Saturday, December 29, 2012

wall here and there


I am obliged to answer only to my Creator, my family members, and my four angels above. Apart from them, I basically put up a wall against others. You might observe me telling a lot of things and think, "Hey, she's opening up to me", but if you've met me, I can be pretty talkative and nope, don't assume I'm opening up just because I decided to tell this and that. I can only be my true self with especially my lovelies - Hannah, Kishie, May, and Epa. Trust me, apart from these people, I did not tell a single soul how I am actually feeling, thinking, and my deepest insecurities. Yes, I don't choose who to befriend, but I certainly choose people to whom I really open myself up. I can tell entertaining stories to others, but nope, they're only for listening and entertainment purposes. Personally, it's not high-school. Shit such as they're my bestfriends, I can only hang out with them and no one else is just as shitty as Shin Chan's drawing of a shit. If there's one bad but true thing a colleague had said about me is, "Zahirah plays mind games". Yes, I do and I enjoy it. So, now you know, but don't worry, I'm not misusing it for evil purposes... much. It's just that others' reactions are something so fascinating to watch. It might sound horrible, but you're not necessarily suffering when I'm on it. Reactions can be a lot of things. Sad? Happy? Touched? Every single emotion is special and worth observing. If you're a negative person, you'll think that I'm a manipulative person (sometimes I am). If you're a positive person, you'll understand that I'm just a little more observant than you are (most of the time). On a whole, I'm a pretty good-natured person, but when I decide to be evil, I just can't stop myself from starting yet another mind game. Nevertheless, each one of us has our own circles of friends, but in the end, after a tiring day, all I want is to sit down with them and have a good cup of coffee.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

reassuring them little kids

I was doing an extensive filling on my patient when suddenly my colleague, Zue, came to me, pale-faced. "Z, tolong aku boleh tak? Aku nak buat block pada patient ni tapi aku macam...", she mumbled and I just couldn't say no. I left my patient awhile and went to her dental chair. Her patient was a five-year old boy, super adorable especially with his frightened gasps. According to Zue, he's super scared of dentists. I couldn't comprehend the reason completely because he had all his deciduous teeth in place and no restoration at all. Most probably he heard bad stories about dental visits. Haih... I feel like choking every single screwed up person who spreads such stories, but ah well, we're at fault anyway. If only all of us gave more attention on providing dental treatments with as less pain as possible.

"Siapa budak comel ni? Apa nama adik?", I asked the boy.

He frowned back, tearful.

"Okay, sayang, nama akak Kak Z. Kakak nak tengok sikit gigi comel adik boleh?"

He didn't answer and looked away, still tearful.

"Sayang, Kak Z nak sedut air liur adik. Banyaknyaaa air liur awak ni", I told him and gently put the suction tip on his forearm. He gasped and looked at it. Slowly, he held the suction tip. "Okay, sekarang, adik Mikad letak dalam mulut penyedut ni boleh? Kak Z tak nampaklah dalam mulut awak bila air liur awak banyak. Oooh, ulat banyak niii, Kak Z risau Kak Z tak boleh sedut ulat keluar kalau awak banyak air liur". Zue tried to guide him at inserting the suction tip, but I told her to just let him do it himself until he was assured enough.

To make sure his topical anaesthesia would work fine, I made it a point to dry his mucosa properly. "Kak Z nak tiup sikit gusi awak boleh. Ulat dalam mulut lari kalau kena angin". I blew the triplex syringe on his forearm. He hesitated but allowed me to do it onto his gum when I said, "Ooooh, sejuk kan angin ni? Haa, manade sakit. Kak Z kata dah. Kak Z pun rasa sejuk dengan angin ni". I attempted to apply topical anaesthesia on his gum, but he refused. "Hm... Mikad, Kak Z takde buat Mikad sakit kan? Okay sekarang Kak Z nak letak gula-gula jeli strawberry ni kat gusi Mikad. Takde benda pun". Again, I applied it onto his forearm. "Boleh, sayang?". He slowly nodded. "Pandai sayang Kak Z sorang ni", I complimented him.

I rubbed and patted his shoulder while stealthily take the syringe that was loaded with mepivacaine. "Mikad, sekarang Kak Z nak tidurkan gigi. Tak sakit pun. Semut gigit lagi sakit", and I asked his parents and Zue to hold him still. Then I administered the local anaesthesia. He screamed, but I was sure it wasn't because of the pain because the scream came before I even pricked his gum. "Okay, okay, Mikad, Kak Z dah cucuk dah pun tak sakit kan?", then he continued to cry. He was acting up, obviously. And then I faked a gasp, "AHHH! Ulat keluar, Mikad duduk diam, ulat banyaknya keluar aaaaaa", I screamed, just to play along with his games and he sat still. Then, I loaded the rest of the content without him resisting.

"Gusi gatalllll", which means my local anaesthesia was working. He was anxious to experience the anaesthetic effect. "Shhhhh, Miikad, jangan tekan-tekan gusi. Kak Z nampak gigi tengah nak tidur tu. Mikad suka tak kalau Mikad tidur orang bising-bising lepas tu tolak-tolak Mikad?". He shook his head. "Haa, dah tu, Miikad jangan la kejutkan gigi. Kalau gigi Miikad terbangun dari tidur nanti aaa Miikad rasa tak sedap". And he sat silent and started to calm down. That's when I was completely sure that he didn't actually feel pain. He was stressed and anxious. That's all. I stroke his small cheek and then resumed treating my own patient.

Later, Zue came to me, "Thanks, Z, thanks sangat-sangat. Tadi bila aku tanya dia nak datang dental treatment lagi tak dia kata nak. I learned a lot today". I just want to cure this anxiety towards dental treatments especially among kids. Glad I helped this evening although my own session this morning was screwed up. LOL.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

no pushing

I'm the sort of person who will do whatever I say I'd do. If I had said never to talk to me again in such manner or I shall never forgive you the next time it happens, I mean my every word. If I say I will bring you down, I will try my best to bring you down. I can be the best person you'll have around you and I can be your worst enemy too. So don't try flick my angry mode on. It's not that I'm proud of being such an egomaniac person but I have had enough of others taking advantage on me and treating me according to their convenience. When they're in a bad mood, they blast every shit in my face. Look, I get it, you're stressed. You really think I'm always in a cheerful mode when I'm with every single person? For the love of God, I always try to control myself when it comes to being expressive about certain things because I cherish and care about others' feelings, but I have learned a long time ago that not everyone is willing to give and take and those kind of people aren't worth keeping. So, no, I don't intend to tolerate anyone else's bitchiness (unless it's inevitable). Not beyond this point. 

Nevertheless, if I still respond to your sudden burst of anger, then be glad because I still have enough love to argue in return, but if I became silent and started to smile instead of showing an angry face. That's exactly the moment I had made up my mind that I will eliminate you from my life. So far there hasn't been any turning point when such thing occurs. I simply don't allow it to happen. I may accept your apology but things will never return to how they used to be.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

to give and take isn't something everyone does

Sometimes, although you give all your love to a person as if he is your own younger brother, all you get back is just shit. You get shouted at. You get cussed at. And being the short-tempered person you are, you once blasted him back, but now you cower and decide to just let your tears flow only when you're alone. In the end, you'll be asking yourself, "Is this person really worth your effort? Or is he just using you all these while? What if you serve no purpose to him? Will he still be around entertaining your whines?". This very second, I had decided - it's time to pull yourself away from this so-called brother because he had just showed how little respect he still has for you. In fact, you'd be surprised if there is even a minute amount of respect involved, because you're secretly telling yourself that you're just another object for him to use according to his convenience. I can't forgive you this time.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

the joy : it's the way you look at things (medical and dental jargons ahead)

Nayli and I (pictures and story were published with her mother's consent)

I remember meeting this girl about a year ago for the first time ever. She was the youngest patient I've ever had so far - she was only four. She was scared of dental treatment. I studied hard on how to give painless local anaesthesia (LA). Actually this is bullshit. The current advances we have at the student polyclinic doesn't allow us to give an ultimate painLESS LA, but provided correct techniques being applied, the score pain patients give us may go down to 1 out of 10. That's even better than the bite of a red ant. I studied hard on nerve supplies to make sure I don't mess up during such procedure. Handbook of Local Anaesthesia by Stanley F Malamed was and will always be my best friend. Truth to be told, I was so afraid of inflicting pain on my patients that I began performing root canal treatment only during my fifth year while most of my colleagues had done at least one RCT during their fourth year. 


When I met her, she was having a large abscess around her upper labial sulcus and her upper lip was actually lifted upwards due to this. Had to prescribe her antibiotics a couple of times before I was sure abscess wouldn't be in my way in anaesthesizing her teeth (failure in treating the main cause after fifth day being on antibiotic and the abscess might start to grow rapidly again). Did so many extractions, pulpotomy, crown strips, stainless steel crown (SSC), and a Nance appliance and finally, she learned to smile widely. I love how she calls SSCs as 'gigi robot' (robotic tooth). After completing her treatment plan, yesterday, I met her again, just for a follow up. She had been practising whatever I taught her. "Nayli, gigi bersih ni", bagusnya. "Dia taknak tidur selagi tak gosok gigi sebab dia kata takut hantu datang kejar orang gigi buruk (and so I made up stories)", her mother, Kak Na, said. A year ago, I loved bringing Nayli and her elder sister, Ariesya, to the medical school cafe, because I know that that's the only time Nayli would be eating her veggies (and so Kak Na said). "Kita nak jadi tinggi macam Kak Z", she would smile while wincing from eating bitter veggie. She'd try to take whatever food I took. Her favourite dish was a plate of white rice with a fried chicken and nothing else. When she finished eating, she would sit on my lap and turn to me, asking me to wipe her mouth. I'm not the type of lady who carries a handkerchief or tissue papers around, but whenever I knew I would meet her, I would carry one along. The day I thought I would be finishing my DDS, I received a text from Kak Na saying, "Z, budak-budak ni taknak ke sekolah sebab Kak Z tak nak jumpa diorang". I actually cried. One of the things that pumped me up to resume my studies was meeting them once again.

Yesterday, as usual, while doing medical asepsis (proper hand wash), Nayli ran to me and jumped while clapping "Yay, yay, Kak Z, kita dah sampai, kita dah sampai!", she exclaimed and quickly grabbed my wet hand and led me to her mother. As soon as I brought her to my dental chair, she said, "Kak Z, Nayli seghonok jumpa Kak Z hari ni. Lama tak jumpa Kak Z". As usual, she prefers to be covered with a blanket. When I went away to get her blanket I was surprised to see her standing beside me. "Bakpo Nayli ikut Kak Z?", I asked her. "Nayli takut Kak Z pergi", she answered. She missed me, and so she said. She followed me wherever I went. The thing about my body is I get hot flushes randomly. Not sure why. Nevertheless, she was always grasping my hand so tightly, as if she was afraid I would disappear anytime. When I completed her recall visit and pushed her blanket aside, she looked at me as if she wanted to say something. She's a very quiet girl. She wouldn't talk to you unless she's comfortable with you.

"Kenapa, sayang?".

"Kak Z, nanti kita pergi makan dulu sebelum papa sampai boleh? Lepas tu kita pergi tengok buku okay?", she recalled.

"Alamak, Nayli, papa kata dah nak sampai. Nanti papa marah".

"Kak Z, call la papa. Cakap kat dia. Nanti mesti dia wi", I would call her father if Nayli and her sister insisted on tagging along with me during my lunch break, but unfortunately, it was 4.45pm already and all shops and cafe were closed already. While filling up certain documents, again, she looked at me while twisting her fingers.

"Nayli nak duduk atas peha Kak Z?", I asked. She didn't answer but climbed onto me instead. She was wearing rubber gloves I gave her. "Kak Z, Nayli nak jadi doktor kiki macam Kak Z", and she imitated the way I usually flex my fingers whenever I put my gloves on. I laughed. When her father arrived, I brought her to his car and carried her onto that Triton. "Bye, bye, Nayli. Kalau datang KL oyak la ke Kak Z okay?". "Bye bye, Kak Z! Nayli sayaaaaang Kak Z", she waved, kissed me on the cheek, and started to cry. "Papa, bawalah Kak Z naik kereta". I could only smile and waved back. No words can describe the love I have for this little girl. I always admire the way Kak Na and her husband brought these kids up to be such loving people. 

Yet another meaningful moment in my life.

Monday, December 10, 2012

the prodigy : self motivation

I have this one little girl I treat who I honestly think of as a prodigy. A very bright and talented girl who is afraid of dental treatments. After two visits, I decided to start introducing local anaesthesia (LA) to her. When I told her that today's filling will require LA, her face became pale out of anxiety. I was supposed to do a composite strip crown on her deciduous canine. She had been smiling very shyly because her canine was simply jet black. "Ika, ready ya, akak nak tidurkan gigi dah". 1mm of needle penetration while pushing that Scandonest 2% slowly, she started to push my hand away. "Aaaaa ulat terkeluar", I was forced to lie and she sat still. Then I slowly advanced the needle little by little. "Ok, sayang, dah siap dah cucuk", I patted her shoulder. She looked at me, bewildered. "Eh tak kan dah siap? Kenapa tak sakit? Semut gigit pun lagi sakit". After finishing her strip crown, I asked her whether I can extract her deciduous molar during our next appointment. "Beres, Dr Z oyak ja bila" and smiled happily, knowing LA administration isn't as painful as most people think. "Zahirah, you did a very beautiful restoration. Congratulations", Dr Mon Mon complimented. Real satisfaction is when your patient compliments you, that's what I think. After that, I noticed her smiling widely for no apparent reasons. "Dr Z, gigi kita come. Kan best kalau Kak Z jadi doktor gigi saya sorang. Terima kasih. Bye bye", and she shook my hands. I smiled with satisfaction.

This morning, I saw Prof Zainul rushing towards Prof Sam. Then he came to me and asked me to fill up his friend's son tooth. I did it in a rush since I had only 40minutes and the tooth was broken by half its height. After bidding that kid goodbye, Prof Zainul came back. "Prof Sam cakap awak student year 5 yang boleh harap buat anterior restoration. Saya sendiri tak tahu takat mana awak tampal, good job, Zahirah. Thank you. Really, thank you", he said and waved. Another satisfying case this morning. Actually it was an easy case because that kid already has a denture replacing his 21 and 22. So I just compared the shade guide to the ones on that denture. I was experimenting actually, and I guess it worked. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble now that the sister saw me treating a patient ten minutes beyond office hours. Ahh, whatever. I prioritise my patients.

This evening however, I guess I really worked too hard today, running here and there trying to treat as many patients as I could while maintaining the quality of my work. I was supposed to construct a special tray for my final porcelain-bonded to metal crown patient during this extension. I went to the lab, saw Puan Haslina to follow up my very first two veneer cases which I will be issuing tomorrow, and I shoved my lab coat back into my locker. "I'm too exhausted mentally. I feel like vomiting already", I said to myself, and made my back to my room. The sun was extremely bright this evening. In two hours time, I will be going to Ly Studio to practise for this weekend's performance with my band. 8-10pm. Hopefully I'll have enough strength. Hopefully my brain and body will bear with me. So much focus for so long. All will be fine, insya Allah.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

patients are homo sapiens too

Setiap hari kita (dentists/dental students) nasihat pesakit datang periksa gigi setiap enam bulan. "Saya takut", the response we usually receive. Admit it, even you dentists/dental students are anxious about dental visits too. Year by year we study about stress and anxiety in dentistry and yet most of us decide to do nothing about it. For dental students, they often have this thinking - "Alah, dapat rawatan percuma lagi nak demand lebih-lebih". Have we ever thought of it this way instead - we are being honoured to treat them although they already know that we aren't certified yet? Tray after tray, we shoved into their mouth just because our impressions aren't good enough, still, they smile and say "Budak baru belajar, takpo kito pehe"? Don't those mean anything to you? For those who had never received any restoration, you might not understand the pain and anxiety a person experiences receiving dental treatments, but for us who had, you should act upon this problem to not repeat the same thing our dentist did to us.

The usual answer dental students will give, "Ish, aku tak pandailah nak kasi painless local anaesthesia (LA)". Well start with studying your textbooks properly first. You know very well (to those who still don't know, well a facepalm to you, but at least you know now. Better late than never) that our topical anaesthesia only works 1-2mm superficially, dah tu nak cucuk straight away full length 4mm memanglah orang rasa sakit. If you're working already, I will understand it because of course, you have a long queue of patients waiting for your treatment, but if you have extra time, why not? Sometimes, it's even more disappointing when a number of students refuse to give LA to their patients during deep caries management just because it'll consume their time and when patients become less cooperative during the course of treatment, they complain about it. First thing first,what is LA? It is a form of pharmacological BEHAVIORAL MANAGEMENT. So start loading those syringes and let those patients be at peace.

Personally, I prefer providing less painful dental treatment to my patients. The reason behind this is I had a deep amalgam filling done on my first mandibular molar. During that time, I begged to be given LA because the pain was so intense that I clenched the armrest of that dentist's dental chair so hard that it was torn a little bit. I was teary, but I wasn't fighting back because Umi said to me, "If you fight back, you watch out when we get back". Although my ambition at that time was to become a police officer instead of a dentist, I swore to myself that if it happens that I become a dentist, I will not do the same thing to my patients. It's just cruel and causes more problems in a longer run. Patients refuse to come for regular dental check ups due to this fear and they end up having bad cavities, sometimes they're beyond being restored already and end up getting extracted. I love doing extractions, especially if I leave a neat socket behind, but the idea of extracting them alone is sad. The cost of replacing teeth is always more expensive than maintaining its existence. An implant will simply cost RM6000 in private sector. RM1400 and above for bridges. RM400-500 for dentures. A filling? Max RM200. Taking care of a tooth so that it doesn't decay? A few pennies. Di Kelantan yang besar jumlah pesakit yang datang daripada kumpulan berpendapatan rendah, lagilah. Ada yang sanggup tak bergigi langsung sebab tak ada pitih.

At least... try to win our patients' heart. They are humans just like us. Free treatment or not, we are being given the responsibility to take care of our patients. Be merciful. Have empathy. Books may provide you answers. Lecturers and seniors will guide you. If there's a will there's a way.

Friday, December 7, 2012

noon gloom

Alhamdulillah, this muscle pain around my thighs is reduced to half than initially. I tried to fight back so I went to the dental school yesterday and walked here and there, opted for stairs rather than escalators. Come to think of it... I might've became a health freak, but that's better than being a lazy couch potato.

My noon is rather gloomy today, I'm not sure why. Might be because it's time of the month. Took a nap, hoped it would last for four hours but barely an hour later, here I am, making this entry. I was listening to a playlist I named 'Sad' and I woke up to it feeling yes - rather sad.

"Like how you said would call but never at all"- Decorate cover by Kuizz Shah. I hate being left hanging. I won't bug you with reminders, but I will be annoyed and I shall not make it less obvious. You and your promises, all for nothing. Beautiful words, they're all just a facade to something so empty. Shit, I wonder why I have such friend and most importantly, why am I holding onto this?

I feel like getting a pair of aviators. Ah haa. Tunggu biasiswa masuk. Okay, random.

I need to get a new pair of jeans too. My latest pair was bought about two months ago and they're already loose. It's getting rather annoying to keep pulling them up while I walk. Well now that I can fit in easier, no need to buy Dorothy Perkins clothes anymore. Previously I couldn't fit into clothes normal clothing lines sell, so I had to opt for DP and heck, DP is always so pricey. Just a simple top costs RM100+. Look, I'm not a paid dentist yet and that puts a burden on my shoulders. Well now this problem is eliminated. Yeehaw!

I'm thinking of going for a gig tomorrow at KB, but ahhh, le juniors have their own stuff to do. Might need to just laze around in my room once more especially because it's so hot out there these few days. I don't even feel like driving around much. Monsoon season, Y U NO BE PREDICTABLE THIS TIME?!

Monday, December 3, 2012

a turning point

This entry is to answer so many people's question on how I lost weight.

I was 99.5kg (tersilap tulis before ahuehue) before and currently, I am 65kg, making my total weight loss 35kg, but in truth, I started to become more strict on my diet during the past 6 months. And during the last 3 months, I began practising low calorie diet. My weight loss was slow during the first half of this one year. I began with reducing the portion of my every meal, and yet I stuck with rice. To begin with, I don't have that 'wajib makan nasi' taste bud. So I stuck with noodles instead. During my first 6 months I only lost 10kg (22lbs), which I considered slow since I had large residual weight to lose. The principle is the more weight you have to lose, the faster you should be losing weight once you reduce your calory consumption. So don't expect similar thing to happen if you're just a BMI 24 and below person. During my second 6 months, I began on bread and fish only diet and to be honest, I restrict my calorie consumption to a maximum of 600kcal daily (and my daily need is 2200kcal) which makes it about 23% of my daily need. I never starve myself particularly because I am born with low metabolism. I hardly sweat even after 2 laps of consistent jogging (sadly I had to stop jogging due to knee injury). This bread and fish diet consists of three slices of Gardenia Breakthrough bread (109kcal/2slices) and Ayam Brand light tuna. I also include raw tomatoes and lettuce into this. I spice things up by adding McIlhenny Co Tabasco sauce (very low in calorie but high in sodium content) and McCormick ground black pepper. For lunch it's about the same thing although I sometimes change from tuna to either lean chicken breast (only grilled/boiled/steamed, don't eat the skin or fat part although the former is the best tasting one) or grilled/steamed fish (you may opt for ikan berlauk but do not take the lauk), except that I reduce my bread to two slices instead. For dinner which is at 6pm it's one slice of bread either without any topping or sometimes with tuna again. Once a week I will have my cheat meal (not cheat day) consisting of either a meal at Kenny Roger's Roasters or Secret Recipe. So within 6 months I lost 25kg. Since my height is 165cm, that makes my BMI 23.4 which means I am within ideal range. Nevertheless, I am targetting BMI 21-22. Since my fat is mostly gone, I am now left with somewhat flabby areas, which means I need to tone up my body. For this, I recently began to go to a gym to workout. I have my junior, Ziyad, to help me with this. He's good at his thing, so might as well learn from him.

Currently, I am keeping an eye on my weight. I might need to increase my calorie intake a little bit just to make sure I don't end up being lethargic the whole day for having insufficient energy. My workout is basically a weight loss workout, NOT a bodybuilding one. Weight lifting actually boosts your fat burning rate. So that's what I'm looking forward to. I don't want to have just a thin body which is not toned at all. Well then, for you guys who want to try this, bear in mind - mind control is crucial. Don't give excuses to yourself and say, "Ah, I'll let this one go", because once you do that, you will never achieve your goal because you WILL repeat it again and again. And anything such as roti canai or chapatti or shit like that - they are made with butter and flour - both high calorie. So the choice is in your hands. Don't cheat and come to me complaining about your weight not budging much.

Friday, November 30, 2012

melankoli

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay". I woke up to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's Your Guardian Angel. For reasons I can't completely comprehend, tears started streaming down my temporal area. Losing people I hold dear to my heart isn't something I particularly enjoy. In the same time, this thing is eating me up slowly and I don't want my heart to be damaged beyond repair. I'd rather back off when I know nothing more is possible, knowing the person you are. Please understand, I cherish my every friendship although for certain ones, I put up a solid wall, but friend, I am unsure whether when the time comes, when you're much more willing to let me go, will I be able to do the same without the inevitable heartache? Because you're always pretty selfish and I had been pushing aside my own need when it comes to you. So my principle is easy. The sooner the better.


To another friend, I understand things got ugly between us. I apologised so many times, but bear in mind. Three times is my maximum limit. Beyond that, don't even expect shit from me. I don't care whether you have been listening to that 'witch' because I am beyond that phase already. I don't care whatever that witch says, but surely I expected more from you. At least you had always been the wiser one. And today, you lost me.


I guess it's just from the lack of sleep. I hope tomorrow shall welcome the stronger and better me. And yet, I can't seem to stop these tears from trickling down. Mental-wise, the strength is shaky. I know I have always been playing the 'tough girl' role when I'm around someone, but today, I can't. I... just can't.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

late night thoughts

Unlike my normal days, today, my late night thoughts aren't heavily melancholic. I had a tiring day yesterday and I ended up falling asleep from 7.30pm till 10pm, hence explaining my bat-like sleeping pattern today. Attended a seminar which began at 8 o'clock in the morning till 6.30 o'clock in the evening, but I personally think that it's thoughtful of our lecturers to hold it. True, stress among undergrads are most highly recorded among dental students, but if you ask me, it's all thanks to our habit of procrastinating. The problem is most students cheat themselves, giving excuses simply to justify such ignorant habit, and in the end, they even fail to recognise this issue. During my pre-clinical years, we had seven to eight lectures per day and we don't receive lecture notes for quite a number of them. Still we managed to survive. As far as I'm concerned, newer batches had only four to five lectures per day and still, they grumbled. Year by year, the Ministry of Education has been trying to tackle this rotten learning trend. Everything is spoon-fed. You just memorise whatever the school gives you, vomit everything out during exams, remember nothing afterwards, and later you'll be blaming the school for not teaching you more applicable knowledge. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?! Look, this rotten learning issue has been going on forever and only God knows when it'll finally reach a turning point. Might as well make something positive out of it, right? What if I tell you that every single thing that was taught is actually applicable in real life? It's how you look at things basically. A simple example - dental students learning medical components - of course, it's not our bread and butter, but if you're less ignorant, you might see that one by one, systemic diseases are being related to dental disorders. And the mouth doesn't just come floating in the air without other body parts. And when you work, you feel insulted when your medical colleagues dis you by saying things like, "You know nothing but the teeth right?". Don't take it negatively and worse, accepting it wholly. Read more and show that your knowledge is actually beyond the oral cavity alone. Earn your respect. Don't force the idea into someone's mind. True, it's not like we're going to manage our patient's medical part, but will it not give you more confidence to handle your patients? At least you'll have a much much better idea on his/her condition.

My principle is simple. If you can't run away from something, just do it. You can grumble and share your problems, but don't let yourself be dragged by issues that you know you can't just change or solve. And most importantly, believe that you can be a change agent. Everyone has that potential. It's just the matter of deciding between to actually execute your thoughts or just let things pass without even attempting at changing them. If you can change it, even minutely, then try. If you really can't or aren't strong enough to do that, then stop being a spoilt brat and grumble EXCESSIVELY. You can come to me if you'd like get a kick in the arse and someone shouting, "You're not a freaking twelve year old kid anymore. You're a freaking ADULT!", directly at your ear. Look, I had to extend. Had a huge slap on my ego. I thought that although I scored alright for my papers (I had never failed any paper throughout these five years of studies), finished most of my requirements, others will let go of my attitude problem of skipping classes, failure to be punctual, and etc. It's my fault for being ignorant about that. Of course I was devastated at first and I complained as hell, but I didn't let myself drown in my sadness although it's inevitable to experience random intervals of breakdown once in awhile, but still... things had passed. Might as well make something good out of it. For a start, I had never gotten the chance to construct veneers, so I made it a mission to try doing those and Alhamdulillah, after relentless search, I found one suitable patient! And I'm still trying to improvise my techniques here and there. I even made a drastic decision to apply for a single bedroom although I had a major problem with waking up early. "I should let myself be in such anxious state that it'll get a reboot", I said to myself. I came back three days earlier to make sure that I have enough time to become more anxious gradually, hence, forcing myself to actually reboot its sleeping pattern. Then there's the old obese me. When others insulted me for my physical appearance, it'd be stupid to say that I didn't feel anything. Of course I felt sad and my metabolism is somewhat low. When I had to extend, I thought that I should really change myself.  Discipline. Be more disciplined. And to undergo a healthier diet also requires discipline. "Here goes, Zahirah. No more feeling sorry for whatever that has happened", I told myself. And up to date, within six months, Alhamdulillah, I already shed 24kg off my previous self and I'm within my ideal weight range (in comparison to my height). I had dumb leeches parasiting on me. Again. Discipline. "Here goes, Zahirah. No more feeling sorry for others", I forced myself. And I ditched them damn leeches. So basically I've been through shit. Some things, I don't even dare to write them here, but do I just feel sorry for myself? If I do that, I'd be down with depression once again, for the third time in my life. So no such shit anymore. Not for me.


If you don't want to change yourself and just expect everything to go your way, then why bother complaining?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Kelantan roads

With my nephew, Ikhlas

It has been barely a week since I left home for Kelate (once again) and I'm already missing my nephew, Ikhlas, so badly. Anyway, Along came to Kelantan to get his teeth fixed by me apart from bringing his wife, Kak Sue, for some shopping here. Of course, two sessions aren't enough to fix everything, but I'm pretty glad I finished critical parts of his treatment. Ayah, Along, and I all love to speed when we drive. So while Along and I drove to Kota Bharu to pick up his stuff and Kak Sue before embarking to the airport, we were so frustrated getting trapped in traffic jams. 

Now, let me tell you what's wrong with the traffic here in Kelantan. People here love to procrastinate, be it their job and even on the road. When the traffic light goes green, they'd hesitate at just changing that fucking gear to D or gear 1/2, most probably because drivers from the other part usually go against red lights. So they sort of tolerate each other's error. I can't really blame them for disobeying the red light, because honestly, there are just too many fucking traffic lights and crossroads here. And why the fuck do I have to wait four freaking minutes at a traffic light at 1 o'clock in the freaking morning? Don't you customise your traffic lights? The reason is they don't have many flyovers that you can even count those using only one hand. True, two are in construction, but for fuck's sake, why the hell are those taking such a long time to be finished? Huge stone in the river and yaddah yaddah, they give you all sorts of excuse when those should've been foreseen by an engineer. Planning is something Kelantaneses are weak in. Just look at layouts of towns here. Roads are poorly constructed and maintained. There isn't even any arterial highway here. You only get parallel major roads here which at most will have two lanes per way. And I'm not sure what is exactly wrong with their finger that it's so so so tough for them to use the signalling light. Even if they use it, ie right signal, surprise surprise, fuckers, they're turning left instead. Dafuq?!

The dumbest thing in my opinion is having two shopping complexes constructed in front of a tertiary hospital. I once saw an ambulance rushing to HUSM through an opposite lane and drivers were panicking and swerved left and right just to avoid it. I can't blame the ambulance driver. Patients have a high chance of just dying in an ambulance because that thing always get trapped in this timeless congestion in front of HUSM. If I were the patient who's in an ambulance, trying to make my way to HUSM, I might as well just write my will before the ambulance arrives already. To make things worse, most people don't even give a shit when there's an ambulance. Its driver may honk as much as he wants, change between four different sounds of honk and people will just glance at it and give no shit. Why the fuck are you people doing this? Be civilised, for God's sake. I witnessed civillians even racing with ambulances a few times here. Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy????!! When it comes to getting their work done, still, they tend to procrastinate. They give you so many promises and they sure are good at breaking it. There are a few... very few of them that are actually pretty efficient when it comes to working but the rest - hands down, I gave up a long time ago.

So, dear Kelantaneses, I can't give less shit than I already do, if you feel angry when you read this, because you, sirs and madams, have a major attitude problem. Stop procrastinating. You're already so developed to still going slow-mo at every damn thing. You may call me 'budak berlagak KL' (fyi, I'm not from KL. I'm from Subang Jaya - PROUDLY!), but you're worse than me if you can't even recognise your problems.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

if i want it

Remember this case? Well tomorrow I'm going to review the denture I made him. I called him a few days ago. "Gano gigi batu En ***? Cabut ko waktu make beradab?", I laughed. "Doppp doppp, yo kukuh molek. Ore rumoh kito oyak come gigi lo ni. Supo artih", he replied. Well I'm glad his marriage reception went well and he said he was so confident with his smile now that he no longer mumbles when talking nor does he hide his teeth.

Today I had a humble patient on whom I shall put veneers. I am ecstatic. Finally, a new lesson to be learned during this extension. I am actually getting bored as I've been doing the same old things I did last session. It came to a point where I actually started to just shove in special trays into my patient's mouth for secondary impression for the construction of crowns and put a few pieces of gauze in and ask them to bite themselves after I had done soft tissue moulding. The thing is, polyvinyl siloxane takes about 4-5minutes to fully set and I'm don't have the patience to put my fingers in my patient's mouth that long. Besides, I construct my own special trays so I made it in such way that the handle is situated much more labially so that they don't tilt when patients bite on them. That's what I call as misapplication of knowledge.

 For some reasons, my initial interest towards oral surgery is fading. I somehow enjoy making dentures, crowns, bridges more. Perhaps I should consider taking up prosthodontics in the future. The satisfaction of seeing a patient having a nicer smile is... beyond words. I love both lab and clinical works too. I actually said to myself, "If I am able to finish this lad's denture within a week, I might be more inclined to prosthodontics", and yes, I did finish it within a week and these dentures still look good. Looking forward to learn more on these stuff :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

irrational

When I looked back at things, I realised that it's all my fault that it happened. One thing to bear in mind - if I could literally drill it into my head, I would, really, I would - is people take advantage on your weakness. Honesty can be both strength and weakness. In the end, we can never control or know how people will react to anything we tell them. Yes, I had another episode of breaking down yesterday and I had to tell it to someone to calm myself down. So that I could fall asleep. I might still have some unresolved issues with anxiety. He called me at midnight and I had to listen to his lecture till my eyes started to become droopy and my heartbeat reduced as it calmed down. He was angry, he obviously was angry, but in the end, he's right. I shouldn't have taken certain things lightly because sometimes my strength and alertness aren't enough to push someone away and my openness might be misunderstood. It ended with a gentle goodnight wish. A mutual understanding. Just as it always is between us. Something that others might not comprehend. At least we fully understand the situation both of us are in and we don't cross each other's line. Thanks for being there for me, pal. At least it's off my chest now.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

hamburger

Self control. Have a grip over yourself, Zahirah.

You're like a hamburger to me. If I eat you up, I'll end up with clogged arteries, but at times, I'd have the craving.

An impulse. Just an impulse.

I would have a bite off you. I would close my eyes when I do so, just to taste every bit of that single bite, because I know that I shouldn't go more than that and I'll have to let you go pretty soon.

You have veggie in you, to justify the whole purpose of your existence. "At least there's vitamin in this", I'd say to myself. And I would cheat myself and tell that this might be righteous.

At times, my self-control would be shaken and I'd really like to finish you up, not leaving even breadcrumbs, but no, I will never let myself do such thing because I might end up with regret.

Regret from having such cannibal-like instinct. I might even vomit you out like a bulimic person while I'm filled with self-loathing.

But in the end, this low carb high protein diet I undergo always require a cheat meal and for that I will seek you, hamburger.

Because I know that you will always be there, in a fast food restaurant, waiting to be ordered.

Once in awhile.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

a dose of lameness

I'm just going to write random stuff that some people do which I find annoying.

You know how some guys misinterpret that you're attracted to them and they come to you talking in a tone which I can only describe as an attempt to speak while the vocal cord is partially closed and the throat is constricted. Just to rub some salt on the wound, they'd smile to you in a perverted way, stretching corners of their mouth as if that's the sexiest shit you've ever seen when they just looked like toads. Well, no, that's not attractive and just because I'm friendly with you, doesn't mean I am attracted to you. The truth is, I spend most of my life with guys - my brothers, father, and guy friends. Now I'm not gonna bitch around and say that it's for less drama because whether you like it or not, ladies, you do need your own species to share certain things with.

I remember telling a lad this, "Dude, I think you have some problem with your body odour", personally because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of others. Apparently, he didn't take it well and retaliated, "My girlfriends love this. You are the one who's problematic!". Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I'm not your girlfriend and I am not attracted to you... AT ALL. Second, I think you have girlfriends who were too afraid of being truthful to you because you're way too defensive and I secretly think you have a form of personality disorder.

"Your friends are all bitches and such cheapskates. They even talk like American dumb blondes", this lad commented on my girlfriends. Whoa, whoa there, watch it! You, of all the people have no right to say that because you don't even pay for my fuel after I had spent so much on that driving you here and there. You wouldn't even share paying it when I told you that I can drive you to a cinema that's more than a hundred kilometers away. "It's not worth it, right, to spend RM60 just to watch a movie?", you said to me right when I told you that we're gonna share the travelling expenses and you're getting RM6000+ monthly for your salary. You really thought that I would pay for everything just because you asked for it? Bitch please, I'm not dumb and I don't buy friendships - certainly not a worthless one like this. And for your information, my girlfriends and I, we have class and as far as I'm concerned, they all speak good English unlike you who won't even admit that you have certain... ascent. LOL.

"Hey, can you check my teeth? I just want to have it whitened and you'll get to claim your requirement", who the fuck do you think you are to simply come to my dental chair and demand such things? Have some manners and ask me before doing something rash. I might be your friend but I'm surely not your slave and once I suspect being used, I'll always start behaving like a bitch. Perhaps you don't notice, but I can be pretty cunning to achieve my purposes. And yes, I always assess a person - are you much more of a liability rather than the opposite? If you're much more of a liability, I will gladly drop you out of the equation. There are certain people, mostly my childhood friends, and a very few people I knew here that I'd give my all no matter what happens because they deserve my loyalty, but new ones? Na-uh, I don't think so.

Thinking of it again... why did I bear with them in the first place? Well of course, people around us are great teachers without them realising it. And I learned that there are so many faggots and psychos out there. They might have impressive certificates, but that doesn't mean they have a sound mind. "These people they just love to jump at making conclusions and sometimes those don't even make sense, so please, please limit the things you tell them. You know you're awesome enough", I recall a dear friend telling me.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

ssim


I am missing these girls so badly. There's a space in my heart that is specially reserved for them and seeing them during break would just fill it up and put it at ease. Let me behave like a spoilt brat for once... or maybe twice. I want to go back and do things I can only do when they are around and laugh about silly stuff most people here won't even find funny. "Gedik", that might be others' first impression if strangers see us. Perhaps we do get pretty loud at times, but honestly, do we really care about others? 8th November 2012, I can't wait till this day arrives. So long, USM, for awhile. So long fake smile, for awhile.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

effort paying off



Do ignore my retarded facial expressions. So anyway, the picture on your left was taken about a year ago and the other one was taken recently. Alhamdulillah, I managed to shed off 20kg. There were a few factors contributing to this. First was the left knee injury I sustained from playing futsal plus my obesity, I was advised by a doctor to start reducing my weight or I might need to depend on medications soon. Second was my six-month extension. It was the biggest shock I have ever had so far in my life. Starved myself for four days, almost nil by mouth actually and by the time I started to regain my appetite, I couldn't eat as much as I did. Third was my refusal to be the first in my family to be diagnosed with hypertension or heart disease due to hyperlipidaemia (high blood lipid). The way my father eats, I secretly felt ashamed of myself. "Why am I such a pig?", I asked myself.

Initially I lessened the portion of each meal I consumed and yes, my weight started to reduce until it reached a plateau. I was initially grade I obese. And that only kicked my BMI down to overweight range. Then, I started to completely eliminate rice from my diet. That thing is so packed with calories. I started consuming pastas and noodles instead. Again, my BMI started to reduce, but it was still within overweight range. Apparently, I have a somewhat retarded metabolism. I don't even sweat after two laps of jogging and yes, I jogged consistently, four to five times weekly for two years straight. I started swimming (unfortunately my schedule is too hectic these days that I had to excuse myself from this as well as the swimming pool is closed at 7pm). My weight was static again, but I noticed my waist circumference reducing which means I was most probably losing fat and toning instead.

It took me one night of serious thinking to decide to change my lifestyle somewhat drastically. I worked really hard to reset my bedtime. I used to sleep at 2-3am and that is the exact time this tummy demands for food. "Why can others sleep before 1am and wake up early, while I can't? Surely I am actually able to do the same", I thought. Why did I sleep so late actually? I was busy sacrificing my sleeping time going out with people I didn't even enjoy being with. Elimination. I had to decide. I had to eliminate them because they didn't give me a way out. Alhamdulillah, it worked out. I started to go on a low carb high protein diet consisting of mainly fish and wholemeal bread and I give myself a break once weekly. Some people call it the 'cheat day', but my cheat day really is just Kenny Roger's quarter meal roasted chicken - the only deviation from my diet. Finally, I reached ideal BMI. Frankly, it's somewhat rocky because I'm actually near the borderline between overweight and ideal BMI. So I'm looking forward to lose another 4kg or so just to comfortably be in the ideal range. Although many thought that I am on some... I don't know... slimming products..? Nope. True, those might work too, but I don't want to be dependent on something like that. Personally, if I can work it on my own without the aid of certain things, I'd rather work my arse off then. Don't I get bored of this diet? Well did I get bored of eating food packed with calories? Vice versa.

Whatever it is, I noticed that fat from the upper body is going away much more obvious than my lower body. Sigh, thighs and arse, Y U NO DO ME JUSTICE?! Perhaps I should start working out if I want to tone those areas. One day, legs. One day.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

semalam

7.00pm, my hands were trembling, my knees felt weak, my legs were shaking, my superficial veins seemed like they were about to break through my skin. I looked at my palms, my skin was peeling off due to repeated usage of hand soaps and powdered latex gloves during the past couple of weeks. Sore. My shoulders were aching. As I arrived in my room, I fell onto my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. Went for shower and I crouched down. With all the water raining on me, I didn't notice my eyes welling up until later. Went back to my room and lied on the bed. "What have you got yourself into, Zahirah? You're not a superwoman", I was having a monologue. My eyes felt tired but they refused to just shut themselves and fall asleep. Again, my tears gently trickled down my cheeks. "Exhausted. I need to escape this lifestyle. It is too hectic and I don't have time for myself", my brain complained. I couldn't study because I haven't taken a break for so long that again, the brain refused to accept anything anymore. I need strength. I desperately need strength and a shoulder to cry on.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

love hate

This morning, I was really at the brink of my patience. Had a patient who gave me so many problems. I was wondering the reasons master students referred him back to KRK (Klinik Rawatan Keluarga) and KRK refused to treat him too. He challenged me, made rude remarks, and when I started to talk in more serious tone, he'd give me compliments. I understand this kind of patients too well, but little did I know that I almost cried this morning. I had to take five to calm myself down and punched a wall out of anger. Now that's a patient who doesn't appreciate free treatment USM provide him nor does he appreciate his operator's effort. "Ikhlas, Zahirah, ikhlas. Dia pernah ajar kau dulu", I whispered to myself silently, sending prayers to Allah asking for strength and patience.

I am actually working my arse off for another patient who is very cooperative. He is from lower socioeconomic group. Requested for filling on his upper front teeth and ended up getting more than half of his teeth extracted. He didn't know how to brush his teeth nor did he know how damaging carbonated drinks can be without proper oral hygiene care. Why did I give my all for his case? It's because he's getting married this November and I can't let si raja sehari experience his marriage with such sad dentition. Had only a month and more than ten tooth fillings needed to be done. I opened up Sturdevant's Art and Science of Operative Dentistry to study what's best for him. Prepared myself as much as possible in case I get sparred by my lecturers when I fill his teeth up - in which case if I couldn't answer any, my procedures would be hindered. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly with just minor glitches I managed fine. Now, I already began constructing his denture, hoping he could smile widely, ear to ear, during his marriage reception. At that time, I will be glad because I know I have contributed a little. Nevertheless, how much energy can a person have at a time? I accidentally fell asleep this evening while doing labworks for his denture and I was melting a wax at that particular time. My rubber glove was aflame and I woke up. Had to decide to go back to my room because I knew I'd collapse any time. True. The moment I reached my room I fell down. My knees just gave away themselves. Once I am into my work, I'd forget my meals and keep myself energised. A few minutes later I recovered and sat in front of this laptop to write this entry. I got myself a can of isotonic drink hoping that'd supply me enough strength to stay conscious. Alhamdulillah, my metabolism is somewhat low that I don't need to eat much or get hungry easily.

All these while, I had been thinking.. those lab-works which I had been doing myself rather than passing them to my dental technologists... when will they start to come in handy. Today, I grasped its significance. I have a love hate relationship with dentistry. At times, I'd cry because of it. At times, I'd feel grateful and be in bliss for the things I am able to do in this field. In the end, I always know that I am deeply in love with my job.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

grimy

I am trying to hold myself back so hard from posting 'memos' on the toilet wall. I am just so sick of that horrendous stink coming from improperly flushed toilet bowls and clogged sinks. Sigh, ladies, you will one day become someone's wife. If you can't take care of university properties, how on earth can you take care of yourself, and even someone else's life? Things started to bug my nerves when I woke up at 3.30 o'clock in the morning to their shrieks and laughter. Honestly, people? Seriously?! I don't fall asleep easily, nor do I wake up easily. It took me at least one and a half hour to fall back to sleep and I had to treat my patients with dark circles and super prominent eye bags (not to say that I don't have them normally) for the whole day. Kids, Y U NO MANNERS?!

Anyway, yay, I'm coming home, coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home. Ayah booked me flight tickets on 8th and 17th Nov, but eh, I'm going to miss my general dental practice (GDP) session on Thursday. Dear Dean, I can't really reschedule my flight because that'll cost my parents a lot of money and no, I didn't book them myself. My father did. Hee hee, sorry, I really don't skip classes anymore and I'm fixing my attitude problems as much as I can, but please, pretty please let me skip this one class. Perhaps I will write a formal letter to him tomorrow to appeal for a leave on that day. Yes, I should do that.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

sandwiched

What goes around comes around. I'm carefully placing the pieces of my chess to strike back. Don't force me to do it. I am just exhausted from fighting back that I chose to stay dormant. Nevertheless, one more move is enough to return to my hateful self. Honestly, you asked me to perform root planing on a controlled generalised chronic periodontitis patient? You're not even a periodontist, for God's sake. Still, I shall keep my eye on your next move. 

Look, I let whatever that had happened in the past go, and I forgave you for your every manipulative act and false accusations. Hopefully you can one day see that my patience has its limit too. I may not be able to hold myself back from reporting you if you push me further. So, man, don't play with fire. I can be a good friend to you, but I can easily turn into a fiend as well. Frankly, I'm already halfway through this transformation. It's just a matter of time for me to become a total bitch. For your information, whatever that's mine isn't for you to play around with or touch. Just because I am like this doesn't mean I'm interested in wrongful things. And you disgust the hell out of me.

Be professional. If you can't respect me or my colleagues, at least respect this field you're in.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

bitch please day


To those who still aren't aware of this meme, please do google it up yourself.

Well anyway, my day today is somewhat screwed up, not sure why. Darn, I'd be lying to say such thing, actually, I'm pretty sure its reasons, but you know what some said? Ignorance is bliss sometimes. So yeah, I'm going to have a 'bitch please' attitude today. Rather than pondering my misery, I'd rather sleep, get recharged and enjoy these few hours left of today.

Anyhoo, today, while assisting Dr Shawal, I noticed my pants being tugged. It turned out that the oral surgeon in charge, Dr Ramizu, was putting on my earphones which were dangling from my pockets and being the genius I am, I forgot to turn off my media player. The playlist that was on was 'St Anger', cliche much? And that contained all my metal songs - yes, I prefer to start my day with those. It grants me some sort of detachment from the ambiance this university has. "Eh, you guys, dia dengar lagu metal. EH! Ni thrash metal ni (sorry I'm a noob at grouping songs into genres, so I'm not quite sure what thrash metal is and I'm not quite interested in knowing more about it). You... you dengar lagu macam ni? Tak kena dengan muka", he said. Although his reaction was amusing, still... dafuq?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the silver lining is now appreciable

I remember our only endodontist, Dr Huwaina, coming to my dental cubicle and patted me on the shoulder saying, "Zahirah, be patient, there are reasons Allah made your journey this rough. Allah doesn't test you beyond your limits. There is a silver lining somewhere somehow and the more precious you are in Allah's eye, the more Allah shall test you", when she saw me frowning. There were so many things bugging my mind at that moment. I was waiting for something that I knew would never happen. I was anticipating changes in people who were as stubborn as a mule. I was being too kind that I was taken advantage on, repeatedly. I was always blaming myself for every single thing that went against or beyond my expectation. One weekend. One weekend was all it took for me to change my mindset. If I really want to be happy, stop depending on others to gain that. Avoid those who are too much of a liability. If necessary, break the friendship when avoiding isn't possible because you know what... in the end, it's how we think of ourselves that matters.

Of course, the people and events around us are great teachers. Others don't always return your kindness. I learned that the hard way, but those who do, keep them by your side. Don't always prioritise others over yourself. So I'm taking better care of myself, physically and emotionally, now. Happiness, I am here to embrace you. This time, for real.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

a blessing


Praises to Allah, Wani was blessed with a baby boy yesterday. His name is Ikhlas, a simple name. If I'm blessed with a baby one day, I'd give the baby a simple name too just like my father and my elder sister did. And now I can't stop thinking about my very first nephew and I want to come home desperately because Wani's bringing him back to our Nilai home tomorrow. Congratulations, dear sister.

On the other hand, although I am emotionally ecstatic, physically I am somewhat worn out. Today I'm down with pharyngitis with lymphadenitis, not to mention an insect bite on my upper lip. "Kena cium dengan lipas awak ni", the general practitioner in HUSM told me when I sought for treatment this morning. "Tapi saya tingkat tiga", and she just laughed saying that that's where the roaches are. I guess the sky is the limit when it comes to roaches. I'm supposed to be on a leave today as the doctor advised, but I hadn't seen Anisah for quite some time and she's coming to the clinic today :)

I just noticed that I hadn't posted anything for quite some time, but this beautiful news is more than enough to make me resume blogging once again.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

bukan kita

I'm not sure whether the infamous Innocence of Muslims video on Youtube was solely about making fun of our Prophet (peace be upon him). If it's intended to bring the worse out of us, muslims, I think they are doing quite a good job. When I saw videos of riots involving muslims all around the world - Jakarta, Pakistan, and etc., all that was evident is how violent a number of us are and how narrow-minded they were. True, we can't let such blasphemy go just like that, but no, unnecessary violence isn't something Islam teaches us. There are reasons Umar Al-Khattab was no longer the hot-tempered person he used to be before he embraced Islam.

During such riots, was there any guarantee no one would get hurt? What do you get from such chaos? The world fearing us? What kind of respect can be bought through fear of violence? Do you feel proud when non-muslims start to broadcast their apology for what a minority of them did? For a start, pride is and has never been our right to own. Keep up with the world, and don't act so barbaric thinking everything can be solved with violence. There are reasons people fight for education. One of them is so that you can get educated enough and learn that there are many other more diplomatic and chaos-free moves which can help in bringing the video down.

Come on, anyone with a right mind will not fully believe such video. It's our responsibility to educate the world on the real truth regarding our Prophet (peace be upon him). We can start by practising the Prophet's sunnah and showing our wisdom, but unless being harmed, we have no right to resort to violence in relation to this matter. Furthermore, how many of us, muslims, really study on our Prophet (peace be upon him)? Ask this question to yourself first before overreacting and further propagating Islamophobia. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

getar

I initially wanted to write something about today's family BBQ, but a picture caught my eyes and reminded me of something. Only three days left till the day my tears will be shed continuously again. Hari konvokesyen kawan-kawan sebatch saya.

I know that it's selfish and ungrateful of me to feel this way. Yes, I am happy for them sincerely. Nevertheless, I feel sad myself for the situation I'm in and this negative feeling seems to be stronger. Please don't say words that you think might make me feel happier miraculously. Honestly, I'm starting to see the brighter side of this extension, but I have my down moments occasionally. Please grant me this freedom at least. At this moment, all I hope is for a good listener. I made a promise to myself not to splurge all my problems to any soul ever again because that makes me more bearable - grasped this fact some time ago. In the end, all that's left is this blog. I hope I don't need to refrain much here too. I am very much self-centered here, but please bear in mind - if you do not like whatever that's written here, please cease from reading it. I can't give less shit if you just click that little red box on the upper-right corner of your monitor. 

Sigh... I need more strength to face this. I am not asking for everything to be easier for me. I am just asking for more strength so that I don't have to face everyone with puffy eyes. At times like this, I wish I had never known any social networking site. I don't think I can bear looking at those pictures. 

"Sudahlah, Zahirah, benda dah lepas. Kau tak sudah-sudah cakap pasal benda sama. Dah kena extend, extend je lah", some of you might have this thought in your mind reading this. Sigh... even I am having the same thought.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

orang sains

Left to right: Me, Kishie, Hannah, May, and Epa

It sure is good to be home. My cousins, Lutfi, Ashraf, and Khaidir are home for tomorrow's BBQ. With the boys here, the house feels livelier. Last night, I got to meet the girls at Hannah's BBQ. Two BBQs in a row, habislah buncit habis, but ah well, I don't get to indulge myself with all these in Kelantan. Might as well enjoy it while I can :) Hung out with my childhood pal, Azizi, afterwards. With this, I declare my day optimally spent :)) Double smileys!

Having said that, the conversation I had with Azizi made me think of one thing. Saya orang sains, cakapnya tak pandai berkias. I'm a person who makes my points straight and expect similar things in return. When others beat around the bushes, I rarely comprehend messages they try to convey and often misinterpret them. Even when it comes to shopping, I have certain shops that I am very much familiar with and I don't shop at other shops. The very moment I enter them, I'd start scanning for 10 minutes or less and if nothing grabs my eyes, I'd just exit them and give up. I don't even try on stuff which I most probably won't buy. It's like this even when it comes to studying. I don't turn on my laptop or chit chat when I study. It's either study or just close the books and do other things. I can't even stand chic flicks or philosophical novels. I'd mumble to myself, "Can't you just say things straight, damn it!", whenever I do so. To say that I am very rigid, that's extreme. I'd prefer describe myself as a simple and practical person. Come to think of it, I'm glad them girls don't do that - beating around the bushes. Or else, I'd just run away and save myself from all the confusion.

Being in the safe zone seem to be a bad habit of mine, I guess, and some might see me as being clingy. I've just... had enough of getting hurt and causing damage on others. Besides, I'm too old for dramas. Haha!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

bang! bang! die, you, mercy + Double Tree, Kota Bharu

Today marks my very first time terminating a patient from my list partly due to personal reasons. If there's anything that this extension really changed me, that will be putting a limit to being kind. I remember this lad answering me when I asked him the reason he called for my help after lunch break (during which I obviously had a patient sitting in the waiting lounge) to bring him to a bank, of all the people, "Because I knew that you'd never say 'no'".. He thought it was funny and he was grinning, but I really thought that as insulting and how selfish it was of him to put aside my own clinics, knowing that it'll affect my curriculum, for something he could've done on his own. That day onwards, my impression on him changed. I guess all the anger just added up and chose this noon to turn into an explosion of negative emotions. Sorry, but your reverse psychology shit will not work anymore. And to make everything seem my fault repeatedly. Well, fuck that! You have just flicked on my hot-tempered self which I shut down successfully for the past six years. I honestly, sincerely, most essentially clueless on the reason I bore with this over-demanding jack ass and felt worthless myself. Silap masa lah lu, bro, time gua masih berapi sebab kena extend lu nak buat hal kan? Memang gua kasi balas baik punya. Lu membosankan la, tolonglah faham, tak hingin gua nak tengok muka lu lagi. Jangan nak perasan lu punya badan lawa ke apa, lu boleh masuk bakul dan kasi gua tendang masuk longkang.

Nevertheless, I soon felt guilty because although I had my own professional verdict, I did have some bias. So I decided to ring my friend, Dr George. "Look, I know these people very well. You have to put your shoe down and be firm. Because I know you're too sweet to do that, but they'll just take advantage of you and it's your right to refuse these people as your patient", he assured me. A flick of finger, a smile was on my face. "I did the right thing although it's somewhat cruel". Can't remember when I last felt this way - to actually put myself over others. To choose 'Zahirah' rather than 'what if he/she feels this and that way?'.

Change of topic.


So anyway, I discovered a new restaurant - Double Tree which is located on Jalan Kebun Sultan (near the famous Keng Som). It's supposed to specialise in Italian, Japanese, and Thai cuisine. So I decided to give it a try along with Ziyad and Acap (yay, they're back in Kelantan!). The portion was between medium to large and we particularly loved our Double Tree pizza. Its size was slightly larger than Pizza Hut's large pan pizza and they sure were generous with mozzarella cheese. The best part was it's only RM22! Omnomnom! What a deal.

My spaghetti alla posillipo :)

As usual, I'm a pasta-freak so I ordered myself spaghetti alla posillipo. It wasn't too creamy which is why I loved it and the portion was quite large too for a RM16 meal. Ziyad had chicken chop which was somewhat salty while Acap had lamb chop which was painfully uh... tough? I guess they shouldn't have cooked it too long, ah but who am I - a person who dislikes mutton and beef - to say such thing. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

unexpected strength


While I was unpacking my stuff after moving into my new room, I found this little guy - a miniature of the first mandibular molar tooth which I carved out of a chunk of wax four years ago (it was an assignment). I smiled. Alhamdulillah, I already coped with everything and adjusted myself to this new environment - same old clinics, new staff nurses, new patients, my new room which is located on the third floor of DM1, my lecturers' shocked expression at seeing me in the university, and so many more.

The first tutor I saw as I entered the dental school building was Dr Manal. "MasyaAllah, I've been wanting to call you. I even got your number from your colleague, but I was worried you were too sad to talk about it. I thought that you don't deserve this. 'She's so active in clinics', I said to the others", she said while patting me on my arm. "Don't worry, Dr Manal, I'm not going to put this to waste. I'm looking forward to try many new techniques that I had learned from textbooks all these while", I smiled at her. I'm really fond of her. She doesn't discriminate students based on their ability to suck up to lecturers' arse. Having to say this, personally, I don't like doing that. To me, of course, you have to be diplomatic, but the quality of your work is much more important. And I love intelligent arguments, but somehow, some people prefer lashing back and take things emotionally. Some might even think of you as a stuck up person - a third world mentality.

The past three days had been somewhat tiring as I had to move so much of my stuff (I ended throwing away a quarter of them) all the way from the first floor to the third floor and since I plan to finish my requirements early rather than panicking later as I did previously, I took in many patients. Many more than I did during my first few weeks of fifth year a year ago. Nevertheless, this time I decided to rearrange my life, my daily routine that hopefully will result in a less stressful time. Alhamdulillah, today, things started to show positive result. Pumped up for days to come :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

time to become a big girl

23rd August marks my birthday. After five years of studying in USM, never once did I get to celebrate it with my Subang friends and this year was the first. Went to Empire to get a bag and undies as my flight back to Kelantan was scheduled to be on the next day. I texted Hakam (who till now hasn't introduced his girlfriend to me. Kedekut!) and Hannah.


Had my daily dosage of caffeine at Starbucks and met Melissa there. She's flying to London next month. All the best, girl!

Later that day, we headed to Italiannies, Subang Empire, and these lovelies celebrated my birthday.

Left to right: May, Epa, me, Kishie, and Hannah 


I was surprised with a pavlova, but the waiters made me do stupid stuff beforehand. I was asked to stand on a chair - during which I was terribly worried that it'd just fall apart from sustaining my full weight haha! And I even had to blow candles from far away and I was worried I'd start making my own mini rain of saliva and spray it on Hannah and Awie. Epa paid for everything, aaaa, thank you, my personal pharmacist! Epa, May, Hannah, Kishie, and Awie, thank you for everything. The best one so far, period. My chest was heavy as I hugged the girls. I wanted to cry, but I knew it's better not to make things worse.


Change of topic.


24th Aug 2012. This day has arrived - time to fly back to Kelantan. I am not going to lie, it's something that I didn't look forward to at all. Was Whatsapp conferencing with the girls till 4 o'clock in the morning - I didn't want to put the few hours left at home to waste. I didn't even sleep voluntarily. By the time I woke up to pack up my stuff at 6 o'clock, I was holding my handphone and lying in the living hall. The TV was left on, perhaps I was afraid of feeling lonely. My luggage was ready, took a good half an hour of cold shower (warm water aggravates my eczema), and I sat silently for awhile after that. "Goodbye, home", I said to myself silently and I walked towards Along's car and left for the airport. Got myself King William Chocolate at Boost - one of my favourite drinks. I didn't want to think much, so I slept during the whole flight to Kelantan.

*DUNNN!* Another bumpy landing performed by an AirAsia pilot. "Ah!!!!", I exclaimed, as my neck flexed forcefully. Two passengers sitting beside me looked at me concernedly. "Are you, okay?", one of the guys asked. I just nodded. I wish I could say to them, "This is nothing compared to what I'm feeling now". Took a cab to the university. Crap, it was so hot. Musim kemarau. I usually fall sick during such season. My immunity is puny liddat :P

As soon as I reached USM, I called Jijah - one of my close friends in Kelantan. I promised her a treat. She really helped managing so many stuff I left undone a month ago. Thank you, Jijah :) I entered my old room. This is it, huh? It's for real now. I must be strong and go through these six months to come.

I received a few messages wishing me all the best for this extension. Thank you, people. I shall try my best. I... must be strong. A cyber pal, Zakk, and my good friend, Yiying, gave me a mini lecture on how bad self-injurious act is. Yeah, I shall bear in mind those advices. I'll try my best to be happy. I shall cherish everything that I still have. For a start, I had eliminated people who are too much of a liability to me. Those who had been taking advantage on me. Those who had caused me pain much more than happiness. I'm done with being used.

It's raining now. Alhamdulillah.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Kampong Semaloi, Muar, dan Johor Bharu


From left to right: Syafiq, Wani, Ayah, Umi, me, Along, Kak Sue


Ah well, my break is really coming to its end soon. My flight back will be at 10.20am on 24th August, insya Allah - exactly one day after my birthday. This sucks! Nevertheless, I'd say that this is the most well-spent break I've ever had so far :) Got to spend the whole Ramadhan with my friends and family. Got to spend the first few days of eid with my extended family. The somewhat awkward moment when everyone's asking for your opinion in both medical and dental aspects and you're still a student, not yet certified - but I'm grateful to be able to help them at least a minute part of it.

Managed to snap a picture of the famous mi bandung Muar Tanjung Agas

Raya celebration in Muar (my mother's hometown) is not complete without a hunt for mi bandung Muar, a delicacy each one of you should try, honestly, but ah well, we always end up eating at the same shop - Mi Bandung Muar Tanjung Agas. It's located near Sekolah Menengah Asrama Sains Muar. Go look for it, guys!


While Umi, Ayah, and I were visiting my late grandparents and greatgrandparents' grave, a thought struck me - will I have children or maybe relatives wishing my well-being in afterlife in the future, when this spirit has detached from its container? Something for us to ponder. Ayah said something that really bugged me, "Kalau Umi dan Ayah pergi dulu, awak adik-beradik semua tahu ke nak buat apa? Ke mana patut mayat kami dihalakan? Macam mana solat jenazah? Macam mana nak uruskan semuanya? Sedekahkan kami dengan doa-doa?". Alhamdulillah, my younger brother, Ahmad, is well-equipped with religious knowledge, but I believe that it's the responsibility of each and every one of us. I am going to be honest, when Ayah forwarded me those questions, I couldn't answer all of them (of course, I started studying on these once I got back home). Yang paling sedih, sampaikah doa-doa dan sedekah-sedekah saya pada waktu itu?


My trip back home from Muar, along with my parents was filled with Ustaz Azhar Idrus's talks (which made all of us giggle repeatedly), my playlist which I customised to feature songs that Umi likes, Hafiz Hamidun's Zikir Terapi Diri, and traffic jams along the PLUS highway. We called PLUS Infoline a few times and were put on hold for so long that it reminded me of a similar incident involving a USM operator during which I had to wait more than 3 minutes before getting connected to a lecturer. I was mumbling, "Hurrrr, takde orang keee kat situuu? Angkat leee angkat leeee, ponek eden nunggu ni jang", and suddenly an operator picked up the phone and snapped, "HOI!! Ingat orang takde kerja ke?!", back at me. Terkejut beruk aku! Taubat tak bebel masa tunggu operator angkat dah.



Guess what? My tailor didn't finish sewing my baju kurung this eid. Alhamdulillah I brought a pair from Kelantan. Baju kuliah pun baju kuliah lahhh. Ada baju pun dah cukup syukur. Orang susah yang lain nak ada baju raya pun tak tergamak nak fikir. They shall not be forgotten though.

Wani, Syafiq, Along, and Kak Sue will be coming tomorrow to celebrate Umi's (27th Aug) as well as my birthday :) We'll be having a BBQ weeeee and Umi gave me the green light to bake a cake of my choice. Weeee againnnn! Time to put that Big Book of Baking book Wani gave me a week ago to use. Come to think of it... this is my first time celebrating it with my family throughout these five years of DDS. Oh, Allah, thank You thank You thank You.

As my buddy senior told me, "Just have as much fun as you want, spend your break maximally, and give all you can when you start your extension period". True that :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Eid mubarak to all


Ramadhan had left us once again, ushering the month of Syawal in. As usual, the annual raya trip to Kampong Semaloi, Endau, is a must. On my father's side, there are more than sixty cousins as Ayah has 12 siblings including himself. Each raya, half of them will be around during this first day of Syawal, making this humble village a livelier place. I previously thought that after all those horrible events I wouldn't want to be in such environment. That I'd just like to sulk and wait for the days to pass, but who knows... I actually found peace in this.

Something is amiss this eid. I'm not sure what exactly it is. Maybe the presence of Ahmad and Wani? Maybe it's my significantly changed innerself? The most disturbing part is... I felt like I'm going to regret something, just a hunch. Nothing more.

Reciting the takbir during eid is something I usually anticipate. I begged in my heart that I will not stray from the right path much more than I already am. I closed my eyes, and joined all of my relatives, reciting it as well as holding a small tahlil for those who had passed away. Slowly, my heart quivered. I felt a rare sense of happiness and relief in me. Jangan sampai pintu hatiku tertutup. I fear this possibility. Alhamdulillah, it is still able to accept and digest all that is righteous. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I remember a conversation I had with a new friend. There's a spot in me that I had neglected for a long time came to life. Whatever he said made me feel like I should be more humble, like the person he is. And I know then that I should be in a balanced state. And this person as well as Fiza helped me to achieve this state in some ways I can't fully comprehend. It's still a long journey, but I believe that life is not about 'all or none' law. Doesn't mean you can't achieve perfection at something you should ditch it for good.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

late night thoughts

This break is about to come to its end. 

"Ceritakan sayang, hari-hari yang telah kau lalui..
.. Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku"- Tunjukkan Padaku by Sheila on 7

I wonder if I will one day find that one person that'll be my 'pelindung'... that is if I can find a person who can bear my annoying self for more than a week. "Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidupku yang malang", again an excerpt from Sheila on 7's song. 

Forever alone sungguh. Hmph.

Friday, August 17, 2012

i'm a nag

Look, I haven't slept for a day, and Umi told me that our balik kampung plan is changed. We're going to Kampung Semaloi, Endau, (my father's side) tomorrow instead of the day after. This also means I had to go to KL with Umi this very morning. So you know what happens when you're getting lack of sleep - emotional rage!

My ears might not be very sensitive but my nose surely is. The first thing I noticed as I stepped out of the car was the roads were reeking of garbage. Soon, I smelled fried chicken. The roads were crowded as hell although it was only 9am. And then there were loud music everywhere and within half an hour, I became nauseated. I'm really not a shopaholic person and the last place I'd like to shop at will be a crowded place. If it's up to me, three shops are my maximum limit. If I can't find what I already set my mind to buy by then, I'd just give up and head home.

The traffic was so congested and everyone was driving as if a tsunami was just a few feet behind them. As usual, I became Umi's luggage carrier (I have no idea what's the proper term for this job). So after waiting for almost 20 minutes for an elevator (I'm quite sure I had never witnessed any slower elevator than the one in Sogo) and I was handful with five humongous plastic bags and gosh it felt like I was doing some weight-lifting workout, a group of people who each of them was only carrying one tiny plastic bag, if not none, decided to cut the queue. "Cepat, cepat masuk (hurry, get in the elevator)", they said to each other. I finally ran out of patience and snapped, "Seronoknya tunggu lif dengan barang-barang semua ni (it's fun to wait for the elevator with all these stuff I'm carrying)", and just proceeded to an escalator instead.

Next while I was browsing a few shelves for a quilt cover for my bed, I was agitated to hear three sales assistants chit-chatting so loudly that I started to get headache. I have this weird partial deafness that makes me less sensitive to low pitch sound and extra sensitive to high pitch sound, hence the reason my headache developed after listening to such noise. I passed the quilt cover I chose to one of them. She didn't smile, said thank you, or show any courteous gesture at all. "You must be having a fun time chit-chatting just now because you got so loud that I even got headache hearing your conversation", I snapped. She just smiled at me and continued chit-chatting.

I was obviously exhausted. So I headed to a chair which seemed to be vacant except for a lady's book placed there. I apologised and asked her whether the chair is available, if I could sit on it. That lady just looked at me, basically ignoring me as well, and started dialing some numbers and talked on her phone loudly. I got pissed off that I picked the book up and put it on her lap and sat down. She was talking so loud that I started to get headache again. I asked her politely to tone down, but as previously, she ignored me. I became uh... 'psycho'? I started playing funny videos on my phone and laughed loudly that she got annoyed and went somewhere else.

Now what kind of a fucked up place has KL came to be? I'm going to be honest. I don't like Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman (Jalan TAR) at all. These are my reasons. Every year, our raya shopping time will be the exact thing that I dread. I'm not even good at bargaining with shoppers because I usually end up feeling sorry for them.

It wasn't a fun trip, I'd say.

happy birthday, Kitssss



17th August - It's Kishie's 24th birthdayyyy! Happy birthday, pretty lady, Roslyna Balkish binti Rosly (now there!)! And yes, you're still the prettiest, rest assured :) It was an impromptu celebration actually. Received Hannah's text this evening and there I was, on my way to pick up May and Kishie in Subang Jaya from Nilai. Celebrated this lady's birthday along with Epa, Ozz, Hannah, and Awy. I can't exactly remember when I last celebrated any of this girls' birthday. I was usually in Kelantan. 

Come to think of it... how did this strange feelings of comfy and security linger whenever they are around? I am that rather rigid-minded, not so ladylike (no I'm not that into window shopping, chic flicks, and make ups), sometimes awkward for no reason, and etc. Opposite attracts - even when it comes to a friendship. It's mentally tiring to have the same bunch of rigid people around, and to just listen and watch them enjoying everything somehow makes me feel at ease. I can choose not to be myself, break free from my norm whenever I want to and they will not be judgmental and condemning. I am very grateful that Allah is lending them to me. They're one of the few reasons I am still sane up till today.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

post-torture day 1

Selempang selendang saja (very prominent eye bag, yes, I just woke up, tak mandi pun lagi ngaahahaha)

Umi thought that I needed a facial treatment. Honestly, I don't give much damn about my facial skin care, because hahaaaaaa, clinics are more important (tiba-tiba muka serius). Basically, that's my selfish reason. So yesterday, I was dragged to Taipan and had it done there. No, I had never experienced such thing in my life, and hell NO, It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced so far, hands down, even a root canal treatment with failure of achieving pulpal anaesthesia couldn't beat it! No shit, my tear dropped spontaneously when they did it on my nose. I was chanting, "Please someone get me the fuck out of here, please someone shoot me now, please someone, just burn me to death (referring to a gore incident two days ago involving a 16-year old girl... I shouldn't make jokes about this)", silently. When they replaced that damned instrument-of-torture-only-meant-for-prisoners-a-hunder-years-ago with another one that emits cold vapour, I exclaimed, "Sweet, mother of nectars, Alhamdulillah!", and the beautician laughed. Since I was restraining myself from screaming out of pain, I got exhausted later and fell asleep. So, I didn't have any idea what she did afterwards. When I woke up, I noticed my eyebrows shaped much more and...


... I can almost swear my facial expression was like this. Whyyyyyyyyy? See, I don't like to shape them too much. Now I feel like I'm a freaking female satan... or something. And the red marks which resulted from that episode of torture on the right side of my face haven't disappeared yet, but the beautician said it'll only take a day for it to disappear. Theoretically, 28 hours had passed and...



...yes, 70% of them had disappeared and another 30% still persist and I'm terribly worried if they'd start to end up as brown skin pigmentations. So, yes, red marks, I'M WATCHING YOU!

As a summary, I shall think more than twice about undergoing another cycle of facial treatment in the future. The beautician did inform me that the pain was intense because it's my very first time and the followings will not be as painful as this. Mayhap mayhap.

On a completely different note, Kishie and Hannah's birthdays are drawing sooo nearrr and so is eid ul-fitr! This might be the loneliest eid celebration for me as there are only Umi, Ayah, and I. Wani and Along might not join us. I is sads. "Siapakah yang sudi, menghulurkan simpati, kepada Ira yang sunyi", singing Black Dog Bone's song to my elder siblings.