Today, at Dome with part of my support system (left to right: Wani, me, Ahmad)
I bet this is a post a number of people are anticipating for. Nonetheless, I am not writing to satisfy your curiosity. I am just writing because my instinct is telling me to write. As simple as that.
Ever since I flunked during SPM badly, I made it an aim to make my parents proud. I took dentistry. I put aside my love life. I don't want to just settle as 'that student who made it through'. I strived to be 'that student who impressed everyone else'.
Not that I am regretting my decision. I did excel during exams.
Towards the end of my undergraduate years, I had a few guys coming after me. Somehow, my heart gave in to a divorcee with five kids. I can do excellent dental works. Even during depression, I did well in my exams. I could handle almost anything life offers me, but when it comes to love life, I was somewhat similar to a newborn.
Those who know me well enough will understand that I usually put others before me. And I am a loyal person. These are my strengths... and also my weakness. I tend to forgive others out of sympathy. I tend to sacrifice too much. Bak pepatah Melayu, "Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali". I didn't hold to that principle and I learnt my lesson the hard way.
From wanting everything to last forever to anticipating things to just end already.
While I was driving to my parents' house, through that 40 minutes journey, I sent one du'a repeatedly to my Creator. "Ya Allah, I know I tend to return to you only when I am in trouble, but in humility, ya Allah, I want to make this relationship halal. I want to help bring up those kids. Oh Allah, please show me one clear sign before this 4th September 2015, before it becomes impossible to turn back, for my heart had been uneasy since these few months".
That very night, Allah revealed me the true colours of the very person I thought I knew these 2 years +.
Despite me straying from His path repeatedly, Allah still loves me. At that time, rather than being alone as I usually would, I had my younger brother by my side. Ahmad, my brother, held my hand tightly. My cold, clammy, and shaking hands.
Still... till this second, I am still amazed at how calm I was when it all happened. I was so calm that when I took my cat, I managed to take everything I needed in order for my cat to be properly fed for the next 24 hours before I could have access to a pet shop. I managed to collect things that would benefit me financially. After all, hey! I am Dr Nur Zahirah binti Abdul Rahim.
Of course, I am worried of feeling down, because this relationship consumed quite some time of my life, but I'd rather sacrifice 2-3 years of my life rather than being trapped for the rest of it.
Yesterday was the day it was planned to be held, but since everything happened in such a short notice, Umi and Ayah decided to go with it. Ayah, being the pious person he is, not wanting to humiliate others gave a speech only a strong man, a strong father could give.
"Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, kita hanya merancang, namun Allah yang menentukan..."
"Malam ini majlis kesyukuran kerana Allah lindungi kita dari musibah yang lebih besar. Majlis kesyukuran kerana walaupun di saat akhir, Allah telah tunjukkan kita perkara yang sebenar"
Words can't describe this guilt I am feeling for putting my parents and family in this situation, but like every single person who knows this story said, "It is a blessing in disguise". My aunts cried while saying to me repeatedly, "Syukurlah, nak... syukurlah...".
Throughout these 27 years of my life, never had I witnessed my family uniting so strongly for something. And for me, they united. They made sure I am never alone. They protected me from the demon. I am thankful, ya Allah, for Your blessings. For lending me my family, friends, and a lecturer who came just to see me and share her thoughts.
I now feel protected. Safe. Much more at ease. I forgot how peace felt like. That was how bad and restless I felt before everything happened. I am now back on the right path. Thank you Allah for saving me from a bigger and more terrible musibah.
Percayalah Allah itu Maha Kuasa. Allah itu Maha Besar. Sepandai-pandai seseorang itu menipu, Allah Maha Mengetahui dan azab-Nya nyata.
Kejarlah Allah. Nescaya Allah menjagamu. Kejar hal-hal duniawi tanpa menjaga hubungan dengan Allah, kau yang penat kembali menjaga perihal duniawi itu sedangkan itu semua sementara.
"So what's your plan now?", a few friends asked.
See... I had been sacrificing so much, I put so many plans on hold for someone who doesn't even deserve it all. This point onward, I want to be a good Muslimah. I want to take care of myself. My well-being. My physique. I want to get a new car. I might look for an apartment or a house to buy. I want to study further. Oral maxillofacial surgery. Restorative dentistry. I'm not sure. I want to get closer to my girlfriends. I want to spend more time with my family. InshaaAllah the future will be better.
If you see me crashing, do give me words of strength. If you see me giving in again, please remind me how shattered I was when everything happened. How shattered my family was when this happened. Help me to recover. May Allah bless you.