Saturday, October 29, 2011

am i sane enough?

I'm going crazy I'm going crazy I'm going crazy this research report is killing me by creating a previously non-existent boredom so malignant it's out of my control now. Ok bye.

Friday, October 28, 2011

when should one finally give up

I hate your short replies. I hate your insensitive nature. I hate those minutes of travelling back, hoping I would arrive to see something changing. I hate it when you start to disregard this communication. I hate your cold self, but what I hate the most is how endlessly I put hopes in you.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

the weekly summary

This week is coming to its end. Alhamdulillah, albeit a rocky one, again, I came out stronger mentally and emotionally. Most importantly, the true colours of certain people were revealed, although in a less desirable manner and my initial judgment was proven faulty. And for some other people, their impressive loyalty and trustworthiness were made obvious, even in such critical condition. It's true then, you can't suppress your inner demon or angel when you're being put under stressful condition. Some will hold to the principle of honesty is the best policy, but for others, telling lies seems to be the easier method of escapism. Nevertheless, the thing about telling lies is once you start one, you'll be troubled to build the whole framework to make them seem genuine - finally you're an established hypocrite. At one point, you'll live a restless life, fearing others will do the same thing to you. I don't want to live that life even if that comes at the cost of being hated by less tolerant people.

Whenever I feel bothered here, I'd remember a friend's words, "Z, you have a life apart from the one you're living in that wretched place. You have so many other friends and they are just like 0.1% of your life, if not less. Always give your best because you know that in the end, whatever happens, we'll all be here by your side, welcoming you home. Forgive them who can't accept others as if the rest are extraterrestrial. Remember that sometimes, ignorance is bliss. You can't save everything and everyone especially when your own affairs are out of hand". Come to think of it, yeah, I have so many more important friends, who I grew up with for more than a decade already. Quality over quantity. That's another principle of mine. I guess I made that right decision two years ago ;) If I hadn't done so, I would've drowned in misery this very second, but I'm not, Alhamdulillah :D

Speaking of which, I met Anisah yesterday :) She's getting her piloting license, how cool is that! Perhaps I can ask her to fly me to some place someday. Haha! Opportunist I is (evil laugh). Getting to talk with someone from my childhood really felt... er... enlightening? I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Dang, I forgot to take a picture of us together =_=" Oh well, I have still less than a year here, what am I rushing for? I'm supposed to rush at finishing the report for my research instead! Alhamdulillah, I discovered that my abstract does not need any correction to be done. Since there are quite a number of plans to be executed this coming week, ha, that'll save me more time :)

Let's put everything aside. So, I don't get to relax during this weekend because classes which were supposed to be going on during Deepavali were held earlier. 8am to 5pm activities as usual, but I think I'm falling in love with anaesthesiology. As Yiying said, anaesthetists are like angels ensuring the patients pain-free before, during, and even after being operated on. I think I was being ridiculous when I actually thought of meeting an anaesthetist similar to the one I watched in a Japanese drama - Team Medical Dragon. In the drama, the anaesthetist would always get stoned because he'd experiment some of the anaesthetic drugs on himself. That'd be a dream! A sinful one of course =_="

Approximately a fortnight ago, my juniors - Jiamin, Ziyad, Mike, Sarah, Jack, Acap; Yiying, and I performed for the 2011 MEDSOC Course Night - the first ever to be held in USM Kubang Kerian. To save time, we performed the same songs we did the previous week.

The band

Who knows that Jack who looks geeky is actually a good rapper! Even his pronunciation was good :D And Jiamin, I have no idea which note she can't hit!

From left to right: Me, Sarah, Jack, Hazwan, Mike, Ziyad, and Acap
Sitting: Jiamin and Yiying

Mike (the drummer) and I

Quoting Mike, "Kak, I hate racism, man! But you know what, I'm a ROCKSTAR! I'm beyond racism". If only everyone thinks the same (putting aside the rockstar part haha) :P Tapi, Allah ciptakan manusia yang berlain-lain kaumnya agar kita boleh belajar dari satu sama lain. And yeah, the last person I'd want to meet or know is another me. That'd be horrendous!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

all the right

I have all the right to feel angry right now. Hold on, I'm not quite right there.

Daripada Abu Hurairah r.a. bahawasanya seorang lelaki berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w. “Berwasiatlah kepadaku, “Lalu Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” Orang itu mengulangi permintaan beberapa kali, Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” (HR Bukhari)

I am filled with anger so much I sped to Tok Bali, hoping I'd hit certain people by chance. I guess my whole family including myself - we are workaholics. Ayah and Umi had reminded me repeatedly that I tend to be too kind to some people who apparently are completely blind to it, even though that means sustaining heavy workload. Why the blindness? Because for some people, badmouthing is just way too sinfully enjoyable without even thinking of its consequences. It's best to describe it as the start to a chain-reaction which finally produces hatred at an exponential rate. Self-limiting or not, I have no idea myself. But in the end, we'll have to question ourselves... apart from the buildup of hatred we gain... in which way is it actually beneficial? Personally, if I am clouded with doubts, I'd rather ask the source straight away. If you'd like to get an answer (for some reasons, textbooks aren't available) and be sure of it, do you ask your colleagues for it? Of course, that's an option, but you'll most probably get a mixture of answers and in the end, you'll still be in doubt, but what's worse is when you start assuming things. So the best is to ask a lecturer, the master of that field - the source.

“Sesungguhnya mengada-adakan kebohongan hanyalah orang-orang pendusta” (Al-Nahl:105)

Dan dipertegas oleh sabda Rasulullah:
“Tidak masuk surga orang yang menghambur-hamburkan fitnah” (suka mengadu domba) (HR Abu Dawud dan At Tharmudzi)

And regarding badmouthing others behind their back,

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W. bermaksud: "Awaslah daripada mengumpat kerana mengumpat ‎itu lebih berdosa daripada zina. Sesungguhnya orang melakukan zina, apabila dia ‎bertaubat, Allah akan menerima taubatnya. Dan sesungguhnya orang yang melakukan ‎umpat tidak akan diampunkan dosanya sebelum diampun oleh orang yang diumpat" ‎‎(Hadis riwayat Ibnu Abib Dunya dan Ibnu Hibbad).

I don't ask for your gratefulness. I don't ask you to say, "Thanks, Z". I don't ask you to trust me fully. I don't whine when I have to chase after those lecturers just to get a number of seminars scheduled. I don't say, "You guys are the ones who are supposed to do this". I don't get angry for no reason. I don't spread lies and fitnahs about others. Unfortunately, being slightly different (I'm proudly a Subangian and we don't live your typical life here) means letting yourself so vulnerable to assumptions. If you're too enthusiastic they'll call you a geek. If you keep silent, they'll assume you're busy planning or executing some mischievous plans. If you're neutral, then you're a loner, that you don't have a life. I don't mind being the target much but when it affects my friends too, my tolerance level will drop to such a low level, and I'll most probably lash out.

I'd like to share a story Ayah told me when I was little:

A father, his son, and their camel were on a journey. Someone came and said to them, "Oh, pity your son. Let him ride the camel. He must be very tired". So, the son rode it until another lad came up and said to them, "Oh, pity your father. Your old father is the one who should be on the camel. He must be exhausted", and the son looked at his father. "What should we do, father?". "Why don't we ride the camel together?", his father proposed. So, they shared the animal until someone came and said, "Oh, pity the camel. Both of you are riding it, how torturing!". So, both of them ended up walking alongside the camel. Then another person came and said, "What are camels for if not for riding".

Finally, the father said to his son, "Do you see, son? No matter what we do, it will never satisfy everyone".

“Sama saja bagi mereka apakah kamu memberi peringatan kepada mereka
ataukah kamu tidak memberi peringatan kepada mereka, mereka tidak akan

And for this, once again, I recall Ayah telling me a few years ago when I cried because a 'friend' back-stabbed me and I finally succumbed to disappointment.

"Siapa cipta manusia?" Ayah asked me.

"Allah", I answered.

"Jadi, siapa yang cipta hati manusia?".


"Haaa, tahu pun, doa itu adalah senjata orang Islam. Doa seikhlas hati minta Allah bukakan hati orang-orang tertentu. Dah, jangan menangis, nak". "Kalau kita tutup keaiban orang, Allah akan tutup keaiban kita. Kalau dicari keaiban orang, mesti akan jumpa. Orang yang terlalu mencari keaiban orang lainlah jenis orang yang rasa diri sentiasa betul".

Iman does not rely ultimately on what you post on your Facebook wall or blog. Iman does not rely ultimately on how you appear superficially. Beriman itu kan harus dengan hati, perkataan, dan perbuatan. Kalau pakaian sudah elok, tetapi bicaranya tidak enak, kan sudah tidak lengkap?

In the end, we have ourselves, Allah, and the guidance Allah gave us to decide on our actions. As long as you are sure that you're on the right track, afraid not. Even if every single soul leaves you, you still have your Creator listening to your every word and intentions, watching your every deed. And for all your sadness, Allah expiates your sins. Wallahua'lam.

I am very thankful that although my parents are strict, they shaped me well into a strong person who is capable of executing my jobs well, even if no one is willing to assist me. Of course, we live in a community and a community is like the framework of a building - we should rely on one and another, but I consider myself a pillar on its foundation. When the rest of it collapses I want to still be able to stand. I want to support others so they can stand strong too even if that means having myself being stepped on. Thank you, Umi and Ayah :) I love you both.

And to close the curtain (LOL), I'd like to quote someone saying, "I will always win in debates, except when the debator is a fool. I can never win that". So let us all be wise people ;)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

For the first time ever, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I'm already a final year student. Yeah, I have that "Nur Zahirah | Pelajar Pergigian 5" name tag pinned on my white coat, but never have I actually thought of it much because all of us started our final year in DDS. With medical postings, so most of the time, we're somewhat off the hook whenever any specialist or medical officer where we're being posted at shoots us with questions (they usually stop halfway when we inform them that we're dental students)... of course, until a specialist who used to teach us during our previous phases comes and stops us in the midst of chickening out, telling everyone, "No, no, no, their medical knowledge is as good as the medical students'. I was one of their examiners during OSCE exam". Still, since we're DENTAL students after all, things'd get significantly stressful when we actually begin our dental clinical session. When we know that little time is left for us to fill our brain with enough knowledge to face the world as a dentist - above all else - a SAFE and responsible dentist.

From left to right: Jiamin, Acap, Jack, Mike, Ziyad, me, and Yiying

Yesterday was my very last time of attending Malam Raya Persatuan Sains Pergigian as an undergraduate student, insya Allah. We received a loud applause, I guess we did a good job after all the hardwork, last minute decision, obstacles, and etc. The most dedicated band members I have ever worked with so far. Tang Jiamin, Asyraf Hamzah, Jack Chan Wah Loong, Michael Teoh Wee Jing, Mohamad Ziyad, and last but not least - my android yang rock - Teh Yi Ying, thank you for giving me such a good memory to keep :') Thank you for everything.

The past week was quite tough. Had so much to do and yet so little energy left as I was down with pharyngitis and food poisoning, but I tried my best whenever I could. Alhamdulillah, praises to Allah, for lending me the energy to complete all those tasks. A responsibility is still a responsibility even if you try to twist things around. As long as you have accepted one, execute it well. Itu ialah amanah yang diberi pada kamu. The first thing I did when I entered my room after everything was tidying up my bedroom. It had been a week and a half since I last changed my bed sheet. Since I have eczema, sleeping on the same bed sheet for more than a week would mean experiencing severe itchiness and rashes. Well, everything is back on its track now. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

the best ones

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for lending me a few people to me that I feel strong enough to face the world.

Teh Yi Ying, my human machine. A very responsible person, who will always execute any task given to her with her best effort - and because of that regardless how busy she gets, she'll always do fine during exams. A person you can count on to accompany you when you feel somewhat sad late at night. Someone you can laugh your heart out even over small little things. The most humble person I've ever met, honestly.

Norhafizah Mohamed, my motherly friend. My most hardworking friend, who even when encountering so many obstacles, she still stands strong - and for her every ATP used, she deserves her excellent results. The very person I can tell my every trouble and insecurity to. The one for whom I won't mind being nagged by Umi just to visit her house during raya. A sensitive but also the most sensible one.

Nur Azizah Abdul Hadi, my most independent friend. This is the very person who will survive even if she gets stranded on an island on her own. A Coolblog addict (but for some reasons, I can't tolerate this drink at all). The one who you can drag to any delicious restaurants, even hawker stalls, and you'd be sure she'll enjoy the food in one way or another. A 'poker face' master - a calm one, except when it comes to a few 'girly stuff' - of which she'd blush helplessly even if her facial expression doesn't say so. Whose ultimate weakness is - ghost stories :D

Man I love these people. Oh how I wish we'd all end up working near each other's clinic/hospital, but ah well. What are highways, aeroplanes, and all sort of communication modalities for?