Wednesday, August 29, 2012

unexpected strength


While I was unpacking my stuff after moving into my new room, I found this little guy - a miniature of the first mandibular molar tooth which I carved out of a chunk of wax four years ago (it was an assignment). I smiled. Alhamdulillah, I already coped with everything and adjusted myself to this new environment - same old clinics, new staff nurses, new patients, my new room which is located on the third floor of DM1, my lecturers' shocked expression at seeing me in the university, and so many more.

The first tutor I saw as I entered the dental school building was Dr Manal. "MasyaAllah, I've been wanting to call you. I even got your number from your colleague, but I was worried you were too sad to talk about it. I thought that you don't deserve this. 'She's so active in clinics', I said to the others", she said while patting me on my arm. "Don't worry, Dr Manal, I'm not going to put this to waste. I'm looking forward to try many new techniques that I had learned from textbooks all these while", I smiled at her. I'm really fond of her. She doesn't discriminate students based on their ability to suck up to lecturers' arse. Having to say this, personally, I don't like doing that. To me, of course, you have to be diplomatic, but the quality of your work is much more important. And I love intelligent arguments, but somehow, some people prefer lashing back and take things emotionally. Some might even think of you as a stuck up person - a third world mentality.

The past three days had been somewhat tiring as I had to move so much of my stuff (I ended throwing away a quarter of them) all the way from the first floor to the third floor and since I plan to finish my requirements early rather than panicking later as I did previously, I took in many patients. Many more than I did during my first few weeks of fifth year a year ago. Nevertheless, this time I decided to rearrange my life, my daily routine that hopefully will result in a less stressful time. Alhamdulillah, today, things started to show positive result. Pumped up for days to come :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

time to become a big girl

23rd August marks my birthday. After five years of studying in USM, never once did I get to celebrate it with my Subang friends and this year was the first. Went to Empire to get a bag and undies as my flight back to Kelantan was scheduled to be on the next day. I texted Hakam (who till now hasn't introduced his girlfriend to me. Kedekut!) and Hannah.


Had my daily dosage of caffeine at Starbucks and met Melissa there. She's flying to London next month. All the best, girl!

Later that day, we headed to Italiannies, Subang Empire, and these lovelies celebrated my birthday.

Left to right: May, Epa, me, Kishie, and Hannah 


I was surprised with a pavlova, but the waiters made me do stupid stuff beforehand. I was asked to stand on a chair - during which I was terribly worried that it'd just fall apart from sustaining my full weight haha! And I even had to blow candles from far away and I was worried I'd start making my own mini rain of saliva and spray it on Hannah and Awie. Epa paid for everything, aaaa, thank you, my personal pharmacist! Epa, May, Hannah, Kishie, and Awie, thank you for everything. The best one so far, period. My chest was heavy as I hugged the girls. I wanted to cry, but I knew it's better not to make things worse.


Change of topic.


24th Aug 2012. This day has arrived - time to fly back to Kelantan. I am not going to lie, it's something that I didn't look forward to at all. Was Whatsapp conferencing with the girls till 4 o'clock in the morning - I didn't want to put the few hours left at home to waste. I didn't even sleep voluntarily. By the time I woke up to pack up my stuff at 6 o'clock, I was holding my handphone and lying in the living hall. The TV was left on, perhaps I was afraid of feeling lonely. My luggage was ready, took a good half an hour of cold shower (warm water aggravates my eczema), and I sat silently for awhile after that. "Goodbye, home", I said to myself silently and I walked towards Along's car and left for the airport. Got myself King William Chocolate at Boost - one of my favourite drinks. I didn't want to think much, so I slept during the whole flight to Kelantan.

*DUNNN!* Another bumpy landing performed by an AirAsia pilot. "Ah!!!!", I exclaimed, as my neck flexed forcefully. Two passengers sitting beside me looked at me concernedly. "Are you, okay?", one of the guys asked. I just nodded. I wish I could say to them, "This is nothing compared to what I'm feeling now". Took a cab to the university. Crap, it was so hot. Musim kemarau. I usually fall sick during such season. My immunity is puny liddat :P

As soon as I reached USM, I called Jijah - one of my close friends in Kelantan. I promised her a treat. She really helped managing so many stuff I left undone a month ago. Thank you, Jijah :) I entered my old room. This is it, huh? It's for real now. I must be strong and go through these six months to come.

I received a few messages wishing me all the best for this extension. Thank you, people. I shall try my best. I... must be strong. A cyber pal, Zakk, and my good friend, Yiying, gave me a mini lecture on how bad self-injurious act is. Yeah, I shall bear in mind those advices. I'll try my best to be happy. I shall cherish everything that I still have. For a start, I had eliminated people who are too much of a liability to me. Those who had been taking advantage on me. Those who had caused me pain much more than happiness. I'm done with being used.

It's raining now. Alhamdulillah.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Kampong Semaloi, Muar, dan Johor Bharu


From left to right: Syafiq, Wani, Ayah, Umi, me, Along, Kak Sue


Ah well, my break is really coming to its end soon. My flight back will be at 10.20am on 24th August, insya Allah - exactly one day after my birthday. This sucks! Nevertheless, I'd say that this is the most well-spent break I've ever had so far :) Got to spend the whole Ramadhan with my friends and family. Got to spend the first few days of eid with my extended family. The somewhat awkward moment when everyone's asking for your opinion in both medical and dental aspects and you're still a student, not yet certified - but I'm grateful to be able to help them at least a minute part of it.

Managed to snap a picture of the famous mi bandung Muar Tanjung Agas

Raya celebration in Muar (my mother's hometown) is not complete without a hunt for mi bandung Muar, a delicacy each one of you should try, honestly, but ah well, we always end up eating at the same shop - Mi Bandung Muar Tanjung Agas. It's located near Sekolah Menengah Asrama Sains Muar. Go look for it, guys!


While Umi, Ayah, and I were visiting my late grandparents and greatgrandparents' grave, a thought struck me - will I have children or maybe relatives wishing my well-being in afterlife in the future, when this spirit has detached from its container? Something for us to ponder. Ayah said something that really bugged me, "Kalau Umi dan Ayah pergi dulu, awak adik-beradik semua tahu ke nak buat apa? Ke mana patut mayat kami dihalakan? Macam mana solat jenazah? Macam mana nak uruskan semuanya? Sedekahkan kami dengan doa-doa?". Alhamdulillah, my younger brother, Ahmad, is well-equipped with religious knowledge, but I believe that it's the responsibility of each and every one of us. I am going to be honest, when Ayah forwarded me those questions, I couldn't answer all of them (of course, I started studying on these once I got back home). Yang paling sedih, sampaikah doa-doa dan sedekah-sedekah saya pada waktu itu?


My trip back home from Muar, along with my parents was filled with Ustaz Azhar Idrus's talks (which made all of us giggle repeatedly), my playlist which I customised to feature songs that Umi likes, Hafiz Hamidun's Zikir Terapi Diri, and traffic jams along the PLUS highway. We called PLUS Infoline a few times and were put on hold for so long that it reminded me of a similar incident involving a USM operator during which I had to wait more than 3 minutes before getting connected to a lecturer. I was mumbling, "Hurrrr, takde orang keee kat situuu? Angkat leee angkat leeee, ponek eden nunggu ni jang", and suddenly an operator picked up the phone and snapped, "HOI!! Ingat orang takde kerja ke?!", back at me. Terkejut beruk aku! Taubat tak bebel masa tunggu operator angkat dah.



Guess what? My tailor didn't finish sewing my baju kurung this eid. Alhamdulillah I brought a pair from Kelantan. Baju kuliah pun baju kuliah lahhh. Ada baju pun dah cukup syukur. Orang susah yang lain nak ada baju raya pun tak tergamak nak fikir. They shall not be forgotten though.

Wani, Syafiq, Along, and Kak Sue will be coming tomorrow to celebrate Umi's (27th Aug) as well as my birthday :) We'll be having a BBQ weeeee and Umi gave me the green light to bake a cake of my choice. Weeee againnnn! Time to put that Big Book of Baking book Wani gave me a week ago to use. Come to think of it... this is my first time celebrating it with my family throughout these five years of DDS. Oh, Allah, thank You thank You thank You.

As my buddy senior told me, "Just have as much fun as you want, spend your break maximally, and give all you can when you start your extension period". True that :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Eid mubarak to all


Ramadhan had left us once again, ushering the month of Syawal in. As usual, the annual raya trip to Kampong Semaloi, Endau, is a must. On my father's side, there are more than sixty cousins as Ayah has 12 siblings including himself. Each raya, half of them will be around during this first day of Syawal, making this humble village a livelier place. I previously thought that after all those horrible events I wouldn't want to be in such environment. That I'd just like to sulk and wait for the days to pass, but who knows... I actually found peace in this.

Something is amiss this eid. I'm not sure what exactly it is. Maybe the presence of Ahmad and Wani? Maybe it's my significantly changed innerself? The most disturbing part is... I felt like I'm going to regret something, just a hunch. Nothing more.

Reciting the takbir during eid is something I usually anticipate. I begged in my heart that I will not stray from the right path much more than I already am. I closed my eyes, and joined all of my relatives, reciting it as well as holding a small tahlil for those who had passed away. Slowly, my heart quivered. I felt a rare sense of happiness and relief in me. Jangan sampai pintu hatiku tertutup. I fear this possibility. Alhamdulillah, it is still able to accept and digest all that is righteous. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I remember a conversation I had with a new friend. There's a spot in me that I had neglected for a long time came to life. Whatever he said made me feel like I should be more humble, like the person he is. And I know then that I should be in a balanced state. And this person as well as Fiza helped me to achieve this state in some ways I can't fully comprehend. It's still a long journey, but I believe that life is not about 'all or none' law. Doesn't mean you can't achieve perfection at something you should ditch it for good.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

late night thoughts

This break is about to come to its end. 

"Ceritakan sayang, hari-hari yang telah kau lalui..
.. Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku"- Tunjukkan Padaku by Sheila on 7

I wonder if I will one day find that one person that'll be my 'pelindung'... that is if I can find a person who can bear my annoying self for more than a week. "Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidupku yang malang", again an excerpt from Sheila on 7's song. 

Forever alone sungguh. Hmph.

Friday, August 17, 2012

i'm a nag

Look, I haven't slept for a day, and Umi told me that our balik kampung plan is changed. We're going to Kampung Semaloi, Endau, (my father's side) tomorrow instead of the day after. This also means I had to go to KL with Umi this very morning. So you know what happens when you're getting lack of sleep - emotional rage!

My ears might not be very sensitive but my nose surely is. The first thing I noticed as I stepped out of the car was the roads were reeking of garbage. Soon, I smelled fried chicken. The roads were crowded as hell although it was only 9am. And then there were loud music everywhere and within half an hour, I became nauseated. I'm really not a shopaholic person and the last place I'd like to shop at will be a crowded place. If it's up to me, three shops are my maximum limit. If I can't find what I already set my mind to buy by then, I'd just give up and head home.

The traffic was so congested and everyone was driving as if a tsunami was just a few feet behind them. As usual, I became Umi's luggage carrier (I have no idea what's the proper term for this job). So after waiting for almost 20 minutes for an elevator (I'm quite sure I had never witnessed any slower elevator than the one in Sogo) and I was handful with five humongous plastic bags and gosh it felt like I was doing some weight-lifting workout, a group of people who each of them was only carrying one tiny plastic bag, if not none, decided to cut the queue. "Cepat, cepat masuk (hurry, get in the elevator)", they said to each other. I finally ran out of patience and snapped, "Seronoknya tunggu lif dengan barang-barang semua ni (it's fun to wait for the elevator with all these stuff I'm carrying)", and just proceeded to an escalator instead.

Next while I was browsing a few shelves for a quilt cover for my bed, I was agitated to hear three sales assistants chit-chatting so loudly that I started to get headache. I have this weird partial deafness that makes me less sensitive to low pitch sound and extra sensitive to high pitch sound, hence the reason my headache developed after listening to such noise. I passed the quilt cover I chose to one of them. She didn't smile, said thank you, or show any courteous gesture at all. "You must be having a fun time chit-chatting just now because you got so loud that I even got headache hearing your conversation", I snapped. She just smiled at me and continued chit-chatting.

I was obviously exhausted. So I headed to a chair which seemed to be vacant except for a lady's book placed there. I apologised and asked her whether the chair is available, if I could sit on it. That lady just looked at me, basically ignoring me as well, and started dialing some numbers and talked on her phone loudly. I got pissed off that I picked the book up and put it on her lap and sat down. She was talking so loud that I started to get headache again. I asked her politely to tone down, but as previously, she ignored me. I became uh... 'psycho'? I started playing funny videos on my phone and laughed loudly that she got annoyed and went somewhere else.

Now what kind of a fucked up place has KL came to be? I'm going to be honest. I don't like Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman (Jalan TAR) at all. These are my reasons. Every year, our raya shopping time will be the exact thing that I dread. I'm not even good at bargaining with shoppers because I usually end up feeling sorry for them.

It wasn't a fun trip, I'd say.

happy birthday, Kitssss



17th August - It's Kishie's 24th birthdayyyy! Happy birthday, pretty lady, Roslyna Balkish binti Rosly (now there!)! And yes, you're still the prettiest, rest assured :) It was an impromptu celebration actually. Received Hannah's text this evening and there I was, on my way to pick up May and Kishie in Subang Jaya from Nilai. Celebrated this lady's birthday along with Epa, Ozz, Hannah, and Awy. I can't exactly remember when I last celebrated any of this girls' birthday. I was usually in Kelantan. 

Come to think of it... how did this strange feelings of comfy and security linger whenever they are around? I am that rather rigid-minded, not so ladylike (no I'm not that into window shopping, chic flicks, and make ups), sometimes awkward for no reason, and etc. Opposite attracts - even when it comes to a friendship. It's mentally tiring to have the same bunch of rigid people around, and to just listen and watch them enjoying everything somehow makes me feel at ease. I can choose not to be myself, break free from my norm whenever I want to and they will not be judgmental and condemning. I am very grateful that Allah is lending them to me. They're one of the few reasons I am still sane up till today.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

post-torture day 1

Selempang selendang saja (very prominent eye bag, yes, I just woke up, tak mandi pun lagi ngaahahaha)

Umi thought that I needed a facial treatment. Honestly, I don't give much damn about my facial skin care, because hahaaaaaa, clinics are more important (tiba-tiba muka serius). Basically, that's my selfish reason. So yesterday, I was dragged to Taipan and had it done there. No, I had never experienced such thing in my life, and hell NO, It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced so far, hands down, even a root canal treatment with failure of achieving pulpal anaesthesia couldn't beat it! No shit, my tear dropped spontaneously when they did it on my nose. I was chanting, "Please someone get me the fuck out of here, please someone shoot me now, please someone, just burn me to death (referring to a gore incident two days ago involving a 16-year old girl... I shouldn't make jokes about this)", silently. When they replaced that damned instrument-of-torture-only-meant-for-prisoners-a-hunder-years-ago with another one that emits cold vapour, I exclaimed, "Sweet, mother of nectars, Alhamdulillah!", and the beautician laughed. Since I was restraining myself from screaming out of pain, I got exhausted later and fell asleep. So, I didn't have any idea what she did afterwards. When I woke up, I noticed my eyebrows shaped much more and...


... I can almost swear my facial expression was like this. Whyyyyyyyyy? See, I don't like to shape them too much. Now I feel like I'm a freaking female satan... or something. And the red marks which resulted from that episode of torture on the right side of my face haven't disappeared yet, but the beautician said it'll only take a day for it to disappear. Theoretically, 28 hours had passed and...



...yes, 70% of them had disappeared and another 30% still persist and I'm terribly worried if they'd start to end up as brown skin pigmentations. So, yes, red marks, I'M WATCHING YOU!

As a summary, I shall think more than twice about undergoing another cycle of facial treatment in the future. The beautician did inform me that the pain was intense because it's my very first time and the followings will not be as painful as this. Mayhap mayhap.

On a completely different note, Kishie and Hannah's birthdays are drawing sooo nearrr and so is eid ul-fitr! This might be the loneliest eid celebration for me as there are only Umi, Ayah, and I. Wani and Along might not join us. I is sads. "Siapakah yang sudi, menghulurkan simpati, kepada Ira yang sunyi", singing Black Dog Bone's song to my elder siblings.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

sahur

We were having sahur and the day before, Ayah was trying the new breadmaker he just bought. So the next morning, it's my job to take the freshly-baked bread loaf out of it.

Ira (my family nickname): Eh, mana pergi blade mixer ni (confused as all I could see was a hole at the bottom of that bread. Didn't try to palpate it to feel a blade embedded in the loaf)
Umi : Ha, breadmaker yang ni memang elok sikit, dia tak pakai blade. Very good.
Ira : Fuiyooo. Ingatkan benda ni wujud kat labs je - magnet mixer. Cool siot.
Umi : Oh, dia pakai magnet ke (revealing that she actually had no idea as well)
Ayah : (his facial expression was a mixture of annoyed and amused) Teruknya korang berdua ni!
Ira & Umi : (looked at him in confusion)

The mystery was revealed after I finished slicing it. Mehhhh. The blade was embedded in the loaf after all.

As mentioned before, I shall fly back to Kelantan in another fortnight. I had been hesitating on purpose all my scholarship extension, room allocation, and flight ticket booking. In a way, I didn't want to accept the fact that I have to go back there. Suddenly, Azizah, my coursemate, texted me that she already managed everything for me. My tear dribbled down my cheek again. I thanked her repeatedly. If it was up to me, I think I'd push everything to last minute because I just don't want to go back there. Procrastination. I need to change this terrible habit. Nonetheless, her reply was simple - she just wanted to see me happy. Thank you, friend. Thank you :') And because of these few souls, I'm going to fight hard and finish this thing that I started. I hope she'll be posted somewhere around in Kelantan. There's no one that can sing to Viva La Vida by Coldplay there with me, but her. Or perhaps Mika's Grace Kelly. Who would've thought an innocent-looking girl like this would enjoy listening to A7X's A Little Piece of Heaven as well? Hihi, that's after me replaying that song again and again in my car and later I noticed her singing to it. Mission accomplished!

Azizah, me loves yuuuuu

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

cold shower


Nilai Impian sure is far. I reached home from Subang Jaya at around 1am. I decided to just 'cruise' along this time and for the first time ever, I didn't reach 170kmph. Somewhat proud of myself hur hur. Nevertheless, the trip took about 40minutes to be completed and overall fuel consumption was 9.2l/100km. That's more than my usual trips! It used to be 8.9l/100km. Perhaps speeding up in the future is more time-saving and cost-effective.

For the first time ever during this Ramadhan, I went to a bazaar and bought myself a meal for iftar. Beli kuih pernahlah, tapi makanan berat tak pernah lagi. Somehow I prefer cooking for my family myself. And then Kerol, my childhood friend, suggested to eat it at a food court in Carrefour. Somehow I got excited because that was my first time doing so. Ezmeer couldn't join us. Jumpa client la tu. Hmphh. And then I got to meet my Subang girl friends - Kishie, Epa, and Hannah :) I really love these people (including May but she couldn't join us :( ), alright, you may insert the gay seal here.

Time flew this break. There is only a fortnight left before flying back to Kelantan. Seeing these ladies isn't just 30minutes of drive away anymore. A sigh escaped. Only six months left and insya Allah, I shall complete this mission. Then, I shall be home for good. This time, I made myself swear not to repeat the same mistakes - no more giving too much face to those who don't deserve it - who are too much of a liability - an unstable entity that may add up more damage to whatever I am already sustaining now. Time to achieve balance. Indeed, "Buat baik berpada-pada (there's a limit to being kind to others)", according to a Malay saying. Those who had been helping me throughout this recovery, I shall keep them close. O

Sunday, August 5, 2012

plug in that charger

To see people around me smiling happily means almost everything to me. I'd try my best to please people, so that they'd feel comfortable, but I seemed to forget one thing - it comes to a cost - negative feelings need to be pushed aside. I had never thought of my other option - to open up to others. These couple of months really made that limbic system in my brain - the emotion part - to reboot.

Ada hikmahnya.

Yes, I believe in this. A received words of sorry from so many people. Thank you. Nonetheless, you know how some people would just love to rub salt onto others' wound and enjoy watching their reaction? Perhaps sensibility is not a part of their vocabulary. I made it a point to distance myself from this type of people. I have got to live for myself and fight for happiness. I need people with whom I am able to share both parties' happiness and sadness. Inferiority and superiority complexes - I'm done dealing shits coming from people suffering from this and get bashed on instead. I don't mind a person having these, but please don't make me a punchbag. I'm battered enough, thank you. And this is the reason I'm running away from you. You find bliss and comfort in others' distress. You can't bear others getting something more than you do. That's evil. That's just pure evil. Envy. Don't let it conquer you more than it already did.

"You don't have to hold up when you face people who bring you negativity more than they bring you positivity. Push these people out of your life. It's because you keep holding onto them that your emotions are very much dependent on how they treat you, how they think of you. If they're too much of a liability, then you don't need these people", my psychiatrist told me during a counselling session.

Change of topic.

YOU! Stop sending me those stupid requests on Facebook! Stop bugging me for God's sake. Can't you see it? I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore! You caused enough damage. One more fucking request just to prove you're religious when I know your real hideous sinful self, I'll just delete you and knowing you, you make a fucking big deal out of every-fucking-thing and you're always presumptuous. Don't you get it? You play a very minor role in my life. I just acted nice because I am sympathetic at how sad your life is. You work so fucking hard to impress others and live by stupid principles and custom that revolves around impressing people. That's the dumbest custom I had learned of. And for fuck's sake I hope I will not need to deal much more of that shit, because truth to be told, I didn't enjoy any part of it. You had to live a double life just to enjoy things without your partner knowing? You're fucking pathetic. Now, get the fuck off my life.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

eat pray love

Aizan's husband at the front, I was sitting on a plantar across the coral reef (that dark patch in the middle)

I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love... again. It lead to a thought - which place feels homey the most? Where did I find peace? I'd go with islands. I love listening to the sound of waves and resetting my visual receptors by looking at the clear blue sea. Swimming deep into the sea when I know the depth is at least 5 meters there, as if there's a completely alien world down there, swimming along schools of fish. I enjoyed those spontaneous dives into the sea to find turtles and baby sharks (I swam along five baby sharks and they weren't even afraid or swam away). Swimming calms me down. That's why I went to Perhentian Island about six times already now. I love being there. I love the slow-paced life and knowing that the coral reef is just a number of strokes away. And when you've swam enough, a plantar is there for you to sit on and just breathe in and smell the sea. If I'm given the option without anyone influencing me, I'd choose a place near a good island. Imagine getting to swim like this after a tiring day at clinics. Darn, I want that life. In the meantime, I need to get enough money to get my scuba diving licence. I just want to see more of everything. Insya Allah :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

starburst

I wish I'm a robot, so I may function optimally without the limbic system constantly hindering me.

So those photos are starting to come up on my Facebook notice board. Those are the events I missed. Those are the things I unconsciously chose to let go. Regrets, regrets, regrets. I rested my head against these pillows. A sigh escaped. Oh God, how longer will this go on. Getting trapped in this black hole of uncertainty sure is getting sickening. Confusing isn't it how our body reacts in different conditions. I'd be filled with self-loathing so much that at times purging becomes impossible to hold back.

I think I lost a good friend. In the end, no one can tolerate this self-destructive jackass. There's no place for you in this world, Zahirah. Give up that hopeless dream. I seem to be a highly negative-charged entity that steals every being's electrons. By the time they realise my pessimism is rubbing off on them, they'd flee. Flee... If only I too can flee from myself. It's never others' fault. It's me. I'm the problematic one. "You're sick", he said to me. I couldn't agree more. Perhaps he's true. I am sick after all.

Starburst - I lost it. 

I've been experiencing nightmares for four days in a row now. I would wake up, stunned. Again and again, frustration would overcome myself. Self-loathing keeps haunting back.

When I had those stuff Kishie dub as 'Osaka sweets', I really acted differently. For once, I didn't feel like myself. I kept apologising to Hannah during that time. "It's okay. You held back things for too long. You deserve a break", she said reassuringly.

I tried. I really tried to act positively around others. Someone told me if you act positively, eventually your mind will play along. Yeah, right, for about an hour or so and after that my serotonin level will drop again.

There seem to be no ending to this battle. Escaping it alive seems almost impossible. Hopefully I can make through this.