Wednesday, October 31, 2012

effort paying off



Do ignore my retarded facial expressions. So anyway, the picture on your left was taken about a year ago and the other one was taken recently. Alhamdulillah, I managed to shed off 20kg. There were a few factors contributing to this. First was the left knee injury I sustained from playing futsal plus my obesity, I was advised by a doctor to start reducing my weight or I might need to depend on medications soon. Second was my six-month extension. It was the biggest shock I have ever had so far in my life. Starved myself for four days, almost nil by mouth actually and by the time I started to regain my appetite, I couldn't eat as much as I did. Third was my refusal to be the first in my family to be diagnosed with hypertension or heart disease due to hyperlipidaemia (high blood lipid). The way my father eats, I secretly felt ashamed of myself. "Why am I such a pig?", I asked myself.

Initially I lessened the portion of each meal I consumed and yes, my weight started to reduce until it reached a plateau. I was initially grade I obese. And that only kicked my BMI down to overweight range. Then, I started to completely eliminate rice from my diet. That thing is so packed with calories. I started consuming pastas and noodles instead. Again, my BMI started to reduce, but it was still within overweight range. Apparently, I have a somewhat retarded metabolism. I don't even sweat after two laps of jogging and yes, I jogged consistently, four to five times weekly for two years straight. I started swimming (unfortunately my schedule is too hectic these days that I had to excuse myself from this as well as the swimming pool is closed at 7pm). My weight was static again, but I noticed my waist circumference reducing which means I was most probably losing fat and toning instead.

It took me one night of serious thinking to decide to change my lifestyle somewhat drastically. I worked really hard to reset my bedtime. I used to sleep at 2-3am and that is the exact time this tummy demands for food. "Why can others sleep before 1am and wake up early, while I can't? Surely I am actually able to do the same", I thought. Why did I sleep so late actually? I was busy sacrificing my sleeping time going out with people I didn't even enjoy being with. Elimination. I had to decide. I had to eliminate them because they didn't give me a way out. Alhamdulillah, it worked out. I started to go on a low carb high protein diet consisting of mainly fish and wholemeal bread and I give myself a break once weekly. Some people call it the 'cheat day', but my cheat day really is just Kenny Roger's quarter meal roasted chicken - the only deviation from my diet. Finally, I reached ideal BMI. Frankly, it's somewhat rocky because I'm actually near the borderline between overweight and ideal BMI. So I'm looking forward to lose another 4kg or so just to comfortably be in the ideal range. Although many thought that I am on some... I don't know... slimming products..? Nope. True, those might work too, but I don't want to be dependent on something like that. Personally, if I can work it on my own without the aid of certain things, I'd rather work my arse off then. Don't I get bored of this diet? Well did I get bored of eating food packed with calories? Vice versa.

Whatever it is, I noticed that fat from the upper body is going away much more obvious than my lower body. Sigh, thighs and arse, Y U NO DO ME JUSTICE?! Perhaps I should start working out if I want to tone those areas. One day, legs. One day.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

semalam

7.00pm, my hands were trembling, my knees felt weak, my legs were shaking, my superficial veins seemed like they were about to break through my skin. I looked at my palms, my skin was peeling off due to repeated usage of hand soaps and powdered latex gloves during the past couple of weeks. Sore. My shoulders were aching. As I arrived in my room, I fell onto my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. Went for shower and I crouched down. With all the water raining on me, I didn't notice my eyes welling up until later. Went back to my room and lied on the bed. "What have you got yourself into, Zahirah? You're not a superwoman", I was having a monologue. My eyes felt tired but they refused to just shut themselves and fall asleep. Again, my tears gently trickled down my cheeks. "Exhausted. I need to escape this lifestyle. It is too hectic and I don't have time for myself", my brain complained. I couldn't study because I haven't taken a break for so long that again, the brain refused to accept anything anymore. I need strength. I desperately need strength and a shoulder to cry on.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

love hate

This morning, I was really at the brink of my patience. Had a patient who gave me so many problems. I was wondering the reasons master students referred him back to KRK (Klinik Rawatan Keluarga) and KRK refused to treat him too. He challenged me, made rude remarks, and when I started to talk in more serious tone, he'd give me compliments. I understand this kind of patients too well, but little did I know that I almost cried this morning. I had to take five to calm myself down and punched a wall out of anger. Now that's a patient who doesn't appreciate free treatment USM provide him nor does he appreciate his operator's effort. "Ikhlas, Zahirah, ikhlas. Dia pernah ajar kau dulu", I whispered to myself silently, sending prayers to Allah asking for strength and patience.

I am actually working my arse off for another patient who is very cooperative. He is from lower socioeconomic group. Requested for filling on his upper front teeth and ended up getting more than half of his teeth extracted. He didn't know how to brush his teeth nor did he know how damaging carbonated drinks can be without proper oral hygiene care. Why did I give my all for his case? It's because he's getting married this November and I can't let si raja sehari experience his marriage with such sad dentition. Had only a month and more than ten tooth fillings needed to be done. I opened up Sturdevant's Art and Science of Operative Dentistry to study what's best for him. Prepared myself as much as possible in case I get sparred by my lecturers when I fill his teeth up - in which case if I couldn't answer any, my procedures would be hindered. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly with just minor glitches I managed fine. Now, I already began constructing his denture, hoping he could smile widely, ear to ear, during his marriage reception. At that time, I will be glad because I know I have contributed a little. Nevertheless, how much energy can a person have at a time? I accidentally fell asleep this evening while doing labworks for his denture and I was melting a wax at that particular time. My rubber glove was aflame and I woke up. Had to decide to go back to my room because I knew I'd collapse any time. True. The moment I reached my room I fell down. My knees just gave away themselves. Once I am into my work, I'd forget my meals and keep myself energised. A few minutes later I recovered and sat in front of this laptop to write this entry. I got myself a can of isotonic drink hoping that'd supply me enough strength to stay conscious. Alhamdulillah, my metabolism is somewhat low that I don't need to eat much or get hungry easily.

All these while, I had been thinking.. those lab-works which I had been doing myself rather than passing them to my dental technologists... when will they start to come in handy. Today, I grasped its significance. I have a love hate relationship with dentistry. At times, I'd cry because of it. At times, I'd feel grateful and be in bliss for the things I am able to do in this field. In the end, I always know that I am deeply in love with my job.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

grimy

I am trying to hold myself back so hard from posting 'memos' on the toilet wall. I am just so sick of that horrendous stink coming from improperly flushed toilet bowls and clogged sinks. Sigh, ladies, you will one day become someone's wife. If you can't take care of university properties, how on earth can you take care of yourself, and even someone else's life? Things started to bug my nerves when I woke up at 3.30 o'clock in the morning to their shrieks and laughter. Honestly, people? Seriously?! I don't fall asleep easily, nor do I wake up easily. It took me at least one and a half hour to fall back to sleep and I had to treat my patients with dark circles and super prominent eye bags (not to say that I don't have them normally) for the whole day. Kids, Y U NO MANNERS?!

Anyway, yay, I'm coming home, coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home. Ayah booked me flight tickets on 8th and 17th Nov, but eh, I'm going to miss my general dental practice (GDP) session on Thursday. Dear Dean, I can't really reschedule my flight because that'll cost my parents a lot of money and no, I didn't book them myself. My father did. Hee hee, sorry, I really don't skip classes anymore and I'm fixing my attitude problems as much as I can, but please, pretty please let me skip this one class. Perhaps I will write a formal letter to him tomorrow to appeal for a leave on that day. Yes, I should do that.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

sandwiched

What goes around comes around. I'm carefully placing the pieces of my chess to strike back. Don't force me to do it. I am just exhausted from fighting back that I chose to stay dormant. Nevertheless, one more move is enough to return to my hateful self. Honestly, you asked me to perform root planing on a controlled generalised chronic periodontitis patient? You're not even a periodontist, for God's sake. Still, I shall keep my eye on your next move. 

Look, I let whatever that had happened in the past go, and I forgave you for your every manipulative act and false accusations. Hopefully you can one day see that my patience has its limit too. I may not be able to hold myself back from reporting you if you push me further. So, man, don't play with fire. I can be a good friend to you, but I can easily turn into a fiend as well. Frankly, I'm already halfway through this transformation. It's just a matter of time for me to become a total bitch. For your information, whatever that's mine isn't for you to play around with or touch. Just because I am like this doesn't mean I'm interested in wrongful things. And you disgust the hell out of me.

Be professional. If you can't respect me or my colleagues, at least respect this field you're in.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

bitch please day


To those who still aren't aware of this meme, please do google it up yourself.

Well anyway, my day today is somewhat screwed up, not sure why. Darn, I'd be lying to say such thing, actually, I'm pretty sure its reasons, but you know what some said? Ignorance is bliss sometimes. So yeah, I'm going to have a 'bitch please' attitude today. Rather than pondering my misery, I'd rather sleep, get recharged and enjoy these few hours left of today.

Anyhoo, today, while assisting Dr Shawal, I noticed my pants being tugged. It turned out that the oral surgeon in charge, Dr Ramizu, was putting on my earphones which were dangling from my pockets and being the genius I am, I forgot to turn off my media player. The playlist that was on was 'St Anger', cliche much? And that contained all my metal songs - yes, I prefer to start my day with those. It grants me some sort of detachment from the ambiance this university has. "Eh, you guys, dia dengar lagu metal. EH! Ni thrash metal ni (sorry I'm a noob at grouping songs into genres, so I'm not quite sure what thrash metal is and I'm not quite interested in knowing more about it). You... you dengar lagu macam ni? Tak kena dengan muka", he said. Although his reaction was amusing, still... dafuq?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the silver lining is now appreciable

I remember our only endodontist, Dr Huwaina, coming to my dental cubicle and patted me on the shoulder saying, "Zahirah, be patient, there are reasons Allah made your journey this rough. Allah doesn't test you beyond your limits. There is a silver lining somewhere somehow and the more precious you are in Allah's eye, the more Allah shall test you", when she saw me frowning. There were so many things bugging my mind at that moment. I was waiting for something that I knew would never happen. I was anticipating changes in people who were as stubborn as a mule. I was being too kind that I was taken advantage on, repeatedly. I was always blaming myself for every single thing that went against or beyond my expectation. One weekend. One weekend was all it took for me to change my mindset. If I really want to be happy, stop depending on others to gain that. Avoid those who are too much of a liability. If necessary, break the friendship when avoiding isn't possible because you know what... in the end, it's how we think of ourselves that matters.

Of course, the people and events around us are great teachers. Others don't always return your kindness. I learned that the hard way, but those who do, keep them by your side. Don't always prioritise others over yourself. So I'm taking better care of myself, physically and emotionally, now. Happiness, I am here to embrace you. This time, for real.