Friday, July 27, 2012

monologue

The thing about being in deep shit one after another is you eventually give up on sharing them with someone else. Yeah, there were a few who you initially felt like... "This feels homey perhaps I can seek shelter here", and you thought they'd accept you anytime, until you start to bore the hell out of them because let's face it. You suck. You and your petty sad affairs have no place in this world. In the end, there you are. You are still alone. Whether you like it or not, you're on your own. Sometimes you'll get company, but just like bubbles. Just a little change can cause them to burst. 

I think... I lost my shelter. Those are meteors raining on me, and I thought I lived in the toughest bunker, but hey, its roof is already giving away. And yes, I'm already so damaged, battered, and I think I am beyond repair now.  I can't really take people less seriously now. If you say, "I don't want to be around you anymore or go find someone else", I'll most probably take it seriously and just ditch everything. Because I don't think I can take another hit. Not from someone I already feel so comfortable with. Really, I'm pretty much at the brink of giving up already. I am talkative when I'm with others. That's because I need to keep troubles off my mind. So that I can smile instead of crying. So that I won't destroy anyone's day. So that I won't end up hating myself more than I already do. That's why I did some things that might seem painful. At least bearing that physical pain is much much much less painful than sustaining emotional pain. At least I get to distract myself off some things.

I'm screwed up. I'm really screwed up. It seems like there's no end to this nightmare. Once in a while you'll feel like there's a glint of light, but a few seconds later, it'll just disappear along with your hopes.

And this very second, I think... I already lost this battle.

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