Wednesday, August 1, 2012

starburst

I wish I'm a robot, so I may function optimally without the limbic system constantly hindering me.

So those photos are starting to come up on my Facebook notice board. Those are the events I missed. Those are the things I unconsciously chose to let go. Regrets, regrets, regrets. I rested my head against these pillows. A sigh escaped. Oh God, how longer will this go on. Getting trapped in this black hole of uncertainty sure is getting sickening. Confusing isn't it how our body reacts in different conditions. I'd be filled with self-loathing so much that at times purging becomes impossible to hold back.

I think I lost a good friend. In the end, no one can tolerate this self-destructive jackass. There's no place for you in this world, Zahirah. Give up that hopeless dream. I seem to be a highly negative-charged entity that steals every being's electrons. By the time they realise my pessimism is rubbing off on them, they'd flee. Flee... If only I too can flee from myself. It's never others' fault. It's me. I'm the problematic one. "You're sick", he said to me. I couldn't agree more. Perhaps he's true. I am sick after all.

Starburst - I lost it. 

I've been experiencing nightmares for four days in a row now. I would wake up, stunned. Again and again, frustration would overcome myself. Self-loathing keeps haunting back.

When I had those stuff Kishie dub as 'Osaka sweets', I really acted differently. For once, I didn't feel like myself. I kept apologising to Hannah during that time. "It's okay. You held back things for too long. You deserve a break", she said reassuringly.

I tried. I really tried to act positively around others. Someone told me if you act positively, eventually your mind will play along. Yeah, right, for about an hour or so and after that my serotonin level will drop again.

There seem to be no ending to this battle. Escaping it alive seems almost impossible. Hopefully I can make through this.

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