Wednesday, September 1, 2010

it's in my dictionary already

"Why have you forsaken me?
In your eyes forsaken me,
In your thoughts forsaken me,
In your heart forsaken me"- Chop Suey by System of A Down


Why do you think I fell into MDD? Why do you think I struggled at grasping my own memory? Why do you think I had to take sleeping pills to battle my insomnia? Why do you think I vomited almost every day in exchange with my peace of mind. Why do you think I had to go through all these for months? Why, dear, why?


Yes, the accident was my fault all along, is that what you want to hear from me? I'm so tired. A year had passed already, give up on this issue, I beg you. I'm so tired of recalling the same thing again and again. That little burden you felt, have you ever wondered how much I have to carry on my shoulders instead? You didn't congratulate me for those two events. You said it was just pure luck. After all my hard work, that was what I received from you, but no, I didn't complain. You had abused me in so many ways, but no, I didn't complain. I didn't even raise my own voice when I talk to you, not even when I'm so saturated with anger due to your nonsensical accusations. I lowered my voice and hoped you would understand. Indeed you had failed me at this. I don't tell you when I get sick because as much as I crave attention and sympathy from you, I'd rather not risk having you worried. I'm already clueless on what method should I execute to ask for your forgiveness.


And to you, you, and you. Do you know how much you made me despise going back home? Even after all these years, you have no idea how my mind works. No idea at all. Because you have never tried to understand the whole picture. You'd rather tell your stories and have me understand everything about you and get nothing in return. At this point, I already have this thought, "If I cut all ties off you, what would I lose?". I think the answer is - nothing.

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