Wednesday, October 28, 2015

so long, my friend

I appear strong like an alpha male. I multitask like a robot. I drive like a man. I cook and shop groceries like a mother. I seem independent. I have many abilities.

But put those aside, I am just a human.

And born a homo sapien, I am just...

... a social creature.

I learned the hard way not to expose my weaknesses to most people despite my chatty mouth, but at times I'd bump into a few who make me feel as if the world isn't that harsh after all.

I feel safe in this imaginary bubble.

That's how some people make me feel. I can protect myself most of the time, but again, I am just...

... a social creature.

I need to express. I need to express freely and know that you wouldn't harm me in return. Unfortunately, I always feel...

... too vulnerable and overthink.

Friend, it's never your fault. I will cease being yet another burden you wouldn't want to have in your life.

Another burden you can't afford to carry.

Friend, this is me. I am no titanium. I am that shattered glass you'd try to glue its pieces back together, but...

... I might cut into your fingers.

Friend, this is me. It's never your fault.

Be the good man you are. 

Believe me when I say having a person listening to my daily stories kept my heart pumping normally. 

Normal volume. Normal rhythm. Normal rate.

It is a favour I am willing to sacrifice because you continuing your days before my existence, joyfully, means more than my happiness. More than my need for oxygen...

... as I gasp every night, like a fish flippering on earth, counting its seconds

I'll continue feeling invisible. I'll continue my existence. I hope my sanity is here to stay, but I know better that...

... It's time to bid farewell.

Thank you, friend.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

the geek in me

Salam Isya'

I am rather worn out last week. Frankly, still am. In 2 weeks time, Pejabat Pergigian Daerah Port Dickson will be hosting a state event and typical me, I'll be busy with multimedia-related works. Since I had changed to a new laptop, I don't have most softwares I had been using during my undergrad years. Adobe AfterEffects, Adobe Photoshop, PowerDirector, SwishMAX, and a number more. I might be a dentist, but I do know how to operate these. I believe everyone should be versatile and I practise what I preach. Makes everything easier, doesn't it? I want a nicely-edited video, I can make it on my own. If my tyre punctures, I change it on my own. If I crave for something, I cook it. If I feel my health is compromised, I perform my own check ups and order investigations myself. If my bed breaks, I drill things and fix it myself. After all, I am my father's third son, am I not? These days, handy men are hard to come by anyway. As friends. Partners. Or whoever. Heck, even in career women are gradually surpassing. Nonetheless, it's not about a race between genders. It's just about hitting our aims as fast as we can and in any way that we can help, we would. Still, the religion calls for certain responsibilities to be carried by men, specifically, and those who really accept them whole-heartedly - I consider them an endangered species.

I guess my stress level is at a pretty dangerous level. Had been having anxiety attacks each day or so. Try doing root canal treatment while you're hyperventilating and your face shield and surgical gown make you feel like someone is slowly trying to suffocate you. As if something is stuck in your throat and crushing your chest. You feel like you're about to have heart attack, but your ECG says otherwise. Still, I managed to perform them. Pretty proud of that although I do not have the same attitude towards my anxiety disorder. Every single time, praying would help relax my mind, except for that one time when I passed out for I-don't-know-how-long because I was anxious. Way too anxious.

Thank God, I have a friend who had been listening to me a lot. Thanks, man, you're the best although you tend to go M.I.A at times. You know who you are.

Anyhoooo, my only biological sister, Wani, turned 31 last 25th October! Happy birthday again. Thanks for being there for me through thick and thin. I love you like a love song, baby *Cue Selena Gomez*. We dined at Macaroni & Coffee restaurant at Plaza Masalam, Shah Alam. Here's my verdict: 3.9 out of 5. The ambiance was superb, deco was smart and cute. Food was delicious too. I'd like to put extra emphasis on the cook on their seafood - just cooked - which was PERFECTOOOO! And waiters and waitresses there were friendly. Sounded like Filipinos. Filipino workers are always great at PR. Nevertheless, had to wait for quite some time for our food to be served. The only down side of it.

Once I'm done with all these multimedia works, I shall go on a hunting spree and buy Tobby a huge arse scratching post. The girl needs a huge one because the last one I bought her was a total train-wreck after she attacked it so forcefully, its vertical posts became wobbly and she wouldn't even play with it anymore. And I am also thinking of buying a remote control toy for Tobby to burn her fat. She's a lazy bump who wakes me up at 6am and sat on my neck despite her food bowl being almost full and still asks for whatever food I have. Every. Day.

Monsoon season is here. Alhamdulillah... hopefully it'll bring all these hazardous chemicals lingering in the air to the ground. And you lads, drive carefully! An advice for myself too since I drive 60km back and forth between my home and workplace.

In the meantime, back to my boring tasks... Say goodbye to my eyesight and hello to more prominent eyebags and worse astigmatism.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

laziness overloaded!

Salam Asar... (Only managed to finish this post after Isya' :P)

Weekend summary again it is!

Yet another hectic week. Come to think of it... I can't think of any week that I was not fully occupied. Even these weeks to come will be pretty packed.

Last Wednesday was a public holiday - Maal Hijrah. It was a last minute plan, alright. The whole family and I went to Malacca just because I said, "Ira dah lama tak makan ikan bakar kat luar", and where else can you get good grilled fish if not in Malacca?

We stayed overnight at Pantai Puteri. That night, we headed to Umbai. Had a big fat grilled snapper followed by some light 'exercise' by chasing after Ikhlas as he sprinted gleefully across the restaurant. Along, Kak Sue, and I headed to Jonker Walk the very next day. Kononnya nak buru cendol paling sedap Aunty Koh. My former colleague, Adrian, said she's a Peranakan. Sekali tutup der... It's only opened during weekends. So the three of us searched for Jonker 88 instead, but then due to doubtful halal status, we decided to just head to Original Klebang Coconut Shake.

I tried so many coconut shakes already and I'd say it's pretty good! You can also find traditional Malay kueh (keropok lekor there wasn't impressive though) and food such as the humble small pre-packed in banana leaf nasi lemak there. All races swarmed that place and whenever you find such place, it's usually worth a try. Plus point would be spacious parking lot available.

Once we got home, I cooked spaghetti bolognaise because Umi said she felt like eating Western food. I know my mother. She likes filling stuff, hence the pasta. I was just worried that my nephew, Ikhlas, wouldn't like it but he proved me wrong by finishing 3 bowls of it!! Patutlah banyak tenaga budak ni.

Then came a little issue about my cat. I was curious and worried when she crouched differently and also became extremely affectionate. Well yeah, she wakes me up for Subuh daily, but at times she'd would wake me up at around 3am just to be stroked. Turned out she was in heat! For the very first time in her life!! I was worried sick and felt sorry for her. So I started hunting for male Ragdoll cats. Unfortunately, pure breed Ragdolls are so rare in Malaysia they can cost up to RM12000 each. I'd have to declare myself bankrupt if that's the case. Well, now she has calmed down but this will occur again in the near future. Still looking for one though...

Let me introduce to you yet another friend of mine. Khairul Ashraf @ Kurol. The very lad who sat beside me during primary school. Same secondary school. And the very person I dragged around during matriculation college too. The very person I am so comfortable with that I consider him my a-day-older brother. Pretty shocked seeing him all beardy and very very well-nourished haha! Well at least I know he's much happier now doing masters. All the best, Kurol! He's still single if anyone out there wants to hook up with him hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaaa (he'll kill me for this)!!

I had not been swimming for quite some time, let alone jogging or doing any sort of exercise. Ayah asked me out of the blue to accompany him for his weekend cycle. Despite sleeping for only an hour the night before, I managed to wake up at 6.20am and went cycling with him at Putrajaya lakeside an hour later. Umang aih, pancit cepat sangat okay. And I'll have to tell you my worst regret going against Ayah's advice by not putting on cycling pants. I thought my buttocks had just detached from my body and jumped into the lake. No kidding. Lesson learnt. Lesson learnt well.

It's near end of October already and my SKT (Sasaran Kerja Tahunan) is only 60% done. I'll have to resume ransacking my annual returns tomorrow and boy am I procrastinating. Ngggrggggghhhhh!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

i am just not interested

Salam Maghrib...

This week is about to come to an end and it's a hectic one. I went on a three day-locum-marathon which extended to Saturday. Had 2 meetings. One incoming project. One software to be made. I guess it's time to turn my superwoman mode on, eh gituu~ Rezeki murah minggu ni. Rezeki boleh dicari, tapi kebahagiaan tak mungkin boleh digantikan dengan wang ringgit. Macam yang saya kata, kejar Allah, inshaaAllah urusan lain terjaga. Bahagia? Wang? Kejayaan dunia dan akhirat? Semua urusan itu, Allah yang punya hak untuk tentukan.

Last Monday, my former roommate during third year (or was it fourth year?) of DDS. came to KL all the way from Sabah and we had a good early dinner at... guess where? Delicious again! Gotta recommend their parmesan-stuffed roasted chicken. Delish! Hadn't seen her for more than 2 years already. Still the same old Pang Khyun Lee, bubbly as always. I am pretty envious that she had already sat for her part I exams. My turn shall be next year, inshaaAllah!

After locum on Saturday, I dragged my parents and cousin to Nasi Arab Damsyik, Seremban. I was pretty anxious especially since my parents stayed in Egypt for almost 2 years. They know their nasi Arab more than I do obviously, but eh heyyy, I received thumbs up from my mother - the fussiest eater I have ever known in my life. Again, I'd recommend their mashwi chicken and lamb kebab.

Beberapa minggu ni ada lah beberapa makhluk cuba nak buat ayat-ayat manis. Well here's the thing - I now leave all of that sort of affairs to my Creator. If I feel that person's not right, then I'd push him away. Some ladies find it flattering to be courted by many men, they'd even play games with them. Personally, I'd just put it this way - have some standard. And you flirting around with many guys, having this and that boyfriend, doesn't make you the best person around. It makes you feel wanted, yes, but by you responding in the same manner so easily, it makes you cheap too. So, no thanks.

Decent standard. Not many people have that these days.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

haze makes me gloomy

Salam Isya' again, everyone.

I don't feel like going out much these days due to the bad haze (today, the API of Nilai reached 190+). Received a memo from my big boss to distribute 3-ply masks to pregnant ladies, elderly people, children, and those with respiratory disease, but you see, the normal 3-ply mask isn't quite effective to filter hazardous particles. An N95 mask is the one that you should use instead.

I wore this mask before when I was treating patients with tuberculosis and I'll be frank, it felt suffocating. It's not cheap either.

Okay, skip that dry subject!

From left to right: Syima, Murni, Aisyah, and I

As I had mentioned before, I flunk badly during SPM, but I was offered to pursue degree in medicine (abroad) and dentistry (local) after working my arse off during matriculation college, during which I had these amazing ladies as my roommates! I still remember us, along with our floor-mates (blok C2 aras 4) having our Maggi or tuna party. Life was so simple and joyful back then despite the unfinished look our dorms had. Life was pretty haunting too at that time. Let me tell you a ghost story...

  One fine night, I was at my dear friend, Ain's, room studying like the nerd I was. Syima, the Kedah girl - also the most ballsy of us four, used to say, "Aku nak tengok la hantu camana" quite a few times. She once said it as she was accompanying me to the toilet at 2am in the morning. As I returned to my room, I saw all three of them lying on the floor, mattress pulled down, all pale-faced. It turned out that after Syima talked to her then-boyfriend, she received another call from the same number, but a girl sang My Heart (by Acha Septriasa) and it ended with a rather creepy laughter. Syima called that lad back and was all angry, asking who the hell that girl was, but he denied of doing so. Then all of them gathered on the floor. You thought it ended just there, eh? Nope. While Aisyah was lying beside Syima, she experienced something similar to sleep paralysis and her tears welled up, but she couldn't do anything. She wasn't even asleep at that moment! Her body just froze. That night, none of us could sleep well. I am glad till today that I wasn't there when it all happened. Technically, I arrived the moment it all ended. Wallahua'lam (only Allah knows) what actually happened that night... 

- the end - 

So I am 27 years old now, which means I hadn't met them for EIGHT FREAKING YEARS already!! Just randomly, one of us suggested to meet up, I set the date, and all of us made it. It felt like pillow talk during our younger days, but with more fancy food served to us (not sure whether I am going to regret gobbling that sirloin steak. Let's listen to what the weighing scale has to say tomorrow). Syima now is happily married and has one kid already while the rest of us are still single - happily I might say :) They're all shocked at my weight loss. Yep, I was 90kg+ during my matrics days (and the number climbed as years passed by). Hamek kau!

From left to right: Me, Dr Mads Gilbert, Ayah, and Umi

After 4 years not attending any talk about Palestine, MERCY Malaysia posted on its Facebook regarding a talk which would be given by Dr Mads Gilbert - one of the attending physicians at Shifa Hospital, Gaza, specialist in anaesthesiology, and also the head of emergency medicine department at University Hospital of North Norway. Time to throw my Starbucks card away. See, I had always been a supporter of BDS (boycott, divestment, and sanctions) movement which started quite a few years ago until I started to work in Port Dickson where Starbucks is the only place you could get a somewhat decent cup of coffee. Well, whatever it is, the talk sparked back that spirit in me and I calling all my brothers, sisters, and friends, to boycott Israeli products. Each cent we contribute to them is the very money used to sponsor all weapons which killed our dear Palestinian friends. Like he said, "The Palestinian issue isn't just a Muslim's cause. It's everyone's cause". Who in the world purposely bomb UN shelters? Who in the world specifically aim children because they are scared of the strong men and women these children would grow up to be? 

p/s: Damn, I hate cardigans. It adds a few pounds on me picture-wise, but it's decent, alright

On a completely different note, I have something to say to all men out there...

If you're already committed yourself to a partner, just stop flirting with other girls. Stop adding us up on Facebook just so that you can cuci mata. And girls, why would you entertain such men?

To all men out there too, bear this in mind. You are all potential husbands. If you're a Muslim, start reading up about your responsibilities as a Muslim and also as a husband. Most of my female friends are career-oriented women. We're working because we want to be independent in many aspects. Not for you to leech on us. It is humiliating especially when you make it so obvious that you're approaching a woman with the intention of depending on her financially (whether or not you're working) - that you approach a woman mainly because of her status or occupation. And repetitive, "Kau kan dentist, belanja aku ahhh", annoys the shit out of me. Ok tata~