Friday, February 5, 2016
those little things
It's Friday noon. I love Friday noons... that is unless if I need to drive to the main office in Port Dickson for CDE (continuous dental education) because of the weather. Blazing hot sun. What does one expect? Kawasan persisiran pantai. Gitu.
A friend asked me, "How long have you gone boyfriend-less? Don't you feel lonely?", while a colleague told me, "Lady, you are so versatile and mostly good at whatever you try your hands on. You should show your talents less because guys are afraid of women like you. They feel intimidated. Men hate intimidation".
I will just put it this way. If one had known me long enough, one would know what kind of person I am. I don't depend on anyone. And if I befriend or love someone, it would be for genuinely sincere intentions. I don't partner up with a guy just because I don't want to be boyfriend-less or perhaps I feel like that person has a good CV. Umi said this to me - numerous times - "Ira, kita orang perempuan ni jangan sampai perlu bergantung pada lelaki. Sebab satu hari nanti kita akan berseorangan. Walaupun masih berpasangan, ada masa tinggal Allah dan diri kita sendiri sahaja yang kita boleh berharap".
I grew up having a very dominant and independent woman as my mother. I look up to her. I want to be like her, or perhaps better. So I acquired more skills and knowledge.
When I'm sick I order my own blood tests or investigations. I know with whom I shall consult or refer myself to.
When my tyre punctures, I change it on my own. Did that thrice. Good old Kelisa. Sort of missing it in a way.
When I'm hungry, I prefer cooking up whatever I feel like eating on my own. I know what I put in. I know that it suits my taste. If I feel like eating something fancy and expensive, I pay for myself.
If my bed breaks, I ransack the house store, take out a drill, and start repairing it myself. Just like when my elder brother broke my bed doing WWF-style chop slam repeatedly and because I hated seeing Ayah run amok, so I'd repair it immediately and try to do it as neatly as possible, or else Ayah would detect the damage. Of course sometimes I'd procrastinate. I'm just a human anyway.
When I struggle with my studies, I push myself further. I'd bury my face in textbooks. I would focus so hard, my eyes would squint as I read those texts, my hands clenched tightly, laptop in its case, handphone away, everyone else shut out. Until I am sure I understand my learning issues down to their molecular level.
When I encounter an emergency situation, I'd stop for a second (at times, I'd act before the impact hits me) and think of a solution, execute it, rather than panicking. I find panicking so exhausting. When one panics, nothing gets solved. Thought block. Innocent bystanders panic and get stressed up. Still, I love the thrill one experiences having to manage emergency situation. Why else would I intend to further my studies in oral maxillofacial surgery?
When I need to rush somewhere, I drive fast on my own. Due to the past accident I was involved in, having another person driving, I do not trust a single soul to drive me around, hence my inability to fall asleep when such situation is unavoidable. Nonetheless, I still love speeding. The temporary adrenaline rush and slipping in between cars, calculating rapidly in a few-hundred-meter-radius whether you can make it and not endangering anyone else. I always see things in slow-mo because when I work, the tongue and cheeks are much faster and unpredictable as I operate a high-speed handpiece (drilling machine) which rotates as fast as 450 000rpm. Deadly enough, it can cut through bone. That sense of anticipation. I love that.
So basically, I am a person who easily enjoys whatever she does. I am pretty much, despite my abilities, just a person who enjoys simple things in life. Like being propped up on my bed with a dimmed bed lamp providing sufficient visual aid. Earphones on, listening to music of all sorts. Jazz. Classical. Metal. Pop. Enjoying all layers of musical instruments used. Writing blogs. Hot sugarless black coffee (or long black if you prefer fancy words for that). The occasional disruption my cat provides. Thick comforter covering half the length of my legs.
Joy comes in many forms if you heighten your senses enough.
Of course, at times I'd think, "Hey, I will maybe one day die alone", but still. I know I have angels by my side. It's just that I can't see them now. Not till I'm on my deathbed. I know I have true friends. Those I would randomly call up and hang out with. I know I have supportive (although at times pressuring) family members I'd see once I come home after a tiring day at work. Partnering up with a guy just for the sake of having a boyfriend isn't my idea of fun, because, please, after all I had gone through, lowering my standards and sacrificing myself to the point of being unkempt for a person... just save me the unnecessary troubles. If a guy is good enough, so good that I feel challenged myself, then perhaps such person is worth the pain. As my elder sister, Wani, said to me, "A soulmate is a person you choose, who you think is worth breaking your heart over and over again". It sounds sadistic and somewhat masochistic, but it's true in away. After all, you're choosing with whom you shall spend decades with. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. However one chooses to put on shelves how happy her life is, in social media, that's just nonsensical.
In the meantime, I do not intend to fool around, what more if it involves a person's heart. Treat others the way you want yourself to be treated. Simple maths.