I saw him sitting and peering around from far away. "Ok, Daus akan tunggu", he did send me that message and yes, he kept his words. Even an ill little kid knows the importance of keeping a promise, it amazes me how so many perfectly fine adults fail to do so time and time again.
When you put two cartoon freaks together, you get these (he drew the Togemon while I drew the Terriermon and that awek):
And he said to me, "Daus tak pandai lukis, akak ajarlah" (or something like this) before. Kau tipu aku ye, Daus. But before we coloured them up, I captured a pencil sketch of his Togemon. So I said to him that this shall be edited, digitalized, and coloured using computer. So here's the result:
My very first attempt at colouring + toning using Adobe Photoshop
I'm not gonna lie. I'm satisfied with the result :) I'm still a noob at this, but hey, practice makes perfect. To learn that he's eating more by day - that's priceless. Can't do much about the amount of food everytime he takes his meal, but he's eating more frequently than before. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah :)
Ah haa, talking of which, Wani, I've already received your gift from Syafiq~~ Gyaaaa, hontouni cool ni, you never failed to surprise me! I so so so want to try using it, but, but, but... sayang gyaaaa~ Imma find more tutorials on sketches so I won't waste it, insya Allah. And did I tell this - she's getting married to Syafiq this 25th September? Yes, she is, insya Allah!! Another happy news. Oh how merciful and graceful The Ultimate Creator is to all of us. Thank you, Wani :'D
Now talking of my biological younger brother, Ahmad. Dia sungguh sibuk sekarang. I wonder if I'll get the opportunity to teach him anatomy before this hols ends. Itulah adik kandung yang seorang, perangai dan perwatakannya sangat berlainan daripada kami bertiga (saya, Along, dan Wani). May he bloom beautifully, amiiin...
I want to write more but the eyes aren't permitting me to do so. Besides, Mel's brother, Rossi's wedding reception will be held in approximately 8 hours. I'm gonna get shot dead by Mel and Anith if I turn up late AGAIN. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!