Sunday, December 18, 2016

self perception

Never did I think that the person I thought I knew for years is that toxic (nothing done online goes deleted for real from cyberspace), but just as during each dark moment of my life, I still thank my Creator for granting me the strength to distance myself from certain people. And as usual, I shall not stoop down to that person's level. I still refuse to spread stories about you, because I feel sorry for you. And if I do that, I'd have to crawl in afterlife and repay you with my deeds. Heck, my good deeds are so scarce already. May one day Allah open your heart to become a sincere person. To learn appreciating people who are still by your side because me... I'm outta here.

Ya Allah, thank you for lending me truly supportive people who protect me.

At the meantime, I shall further build emotional walls around me because I have to be mentally fit to attend to my patients. I have countless things to feel grateful for :)

Monday, December 12, 2016

limits

I chose to end it yesterday. Months of mental abuse, I had reached my limit.

When I closed my heart for nearly a year, I gathered every ounce of courage I had to unlock it again. Make space for another person. Put a piece my heart in that man's hands. It's like putting my neck on a chopping block, handing him an axe, and hoping he wouldn't behead me.

And as expected, my newly mended heart shattered into pieces once again although this time, there's no absolute line i.e infidelity was drawn to bring me to my decision. I chose to walk away because I am no longer happy.

True, love is like a gamble. You win some. You lose some. Still, when your chips run out, it is wiser to walk away. And my patience, sanity, and affection are represented by those chips.

Apologies when in abundance loses its value. Especially when the same damned mistakes are repeated again and again, and by the time you notice it, seeing your significant other becomes something you dread about.

And yet, I have my flaws. Many flaws over which I decided to stick by his side. Until yesterday.

Despite going through yet another failed relationship, I learnt one important lesson. And that is... perhaps to thrive in a relationship isn't something that is meant for me, mainly due to my major trust issues. That the day I chose to be with the first man I got engaged to was the day I chose to destroy my love life forever.

"Move on", they said.

I did. I really did, but am I not just a human who possesses memory? Such physically and mentally abusive relationship surely did leave a huge scar in me. Just like old scars on your skin. When it's big enough and you decide to get rid of it by the means of skin grafting. You'll be left with a patch of abnormal looking skin. That despite having similar colour (if you're lucky enough), it does not contract, wrinkle, or aesthetically appear as how it originally did.

And because of this shortcoming, perhaps it is best for me to live a monotonous life rather than constantly experiencing emotional roller-coaster because the latter would kill me. Eventually.