Tuesday, April 26, 2011

something amiss

I'm not quite sure whether it's just panic catching up on me for having to hand up my oral surgery logbook today, 10.00am sharp (the lecturer initially gave us a later deadline), falling asleep at 8pm, or something more complicated is behind this restlessness.

I browsed through my friends' Facebook page. Quite a number of them have started working, earning their rightful pay, and having fun. Here comes the evil green envious monster. I feel so exhausted after not being able to sleep more than 4 hours for months already. Recreation? That doesn't feel familiar anymore. Last week, Yana, Jijah, Fiza, and I went to Wakaf Che Yeh. There aren't many places you can go to after 10.00pm here in Kelantan (of which I am very grateful). "Jom tengok barang-barang? Aku mahu beli selendang", I suggested to them. Barely five minutes later, all of us started to complain of sleepiness. We headed back and as if being drugged, all of us succumbed to the need of replenishing our energy. This didn't seem to end just there. "I need a break. I am so exhausted", I heard myself whispering slowly, literally, and tears began to run down my cheeks. Isn't this what I've been wanting since I filled the UPU form? Did I not promise myself I'd try my very best to get this degree in the shortest time possible? Didn't I forbid myself from having excessive entertainment since that period of failing so much previously?

I should be grateful. I have a stable support system. Yiying to help reminding me of stuff. Pang to wake me up when I stayed up too late to finish my work. Yueming to refer to whenever I'm in doubt and to teach me. Fiza to confide my personal conflicts to, the best listener I had ever met so far. Beh and Poisze, the responsible duo, always executing their jobs well. Kila to spend my rare lunch time with. What is amiss? There's something else, but I'm not quite sure what that is. It's puzzling.

I noticed myself being more forgetful nowadays. Not being able to remember a simple slide after reading it once felt... horrendous. Well, 'even geniuses are dumb if they don't study'. I should cut down on something but what is it?

Well, anyway, I really really really wish to graduate next year. Amin.

No comments: