Sunday, March 25, 2012
At times like this, pessimism always wins. I think I just lost a friend. He hasn't been speaking to me since the past few days for reasons I can't really comprehend. Had a fight with another lad over stupid things. The thing is, I'm not that kind of person who breaks my promises. What more if it's something I promised my parents. I learned my lesson the hard way and I was down with post-traumatic stress disorder. Something which left a scar that doesn't seem to go away up to this day. I miss my childhood friends. It seems that I'm missing out on so many things, so many events. Emotional-wise, I'm somewhat unstable currently. Hadn't posted twice in a day for such a long time. Cried thrice today. My eyes are getting too puffy already. That agreement I made a few days ago... I don't even think I can hold on to it much longer. I hate sighing, but what is this thing I'm doing right now? My left shoulder is still killing me. I'm inhaling this thing more than I usually do. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it could be so hard", recalling fragments from Coldplay's The Scientist. I'm letting myself to be used, am I not? When I said that, I remember two people telling me, "No, we would do everything for you. Just tell us what it is and we'll do it for you". I guess words are just words after all. Just to leave a hint of security to you temporarily. I feel like running away from everything right now. Just disappear into thin air. No one will notice anyway. I feel so invisible. I feel so useless. I feel so inefficient. Oh, Allah, grant me the strength to face this. My legs are weak. I just feel so... weak.