Thursday, May 19, 2011

a disguise

As told before, I sat for my end of year four exam which is composed of three papers - short assay question (essay) I & II, objective structured clinical exam (OSCE) I & II, and finally, a clinical exam.

I couldn't help but to weep right after I finished doing a class II amalgam restoration (a type of tooth filling), due to accidentally underfilling the restoration. It was about 0.2-0.3mm in diameter - small, but dentistry IS a tedious course. We pay attention to small things others would usually disregard. So 0.3mm is huge to me. The time was up, but that didn't stop me to say, "Do I need to redo the restoration then, Dr?", a part of me was at the brink of giving up. Dr Zuliani Mahmood (paedodontist) and Dr Lailatul (periodontist) both said that it's not necessary, but knowing them, I really couldn't stop my eyes from welling up while autoclaving instruments we used. Everything went so well until the final filling. Dr Zuliani is always a strict lecturer, but the warm aura she always have seem to bring out the best in ourselves. I looked at Yueming who asked me, "Z, how was yours?", helplessly. He wasn't being his usual jerk self. Well at least I know that someone's sympathising me - although till now I'm not quite sure how that'd help. It's just psychological stuff.

Two days ago, while again cleaning up my dental chair, feeling more unmotivated than ever, someone shouted, "Result dah keluar!". My heart was pumping so hard that I felt dizzy. Little did I expect it'd be announced so soon. Only four days of studying a syllabus of four years. I was too busy helping others when I was the one who needs attention from myself. My pace was slow, but every earthly thing must come to an end. I looked at the notice and continuously whispered Alhamdulillah. I did alright :') Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, I was thinking... how can a person be so perfect in so many ways? What I'm feeling is not envy, but it's... awe. I'm awed and feel honoured to get to know such creature.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

i have so much to say but you're so far away

I get angry over small things. I don't find that silly as much as I do getting excited over little things. I am too outspoken, I hurt so many. Holding back facial expressions reflecting my thoughts are so hard. I am bossy when I think I need to save a situation desperately, but some think I'm overexerting myself over petty things. But these very petty things are what I cherish the most. At times, I might seem selfish, but what I want them to understand is... I did it all because I care for them. In the end, I made myself seem like everyone's enemy. So I am a bad person, am I not?

Friday, May 13, 2011


Whenever I login to my Fb account there's always one thing that bugs me - people who speak oh-so-philosophically but in reality, they care shit about everyone else. People who laze around at others' cost. They who always enjoy their own sweet time when others anxiously try to meet deadlines. I wouldn't mind if one takes occasional breaks if all jobs are executed well, but uhm... it seems that only a few are working their arse off. It's rather disappointing. May Allah grant me the strength to face and succeed all these tests.

I'm slowly, excruciatingly slowly losing my patience and manners.

Friday, May 6, 2011

it will all be okay, insya Allah

We hadn't sat for any paper for so long until two weeks ago. And on the day after tomorrow, fourth year students of dentistry here shall sit for five papers - collectively known as end of year four exam. This is when the reality feels like a pinch in the middle of an episode of daydreaming. While I was busy trying to figure out the flow of this Gingival Problems lecture note (somehow, all the slides were jumbled up. How did it get to this?) by Dr Erry Mochamad Arief (our periodontist) and feeling slightly panicky I wanted to cry from this sudden build up of pressure, I accidentally turned on my media player and heard, "When you are close to tears, remember, someday it will all be over" - a line from Lighthouse Family's High. What a coincidence.

Yeah... let's try our best together and may all of us pass this exam with flying colours.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

i told you i won't stop - medical school graduation night 2011

Just because a few pests hit your windshield, it doesn't mean you should stop.

Albeit somewhat trapped in the hectic life of a fourth year student of dentistry, it didn't stop Yiying and I from performing during Medical School Graduation Night 2011. Frankly, I whined... A LOT, to Hazwan who was responsible in dragging us into this job - for which I spent quite a proportion of my time for studies, since our end of fourth year exam is just around the corner - five days away.

I performed quite a number of times already, but I'm not into solo acts. Being in a band feels more comfortable. So what makes this time different from previous performances? That is... having a string orchestra accompanying us :)

Countless thanks to the talented students of Maktab Rendah Sains MARA (MRSM) Pengkalan Chepa for such great performance!

Then as soon as I started giving up on finding new musical talents in this kingdom of geeks - especially since Ayien graduated from the school - I bumped into these guys - Mike and Ziyad. The talented jokers. Finally I get to jam metal songs in USM (although I can barely catch up with their pace. Too rusty, man!) :D They're very helpful too. Well at least Yiying and I didn't need to do all the carry-the-f-ing-heavy-amps work as we did before. I have only Allah to thank for this. After all the hardship the three of us - Hazwan, Yiying, and I had to go through before, all the dissing, insults, and backstabbing, are all worthy. The prayers I sent for Allah to open the heart of a few people or at least distance them from me for I was too weak to put an end to the anger and disappointment, not to mention the humiliation I sustained during that interval was finally answered. When Ayah advised me not to wish for the condemnation of those who were unjust to us, I thought he was being too philosophical, but still, I obeyed him. He's right, as always. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for lending them to me.

(Clockwise from upper left: Mike, Hazwan, Ziyad, Yiying, and I)