Sunday, December 20, 2015

out of the equation

. Entry started at 5pm .

Delusion - (dɪˈluːʒ(ə)n) An idiosyncratic belief or impression maintained despite being contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder (Oxford Dictionary)


Studying psychiatrics during my undergraduate days, from the point of view of a medical undergrad despite being a dental student, I thought I'd be able to recognise it when I see one, but theories don't always work ideally in actual practice, or rather... in real life.

. Entry resumed at 9pm .

As my elder sister, Wani, said, "You care too much". And as my dear friend, Leen, said, "Everyone deserves happiness" and, "You are not responsible for others' reaction".

I warm up to others easily, but I don't easily take in people as my dear friend easily. When I consider a person one, I'd go all out to take care of him/her and at times, I am crushed to bits and pieces when I see them sad. What more if I am one of the reasons they're in such position. And that's where my elder sister usually comes in to give me a strong, hard kick in the arse, and make me realise that if I had not actually intervened one in their pursuit for happiness, that I am actually an innocent bystander and the latter's irrational and immature reaction are the cause of her misery, then I shouldn't consider myself accountable for this sticky position I'm in.

After all, I had provided a closure although its result was pretty much undesirable and one's decision stays tethered. That closure was necessary although I broke down like a wuss in the end.

When the time comes, you'll understand my words and actions.

I feel so blessed. I have a supportive and understanding elder sister and few very good friends who are always by my side through thick and thin. And they all know my weakness, knock my head when necessary, and protect me :)

Zahirah, Zahirah, harap je belajar pandai. Benda selain akademik kena harap orang ketuk kepala juga.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

busy dizzy

A month passed without a new entry. Here goes.

I thought I'd be more free as we approach the end of 2015. Little did I expect everything to feel like I was locked in a washing machine and left tumbling up and down with all workload suffocating me.

William isn't here anymore which means I'm the sole dentist in Linggi, but Alhamdulillah, I am blessed with such dedicated and supportive staff. With them by my side, everything feels much more bearable :)

Let's start with last on call. My on call week at Hospital Port Dickson is usually peaceful except for the most recent one. Had a few cases and suddenly for a few days, it went peaceful again... until 4 hours before my on call week ended! 

My only nephew, Ikhlas, has finally bonded with Tobby - despite the photo above portraying that fact in awkward manner. Well at least my cat now doesn't sprint to its safehouse - my bedroom - whenever Ikhlas is around anymore.

My compulsory weekly thing - baking Mazola (peanut) cookies for my family.

My sister and her band,  Wani Ardy and The Guitar Polygamy, had their first music showcase at KLPAC (Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Center) - Spirit of RASIA. I try to support her in her passion whenever I can, so along with my ex-roommate, Murni, we attended the event. I wasn't disappointed at all! It's something new to me, listening to musical poetry, but I'm loving it. Murni brought me to RSMY Cheese Naan Restaurant. I had been seeing my friends posting about this place where supposedly the best cheese naan can be found. So here's my verdict - 3/5. The place was generous with its cheese, no doubt about that. Nevertheless, it was pretty hard for me to find anything apart from that to really lock this restaurant in my to-go-list whenever I travel to KL. Reason being I was terribly confused with its chicken tandoori. Was it batter-less fried chicken or grilled tandoori? I neither tasted good yoghurt-based marinate nor did I get a good charring on mine. It was greasy as hell. So if you guys feel like getting their cheese naan, do yourself a favour and order other side dishes apart from tandoori. Its kema tasted alright too.

Two days later, I attended sports day organised by the very PDK under my care dentally, PDK (Program Pemulihan Dalam Komuniti) Cahaya Ihsan. I sponsored a few cakes because those kids mentioned to me how much they'd love to have cakes, but I certainly did not anticipate having to cut them along with our ADUN. Well, there's always a first time to everything, isn't it? It's fun to occasionally 'turun padang' and mingle with villagers there. I love my job :)

About  a week ago, Klinik Pergigian Linggi received a few visitors from International Medical University. I hope I had given them sufficient introduction to our humble and small clinic and its community programmes. 

And then there's Majlis Makan Malam Tahunan anjuran Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson, during which I performed Ombak Rindu with another staff, DSA Suryati. I screwed up but the audience was happy. I am left confused.

Apparently, my assistant, Syikin, missed her flight the very night our annual dinner was held, so I made a huge container of spaghetti seafood carbonara for my clinic - which they finished in a day. To the person who had taught me how to make this - I cooked it better than you did. And I'm a dentist. Not even a chef. Trololololololol.

My eyebags are getting from bad to worse. Kesan penuaan mungkin. Tak apalah. I choose to age gracefully over taking weird-arse supplements and beauty products or cosmetic surgeries.


To someone I cared about (note the past tense) - I tried to be a supportive friend for you, but if you think a guy is enough for you to disregard my feelings, I am ready to leave you alone in your battle. You have to stop listening and seeing what your mind only wants to listen and see. At this rate, I fail to see the point of responding to you because you don't even want to listen in the first place. Do know that it's okay to be genuinely happy for your friends and family rather than feeling sorry for yourself and you end up hurting others in the process. It's okay to fall down and ponder upon your mistakes because we are just human. We learn from our mistakes. First time is a lesson, second, third, fourth, and so on are just pure foolishness and ignorance. I hope that you will make it through. In the mean time, I'll just continue living and enjoying my life. I will enjoy every up and down because this is life. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but only with rain can you appreciate the former. I wish you happiness, babe.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

I can do it

I am supposed to prepare my presentation, but my anxiety disorder is kicking in now. So I'm giving myself half an hour break. Blogging somewhat helps.

Yesterday I received a call from the hospital. I am the dentist on call for this week. Penat dari Prog Sinar Mutiara tak hilang lagi, berdiri sejam lebih duk jahit mulut orang. I lost count of the number of sutures I placed on that kid. I thought I was alright, driving 60km back and forth from my house to the hospital after bending down for so long, but today my calves are so painful. I guess I tend to push myself too much again and again. I could've sutured cincai-ly and shorten my operative period, but being a perfectionist at work, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night if I had done such thing in that manner.

Today, I lost count of number of patients I treated too. I only had a slice of bread for lunch. Patients kept coming in and I just didn't have time to prepare my presentation. Whenever I feel too exhausted from treating patients, I would tell myself repeatedly, "Zahirah, you are the only dentist here. This makcik you're treating might had walked a few kilometers (it's not rare to have elderly people walking miles away just to seek treatment). This uncle might had not slept for days before seeing you, asking your help to relieve his pain. This lady might had had a bad day at work or at home. Don't you dare show your exhaustion to them. Smile. Greet them warmly. Treat them gently. As painless as possible".

And now, at the back of my mind, I'm thinking of just preparing this presentation halfheartedly, but I know I had encountered so many cases in which extraction of primary dentition was done despite not being indicated. Pain? Take out this deciduous tooth. Another tooth will come out anyway. I wish it's as easy as that, but we're in 2015, 2016 is only weeks away. If that's the mindset some dental nurses and officers still have, then we're in deep trouble. So I have to do this. Properly. I have to try being a change agent even if it's a puny effort.

Ok, back to my work.

Monday, November 9, 2015

finally down with fever, 2 crazy weeks

Last 2 weeks were chaotic. Utmost chaotic. I am not kidding you. I certainly am not kidding you.

Let's start with Friday, 29th October. Finally, after 8 grueling months of treating a total of 2000 secondary school (3 schools altogether), my colleague, William, and I completed our incremental school treatment for 2015. And yep, we still treat patients at clinic as this program went on, mind you. I ended this programme with a talk at Sek. Men. Dato' Mohd Yusoff, Rantau. The response I received from them was overwhelming. I guess putting photos and videos in my presentation instead of tons of words worked. I find it pointless to have a wordy slide when your audience is made up of school kids, whose attention span is pretty short. Heck, even during my undergrad days, I'd admit my attention span during lectures went up to a maximum of only 2 hours.

2nd November marked my former colleague, William's departure from government sector. Us, the staff of Klinik Pergigian Linggi, held a farewell party for him. Our menu included chocolate cake, blueberry cheese tart (75 of them!), nasi kerabu, and bihun tom yam. You know... when your working environment is so good, you wouldn't mind to go the extra mile for each other.

Dear William,
  Thank you for being such a supportive junior colleague. Thanks for all those hours before our noon naps (he'd sleep on his office chair and me on my rock-hard sofa - which I am certainly not complaining about. At least I have something to lie down on; just clarifying in case some people decide to start gossiping) listening to my boring stories. Thanks for all those girly talks. You have more knowledge on girly stuff than I do, no kidding. Thanks for all your encouraging advices. Your optimism and amazing willpower in practising healthy lifestyle are infectious. And I will hold on to them as much as I can. I might had left early on your last day with us as a gov servant. I might had not dropped any tear as I stepped out that door, but that very night I did cry a little. I feel thankful because God lent you to us even if it was for only 10 months. I wish you successful days ahead. And I hope I shared you sufficient knowledge just as you shared me yours.

(from left to right): DSA Ija, me, En Fahmie, William, JP Mala, and DSA Syikin

The very next day, Saturday, all of us joined a bowling tournament held by Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson. I suck at bowling. Just look at my scores -

Yep. That's my name there. DZ = Dr Zahirah, but I actually had a few strikes later on after getting 'telur ayam' for 2 throws - which was just a fluke, I guess. It was fun though. I hope my teammates weren't pissed off at how bad I performed haha, and I hope they enjoyed my occasional victory dance.

Murni and I

Barely 24 hours later, I was out, again! Along with Murni, we attended Foodgasmfest 2015 which was held at Dataran Petaling Jaya.

 Sea of people. It was so crowded, I actually suffered a very bad panic attack while lining up for pasta - speaking of which, I thank Hazwan, for practising breathing technique with me on the phone and calmed me down. You're the man!

Sangkaya coconut ice cream with coconut flesh

I guess it rained the night before so it was so muddy that some people took off their shoes. After doing some hunting, we went for Sangkaya coconut ice cream. RM10.50 for 5 small scoops of coconut ice cream in a coconut shell and some coconut flesh. So 'coconut-ty' and so delicious especially for me, who happens to have a sweet tooth.

Murni & I shared a few choices - lasagna, iced chocolate by Kopi Lanun, roasted lamb by Joe Roast Lamb, beef carbonara by The Little Fat Duck, and a salad. Overall I'd say they were overpriced. Perhaps because it's PJ, but ah, who knows. Lasagna was disappointing. Its white sauce was over-floured and its bolognaise was pretty tasteless and lacked tomato puree big time. Iced chocolate tasted like a cheap and over-diluted iced Milo. Beef carbonara tasted like milk mixed with chicken stock poured over cheap Kimball instant spaghetti strands. Nevertheless, my favourite of the day - roast lamb - it was so good, both of us came back for second round, but it was sold out already. Darn.

It was around 5pm when I arrived home. With little energy left in me, I whipped out...

Indian red emperor fish curry! Also my staff's favourite. Brought some of it to my clinic and kering licin habis. Credits to Pn Azlita Masam Manis for such delicious, comprehensive, and honest recipe! I strongly recommend her website if you'd like to learn new recipes or perhaps old ones which you thought you knew.

PDK Cahaya Ihsan, Pengkalan Durian

Yet another programme came to an end for Klinik Pergigian Linggi - PDK (Program Pemulihan Dalam Komuniti) - during which we treated special students. I received handmade souvenirs from them too. I love handmade gifts simply because they showcase true sincerity from their giver. Thank you, kids. It might had been challenging treating you guys, but I learned valuable lessons myself too.

Soundtracks used: Bourne Vivaldi and Beethoven Secret by Piano Guys

The very same day William left us and I ended my PDK programme for 2015, I received a task to produce a short montage for today's Pelancaran Program Sinar Mutiara Peringkat Negeri Sembilan. I was only given 48 hours to produce an acceptable video (and I was still treating patients daily), so I put every single knowledge using Adobe After Effects which was already scarce since I hadn't touched it since 4 years ago. I guess I went to crazy with it but boss wanted a more informative one with less animations. So there it went. I could have done better but hey, 48 hours and still executing my responsibilities as the only dentist in KP Linggi? I basically slept for barely 3-4 hours daily and spent too much time on my laptop, my eyebags were so bad, I'd pass as a panda in a zoo and no one would even recognise that I'm actually a human in disguise. Umi was so worried, she kept asking me to get sufficient rest, but I guess I'm a workaholic. Just like her.

After countless days of not resting, you thought I'd finally lie down on a bed sleeping? 

Nope. Not yet. On Saturday, 7th November, I attended a course at Hospital Serdang - The Heart & Dentistry course which also turned out to be a mini reunion for us, USM graduates. I think I met about 8-9 of them. 9 talks in a day. 8.30am till 6pm. I thought my buttocks detached from my body!! Learned and relearned a lot on that day.

(from left to right): 5 batches of USM graduates - Dr Mastura, me, Dr Noraida, Dr Ferdaus, & Dr Choudhry

And at last, this morning, the very event I had been wanting to just get over with - Pelancaran Program Sinar Mutiara Peringkat Negeri Sembilan was held.

Chong Ren and I. Also in the picture - silat performance by kindergarten kids

I feel glad and thankful that my KKM, state, and district bosses were all happy with my montage video, multimedia quiz, as well as exhibition. Even got to meet my former colleague during my Kuala Pilah days - Dr Wai Chong Ren! Still the same gleeful person :) Nonetheless, I didn't stay back after the event because my body finally gave up and succumbed to fever. All my joints are aching now and I feel so lethargic. One thing good about me is however bad I am down with fever, my appetite stays tethered, and if ever I drink any hot beverage, do understand that I'm really sick. I hate hot beverage. Anyhoo, congratulations to Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson for making this event a success!

The moment I reached home, I had a hearty lunch, Umi's cooking, and fell asleep right after. Hopefully I'll recover soon and fit to work by this Wednesday. Alhamdulillah, tomorrow is a public holiday. So I'm just taking paracetamol and finally getting my very-long-needed rest, hoping for the best.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

young and fabulous

Zaman masih gemuk hur hur

I posted something similar on Facebook, because these lads are such important people in my life, still, I will write again about them because today, tonight, I rejoice in reminiscing all good memories I made with them.

They stick with me through thick and thin - literally - from the first day meeting them at Dewan Nurani, USM, while I was still morbidly obese (yes, I weighed 100kg+) till today, I am 40kg+ lighter, reached my ideal BMI (body mass index) and excellent waist to hip circumference ratio. When I had to extend 6 months because I didn't fulfill my dental public health requirement, they were there, cheering me on till I finally held that scroll in my hands. Even till today, I'm still in touch with my two brothers, Acap & Ziyad.

It felt like I had spent most of my undergrad days with these two lads. I still remember first talking to them at Dewan Nurani when we all were in different bands and had to perform during Dental Sports Night.

"What's with budak ni control macho sangat? Tapi sedap dia main gitar", I said to myself when I first saw Ziyad. I was a pretty ignorant senior. I didn't care much about other students. I cared only for my few close friends, music, and my studies. They were in their second year and I was a fourth year student, still I had never noticed these two lads, but I guess music has its magical ways in bringing physically different people together.

Then again, my good friend, Hazwan, who at that time was a medical student, asked me to form a band for yet another performance. At that time, I have had enough of band members with attitude. So my mind immediately thought of them and then on, we stayed as a band till I graduate.


Sounds simple, huh? Yes, it's oversimplified. The bond between us is much more than mere band members. Till today, I am their elder sister and them to me are my brothers.

Eventually we're joined by Wan 'cantik', Cep, and Min (now missing in action). Due to my nature of not being a hypocrite, people tend to misunderstand me and false rumours lingered around me, but these guys knew better the person I was and still am. No rumour could break me down because I always knew that I got them. They know. Allah knows. Why should I bother?

It's 3am currently. Those days, at 3am, we would be found roaming along coastlines and riversides because at times, due to my anxiety disorder, I'd have trouble falling asleep. "Yo, you're awake? Naan Khaleel, jom?", either one of us would text each other. And just 15minutes later, we'd already be at Khaleel, a mamak stall near USM, me enjoying my garlic naan with tandoori, Acap and Ziyad would have cheese naan. Best chutney. We'd be at Ridel too, just hanging out, chit-chatting till I felt sleepy and then we'd head back through longest routes we could find, blasting metal songs through those seasoned speakers on my old Perodua Kelisa.

They were so important to me, I had never helped anyone with his/her studies as much as I did to them. When they graduated, I dropped a few tears of thankfulness to Allah for granting them success. When I bade them farewell before I left USM for good, I cried silently. I'm not sure whether Ziyad remembers this, but he did too ahahahhaa! There was no ego games between the three of us. What you see is what you get. We know each other's deepest secrets and we know that they're kept safely among us.

Frankly, I didn't expect much from them, but when Acap came during my convocation, I smiled from ear to ear. The sincerest smile I could give. And this year, Ziyad, who's working in Sabah, stopped by KL and we had a good lunch. Acap and Cep, who are both working and studying in Penang, also came by and we spent one full day together. Not exactly like the good old days, but good enough.

Whenever I felt a hint of regret for certain wrong choices I had made during my final year, it'd immediately absolve as I remember those memories with them. I shall cherish every single day. Every single hour. Every single minute. Every single second I had spent with them.

Next year, inshaaAllah I shall travel to Penang and Sabah to visit my brothers. It's my turn this time :)

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

so long, my friend

I appear strong like an alpha male. I multitask like a robot. I drive like a man. I cook and shop groceries like a mother. I seem independent. I have many abilities.

But put those aside, I am just a human.

And born a homo sapien, I am just...

... a social creature.

I learned the hard way not to expose my weaknesses to most people despite my chatty mouth, but at times I'd bump into a few who make me feel as if the world isn't that harsh after all.

I feel safe in this imaginary bubble.

That's how some people make me feel. I can protect myself most of the time, but again, I am just...

... a social creature.

I need to express. I need to express freely and know that you wouldn't harm me in return. Unfortunately, I always feel...

... too vulnerable and overthink.

Friend, it's never your fault. I will cease being yet another burden you wouldn't want to have in your life.

Another burden you can't afford to carry.

Friend, this is me. I am no titanium. I am that shattered glass you'd try to glue its pieces back together, but...

... I might cut into your fingers.

Friend, this is me. It's never your fault.

Be the good man you are. 

Believe me when I say having a person listening to my daily stories kept my heart pumping normally. 

Normal volume. Normal rhythm. Normal rate.

It is a favour I am willing to sacrifice because you continuing your days before my existence, joyfully, means more than my happiness. More than my need for oxygen...

... as I gasp every night, like a fish flippering on earth, counting its seconds

I'll continue feeling invisible. I'll continue my existence. I hope my sanity is here to stay, but I know better that...

... It's time to bid farewell.

Thank you, friend.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

the geek in me

Salam Isya'

I am rather worn out last week. Frankly, still am. In 2 weeks time, Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson will be hosting a state event and typical me, I'll be busy with multimedia-related works. Since I had changed to a new laptop, I don't have most softwares I had been using during my undergrad years. Adobe AfterEffects, Adobe Photoshop, PowerDirector, SwishMAX, and a number more. I might be a dentist, but I do know how to operate these. I believe everyone should be versatile and I practise what I preach. Makes everything easier, doesn't it? I want a nicely-edited video, I can make it on my own. If my tyre punctures, I change it on my own. If I crave for something, I cook it. If I feel my health is compromised, I perform my own check ups and order investigations myself. If my bed breaks, I drill things and fix it myself. After all, I am my father's third son, am I not? These days, handy men are hard to come by anyway. As friends. Partners. Or whoever. Heck, even in career women are gradually surpassing. Nonetheless, it's not about a race between genders. It's just about hitting our aims as fast as we can and in any way that we can help, we would. Still, the religion calls for certain responsibilities to be carried by men, specifically, and those who really accept them whole-heartedly - I consider them an endangered species.

I guess my stress level is at a pretty dangerous level. Had been having anxiety attacks each day or so. Try doing root canal treatment while you're hyperventilating and your face shield and surgical gown make you feel like someone is slowly trying to suffocate you. As if something is stuck in your throat and crushing your chest. You feel like you're about to have heart attack, but your ECG says otherwise. Still, I managed to perform them. Pretty proud of that although I do not have the same attitude towards my anxiety disorder. Every single time, praying would help relax my mind, except for that one time when I passed out for I-don't-know-how-long because I was anxious. Way too anxious.

Thank God, I have a friend who had been listening to me a lot. Thanks, man, you're the best although you tend to go M.I.A at times. You know who you are.

Anyhoooo, my only biological sister, Wani, turned 31 last 25th October! Happy birthday again. Thanks for being there for me through thick and thin. I love you like a love song, baby *Cue Selena Gomez*. We dined at Macaroni & Coffee restaurant at Plaza Masalam, Shah Alam. Here's my verdict: 3.9 out of 5. The ambiance was superb, deco was smart and cute. Food was delicious too. I'd like to put extra emphasis on the cook on their seafood - just cooked - which was PERFECTOOOO! And waiters and waitresses there were friendly. Sounded like Filipinos. Filipino workers are always great at PR. Nevertheless, had to wait for quite some time for our food to be served. The only down side of it.

Once I'm done with all these multimedia works, I shall go on a hunting spree and buy Tobby a huge arse scratching post. The girl needs a huge one because the last one I bought her was a total train-wreck after she attacked it so forcefully, its vertical posts became wobbly and she wouldn't even play with it anymore. And I am also thinking of buying a remote control toy for Tobby to burn her fat. She's a lazy bump who wakes me up at 6am and sat on my neck despite her food bowl being almost full and still asks for whatever food I have. Every. Day.

Monsoon season is here. Alhamdulillah... hopefully it'll bring all these hazardous chemicals lingering in the air to the ground. And you lads, drive carefully! An advice for myself too since I drive 60km back and forth between my home and workplace.

In the meantime, back to my boring tasks... Say goodbye to my eyesight and hello to more prominent eyebags and worse astigmatism.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

laziness overloaded!

Salam Asar... (Only managed to finish this post after Isya' :P)

Weekend summary again it is!

Yet another hectic week. Come to think of it... I can't think of any week that I was not fully occupied. Even these weeks to come will be pretty packed.

Last Wednesday was a public holiday - Maal Hijrah. It was a last minute plan, alright. The whole family and I went to Malacca just because I said, "Ira dah lama tak makan ikan bakar kat luar", and where else can you get good grilled fish if not in Malacca?

We stayed overnight at Pantai Puteri. That night, we headed to Umbai. Had a big fat grilled snapper followed by some light 'exercise' by chasing after Ikhlas as he sprinted gleefully across the restaurant. Along, Kak Sue, and I headed to Jonker Walk the very next day. Kononnya nak buru cendol paling sedap Aunty Koh. My former colleague, Adrian, said she's a Peranakan. Sekali tutup der... It's only opened during weekends. So the three of us searched for Jonker 88 instead, but then due to doubtful halal status, we decided to just head to Original Klebang Coconut Shake.

I tried so many coconut shakes already and I'd say it's pretty good! You can also find traditional Malay kueh (keropok lekor there wasn't impressive though) and food such as the humble small pre-packed in banana leaf nasi lemak there. All races swarmed that place and whenever you find such place, it's usually worth a try. Plus point would be spacious parking lot available.

Once we got home, I cooked spaghetti bolognaise because Umi said she felt like eating Western food. I know my mother. She likes filling stuff, hence the pasta. I was just worried that my nephew, Ikhlas, wouldn't like it but he proved me wrong by finishing 3 bowls of it!! Patutlah banyak tenaga budak ni.

Then came a little issue about my cat. I was curious and worried when she crouched differently and also became extremely affectionate. Well yeah, she wakes me up for Subuh daily, but at times she'd would wake me up at around 3am just to be stroked. Turned out she was in heat! For the very first time in her life!! I was worried sick and felt sorry for her. So I started hunting for male Ragdoll cats. Unfortunately, pure breed Ragdolls are so rare in Malaysia they can cost up to RM12000 each. I'd have to declare myself bankrupt if that's the case. Well, now she has calmed down but this will occur again in the near future. Still looking for one though...

Let me introduce to you yet another friend of mine. Khairul Ashraf @ Kurol. The very lad who sat beside me during primary school. Same secondary school. And the very person I dragged around during matriculation college too. The very person I am so comfortable with that I consider him my a-day-older brother. Pretty shocked seeing him all beardy and very very well-nourished haha! Well at least I know he's much happier now doing masters. All the best, Kurol! He's still single if anyone out there wants to hook up with him hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaaa (he'll kill me for this)!!

I had not been swimming for quite some time, let alone jogging or doing any sort of exercise. Ayah asked me out of the blue to accompany him for his weekend cycle. Despite sleeping for only an hour the night before, I managed to wake up at 6.20am and went cycling with him at Putrajaya lakeside an hour later. Umang aih, pancit cepat sangat okay. And I'll have to tell you my worst regret going against Ayah's advice by not putting on cycling pants. I thought my buttocks had just detached from my body and jumped into the lake. No kidding. Lesson learnt. Lesson learnt well.

It's near end of October already and my SKT (Sasaran Kerja Tahunan) is only 60% done. I'll have to resume ransacking my annual returns tomorrow and boy am I procrastinating. Ngggrggggghhhhh!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

i am just not interested

Salam Maghrib...

This week is about to come to an end and it's a hectic one. I went on a three day-locum-marathon which extended to Saturday. Had 2 meetings. One incoming project. One software to be made. I guess it's time to turn my superwoman mode on, eh gituu~ Rezeki murah minggu ni. Rezeki boleh dicari, tapi kebahagiaan tak mungkin boleh digantikan dengan wang ringgit. Macam yang saya kata, kejar Allah, inshaaAllah urusan lain terjaga. Bahagia? Wang? Kejayaan dunia dan akhirat? Semua urusan itu, Allah yang punya hak untuk tentukan.

Last Monday, my former roommate during third year (or was it fourth year?) of DDS. came to KL all the way from Sabah and we had a good early dinner at... guess where? Delicious again! Gotta recommend their parmesan-stuffed roasted chicken. Delish! Hadn't seen her for more than 2 years already. Still the same old Pang Khyun Lee, bubbly as always. I am pretty envious that she had already sat for her part I exams. My turn shall be next year, inshaaAllah!

After locum on Saturday, I dragged my parents and cousin to Nasi Arab Damsyik, Seremban. I was pretty anxious especially since my parents stayed in Egypt for almost 2 years. They know their nasi Arab more than I do obviously, but eh heyyy, I received thumbs up from my mother - the fussiest eater I have ever known in my life. Again, I'd recommend their mashwi chicken and lamb kebab.

Beberapa minggu ni ada lah beberapa makhluk cuba nak buat ayat-ayat manis. Well here's the thing - I now leave all of that sort of affairs to my Creator. If I feel that person's not right, then I'd push him away. Some ladies find it flattering to be courted by many men, they'd even play games with them. Personally, I'd just put it this way - have some standard. And you flirting around with many guys, having this and that boyfriend, doesn't make you the best person around. It makes you feel wanted, yes, but by you responding in the same manner so easily, it makes you cheap too. So, no thanks.

Decent standard. Not many people have that these days.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

haze makes me gloomy

Salam Isya' again, everyone.

I don't feel like going out much these days due to the bad haze (today, the API of Nilai reached 190+). Received a memo from my big boss to distribute 3-ply masks to pregnant ladies, elderly people, children, and those with respiratory disease, but you see, the normal 3-ply mask isn't quite effective to filter hazardous particles. An N95 mask is the one that you should use instead.

I wore this mask before when I was treating patients with tuberculosis and I'll be frank, it felt suffocating. It's not cheap either.

Okay, skip that dry subject!

From left to right: Syima, Murni, Aisyah, and I

As I had mentioned before, I flunk badly during SPM, but I was offered to pursue degree in medicine (abroad) and dentistry (local) after working my arse off during matriculation college, during which I had these amazing ladies as my roommates! I still remember us, along with our floor-mates (blok C2 aras 4) having our Maggi or tuna party. Life was so simple and joyful back then despite the unfinished look our dorms had. Life was pretty haunting too at that time. Let me tell you a ghost story...

  One fine night, I was at my dear friend, Ain's, room studying like the nerd I was. Syima, the Kedah girl - also the most ballsy of us four, used to say, "Aku nak tengok la hantu camana" quite a few times. She once said it as she was accompanying me to the toilet at 2am in the morning. As I returned to my room, I saw all three of them lying on the floor, mattress pulled down, all pale-faced. It turned out that after Syima talked to her then-boyfriend, she received another call from the same number, but a girl sang My Heart (by Acha Septriasa) and it ended with a rather creepy laughter. Syima called that lad back and was all angry, asking who the hell that girl was, but he denied of doing so. Then all of them gathered on the floor. You thought it ended just there, eh? Nope. While Aisyah was lying beside Syima, she experienced something similar to sleep paralysis and her tears welled up, but she couldn't do anything. She wasn't even asleep at that moment! Her body just froze. That night, none of us could sleep well. I am glad till today that I wasn't there when it all happened. Technically, I arrived the moment it all ended. Wallahua'lam (only Allah knows) what actually happened that night... 

- the end - 

So I am 27 years old now, which means I hadn't met them for EIGHT FREAKING YEARS already!! Just randomly, one of us suggested to meet up, I set the date, and all of us made it. It felt like pillow talk during our younger days, but with more fancy food served to us (not sure whether I am going to regret gobbling that sirloin steak. Let's listen to what the weighing scale has to say tomorrow). Syima now is happily married and has one kid already while the rest of us are still single - happily I might say :) They're all shocked at my weight loss. Yep, I was 90kg+ during my matrics days (and the number climbed as years passed by). Hamek kau!

From left to right: Me, Dr Mads Gilbert, Ayah, and Umi

After 4 years not attending any talk about Palestine, MERCY Malaysia posted on its Facebook regarding a talk which would be given by Dr Mads Gilbert - one of the attending physicians at Shifa Hospital, Gaza, specialist in anaesthesiology, and also the head of emergency medicine department at University Hospital of North Norway. Time to throw my Starbucks card away. See, I had always been a supporter of BDS (boycott, divestment, and sanctions) movement which started quite a few years ago until I started to work in Port Dickson where Starbucks is the only place you could get a somewhat decent cup of coffee. Well, whatever it is, the talk sparked back that spirit in me and I calling all my brothers, sisters, and friends, to boycott Israeli products. Each cent we contribute to them is the very money used to sponsor all weapons which killed our dear Palestinian friends. Like he said, "The Palestinian issue isn't just a Muslim's cause. It's everyone's cause". Who in the world purposely bomb UN shelters? Who in the world specifically aim children because they are scared of the strong men and women these children would grow up to be? 

p/s: Damn, I hate cardigans. It adds a few pounds on me picture-wise, but it's decent, alright

On a completely different note, I have something to say to all men out there...

If you're already committed yourself to a partner, just stop flirting with other girls. Stop adding us up on Facebook just so that you can cuci mata. And girls, why would you entertain such men?

To all men out there too, bear this in mind. You are all potential husbands. If you're a Muslim, start reading up about your responsibilities as a Muslim and also as a husband. Most of my female friends are career-oriented women. We're working because we want to be independent in many aspects. Not for you to leech on us. It is humiliating especially when you make it so obvious that you're approaching a woman with the intention of depending on her financially (whether or not you're working) - that you approach a woman mainly because of her status or occupation. And repetitive, "Kau kan dentist, belanja aku ahhh", annoys the shit out of me. Ok tata~

Sunday, September 27, 2015

weekly summary

Salam Isya'.

Yet another week is about to come to an end. It was Friday and in a blink of an eye, it's Sunday night already, but hey, let's look at it in a more optimistic way - I enjoyed this week. That's why time felt like it was on shinkansen mode.

Aidiladha had just passed. Along with Umi and Ayah, we went balik kampong. Kampong Semaloi, Endau, Mersing, Johor. Met my aunts, uncles, and cousins who all looked at me apologetically. Don't feel that way. Feel happy and grateful for me for I had been saved by Allah in a miraculous way; but one thing for sure, we are all glad it happened :) I somehow managed to exceed only 200cals despite all those lemang, rendang, and sup rempah temptations. This raya felt so meaningful to me. I hope it did for you guys too.

September marks the birthday of two of the very few very important boys in my life. 25th is Along's (my only elder brother) and 26th is Ikhlas's (my only nephew). Along lost a lot of weight too and boy, are we glad he did. I'm not sure whether I can race him at that, but blarghh. Let's take baby steps. I lost 19kg in 4months already anyway. Another 5kg to go!

Knowing Along, just like me, he'd always prioritise everything else over himself. So I thought that a pair of jeans would go well with him, but uhm... I purposely accidentally bought myself a denim top while doing so. I can now fit into 'M'-sized clothes! Yeehaw!

This was taken today. Ikhlas being his mischievous and curious self, actually tried to sink those toy cars into that cake. And hey, we discovered another thing about him - he is TERRIFIED of mascots! Haha! Come to think of it... I was always excited whenever I saw mascots during my younger days. It's not everyday that you can kick someone without that person responding in the same manner.

You know... I am 166cm in height and I am grateful for that (or else I'd be overweight by BMI standard), but as I met my former batchmates, Hazwan, and Panjang, I felt like I could pass as a Hobbit because the latter is 6"2ft. Talk about being lucky to get such genes. It had been a long long long time since I last sang in karaoke rooms, but for Wan's sake, we all did. I am terrible at singing these days. People said that once you stop singing, your octave goes down and your vocal cords just go suck. I reminisce those days performing with Wan. I'd usually play as a guitarist and he would sang. My university days were joyful.

I really don't keep any secret from Ayah and Umi anymore, because even in my worst form, they accepted me. Today, Ayah said to me, "It doesn't matter how hard you fall, but it's how you pick yourself up that really matters. I love you". Aih... Ayah is always good with words, just like my elder sister, Wani; while Umi and I just suck big time at writing, hence my boring blog; but Ayah always practises what he preached. In a way, I always think that Umi is so lucky to be married to him. Myself? Meh... if there's someone, and Allah had written so for me, so be it. If there isn't someone, inshaaAllah, if I get to enter heaven, I will have someone waiting for me there instead. In the meantime? In the meantime, I am living my life to the fullest within boundaries Islam had drawn. Fun comes in many forms anyway. Still, I have gotta start being frugal with my spending because next year, a vacation awaits. And in 2017, inshaaAllah, I will be attending my younger brother, Ahmad's, graduation. We'll be going to Turkey, Egypt, and some other countries which my parents are still planning for.

Monday, September 21, 2015

i want a JT (dental lab technologist)!!

Assalam and good morning everyone! It's Monday. Hopefully it won't be a mundane Monday. Nahhh, I doubt so. I have a few appointments this morning, a meeting in the evening, and locum at night, but you know... however tired you are, when you come home and see your parents' face, everything else does not matter much anymore.

So, what's up with life? Let's start with the negative ones so that we'll end this post on a more positive tone.

I found out that Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson is getting a few new DSAs (dentul surgery assitant) and a JT (dental lab technologist). I am NOT happy to say that after a year requesting for a JT, my clinic isn't getting one. NNNGGGGRRRGGGHHHH!! I remember giving out appointments for denture construction only 2 weeks away when I initially took over the management of this clinic. Guess what? It's only September now and my next vacant denture slot is in March 2016 already! When will it be the appropriate time for me to get a resident JT? I have no idea. In the meantime, I could only tell my patients who requested for dentures apologetically that their appointment will be six months away.

Minta maaf pakcik dan makcik :'( I really want to make beautiful dentures for you guys but... yeah. I have limited human resource. Very. Limited. I do construct my own bite rims and do teeth setting for my dentures at times, but a dentist can only do so much.

Left to right: Me, Hannah, May, Anith, Mel, & Kishie

Friends since primary school. After more than a year and we all reunited for a dinner at Daily Grind, Bangsar (unfortunately I didn't take any picture of my food) and some coffee later on last Friday. I'd say I have quite a good palate (masuk bakul terbang sendiri) and this place is unlike those hipster restaurants with picture-perfect food but fail when it comes to tasting. I give this place a verdict of 4.3/5. Highly recommended. If you know me well enough, you'd understand that I am very fussy (although I do accept whatever that's served to me). Looking forward to our next dim sum date along with Mellie's belated birthday celebration :)

As I had promised myself that I'd renew my wardrobe. See I had lost about 18kg so far for the past 4 months+. I do not starve myself. I have my calory limitation and I have to eat three to four times daily. So far so good. This comes at the price of your clothes becoming ill-fitting. Went to Zara and Dorothy Perkins and bagged so many clothes, I swear to you I had never spent so much on clothes in a day for the past 27 years. It was random, but I suddenly thought of texting my juniors who I had missed for 2 1/2 years (One is working in Penang and another one is studying there too)! And guess what? Guess what? They're both in Selangor! Last-minute plan, just like our younger days. Tough critics, but they still accompanied me patiently for three hours of shopping (of course selang-seli minum kopi)... and gossiping. Thanks, boys! Kak Z adores you both!

Can you believe it? I bought my very first car at the age of 27. Better late than never. I had the money, but never the determination. Got my new baby last week and I am still thinking about a good name for her. Some people asked, "Why would you spend on getting a full-specs car if the difference isn't that much between those of lower-specs but the price differs a lot?". See, ever since the accident I met about six years ago, during which my car backflipped three to four times (I wasn't driving though), I could no longer trust anyone else driving me around except my father. And if that's inevitable, I'd sit on the co-pilot seat and can NEVER fall asleep. And I guess airbags and other safety features are worth my every penny after all I had gone through.

So yeah. that pretty much sums up my week. An awesome week it was and I anticipate many many more awesome weeks to come! InshaaAllah...

Friday, September 11, 2015

who was I?

Who was I before it all happened?

If you had been my patient, you would know that I love entertaining you with stories although I was sure that, "Horry crap, that drilling sound!!! OMG a plier is about to enter my mouth!!!!", was all that filled ur head. And I would pay my fullest attention to you instead of being anxious about receiving a text because I was paranoid and felt insecure.

If you had been my friend, you'd know that I'd brave storm and rain just to make sure our outings materialise. You'd know that I'd try to listen to your every problem. And you'd know that it took A LOT to finally trigger me. Plus, I was a protective friend. Hit a car, call me, and I'd be there to help you settle everything.

If you had been a guy friend, you'd know that I was a laid-back woman you could talk about almost everything. Talk about your crush. Music. Nostalgic stories. After all, Ayah used to say, "I have four children. Three sons and a daughter". The third son was supposed to be me.

If you had been a close friend, you'd know that I rarely prioritise my feelings and self. And how much I care for animals, I wouldn't even smack an ant. I'd just blow them away instead. That I was pretty cool and composed. And I don't break my promises. Don't forget, I love cars. I love fast cars. I'd spot lights from afar. Despite my worsening astigmatism, I'd usually be able to identify them.

If you had been an acquaintance, you might have known me as Wani's younger sister. Or maybe that dental student who played guitar and sang. Or perhaps that student who'd always be driving around to relieve her stress.

If you had been my teacher, you'd understand that I loved learning new stuff. That I was easily interested in something. That I was outspoken and loved trying new techniques I had learnt. That I was a fast-learner. Give me any learning issue, I'd be eager to answer questions you'd throw at me the very next day. At times I'd be too eager that I tend to do stupid mistakes too.

If you're my parents, you'd understand that I am bad-tempered but also kind-hearted. I'd do anything to ease your burden.

Then the destructive relationship came. Betrayal after betrayal, I turned into someone I had never imagined I'd be. A paranoid, insecure, and angry bitch. I became violent out of devastation but I was just barely holding onto my promise. A promise saying that I'd try my best to build my future around it. It became the reason I rejected my surgeon's offer to become a permanent officer at an oral maxillofacial surgery dept just because I wanted to only work from 8 to 5 so that I'd be available at home as much as I could. It became the reason I opted not to sit for part 1 exams because I wanted to save all money I could to materialise something that was not meant to be. I locked in my mind that I'd have to get a 7-seater car around end of this year. When I looked at my payslip, I'd not only think about only myself, but many more people. My back, gluteal region, and calves were always aching out of excessive driving, here and there, trying so hard to justly divide my affection and attention. At times, it'd go the the extent of having to take painkillers and I'd fall sick every month. Still, no matter how demotivated I became from time to time with my failure to rebuild that trust, I stayed by that person loyally - because that's who I am. A loyal companion. And yet, I could find no sense of peace of mind. I should've given it to my Creator. To my family mostly. To my friends too. And not prioritise someone so much, I stopped caring for myself and everyone else.

It takes years to build trust, seconds to destroy it, and even centuries wouldn't be sufficient to rebuild it back. Truthfully, it's almost impossible for me personally. And for that, now that I'm a free person, I feel liberated. I can now pursue my dreams. Whether or not I end up with a spouse, I do not mind that much now. I have had my time with that. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I will no longer try so much to work such thing out. Paying myself more attention is working. I am feeling good about how I look because I now have more time to pamper myself. 

Today my staff said, "Dr, saya tak pernah rasa Dr ada rupa seorang doktor mcm Dr sekarang. Satu hari nanti saya harap saya jadi kuat macam Dr". Presentation matters after all. And I am so thankful that I have my Creator, all-loving despite my wrongful self. I have career. I have beautiful family and friends. 

Today, I took my guitar out of its bag. I almost forgot its name. I dubbed it Gitaku a few years ago. I had to refer to my old tabblature blog to check out its name. I shall once again pluck its strings joyfully :) And Zahirah is making her comeback.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Umi & Ayah

Today, I had another heart-to-heart talk with Umi. And despite everything I put them through, Umi said, "I want you to once again be my girl. Stay with Ayah and I. From now on family comes first. You inherit my trait. You are vocal. Tapi awak pun lurus bendul".

My tears fell like a waterfall. Thank you, Umi & Ayah. I am blessed to have parents like you both. To be born into this family.

All I need is Allah, my family, and friends. They would suffice. I can face the world with them by my side. InshaaAllah.

Monday, September 7, 2015

protected and content

Funny how much someone had screwed up something so bad and yet he's trying to psycho me. Too bad, I am not just a dumb lady. I am a hard-headed person and I have equally hard-headed and tough family and friends. And they're all protecting me. 

I feel safe. Content. I haven't felt such security mentally and physically for so long.

Yesterday, I finally bought a car for myself :) Went to Zara and Dorothy Perkins - two outlets I used to shop a lot until I met a demon in disguise, during which I opted for cheaper options. Bought myself so many clothes. I have lost quite a lot of weight anyway. It's time for a new wardrobe!

My appetite is still here. My ability to sleep is amazing. Seems like I'm still doing alright. Perhaps I'm doing better than I was way before. And I feel myself being much closer to Allah than ever.

Allah. Family. Friends. With this event, I am showered by du'as from so many people. I feel so blessed. At least I didn't have to wait for my death to be showered by that number of du'as. Yes... du'a. I have du'as from people and someone else is continuously being condemned and damned. And like they all said, "You deserve someone better. Sorry, Zahirah, actually I had been thinking so for so long but now it's a dream come true".

Sunday, September 6, 2015

a blessing in disguise

Today, at Dome with part of my support system (left to right: Wani, me, Ahmad)

I bet this is a post a number of people are anticipating for. Nonetheless, I am not writing to satisfy your curiosity. I am just writing because my instinct is telling me to write. As simple as that.

Ever since I flunked during SPM badly, I made it an aim to make my parents proud. I took dentistry. I put aside my love life. I don't want to just settle as 'that student who made it through'. I strived to be 'that student who impressed everyone else'.

Not that I am regretting my decision. I did excel during exams.

Towards the end of my undergraduate years, I had a few guys coming after me. Somehow, my heart gave in to a divorcee with five kids. I can do excellent dental works. Even during depression, I did well in my exams. I could handle almost anything life offers me, but when it comes to love life, I was somewhat similar to a newborn.

Those who know me well enough will understand that I usually put others before me. And I am a loyal person. These are my strengths... and also my weakness. I tend to forgive others out of sympathy. I tend to sacrifice too much. Bak pepatah Melayu, "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali". I didn't hold to that principle and I learnt my lesson the hard way.

From wanting everything to last forever to anticipating things to just end already.

While I was driving to my parents' house, through that 40 minutes journey, I sent one du'a repeatedly to my Creator. "Ya Allah, I know I tend to return to you only when I am in trouble, but in humility, ya Allah, I want to make this relationship halal. I want to help bring up those kids. Oh Allah, please show me one clear sign before this 4th September 2015, before it becomes impossible to turn back, for my heart had been uneasy since these few months".

That very night, Allah revealed me the true colours of the very person I thought I knew these 2 years +.

Despite me straying from His path repeatedly, Allah still loves me. At that time, rather than being alone as I usually would, I had my younger brother by my side. Ahmad, my brother, held my hand tightly. My cold, clammy, and shaking hands.

Still... till this second, I am still amazed at how calm I was when it all happened. I was so calm that when I took my cat, I managed to take everything I needed in order for my cat to be properly fed for the next 24 hours before I could have access to a pet shop. I managed to collect things that would benefit me financially. After all, hey! I am Dr Nur Zahirah binti Abdul Rahim.

Of course, I am worried of feeling down, because this relationship consumed quite some time of my life, but I'd rather sacrifice 2-3 years of my life rather than being trapped for the rest of it.


Yesterday was the day it was planned to be held, but since everything happened in such a short notice, Umi and Ayah decided to go with it. Ayah, being the pious person he is, not wanting to humiliate others gave a speech only a strong man, a strong father could give.

"Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, kita hanya merancang, namun Allah yang menentukan..."

"Malam ini majlis kesyukuran kerana Allah lindungi kita dari musibah yang lebih besar. Majlis kesyukuran kerana walaupun di saat akhir, Allah telah tunjukkan kita perkara yang sebenar"

Words can't describe this guilt I am feeling for putting my parents and family in this situation, but like every single person who knows this story said, "It is a blessing in disguise". My aunts cried while saying to me repeatedly, "Syukurlah, nak... syukurlah...".

Throughout these 27 years of my life, never had I witnessed my family uniting so strongly for something. And for me, they united. They made sure I am never alone. They protected me from the demon. I am thankful, ya Allah, for Your blessings. For lending me my family, friends, and a lecturer who came just to see me and share her thoughts.

I now feel protected. Safe. Much more at ease. I forgot how peace felt like. That was how bad and restless I felt before everything happened. I am now back on the right path. Thank you Allah for saving me from a bigger and more terrible musibah.

Percayalah Allah itu Maha Kuasa. Allah itu Maha Besar. Sepandai-pandai seseorang itu menipu, Allah Maha Mengetahui dan azab-Nya nyata.

Kejarlah Allah. Nescaya Allah menjagamu. Kejar hal-hal duniawi tanpa menjaga hubungan dengan Allah, kau yang penat kembali menjaga perihal duniawi itu sedangkan itu semua sementara.


"So what's your plan now?", a few friends asked.

See... I had been sacrificing so much, I put so many plans on hold for someone who doesn't even deserve it all. This point onward, I want to be a good Muslimah. I want to take care of myself. My well-being. My physique. I want to get a new car. I might look for an apartment or a house to buy. I want to study further. Oral maxillofacial surgery. Restorative dentistry. I'm not sure. I want to get closer to my girlfriends. I want to spend more time with my family. InshaaAllah the future will be better.


Dear readers,
  If you see me crashing, do give me words of strength. If you see me giving in again, please remind me how shattered I was when everything happened. How shattered my family was when this happened. Help me to recover. May Allah bless you.