Saturday, January 2, 2016

being and having a friend in need. hello 2016

Beef Burger & Chocolate Strawberry Pavlova with Leen @ Delicious 

I love Saturday mornings. This morning feels a little bit more chilly than usual, perhaps because I am not really doing well health-wise. Musim demam, orang kata.

2016 is here. 2015 taught me a lot. For a 27 turning 28 lady, my life is pretty filled with dramas. Depression at the age of 15 marked the beginning of my rebellious-than-ever days. I did experience abuse, but I guess I asked for it. Pierced my lower lip on my own, without any anaesthetics. I began to have anger management... and other issues as well, to the point of Umi telling me, "I just don't know what to do with you. You are so tempered mental. Let's see a psychiatrist, Ira". At that time, there's an unhealthy stigma pertaining to seeing a psychiatrist. I neither agreed to seeing one nor did I address my problems.

At the age of 16, I gave up studying. I went to school just because everyone else did. And my SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia) was in the drain. I was embarrassed of my SPM result so much that I didn't dare to declare it publicly as I entered matriculation college because everyone else had a string of As in their hands. And I was just... a 2A student. Still, how my father trained me, whenever you feel so stuck, sit down, breathe in deeply, and think. Think. Think. InshaaAllah there'll be a solution if you really open your eyes and seek for one.

"I am as worthy as everyone else here, I can do as good as they do, perhaps better, if I really try", I said to myself. Of course this requires putting down my ego and I was in a way an egomaniac. When everyone else gave up on me, there was this very Biology lecturer, Puan Sudani, who said, "Zahirah, you might be talkative, but you have a very curious mind. And this kind of mind will bring you so much further if you really try to develop it. Here, I have a very good international book by Solomon. Let's have a look at it together". To know that someone really believes in me, that changed almost everything. And I pushed and pushed myself so hard, all my textbooks were filled with my jottings, explaining things I didn't comprehend even if it's just a single word. "Know your limits, just try one step at a time", I remember her telling me. So I swallowed the fact that my attention span would only last a maximum of 2 hours daily and I fully utilised that couple of hours, opening 3-4 textbooks at once to help me maximally comprehend a few pages, all distractions pushed aside. And I finished my second semester with 4.00 pointer.

I received 2 offers. Either degree in medicine or dentistry. I always look up to my medical colleagues because I will never be willing to sacrifice so much of my time for my patients like they do, hence the reason I opted for th latter. And then came the accident caused by my former friend and my parents' reaction to the fact that the very new car they bought me was a total loss. The accident was so bad that its sports rim cracked into 3 parts Bam! Again I was down with depression. This time, for a year. Suicidal attempts. I withdrew myself from the rest of the world. I felt like looking for a cave and just stay and rot there, but there was Fiza. Never giving up on me and finally made me see a psychiatrist. "A human can only do so much. Know your limits. Acknowledge your problems is the first step and that is the hardest. The rest will be alright", my psychiatrist, Dr Zarina said to me. After six-months of taking anxiolytics and anti-depressant meds, plus a strong will to recover, I made it through, still breathing. "I am sick of losing control of myself. I am sick of not being able to charge forward. Depression, you're going DOWN!", I screamed silently. Alhamdulillah I managed to finish my undergraduate years with an A in my hands.

Then came my destructive relationship with my former fiance, but because I am not well-educated love-wise; and my failed engagement. Surprisingly, this time, depression didn't pay me a visit again. Perhaps because I told myself, "A cheater isn't sufficient to push you back into that black hole of depression. No man shall ever have that privilege of holding so much of your heart that you'll lose control of your emotions once again except your father", but it did teach me that never to push all else aside. Always keep your family and friends by your side even if it's to the point of me having a man as my husband one day.

And that brings me to Leen, my fabulous female pilot friend. A fighter who matures before her age. However deep we're in some sticky shitty problems, knowing that we have each other's backdespite revealing our most selfish and foolish thoughts to each other... that gives a huge relief. First rule between us - don't be judgmental and zero hypocrisy, please.

Hello, 2016. I feel good about you. Please reciprocate.


deeps said...

beautiful and determined beginning to the seem to know whats happening with you

zahirah ardy said...

@deeps Yeah, where there's a will there's a way. I haven't gotten everything figured out yet, but one step at a time.