Thursday, May 5, 2016

eat to live

There aren't many people that I am willing to travel hundreds of kilometers for. Fiza is undoubtedly one of the few people I cherish so much. Throughout my six months of struggling to escape major depressive disorder (MDD) about six years ago, this amazing person stayed by my side. I can't recall most of the moments during that period except for four of them:

1. The ceiling of my hostel room
2. My psychiatrist's face
3. My mother's facial expression as she welcomed me home three months after I was diagnosed with MDD
4. The food Fiza bought me thrice daily although I could barely eat a spoonful of them. Most of the time, they'd go wasted, but she still constantly bought food for me every single day without failing and just held my hands as I said to her, tearfully, "Fiza, I am hungry. I am so hungry, but I can't eat this without vomiting. I haven't eaten for days...". At times, she'd cry along with me

Even as I type this entry, I still drop thankful tears. Thankful to Allah for lending me such a caring and loving person. The day I received a text from her informing me about her father being critically ill, I rushed to Johor Bahru (JB) to visit them. The day I broke off my engagement, she flew all the way from JB and kept me company for three days. I fell asleep while holding her hands. Along with my family's support, I heard myself saying, "You are lucky to have all these people. You'll be alright".

Despite being 300km+ away from her, she's still the closest friend I have. Even in silence, we'd read each other's thoughts. A fortnight ago, when she told me that she's getting engaged, my heart skipped a beat. I know how well Fiza takes care of those precious to her and that her happiness means the world to me. I sent prayers to God, hoping that this man is a truly good person. That this man will take care of her as well as she takes care of all of us. That this man will be a loyal partner.

Last Sunday, when I saw that nervous but blissful smile on her face, I couldn't help but to to have tears welling up. After all struggles she had gone through, she deserves a good man by her side till afterlife. May God take care of her. May this lead to a blissful marriage, inshaaAllah...

Well, on a different note, I am currently struggling to keep my weight from dropping drastically. Work has been pretty stressful. Three weeks in a row being in-charge of operation theater, and I am just a junior permanent officer there. Barely one and a half month had passed, and I lost 2.5kg already. I envy stress-eaters. At least they can eat when they're stressed. My body works in the exact opposite way. Despite reaching my minimum calory requirement, perhaps due to the increase in physical tasks, my weight is still dropping fast. I eat thrice daily, but most of the time, I'd push myself to my limits, and force myself to eat only when my hands start to tremble from low blood sugar. I have to learn fast. At my current pace, I don't think I am learning fast enough. Accio strength!

1 comment:

deeps said...

you know what?
you are a wonderful human being...
if you get a chance to read 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl please do