Tuesday, July 31, 2012

true story

Quite recently, my aunty who I call Ibu was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2. I had been visiting her daily since she's admitted at a hospital nearby. She's grown thinner, but not yet cachexic looking. Ayah Long, her husband, had been accompanying her through her cycles of chemotherapy, to a point of not geting enough rest himself and he fell ill. It's not good to have a person who is sick around if you're immunocompromised (immune system is lowered) like in my aunty's case. So he had to return to Johor Bharu and recover first. Even so, he repeatedly called his son telling he wants to come to the hospital and accompany Ibu and every single time his son questioned his health, he would avoid answering it. If he could lie, he would, but he's an honest man. The very day he recovered, he took a bus to Seremban where the hospital is located in.

Yesterday, I got to meet him while visiting Ibu. He looked pale himself and yet he acted cheerful as they both usually do. Many intravenous lines were set on Ibu's hands that most of them already got thrombosed, requiring new lines being set somewhere. When it got thrombosed, she would feel intense pain and Ayah Long's face would appear in agony. "Kalau aku boleh duduk bawah Ibu kau, lepas tu waktu doktor cucuk tangan dia aku hulur tangan aku supaya aku sendiri kena cucuk, dah lama aku buat dah", he sighed. I was busy answering questions related to Ibu's condition to my cousins and mother, but that statement made me stop abruptly and I kept silent. I wanted to cry, but it wouldn't help anything. I saw Ibu's tears welling up.

Decades of marriage, they really went on rocky roads for so long. So many tests which if I were in their shoes, I might've given up a long time ago. And yet, they stayed true and loving each other as if nothing is going wrong. That's a true love story.

On a completely different note, today I started to take up the task of baking breads in this house since Kak Jannah is no longer here as our maid. Anything to make my parents happy.

Monday, July 30, 2012

luos derettab ho meop

Oh battered soul, once paraded
Look at her, always the calmest, always patient
What are those in her hands?
Must be medals, tokens of appreciation

Oh battered soul, once talked about
Everything she wrote sounded bright
Everything she worked on seemed to go right
Every test she faced with all her might

Oh battered soul, now an empty shell
Staring blankly at the wall
Life is nothing but a prison cell
Her senses are numb, as if she's under a spell

Oh battered soul, now a curse
She's a damaged toy, she's always bitter
She can do nothing, she's the worst
God knows what the hell is wrong with her

be strong be strong

12 noon and I received a message from my good friend, Azizah, "Z, Mia, semua lulus exam :)", and I smiled at first. And then I started crying. Congratulations to all my friends who passed the exam. You guys are officially Drs now.

I immediately texted Hannah and Kishie. I knew I need to be cheered up and I wasn't wrong. Nonetheless, it still feels painful now, but I have to get through this phase. I have the skill and knowledge already, so I hope these six months to come will be easier on me. I let out a sigh. Be strong, Zahirah, you must be strong so that you can graduate within six months and not be dragged down by these stuff. It's just that this time I'll have to be more alert and get warded less. Oh, I forgot... I have to learn being punctual as well ;) There's no room for fashionably late in this professional world. Blarghhhh.

Shit, Love Bites by Def Leppard is good. 

Mia texted me, "I received the news from Jijah & congratulated her ^^ Of course, let's work hard together :D". She too will have to extend another six months of clinics like me. I guess it's because the other eleven already expected this so they're much more positive than I am. Oh well, I hope their optimism will rub off on me. This evening, I'm gonna work out till I faint. Must clear my mind. Must clear my mind.

Tersandar, mata tertutup, aku hela nafas, redha dengan segala-galanya. Sebaik-baik rencana kita, rencana-Nya Allah ialah yang terbaik. Insya Allah.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

baby steps

I wish I can change my application for attachment to dental clinics to Sabah and Sarawak. I really have nothing left here except a few precious friends and family members. I need to get a fresh start somewhere no one knows me. Perhaps I should make a few calls and arrange a few things, but that'll have to wait till I finish my DDS.

Hm... so, I found out that I'm too dependent. It's going to be tough to learn standing on my own again, to keep all my problems to myself, but I guess... I'll have to learn. I shall take baby steps, but I hope my sanity and emotions will keep intact throughout this process. Darn, this is tough. This sure is tough. Thank God I have my girl friends. Alhamdulillah I still have them... but still, why is my heart aching? Troubles troubles. Well, looking at the brighter side, I now can do brisk walking at nights :) Goodbye, fat!

Friday, July 27, 2012

monologue

The thing about being in deep shit one after another is you eventually give up on sharing them with someone else. Yeah, there were a few who you initially felt like... "This feels homey perhaps I can seek shelter here", and you thought they'd accept you anytime, until you start to bore the hell out of them because let's face it. You suck. You and your petty sad affairs have no place in this world. In the end, there you are. You are still alone. Whether you like it or not, you're on your own. Sometimes you'll get company, but just like bubbles. Just a little change can cause them to burst. 

I think... I lost my shelter. Those are meteors raining on me, and I thought I lived in the toughest bunker, but hey, its roof is already giving away. And yes, I'm already so damaged, battered, and I think I am beyond repair now.  I can't really take people less seriously now. If you say, "I don't want to be around you anymore or go find someone else", I'll most probably take it seriously and just ditch everything. Because I don't think I can take another hit. Not from someone I already feel so comfortable with. Really, I'm pretty much at the brink of giving up already. I am talkative when I'm with others. That's because I need to keep troubles off my mind. So that I can smile instead of crying. So that I won't destroy anyone's day. So that I won't end up hating myself more than I already do. That's why I did some things that might seem painful. At least bearing that physical pain is much much much less painful than sustaining emotional pain. At least I get to distract myself off some things.

I'm screwed up. I'm really screwed up. It seems like there's no end to this nightmare. Once in a while you'll feel like there's a glint of light, but a few seconds later, it'll just disappear along with your hopes.

And this very second, I think... I already lost this battle.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

blank

You begged me not to do it because you said it hurts to see those wounds on my forearms, but do you understand that you're the one who put the blade into my hand? Don't do more damage, I beg you. Just... leave me alone.

For this couple of days, I received so many texts wishing me all the best for this professional exams. 1am? 2am? 5am? 9pm? Facebook? Handphone? I lost count of them. I tried to reply the first few until I found my tears dribbling down my cheek again. So I stopped replying. It came to a point that I felt like crushing this phone into pieces, because every single time I read them, something crumbles in my chest and tears will start to well up again. Then your own flesh and blood would make cynical remarks. I... really depend on them to feel happy because I know I disappointed them so much when I was in highschool. I know I stood up on my own after that failure during SPM, but this time, I'm not sure whether I can stand up anymore.

I know, I'm being annoying. I tried... I really tried to be happy and see things more optimistically, but one after another... I'm not sure how far I can stay sane. Day by day, something will somehow remind me of that dark event. Some people said that sharing your problems will help. Tried that for the past two weeks. Yes, I felt much more at ease but I feel guilty afterwards. So I gave up on that too and make this blog my escapism. So no worries, whoever out there, I will not trouble anyone with my dumb affairs anymore. I shall smile though, no worries, I can still do that at least. I'll try not to destroy anyone's day. 

Hey, this music player is playing Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling.

Today, I tried to draw once again. I didn't finish that drawing. I kept erasing again and again until I finally chucked that sketchbook away. I tried playing my guitar. It's dusty already. I tuned and played Fix You by Coldplay. Didn't finish the song, I suddenly felt annoyed by its sound, so I chucked it away too. The next thing I know is I started crying again. So I tried to distract myself by taking a bath. Water usually makes me calmer, hence the reason I'd swim whenever I am troubled. Unfortunately, I cried again. My legs felt weak and I just sat down and cried instead.

I just wish for one thing. An end. An end to everything. An ultimate end so that I don't need to face anything... anymore.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

eargasm early in the morning


If you're into Maksim Mrvica and his alikes, most probably you'll love this. If you're a hardcore classical music fan, especially those from the Romanticism era, you might uhm... despise them. I'm a classical music fan, especially Rachmaninoff (I particularly love Concerto No. 2, Op. 18 - opening and Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, Op. 43) and listening to their version of Prelude in C# was somewhat painful, perhaps because I found it lacking in guitar riffs, which if they were louder and heavier, the emotion of that composition might've been restored. Personally, anything that sounds great is good enough for me. While I didn't really like the piece on Rachmaninoff, this one on Vivaldi is certainly superb. Eargasm in this rainy morning.

I usually sleep after performing the Subuh solat (hihi I know, it's not good), but today, my heart skipped a beat as I saw a picture uploaded by a university staff showing my colleagues sitting for their exams. Yes, I've already learned to accept the fact that I have to extend another six months of clinics, but when this day finally arrives... I don't know... breathing feels tougher now.

Friday, July 20, 2012

blessings of Ramadhan

Today, Umi gave me the greenlight for Fiza's parents to adopt me into their family. Which means Fiza is now my foster sister. I really love this lady from the bottom of my heart. She never left me even when I was in my worst state. In fact, she is the main reason I recovered from major depressive disorder. Sister, I really love you with all my heart. And just recently, I received encouraging words from my new personal advisor, Assoc. Prof. Dr. Azizah, who voluntarily took me as her mentee when my former PA went on sabatical leave. I still remember her hugging me when I cried continuously after finding out my appeal was rejected. I cried so hard that her hijab was dampened by my tears, but still, she hugged me tightly as I sobbed. And when she texted just now saying that she sees me as her own daughter, I cried as hard as I cried on that dark day. I promise not to let you down this time. And I am a lady of my words.

To all of my coursemates who are fighting their way through this final professional exams, I wish you guys all the best and may each one of you pass with flying colours. It is an honour to fight along with you these five years, and those tears my lacrimal glands excreted to bring us together, I didn't regret them at all, even if some might misinterpret my moves as 'mind-games', none of my action was for my own agenda. That trip to Perhentian Island with you guys, that was the best vacation I had so far. Because when I finally hear others saying our batch is the liveliest, I know that I did the right thing. WE did the right thing. 9th batch of DDS USM, I love each one of you. All the best again! :) I can't go along with you guys. I can just hope that my prayers will accompany you guys through this test. Give your very best and insya Allah, you'll make it through.

I really did so many bad things this year. I let go one of my principles which I had been holding to for so long. I crossed the line too much this time. It's only the first day of Ramadhan and yet Allah blessed me with such great things. I am crying now, not of disappointment, but of happiness and thankfulness. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

strength, come to me... please?

Notifications of updates on my coursemates' Facebook group kept popping up. They're starting to post stuff about this coming professional examination... which I won't be able to sit for.

"U came into my dream, kept smiling at me.. Huhu... Rindu..", Yana texted me just now. Again I was tearful. I want to be able to smile like I used to, but my strength seems to have dissipated. Fell asleep for half an hour. Woke up and I felt warm tears dribbling down my cheeks again. The urge to end everything haunts me again.


Oh, Allah, grant me the strength to face this test. Allah doesn't test His creations unless they can take it... but I can't seem to stop these tears from falling. I feel weakest at this point. I have never felt weaker than this.

I feel hungry and yet my appetite isn't here. I somehow think I deserve this. I feel disgusted at myself. I even hate looking at my own reflection. I feel tired. Exhausted. Exhausted from fighting to become happy once again. If the heart beats according to our spirit, mine would've died a long time ago.

I am just... exhausted.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

you put your arms around me and i'm home

"Zaaaack, you look prettier and slimmer now! Dah nak kahwin keee? Ajak la Ifa kalau dah nak kahwin", my junior, Ifa, said to me excitedly when I bumped into her at Genting Highlands. Adoi... boyfriend pun tak ada nak kahwin celah mana? Siapa laaa nak kat aku yang melecehkan ni sigh... Well, anyway, I'm starting to cuss again at myself for forgetting to bring my phone charger. Thank God I brought my laptop. Well, Sir Lappy, I'm going to depend on you for communication now, alright?

The weather is so beautiful today. It rained just now and to sit on this hanging chair on this veranda while blogging and (hihi), I feel so calm. Didn't regret my decision to just ditch USM for home at all. If I was there for a few more days, I'm sure I'd be down with depression in a few days time.Today, I received a news from Umi saying Ibu (my aunty) is terribly ill after her chemotherapy. Haemoglobin count dropped to 2. I hope she'll make it through this stage. I just hope nothing terrible happens. On the other hand, I too, have fallen ill. Again. Which makes it my second time during this break. Weather changes really weaken my immunity.

All of a sudden, a wave of melancholy struck me. I miss Fiza. I wish she's somewhere I can reach within minutes :( A week ago, she called me saying that her parents are planning to adopt me and they'd visit me in Kelantan. I am so touched :') I am so blessed with loving friends around me. In this case, loving friend's parents too :)

Well, Ramadhan is just around the corner. Time for self-cleansing. Did so many wrongful things for the past few months. Not going to repeat them anymore. Self-control upgraded to level 9000!

Monday, July 16, 2012

burp

Twitter. Honestly, I'm still hazy about this thing. Since I had been giving that same excuse of "I just don't have the time to manage another social networking account", to the girls, now it sort of backfired and since I'm too free now, they forced me to make an account there. Ah well, let's give it a week or so. Well the thing with these kind of websites is the risk of facing peer pressure. And see, I'm that type of person who can't give less damn about others (except my close family and friends of course) - hence the reason I prefer blogging. I don't think I want to change that part of me though.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

first phase of recovery

RJ)(#_!(#+@#_)*(*R@)_I#!!! I actually left my USB cable in that car (by the way it's in Nilai and I'm in Shah Alam now) and now my handphone is dead. Scumbag brain.

'Anger'. Honestly, that's refreshing. I'd rather feel this than those constant sadness, disappointment, and regret. "Go back, have fun as much as you want. Then, come back and give your all", my senior, Alia told me when I consulted her previously.


These ladies - they stayed by my side through thick and thin, even when I became a worse person. "Screw it, I'm sick of being a nice girl after all this shit", I said to them. Instead of judging me, they just replied, "Agree, agree", and we laughed it off. For some reasons, I'm just too scared of telling some things to the others, but when it comes to these people, I just pour out everything (well, except secrets I vowed to keep to myself). And to just have empty conversations - I am at ease. Thank you, Kishie, Hannah, and May. Me gusta each one of you.


This guy, he really put up with all my crap. Seriously! Who on earth would listen to this pathetic whiner when he's sick and his house is a black hole of communication? He's there whenever I need him the most, always. All the time. Even when I was sobbing and mumbled, he didn't tell me that he couldn't understand half of the things I said. Two days in a row, and still he was there, supporting me. I feel blessed to have him in my life. Thank you, Hanif :)


My elder sister - Wani, an amazing writer and a dedicated lecturer. Honestly, listening the stories of her students - I felt like giving a bitchslap to every one of them and yet she just said, "Aku tak sampai hati lah nak buat macam tu kat diorang". She welcomed me as usual as if nothing happened. I love you, sister :')

In eight hours, I'll be going to Genting Highlands for a vacation with Along and Kak Sue. Awesome siblings I have. Thank you, Allah, for lending these people to me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

shit happens

Ironic, isn't it? I was the project manager for last year's graduation night and I don't even get to attend mine. Fiza, the promise I made - that with God's will we shall meet up with a smile on our face during our convocation day - I am sorry that I'm incapable of fulfilling that. I helped a few people by providing patients for some procedures they are lacking at and in the end, I lacked just because I missed out a few things. Well, lesson learned - you can never trust anyone, not even the logbooks, to tell you about every single rule there is. You'll just have to find out about them on your own. Medical problems or not, they don't mean a thing even if you get warded. In the end, being active, getting an A, going for whatever activity the university sent you do not matter. Regrets, regrets, when will I get tired of them?


Today, after Subuh prayer, I took a nap only to wake up later to my friend, Yueming's message. For the first time ever, I told a soul about my worst fear of having to extend my clinics to six months - being ignored by my friends. His reply was gentle and assuring. I cried again for a few minutes and stopped abruptly. I guess I got tired of working my lacrimal glands. Then many phone calls and text messages started to swarm me. It's not that I am ignoring them purposely, but really, my phone credit ran out within a couple of days. "See, everyone cares", Hanif said. My parents bought me the first flight ticket back home when I told them my appeal was rejected. They have been very supportive. Azizah and Bella both reminded me repeatedly not to do foolish things. They're well versed about my previous history of self-inflicted injury. Frankly, I've been thinking about it these two days. Knowing myself well, I disposed all sharp instruments present in my room. Kucheng said she doesn't want to see me being depressed all over again. I fear that black hole, but this time, I have everybody's support. I hope that is enough to ward it off.


Closed my eyes and tried to recall all the memories I have of Alia, Kak Miza, Kak Marni, Kak Farhana, and Kak Mastura - who all had to extend six months due to the same reason as mine. They had never showed their sadness to us. In fact, they're always there to teach us whenever we're clueless about anything. I wish I can be that positive. If not now, at least when the time needs me, I wish I can be a person who can smile, brighten up the others, help them if I am able to, but you know... in the end, I'm bugged by a question - can I help others when my condition is like this?


May Allah and time make this wound less painful than it is now. Alhamdulillah I somewhat love gathering knowledge. So I guess now I have six more months to top up my knowledge - the only thing I am absolutely positive about.

Monday, July 9, 2012

you're gonna see more of me

Apparently, I have six more months to attend clinics. I was shocked when I received the news, but yeah... I guess one shall never mess up with dental public health. I overlooked a few things - my most major mistake this time, some rules I never knew existed. Although I had finished up my conservative dentistry and prosthodontics requirements, I guess I'll have to do more of them now. I promised myself that I'd approach this more positively if it happened. Well I guess this promise is the hardest one to hold on to. A promise is really something I cherish, but so far I had not cried for only four hours these couple of days. These eyes are beyond recognition now. Too swollen perhaps.

I hadn't eaten for two days. Made a silly oath today. Won't be eating anything until I reach home tonight.

I just hope I won't fall into that black hole this time. Oh Allah, please grant me strength to face this test. My personal adviser will be on sabbatical leave this August. When the deputy dean said he'd shuffle it, Assoc Prof Dr Azizah took up the task. She hugged me as I left the office. Although I was crying out of disappointment, I somewhat regret that I didn't get to tell her that I am deeply grateful for this.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

truly, madly, deeply

I lost my money today - an amount that's enough to affect my weekly budget. Looked for it everywhere, asked every single soul I could ask. Guess no indulging myself much this week. I had a fight with a friend. The same old thing, and I was rained with accusations - most of them I had never imagined myself saying or doing. The funniest part of it is, a few of them are too absurd that I am now suspecting something else about this lad - which I shall keep to myself. I am down with pharyngitis since yesterday too. The weather in Kelantan has been going hectic these few days. Extremely hot in the afternoon and ice cold late in the evening and night due to rainstorm. No wonder a number of my colleagues had more masculine voice just like mine today when we met at our dental school this morning for Dr Sarliza's radiography class. Tomorrow, a meeting will be attended by our lecturers to decide on which student to be barred from the final professional exams. I am anxious about it, especially when we received a news saying attitude, knowledge, and our performance during clinical sessions matter a lot this year. 


Come to think of it... I have many reasons to be restless or unhappy this very second, but Alhamdulillah, I've been feeling more positive since that fight. Every single time I get involved in such fight, I'd feel like I'm the worst human being, my mood would go down the drain, I'd start doing stupid things and hate myself, and it's my own fault that I made myself so vulnerable while the other person gets to enjoy his/her life. My old self was stupid enough to listen to those nonsense. Yes. NONSENSE that consumed my precious time and emotions. Ah well. That's history now. Awww YEAHHH (Lt. Horatio's style)!!


You know how some people have that aura that makes you feel at ease and calm? Well that's what I felt whenever I look at my father, Dr Sarliza, or Dr Hany Ahmad, the phD of endodontics student who also happens to be one of our lecturers. I felt as if I am the dirtiest person on earth, like I don't deserve every single thing that I have today. For the past few months, I had been feeling lost and I tried to find peace and distracted myself by doing useless things. So I decided to turn things around. I apologised to a few significant souls, cleaned up myself as thoroughly as I could, and a few more things which I shall not write here. I decided to make my room a more enjoyable place. Thanks to my paediatric patients who had been bathing me with gifts this past fortnight, I arranged them neatly in my room just to boost up my spirit and to remind me that whatever happens, I must strive and give my best in this pursuit to become a safe and responsible dentist.


 

At last, I could stay in my room, enjoying a good cup of coffee and a piece of Secret Recipe's white chocolate macadamia cake


without feeling like running out and just drive and hangout somewhere. "Kau ni tak reti duduk diam (you really can't stay put, Ira)", my mother used to say to me. Well, time to learn to do so :) Today, while I was doing my Maghrib solat, a wave of sadness and guilt claimed me. I also dreamed of something terrible two days ago and I woke up feeling tremendous fear. I ended up crying again. Although I forgot my Creator so many times, the One and only never forgets us.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

tough call

With all this medical knowledge I have (although somewhat superficial), I wonder what should I do in such situation. When a person's behaviour and thought somewhat deviate statistically... I'm thinking of personality disorders, but I'm not sure how to proceed from here. Indeed the worst thing about it is poor insight. How can you convince a person who recognises his/her abnormal behaviour as a norm. A tough call it is.

My weakest point is my loyalty towards my friend. Wani kept reminding me not to fall for it repeatedly. I get hurt easily due to this. Earlier this morning, something similar happened again. I wanted to cry, but I'm somewhat numbed already. Again and again the same old shit keeps repeating itself. Then, Alhamdulillah, I somehow got the strength to face it. Delusion of guilt, you may leave now. Although I recovered from major depressive disorder long time ago, I somehow still have that delusion of guilt. I blame myself for every single thing that goes wrong. Although I might not express the words suggesting so, I do blame myself secretly. That's why I'm afraid of saying no to anyone's request or whenever I get into any argument, surrendering or running away seem to be my escapism. Nonetheless, learning things the hard way somehow works on me. I'm not going to let myself being manipulated anymore. Not again. No more blaming myself too much in the future.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

all out literally




Well, during this past fortnight, I passed out, vomited more than thrice, got severe migraine (and I had never had that before), ran here and there running after lecturers for signatures, ditched my regular swimming session, and etc. "You're gonna pengsan la fifth year", I remember my senior, Mong, telling me many months ago. Now that's left is only my paediatric dentistry requirements which shall be settled tomorrow, insya Allah.

Special thanks to a friend who helped me in completing most of my requirements. I... just hope that he'll stop thinking that I'm hanging out with him for my own selfish reasons. Really, I truly appreciate your company these past few months.

Special thanks to Dr Sarliza too. She really burns all her energy to help us fifth year students in this mission. Eventhough we're desperately running out of manpower in the paedodontics department, Dr Zuliani and Dr Sarliza really gave their all to help us even if it means supervising more than twenty kids in a session. I'm really touched and grateful from the bottom of my heart. USM, please hire more paedodontists. I really feel sorry for all my colleagues, my lecturers, as well as myself for such embarrassing problem an Apex university shouldn't have had.

I... really want to graduate as soon as possible. In the past fortnight, Alhamdulillah, I amazingly completed three units of fixed prosthodontic items. For that, I shall never forget the good deed my dental technologists done - En Saiful and Puan Azizah, you guys really make superb crowns and bridges. Their margin always go flush with my crown preparation. En Kudin, you made it possible to issue two units of partial cobalt chrome denture within a week. Really. You're amazing.

For some uncomprehensible reasons, I was not confident at performing root canal treatment when I was in my fourth year, hence, the reason all of my root canal treatment requirements fulfilled within my fifth year. To a special patient who patiently comes to the dental clinic numerous times... thanks for letting me perform a root canal treatment, post and core, anterior porcelain bonded to metal crown, and two units of partial cobalt chrome denture on you. I am truly grateful to have such cooperative patient.

Not forgetting my two little patients whom one of them although is only four year old, underwent eight extractions, two crown cementations, one pulp therapy, and received a Nance appliance. You're really the strongest kid I've ever known so far. And they have the most motivated parents I've seen so far in my life.

To another dental technologist, although I was angry towards you from time to time for causing me to do all the labworks by myself, I am grateful because because of you, I can say that I'm good at doing labworks now. And fast at them too :) Nonetheless, your gum work is always fantastic. Seriously.

Well, now, time to finish those little requirements left and insya Allah graduate in the nearest possible time.