Monday, August 20, 2012

Eid mubarak to all

Ramadhan had left us once again, ushering the month of Syawal in. As usual, the annual raya trip to Kampong Semaloi, Endau, is a must. On my father's side, there are more than sixty cousins as Ayah has 12 siblings including himself. Each raya, half of them will be around during this first day of Syawal, making this humble village a livelier place. I previously thought that after all those horrible events I wouldn't want to be in such environment. That I'd just like to sulk and wait for the days to pass, but who knows... I actually found peace in this.

Something is amiss this eid. I'm not sure what exactly it is. Maybe the presence of Ahmad and Wani? Maybe it's my significantly changed innerself? The most disturbing part is... I felt like I'm going to regret something, just a hunch. Nothing more.

Reciting the takbir during eid is something I usually anticipate. I begged in my heart that I will not stray from the right path much more than I already am. I closed my eyes, and joined all of my relatives, reciting it as well as holding a small tahlil for those who had passed away. Slowly, my heart quivered. I felt a rare sense of happiness and relief in me. Jangan sampai pintu hatiku tertutup. I fear this possibility. Alhamdulillah, it is still able to accept and digest all that is righteous. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I remember a conversation I had with a new friend. There's a spot in me that I had neglected for a long time came to life. Whatever he said made me feel like I should be more humble, like the person he is. And I know then that I should be in a balanced state. And this person as well as Fiza helped me to achieve this state in some ways I can't fully comprehend. It's still a long journey, but I believe that life is not about 'all or none' law. Doesn't mean you can't achieve perfection at something you should ditch it for good.

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