Thursday, September 30, 2010

cardiogenic shock

Just because you're being courted by a person, doesn't mean you should give your all to that person. Your virginity, regardless whether you're a man or a lady, is so sacred, take care of it well. Just because you're being granted the freedom to lead your life in your own way, doesn't mean you should be so eager and try every single thing and cross every line the syari'ah has drawn for us. Just because you're covered here and there, doesn't mean you can conceal every single secret you keep. Remember, our Creator is watching our every move, intention, and word all the time. Humans are merely a facade.

And to you, friend... you have disappointed me so badly, you can't imagine how angry I am right now. May Allah lead you back to the right path. Amin.

untuk minggu in saya mahu

Untuk minggu ini saya mahu:
1. Siapkan weekly dental quiz.
2. To post blog entry about previous postings, Wani's wedding reception.
3. To follow-up my patient who's clinical features of hepatitis but the cause is yet to be known.
4. Start doing my first case write-up for general medicine posting.
5. Belajar lagu Bila Cinta by Gio.
6. Lancarkan dan jam lagu untuk persembahan semasa perasmian Karnival Kampus 2010.
7. Qadha' semua tidur yang tertangguh, akibat tidur 3-4 jam sehari untuk beberapa bulan sudah.
8. Lawat Daus.
9. Pergi berurut. Satu badan sakit sudahhhh.
10. To contact Ahmad whose messages I haven't replied for almost a week already. Kakak apa aku ni.
11. Kemas bilik. Cadar dah seminggu tak tukar T_T
12. Polish Mikael kesayanganku.
13. Mungkin lawat keluarga angkat di Besut. Dah nak 2 bulan tak jenguk mereka :(
14. Basuh dan kemas kereta.
15. Complete a task which was assigned by Mr Azam, pakar bedah yang handsome.
16. Belajar lagu Cannon in D versi batu.
17. Study more on topic of seminars for next week. Kesian Dato' asyik kena cakap, "You confuse yourself".
18. Request patient's folder for next week.
19. Start reducing that ahem thing to prepare myself for my minor oral surgery during next week.
20. Kilatkan kasut kuliyah.
21. Basuh white coat.
22. The list goes on and on. Entah boleh habis entah tak dalam seminggu.

Something I'd just like to record - Wiki was presenting short case with Dato' Dr Rosemy. Perhaps they messed up something somewhere somehow sometime, and Dato' got pissed off and said, "There's a window over there". Do you get this?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

so what if i

Back in Kelantan, I am, Master Yoda.

Today...... I am so tired I feel like crying, literally.

My flight was supposed to depart at 7am, but it was brought forward to 6.45am, but it's okay, Along and I arrived just in time. 6.40am, I was about to let go all of my byproducts until my bag decided to give its way to gravity and "Plop!", my handphone slid into the toilet bowl. Thank Allah, I grabbed it fast. This might sound disgusting, but my flight was the first one of the day and no one used the toilet yet, Alhamdulillah again. I made a promise to Dato' Dr Rosemy - our coordinator for general medicine posting - that I'll arrive at 8.30am, but I had to break it and thank Allah again, he was very understanding this time. He said, "I faham, you tak payah datang awal atau seminar, tapi make sure doctor in charge of ward you tahu, okay", and since Ese's the one he was talking about, it wasn't exactly difficult to clear things out with him. Called the shop and they said there's not much damage done on my handphone. Alhamdulillah again.

Dear auto watch got broken a few weeks ago and since it's warranted with an international warranty, we had to send it to Tissot HQ to for repair. I find it ridiculous since pricey stuff should come with good and accessible service, but oh well. Things aren't that way.

I want to upload so many pics from Wani & Syafiq's wedding reception, but...... dear handphone is away for awhile - for good. Will have to wait for 3 days. I want to tell so many things about the wedding, and congratulations, Wani and Syafiq. The wedding went well :) Tunggu handphone kejap.

I haven't gotten enough sleep for countless of days already and I'm not that type of person who takes naps during noon or evening, so I couldn't recover those missed hours of sleep. I was so disoriented that I didn't notice a tooth with composite restoration filling during previous general dental practice session. Today, again, I became disoriented and asked my patient stupid questions. I didn't even get to completely clerk all seven patients as I usually do. And yay, I have a presentation to make tomorrow, but thank God it's a fairly narrowed topic, so I should not face much difficulty at preparing it. Today I didn't get to have a decent meal until this evening. Perut penuh dengan Ricola Spearmint saja. Waduh, borborhygmi saja. Harap-harap diberi Allah kekuatan untuk menyiapkan semua kerja dengan cemerlang. Once you start something, finish it and give your best at it. I hate people who do things halfway or half-heartedly.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I feel guilty for writing such a vulgar entry. My apologies if ever anyone feel offended. Today, I didn't perform very well in dental clinic. Although the marks given by Dr Shani was more than what I would give myself, I really think I'm left behind in the field of dentistry. Should buck up soon.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm certainly not in my best mood today. So, let me act immature for awhile.


api 2

Beranilah kau cabar aku, kalau salah aku, aku sanggup terima dengan hati terbuka dan betulkan apa yang patut. Tapi kalau dah terang, jelas, nyata, kami yang betul, aku akan lawan untuk apa yang patut. Kalau perlu, aku libas kau juga. Jangan sebab yang seorang bercakap lembut, kau nak pijak kepala dia sepuas hati. Maaf, dia juga ada kawan iaitu aku. Kau kena lepas aku dulu, kalau tak, jangan nak mimpi kau boleh buat sesuka hati.

Tak ada bahasa. Tak ada bahasa langsung.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


There's this girl who used to be very wild during highschool. Navel, cleavage, and everything were not a big deal for her. So recently, I crossed over her Facebook page and found out that she's already wearing tudung and she had deleted all her pictures showing her without hijab. She even dresses up so nicely and decently now. I'm not sure why, I only talked to her once before, but I dropped a few tears all of a sudden. Alhamdulillah.

Monday, September 20, 2010


I feel like screaming until my vocal chord give itself away, HWARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Kaki aku macam sotong dah rasa ni, all floppy and resting safely on MR FRONTMAN BAHAHAH! Ungrateful slob of a daughter.

So here I am, currently attached to general medicine department. My group which consists of four members altogether is responsible to attend to two wards - ward 8 and ward 9 in HRPZ II. There are about 30 beds altogether and each of us gets about 7-8 beds to take care of. Yesterday was our first day in medicinal posting and my very first patient passed away at noon. I somehow felt sad although I haven't gotten to know that patient very well because we were busy with orientation. It didn't feel like a good start, but Allah knows best.

As I entered ward 8, someone called out, "EH! Z! Ei! Kau buat ape kat sini?!", and I freaked out and splurted, "WAKLU!". It turned out that my senior, Ese (who's apparently known as Dr Nazrul there lol), is the houseman in charge of that ward. "Habislah aku, semua perangai burukku tak dapat dibendung sebab depa dah tahu dah perangai betul aku. This is a really really bad way to start my day", I said to myself. It turned out that he helped us a lot and oh how different the way docs in general medicine deal with patients, especially when it comes to doing physical examination, so even a little guide is invaluable to us. See, there's somehow prejudice towards USM dental students in HRPZ II and even HUSM itself. The most common snide remarks we usually receive are, "Apa kaitan benda ni dengan awak? Awak kena tahu gigi je kan. Nanti kerja pun pandang mulut patient je", "Saya tak fahamlah, benda ni bukannya awak pakai. Tak payah tahulah", and a quite a number more. But what YOU have to understand too are how our curriculum goes (80% of our total year 1 professional examination marks come from medicine and 70% during professional 2. I'm not sure about final professional though haha), we're going to graduate with a doctor of dental SURGERY certificate, and examiners expect our medical knowledge to be almost equivalent to an actual medical student. So just suck on it, because your snide remarks won't change a thing. But oh well, hardship is meant to teach us lessons and we think we're okay with it now :) Therefore, we extremely appreciate any help we can get. Alhamdulillah, specialists usually understand us well (also thanks to Dean for explaining our situation to them in the first place) and despite those remarks, the docs usually teach us a lot anyway. Thank you :) One day, insya Allah, if the quality of health industry in Malaysia improves, we may advance with a more dynamic approach to any part of it and at that time, this medical knowledge we have shall be put to use more for good, amin. So in the meantime, dear dental students of USM, just bear, do your best, and have faith in this system.

Today, I accompanied my patient during her peritoneal dialysis. It was my first time witnessing such procedure although we have learned a lot about it (but there is much more to learn). My patient grasped my hand and groaned in pain throughout the procedure, especially during the intraperitoneal infusion of dialysate. It was heartbreaking but there are more good to it than its opposite. And when she released my hand and looked at me with a thankful look in her eyes (although I didn't do much to help her, only moral support), a principle that had been dying slowly after eid mubarak hols was strengthened. Allah teaches us in amazing ways. As usual I fall in love with every single posting, but I don't think I want to dub myself 'Jack of All Trade Master of None' anymore. Let's improve ourselves in as many aspects as we can. Insya Allah.

Was it just a dream?

It had been quite awhile since I feel sort of at lost as this.

I wish... what I had seen was true, but dreams may come true or they may stay as what they are meant to be - just a dream. Looking down at my feet, this spot I'm standing on... it has always been the same spot for so long already. How long shall I stay here, immovable, so stubbornly, but, just as any human, I have my insecure thoughts too. What if this, what if that, what ifs. There are a few areas I just don't dare to mess up such as religion and etc. (keeping them to myself, let's not rape our own privacy).

I am not at ease. Boy am I good at acting differently. Whatever it is, I'm not cancelling out my to-do-list much by doing this. Let's end it for good.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

stomach ache

Hwarghhh, URTI (upper respiratory tract infection), you visit me every single month without failing, aren't you bored of doing so? Go away, go away. I have lots of things to do today, geddit?

This is weird. It isn't easy for me to wake up from sleep and it's way harder for one to attempt at inducing me on it, but somehow, I woke up after barely 2 hours of sleep and the bed felt as if it was vibrating O_O! Well, not exactly vibrating. It was more of like shaking up and down... okay, I give up on explaining this. My whole body appeared flushed. Pulse rate is around 110/minute. My temperature spiked for awhile but it's reducing again now. I wonder if I should seek medical attention. Hwargh, nanti dapat antibiotics lagi. Maleh ambo. Sekali mula makan kena kasi habis. Oh well, let's just wait and see. If it worsens then I'll go to a clinic in Pengkalan Chepa.

16th September 2010 marks the day Wiki, Mus, Kucheng, and I having our annual raya celebration together. Visited five houses altogether - Kucheng, Wiki, Anith, Fahmi @ Jamboo, and finally Mus's house. However, I had more fun this year, thanks to Wiki who was willing to drive us around instead of the usual me yippeeeee~ but that's just because I told him I'm too sick to drive (padahal pagi tu tiba-tiba jadi sihat hoho). Makan sampai perut nak pecah. I lost 3kgs during fasting month and gained one back during this one week of eid. Hwarghhhh. Hilang susah, dapat senang. Oh well, at least I still have food to gobble on, I should be grateful. Talking about Wiki, I can't hold myself from talking about this again and again. Can't believe he parked beside a petrol pump every single time he drove to a petrol station (thrice on that day). He didn't intend to fill up his tank, mind you. I wonder why didn't anyone chase him away. Had a great great time that day. Oh yeah, another different event - this time, we came to Mus's house INVITED. tee hee hee, but let's keep the rest of the facts to ourselves.

I want to sleep I want to sleep I want to sleep.

farewell, brother

These couple of days have been a busy time for our family. Wani just came back from Aus and now Ahmad's in KLIA, about to fly to Egypt. Me, myself, I just flew back to Kelantan. That means I'm not sending Ahmad off and this is very heartbreaking for me. After all these years, I had always been there during moments I consider important to me - Along's engagement and wedding reception, Wani's engagement, Ayah's minor operation, and quite a number of other occasions, but this time, my one and only biological younger brother is flying to somewhere so far away to further his studies in medicine without me bidding him farewell (face to face). As I checked in at Subang airport, I headed to a toilet and cried there. I almost missed my flight since it was brought about 15 minutes forward. Nonetheless, as I reminded myself again and again, Allah knows every bit of sadness in our heart. Everything happens for at least a reason. See you next raya then, Ahmad. Take care, I love you so much, more than you can ever imagine. I wish you nothing but the best throughout your journey in this life as well as afterlife.

I was about to sleep when Ahmad called me a few minutes ago. And hey, here I am, back to sitting behind my desk, writing an entry just to calm myself down. All these while, I had been quite content in Kelantan knowing that I have a close relative (as a matter of fact, I'm closest to him) nearby until the day he came back home and entered Intec and I told myself, "Zahirah, it's time for you to be more independent, especially when it comes to emotions". Regardless how sad I am, I have to do my part too. I have to study well and get my DDS. As usual, this too shall pass and to stride forward is the only option now.

Ahmad bin Abdul Rahim, selamat jalan dan challenge those smart alecs! :D

Monday, September 13, 2010

does raya bring out the worst in you?

This year's Eid Ul-Fitr celebration was exhausting but it was worth the effort and visiting both of my kampongs (one in Muar/JB and another one in Endau-Rompin, Johor) blew all my tiredness away. Ironically, instead of consulting my relatives about dentistry-related stuff, I somehow became a part-time psychologist. But let's put that aside first, since I'm not really in the mood to write joyous stuff right now.

Let's start with the final week of my posting in surgery department of HRPZ II. Of the 3 adult surgical wards, two of them are meant for men (ward 30 and 29) and another one is for ladies (ward 28). Not surprisingly, almost half of the patients in ward 30 were admitted due to motor-vehicle accidents (MVA). Most probably due to current festive season. I drove Ayah, Umi, and Ahmad home from Muar. A reason to have both Smart Tag AND Touch 'n' Go lanes in a same toll plaza is to reduce congestion - even a pre-school kid understands this very very simple and primitive concept. Then there's this stuck up smart alec, driving a Merc C350 glided through a long queue behind a Touch n Go lane and tried to cut the line. It's sort of understandable if there was only one TnG lane, but there were FOUR altogether and he skipped about 10 cars. Obviously those drivers wouldn't let him in since they had queued for so long already. So he decided to act all smart by entering the Smart Tag lane without giving any signal and boy he was fast and I was quite fast too since the lane was supposedly vacant all the way. Didn't bother to put up a 'thanking hand signal'. Winded down and so many Plus staffs gathered around that car and asked us to stay put. Sempat berborak lagi ni. I don't give a freaking damn if you're a CEO or CUCKOO, if it's a rule, then it is.

Then there's a guy driving Proton Exora kept shifting between lanes although the distance between the car and the adjacent vehicles was less than 0.5 meter. No apologies or whatsoever, only a burning cigarette in his left hand, a poker face, and a few glares. I think I should have bricks in my car the next time so that I can throw them at anytime I like.

Then there are a handful of people using the emergency lane, even two ambulances that passed by didn't have the chance to use it. Selfish bastards. Lu baru minta maaf pada semua orang masa raya ni, lagi lu buat hal. Tak makan saman ah lu. Simpan maaf lu dalam poket ja la. Gua tak heran. Lepas ni lu tak payah berlagak hairan atau kesian lah kalau baca berita pasal kemalangan.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

dalam hening Subuh

This Maghrib shall mark the start of the month of Syawal, insya Allah. After Isya', Yiying, Poisze, and I shall embark on our journey back home. Upon reaching Subang, Along, Kak Su (his wife), and I shall head to Rembau and sleep there for a night. The next destination in our itinerary shall be Kampong Semaloi, Endau, Johore, where my kampong is :) All with Allah's will.

This raya marks a few important events in my life - My very first time of going to kampong in the morning of eid mubarak. Umi, Ayah, and Ahmad are already on their way to Kampong Semaloi this Subuh. It's my first year of communicatin with my parents less, not because I'm happy things are this way, but because I've gotten way busier than the first 3 years in degree in doctor of dental surgery. Besides, Ayah doesn't really allow me to bug him all the time, but he's always there when I need him. I tell Umi almost everything that I got clueless the next time I call her, so the comparatively longer duration of not calling both of them provides me with more topics to talk about. This raya shall be my very first time of visiting Tok Abah's grave. May his soul rest in peace and all his sins to be forgiven by Allah. And finally, Wani will not be there with us since she's in Australia, pursuing her dreams. May Allah bless you. Take care, sis.

I have learnt numerous lessons during this Ramadhan. It has been quite disturbing on how much I have badmouthed a number of people I used to despise (in comparison to the previous years), I have decided that... if I can't modify the cause of this very disgustful habit (apart from myself), I shall avoid them. If I can't hold my stand strong and get too influenced with my surroundings, I shall avoid the predisposing factors. If I feel sad just because a few friends wouldn't except my stance, I always have other friends to rely on. I have to make my choice. In the meantime, appreciate everything that I currently have and let go some of the things/people for the better of life and afterlife. However, bear in mind, never cut off any silaturrahim. In this context, avoiding does not directly mean cutting any tie off anyone. Just be more subtle.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

the vicious cycle

At no surprise, I'm still completing my case write-up. Here's what usually happen when I'm doing so - break the fast, menjalankan kewajipan, Facebook, start completing case write-up, each segment means one break lasting usually 15-30minutes (depends on my sleepiness), sit by the window, doing one of my favourite activities, intip orang di wing sebelah, then resume completing my case write-up, and the cycle goes on and on. Macam manalah tak makan 2-3 hari untuk setiap case write-up?

Turned my head to my right. Oh... how messy my bed is. So many books on it, very untidy bedsheet, and so many clothes to be folded neatly. It rained again tonight, Alhamdulillah :) My upper eyelashes are starting to rain against my lower eyelashes. 'Ptosis' kembali gagaga. It turned out that my plane shall depart at around 10.30pm, this Thursday. Habislah aku kena hamburan Umi because I initially told here it'll be around 9pm, but see... she knows even my deepest secrets, so I shouldn't hesitate on telling her about this... should I? Let's have those earplugs ready at my side. Better be safe than sorry.

Quoting my lecturer/surgeon, Mr. Zaidi Zakaria, "In business or even in anything, you can choose not to tell everything, but never lie. Kita tak boleh cakap semua benda sebab some things are better left unsaid" (lebih kurang begitulah ayatnya). Uh, terasa pedasnya ni, sebab kadang-kadang saya agak lurus bendul walaupun perangai saya begini. Too much honesty certainly isn't the best policy.

I'm so sleepy arghhhh help me but I really want to submit this case write-up today. Just to get the burden off my shoulder. Nanti payah nak assess function of accessory nerve atau check supraclavicular lymph nodes, kan dah satu hal.

My group members and I shall be having a long case examination for surgery. Hwarghhhh, I'm a wee bit nervous, but this anxiety usually peaks about a couple of hours before the actual exam. I wonder why I get extremely sleepy and lazy during exams. I wonder why caffeine has almost no effect on me (regarding sleeping habit of course). I can sleep 5 minutes after drinking two glasses of dark coffee. Notheng! Notteng!! (hello, Russell Peters)

Anyway, I didn't fast yesterday. Had diarrhoea after eating mi Ruski and drinking a glass of hazelnut white coffee. If you want to kill me slowly, you may infuse me with lactose-containing solution (but you'll have to bear my whines for a week lah). By noon, the colour was starting to drain off my skin and I started to experience palpitations. Rasa nak pitam sudah. But see, I had an episode of severe food poisoning before, during which my blood pressure dropped to 80/55mmHg and my heart was beating at the frequency of 140+/minute.

Rabu ni, selepas exam, saya mahu tidur dengan puas selepas entah berapa minggu tidur 3-4jam. Otak pun nak reput macam ni.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I don't get it. Buatpa la kamu nak riak dengan kekayaan harta. Padahal tanpa mak ayah, duit dalam bank entah berapa sen (ya duit saya dalam bank entah berapa hinggit saja). Get back to earth.

hontouni hareita yo

I am so hungry perhaps because it's quite cold right now. It's raining, Alhamdulillah :) I love it when monsoon season is here, but no, now is not the time yet. Today, I met with Daus's whole family for the first time. I have a foster father who's very good at cooking (broke today's fast together with them today, had white rice with udang goreng, kerabu terung for the first time in my life, keladi masak air, ketam kecil goreng, and ayam masak kicap, gyaaa sedap, tapi segan makan banyak tee hee). I have a very dedicated foster mother. I have a foster sister who's the same age as mine (but looks way younger of course mwuu) and two younger foster brothers who share the same craze for comics with me :) Oh how long has it been since I last tasted home-cooking :'( Now, finally, I am longing for Subang :'( I'm flying back on raya eve and will be going to Kampong Semaloi on the morning of raya. Alhamdulillah Along sanggup tunggu aku kerana Umi dan Ayah bertolak ke sana dahulu. *lagu raya mula berputar dalam otak, tapi air mata tak meleleh pun*

With all the shops playing raya songs over and over again (which they had started doing since the past fortnight!!) and today's conversation about Kampung Semaloi (my village :D) and Mersing with Abah (how I address Daus's father) made me miss kampong a lot. Mesti banyak kena periksa gigi balik ni.

Come to think of it, although I get to celebrate this raya with my biological brother, Ahmad, I won't get to send him off :'((( Very... sad. "Ahmad, aku tak dapat hantar kau bila kau nak blah pergi Mesir. Mwuuu, sedihhhhh. Kau dah nak balik Subang dah pula ni", I whined at him at the airport when he was about to fly back to Subang from Kota Bharu recently. He simply replied, "Eleh, nanti raya jumpa juge". Tak sensitif betul budak ni. Harap-harap Ahmad belanja tengok wayang balik nanti BEHEHEHE! Itulah motifnya aku tolak tawaran belanja Hot & Rollnya masa di lapangan terbang hari tu. Wani dan Syafiq pun dah nak nikah 25 September ini. Masa majlis perkahwinan Along awal tahun ni saja aku dah puas kena tembak dengan soalan sama, "Adiknya pula bila?". Waduh, bu' sama bapaknya, gwe kan wes ngomongei sama kalian. Gwe lain sedikit. Oh well, who knows what shall happen in the future. Only Allah knows every single thing. Hm.

Come to think of it too, this is my last week of posting in surgery department of HRPZ II (well who knows if I'll return here once in awhile as an oral maxillofacial surgeon bahahah, masuk bakul terbang sendiri). What an emotional week it is. Had four great weeks of surgery posting with so many great lecturers, surgeons, docs, friends, staffs, and patients. Mr Tarmizi, Mr Imi, Mr Azam (yang juga diberi nama timangan 'Zam Zam handsome' oleh coursemate saya yang chun, Shipeng), Mr Zaidi, Mr Ng Szehow, Mr Othman, Ms Suraya, Mr Anas, Mr Nik, Dato' Hasyim, Mr Ahmad, Dr Fazlimy, Mr Raflis, Dr Mazwan, Dr Hisyam, thank you. Thank you for all of the extremely valuable lessons, advices, experience, and guidance. I'm thinking of writing an entry just for memorable moments with them - which usually exhibit my silliness, but hey, a mistake is really a mistake if you don't bother to correct them (Zahirah et al, 2010). But I'd also like to write about my posting in radiology department of HUSM... and also during paediatric posting in HRPZ II. I want to write so much but am too lazy currently.

I should really get back to completing my case write-up which is only ~60% complete currently. There goes my break - no rest for these wrists. Am I asking for carpal tunnel syndrome?

Friday, September 3, 2010


Just got back from my dear friend, Mus's birthday celebration. I wish you all the best in life as well as afterlife, dude. And I honestly think you have changed a lot and you're a way better person now :)

Selamat hari jadi juga kepada adik angkat tunggalku, Muhammad Firdaus. Semoga Daus semakin sihat dan membesar dengan gembira sekali. Amin.

Weekend is here, and eid ul-fitr shall arrive in less than a week, insya Allah :) I wish I can persuade my heart to forgive although it's quite hard to forget a few people and I wish all my wrongdoings shall be forgiven by all. What a selfish wish, but oh well... Maaf zahir dan batin ya, kalian. Minta halalkan makan dan minum saya kalau ada tak tersengaja atau sengaja hahaha :D

Thousands and thousands of thanks to my kind friend, Dr Hisham, for helping me with my wisdom teeth. I only helped tuning your acoustic guitar but you did so much more in return. Sorry for all the trouble I have caused you.

It's only 2.30am and my eyes are already half closed, I'm quite sure you can't tell whether I'm having ptosis or not. My schedule is getting packed than ever. Although it's already weekend, all of us here don't necessarily get to rest. Shall be going to HRPZ II tomorrow to clerk more patients and send the car for servicing which I had put on hold for so long because on Friday, absolutely, absolutely all workshops are closed. Sayangnya nak tidur awal, jarang-jarang dapat tidur lewat tanpa rasa bersalah atau saja-saja sebab mahu berhibur. I was supposed to finish writing case write-up yesterday, but it turned out that my patient was not having uncomplicated urinary stone. Speaking of which... I went through a few investigations this week. Firstly, I had a kidney ureter bladder (KUB) ultrasound done. It turned out that my previous urinary tract infection was not resolved. In fact my bladder wall is now more than twice its normal thickness - cystitis. I did finish all antibiotics that was prescribed previously, but the surgeon said my immunity is not that good. That's why I keep getting infections here and there. And recently I noticed a midline lump I've been having since a year ago had grown larger. But I have consulted so many times, and again, they kept giving me antibiotics. I have finished all of them but the lump is still here. Very annoying instead. Makin terserlah lah double chin aku macam ni hahha. Ah, my brain is sending continuous signals to bring this body to sleep. I gotta sleep now. Wassalam.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

it's in my dictionary already

"Why have you forsaken me?
In your eyes forsaken me,
In your thoughts forsaken me,
In your heart forsaken me"- Chop Suey by System of A Down

Why do you think I fell into MDD? Why do you think I struggled at grasping my own memory? Why do you think I had to take sleeping pills to battle my insomnia? Why do you think I vomited almost every day in exchange with my peace of mind. Why do you think I had to go through all these for months? Why, dear, why?

Yes, the accident was my fault all along, is that what you want to hear from me? I'm so tired. A year had passed already, give up on this issue, I beg you. I'm so tired of recalling the same thing again and again. That little burden you felt, have you ever wondered how much I have to carry on my shoulders instead? You didn't congratulate me for those two events. You said it was just pure luck. After all my hard work, that was what I received from you, but no, I didn't complain. You had abused me in so many ways, but no, I didn't complain. I didn't even raise my own voice when I talk to you, not even when I'm so saturated with anger due to your nonsensical accusations. I lowered my voice and hoped you would understand. Indeed you had failed me at this. I don't tell you when I get sick because as much as I crave attention and sympathy from you, I'd rather not risk having you worried. I'm already clueless on what method should I execute to ask for your forgiveness.

And to you, you, and you. Do you know how much you made me despise going back home? Even after all these years, you have no idea how my mind works. No idea at all. Because you have never tried to understand the whole picture. You'd rather tell your stories and have me understand everything about you and get nothing in return. At this point, I already have this thought, "If I cut all ties off you, what would I lose?". I think the answer is - nothing.