Sunday, March 25, 2012
At times like this, pessimism always wins. I think I just lost a friend. He hasn't been speaking to me since the past few days for reasons I can't really comprehend. Had a fight with another lad over stupid things. The thing is, I'm not that kind of person who breaks my promises. What more if it's something I promised my parents. I learned my lesson the hard way and I was down with post-traumatic stress disorder. Something which left a scar that doesn't seem to go away up to this day. I miss my childhood friends. It seems that I'm missing out on so many things, so many events. Emotional-wise, I'm somewhat unstable currently. Hadn't posted twice in a day for such a long time. Cried thrice today. My eyes are getting too puffy already. That agreement I made a few days ago... I don't even think I can hold on to it much longer. I hate sighing, but what is this thing I'm doing right now? My left shoulder is still killing me. I'm inhaling this thing more than I usually do. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it could be so hard", recalling fragments from Coldplay's The Scientist. I'm letting myself to be used, am I not? When I said that, I remember two people telling me, "No, we would do everything for you. Just tell us what it is and we'll do it for you". I guess words are just words after all. Just to leave a hint of security to you temporarily. I feel like running away from everything right now. Just disappear into thin air. No one will notice anyway. I feel so invisible. I feel so useless. I feel so inefficient. Oh, Allah, grant me the strength to face this. My legs are weak. I just feel so... weak.
For a person who scored 120 in IQ test, I had been acting outrageously dumb these few days. Of course, truth hurts more than lies do, but yeah... I can't seem to achieve composure right now. Asking Allah for strength desperately. Oh, Zahirah, what have you done to yourself? You knew it all along and yet you're acting against your conscience? I thought that getting a drink just now would relax my mind a little bit, but who would've known I'd walk away in rage instead? I really need someone to talk to :'( If only I had a gun in my hand...
Friday, March 23, 2012
So I hadn't called Ayah for such a long time. Had been talking to Umi most of the time. Talked to my old man today and I found out that my cousin, Abang Zul's, wedding reception will be held this weekend. You, my man, deserve all the happiness you can get. I also found out that Wani, Along, and my parents are planning for a vacation around June. Sigh... am I going to be left out again? I'm going to try my best and make them come to Kelantan or perhaps Terengganu. Wherever I can reach by car. I just... miss them so much :( I even forgot when I last went back home. DDS., how much shall I sustain just to attain this qualification.
I hadn't been myself much these few weeks. You know, stress (in my case, it's longing for my family although we don't really contact that much) tend to make behave out of my norm. I can't really study. I can't really think straight. I can't concentrate on games (LOL). I miss my cat, Joni, as well. I miss my Subang friends. Anith got engaged and I wasn't there to witness everything. I'm happy for her though :)
Zahirah, be strong! Be strong!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 3 post-MOS
Got prepared early today for nothing when I received a text from my patient this morning saying, "Sorry, Dr, saya demam hari ni, tak dapat datang". Well, I wish her a speedy recovery. I'm on MC today too after undergoing surgical removal of impacted tooth 38 the day before yesterday (which was performed by my colleague, Yiying, yippee~), but you know... the first time I underwent it, I found myself doing ward rounds that very noon right after the procedure because I was dead bored lazing around in my room. So today I decided to just try my luck and requested for a class IV composite resin restoration. Two hours passed and I didn't receive any call from the staff nurse who was in charge of KRK (Klinik Rawatan Keluarga). I couldn't concentrate on reading Sturdevant either because it's so noisy in there. Bloody! So, here I am, in my room, rambling nonsense. The swelling on my left angle of mandible seems much more prominent, eh?
Aight, exam is just 9 days away. Time to study, Zahirah, no more fooling around... except during weekends! Hey, since it's already day 3... hee hee hee! Le menthol-thing, come to me!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Congratulations, Zahirah, for disappointing yourself. Sigh (and I'm the type that doesn't sigh)... Zahirah, you're self-destructive, but this is one of the most painful methods of self-destruction. I feel disgusted with myself.
See, to simply ditch something seems to be my way of escaping problems since I survived depression. So far, I've been benefiting from doing so. I shall do it again this time. Run, run, Zahirah, fly and don't look back. Nothing is waiting for you back there. I....... just hope the strength I need can be gained along the way - along this run. Besides, I had anticipated these in the first place. Time to face the consequences. Super-Saiyan mode!
This is just something I write to grief. I don't need sympathy. In fact, that's what I hate the most because from sympathy comes what seemed like a new hope to the one in grief. A false hope. If such sympathetic expression wasn't there, everything would've changed. Now that I saw it....
Friday, March 2, 2012
I hate mood swings, but that's exactly the thing that hit me these couple of days albeit not being able to fathom the exact reason to it. Well I guess almost everything is multifactorial in nature. Surprisingly enough, I think the part of my brain controlling it had been forced to reboot when a bat invaded my room last midnight. My coursemate, Era, and I were literally shrieking frantically and the adrenaline rush caused us palpitations until the next hour. It was hilarious though when fear caused even a bird eye chilli to seem like a bat's broken leg. Ah well, I'm surely stabilising now, Alhamdulillah :)
So Didie tagged me in this picture which was taken four years ago. Sigh... I need to lose some weight. My right knee injury (got it from falling down during futsal and someone being thrown at me) is getting worse with this weight. On a completely different note, I wish all of my colleagues are still as innocent and as selfless as they were four years ago. Nevertheless, I can't blame anyone fully for being so as the school puts us under unnecessary stress with problems which a top university in the country shouldn't be having.