Tuesday, July 24, 2012

blank

You begged me not to do it because you said it hurts to see those wounds on my forearms, but do you understand that you're the one who put the blade into my hand? Don't do more damage, I beg you. Just... leave me alone.

For this couple of days, I received so many texts wishing me all the best for this professional exams. 1am? 2am? 5am? 9pm? Facebook? Handphone? I lost count of them. I tried to reply the first few until I found my tears dribbling down my cheek again. So I stopped replying. It came to a point that I felt like crushing this phone into pieces, because every single time I read them, something crumbles in my chest and tears will start to well up again. Then your own flesh and blood would make cynical remarks. I... really depend on them to feel happy because I know I disappointed them so much when I was in highschool. I know I stood up on my own after that failure during SPM, but this time, I'm not sure whether I can stand up anymore.

I know, I'm being annoying. I tried... I really tried to be happy and see things more optimistically, but one after another... I'm not sure how far I can stay sane. Day by day, something will somehow remind me of that dark event. Some people said that sharing your problems will help. Tried that for the past two weeks. Yes, I felt much more at ease but I feel guilty afterwards. So I gave up on that too and make this blog my escapism. So no worries, whoever out there, I will not trouble anyone with my dumb affairs anymore. I shall smile though, no worries, I can still do that at least. I'll try not to destroy anyone's day. 

Hey, this music player is playing Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling.

Today, I tried to draw once again. I didn't finish that drawing. I kept erasing again and again until I finally chucked that sketchbook away. I tried playing my guitar. It's dusty already. I tuned and played Fix You by Coldplay. Didn't finish the song, I suddenly felt annoyed by its sound, so I chucked it away too. The next thing I know is I started crying again. So I tried to distract myself by taking a bath. Water usually makes me calmer, hence the reason I'd swim whenever I am troubled. Unfortunately, I cried again. My legs felt weak and I just sat down and cried instead.

I just wish for one thing. An end. An end to everything. An ultimate end so that I don't need to face anything... anymore.

No comments: