Sunday, September 27, 2015

weekly summary

Salam Isya'.

Yet another week is about to come to an end. It was Friday and in a blink of an eye, it's Sunday night already, but hey, let's look at it in a more optimistic way - I enjoyed this week. That's why time felt like it was on shinkansen mode.

Aidiladha had just passed. Along with Umi and Ayah, we went balik kampong. Kampong Semaloi, Endau, Mersing, Johor. Met my aunts, uncles, and cousins who all looked at me apologetically. Don't feel that way. Feel happy and grateful for me for I had been saved by Allah in a miraculous way; but one thing for sure, we are all glad it happened :) I somehow managed to exceed only 200cals despite all those lemang, rendang, and sup rempah temptations. This raya felt so meaningful to me. I hope it did for you guys too.

September marks the birthday of two of the very few very important boys in my life. 25th is Along's (my only elder brother) and 26th is Ikhlas's (my only nephew). Along lost a lot of weight too and boy, are we glad he did. I'm not sure whether I can race him at that, but blarghh. Let's take baby steps. I lost 19kg in 4months already anyway. Another 5kg to go!

Knowing Along, just like me, he'd always prioritise everything else over himself. So I thought that a pair of jeans would go well with him, but uhm... I purposely accidentally bought myself a denim top while doing so. I can now fit into 'M'-sized clothes! Yeehaw!

This was taken today. Ikhlas being his mischievous and curious self, actually tried to sink those toy cars into that cake. And hey, we discovered another thing about him - he is TERRIFIED of mascots! Haha! Come to think of it... I was always excited whenever I saw mascots during my younger days. It's not everyday that you can kick someone without that person responding in the same manner.

You know... I am 166cm in height and I am grateful for that (or else I'd be overweight by BMI standard), but as I met my former batchmates, Hazwan, and Panjang, I felt like I could pass as a Hobbit because the latter is 6"2ft. Talk about being lucky to get such genes. It had been a long long long time since I last sang in karaoke rooms, but for Wan's sake, we all did. I am terrible at singing these days. People said that once you stop singing, your octave goes down and your vocal cords just go suck. I reminisce those days performing with Wan. I'd usually play as a guitarist and he would sang. My university days were joyful.

I really don't keep any secret from Ayah and Umi anymore, because even in my worst form, they accepted me. Today, Ayah said to me, "It doesn't matter how hard you fall, but it's how you pick yourself up that really matters. I love you". Aih... Ayah is always good with words, just like my elder sister, Wani; while Umi and I just suck big time at writing, hence my boring blog; but Ayah always practises what he preached. In a way, I always think that Umi is so lucky to be married to him. Myself? Meh... if there's someone, and Allah had written so for me, so be it. If there isn't someone, inshaaAllah, if I get to enter heaven, I will have someone waiting for me there instead. In the meantime? In the meantime, I am living my life to the fullest within boundaries Islam had drawn. Fun comes in many forms anyway. Still, I have gotta start being frugal with my spending because next year, a vacation awaits. And in 2017, inshaaAllah, I will be attending my younger brother, Ahmad's, graduation. We'll be going to Turkey, Egypt, and some other countries which my parents are still planning for.

Monday, September 21, 2015

i want a JT (dental lab technologist)!!

Assalam and good morning everyone! It's Monday. Hopefully it won't be a mundane Monday. Nahhh, I doubt so. I have a few appointments this morning, a meeting in the evening, and locum at night, but you know... however tired you are, when you come home and see your parents' face, everything else does not matter much anymore.

So, what's up with life? Let's start with the negative ones so that we'll end this post on a more positive tone.

I found out that Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson is getting a few new DSAs (dentul surgery assitant) and a JT (dental lab technologist). I am NOT happy to say that after a year requesting for a JT, my clinic isn't getting one. NNNGGGGRRRGGGHHHH!! I remember giving out appointments for denture construction only 2 weeks away when I initially took over the management of this clinic. Guess what? It's only September now and my next vacant denture slot is in March 2016 already! When will it be the appropriate time for me to get a resident JT? I have no idea. In the meantime, I could only tell my patients who requested for dentures apologetically that their appointment will be six months away.

Minta maaf pakcik dan makcik :'( I really want to make beautiful dentures for you guys but... yeah. I have limited human resource. Very. Limited. I do construct my own bite rims and do teeth setting for my dentures at times, but a dentist can only do so much.

Left to right: Me, Hannah, May, Anith, Mel, & Kishie

Friends since primary school. After more than a year and we all reunited for a dinner at Daily Grind, Bangsar (unfortunately I didn't take any picture of my food) and some coffee later on last Friday. I'd say I have quite a good palate (masuk bakul terbang sendiri) and this place is unlike those hipster restaurants with picture-perfect food but fail when it comes to tasting. I give this place a verdict of 4.3/5. Highly recommended. If you know me well enough, you'd understand that I am very fussy (although I do accept whatever that's served to me). Looking forward to our next dim sum date along with Mellie's belated birthday celebration :)

As I had promised myself that I'd renew my wardrobe. See I had lost about 18kg so far for the past 4 months+. I do not starve myself. I have my calory limitation and I have to eat three to four times daily. So far so good. This comes at the price of your clothes becoming ill-fitting. Went to Zara and Dorothy Perkins and bagged so many clothes, I swear to you I had never spent so much on clothes in a day for the past 27 years. It was random, but I suddenly thought of texting my juniors who I had missed for 2 1/2 years (One is working in Penang and another one is studying there too)! And guess what? Guess what? They're both in Selangor! Last-minute plan, just like our younger days. Tough critics, but they still accompanied me patiently for three hours of shopping (of course selang-seli minum kopi)... and gossiping. Thanks, boys! Kak Z adores you both!

Can you believe it? I bought my very first car at the age of 27. Better late than never. I had the money, but never the determination. Got my new baby last week and I am still thinking about a good name for her. Some people asked, "Why would you spend on getting a full-specs car if the difference isn't that much between those of lower-specs but the price differs a lot?". See, ever since the accident I met about six years ago, during which my car backflipped three to four times (I wasn't driving though), I could no longer trust anyone else driving me around except my father. And if that's inevitable, I'd sit on the co-pilot seat and can NEVER fall asleep. And I guess airbags and other safety features are worth my every penny after all I had gone through.

So yeah. that pretty much sums up my week. An awesome week it was and I anticipate many many more awesome weeks to come! InshaaAllah...

Friday, September 11, 2015

who was I?

Who was I before it all happened?

If you had been my patient, you would know that I love entertaining you with stories although I was sure that, "Horry crap, that drilling sound!!! OMG a plier is about to enter my mouth!!!!", was all that filled ur head. And I would pay my fullest attention to you instead of being anxious about receiving a text because I was paranoid and felt insecure.

If you had been my friend, you'd know that I'd brave storm and rain just to make sure our outings materialise. You'd know that I'd try to listen to your every problem. And you'd know that it took A LOT to finally trigger me. Plus, I was a protective friend. Hit a car, call me, and I'd be there to help you settle everything.

If you had been a guy friend, you'd know that I was a laid-back woman you could talk about almost everything. Talk about your crush. Music. Nostalgic stories. After all, Ayah used to say, "I have four children. Three sons and a daughter". The third son was supposed to be me.

If you had been a close friend, you'd know that I rarely prioritise my feelings and self. And how much I care for animals, I wouldn't even smack an ant. I'd just blow them away instead. That I was pretty cool and composed. And I don't break my promises. Don't forget, I love cars. I love fast cars. I'd spot lights from afar. Despite my worsening astigmatism, I'd usually be able to identify them.

If you had been an acquaintance, you might have known me as Wani's younger sister. Or maybe that dental student who played guitar and sang. Or perhaps that student who'd always be driving around to relieve her stress.

If you had been my teacher, you'd understand that I loved learning new stuff. That I was easily interested in something. That I was outspoken and loved trying new techniques I had learnt. That I was a fast-learner. Give me any learning issue, I'd be eager to answer questions you'd throw at me the very next day. At times I'd be too eager that I tend to do stupid mistakes too.

If you're my parents, you'd understand that I am bad-tempered but also kind-hearted. I'd do anything to ease your burden.

Then the destructive relationship came. Betrayal after betrayal, I turned into someone I had never imagined I'd be. A paranoid, insecure, and angry bitch. I became violent out of devastation but I was just barely holding onto my promise. A promise saying that I'd try my best to build my future around it. It became the reason I rejected my surgeon's offer to become a permanent officer at an oral maxillofacial surgery dept just because I wanted to only work from 8 to 5 so that I'd be available at home as much as I could. It became the reason I opted not to sit for part 1 exams because I wanted to save all money I could to materialise something that was not meant to be. I locked in my mind that I'd have to get a 7-seater car around end of this year. When I looked at my payslip, I'd not only think about only myself, but many more people. My back, gluteal region, and calves were always aching out of excessive driving, here and there, trying so hard to justly divide my affection and attention. At times, it'd go the the extent of having to take painkillers and I'd fall sick every month. Still, no matter how demotivated I became from time to time with my failure to rebuild that trust, I stayed by that person loyally - because that's who I am. A loyal companion. And yet, I could find no sense of peace of mind. I should've given it to my Creator. To my family mostly. To my friends too. And not prioritise someone so much, I stopped caring for myself and everyone else.

It takes years to build trust, seconds to destroy it, and even centuries wouldn't be sufficient to rebuild it back. Truthfully, it's almost impossible for me personally. And for that, now that I'm a free person, I feel liberated. I can now pursue my dreams. Whether or not I end up with a spouse, I do not mind that much now. I have had my time with that. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I will no longer try so much to work such thing out. Paying myself more attention is working. I am feeling good about how I look because I now have more time to pamper myself. 

Today my staff said, "Dr, saya tak pernah rasa Dr ada rupa seorang doktor mcm Dr sekarang. Satu hari nanti saya harap saya jadi kuat macam Dr". Presentation matters after all. And I am so thankful that I have my Creator, all-loving despite my wrongful self. I have career. I have beautiful family and friends. 

Today, I took my guitar out of its bag. I almost forgot its name. I dubbed it Gitaku a few years ago. I had to refer to my old tabblature blog to check out its name. I shall once again pluck its strings joyfully :) And Zahirah is making her comeback.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Umi & Ayah

Today, I had another heart-to-heart talk with Umi. And despite everything I put them through, Umi said, "I want you to once again be my girl. Stay with Ayah and I. From now on family comes first. You inherit my trait. You are vocal. Tapi awak pun lurus bendul".

My tears fell like a waterfall. Thank you, Umi & Ayah. I am blessed to have parents like you both. To be born into this family.

All I need is Allah, my family, and friends. They would suffice. I can face the world with them by my side. InshaaAllah.

Monday, September 7, 2015

protected and content

Funny how much someone had screwed up something so bad and yet he's trying to psycho me. Too bad, I am not just a dumb lady. I am a hard-headed person and I have equally hard-headed and tough family and friends. And they're all protecting me. 

I feel safe. Content. I haven't felt such security mentally and physically for so long.

Yesterday, I finally bought a car for myself :) Went to Zara and Dorothy Perkins - two outlets I used to shop a lot until I met a demon in disguise, during which I opted for cheaper options. Bought myself so many clothes. I have lost quite a lot of weight anyway. It's time for a new wardrobe!

My appetite is still here. My ability to sleep is amazing. Seems like I'm still doing alright. Perhaps I'm doing better than I was way before. And I feel myself being much closer to Allah than ever.

Allah. Family. Friends. With this event, I am showered by du'as from so many people. I feel so blessed. At least I didn't have to wait for my death to be showered by that number of du'as. Yes... du'a. I have du'as from people and someone else is continuously being condemned and damned. And like they all said, "You deserve someone better. Sorry, Zahirah, actually I had been thinking so for so long but now it's a dream come true".

Sunday, September 6, 2015

a blessing in disguise

Today, at Dome with part of my support system (left to right: Wani, me, Ahmad)

I bet this is a post a number of people are anticipating for. Nonetheless, I am not writing to satisfy your curiosity. I am just writing because my instinct is telling me to write. As simple as that.

Ever since I flunked during SPM badly, I made it an aim to make my parents proud. I took dentistry. I put aside my love life. I don't want to just settle as 'that student who made it through'. I strived to be 'that student who impressed everyone else'.

Not that I am regretting my decision. I did excel during exams.

Towards the end of my undergraduate years, I had a few guys coming after me. Somehow, my heart gave in to a divorcee with five kids. I can do excellent dental works. Even during depression, I did well in my exams. I could handle almost anything life offers me, but when it comes to love life, I was somewhat similar to a newborn.

Those who know me well enough will understand that I usually put others before me. And I am a loyal person. These are my strengths... and also my weakness. I tend to forgive others out of sympathy. I tend to sacrifice too much. Bak pepatah Melayu, "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali". I didn't hold to that principle and I learnt my lesson the hard way.

From wanting everything to last forever to anticipating things to just end already.

While I was driving to my parents' house, through that 40 minutes journey, I sent one du'a repeatedly to my Creator. "Ya Allah, I know I tend to return to you only when I am in trouble, but in humility, ya Allah, I want to make this relationship halal. I want to help bring up those kids. Oh Allah, please show me one clear sign before this 4th September 2015, before it becomes impossible to turn back, for my heart had been uneasy since these few months".

That very night, Allah revealed me the true colours of the very person I thought I knew these 2 years +.

Despite me straying from His path repeatedly, Allah still loves me. At that time, rather than being alone as I usually would, I had my younger brother by my side. Ahmad, my brother, held my hand tightly. My cold, clammy, and shaking hands.

Still... till this second, I am still amazed at how calm I was when it all happened. I was so calm that when I took my cat, I managed to take everything I needed in order for my cat to be properly fed for the next 24 hours before I could have access to a pet shop. I managed to collect things that would benefit me financially. After all, hey! I am Dr Nur Zahirah binti Abdul Rahim.

Of course, I am worried of feeling down, because this relationship consumed quite some time of my life, but I'd rather sacrifice 2-3 years of my life rather than being trapped for the rest of it.


Yesterday was the day it was planned to be held, but since everything happened in such a short notice, Umi and Ayah decided to go with it. Ayah, being the pious person he is, not wanting to humiliate others gave a speech only a strong man, a strong father could give.

"Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, kita hanya merancang, namun Allah yang menentukan..."

"Malam ini majlis kesyukuran kerana Allah lindungi kita dari musibah yang lebih besar. Majlis kesyukuran kerana walaupun di saat akhir, Allah telah tunjukkan kita perkara yang sebenar"

Words can't describe this guilt I am feeling for putting my parents and family in this situation, but like every single person who knows this story said, "It is a blessing in disguise". My aunts cried while saying to me repeatedly, "Syukurlah, nak... syukurlah...".

Throughout these 27 years of my life, never had I witnessed my family uniting so strongly for something. And for me, they united. They made sure I am never alone. They protected me from the demon. I am thankful, ya Allah, for Your blessings. For lending me my family, friends, and a lecturer who came just to see me and share her thoughts.

I now feel protected. Safe. Much more at ease. I forgot how peace felt like. That was how bad and restless I felt before everything happened. I am now back on the right path. Thank you Allah for saving me from a bigger and more terrible musibah.

Percayalah Allah itu Maha Kuasa. Allah itu Maha Besar. Sepandai-pandai seseorang itu menipu, Allah Maha Mengetahui dan azab-Nya nyata.

Kejarlah Allah. Nescaya Allah menjagamu. Kejar hal-hal duniawi tanpa menjaga hubungan dengan Allah, kau yang penat kembali menjaga perihal duniawi itu sedangkan itu semua sementara.


"So what's your plan now?", a few friends asked.

See... I had been sacrificing so much, I put so many plans on hold for someone who doesn't even deserve it all. This point onward, I want to be a good Muslimah. I want to take care of myself. My well-being. My physique. I want to get a new car. I might look for an apartment or a house to buy. I want to study further. Oral maxillofacial surgery. Restorative dentistry. I'm not sure. I want to get closer to my girlfriends. I want to spend more time with my family. InshaaAllah the future will be better.


Dear readers,
  If you see me crashing, do give me words of strength. If you see me giving in again, please remind me how shattered I was when everything happened. How shattered my family was when this happened. Help me to recover. May Allah bless you.