Sunday, November 26, 2017

of eggs and coffee

It's 920am.

I went to bed with a troubled mind yesterday. I initially was not sure what was actually bugging my brain, but I had a dream last night. The past haunted me. A man, his hand gripping my wrist tightly and pulled me down a staircase. His eyes, bloodshot, staring into mine in anger. I woke up in realisation. I have been fearing that - Violence, possessiveness, and emotional manipulation.

A few weeks ago, I met a new lad who is of different race and religion, of polar opposite, and yet, I felt a sense of unexplained comfort. I guess working everyday with adrenaline rushing through my blood vessels all the time, to feel content became so alien. Unconsciously, I projected my paranoia onto him, of which is the utmost injustice. I have been sleep-deprived for awhile too, granting me less grip on my emotions. So I went to bed early yesterday. Back to normal bedtime. I woke up early today, fully-charged. Changed my bedsheet, as I usually do on weekly basis. Went to the kitchen, closed my eyes, and talked to myself...

"What feels like home?"

I imagined a fluffy well-whipped three-egged scrambled egg, freshly crushed black pepper, the scent of good pure butter, a slice of warm toast, the smell of a ripe, juicy navel orange, and the intoxicating smell of a mug of long black.

Ten minutes later, I was sitting beside the window. Enjoying breakfast I know I could not get elsewhere but home. The morning sun smiling gently at me. William Joseph's rendition of Safe and Sound playing in the background. I feel composure slowly creeping back in.

Sunday mornings are always the best.

Monday, August 28, 2017

four months, thank Allah

A month had passed since I moved to Seremban. So far, so good. The greenery surrounding my residential area grants me peace - such peace I had been craving for. I love my challenging and hectic job, here at the oral maxillofacial surgery clinic, every second spent on it, but beyond it, I seek for something totally contrary. 

Four months had passed since I decided to walk out of a relationship. So far, so good. I think I am done with trying to buffer negativity from others. Not sure whether it is just me who had not found the right one, or really, I am not meant for one because every single time that happened, I'd find myself deteriorating physically and mentally. 

Just finished my usual daily cup of black coffee, a navel orange, and two-egg-cheese omelette. It's Monday - supposedly the most dreaded day of the week for most, but today feels right. Spending the weekend with my ladies, movies, food, food, food, AND FOOD - left me fully-charged. Looking forward to our November trip to Bali :)

p/s: Happy birthday, Umi ♥

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

why oh heart

Why is it so easy to forget one's evil deed?

Be strong, heart. Be hard. Be firm.

Move on.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

you have my heart, at least for the most part

Perhaps because I appear somewhat flamboyant, choosing not to trust in my words is easy for some. Like how a man in whose hands I put my trust could tell every single person around me that I am a liar.

If anything, I am at times too bluntly honest. I might cherry-pick details, but I do not lie.

This time, I have my evidences. These bruises on my right shoulder, right arm, left wrist, right knee. This swelling on my back. This mark on my right arm outlining someone's palmprint. These are my evidences.

Like how someone yelled at me to shut myself up in front of the public as I begged him to stop and return my belonging. They are my witnesses. 

Like how I got dragged onto someone's car as I desperately tried to escape, but not without my possessions.

As I desperately sent desperate pleas for help from a fellow female acquaintance. Yes, acquaintance. A person I had known for barely a year but betrayed my trust in every single aspect. Woman to woman, if you were in my shoes and I were in yours, I would go to extents you could never imagine with one mission in my head. "Save her", but there you were. Just as your bloodline. You defended him while he violated me. He took away my sense of freedom. He made the only place I once experienced joy from constant adrenaline-rush, a hell for me. 

That night, Allah showed how much of a liar one can be. Perhaps he's good with words. So good to the point that I began to doubt myself. Am I really that horrible person he portrayed me to be?

That night, Allah showed me how much of a liar one can be. He knows that being soft-hearted is my weakness, but Allah always has better plans. As I read his lies, one by one, as much as I wanted to believe him, truth was put on the table. As naked as it could be. How three strangers and three friends became my witnesses. 

But these bruises. They will speak on my behalf. My evidences sent to numerous people for safe-keeping. Just in case anything happens to me. This post alone might spark rage unlike anything I have seen, but I am doing this to be fair to myself. Just in case anything happens to me. 

If something grave really happens to me, dear people who encouraged him and believed in him, my blood is on your hands.

To those who betrayed my trust... the afterlife awaits us. Preach righteousness all you want, but one should not underestimate the weight of being entrusted secrets. One should not underestimate evil deed committed on another fellow being. You shall forever be indebted to me for this.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

could it be any harder

"Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet perfume
That sticks to me forever, baby"
- Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling


Remember the pain

Remember the words

Remember the cusses

Remember the prison, the cage

Remember the treason, the ache

I close my eyes, hoping everything had never happened. Back when I had not tasted love.

Sleep doesn't come easily these days. I kept getting 4 hours of sleep or less these days. By midnight, I'd fall asleep. 4am my mind would be wide awake. The thought of having insomnia looms. How terrified I am to go through it all over again.

To hope is to risk being disappointed.

Remember that, Zahirah.

Saturday, June 17, 2017


"Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favourite part

We'll skip the goodbyes.."

- Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

A few days ago, as I was working beyond office hours, a few old memories came flashing back. Like how I used to look forward to seeing someone right after that. Or perhaps during on calls when no matter how tired I was, I would not mind seeing that familiar face.

I found myself sobbing over what's lost. It would not be right to get back for all the wrong reasons, when I know that I had given enough chances. To be hurt and recover repeatedly... to what extent can the heart bear such pain? To what extent can the heart repair itself? To what extent can the mind subconsciously block bitter memories so that new ones can be made and cherished?

It was just a couple of months ago that I dared bringing up the topic of marriage to my mother. And barely days after that, I was made to feel how terrible of a person I am. That marriage is something I fear. That how fearful it is to put your neck on that chopping board, hand a man a knife, and trusting in him not to slam it down. Threat by threat. Humiliation by humiliation.

At this point, I am giving it a rest.

I looked at my parents. I looked at my patients. At times, I'd feel so exhausted that to walk just another pace, to extend a limb just to reach those instruments, to reorganise my mind and plan my treatments, become such a struggle, my knees feel like they're about to give way.

I will stay on my own. Sacrifice my life for people I might not even see a few weeks later. Sacrifice my life for my parents. I don't have much good deeds, but I know that God is All-Just. May these little ones bring peace in me.

Sunday, June 4, 2017


It feels good to have all my siblings under one roof. The last time we had such opportunity was during our Cairo trip. Before that, we last saw our youngest brother, Ahmad, almost 2 years ago.

I feel at ease.

Trying to recall the times I felt like this...

Perhaps during those night drives with my two juniors, Acap and Ziyad. Roaming aimlessly in Kelantan, listening to metal music, occasionally stopping at random beaches, just enjoying the sea and good food. Our jamming sessions at a mediocre studio near the university. Lower lip pierced. And I was the batch leader. I had people staring at me disapprovingly but really. Like I cared.

Or maybe when I was a kid, playing in a monsoon drain because normal children slides were overrated. Sliding down a slope on a paperbox sounded like a great idea. It still does now.

Or maybe during highschool, when it felt cool to skip classes and flee from our late-discipline teacher. I can still remember his faded jade green Toyota Unser, a cane in his right hand. Coming to school at 8am like it's no one's damn business.

Perhaps when I was offered a place at this OMF surgery department. Finally, free from school treatments, workplace politics, and paperworks! Free from a cheater and all his baggage too. Life felt so good at that time. I was up for an adventure I had little idea about. I knew it'd mean chucking my personal life aside, but, it's so worth it.

Or maybe now that I can do whatever and whenever I want. For myself. Not for anyone else. Like how I knew it wasn't an urgency to change the under tray cover of my car and yet, I prefer every part of my car to be intact, so I straight away drove to the service center and submitted its payment. Paid and ordered myself 3 pairs of my usual powered contact lenses because I hate waiting for the order to arrive every damn month. It feels best when you do something for your own sake.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

mixed signals

A few months ago, I would not be able to hold back a smile when I receive a surprise.

And yet today, I received unexpected gifts, but I felt no desire to smile. I felt no amusement. I felt no joy. I did experience agitation, though.

How can so many mistakes be fixed with gifts? No gift can bring me to forgiveness.

Damage is done. Damage is done.

My brain works wonders this time. I seem to have forgotten memories which were once precious at heart. I seem to forgot how he looks like, but I can still certainly feel the heartache. Like it was just yesterday that I was hurt so badly. Disgraced like my dignity worth nothing. Threatened as if I was an archenemy. Accused like a murderer, found guilty before I could stand up for my defence. Belittled as if I possess neither intelligence nor logic. At one point I actually believed myself to be the devil he portrayed me to be - until my good old friend, Hanif, said, "Taklah. You're a good person". There's something about this lad that somehow, can calm me down no matter how bad a storm I am trapped in. Jangs for laif, brah. Jangs for laif.

At the moment, I just want to meet as many people as I can. Make new friends. Broaden my horizon. Feel free and soar high into the sky.

It's time for me to move on.


Lying on my bed. Thick blanket wrapping my body, giving false sense of comfort. Looking at my reflection on the ceiling fan. Thoughts running through my mind.

How did it get to this?

How could a person change like this? It only took a distant third party with almost zero significance.

How could a person on whose shoulder I sobbed over my sad past, to whom I revealed my deepest troubles, be the very causative factor of this long-forgotten misery?

Betrayal, comes in many forms. Of all, emotional betrayal is the most painful.

Two days ago, after holding back my conflicting emotions, trying my best to appear as strong as I could, I found myself again sobbing over something that is beyond repair. Damage is done.

I gathered every ounce of courage I could to open my heart once again. To love a soul sincerely. And yet my sincerity is being doubted, despite having nothing to hide. Accusation by accusation, this heart I mended with all my might shattered into pieces. Pieces so micro, I can't seem to pick them up with my two hands, I sensed anxiety looming over me yesterday.

Be strong, Zahirah... believe in others' kindness. That one evil soul does not represent the whole population.

Have hope. Have hope. 

To my three guardian angels, Kurol, Hanif, and Murni... thank you for protecting me. Thank you for keeping my sanity intact.

Friday, May 26, 2017

a legacy

Dr Abdul Latif Abdul Hamid. The first time I heard of his name was when I first got posted in Negri Sembilan. "You'll be somewhat lucky somewhat unlucky if you get to learn from him. The best orthognatic surgeon. Fierce and fearsome but magical hands", one of my lecturers said to me.

I never thought of applying to be posted at this department. As I had said, it has always been a dream of mine to become an oral maxillofacial surgeon one day. As a dark chapter in my life came to an end, suddenly there's an opening at the department.

Heard a lot of horror stories about this place. Like how terrifying it is to be on call there. Like how anxious my nights would be if I were to work there, but the thought of learning from the one of the best surgeons in Malaysia was too tempting, so here I am.

Learning under his guidance was not easy. "ARE YOU BLIND??", "Gosh, what a bizarre thing to do", "Look, look, don't try to confuse me. Yes or no? Simple question!", are among words that would sputter out of his mouth. I reminisce being yelled at by him many times in a row in one morning, that I looked at the clock, ran into the janitor room, and cried for two good minutes. Looked at my watch, wiped tears off my cheek, and went straight to my surgery cubicle, continued treating patients. "I've got a lot to learn. Be humble and learn from the best while you still have the time", I said to myself. That was the only time I cried and that's it.

Put aside my ego and learned from him as much as I could. Everytime he encounters any challenges, he would stay composed, walk calmly but swiftly, examine the situation, and do his magic. Give him any trauma case. Be it a few weeks had passed, when he fixes patients' broken jaws, they look as good as new.

A very professional person, you would not witness him degrading a staff nurse in an operation theater for not knowing which instrument to hand him when being asked, because he knows she is not trained dentally... but if he thinks you should know your stuff but you don't, then you'd wish you're dead.

He tolerates no bullshit, but beyond working hours, he is a very warm person. Like how nerve-wrecking it was when I asked to take a photo with him. He smiled and said, "Why not?". After that, he said to me, "So you're gonna write, 'This is the guy who fires me endlessly'?", and laughed. When I asked him to take a selfie with us, officers, he actually crouched a bit and joked, "So I guess I should do this so it looks better in the selfie, huh?". When you bump into him as you walk through a door, it's always 'ladies first' for him and he would let you through first.

It is from his teachings that I eventually learned to do surgical removal of impacted teeth in less than 15minutes. It is from his teachings that I figured out that no matter how shitty a case is, keep calm, assess, and fix everything up. Be patient. Do not rush. Don't be heroic. Be practical and evidence-based.

Boss, it has been an honour to have served alongside you. I wish I had applied sooner to be posted here, eventhough that'd be the interval that you were fiercer than now. I will try my best not to put your name to shame.

I really wish I'd be given more time to learn from him. And for this reason, my tears trickle again.

Monday, May 15, 2017


There are a few good things I learnt from the incident two years ago which makes breaking up not that harsh this time.

One particular thing is do not cut off your friendship with others.

Like how I am glad that I relied on these two babes as my confidantes. We used to be roommates during matriculation and 2 years ago we were reunited over that sadistic incident. We had our fair share of arguments but it is with them that I am able to experience friendship in its truest form.

With them, I feel normal to take a day off just to sleep or bake. Or how just a simple new feature on Facebook would make us laugh like crazy. And that true friends are not only around when they need favours from you, but also when you're down. When you're in need of help. When you are gullible that you need someone to stand up for you.

A few weeks ago, I was told that I don't have the right to blog certain things. Well, guess what *chuckles*. I have blogged for more than one and a half decade now, I really don't give a fuck how others would judge me based on this. Yep. Read this, people.

If anything, I can be quite a composed and warm person until I sense someone trying to manipulate my thoughts and actions. In which case, I would turn into someone so evil, you'd wish you had never known in the first place. At times I becomes discreetly evil. At times I can be very obvious that you can easily understand that I am a dead end.

The old me would cling onto happy memories. I am never good at articulating my feelings, but I always hope that one would understand them through my actions. My words would always come out wrong, so I tend to forgive others when they do the same.

Still, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I forgive easily, but I certainly do not forget. It's what my past experience had taught me. That one event would always lead to a chain reaction. That one can either stay the same or change for the better or worse.

Emotional betrayal, trying to paint a bad picture of me for all my close friends to see (the best thing is this time no more twisting stories because everything has been kept for me to see), even to a person with whom you had lost contact for so long, who had nothing to do with the relationship, siblings. I don't need a case of infidelity to walk away. I have failed to see the reason this would work. I remember my late grandmother telling me one thing. When a couple fight, the last people they should go to are their family members. This is my thought. I am putting it on the table, because at the end of the day, it is my life that we're putting at stake.

At the meantime, I feel as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I learned another lesson. That when one persistently feels unexplained tension in a relationship and it goes unsolved, when one's progress in life stays dormant because too many things are being held back from all the mental crisis from it and they all go unsolved, same mistakes being repeated over and over again, that's when one should leave a relationship.

So I gladly walked away and breathe.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start"

Just like the video, at times I wish some things can be rewound. Before I witness this part of this person.

People change.

Fights either make us stronger or bitter.

Unfortunately for my case, it is the latter.

Everything went downhill and we hit rock bottom. Spread-eagle. Separated apart.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017


Phew, finally my two weeks of on call had ended. At this hospital, dental officers are put on passive on call. It basically means we don't have to linger around at the hospital all the time. It's only when we're being summoned there that our attendance is required.

Still, I am being dubbed the 'Jonah on call officer'. Jonah basically is defined as a person who attracts cases. On regular on call days, most of us receive 2-3 calls per night. Me? I'd be grateful if I only receive 5 calls per day. My record is 13 cases on a fine Sunday. 

You'd find me at the emergency department seeing a patient who'd decide to wait for months before choosing to come to ED at 2 o'clock in the morning complaining of pain on wisdom tooth; to as bad as a patient who is rushed to into red zone (ED in Malaysia is divided into green - non-critical; yellow - semi-critical; and red zones - critical), trying to stop bleeding originating from multiple facial bone fractures. Imagine waking up and suddenly speeding to ED and later holding that fragile piece of that floating palate which is completely split from the skull, fixing wires, desperately trying to immobilise it. 

The good news is, patients generally do not die suddenly from loosing blood from having facial fractures, but leave it long enough, then you're indirectly asking to be part of a mortality meeting of a deceased. 

It feels like it was only yesterday that I was on call at a district hospital in Port Dickson, when my knowledge in oral maxillofacial surgery is so scarce, during which I'd only cry if I was given a Le Fort case. Today, I am no longer that weak person. 

For this, I'll have to thank my boss, Dr Latif (the orthognatic sifu as my senior would call him), for yelling at me all the time for mismanaging patients. He is a man, from whom you'd learn a lot if you're willing to put aside your emotions and dignity for the sake of leveling up skill and knowledge-wise. Whenever you come to him with a question, if it's stupid enough or is somewhat ignorant, he'd answer you with, "Look, I'm not sure whether you're stupid or you just could not care less on reading... but as written in...*he'd start reciting an article or book*". If it's a question that's worth pondering upon, he'd answer you with, "Look, girl, listen to me. Why the hell would you do *insert your mistakes*, when you could have *insert the solution*". A systematic man who despite his old age, still actively seeks for knowledge. He deals with no bullshit and he hates excuses. 

Come to think of it... I think some of his attitude has rubbed on me. I seem to have lower tolerance at dealing with excuses and bullshit these days. To me, it is either yes or no. If I question a person with say, A. I expect to be answered with A. Not some meaningless seconds and minutes, beating around the bush, to finally get to that point of A or perhaps finally discovering that the answer is Y. I understand that people make mistakes, but I hate it when they do not admit them and try to mind-fuck me thinking they are being intelligent by twisting facts. At times, I'd just say, "Okay" (while my mind is racing, thinking what a fucktard this lad is, thinking he/she had gotten off with such a lame excuse but it'd take too much effort to fight over it). That's when I am in my best mood. Otherwise, I'd just answer with, "Stop with all these cock and bull. Did you do it or not?" (and still thinking what a fucktard this person is).

I'm a bit too abrasive I guess.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

break free

At times, I hate how I believe in second chances.

How can I grant others a second chance when I am a paranoid bitch myself. And let's add more damage to that - I am blatantly honest too. 

Here's another problem. I have an abnormally slow heart too. Which initially stabilised, until recently. Whenever I am too sad, it gets slower too. So a few days ago I was hospitalised, all for the same reason - they were worried that I would go into cardiac arrest. I went through all these about a year ago, so I wasn't shocked anymore. The sight of that defibrillator being at my bedside - that's nothing scary anymore.

At times, I wish he had never came. I was fighting with myself. I was somewhat glad but deep down inside, I knew that everytime I get to feel happy with him by my side, the next day, I'd become terribly sad and crushed... and yep, that happened.

I no longer wish for anything anymore. I had cut everything off because... I really have neither the physical nor mental strength anymore.

Maybe I don't have the right to throw my tantrums. Maybe as I lie on that hospital bed, thinking that having a cardiac pacemaker implanted, my future in oral maxillofacial surgery being crushed I might have to be just a normal dentist, being on medical leave repeatedly, waking up in the middle of the night because apparently the neighbouring patient passed away. Only Allah knows how troubled I am with all sorts of possibilities that can happen in near future. 

Some might judge me - what an ungrateful sod, she can still work as a dentist. Open up her own clinic. Generate good bucks. 

If only I am as superficial as that. I don't wish for easy money. When I broke off my engagement, the path to oral maxfac surgery suddenly opened up and I grabbed the chance. It has always been my dream, my escapism. I love the thrill and how much it engages with the medical community. I don't feel trapped in the cocoon of dentistry.


Yes. To feel trapped. I fear that.

Sunday, March 12, 2017


It is rather confusing. To be wanted. To want in return; but also having to walk away and to restrain yourself from turning back. The past had taught me enough to which extent shall I bear being around someone.

And yet... I miss his presence.

I closed my eyes to recall the good moments we shared. I tried hard... but suddenly tears trickled down my already sunken cheeks. I can only recall us arguing. And the sound of my breath as I hyperventilate from disappointment and sadness.

For every ounce of effort wasted on me. I apologise.

For every penny spent on me. I apologise.

For every milisecond sacrificed for me. I apologise.

For immeasurable false hope I had given you and your family. I apologise.

For having such an elaborate dark past. I apologise.

For my mental instability. I apologise.

My remaining strength is all invested on my job. It is in this that I find solace, despite its chaos and complexity. It is in this that I feel that I am worthy of something good. That I have value.

And with you, I feel like I worth less than a trash. When brushing me off over something uncertain becomes easy... that's when I know that I have lost the glitter I used to possess which caught your eyes seven months ago.

I had gone through so much for a person of my age.

I am just a human. How many times can I mend my heart just to have it shattered into pieces over and over again before it turns into pulp which is beyond repair?

The little weight I had gained during my stay in Egypt is lost just like that. The spine on my back is obvious. My ribs are showing. My hip bones are jutting out. My chin looks as if someone did a bad genioplasty with it from being too prominent.

I wake up everyday feeling nauseous and experiencing chest tightness. I am starving. I want to eat. I want to eat so bad, I cry everyday because my tummy seems to reject food everytime I try to fill it a bit. Even if just a little bit.

Sad memories keep replaying in my mind that I am forced to sleep to let my brain relax a bit.

Every pace is a strive. It feels like trying to walk through a swamp with thick mud pulling my legs from striding forward.

This feels terrifyingly familiar. The thought of experiencing the same thing I did seven years ago is so terrifying...

Monday, March 6, 2017

handle with care

Like a bird; Handle me with care, and I'd fly high, but no matter how far I go, I'd eventually return to you. Hold me too tightly, and I'd be strangled. You'd snap my wings and neck. 

After all, I have too many scars which run deep into layers of my muscles if not through-and-through. And to have someone else dissecting through them, being curious what caused them, I feel my wounds reopening.

So yesterday, I chose to walk away. I gambled too much for too long, putting my sanity at stake. So while I can still think rationally, I walked away.

It's time to recover.

I somehow managed to get a few affairs settled today. Thank God.

Oh Allah, grant me strength...