Wednesday, January 9, 2013

kakak dan adik

I still remember my first time seeing her face when I was in my first year of DDS. Being a person who had never entered any boarding school, starting a conversation with new people was pretty tough. Yes, I'm a somewhat laid-back person. It's easy for me to join in a conversation but to actually open myself up, tell my deepest insecurities, those are totally different stories. I remember my old friend, Syawa, telling me, "You know what makes me want to be your friend? You pledge your loyalty for real. You're a very loyal friend". I don't easily pledge my loyalty to anyone. Somehow, I felt like this girl here, who was staying in the room opposite mine, is a trustworthy person. We're always competitive with each other. When it's just the two of us in a room, we'd talk about happy and sad stuff, discuss on the most recent lectures, but never badmouthing anyone - the exact reason I felt very comfortable with her. Although she was born exactly three months after me, she's much more matured than I am. It's always that way. Since most people see me playing that 'tough girl' role, having a person to whom I can show my weakness means the world to me. Almost every day, I'd rest my head on her lap, exchange stories with her. During my down days, I could just lean on her shoulder and cry shamelessly because whoever I turn out to be, she's always there, accepting me with opened arms. During my brighter days, she'd be by my side, listening to me playing my guitar. The sound I produce when I'm playing for a person I love is somehow different than the ones during my performances.

If there's one thing that I could do for her during those times, it's to cook for her. I'd give my all, making sure the meals I cooked would taste good for her.

When I was down with major depressive disorder, the only two people who stayed by my side were Jijah and her. During that time, I really lost my appetite. Eating was torturing. Without knowing the meaning of 'fed-up', she bought me food. Three times daily, but all I could do at that time was to just cry. The day she found out that my condition was really worsening and I might actually end up destroying myself to bits, I woke up to her crying on my bedside. I didn't want to seek treatment and she was the only reason I strove hard through those paces to see my psychiatrist. I was started on antidepressants and anxiolytics - the latter ended up giving me amnesia (not to mention MDD causes pseudodementia). I would forget whatever I learned although I read my textbooks repeatedly. My short term memory wasn't working well at all. Tirelessly, she rehearsed everything with me while holding my hands tight and kept saying, "Be patient, Z, you can do this. I'm here to help you". There was a time when I got sick of her persistence at cheering me up and I became grumpy and actually ditched her. All she did was to cry and tried to reason with me with things as if everything was her fault, but it never was. It was my fault. That very moment, I was deeply touched by her sincerity. The kind of sincerity you can't just find even after years knowing a person. "She's a keeper. She had never left you even when you were your worst. She didn't run away when you threw her away. She's really... she's the truest friend you can get. If you let her go, you will surely regret it", I whispered to myself. That day onward, I decided that whoever any of us turn out to be, I will still stay by her side. I will protect her with all my might. I will listen to her even during my mood swings. Truth to be told, up till today, I still feel like I don't deserve her love. Nevertheless, I just can't let her go. 

Two days ago, she came to Kelantan to visit me. The current me, I don't just throw aside my bedtime, but for her, I'd sacrifice anything without a second thought. Guess today I'm finally down with fever haha! I made a new friend. I call him Chef Nick and he's a superb chef seriously. He invited me to Haza Bistro, where he's working. Along with Minhui, EJ, and Fiza, I had my dinner there. I had the most beautiful dessert I've ever had and for that, I thank Chef Nick. 

That's my Fiza there :) 

Minhui, the coolest lady I've ever known so far, and EJ, the super adorable girl (also in the picture - the chocolate cake the super chef made me)

At Up2U Dessert Station, where we once hung out during our younger days haha!

This evening, before sending her off, again, I rested my head on her lap like those older days. Tears streamed down my cheek as I fumbled between words. I was desperate to tell her that I hate saying goodbye this time. I could only stutter while wiping my tears like a little child. I feel so blessed when she told me that her parents are adopting me into the family. My parents agreed. I was granted another sister.

No words can describe this thankful feeling I have to Allah for lending her to me. May she be under Allah's protection all the time. Thank you, Allah. Alhamdulillah. Subhanallah.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


I saw someone retweeting this. Despite her horrendous grammatical errors, she's right but only partially. It's true for some medical students, and it's not for some other. Honestly, I witnessed the pain medical students experience just to get that one MD certificate. In fact, the way our curriculum was made, I had to go through similar thing they went through during my first three years of DDS. Therefore, I hate it when some of them who unfortunately failed to find the love for this art, complaining about it again and again when in fact they did nothing but to just procrastinate and just further propagate their hatred for the course. A medical officer once told me, "It took me four years of working as a doctor to actually finally fall in love with my job, but it's worth it after all". There are a few colleagues whose enthusiasm just blow my mind. To name a few, Fiza and Hazwan. I rarely hear them complaining or see them doing so on social networking sites. If they even do, they'd end their statement with more positive point of view on their problems. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. Those people who aren't even studying this art have no right to say "Tak ada life jadi doktor". People who say so possess the shallowest mind of minds.

What's your definition of 'having a life'? Hedonistic life style? Drinking? Having sex? Fooling around? Do not assume every soul has similar shallow way of thinking. Some people actually enjoy life in different ways. ie Dentist is one of the occupations with highest risk of developing spine problems and carpal tunnel syndrome, but seeing a patient smiling so widely after getting dental treatments just kills all our exhaustion and makes everything seems worthy. A houseman is always burdened by the need to learn so many new things in the shortest time, but when a patient thank them for treating him/her... similar thing. Personally, instead of pitying doctors, you might as well admire them for their extremely high endurance during the most extreme conditions and their ability to make wise decisions promptly which may or may not affect their patients' life. You might as well admire them for willing to study for so long and risk themselves developing mental disorders under such extreme pressure for just one thing - to serve the community right.

Falsampah. I dub statements which sound brainy but are actually pretty short-sighted and dumb as falsampah (rubbish philosophy). Talk the talk and walk the walk. If I see something that isn't right, I'm not strong enough to correct it by the means of physical force, but I certainly believe that the pen is sharper than a sword - words can kill. Even if it's my family members, I will still correct them and I expect similar thing in return if ever I stray from the right path. Ayah explained to me an excerpt from a religious book he read when I told him I was stressed from studying, "Ira, hati perlukan hiburan juga. Tapi hiburan itu hanya sedikit supaya otak boleh sentiasa berfungsi dengan optimum". There onward, I made it a point to reward myself after perhaps a week of hardwork. "Kalau sentiasa ikutkan hati, sampai bila pun takkan puas dengan hiburan. Esok mesti ada sahaja hiburan baru", Ayah reminded me.