Friday, September 11, 2015

who was I?

Who was I before it all happened?

If you had been my patient, you would know that I love entertaining you with stories although I was sure that, "Horry crap, that drilling sound!!! OMG a plier is about to enter my mouth!!!!", was all that filled ur head. And I would pay my fullest attention to you instead of being anxious about receiving a text because I was paranoid and felt insecure.

If you had been my friend, you'd know that I'd brave storm and rain just to make sure our outings materialise. You'd know that I'd try to listen to your every problem. And you'd know that it took A LOT to finally trigger me. Plus, I was a protective friend. Hit a car, call me, and I'd be there to help you settle everything.

If you had been a guy friend, you'd know that I was a laid-back woman you could talk about almost everything. Talk about your crush. Music. Nostalgic stories. After all, Ayah used to say, "I have four children. Three sons and a daughter". The third son was supposed to be me.

If you had been a close friend, you'd know that I rarely prioritise my feelings and self. And how much I care for animals, I wouldn't even smack an ant. I'd just blow them away instead. That I was pretty cool and composed. And I don't break my promises. Don't forget, I love cars. I love fast cars. I'd spot lights from afar. Despite my worsening astigmatism, I'd usually be able to identify them.

If you had been an acquaintance, you might have known me as Wani's younger sister. Or maybe that dental student who played guitar and sang. Or perhaps that student who'd always be driving around to relieve her stress.

If you had been my teacher, you'd understand that I loved learning new stuff. That I was easily interested in something. That I was outspoken and loved trying new techniques I had learnt. That I was a fast-learner. Give me any learning issue, I'd be eager to answer questions you'd throw at me the very next day. At times I'd be too eager that I tend to do stupid mistakes too.

If you're my parents, you'd understand that I am bad-tempered but also kind-hearted. I'd do anything to ease your burden.

Then the destructive relationship came. Betrayal after betrayal, I turned into someone I had never imagined I'd be. A paranoid, insecure, and angry bitch. I became violent out of devastation but I was just barely holding onto my promise. A promise saying that I'd try my best to build my future around it. It became the reason I rejected my surgeon's offer to become a permanent officer at an oral maxillofacial surgery dept just because I wanted to only work from 8 to 5 so that I'd be available at home as much as I could. It became the reason I opted not to sit for part 1 exams because I wanted to save all money I could to materialise something that was not meant to be. I locked in my mind that I'd have to get a 7-seater car around end of this year. When I looked at my payslip, I'd not only think about only myself, but many more people. My back, gluteal region, and calves were always aching out of excessive driving, here and there, trying so hard to justly divide my affection and attention. At times, it'd go the the extent of having to take painkillers and I'd fall sick every month. Still, no matter how demotivated I became from time to time with my failure to rebuild that trust, I stayed by that person loyally - because that's who I am. A loyal companion. And yet, I could find no sense of peace of mind. I should've given it to my Creator. To my family mostly. To my friends too. And not prioritise someone so much, I stopped caring for myself and everyone else.

It takes years to build trust, seconds to destroy it, and even centuries wouldn't be sufficient to rebuild it back. Truthfully, it's almost impossible for me personally. And for that, now that I'm a free person, I feel liberated. I can now pursue my dreams. Whether or not I end up with a spouse, I do not mind that much now. I have had my time with that. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I will no longer try so much to work such thing out. Paying myself more attention is working. I am feeling good about how I look because I now have more time to pamper myself. 

Today my staff said, "Dr, saya tak pernah rasa Dr ada rupa seorang doktor mcm Dr sekarang. Satu hari nanti saya harap saya jadi kuat macam Dr". Presentation matters after all. And I am so thankful that I have my Creator, all-loving despite my wrongful self. I have career. I have beautiful family and friends. 

Today, I took my guitar out of its bag. I almost forgot its name. I dubbed it Gitaku a few years ago. I had to refer to my old tabblature blog to check out its name. I shall once again pluck its strings joyfully :) And Zahirah is making her comeback.


Anonymous said...

Saya pun tak sampai hati nak tepuk semut. Selalunya saya akan tiup semut itu supaya semut semut itu tidak berada di tengah jalan. :)

Saya harap zahirah kuatkan semangat ye. Sedangkan semut yang kecil itu mampu meneruskan hidup walaupun tahu yang mereka akan dipijak manusia, iniikan pula zahirah, seorang doktor Gigi. :)

zahirah ardy said...

Semangat saya tak pernah rasa lagi berkobar daripada sekarang. Rasa tenang yang dah hilang selama 3 tahun kembali dalam hati. Alhamdulillah. Allah sentiasa ada.