Tuesday, July 10, 2012

shit happens

Ironic, isn't it? I was the project manager for last year's graduation night and I don't even get to attend mine. Fiza, the promise I made - that with God's will we shall meet up with a smile on our face during our convocation day - I am sorry that I'm incapable of fulfilling that. I helped a few people by providing patients for some procedures they are lacking at and in the end, I lacked just because I missed out a few things. Well, lesson learned - you can never trust anyone, not even the logbooks, to tell you about every single rule there is. You'll just have to find out about them on your own. Medical problems or not, they don't mean a thing even if you get warded. In the end, being active, getting an A, going for whatever activity the university sent you do not matter. Regrets, regrets, when will I get tired of them?

Today, after Subuh prayer, I took a nap only to wake up later to my friend, Yueming's message. For the first time ever, I told a soul about my worst fear of having to extend my clinics to six months - being ignored by my friends. His reply was gentle and assuring. I cried again for a few minutes and stopped abruptly. I guess I got tired of working my lacrimal glands. Then many phone calls and text messages started to swarm me. It's not that I am ignoring them purposely, but really, my phone credit ran out within a couple of days. "See, everyone cares", Hanif said. My parents bought me the first flight ticket back home when I told them my appeal was rejected. They have been very supportive. Azizah and Bella both reminded me repeatedly not to do foolish things. They're well versed about my previous history of self-inflicted injury. Frankly, I've been thinking about it these two days. Knowing myself well, I disposed all sharp instruments present in my room. Kucheng said she doesn't want to see me being depressed all over again. I fear that black hole, but this time, I have everybody's support. I hope that is enough to ward it off.

Closed my eyes and tried to recall all the memories I have of Alia, Kak Miza, Kak Marni, Kak Farhana, and Kak Mastura - who all had to extend six months due to the same reason as mine. They had never showed their sadness to us. In fact, they're always there to teach us whenever we're clueless about anything. I wish I can be that positive. If not now, at least when the time needs me, I wish I can be a person who can smile, brighten up the others, help them if I am able to, but you know... in the end, I'm bugged by a question - can I help others when my condition is like this?

May Allah and time make this wound less painful than it is now. Alhamdulillah I somewhat love gathering knowledge. So I guess now I have six more months to top up my knowledge - the only thing I am absolutely positive about.

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