Friday, November 30, 2012

melankoli

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay". I woke up to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's Your Guardian Angel. For reasons I can't completely comprehend, tears started streaming down my temporal area. Losing people I hold dear to my heart isn't something I particularly enjoy. In the same time, this thing is eating me up slowly and I don't want my heart to be damaged beyond repair. I'd rather back off when I know nothing more is possible, knowing the person you are. Please understand, I cherish my every friendship although for certain ones, I put up a solid wall, but friend, I am unsure whether when the time comes, when you're much more willing to let me go, will I be able to do the same without the inevitable heartache? Because you're always pretty selfish and I had been pushing aside my own need when it comes to you. So my principle is easy. The sooner the better.


To another friend, I understand things got ugly between us. I apologised so many times, but bear in mind. Three times is my maximum limit. Beyond that, don't even expect shit from me. I don't care whether you have been listening to that 'witch' because I am beyond that phase already. I don't care whatever that witch says, but surely I expected more from you. At least you had always been the wiser one. And today, you lost me.


I guess it's just from the lack of sleep. I hope tomorrow shall welcome the stronger and better me. And yet, I can't seem to stop these tears from trickling down. Mental-wise, the strength is shaky. I know I have always been playing the 'tough girl' role when I'm around someone, but today, I can't. I... just can't.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

late night thoughts

Unlike my normal days, today, my late night thoughts aren't heavily melancholic. I had a tiring day yesterday and I ended up falling asleep from 7.30pm till 10pm, hence explaining my bat-like sleeping pattern today. Attended a seminar which began at 8 o'clock in the morning till 6.30 o'clock in the evening, but I personally think that it's thoughtful of our lecturers to hold it. True, stress among undergrads are most highly recorded among dental students, but if you ask me, it's all thanks to our habit of procrastinating. The problem is most students cheat themselves, giving excuses simply to justify such ignorant habit, and in the end, they even fail to recognise this issue. During my pre-clinical years, we had seven to eight lectures per day and we don't receive lecture notes for quite a number of them. Still we managed to survive. As far as I'm concerned, newer batches had only four to five lectures per day and still, they grumbled. Year by year, the Ministry of Education has been trying to tackle this rotten learning trend. Everything is spoon-fed. You just memorise whatever the school gives you, vomit everything out during exams, remember nothing afterwards, and later you'll be blaming the school for not teaching you more applicable knowledge. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?! Look, this rotten learning issue has been going on forever and only God knows when it'll finally reach a turning point. Might as well make something positive out of it, right? What if I tell you that every single thing that was taught is actually applicable in real life? It's how you look at things basically. A simple example - dental students learning medical components - of course, it's not our bread and butter, but if you're less ignorant, you might see that one by one, systemic diseases are being related to dental disorders. And the mouth doesn't just come floating in the air without other body parts. And when you work, you feel insulted when your medical colleagues dis you by saying things like, "You know nothing but the teeth right?". Don't take it negatively and worse, accepting it wholly. Read more and show that your knowledge is actually beyond the oral cavity alone. Earn your respect. Don't force the idea into someone's mind. True, it's not like we're going to manage our patient's medical part, but will it not give you more confidence to handle your patients? At least you'll have a much much better idea on his/her condition.

My principle is simple. If you can't run away from something, just do it. You can grumble and share your problems, but don't let yourself be dragged by issues that you know you can't just change or solve. And most importantly, believe that you can be a change agent. Everyone has that potential. It's just the matter of deciding between to actually execute your thoughts or just let things pass without even attempting at changing them. If you can change it, even minutely, then try. If you really can't or aren't strong enough to do that, then stop being a spoilt brat and grumble EXCESSIVELY. You can come to me if you'd like get a kick in the arse and someone shouting, "You're not a freaking twelve year old kid anymore. You're a freaking ADULT!", directly at your ear. Look, I had to extend. Had a huge slap on my ego. I thought that although I scored alright for my papers (I had never failed any paper throughout these five years of studies), finished most of my requirements, others will let go of my attitude problem of skipping classes, failure to be punctual, and etc. It's my fault for being ignorant about that. Of course I was devastated at first and I complained as hell, but I didn't let myself drown in my sadness although it's inevitable to experience random intervals of breakdown once in awhile, but still... things had passed. Might as well make something good out of it. For a start, I had never gotten the chance to construct veneers, so I made it a mission to try doing those and Alhamdulillah, after relentless search, I found one suitable patient! And I'm still trying to improvise my techniques here and there. I even made a drastic decision to apply for a single bedroom although I had a major problem with waking up early. "I should let myself be in such anxious state that it'll get a reboot", I said to myself. I came back three days earlier to make sure that I have enough time to become more anxious gradually, hence, forcing myself to actually reboot its sleeping pattern. Then there's the old obese me. When others insulted me for my physical appearance, it'd be stupid to say that I didn't feel anything. Of course I felt sad and my metabolism is somewhat low. When I had to extend, I thought that I should really change myself.  Discipline. Be more disciplined. And to undergo a healthier diet also requires discipline. "Here goes, Zahirah. No more feeling sorry for whatever that has happened", I told myself. And up to date, within six months, Alhamdulillah, I already shed 24kg off my previous self and I'm within my ideal weight range (in comparison to my height). I had dumb leeches parasiting on me. Again. Discipline. "Here goes, Zahirah. No more feeling sorry for others", I forced myself. And I ditched them damn leeches. So basically I've been through shit. Some things, I don't even dare to write them here, but do I just feel sorry for myself? If I do that, I'd be down with depression once again, for the third time in my life. So no such shit anymore. Not for me.


If you don't want to change yourself and just expect everything to go your way, then why bother complaining?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Kelantan roads

With my nephew, Ikhlas

It has been barely a week since I left home for Kelate (once again) and I'm already missing my nephew, Ikhlas, so badly. Anyway, Along came to Kelantan to get his teeth fixed by me apart from bringing his wife, Kak Sue, for some shopping here. Of course, two sessions aren't enough to fix everything, but I'm pretty glad I finished critical parts of his treatment. Ayah, Along, and I all love to speed when we drive. So while Along and I drove to Kota Bharu to pick up his stuff and Kak Sue before embarking to the airport, we were so frustrated getting trapped in traffic jams. 

Now, let me tell you what's wrong with the traffic here in Kelantan. People here love to procrastinate, be it their job and even on the road. When the traffic light goes green, they'd hesitate at just changing that fucking gear to D or gear 1/2, most probably because drivers from the other part usually go against red lights. So they sort of tolerate each other's error. I can't really blame them for disobeying the red light, because honestly, there are just too many fucking traffic lights and crossroads here. And why the fuck do I have to wait four freaking minutes at a traffic light at 1 o'clock in the freaking morning? Don't you customise your traffic lights? The reason is they don't have many flyovers that you can even count those using only one hand. True, two are in construction, but for fuck's sake, why the hell are those taking such a long time to be finished? Huge stone in the river and yaddah yaddah, they give you all sorts of excuse when those should've been foreseen by an engineer. Planning is something Kelantaneses are weak in. Just look at layouts of towns here. Roads are poorly constructed and maintained. There isn't even any arterial highway here. You only get parallel major roads here which at most will have two lanes per way. And I'm not sure what is exactly wrong with their finger that it's so so so tough for them to use the signalling light. Even if they use it, ie right signal, surprise surprise, fuckers, they're turning left instead. Dafuq?!

The dumbest thing in my opinion is having two shopping complexes constructed in front of a tertiary hospital. I once saw an ambulance rushing to HUSM through an opposite lane and drivers were panicking and swerved left and right just to avoid it. I can't blame the ambulance driver. Patients have a high chance of just dying in an ambulance because that thing always get trapped in this timeless congestion in front of HUSM. If I were the patient who's in an ambulance, trying to make my way to HUSM, I might as well just write my will before the ambulance arrives already. To make things worse, most people don't even give a shit when there's an ambulance. Its driver may honk as much as he wants, change between four different sounds of honk and people will just glance at it and give no shit. Why the fuck are you people doing this? Be civilised, for God's sake. I witnessed civillians even racing with ambulances a few times here. Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy????!! When it comes to getting their work done, still, they tend to procrastinate. They give you so many promises and they sure are good at breaking it. There are a few... very few of them that are actually pretty efficient when it comes to working but the rest - hands down, I gave up a long time ago.

So, dear Kelantaneses, I can't give less shit than I already do, if you feel angry when you read this, because you, sirs and madams, have a major attitude problem. Stop procrastinating. You're already so developed to still going slow-mo at every damn thing. You may call me 'budak berlagak KL' (fyi, I'm not from KL. I'm from Subang Jaya - PROUDLY!), but you're worse than me if you can't even recognise your problems.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

if i want it

Remember this case? Well tomorrow I'm going to review the denture I made him. I called him a few days ago. "Gano gigi batu En ***? Cabut ko waktu make beradab?", I laughed. "Doppp doppp, yo kukuh molek. Ore rumoh kito oyak come gigi lo ni. Supo artih", he replied. Well I'm glad his marriage reception went well and he said he was so confident with his smile now that he no longer mumbles when talking nor does he hide his teeth.

Today I had a humble patient on whom I shall put veneers. I am ecstatic. Finally, a new lesson to be learned during this extension. I am actually getting bored as I've been doing the same old things I did last session. It came to a point where I actually started to just shove in special trays into my patient's mouth for secondary impression for the construction of crowns and put a few pieces of gauze in and ask them to bite themselves after I had done soft tissue moulding. The thing is, polyvinyl siloxane takes about 4-5minutes to fully set and I'm don't have the patience to put my fingers in my patient's mouth that long. Besides, I construct my own special trays so I made it in such way that the handle is situated much more labially so that they don't tilt when patients bite on them. That's what I call as misapplication of knowledge.

 For some reasons, my initial interest towards oral surgery is fading. I somehow enjoy making dentures, crowns, bridges more. Perhaps I should consider taking up prosthodontics in the future. The satisfaction of seeing a patient having a nicer smile is... beyond words. I love both lab and clinical works too. I actually said to myself, "If I am able to finish this lad's denture within a week, I might be more inclined to prosthodontics", and yes, I did finish it within a week and these dentures still look good. Looking forward to learn more on these stuff :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

irrational

When I looked back at things, I realised that it's all my fault that it happened. One thing to bear in mind - if I could literally drill it into my head, I would, really, I would - is people take advantage on your weakness. Honesty can be both strength and weakness. In the end, we can never control or know how people will react to anything we tell them. Yes, I had another episode of breaking down yesterday and I had to tell it to someone to calm myself down. So that I could fall asleep. I might still have some unresolved issues with anxiety. He called me at midnight and I had to listen to his lecture till my eyes started to become droopy and my heartbeat reduced as it calmed down. He was angry, he obviously was angry, but in the end, he's right. I shouldn't have taken certain things lightly because sometimes my strength and alertness aren't enough to push someone away and my openness might be misunderstood. It ended with a gentle goodnight wish. A mutual understanding. Just as it always is between us. Something that others might not comprehend. At least we fully understand the situation both of us are in and we don't cross each other's line. Thanks for being there for me, pal. At least it's off my chest now.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

hamburger

Self control. Have a grip over yourself, Zahirah.

You're like a hamburger to me. If I eat you up, I'll end up with clogged arteries, but at times, I'd have the craving.

An impulse. Just an impulse.

I would have a bite off you. I would close my eyes when I do so, just to taste every bit of that single bite, because I know that I shouldn't go more than that and I'll have to let you go pretty soon.

You have veggie in you, to justify the whole purpose of your existence. "At least there's vitamin in this", I'd say to myself. And I would cheat myself and tell that this might be righteous.

At times, my self-control would be shaken and I'd really like to finish you up, not leaving even breadcrumbs, but no, I will never let myself do such thing because I might end up with regret.

Regret from having such cannibal-like instinct. I might even vomit you out like a bulimic person while I'm filled with self-loathing.

But in the end, this low carb high protein diet I undergo always require a cheat meal and for that I will seek you, hamburger.

Because I know that you will always be there, in a fast food restaurant, waiting to be ordered.

Once in awhile.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

a dose of lameness

I'm just going to write random stuff that some people do which I find annoying.

You know how some guys misinterpret that you're attracted to them and they come to you talking in a tone which I can only describe as an attempt to speak while the vocal cord is partially closed and the throat is constricted. Just to rub some salt on the wound, they'd smile to you in a perverted way, stretching corners of their mouth as if that's the sexiest shit you've ever seen when they just looked like toads. Well, no, that's not attractive and just because I'm friendly with you, doesn't mean I am attracted to you. The truth is, I spend most of my life with guys - my brothers, father, and guy friends. Now I'm not gonna bitch around and say that it's for less drama because whether you like it or not, ladies, you do need your own species to share certain things with.

I remember telling a lad this, "Dude, I think you have some problem with your body odour", personally because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of others. Apparently, he didn't take it well and retaliated, "My girlfriends love this. You are the one who's problematic!". Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I'm not your girlfriend and I am not attracted to you... AT ALL. Second, I think you have girlfriends who were too afraid of being truthful to you because you're way too defensive and I secretly think you have a form of personality disorder.

"Your friends are all bitches and such cheapskates. They even talk like American dumb blondes", this lad commented on my girlfriends. Whoa, whoa there, watch it! You, of all the people have no right to say that because you don't even pay for my fuel after I had spent so much on that driving you here and there. You wouldn't even share paying it when I told you that I can drive you to a cinema that's more than a hundred kilometers away. "It's not worth it, right, to spend RM60 just to watch a movie?", you said to me right when I told you that we're gonna share the travelling expenses and you're getting RM6000+ monthly for your salary. You really thought that I would pay for everything just because you asked for it? Bitch please, I'm not dumb and I don't buy friendships - certainly not a worthless one like this. And for your information, my girlfriends and I, we have class and as far as I'm concerned, they all speak good English unlike you who won't even admit that you have certain... ascent. LOL.

"Hey, can you check my teeth? I just want to have it whitened and you'll get to claim your requirement", who the fuck do you think you are to simply come to my dental chair and demand such things? Have some manners and ask me before doing something rash. I might be your friend but I'm surely not your slave and once I suspect being used, I'll always start behaving like a bitch. Perhaps you don't notice, but I can be pretty cunning to achieve my purposes. And yes, I always assess a person - are you much more of a liability rather than the opposite? If you're much more of a liability, I will gladly drop you out of the equation. There are certain people, mostly my childhood friends, and a very few people I knew here that I'd give my all no matter what happens because they deserve my loyalty, but new ones? Na-uh, I don't think so.

Thinking of it again... why did I bear with them in the first place? Well of course, people around us are great teachers without them realising it. And I learned that there are so many faggots and psychos out there. They might have impressive certificates, but that doesn't mean they have a sound mind. "These people they just love to jump at making conclusions and sometimes those don't even make sense, so please, please limit the things you tell them. You know you're awesome enough", I recall a dear friend telling me.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

ssim


I am missing these girls so badly. There's a space in my heart that is specially reserved for them and seeing them during break would just fill it up and put it at ease. Let me behave like a spoilt brat for once... or maybe twice. I want to go back and do things I can only do when they are around and laugh about silly stuff most people here won't even find funny. "Gedik", that might be others' first impression if strangers see us. Perhaps we do get pretty loud at times, but honestly, do we really care about others? 8th November 2012, I can't wait till this day arrives. So long, USM, for awhile. So long fake smile, for awhile.