Sunday, January 23, 2011


Egao no tame no watashi no egao o gisei ni shimasu...

... means to sacrifice my smile for yours.

CHANGES. Which one of you isn't afraid of it?

As gently as the time sweeps through our strands of hair, just like the wind, bringing part of our old self with it. I look forward to it and I anticipate its aftermath, but what if the latter turns out contradictory to everything I imagine it'd be? But that's... that's the rule of life isn't it? We don't really know how things'd go even 1 millisecond preceding the actual event... and so I tell myself again and again, but here I am, silently weeping after their departure. Yes, they are here, but no... these aren't the same souls. Everything slowly evolves, from what seemed to be sincere company to friends with benefits.

This chest aches, not from your ignorance and neglect, rather it's out of uncertainties. Of what awaits us in the future. I silently chant, "Oh, Allah, grant me strength to face this. Oh, Allah, grant me patience. I seek refuge in You", and yet, I forgot about another thing. What if it's me who has changed? And still... my chest aches as I see you galloping towards them. My lips tremble every now and then as I put on this smiling mask. Be at peace, friend, I shall not trouble you with my boring stories.

Mugi-meshi de koi tsuru. To sacrifice a little for so much more.

We're parting ways, aren't we?

yukkuri, yukkuri, slowly, slowly

I must've enjoyed myself too much this weekend because I have just finished watching my second drama series, Mei-chan no Shitsuji (Mei's Butler), and also a 26-episode anime, Ouran High School Host Club! About the former - Hiro Mizushima-san no me ga ichiban utsukushiidesu ne (Hiro Mizushima's eyes are so beautiful)! Do you notice that only certain people have those sparkling eyes? Such beautiful eyes :) Anyway, back to the Mei-chan no Shitsuji, I find this drama series sort of hard-to-grasp. We all know Japanese people beats all races when it comes to 'unique' (or weird?) stuff, but uhm... Yeah. I'd really like to visit that country, especially since quite a number of my favourite lecturers used to study or work there.

Anyway, is it just me who haven't watched any Japanese drama for almost 3 years already or this 'baggy-eyes' trend has just started? Ano keiko ga hontouni minikui ne (that look is just so ugly) -_-" Anyway, finally I got to know how Ouran ends. I'm not much of an anime fan. I prefer manga I think - leaves everything to our imagination. I had been reading Ouran manga a couple of years ago until its publisher claimed copyright stuff and all online manga websites had to cease from publishing Ouran scanlations. It's not that I enjoy benefiting from pirated stuff (and bear in mind, the internet connection over here sucks big time), but you can obviously count the number of good manga actually published in Malaysia. I was left with no choice (trying to convince myself :P).

Well I was about to write a few melancholic stuff actually, but it's 2.30am already. I have a class at 8.30am and a patient to treat at 9.15am. Good productivity must be prioritised... although I'm suffering from diarrhoea... AGAIN, thanks to the spoiled food I bought at a restaurant this evening.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

aih, my stance is shaky - an emo day for me

Bury my head into the pillow.

Doc, you know what... I called my patient so many times today to enquire whether he'll attend the appointment, but there was no answer and in the end, he was late. I honestly thought he'd FTA again (failure to attend). I called and called and in the end, my phone credit hit RM0.01. Doc, you know what... I didn't ask for that spittoon to suddenly cause a racket - a mini 'fire-work' made up of very rusty and contaminated water even without provocation. We complained about it so many times but everything was taken lightly, and now I had to pay the price. Doc, you know what... when I was trying to take my patient's periapical (PA) radiograph, there was already other patient in the x-ray room and I spent so much time waiting, but she was just a child. What could I expect? It's not as if we can hurry her much. Doc, you know what... I really tried to do intrapulpal anaesthesia after mandibular block and intraligament anaesthesia failed due to the abscess (abscess may neutralise the effects of anaesthesia), but his calculus was so thick, it even covered the pulp opening. Doc, you know what... I didn't expect my patient to be this uncooperative. But perhaps almost all smokers are stubborn, but it's prejudice to think so. Doc, you know what... I wanted to tell you that not all lecturers agree to permit prescription of radiograph without first presenting proper examination and diagnosis when you said, "You tak pandai manage patient lah!" in such a harsh tone. That's why I didn't take a PA radiograph beforehand. Doc, you know what... I don't take oral surgery easily, I mean this. It's what I'd want to major in insya Allah.

Finally, doc, you know what... I really wanted to punch your face at that time, but come to think of it now, I'd rather do it on my own face because I really think I was too ignorant. Doc, I am so sorry for what I had done today. I didn't mean them :'( I really didn't mean them.

I really don't feel like going to the lab for wire bending session. Yet another challenge to be faced by a dental student. Oh, Allah, grant me strength!

I don't understand a few things - why create a feedback form and ask us to fill it when later we're being condemned for doing so? "Benda kecil ni jadi isu besar tau", oh, how frequently it's being said. Well, then it's just another hypocritical move, isn't it?

Ore wa OTOMENdesu ka.

Imma be honest. I'm sleepy already but am too pumped up currently to write about a drama series I just finished watching a few minutes ago. It's titled 'Otomen' which was supposed to mean a boy who has both skills a girl and a boy should have (a somewhat sexist statement though, but blargh, who cares!). The plot was quite predictable, not too heavy especially for a person whose brain was strained for almost the whole day. Any fan of Hanazakari no Kimitachi E will most probably like this one too - not to say it's as overloaded with cute guys as the latter, but the former has enough of them LOL! I'm going to be honest, I'm a shoujo manga freak, so it's surprising that I have not read this manga before, hm... It has been three months since I last watched any drama! There was a line which captured my attention:

"No matter how much your make-up fades, I'll make you look like a butterfly everytime", said Hajime Tonomine (Ryo Kimura) to Miyabi Oharida (Mirei Kiritani).

Ngaaaa, I can fly with these bats hanging near my window already! My favourite character in Otomen was Hajime Tonomine (or perhaps just his eyebrows - Shota Matsuda-ish?)! And there was another thing that gained my interest - Concerto No. 2 by Rachmaninoff was again used as soundtrack. It seems that Japanese people have a thing for Rachmaninoff - watched about four Japanese drama series with this particular concerto used as soundtrack. Compositions by more popular composers (not to say I favour these people over Rachmaninoff) such as Beethoven, Mozart, or perhaps Bach weren't heard much. Speaking of which, I can't believe they played Hedwig's Theme by John Williams in the drama too! And I initially assumed Japanese people to be somewhat outdated when it comes to Holly-jolly-wood stuff, considering them using old English songs such as You Are My Destiny by Paul Anka a lot. Man, how old is that song really!

But in the end, the best part of Otomen was the video clip in the end. Nice job done on cinematography, really! I suddenly felt like watching Memoirs of a Geisha once again :P

Thursday, January 13, 2011

patient gua panggil gua mak. jadah? juadah? juadah pembuka selera.

Semalam saya telah mendapat pengajaran yang sangat penting - JANGAN PANGGIL DUA PESAKIT DALAM SATU SESI JIKA TIDAK TAHU APA YANG SEBENARNYA MENUNGGU KITA. I initially intended to call a patient just for an examination and diagnosis session yesterday and my second patient would be for the same purpose too. Every treatment should always start with an examination and diagnosis session first. Indeed, never simply discharge a patient if he/she is in pain. Simple common sense and yet I forgot this essential point. I felt terribly stupid and guilty towards my second patient. Thank God my colleague was in need of another patient. So I had to refer her to my colleague. It was my first time and should be the last one too if I can avoid it in the future. My whole afternoon felt gloomy :( Not to be repeated in the future, Zahirah! NEVAAA!!! Mampuslah tak pernah jadi macam ni ke tak sebelum ni, yang penting, sekali dah jadi jangan jadi lagi. Rosak reputasi bersihku.

So last week was somewhat dedicated to treating my medical counterparts (unintentionally) and now they all call me 'mother/mom/madam/puan/mak'. Jadah? I already look like a thirty-year old lady and to have people addressing me in such way. Others would think I'm married! Gahhhh!! Ah biarlah. Witnessing the aftermath is priceless! Tapi kalau gua nampak karang gigi lu naik balik, siap la gua tenyeh-tenyeh scaler tu mercilessly bak kata pakar periodontik kami, Dr Akram Hassan, "Biar diorang takut sikit". Ngeh ngeh. Gurau saja... ya ka gurau? Ya kut... I don't want a trip to the dentist becomes a traumatic event for anyone, but I don't want history to repeat itself too.

Next week will be oral surgery week, insya Allah. Time to flex these muscles! (Padahal lemak saja yang sibuk terhayun-hayun bawah tangan ni)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

kroni makaroni

I thought if I slept at 10pm I would wake up at 6am, but... why am I already awake now?? Gahhhh!

Speaking of this super-early morning topic - crony. So I've heard complaints from quite a number of students regarding a few frequently selected people privileged to join university activities (specifically under ahem ahem). Fun isn't it, splurging all our parents' money and also our scholarship (which was used to pay for our semester fee) for their own good. I don't mind if we have benefited a lot from these activities or perhaps from these people themselves, but... I can almost only see dust and specks of saliva coming from these sweet little mouths. Nothing but butt-kissing lies. Well whatever, if you choose to live that life... without guilt? Ngeh. You, who obviously can afford those holidays on your own, may eat up others' less-affordable and more deserving students' part as much as you want, but things don't go unpunished, bear that in mind.

The Asia Pacific Dental Student Association conference (APDSA) will be held this August in Bangkok. Apparently the dental school isn't sponsoring anyone except our representing speakers which means we'll have to fund ourselves (RM2-3k) and all of my batchmates backed out from the event. Umi granted me permission straight away, most probably because they went for so many vacations without me already (T_T), but... how am I going to enjoy it without any close companion? It was the same case as previous APDSA which was held in Tokyo. Same thing happened, Umi granted me RM7k, but I had no companehh. Anyway, I have already planned a vacation to Bandung with Jijah in July. Looking forward to lots of shopping! Thinking of Bali too, but Ayah despise that state. An obvious red light. Umi kata, "Carilah mana-mana negara awak nak pergi lagi. I'll pay but kena ada kawan temankanlah".

Who'd guess, Ayah, who is officially a pensioner now, went to Bandung a week ago (barely a fortnight after he pensioned) and is now planning to go to Egypt for a month, to visit Ahmad. He deserves this break :) I asked Umi and him to come and stay in Kelantan for a couple of months or so once Umi pensions, while I'm still studying here so that I can construct Umi a pair of partial dentures - a nice, stable, retentive, and long-lasting pair, or maybe a crown and bridge, but knowing them, they'd enjoy the new home first. Thinking of moving away - the time to say goodbye to Subang is quite near already. Subang has became too urban, too hectic, too packed with people who spend most of their time trying to impress others instead of achieving more meaningful bliss. I can't drive a day there without having my temper trampled on. And yet, half of my childhood friends are there. Just a few messages and all of us can easily gather, at any time (exception to me), anywhere, but that's almost a history already. Except for Syawa and I, the rest are already doing their practicals and shall officially graduate by this year, insya Allah. Everybody's busy gyaaaa! My turn will come next year insya Allah :) Currently, the clinical requirements are being filled at a satisfactory rate, considering I'm still in my fourth year. Let's go faster steadily instead of in chaos.

Monday, January 10, 2011

when the OPG machine failed us

We're supposed to practise tracing lateral cephalogram radiographs today. Whuzzat? That's just an x-ray with certain angulation, used as an aid in giving orthodontic treatments (those braces, etc.), but oh well, we walked all the way to a satellite cabin where the machine is and who'd guess an OPG machine (placed in the same room) failure made today's practical session almost erm... practical-less...? Alhamdulillah our orthodontist, Dr Rafeah Ayat Khan, gave us such an interesting demonstrations, I suddenly thought of taking orthodontics in the future. GAHHHHH HABISKAN DDS. DULU, ZAHIRAH!

Okay, so anyway, while we were waiting for the machine to be repaired, Yiying, Yeap, Sue, Yueming, and I had a little conversation on what each one of us would like to do after we have graduated - but our focus was more on Yueming since he said this to me quite some time ago, "I want to work until I'm 35 years old, then I want to retire and travel". Considering a guy whose skin is super pale, he has the complexion a girl would dream of, the brain which might even be on the same par as members of Mensa (a group of people who have IQ at least 98 percentile or higher), the skillful and slender fingers my colleagues and I always talk of, and the looks which may easily pass as an anime character - it's almost impossible for us to imagine him doing such thing. Initially the topic of our conversation was on Dr Saiful, the oral maxillofacial surgeon who is famous for being such a generous and nice lecturer, not to mention he's super smooth when he performs in operation theaters.

Sue: Weh, mu tau, Dr Saiful sponsor En Yadi pergi German. Best gila!

Z: Seriously??? Mak... syok gila. Ai, bila aku boleh buka klinik aku sendiri (Dr Saiful opens his own dental clinic specialising in tooth implants). Apa kata aku kerja bawah dia dulu. Kau rasa dia terima tak? Kekeke.

Yueming: You kerja untuk I la.

Z: Ngeh, kalau kerja untuk you, habislah I. "Ey, air jangan bazir. Disposable bib pakai satu untuk semua patient. Tak payah disinfect dental chair" (I was trying to point out that he's a stingy person)

Yueming: Haa, betul tu, suction tip (the straw-like instrument used to suck all your saliva and blood out, it's supposed to be disposable) tak payah tukar.

The rest laughed along.

Z: Kerja bawah Yueming yang kedekut, no way. Baik buka klinik sendiri. Dr Saiful belanja En Adi pergi GERMAN k, GERMAN. You nanti bagi I bonus apa?

Yueming: Can, can, I belanja you, don't worry. I belanja you teh dekat kedai I (his friend (or is it girlfriend? Ngeh ngeh ngeh) recently opened a bak kut teh restaurant).

Z: Acik you la, nak masuk pun tak boleh. Kalau you belanja teh, tak tahu berapa kali dah bancuh pakai the same tea bag.

Sue: Ha ah, tak boleh letak gula. Gula potong. Gula mahal.

When I write them down here, it didn't feel funny, but really, during that time, I laughed so hard that my eyes were teary. Tak elok gelak banyak-banyak. Now no wonder last weekend somehow felt down for me.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

go go go!

I just realised that I haven't posted anything here for more than a week. Life had been quite hectic lately... and probably this year to come. Now that we're in 2011, I have new resolutions (actually made up a few of them during Maal Hijrah):
1. To be a better muslim.
2. To be ahead at fulfilling my clinical requirements.
3. To read more books specifically on dentistry and Islam.
4. To learn more dental-related skills and polish them.

I really think I have not been taking religious issues serious enough :(

These couple of days, my mood has been mainly down due to... hm... quite a few. And when I feel down, I tend to sleep my sadness away. So, yesterday I slept for seventeen hours non-stop.

I sometimes wonder, will a few of so-called 'friends' still stick with me if I don't have a car? If I'm not on good-terms with a few guys who a few of my friends have been eying on, will they still be by my side? The latter might sound silly, but it's a fact - it has happened so many times already. Speaking of being a friend with benefits. I hate being taken advantage on and someone does that to me, I'm good at detecting it. At this rate, I wonder, should I just call this friendship off? It's getting harder and harder to fake a smile and laughter when later, I just feel like crying my heart out. But again, to follow the heart carelessly is unwise.

Firman Allah, maksudnya: “(Kalau kamu tidak mematuhi perintah) maka tidakkah kamu harus dibimbang dan dikhuatirkan-jika kamu dapat memegang kuasa-kamu akan melakukan kerosakan di muka bumi, dan memutuskan hubungan silaturrahim dengan kaum kerabat?. (Orang-orang yang melakukan perkara-perkara yang tersebut) merekalah yang dilaknat oleh Allah serta ditulikan pendengaran mereka, dan dibutakan penglihatannya.” (Surah Muhammad: Ayat 22-23)

I guess it's okay to just distance myself from them just a little bit, but not as far as calling it off, because I have Allah to listen to whatever that's troubling my heart. I always have my parents to pour everything out. And I still have so many friends out there. This is my jihad.

This sounds a bit like childish problems, right? Truth is, as long as you live in a community, it's almost inevitable because you and I, we might not think the same way about everything. You have your intentions, and I, mine. Can I expect you to be in totally ways I always hope you to be? I don't think so, but I can hope. It might feel sad when my hopes are crushed as it is right now, but yeah... I have other friends to rely on. Alhamdulillah.