Saturday, July 7, 2012

truly, madly, deeply

I lost my money today - an amount that's enough to affect my weekly budget. Looked for it everywhere, asked every single soul I could ask. Guess no indulging myself much this week. I had a fight with a friend. The same old thing, and I was rained with accusations - most of them I had never imagined myself saying or doing. The funniest part of it is, a few of them are too absurd that I am now suspecting something else about this lad - which I shall keep to myself. I am down with pharyngitis since yesterday too. The weather in Kelantan has been going hectic these few days. Extremely hot in the afternoon and ice cold late in the evening and night due to rainstorm. No wonder a number of my colleagues had more masculine voice just like mine today when we met at our dental school this morning for Dr Sarliza's radiography class. Tomorrow, a meeting will be attended by our lecturers to decide on which student to be barred from the final professional exams. I am anxious about it, especially when we received a news saying attitude, knowledge, and our performance during clinical sessions matter a lot this year. 

Come to think of it... I have many reasons to be restless or unhappy this very second, but Alhamdulillah, I've been feeling more positive since that fight. Every single time I get involved in such fight, I'd feel like I'm the worst human being, my mood would go down the drain, I'd start doing stupid things and hate myself, and it's my own fault that I made myself so vulnerable while the other person gets to enjoy his/her life. My old self was stupid enough to listen to those nonsense. Yes. NONSENSE that consumed my precious time and emotions. Ah well. That's history now. Awww YEAHHH (Lt. Horatio's style)!!

You know how some people have that aura that makes you feel at ease and calm? Well that's what I felt whenever I look at my father, Dr Sarliza, or Dr Hany Ahmad, the phD of endodontics student who also happens to be one of our lecturers. I felt as if I am the dirtiest person on earth, like I don't deserve every single thing that I have today. For the past few months, I had been feeling lost and I tried to find peace and distracted myself by doing useless things. So I decided to turn things around. I apologised to a few significant souls, cleaned up myself as thoroughly as I could, and a few more things which I shall not write here. I decided to make my room a more enjoyable place. Thanks to my paediatric patients who had been bathing me with gifts this past fortnight, I arranged them neatly in my room just to boost up my spirit and to remind me that whatever happens, I must strive and give my best in this pursuit to become a safe and responsible dentist.


At last, I could stay in my room, enjoying a good cup of coffee and a piece of Secret Recipe's white chocolate macadamia cake

without feeling like running out and just drive and hangout somewhere. "Kau ni tak reti duduk diam (you really can't stay put, Ira)", my mother used to say to me. Well, time to learn to do so :) Today, while I was doing my Maghrib solat, a wave of sadness and guilt claimed me. I also dreamed of something terrible two days ago and I woke up feeling tremendous fear. I ended up crying again. Although I forgot my Creator so many times, the One and only never forgets us.

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