Wednesday, July 18, 2012

strength, come to me... please?

Notifications of updates on my coursemates' Facebook group kept popping up. They're starting to post stuff about this coming professional examination... which I won't be able to sit for.

"U came into my dream, kept smiling at me.. Huhu... Rindu..", Yana texted me just now. Again I was tearful. I want to be able to smile like I used to, but my strength seems to have dissipated. Fell asleep for half an hour. Woke up and I felt warm tears dribbling down my cheeks again. The urge to end everything haunts me again.

Oh, Allah, grant me the strength to face this test. Allah doesn't test His creations unless they can take it... but I can't seem to stop these tears from falling. I feel weakest at this point. I have never felt weaker than this.

I feel hungry and yet my appetite isn't here. I somehow think I deserve this. I feel disgusted at myself. I even hate looking at my own reflection. I feel tired. Exhausted. Exhausted from fighting to become happy once again. If the heart beats according to our spirit, mine would've died a long time ago.

I am just... exhausted.

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