Sunday, April 3, 2011

"Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up, it's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'd listen, and that's where I seem to mess up"

That's a few lines from Jessie J's Nobody's Perfect. The title is the perfect description for the mess I was caught in today.


It gets tiring when you try so hard from day to day, second by second, chanting words of encouragement to yourself, trying desperately to make something good out of this little remaining fuel I still have. "We're just talking about how you're always so positive", Adrian said to me... but, that's just a facade I let everyone see. That's my way of ensuring myself this - you're going to be okay, Zahirah. It may be just an act, but silently I hope it'd eventually come true one day. Nonetheless, there's a price to pay for this - vulnerability. I'd become very anxious whenever I sense any threat to this principle of mine. And there are a few things/matters that may exert strong impact on this.


So today, I fell again. Not the hardest fall I had experienced, but enough to distract me for the whole day. Crossed a line I reminded myself not to. Said stupid but true things. Hurt two souls with guilt. I apologised, but I swear. It wasn't the sincerest apology - which I regret the most. Again, I tried to run away from these conflicts. "Things shall pass eventually, Zahirah. Look up and walk. Walk and never turn back", my mind tells me. And so I tried to make myself as busy as I could today. Today I completed an acrylic partial denture (trimmed, sandpapered, and polished), one base plate, and a special tray in an hour. I don't usually go at this pace, but I just couldn't bear giving an opportunity to myself to think about the things that took place today. But once I reach my room, ample of free time, everything barged back in. I cried, cried, and cried. What else can I do? I'd send prayers, asking for things I don't think I deserve. Nevertheless, Allah knows best.


Considering all my wrongdoings, I think I deserve well everything that has happened. Every single heart breaking events. I have myself to blame.


I watched Aaron Vujicic's video again and again. "And until there is some times in life, when you fall down. You feel like you don't have the strength to get back up. Do you think you have hope?... If I fail, I'll try again and again and again. But I just want you to know that it's not the end. It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you gonna finish strong? And you will find that strength to get back up", he said and then he stood again from recumbent position - without arms and legs. I want to be this strong or better - I want to be stronger than that. Oh Allah, grant me the strength and wisdom to become stronger.

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