Wednesday, December 28, 2011


What was I thinking? Who was I trying to kid? My heart aches so much at the sight of it.

If there's such thing as an 'undo' button for any event in this life, I'd undo that event. I'd seal my heart in the first place. Now what's left is for me to pick its pieces up and try to glue them together for the umpteenth time. That is if the glue will work. Oh, heart... stay in my mediastinum. Don't leave this safe zone, protected by the numerous layers and thoracic cage. You can't survive another fall. You know you can't. All these four limbs shall protect you at all cost. Be at peace, oh, dear heart.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

it's the bandSHIT thing :)

A picture taken some time ago during MEDSOC 2011

First thing first, I'm going to say this - I really will miss these guys when I graduate. These are the most hardworking and talented band members I have ever worked with so far. And yet, all of them are so humble. Most importantly the respect we have for each other, always taking into account each other's opinions. Therefore, I didn't find it troublesome to join them for yet a few more performances this year even though I'm in my final year of DDS.

So here's a video of us performing yesterday. Practised for a total of four hours only because all of us had some other commitments, especially academically. That's what you get when you try to form a band made up of medical and dental students. I remember someone saying this to me, "Kau sibuk dengan band belajar karang terkontang-kanting. Tak payah lah", but I also remember getting better result than this douche till this day. You, madam, should think and see who you're talking to before saying things like that. Frankly, I don't mind not being the top one among my peers because in my point of view, as long as I surpass the level of a mediocre, still competent, and is still a safe practising dental student, then it's still fine. I don't want to be the person who boasts of her academical excellence and nothing else. In layman term, takda life. TROLOLOLOL. So anyway, this might be our very last performance together. All of us shall be sitting for our respective exams in March. Me? I gotta cover five years worth of syllabus. I don't want to waste the effort I poured for the past four years either. So it's time for the books now :)

On a totally different note, for you, who did this... you're old enough to be able to see the line between a lecturer and a student. Even if that person was your peer, you should've respected her as well. Nobody's always right. You can try to reason at times, but you, dear, should know when to stop. Gain respect rather than fear because if anyone is too scared of telling something straight to your face, you're nothing but a self-centered dictator. Being outspoken is good, but being insensitive and sensible are two totally different things. So be an outspoken but sensible person rather than an insensitive scumbag who shoves everybody away from herself and later complains about it. And respect your leader because there's no point of appointing one if you can't understand the simple concept of hierarchy.

Monday, December 19, 2011

new neighbours

Geez, when will I finally go to the physiotherapy lab and get this shoulder fixed? "Time isn't a luxury of mine", my new neighbour, Huzaifah aka "Boss" (as Ah Beh and I dub him), said. True that. I've never felt so focused at finishing something before. Never paid this much attention to my clinical requirements. Debates, presentations every couple of months, patients posing challenges to you, taking care of another family, laboratory works, I need to be more serious.

Finally, I get to relax tonight. Thought about a few things which may be beneficial... or not. I recently attended Borneo Night 2011, my first ever experience attending the event. Four years had passed and I thought - why not? It's my final year as an undergraduate here, insya Allah. Surpassed my expectation, it did, well at least it was better than the other event I went to about two weeks ago. An event which I honestly think my auditory hair cells committed suicide after listening to a few banshees-in-disguise shrieking on the stage - didn't anyone do a sound check or were they just plain tone deaf? It's not a free show, so the audience deserved getting entertained at least in a more appropriate manner.

So, anyway, I actually considered working in Sabah or Sarawak. A change of scene again perhaps? I mean, originating from Subang Jaya, studied in Kuala Pilah for a year - a very humble place. A good place to focus on my studies, nonetheless. Then five years in Kelantan? A sudden change, but I am learning so much while I'm in this place. So, why not Sabah or Sarawak next? For a start, apart from my family members and a few friends, I don't really feel attached to Subang Jaya anymore. People change. I change. I'm no longer comfortable with some people, mayhap, I'm too much of an alien now, but you know... one of the wonders of life - you lose some, you gain some, and at times, you gain more in exchange. Albeit having such thought, I shall obey Umi's order - to get a job somewhere near to my home. In the mean time, back to the books, journals, and clinics!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

lipas dan salah call orang

Thanks to Wani who uploaded a picture of an apam with a roach embedded deep inside it - so deep that I - an expert at detecting a cockroach was fooled - and now people are asking me whether I have other ridiculous nicknames apart from Peah and Poyom. Wani, darnnnnnn.

Then, last week I mistaken Ashraf - my ex-schoolmate - for Asyraf Hamzah, my junior here. I confidently asked Ashraf about our 'supposedly weekly night out'. That awkward moment. Really. I mean, I hadn't met that lad for ages and suddenly - O_O

So it's December already. How fast time flies. Today, I decided to give myself a break since my body temperature began to rise this evening and I hadn't had fever since four months ago which I am proud of ^_^ See, I usually get acute pharyngitis every two months because my immunity system isn't that good, just as the rest of my siblings are. So, I shall confine myself to my bed tonight :)

The 9th Student Scientific Conference is finally over, so glad, so relieved, no more research reports to be done (while I'm still an undergraduate :P) ^_^ Hurrah!

Now, this is the truest reason I didn't post any entry this past fortnight:

Can I has food?
Taken from

I'm a meme comic hunter now. So far, I had finished reading a few of such blogs (and still keeping myself updated on them hur hurrr). If I get to finish 9gag, I'll declare myself... er... er... meme addict level 100000000?

Decided to change myself a wee bit. I gotta start to wake up earlier during weekends. So I did today. Let's see how things go tomorrow.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

my happiness

My hand skills used to be very bad that denture-making and paediatric dentistry skill classes would be the thing I dreaded the most when I was in my second and third years of DDS. What more when I was involved in an accident during which I injured my left shoulder when the car back-flipped 4-5 times and my left hand was shaking for almost three weeks. So I forced myself to redo everything until the result is acceptable, at least to my own eyes. Until my hand skills slowly improved - but that didn't come easy. I cried almost everyday most probably because I was so disappointed with myself, not being able to produce good result when others' products seemed so much better.

Alhamdulillah, everything improved tremendously. Allah won't test you beyond your limit. Alhamdulillah again, I was granted a paediatric patient who initially came with such poor oral hygiene and so many tooth cavities, I had to reinforce her oral hygiene twice and finally, she became my very first patient to score such good result for oral hygiene three times in a row. She's even willing to walk all the way from her house to the clinic just to get treated - of which I'd be worried of her safety every single time. Last week, I received an invitation to her birthday party, but I wasn't in Kelantan. So I bought her a birthday present instead. Frankly, whatever she did for herself and me is way more than this little present. If only all paediatric patients have such good attitude, but I guess everyone comes with their own way of being brought up and genetic make-up. To learn to handle a variety of cases is crucial to shape us into becoming good dentists. She made my paediatric dentistry sessions so much enjoyable :) Thank you, dear patient.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Taken from

I can't seem to stop reading Meme comic (the above is an excerpt from it). A stress-relieving thing to do after a tiring day at the clinic and lab. We have just entered our second week of clinical practice - being on our own (without an assistant), things have been quite tough, but I guess it's just a matter of time to get used to everything - the new system, new dental chair, and stuff.

Yesterday, I was beyond exhaustion to only being able to go back at 7pm because there were lots of prosthodontics-related things to settle at the lab. For some reasons, I prefer to do the lab works myself rather than handing them to my dental technician (just to practise some hand skills :P) except for teeth arrangement which consumes too much time. I was at the brink of giving up on walking back and forth between the dental school and my hostel. See, I'm trying to live a healthier life. Had been driving between both points last year, but my weight caught up fast which was a HUGE NO-NO! I forgot that I had neither gotten a proper lunch nor bought myself anything for dinner. Having diagnosed with gastritis a month ago and boy was I so proud that I didn't have that thing when my colleagues were all having it, I had to get something to gobble on. So I bought a few packets of instant noodle at Mydin. My left shoulder was aching (yay I haven't gone to physiotherapy department because I was too damn lazy to move during breaks) and I said to myself, "Gosh, I feel like giving up at trying to fulfill all my clinical requirements". Suddenly, a staff there walked pass me. He was pushing trolleys.

Hey, I saw this man before. Many times already.

He rarely smiles, but I had never seen him taking a break or slacking around. And I learned that I was being very ungrateful. That man had been doing the same job for months already and never once did he give up on it and I'm only entering my second week of dental practice in this final year of DDS. Who was I trying to kid? A boost for my spirit, Alhamdulillah :)

I believe that if you really pay attention to your surroundings, you'll appreciate yourself and everything that you still have more. Finally, you'll want to give your best in everything.

Anyway, I've been bumping into this medical officer at a cafe nearby. He had the sides of his hair shaved - (in a stylish way of course, not in the uhm.. r****t way haha) the very reason he caught my attention. Always appropriately dressed up, but also pale and tired-looking most of the time. Last morning, while I was queuing up for an elderly patient, I heard someone muttering impatiently. It was that lad! He was standing right behind me - TOKI DOKI! Haha, what a foolish thought. Ah well, just another day passing by.

Anyway, I just noticed that I forgot to pass up one of my logbooks. Darn!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

hands down

White flag, I give up, man. I thought that some people are worth hanging on to - well at least, after months of being progressively worn out, I actually hoped I could talk to someone about everything - rejunevation? I'm not sure. It might be more of trying to lighten the burden I heave on my shoulders and to relieve this heaviness in my chest even in a minute amount, but I guess, the people you can depend on are so few you can count using fingers on only one of your hands. I'm a pessimist at times but I consider myself optimistic when the circumstance requires me to, and I'm neither always filled with unnecessary angst nor do I get easily provoked at that, but I guess at this point, I just can't see other way out apart from giving up and putting an end to it. I don't see the point of turning back either. So, yeah, I guess this is goodbye, friend. Had some great time in the past and thanks for it but that's that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

esh pee esh esh

No, that's not the facial expression I display when I'm doing my private business, but that's how my face looked like during last two days as I was trying to finish my research manuscript (is it the same as a thesis? Heck, I honestly have no idea) - the same expression I showed when I tried to steal some time here and there, during operation theaters, treating patients, just name it (okay, I lied. Only on certain occasions which could be spared) just to put a few pieces of the puzzle into place.

That's the very face I showed when I tried to play around with SPSS Statistics v19.0 software (everyone loves to upload tutorials on Adobe Aftereffects, Photoshop, and etc, but heyyyy SPSS needs more of them!! GAHHHHH!! Yeah, I tried to learn it through Youtube - epic fail - not to be attempted when time constraint is something you should take into consideration). They said that being able to manipulate the software is like cracking a Pandora. It's initially hard to understand and yaddah yaddah but all your effort will pay off. Well, uhm... TO HELL WITH IT!!! I didn't have the time, and it's so darn hard to use it, not without a manual book in my hands (okay, dear statisticians, I dub thee - the Masters of Pandorahhh), not after I had an intravenous infusion of Tramal the day before yesterday, and boy, that thing made me all groggy. I think I slept for a total of 16 hours yesterday. So, my final resort was to go all manual at statistics the next day. Blargh. Hello again, Microsoft Excel.

24 hours later (a.k.a a few minutes before this entry)...

That's Grade I Mallampati for you! Alhamdulillah, my research manuscript was finally completed! I feel like dancing but I think I'm catching a cold and my roommate is peacefully sleeping. I hate seeing a Sleeping Beauty suddenly transform into the Green Hulk unnecessarily.

Besides, I think it's time for me to...
... sleep peacefully today. Haven't had a peaceful night for quite some time. Alhamdulillah for everything :')

Oh, before I end my entry for tonight, here's a cool picture....

Nyieh heh heh heh. Goodnight ;)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

am i sane enough?

I'm going crazy I'm going crazy I'm going crazy this research report is killing me by creating a previously non-existent boredom so malignant it's out of my control now. Ok bye.

Friday, October 28, 2011

when should one finally give up

I hate your short replies. I hate your insensitive nature. I hate those minutes of travelling back, hoping I would arrive to see something changing. I hate it when you start to disregard this communication. I hate your cold self, but what I hate the most is how endlessly I put hopes in you.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

the weekly summary

This week is coming to its end. Alhamdulillah, albeit a rocky one, again, I came out stronger mentally and emotionally. Most importantly, the true colours of certain people were revealed, although in a less desirable manner and my initial judgment was proven faulty. And for some other people, their impressive loyalty and trustworthiness were made obvious, even in such critical condition. It's true then, you can't suppress your inner demon or angel when you're being put under stressful condition. Some will hold to the principle of honesty is the best policy, but for others, telling lies seems to be the easier method of escapism. Nevertheless, the thing about telling lies is once you start one, you'll be troubled to build the whole framework to make them seem genuine - finally you're an established hypocrite. At one point, you'll live a restless life, fearing others will do the same thing to you. I don't want to live that life even if that comes at the cost of being hated by less tolerant people.

Whenever I feel bothered here, I'd remember a friend's words, "Z, you have a life apart from the one you're living in that wretched place. You have so many other friends and they are just like 0.1% of your life, if not less. Always give your best because you know that in the end, whatever happens, we'll all be here by your side, welcoming you home. Forgive them who can't accept others as if the rest are extraterrestrial. Remember that sometimes, ignorance is bliss. You can't save everything and everyone especially when your own affairs are out of hand". Come to think of it, yeah, I have so many more important friends, who I grew up with for more than a decade already. Quality over quantity. That's another principle of mine. I guess I made that right decision two years ago ;) If I hadn't done so, I would've drowned in misery this very second, but I'm not, Alhamdulillah :D

Speaking of which, I met Anisah yesterday :) She's getting her piloting license, how cool is that! Perhaps I can ask her to fly me to some place someday. Haha! Opportunist I is (evil laugh). Getting to talk with someone from my childhood really felt... er... enlightening? I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Dang, I forgot to take a picture of us together =_=" Oh well, I have still less than a year here, what am I rushing for? I'm supposed to rush at finishing the report for my research instead! Alhamdulillah, I discovered that my abstract does not need any correction to be done. Since there are quite a number of plans to be executed this coming week, ha, that'll save me more time :)

Let's put everything aside. So, I don't get to relax during this weekend because classes which were supposed to be going on during Deepavali were held earlier. 8am to 5pm activities as usual, but I think I'm falling in love with anaesthesiology. As Yiying said, anaesthetists are like angels ensuring the patients pain-free before, during, and even after being operated on. I think I was being ridiculous when I actually thought of meeting an anaesthetist similar to the one I watched in a Japanese drama - Team Medical Dragon. In the drama, the anaesthetist would always get stoned because he'd experiment some of the anaesthetic drugs on himself. That'd be a dream! A sinful one of course =_="

Approximately a fortnight ago, my juniors - Jiamin, Ziyad, Mike, Sarah, Jack, Acap; Yiying, and I performed for the 2011 MEDSOC Course Night - the first ever to be held in USM Kubang Kerian. To save time, we performed the same songs we did the previous week.

The band

Who knows that Jack who looks geeky is actually a good rapper! Even his pronunciation was good :D And Jiamin, I have no idea which note she can't hit!

From left to right: Me, Sarah, Jack, Hazwan, Mike, Ziyad, and Acap
Sitting: Jiamin and Yiying

Mike (the drummer) and I

Quoting Mike, "Kak, I hate racism, man! But you know what, I'm a ROCKSTAR! I'm beyond racism". If only everyone thinks the same (putting aside the rockstar part haha) :P Tapi, Allah ciptakan manusia yang berlain-lain kaumnya agar kita boleh belajar dari satu sama lain. And yeah, the last person I'd want to meet or know is another me. That'd be horrendous!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

all the right

I have all the right to feel angry right now. Hold on, I'm not quite right there.

Daripada Abu Hurairah r.a. bahawasanya seorang lelaki berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w. “Berwasiatlah kepadaku, “Lalu Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” Orang itu mengulangi permintaan beberapa kali, Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” (HR Bukhari)

I am filled with anger so much I sped to Tok Bali, hoping I'd hit certain people by chance. I guess my whole family including myself - we are workaholics. Ayah and Umi had reminded me repeatedly that I tend to be too kind to some people who apparently are completely blind to it, even though that means sustaining heavy workload. Why the blindness? Because for some people, badmouthing is just way too sinfully enjoyable without even thinking of its consequences. It's best to describe it as the start to a chain-reaction which finally produces hatred at an exponential rate. Self-limiting or not, I have no idea myself. But in the end, we'll have to question ourselves... apart from the buildup of hatred we gain... in which way is it actually beneficial? Personally, if I am clouded with doubts, I'd rather ask the source straight away. If you'd like to get an answer (for some reasons, textbooks aren't available) and be sure of it, do you ask your colleagues for it? Of course, that's an option, but you'll most probably get a mixture of answers and in the end, you'll still be in doubt, but what's worse is when you start assuming things. So the best is to ask a lecturer, the master of that field - the source.

“Sesungguhnya mengada-adakan kebohongan hanyalah orang-orang pendusta” (Al-Nahl:105)

Dan dipertegas oleh sabda Rasulullah:
“Tidak masuk surga orang yang menghambur-hamburkan fitnah” (suka mengadu domba) (HR Abu Dawud dan At Tharmudzi)

And regarding badmouthing others behind their back,

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W. bermaksud: "Awaslah daripada mengumpat kerana mengumpat ‎itu lebih berdosa daripada zina. Sesungguhnya orang melakukan zina, apabila dia ‎bertaubat, Allah akan menerima taubatnya. Dan sesungguhnya orang yang melakukan ‎umpat tidak akan diampunkan dosanya sebelum diampun oleh orang yang diumpat" ‎‎(Hadis riwayat Ibnu Abib Dunya dan Ibnu Hibbad).

I don't ask for your gratefulness. I don't ask you to say, "Thanks, Z". I don't ask you to trust me fully. I don't whine when I have to chase after those lecturers just to get a number of seminars scheduled. I don't say, "You guys are the ones who are supposed to do this". I don't get angry for no reason. I don't spread lies and fitnahs about others. Unfortunately, being slightly different (I'm proudly a Subangian and we don't live your typical life here) means letting yourself so vulnerable to assumptions. If you're too enthusiastic they'll call you a geek. If you keep silent, they'll assume you're busy planning or executing some mischievous plans. If you're neutral, then you're a loner, that you don't have a life. I don't mind being the target much but when it affects my friends too, my tolerance level will drop to such a low level, and I'll most probably lash out.

I'd like to share a story Ayah told me when I was little:

A father, his son, and their camel were on a journey. Someone came and said to them, "Oh, pity your son. Let him ride the camel. He must be very tired". So, the son rode it until another lad came up and said to them, "Oh, pity your father. Your old father is the one who should be on the camel. He must be exhausted", and the son looked at his father. "What should we do, father?". "Why don't we ride the camel together?", his father proposed. So, they shared the animal until someone came and said, "Oh, pity the camel. Both of you are riding it, how torturing!". So, both of them ended up walking alongside the camel. Then another person came and said, "What are camels for if not for riding".

Finally, the father said to his son, "Do you see, son? No matter what we do, it will never satisfy everyone".

“Sama saja bagi mereka apakah kamu memberi peringatan kepada mereka
ataukah kamu tidak memberi peringatan kepada mereka, mereka tidak akan

And for this, once again, I recall Ayah telling me a few years ago when I cried because a 'friend' back-stabbed me and I finally succumbed to disappointment.

"Siapa cipta manusia?" Ayah asked me.

"Allah", I answered.

"Jadi, siapa yang cipta hati manusia?".


"Haaa, tahu pun, doa itu adalah senjata orang Islam. Doa seikhlas hati minta Allah bukakan hati orang-orang tertentu. Dah, jangan menangis, nak". "Kalau kita tutup keaiban orang, Allah akan tutup keaiban kita. Kalau dicari keaiban orang, mesti akan jumpa. Orang yang terlalu mencari keaiban orang lainlah jenis orang yang rasa diri sentiasa betul".

Iman does not rely ultimately on what you post on your Facebook wall or blog. Iman does not rely ultimately on how you appear superficially. Beriman itu kan harus dengan hati, perkataan, dan perbuatan. Kalau pakaian sudah elok, tetapi bicaranya tidak enak, kan sudah tidak lengkap?

In the end, we have ourselves, Allah, and the guidance Allah gave us to decide on our actions. As long as you are sure that you're on the right track, afraid not. Even if every single soul leaves you, you still have your Creator listening to your every word and intentions, watching your every deed. And for all your sadness, Allah expiates your sins. Wallahua'lam.

I am very thankful that although my parents are strict, they shaped me well into a strong person who is capable of executing my jobs well, even if no one is willing to assist me. Of course, we live in a community and a community is like the framework of a building - we should rely on one and another, but I consider myself a pillar on its foundation. When the rest of it collapses I want to still be able to stand. I want to support others so they can stand strong too even if that means having myself being stepped on. Thank you, Umi and Ayah :) I love you both.

And to close the curtain (LOL), I'd like to quote someone saying, "I will always win in debates, except when the debator is a fool. I can never win that". So let us all be wise people ;)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

For the first time ever, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I'm already a final year student. Yeah, I have that "Nur Zahirah | Pelajar Pergigian 5" name tag pinned on my white coat, but never have I actually thought of it much because all of us started our final year in DDS. With medical postings, so most of the time, we're somewhat off the hook whenever any specialist or medical officer where we're being posted at shoots us with questions (they usually stop halfway when we inform them that we're dental students)... of course, until a specialist who used to teach us during our previous phases comes and stops us in the midst of chickening out, telling everyone, "No, no, no, their medical knowledge is as good as the medical students'. I was one of their examiners during OSCE exam". Still, since we're DENTAL students after all, things'd get significantly stressful when we actually begin our dental clinical session. When we know that little time is left for us to fill our brain with enough knowledge to face the world as a dentist - above all else - a SAFE and responsible dentist.

From left to right: Jiamin, Acap, Jack, Mike, Ziyad, me, and Yiying

Yesterday was my very last time of attending Malam Raya Persatuan Sains Pergigian as an undergraduate student, insya Allah. We received a loud applause, I guess we did a good job after all the hardwork, last minute decision, obstacles, and etc. The most dedicated band members I have ever worked with so far. Tang Jiamin, Asyraf Hamzah, Jack Chan Wah Loong, Michael Teoh Wee Jing, Mohamad Ziyad, and last but not least - my android yang rock - Teh Yi Ying, thank you for giving me such a good memory to keep :') Thank you for everything.

The past week was quite tough. Had so much to do and yet so little energy left as I was down with pharyngitis and food poisoning, but I tried my best whenever I could. Alhamdulillah, praises to Allah, for lending me the energy to complete all those tasks. A responsibility is still a responsibility even if you try to twist things around. As long as you have accepted one, execute it well. Itu ialah amanah yang diberi pada kamu. The first thing I did when I entered my room after everything was tidying up my bedroom. It had been a week and a half since I last changed my bed sheet. Since I have eczema, sleeping on the same bed sheet for more than a week would mean experiencing severe itchiness and rashes. Well, everything is back on its track now. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

the best ones

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for lending me a few people to me that I feel strong enough to face the world.

Teh Yi Ying, my human machine. A very responsible person, who will always execute any task given to her with her best effort - and because of that regardless how busy she gets, she'll always do fine during exams. A person you can count on to accompany you when you feel somewhat sad late at night. Someone you can laugh your heart out even over small little things. The most humble person I've ever met, honestly.

Norhafizah Mohamed, my motherly friend. My most hardworking friend, who even when encountering so many obstacles, she still stands strong - and for her every ATP used, she deserves her excellent results. The very person I can tell my every trouble and insecurity to. The one for whom I won't mind being nagged by Umi just to visit her house during raya. A sensitive but also the most sensible one.

Nur Azizah Abdul Hadi, my most independent friend. This is the very person who will survive even if she gets stranded on an island on her own. A Coolblog addict (but for some reasons, I can't tolerate this drink at all). The one who you can drag to any delicious restaurants, even hawker stalls, and you'd be sure she'll enjoy the food in one way or another. A 'poker face' master - a calm one, except when it comes to a few 'girly stuff' - of which she'd blush helplessly even if her facial expression doesn't say so. Whose ultimate weakness is - ghost stories :D

Man I love these people. Oh how I wish we'd all end up working near each other's clinic/hospital, but ah well. What are highways, aeroplanes, and all sort of communication modalities for?

Monday, September 26, 2011

the reason

Saw Zak Vee's post on Fb and the caption of it was LOLling in the Deep. Terasa pulak because Ziyad, Jiamin, Acap, Mike, and I (the sorta thing only Mike would call as 'BANDSHIP' with capital letters haha) will be performing that song for this coming Course Night for medical students. Ah, finally good players who are actually more opened to any suggestion. It took me four years to find them :) Come to think of it, I met Ayien when he was already in his final year of DDS and jamming with him was great! :D

So anyway, for some reasons, I seem to be a uhm... disorder magnet? Can I call it so? It seems to be so when it comes to Wani and I, but personally I find it enlightening. As I had quoted numerous times in the past:

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 70, Number 545

Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

I guess these are my free chances to abolish my sins :) Most recent one - as mentioned before, I was diagnosed to have arthritis secondary to trauma (previous accident involvement), hence, the numerous types of painkillers prescribed to me. Nonetheless, I hate taking them because there's no such thing as a drug/medication without any side effect. Besides, they are just painkillers - for symptomatic relief but NOT for therapeutic purpose So I just ignored the pain except during periods of exacerbation. Yesterday, during the usual morning ward round, my friends and I were whispering. My hands were on my hips until all of a sudden, my left hand slipped because my shoulder somehow slid to the back slightly and I experienced intense pain radiating from my left shoulder to the back of my left arm. Macam nak menangis gua, risau nikmat tangan ditarik balik. I asked Yiying to pull my left hand until it was fully extended and then POP! My shoulder was back to normal and perhaps I was too ecstatic and while I was trying to abduct my shoulder POP! It slid out again! My eyes began to well up with tears, not because of the pain, but it was due to anxiety. I was very worried. I asked Yiying to do the same thing again and Alhamdulillah, it slid back into its place.

Nonetheless, just to be safe, I sought medical attention and the lovely doctor (a new doc in Klinik Pelajar) said that I should've underwent physiotherapy a long time ago. "How can you stand the pain for two years already?", she asked me and I kept silent. I didn't want to say, "Frankly, I saw three docs due to this problem already, but everytime I did, the answer was the same - just take these painkillers. Nothing much can be done about it". If she were to say the same thing to me, I might break down at that very second, mayhap due to frustration. For my every patient's sake, I use my upper limbs a lot. I'm a dental student and I will become a dentist soon, with Allah's will. But she was very nice and I didn't have the heart to say so. To cut things short, she referred me to the physiotherapy lab here, that I might gain benefit from this rather than taking painkillers alone, and that things seem to be worsening that it should be halted. If only all docs are this nice and sensitive. Alhamdulillah. Niat, usaha, doa, dan tawakkal akhirnya berhasil.

Speaking of which... if a friend can't even handle me having all these problems, I don't think he/she is worth befriending. Might as well keep a distance from this person.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

elective elective electivvvve

Apparently my elective research is still here haunting me. Just to get 199 samples, I had to read 1400 medical folders. And currently, the system initially utilised in this research which is the maxillofacial injury severity score system was unsuitable due to poor documentation. So I had to switch to another system which is the abbreviated injury scale system which seemed to have PREVIOUS STUDIES conducted involving it before. And if you guys did statistics before, you'll know that we have to take into account whatever result derived from those studies in order for you to count your own sample size. I was taken aback for awhile as I hate to see my sample size inflate because it's so damned hard to find acceptable samples! As mentioned before, the average chance of getting an acceptable sample is one in every seven folders. Which means - let's say I need to add another ten samples, I need SEVENTY folders more. So I consulted my supervisor, Dr Abdullah Pohchi, who is also an oral maxillofacial surgeon. Alhamdulillah! He suggested me to skip the recalculation and proceed with whatever I have, but I need to add another criteria to be analysed - in other means, I need to request all 210 folders I reviewed before. Still, that's better than having my sample size inflated. You might even find me trying to jump off the hospital building nearby if that happens. Lawak sejuk aja, but I'm glad nevertheless.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

the grip was lost

A week had passed. And I still can't wipe those visions off my mind. Sigh... why did I actually think I was strong enough to see everything?

Had ECG (electrocardiogram - to check electrical activities in the heart) done quite some time ago, just for fun. I record patients' ECG for fun when I feel bored during my attachment to the emergency department, in another way, I'd lift some burden off the nurses' shoulders. It was clear, but here I am. Sleep deprived, and feeling chest discomfort. Basically I wake up every couple of hours for no reason. At times, I'd wake up to my own whine. I tried to cheer myself up this past week, at times, it'd work, but at nights, it'd fail horribly. The headache localised on my temporal area is getting more intense from time to time. Everything just because of an incident a week ago. Perhaps I should try seeing more of this, so I'd be numb.

I wish I have someone to take me away from this place just for awhile, and let me clear my head. I wish I can break down in front of someone and feel perfectly fine instead of embarrassed - as I usually feel. I wish I can be the real me at times. I feel caged. Nonetheless, I know... once I get a grip on this, everything will be just okay. Be assure, Zahirah. Be assure.

Weird isn't it? Most people will tell more on Facebook (now we're comparing virtual spaces only alright), but personally blog feels cozier. Like sitting on a soft couch, reading thriller novels, having a good cup of espresso, with a few good puffs. That's my idea of coziness.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I wish this will go somewhere... somehow. Sigh.

Zahirah, you gotta study harder. Hwarghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

snail brain

It had been super super long since I last studied on Fridays (weekend for Kelantan). Perhaps it's time to change gears for more power. After two months of leaving all these textbooks, I am intrigued to have my brain scanned and if signs of degeneration are evident, it will not come as a surprise. Remembering mnemonics aren't much of a pain in the ass, but it's a jab when I can't remember what those initials stand for. Full throttle!!!

Finally weekends are here. I'm currently attached to the Accident and Emergency department of HUSM. A good place to start as the specialists are so warm toward us. Of course, all of us, the dental students, can never run from being showered with sarcastic remarks such as, "I don't understand the reason you're here. This isn't related to you at all. Maybe one day there'll be a patient who'd be brought over on a stretcher, requesting for crowns", but eventually we got to persuade a few medical officers to share their knowledge with us and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Still, there are those oh-I-feel-so-dumb-right-now moments during revision and I'd feel like crying, feeling very disappointed of myself. It may hap because I don't know what to do just to take my mind off things when the brain approaches its boiling point. For a start, I don't have snacks on my shelves (monosodium glutamate makes me dizzy and sleepy, while minty sweets make my tummy go all gassy. Killjoy!). I have a handful of games installed but once I start playing them, my biological clock will go erratic and I'll start sleeping at 6am and waking up at 4pm. I don't want that kind of life anymore. It's too tiring. I have thriller novels, but I won't stop until I reach the epilogue. At times, I'd drive alone. Speed soothes my mind, but I can't do that everyday. I need KA-CHING! More importantly, most drivers here are rude and dangerous. I don't fancy another accident. I can call a few friends, do some catching ups, but I'm not a fan of that. And I'm not much of a 'texting' person either. I can play my electrical guitar, Mr Mike, but it's too bothersome to turn on the amp and plug this and that in (yes, I'm a sloth at times). So in the end, I equipped myself with Merci dark choc. Normally, I'd have a cup of coffee instead, but some smart ass stole my water boiler as well as my rice cooker. Argh. Spare me some wastage, man. I can't afford buying those stuff every single year for five consecutive years. They don't come cheap.

More reasons for some KA-CHING! - today my cornering lights went dead. Not to mention my center brake light died three weeks ago... aaaaand my low beam headlamps died countless of months ago. Will send it to a workshop tomorrow. Ish, typical perempuan ni kalau tak jaga kereta punya well-being. Cannot like dat you knowww.

Two days ago, the pain on my left shoulder worsened that my mood went down the drain. So I sought medical attention. The doc said that it's arthritis (OA?) secondary to trauma (referring to the accident which I was involved in two years ago). Drat! Satu lagi peluang untuk hilangkan dosa gua, insya Allah.

Well anyway, I had just finished tidying my room up. Bought a few stuff (setakat yang termampu dengan keadaan kewangan yang meleset di kala biasiswa JPA masih berada dalam genggaman bucik-bucik USM yang seronok melalui kerenah birokrasi dan menjalankan kerja dengan efisen) and redecorated my room. Since this is my final year in DDS., insya Allah, might as well make it a memorable one - with a nice room of course. Unfortunately, a few people who used to live in this room decided to be pricks and left numerous unsightly markings here and there. If only we, students, are allowed to paint our hostel room as we wish, I'd cover these walls with a decent wallpaper :P Oh well, at least, now I don't have to face a dump after a tiring day in the clinic :)

I sure miss having a labret on. During my visit to Bandung a couple of months ago, I even purchased two labrets - hoping to finally have one on once I complete my DDS. Speaking of which, I recall receiving a somewhat insulting question from my senior, just because I had a labret on. Gosh, I don't even drink. This is just one little wrongful thing I hold close to myself and nothing else. Kalaulah semua orang bersangka baik...

Friday, September 16, 2011

life as we know it

I had just finished watching a film screened in 2010 - Life as We Know It. Can't believe I shed a few tears watching it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

hello, hello, final year of DDS. :)

Hello, Kelate. Lo ni saya doh jadi pelajar doktor gigi tahun terakhir. Debar ado, suko ado, tak tahu sero guano. Pah bereh DDS. ni dok ahu bila bulih kecek Kelate lagi... atau hok agi penting... bila perlu kecek Kelate. Hahahaha. Koya molek sero kecek lagu ni kat sini. Tapi takpo, hari ni, saya nok kecek Kelate sikit walaupun sek ye oyak saya kecek supo Sie. Sie tok Sie hok penting sekali pesakit mari jupo kito pehe belako.

Sedar tak sedar, abih empat tahun doh ngaji kat USM ni, masuklah tahun ke lima. Saya tokse wak supo dulu, paceroh duk main game sapa 2-3 pagi (kalau buke 4 pagi :P). Tahun ni kena ngaji kuat sikit. Requirements banyok sengoti nok kejar. Semoga dapat berjaya menghabiskan semuanya, insya Allah. Dok ahu nok ngepek gapo lagi kat sini.

Speaking of which... this reminds me of an incident when Wani, Syafiq, Ahmad, and I were on our way to Ibu's house in Johor Bharu. I bought a packet of fish crackers which was manufactured in Kelate. Written on it was, "Keropok Ikan. Boleh dimakan selalu". "Apa makan selalu? Suka hatilah nak makan bila hahaha", Wani commented, but the thing is... it actually means, "Keropok ikan. Boleh dimakan terus (tak perlu goreng dahulu)" XD

Nevertheless, who am I to laugh at her when this happened to me - Jijah and I were on our way to Kota Bharu and I was in my first year in USM. A sign hung in front of a mosque had "Tutup pintu selalu" (or something like that). I was confused. "Jijah, kenapa nak main-main dengan pintu masjid ni selalu?". She laughed and enlightened me with an explanation later.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

blog snob

Oh! A fortnight had passed since I last blogged and my end of fourth year holiday is coming to its end. It's 5.25am and I don't feel like sleeping. The reasons being I accidently slept for an hour last evening after entertaining Umi's guest and perhaps because there's only eleven hours left before boarding my flight back to Kelate.

Oh yes...

Selamat hari raya eid ul-fitr, everyone. Many apologies if ever I did wrong, intentionally or not.

I find myself being too hypocritical. I'm asking for your forgiveness but here I am, trying so hard to forgive a few people who apparently aren't grateful enough for whatever chances and favour I did them. This very bunch of people who had been causing me problems and I guess I'll just consider it as doing some charity work because honestly, they're too much of a liability to me and whatever I did, it's because of feeling sympathetic and nothing more. Do answer this - what did they provide me apart from companionship when I already have great ones? Oh, leeches... SHOOO!

Zahirah, don't be a meanie.

So recently, I've been reading comments on the increasing number of bloggers who prefer writing in English. "Tak sedar diri Melayu", quoting some of them. Alright, here's the deal. We converse in Malay. We read Malay papers albeit a few of them (such as Harian Metro) had been misquoting news on countless occasions. Then, what's wrong with blogging in English? In my case, I'm just grabbing this opportunity to practise this language because well, apart from having to converse with my patients in Malay, basically, the curriculum is English-based. So don't go all overreacting over small matters and blame your parents for not teaching you this language when you were small or not getting the chance to practise it as the time comes, requiring you to utilise it (such as during presentations or report writing). You only have your ignorance to thank to.

Nevertheless, it's never too late to start working on it for your own good. You have books, movies, songs, and the most accessible one - this thing you're using to read this blog. Go figure! :D And remember... people who speak with British/American/Gossip Girl (can this be accepted as so many are doing this?) accent aren't necessarily good in English. Most of our leaders speak in English with Malaysian accent intelligently and most importantly - making minimal grammatical error. So don't feel inferior. Go go matte (Whazza?).

Saturday, August 27, 2011

i remember...

... getting somewhat heated up with a lad who just began his career as a UD41 dental officer. Of course, I am certain, even to this day, that my companions and I were on the right side. Of course, diplomacy should not be compromised, especially when you're heaving certain responsibilities, in which case, protecting the dignity and pride of certain body/institution was your main priority. Nonetheless, perhaps, being a senior by two year, to this lad is an excuse for him to threaten us in a few ways. Perhaps too, he thought he had the upper hand in this case, but very unfortunate of him, not all students are so vulnerable. Well, actually, we, students, have so many privileges but somehow some of us are just too ignorant to notice and utilise most of them optimally. Nevertheless, never forget not to lose your head and disrespect others just to achieve a few goals. Be diplomatic, wise - especially in choosing your words, and if you can't really think outside the box, at least think twice before acting. Anything may generate a chain reaction which may either result in desirable or disastrous events.

Speaking of which... I'm having this headache in my er... right temporal area. And my mood has been ugly ever since, hence, I have been saying bad stuff. I feel like running away to a secluded place and stay there until the pain goes away, because I'm afraid I had hurt so many people these few days.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

lalang oh lalang

It's just funny. How one would do anything just to feel like 'being in a group', to try to fit in, when he or she had been taught all along on what's right and what's not. Of course, we need to live in a framework of our own kind, but we also need to know when to break out of it. Because after all, there are just too many people out there for you to befriend. Nonetheless, if you are too immature to make your call when you know things aren't going in the right direction, whose fault is it in the end? Especially when the same group of people had been throwing you away repeatedly and you know it very well - the future that awaits you.

We obviously need to equip ourselves with the skill of coping, but there's a clear line between coping and simply being a 'lalang'. It's amusing to observe this person condemning your every action and just to amplify his/her action, fitnah is being spread for no particular reason, when for years he/she had been licking your arse and you have yourself to laugh at for foolishly sparing a part of your heart for this little puppy. But in the end, you know you have so many people to rely on and this little puppy will continue being lost. Its lost. Not you. Besides, as Umi had reminded me, "You can't force everyone to like us". Let's agree to disagree.

The final thought for today... I desperately need to cure my phobia towards roaches. My urinary bladder feels like it's about to explode, but two cockroaches which decided to make themselves at home were busy doing Bollywood routine in the toilet. I chickened out. Let's just hope that sahur time will come fast because then my saviours will be awake. Rise, my comrades!

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

turn back

"Cuba jadi perempuan sikit, Ira. Asyik terkinja sana terkinja sini", I recall my mother nagging me as I was climbing my way to the top of the mango tree in our compound. Almost never a girlish child, my cliques were mostly those of the opposite sex. I guess it's because I spent most of my childhood with Ayah, Along, and Ahmad.

I had four good friends when I was eleven or twelve. During that time, most girls were busy polishing their American accent, too much emphasis on 'rrr's and 't' became 'd', etc. So I didn't make the effort to mingle with them. A little bit snobbish there. Of all these four guys, I'm still keeping in touch with one of them - by the means of occasional hangouts, totally lost contact with another one, the third was uhm... I don't know. Things got awkward later for reasons I still fail to comprehend. And the last one used to be my closest friend. Got into the same class for so many years since I was seven, the geekiest and most innocent lad I had ever known in my life. Somehow, we weren't on talking terms all of a sudden as I entered high school. I didn't even know what happened to him until a few months ago when I received a friend request from him on Facebook. I don't really understand it, but changes are supposed to be normal, especially if you're given almost ten years to evolve; but it was as if he's a completely different person with the same face and apparently, the same name. For some selfish reasons, I actually wished he still is the same person I used to know. Friend, I wish we're still communicating now, but oh well. People change.

At times, we wish we can keep all the friends we used to know, maintaining the same relationship but that's impossible. And so it seems.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Giada dan gigi

I'm not saying that I had mastered the art of becoming a couch potato, but I'm starting to watch TVs again. Life had been pretty hectic since my end of fourth year holiday began and finally, here I am, in my new home which is approximately fourty kilometers away from my former one in Subang Jaya. I haven't gotten accustomed to Nilai yet, but I sure am relieved to escape that congestion near my hometown, caused by USJ residents mostly (SS18 and SS19 don't have that many residents aight), they just drive me nuts every single time! Not to mention female drivers who almost never failed to make me somewhat humiliated by the way they handle the wheels. Don't drive fast if you don't know how, for everyone's sake, and your shades aren't helping much. Moreover, the road-bullies. Sigh... I have to resist the urge of pressing on the brake pedal every single time I'm tailgated. Surprise, surprise, some people just don't know how to utilize those signal lights optimally. I actually did this once simply because I wasn't in a good mood and I couldn't escape the fast lane because the middle lane was packed, but it wasn't a full brake and that Caldina right behind me panicked and I could hear its tires screeching. Shouldn't have done that. Things could've gotten uglier.

Well anyway, back to my initial purpose of writing this entry - Giada dan gigi. I've been watching snippets of Giada at Home and every single time, my brain will be instructing me this - please for my sake, change the channel, Zahirah; but I can't help but to continue watching it. Come to think of it... we, human, are masochists at times. We derive pleasure from pain. So what's the source of my pain? Those veneers are really getting on my nerves. Initially, I thought, "Did her dentist just increased her vertical dimension on occlusion too much that speech becomes difficult with those veneers?", when I saw her keep flashing those teeth too much and I actually sympathised her, but eventually, she started speaking like normal adults do, before, of course, resuming to her teeth-flashing state again. And then I knew... it's just her. So I Googled "Giada+teeth", and this came out. A good laugh after sahur. It's Ramadhan, Zahirah! Do something beneficial!!!!

That's Giada for you.

Monday, July 11, 2011

That's it, lady

For the past few months, my life has been very eventful. Starting with joining a community service for fun as well as to gain experience a fortnight before exams,...

... performing with Hazwan, Ziyad, Mike, Yiying, alongside a string orchestra during Malam Graduasi Pusat Pengajian Sains Perubatan 2011,...

... sitting for the end of fourth year exams which were held six days later, worked my arse off as the project manager and one of the performers during The Annual Graduation Night 2011 for my dental school,...

... joining students competition during Malaysian Dental Association Congress 2011 - submitted one entry for each video and pamphlet categories which together with my team members we nailed first and second places,...

... doing a research, climbing Stong Mountain HALFWAY (hahaha) with Yiying, Ah Beh, Adrian, Chang, and Poisze,...

... burning my flight ticket back home and was sent by the school to join the National Research and Innovation Competition 2011

... during which Alhamdulillah I won this with Yatie and Yana's assistance (thank you so so so much for this guys, especially Yatie)...

... a bronze medal and I was the most junior participant, spending my first week of holiday in Krabi, Thailand, with Mel, Anith, and her coursemates,...

... and quite recently I finally get to meet all of my girlfriends (kekeke) during May's father's birthday party.

In just two months - I wonder what was in my head. "You've gotta learn to say 'no' la, Skypez", my old friend Azizi told me. Nonetheless, I can't deny I enjoyed everything - the adrenaline rush episodes and sleepless days before competitions, last minute revision for exams (four days for four years of syllabus, my brain nearly crashed), and performances; overflow of serotonin when I indulged myself too much during the trip, anxiety as I burned my flight ticket for the very first time in my life, muscle strain from climbing that mountain due to insufficient warm up and carrying amps and keyboards for music practices, living on vitamin C supplements to avoid falling sick due to overexertion, getting jabs in the arse secondary to food poisoning for not getting proper meal - didn't have enough time for a proper one :P, excessive laughters and gossips which I shared with my senior - the beautiful and intelligent Karen Voon, and my carefree team member, Yana, and whatnot. In a way, I'm psychotic to enjoy these, but I also know I am stronger now. Strong enough to shove off a few people who have been mistreating me for quite some time. I don't get angry easily albeit being a little bit dramatic is sinfully enjoyable, but once I do, you should know that you might have crossed the line a wee bit too much.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, July 3, 2011


From the way things are going, being overweight is like a curse I chose to cast upon myself.

And how things get misinterpreted so easily... it never failed to blow my mind.

Albeit how hard I had been trying to live positively beause I fear how pesimism gripped so tightly on me before, at this rate... I'm not sure whether I can continue doing this. I'm just unsure about everything. I'm unsure about everyone around me. I only have Allah to turn to. Please send me guidance.
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Saturday, July 2, 2011


Some jokes just aren't funny. Personally.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, July 1, 2011


Goodbye, Krabi, u gave me so much unforgettable moments. I want to write so much about it, but Ayah had moved our internet line to our new house in Nilai. So I'm currently blogging using my phone... which isn't as convenient as using a laptop.

Lately, i haven't been quite honest with myself. I look at them and I'd think... if only I have a partner like that to tell all my worries, doubts, happiness, and whatnot to. I guess I'm still a human then. An already twenty three year old human. I feel so old. Ah, but kind people don't come easily and I somehow think I don't deserve such person. If it's not for me to experience it, oh well. Might as well let myself being engulfed by this unpleasant emotion.

I think this is my very first time writing about such thing, eh?

Monday, June 27, 2011

test for droid

Hello. Published?
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Thursday, June 16, 2011


Lame, I know, but at times like this, I can't help but to wish Avenged Sevenfold will come to Malaysia one day in the nearest time. Incubus is coming. I'm not much of its fan, but thanks to Ariff, Hanif, and Kamal, I learned to like a few of their songs which we covered during our jamming sessions. Since I'll fly off to Bandung on 16th July, so I'll have to pass that. Ahh... I guess, I'll just save some money once I work as a dentist and fly to Long Beach or somewhere to watch them.

Yesterday, I received a call from our acting deputy dean, Dr Fadhli Khamis, and the chairperson for elective, asking me to present my senior's research in the National Invention and Research Competition 2011 as the academic office nominated me. "We think you'd be able to present it well", Dr Asilah said. I wanted to refuse the responsibility but I guess it might provide me good exposure and experience. After having such a tough time during the recent Malaysian Dental Association congress (the students' part), in which case I enjoyed lectures by specialists and lunch only, I thought... "Am I really up to this? I haven't studied for a fortnight already". And my elective research is far from completion, I'll have to resume it when the new semester starts.

It's somewhat disappointing having to read those medical records with such poorly documented medicolegal part. In a few instances, I couldn't even find any record of the Glassgow coma scale. Come on, man, that's a crucial information! I hope y'all future docs won't do this. It's a reminder to myself as well. Since I'm doing a research on helmet-related oral maxillofacial injury in motor-vehicle accidents (MVA) among motorcyclists (ya, kerja saya sekarang terperap dalam Unit Rekod), I thought that it's important to note on whether the patients were wearing a helmet during the accident since the insurance company might want to know about that too. Only fifteen out of every approximately forty records fulfilled my research criteria, and I applaud those medical officers who documented the details well. You did a good job. Nonetheless I couldn't stop myself from smiling as I heard Ah Beh saying, "Look at this. Caries positive". Now I understand the reason our former most dean, Prof. Dr. Datuk Ab Rani, wanted us to study medicine. Recently, my friend, Syuhaida Syuib @ Ida said to me, "We received a referral case from the dental clinic. It was a case of dental pain secondary to angina (heart disease). Gosh we felt so proud". I mean, you will not want us to write "Bulging lymph node positive", if an incidental finding of enlarged thyroid is made, will you? Both parties should stop being ignorant. I wonder when shall both of us work in harmony, but oh well... easier being said than done.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

written in the stars

I tried cheering myself up by watching Glee. Apparently a worse feeling lingered instead.

I don't understand why I am running away from the same thing for two years already. It's getting exhausting, my stamina isn't that good you see. I might have jogged every single day when I was in my third year of DDS, but I stopped abruptly as my Professional 2 exams drew near. If there's a switch I can simply flick at my own will and erase a few memories, it'd be oh-so-useful. Instead of at least becoming blurry, the past is still crystal clear as far as I'm concerned.

Whenever it pops up in my mind, I seem to have the ability to shove it away at once, but the effect is always temporary. As temporary as the interval of time a rotation of the earth completes.

Everytime I take a flight early in the morning, I get to see the beautiful sunrise, featuring its best asset - the cloud, subhanAllah. It always look so solid, like an empire which buildings are made of cotton. And every single time, I can't help but to think oh how peaceful it will be if I can just run away from all the troubles residing on the ground and just lie on the cloud, away from all the conflicts I wish I can just ditch without feeling guilty, caring only about my own affairs although it might be lonely being stranded there alone. I just feel like... running away. Oh Allah, please make this silly though dissipate. Grant me the strength.

Friday, June 3, 2011

the 8th Annual Graduation Night

Alhamdulillah, my two months of chaos are finally over! Uncountable hours of sleep were lost, I was amazed that I only experienced an episode of upper respiratory tract infection for that. Thanks, Dr, for giving me a bottle of free vitamin C supplement :) Nonetheless, I had been rushing through meal times that I got acute abdominal pain twice due to food poisoning. Jjabs in the ass for that, weee~

Now lemme see... The 8th Annual Graduation Night which was held at Renaissance Hotel went quite smoothly; being the student project manager, I obviously overexerted myself because it's my name and also the name of the batch were on stake. We did a musical pantomime titled Romi and Julia. Mucho mucho gracias to Wani for willing to write a good script for us. It really helped speeding everything up. Received compliments from our lecturers (chairperson, Dr Nurul Asma) , staff, and friends. A handshake with Prof Dr Asma Ismail, our deputy vice chancellor; "You have a nice voice, it was a good performance", she said. Kembang hidung kejap. Those hours of practice till late at night paid well. Thanks to all lecturers, committees, batchmates, TAVA staff, and everyone who were involved.

Remember Dato' Dr Rosemi Salleh, the general medicine specialist from HKB who supervised us during our general medicine posting there? The one who said to a houseman, "The patient is having heart block or you are having mental block?"? Apparently he was one of the VIPs during the event. Other group members were really afraid of approaching him but being his usual warm and hilarious self, he greeted us as if our posting ended just the day before.

Congratulations to all seniors, may you all be a safe and responsible oral surgeons - especially to my senior, Seowlin, who was kind and patient enough to do a root canal treatment on my tooth although four attempts of killing it failed.

Took a photo with our very own Mama aka Dr Wan Zaripah Wan Bakar, our super creative and caring prosthodontist and also phase coordinator. Her dedication in executing her responsibilities are astounding. We love you :)

So, dear seniors, please wait for us. In about another year, we'll join you to serve the public too, insya Allah :) The time when their name was called out with the title 'Dr' was really touching. Gave me a boost, really. I wish with all my heart that I too will succeed in this with flying colours.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

a disguise

As told before, I sat for my end of year four exam which is composed of three papers - short assay question (essay) I & II, objective structured clinical exam (OSCE) I & II, and finally, a clinical exam.

I couldn't help but to weep right after I finished doing a class II amalgam restoration (a type of tooth filling), due to accidentally underfilling the restoration. It was about 0.2-0.3mm in diameter - small, but dentistry IS a tedious course. We pay attention to small things others would usually disregard. So 0.3mm is huge to me. The time was up, but that didn't stop me to say, "Do I need to redo the restoration then, Dr?", a part of me was at the brink of giving up. Dr Zuliani Mahmood (paedodontist) and Dr Lailatul (periodontist) both said that it's not necessary, but knowing them, I really couldn't stop my eyes from welling up while autoclaving instruments we used. Everything went so well until the final filling. Dr Zuliani is always a strict lecturer, but the warm aura she always have seem to bring out the best in ourselves. I looked at Yueming who asked me, "Z, how was yours?", helplessly. He wasn't being his usual jerk self. Well at least I know that someone's sympathising me - although till now I'm not quite sure how that'd help. It's just psychological stuff.

Two days ago, while again cleaning up my dental chair, feeling more unmotivated than ever, someone shouted, "Result dah keluar!". My heart was pumping so hard that I felt dizzy. Little did I expect it'd be announced so soon. Only four days of studying a syllabus of four years. I was too busy helping others when I was the one who needs attention from myself. My pace was slow, but every earthly thing must come to an end. I looked at the notice and continuously whispered Alhamdulillah. I did alright :') Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, I was thinking... how can a person be so perfect in so many ways? What I'm feeling is not envy, but it's... awe. I'm awed and feel honoured to get to know such creature.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

i have so much to say but you're so far away

I get angry over small things. I don't find that silly as much as I do getting excited over little things. I am too outspoken, I hurt so many. Holding back facial expressions reflecting my thoughts are so hard. I am bossy when I think I need to save a situation desperately, but some think I'm overexerting myself over petty things. But these very petty things are what I cherish the most. At times, I might seem selfish, but what I want them to understand is... I did it all because I care for them. In the end, I made myself seem like everyone's enemy. So I am a bad person, am I not?

Friday, May 13, 2011


Whenever I login to my Fb account there's always one thing that bugs me - people who speak oh-so-philosophically but in reality, they care shit about everyone else. People who laze around at others' cost. They who always enjoy their own sweet time when others anxiously try to meet deadlines. I wouldn't mind if one takes occasional breaks if all jobs are executed well, but uhm... it seems that only a few are working their arse off. It's rather disappointing. May Allah grant me the strength to face and succeed all these tests.

I'm slowly, excruciatingly slowly losing my patience and manners.

Friday, May 6, 2011

it will all be okay, insya Allah

We hadn't sat for any paper for so long until two weeks ago. And on the day after tomorrow, fourth year students of dentistry here shall sit for five papers - collectively known as end of year four exam. This is when the reality feels like a pinch in the middle of an episode of daydreaming. While I was busy trying to figure out the flow of this Gingival Problems lecture note (somehow, all the slides were jumbled up. How did it get to this?) by Dr Erry Mochamad Arief (our periodontist) and feeling slightly panicky I wanted to cry from this sudden build up of pressure, I accidentally turned on my media player and heard, "When you are close to tears, remember, someday it will all be over" - a line from Lighthouse Family's High. What a coincidence.

Yeah... let's try our best together and may all of us pass this exam with flying colours.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

i told you i won't stop - medical school graduation night 2011

Just because a few pests hit your windshield, it doesn't mean you should stop.

Albeit somewhat trapped in the hectic life of a fourth year student of dentistry, it didn't stop Yiying and I from performing during Medical School Graduation Night 2011. Frankly, I whined... A LOT, to Hazwan who was responsible in dragging us into this job - for which I spent quite a proportion of my time for studies, since our end of fourth year exam is just around the corner - five days away.

I performed quite a number of times already, but I'm not into solo acts. Being in a band feels more comfortable. So what makes this time different from previous performances? That is... having a string orchestra accompanying us :)

Countless thanks to the talented students of Maktab Rendah Sains MARA (MRSM) Pengkalan Chepa for such great performance!

Then as soon as I started giving up on finding new musical talents in this kingdom of geeks - especially since Ayien graduated from the school - I bumped into these guys - Mike and Ziyad. The talented jokers. Finally I get to jam metal songs in USM (although I can barely catch up with their pace. Too rusty, man!) :D They're very helpful too. Well at least Yiying and I didn't need to do all the carry-the-f-ing-heavy-amps work as we did before. I have only Allah to thank for this. After all the hardship the three of us - Hazwan, Yiying, and I had to go through before, all the dissing, insults, and backstabbing, are all worthy. The prayers I sent for Allah to open the heart of a few people or at least distance them from me for I was too weak to put an end to the anger and disappointment, not to mention the humiliation I sustained during that interval was finally answered. When Ayah advised me not to wish for the condemnation of those who were unjust to us, I thought he was being too philosophical, but still, I obeyed him. He's right, as always. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for lending them to me.

(Clockwise from upper left: Mike, Hazwan, Ziyad, Yiying, and I)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

something amiss

I'm not quite sure whether it's just panic catching up on me for having to hand up my oral surgery logbook today, 10.00am sharp (the lecturer initially gave us a later deadline), falling asleep at 8pm, or something more complicated is behind this restlessness.

I browsed through my friends' Facebook page. Quite a number of them have started working, earning their rightful pay, and having fun. Here comes the evil green envious monster. I feel so exhausted after not being able to sleep more than 4 hours for months already. Recreation? That doesn't feel familiar anymore. Last week, Yana, Jijah, Fiza, and I went to Wakaf Che Yeh. There aren't many places you can go to after 10.00pm here in Kelantan (of which I am very grateful). "Jom tengok barang-barang? Aku mahu beli selendang", I suggested to them. Barely five minutes later, all of us started to complain of sleepiness. We headed back and as if being drugged, all of us succumbed to the need of replenishing our energy. This didn't seem to end just there. "I need a break. I am so exhausted", I heard myself whispering slowly, literally, and tears began to run down my cheeks. Isn't this what I've been wanting since I filled the UPU form? Did I not promise myself I'd try my very best to get this degree in the shortest time possible? Didn't I forbid myself from having excessive entertainment since that period of failing so much previously?

I should be grateful. I have a stable support system. Yiying to help reminding me of stuff. Pang to wake me up when I stayed up too late to finish my work. Yueming to refer to whenever I'm in doubt and to teach me. Fiza to confide my personal conflicts to, the best listener I had ever met so far. Beh and Poisze, the responsible duo, always executing their jobs well. Kila to spend my rare lunch time with. What is amiss? There's something else, but I'm not quite sure what that is. It's puzzling.

I noticed myself being more forgetful nowadays. Not being able to remember a simple slide after reading it once felt... horrendous. Well, 'even geniuses are dumb if they don't study'. I should cut down on something but what is it?

Well, anyway, I really really really wish to graduate next year. Amin.