Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Could it be because of the overwhelming stress from clinical sessions this week? Could it be because I'm homesick but I can't fly home because Umi, Ayah, Along, and Kak Su are doing their umrah right now? I really want to call Ayah because whenever I feel like this, I'll just tell Ayah (usually tearfully haha). I feel like going out tonight, but I don't either. I need strength. I need someone to talk to. Tears, please go away. :'(

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

shouldn't have

I'm so hungry right now that I accidentally slept at 8pm although I was listening to a few old songs - which makes it more confusing as it's usually hard for me to fall asleep while doing so because I tend to listen to the sound of each musical instrument that I get caught up - until someone's text woke me up. It was weird though, I woke up crying. What the fuu...? Who the hell cries in her sleep? Was I sleep... uh... sleepcrying? I hope my roommate doesn't think I'm a loony. Or were there ninjas cutting onions beside me? Seems legit.

Anyway imawa hontouni hareita yo. Shinde imasuuuuuuuu T_T Tasukete yo ngaaaa~

Sunday, February 26, 2012

at times like this

... just wanna say to myself, "Take a chill pill, lady".

Friday, February 24, 2012

after such a long time

I consider myself a universal music listener although classical, rock, and metal music attract my attention the most, but nowadays, it's so hard to find good music related to those genres. Pop used to be good until the current Katy Perry-alike artists start to bud and Fly FM and Hitz FM are totally ruined (but the latter had longed destroyed its own reputation since 10 years ago) with senseless noises which I don't even dare to call them a musical piece, hence, forcing me to replay good old songs. Once in awhile I'll bump into one that is so good as if I had never listened to it before. These few days, I had been replaying Silent Knight by Versailles again and again. Eargasmic. The very word that can describe Hizaki's guitar solos and the late Jasmine You's bass riffs. To those who aren't accustomed to their appearance, this is an example of a visual kei band. X-Japan used to be one until in late 90s. Ah well, I guess I miss their old image.


A reminder to myself - don't treat others like a puppet - for you to use according to your convenience - whether you're using your beauty, money, or etc. Although you think others don't see your true intentions, eventually, the lid will give itself away, and the next thing you know (or perhaps you might not even notice it at all) is everyone's already distanced themselves from you. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012


These couple of days had been rough. Got shouted at yesterday along with my peer, Yueming, for something that we're partially responsible (we won't repeat such stupid mistake anymore), but received an apology due to that this noon. The latter changed my mood all together - my optimism made a comeback. This morning was crazy too. My patient's folder arrived so late (waited for an hour and a half despite already requesting it a week earlier), I had to let her go only with a temporary filling, but Alhamdulillah, she wanted to continue the treatment during my noon clinical session. Alhamdulillah too because the patient for whom I am supposed to construct a pair of dentures was unwell for that session (it was reserved for her initially). After receiving the mentioned apology, my mood started to stabilise and the noon session went smoothly. In fact, I had never done such procedure that fast. Dear patient, you'll have your tooth crown soon, insya Allah.

I'm beyond exhaustion particularly in this week. I accidentally slept this evening (I don't like to take naps). Time and time again, the same question kept popping up in my mind, "Am I really for this? Is dentistry really for me? Am I moving at a pace fast enough to become a safe dentist in a few months?". I just... want to complete my degree in the shortest period possible. If not for my family, friends, and Allah, this place would have driven me completely insane. Here I am, still perfectly sane and still practising. May Allah grant me the strength to face His tests and protect me from all evil. 

A month had passed since I left home for this place - my final 'all out' effort during this degree. Nonetheless, whether my strength will be adequate for me to hold myself from coming home for a short break for another five months or so; or not - that is still vague. Even weekends (Friday and Saturday in Kelantan) seem insufficient for me to rest and relax my mind. Dear comrades, hold my hand and help me through this, will you? Just a few more months to go. Just a few more months to go.

On the other hand, I really hope that more patients will start appreciating this free dental treatment we provide them. Of course, it's our own pleasure to get the opportunity to practise and learn, but in the same time, it needs a reciprocating effort for something to work out. The instruments and materials we use aren't cheap either. Most importantly, the time we spent on them. Help us to help you. Perhaps, it's also our part of the play - to educate the patients on this issue. Truth to be told, despite having easier access to information, we, Malaysians, although we're good at being verbal on certain issues, mentality-wise - we're still at a very low level. You can access journals and credible articles, and yet most people prefer to choose to listen to myths and words by mouth which are highly contaminated with bias. And to unfortunately many practitioners... although it might hurt your pocket a little bit, it'll help everyone so much if you spend some of your precious time to educate your patient at least a little bit. I had been someone's patient too.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

hey, long time no see

Ditched this blog for almost 3 weeks already. Looking at my sidebar, I wonder if there's anyone who still blogs nowadays.

So, time passed, a lot of things happened. Every week passed in a blink of an eye. July is drawing closer. I still have a handful of clinical requirements to be completed. Trying my best to complete everything. Selebihnya, tawakkaltu'alAllah.

Today, I performed surgical removal of impacted tooth 38 under local anaesthesia for the very first time in my life. I was too anxious yesterday that I lied wide awake on my bed for two hours before finally falling asleep. After such a long time, I finally experienced tension headache once again. I'm a human after all :) Read a few chapters related to it in a textbook more than three times, replaying Youtube videos of such cases again and again, sent prayers, and I even called Umi, asking for her words of support. Alhamdulillah, I completed the procedure within thirty minutes. Special thanks to Dr Hariani (I still feel guilty for mistaking her for Dr Hazel) for willing to assist me during the procedure and allowing me to do every single thing starting from local anaesthesia administration up to suturing. Creating incisional flap was fun! It sure was more fun than using an electrosurgery kit. I expected my knees to weaken when blood started to gush out, but, Alhamdulillah, I was actually ecstatic. One thing for sure... I finally got to feel how hard vital bones actually are - enough to convince me that it is perfectly alright to use it as a fulcrum during tooth elevation. A confession to make - since I had been playing around with old dead bones during my first three years of DDS., I actually thought they're somewhat brittle. As in... not strong enough for me to treat them slightly more aggressively, but it's actually super strong! Nonetheless, ten minutes were spent from local anaesthesia administration up to tooth elevation and about TWENTY minutes were spent just for suturing alone. Alhamdulillah, I got to experience suturing of fragile tissue too. More fragile than wounds I sutured before.

Too much of medical/dental mumbo jumbos? Yes, I guess, but I just can't translate them into laymen term. Gomen ne.

Anyway, recently during a clinical presentation by my peer, Dr Sarliza who was pointing out her grammatical errors, called out my name a few times, saying, "Kan Zahirah? You rasa betul ke ayat tu?", to me. Ngaaaaa, does that mean I'm a grammar Nazi now? Or rather... have I been a grammar Nazi all these while? Honestly, I don't mind minor grammar/spelling/vocabulary mistakes, but those major ones... just irritate the hell out of me. I'm not quite sure why. I guess reading sentences such as 'patient don't want to see doctor' really shatters one's focus. My English isn't good as well, but yeah... having said so, that doesn't mean that I'm allowed to continue and stay like this forever. After all, learning is a lifelong thingy, isn't it? So, don't be afraid. Speak the language more often. Don't feel embarrassed when making mistakes, but make sure you upgrade yourself with time. And please don't make 9GAG your reference.

At one point, I really think that my patients are trying to encourage me at being fatter - not that I'm not fat enough, but all these food and snacks!! Thank you, dear patients. Kamu ialah sebahagian daripada amanah saya :)